


From victim to friend

by Subaruchan192



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Character Development, Character Study, Coping, Crimes & Criminals, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, F/M, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Getting Together, Getting to Know Each Other, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, Love Confessions, Moving On, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Episode: s19e13 The Undiscovered Country, Rape Recovery, Romantic Friendship, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Trauma, Trials, Trust, Trust Issues, becoming closer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-19
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2019-10-12 15:24:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 37
Words: 266,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17470112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Subaruchan192/pseuds/Subaruchan192
Summary: Summary updated:One of Barba's last cases is one of his hardest he ever had. Catherine Amell, a woman, who came to New York ten years ago, was abducted, raped and tortured. When another victim was taken and rescued, they need to find her to get her testimony, but she was on the run ever since and always one step ahead.What Rafael finds, when he meets her, is a young woman with a mind too old and a soul as broken and abused as her body. Her skin is covered in scars, her eyes are dull and robbed off her innocence.Three years later, they incidentally meet again after Rafael quit his job and moved to LA. Slowly, a friendship develops, but Catherine's trauma reaches deep. Their way is going to be long and with many obstacles. How does their relation look like, when their roles were gone? Can she overcome her trust issues? Is Rafael patient enough? Or are they possibly, what the other needs?~*~"The Undiscovered Country" aired in Germany for the first time. I'm not ready to let Barba go. So, here is my try of coping. At first, the relationship wasn't intended, therefore slow burn. Very slow burn. You're warned ;) Hope you enjoy :)





	1. The woman, who was lost

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone, thank you for having a look at my fanfiction. :) Hope you gonna have fun.

1\. Chapter The woman, who was lost

Catherine Amell sat in a small coffee shop somewhere in Manhattan. It was a rather shady café, not more than 10 tables within it. She had chosen this place on purpose. No one would pay attention to her or anyone else around. No one would ever remember her. In front of her sat a hot, steamy cup of black coffee. Her eyes wandered lazily around. Catherine could not even assess what kind of people are the typical clientele of this place. The air was filled with cigarette smoke and the smell brought tears to her eyes.

Catherine was tired of it all. Tired of running, hiding and being chased down. This game had gone on for almost half a year and she wanted to end it all today. Time to face her demons. She sighed and took a heavy sip of her coffee, which had become cold over the time. She wondered, how long it was going to take, till they showed up. She yawned and ran a hand through her long, blonde hair, which fell into little curls.  
She felt the movement in her back, before she could see a man walk up to her in an expensive three-piece suit. He was a Hispanic man, skin tanned and serious brown eyes. Behind those was a sharp mind hidden. Catherine knew that man, who kept a respectful distant. He had been the one she was running away from.

“ADA Rafael Barba, I think we played hide and seek long enough.”, she said in a monotonous way. Catherine did not look into his eyes. She seemed far away with her thoughts. “Actually, I didn’t expect you to show up. I thought, it would be on of the detectives. Carisi maybe, or Lieutenant Benson, but not the prosecutor himself.”

Rafael Barba blinked briefly, but showed no other emotion or even surprise about her knowledge.

“So, you know, who I am.”

“You are hard to miss, when someone reads news papers every now and again.” The young woman of about 27 years lifted her eyes and looked blankly at him.

“It was a long game.”, he agreed and nodded towards the empty chair in front of her. “May I?”

“Well, you found me, so I should at least listen to you.” The prosecutor seemed to be taken aback, but not because of her behaviour. It was more the deeply hidden sadness and tiredness within her voice. A woman of her age should be at the height of her life. Full of energy, dreams, hoped and wishes, but this woman drown out, broken. When one looked into her eyes, one could only imagine how bright they once had been. A flicker of life that had been destroyed a long time ago.

Barba nodded and sat down. It did not take long until a middle-aged woman appeared to take his order. She was obviously confused about his elegant appearance. He simply did not belong in here. The prosecutor ordered another black coffee and woman disappeared hurriedly. She was probably hoping for a huge tip.

Catherine stayed silent. She knew, why he was here, but not exactly, what he wanted from her. The atmosphere between them was tensed, while Catherine waited for him to speak. Barba waited for his coffee instead. He thanked the waitress, who returned quickly and payed her immediately- with a huge tip and also the coffee for Catherine. So, he expected that they had to hurry up after finishing their coffee.

“You truly were hard to find.” There was a hint of appreciation in his voice.

“I have several years of practise.”, she answered coldly and she pressed her lips into a thin line.

“I know.” Although she had attacked him, Rafael Barba stayed calm. It seemed like he understood that it was cynicism, not disrespect. Catherine breathed out deeply. Her heart beat faster, because she did not know what was about to come. She always kept people away from her, but she felt that she could not chase the prosecutor away. He had tried to find her for almost half a year, he would not let her go so easily. Likely, because he might never find her again. “You know, why I am here?”

“I can guess it.” Catherine said dryly.

“I want to talk about that incident ten years ago.” Her body tensed up in front of him and the young woman gulped. She nodded in defeat.

  
“Thought so.” Her throat became dry and she took another mouthful of coffee. She did not want to remember, what happened to her then. Tough, when she read that they had caught her rapists, she knew that they would find her eventually. The current case was not on a good foundation. They only had presumptive evidence. Barba needed her testimony to prove a muster within their crimes.  
Barba seemed to notice she would not talk on her own, so he used what he learned from the SVU.

“You are not from the US, right?” Smalltalk. Catherine snorted disapprovingly. How simple.

“You already know.”, she said bitterly and threw an annoyed gaze at him. Rafael Barba still stayed calm. This stupid calamity made her angry. Catherine took a deep breath and tried to calm her down. Over the years she had learned to suspect everyone. Everyone had been an enemy to her. A potential threat. She threw an apologetic gaze at him, but the attorney was not upset. “No, I am not. I moved here, when I was 18. I am from Cardiff.”

Barba nodded contently and drank his coffee. Catherine felt uncomfortable. This relaxed atmosphere seemed absurd because of its reason. It was more likely that they might be on a date together, not talking about her being raped, when she just moved here. She bit her lower lip and closed her eyes. A tremble of horror ran down her spine. With a sceptical gaze she tried to asses what kind of person Rafael Barba was. Sure, she had read a lot about him in the newspaper, but she knew how shallow such a picture was. Could she trust him? Did he care for her or was she just another puzzle piece for his case? He was painted as a very ambitious man. She had followed the cases of the SVU for quite a while, because she often played with the thought of reporting the crime to them. For that she needed to know, what kind of person would await her.

“Would you like to talk about it at the precinct?” The prosecutor noticed how uneasy she was and for a little moment sympathy ran through his dark eyes. Catherine took a shaky breath and thought about it. In the end she knew there was a point of no return. Barba would not let her go and she wanted it all to end. Maybe, she would not feel haunted any longer, when she helped to imprison them. Barba waited for her answer patiently, but seemed relieved, when she nodded.

“Let’s get it over and done.”, she said quietly.

~*~

Catherine had stood in front of the NYPD many times. Often, she simply stood there, trying to convince her to get in, but she always ran away. She had not been brave enough. Maybe being here with Barba was the final push she just needed. He got out of the cab behind her and threw a long gaze to the building. Walking in and out of it was normal for him, but for Catherine it felt like it was about to crush her. Another strong tremor ran down her spine and she took a deep breath. Her legs began to tremble. Just when she was about to lose her brave, she felt a reassuring hand on her shoulder. Catherine turned her head around and looked into the brown eyes of the prosecutor.

“I know, it must be hard.”

“No, you don’t know and that’s okay.” She sighed heavily. “I wish nobody ever has to.”

Barba looked over at her and furrowed his brows. He seemed irritated about her answer. Catherine did not know why, but it satisfied her to bring him out of concept.

“You don’t need to rush it.”, he said comfortingly, instinctively feeling how shaky she was. Catherine laughed harshly and shook her head.

“But you would appreciate it. Otherwise the chances are high that I disappear again.”

“I can’t deny it.” Barba smirked slightly and an amused laughter escaped his lips. He then realised what he did and apologised. It was obvious that he did not deal with victims on a regular basis. Still, Catherine accepted it, because she felt it was sincere. She nodded towards him and they both crossed the street. It was time to face her nightmares.

~*~

The several offices of the SVU were busy. A lot of people ran around, shouting things at each other. Catherine felt overwhelmed, when the doors of the elevator opened. It was like a hurricane of sounds, impressions and colours drowning her. Instinctively, she took a step back and pressed herself against the cold metal of the cabin. Fear took over her and all she wanted was to turn on her heels and run away. A strong feeling of paralysis suddenly struck her by force. She tried to move any muscle of her body, but it refused. Everyone inside the cabin stared at her. She felt it deep inside her conscious. They all wanted to get out, but she blocked them.

Barba watched her from the corners of his eyes. He saw the fear controlling her green eyes, how her lips trampled. Just then, a woman with shoulder long, brown hair passed the elevator. She was absorbed into a case file. She did not notice any of them.

“Olivia!”, Barba called out. Lieutenant Olivia Benson stopped within her pace and looked up. She frowned.

“Barba, what…” Her voice trailed off, when she noticed Catherine next to him. Her eyes widened in surprised, while Catherine hugged herself shyly.

“Miss Amell…” Olivia looked over to Barba. “You found her.”

“She let me find her.” Barba corrected and squeezed her shoulder. Catherine took a deep breath and stepped out of the elevator. She never expected it to be that warm inside the precinct. Or was her body just firing adrenaline through her body?

“I was tired of running away.” She blinked slowly. “And I heard that you need my testimony.”

The frown got deeper on Olivia’s forehead and she looked between the prosecutor and Catherine. In the end, she nodded and leaded them into an empty room.

Ten minutes later, Catherine sat in a room of the SVU. She suspected, it was one used for the questioning of children. There were different toys, puppets and a lot of pen and papers for drawing. Olivia had offered Catherine a coffee. The cup was warm in her hand and she clang onto it as if it was the only thing keeping her in reality. Her eyes were clouded and her gaze wandered to a place far away. Olivia sat in front of her. A notepad rested opened on the table. Barba sat next to her with a tea and observed her closely. It had been a long time that she had felt this uncomfortable and almost naked. For a long time, she had thought about what she would tell he police. She had chosen her words, but now, everything had disappeared from her mind.

Olivia noticed it and smiled warmly at her. Catherine tried to focus on her thoughts, to gather everything, but she felt numb.

“Please, tell us what happened.” Her voice was gentle and she rested a hand on hers.

“It all started rather harmless according to the crimes you normally deal with.” Her eyelids closed off, when the memories returned.

“Nothing is harmless…”, Olivia started, but Catherine denied these words of sympathy.

“I just moved here to start my study in biology. I was so excited, when I was accepted for the scholar ship,” Catherine continued without visible reacting to her words and she swallowed. Her mouth was dry and it got worse with every word she spoke.

“And you parents were alright with you moving so far war away in such a young age?”, Barba asked.

“They both work for a cruising line. They were rarely at home at all. It didn’t make any big difference.” She shrugged emotionless. “And I dreamed about getting into the medical research, working on cures for HIV or cancer. I just wanted to help people.”

Cautiously, she took sip of the lukewarm coffee, but her hand shook violently. Neither of the two were forcing her to speed up, nor was there any disturbance from the officers watching from outside the mirror glass. Catherine knew that Benson and Barba were not the only ones listening to her story.

“It all started at the 24’th April of 2009. It was a warm day and I just lived here for a month. I was fascinated by this city and decided to go the Central Park. It was a warm day and I watched some children play. He suddenly appeared behind me. I hadn’t noticed him.”

“Who?” Lieutenant Benson had started to write down some notes.

“An orange-haired boy, pale, green eyes and around a head taller than me. I guess, he was in his early twenties. His figure was normal. Not athletic, nothing special. There is not much I can tell about him.”

“That is alright.” Catherine looked up and nodded uncertainly. She felt the typical things she had read about so often. She felt guilty and embarrassed. An unknown fear went through her and she clawed into her simple sweater.

“He thought that I wanted to go to those kids, that I wanted to climb over that fence, I guess.” She gulped and licked her lips. “He said that he wouldn’t do it in my place. Then he pressed me against the fence and put his fingers inside me.”

Barba and Benson exchanged a long gaze, but Catherine was not able to read, what they communicated silently. She knew that both of them had worked together for quite a while, so it was not surprising to understand each other blindly. It had been a long time since Catherine had such a connection to someone.

“I struggled, trying to free myself, but he was stronger. He said, it was for a biology course.”

“He knew that you were a biology student?”, Olivia asked.

“I don’t think so.” She shrugged again, but it obvious that everything inside her was a storm. “I think it was rather a dumb joke.”

Barba and Benson knew that this was only the beginning. They were not chasing her for such a small crime. Well, she would not have been on the run for ten years for such a small thing. Catherine wished, she had an idea how much they already knew. It would make telling it all so much easier, tough it was clear she had to tell it all on her own.

“I don’t know how, but I was able to shake him off, but he still blocked my way.” Her voice got shaky. “He said, he would only let him go, when I jerk him off.”

Barba raised an eyebrow and stirred his tea. Normally, Catherine would correct him not to do so. She was from the United Kingdom after all, but at this moment she did not care. Olivia instead shot a glare at him, because he should not judge her choice of words.

“What happened then?”

“I suddenly realized that I still had my bike with me and I slammed it into his crotch.”

Four eyebrows shot up into the air in surprise and it definitely seemed like Rafael could barely suppress a chuckle, although he knew it was inappropriate. To be honest, Catherine was glad about it. Both were so used to such stories that they barely showed emotions. This was a natural reaction and it helped her a little.

“Afterwards, I ran off.”

“Why did you not go to the police?” There was the hard question. Barba’s brown eyes looked at her calmly. She knew, he was already thinking about all the question the counsel would ask. He seemed to be a perfectionist. He needed to be. Still, it felt a little like he was blaming her and like she had to apologies.

“I felt overwhelmed, to be honest. I only lived here for a month and was on my own. I didn’t know, where to go. Suddenly, New York seemed even bigger than it is. I decided to leave it and to simply forget it. In retrospect, I should not have done that.”

“Hey, it is alright. It isn’t your fault.” The tone of Olivia’s voice calmed her down and she nodded again. For a moment, she stayed calm and tried to convince herself. She threw a look at Barba, who nodded reassuringly. Catherine did not know why, but unconsciously she was orientating on Barba. Probably, because he would be fighting for her in court- hopefully- and she just wanted to do everything right. Offering him everything she could to make it as easy as possible.

“You don’t need to worry about your behavior. There is nothing you could do wrong. Simply tell us, what happened and leave the rest to us. That is our job, not yours.” These words so incredibly comforting that she almost felt her brave return. It felt good to know nobody would blame her. She could give all responsibilities away, not caring about how to say something. She closed her eyes and nodded gratefully. For the first time since her nightmare began, she felt supported.

“I think, this is what caught his interest in me. That I dared to free myself and ran away. Otherwise, I think he would have left me alone.” It was one of the things she thought about for a long time. Had there been a way to prevent everything. She knew it was not her fault, nothing of it, but it felt like it. Like she could have done something different. “I almost forget that incident and lived on my life. One day in June, they caught me away on my way back from the University.”

Benson looked over at Barba. Both had a slight, sad shimmer in their eyes. They knew from their current victim, what happened then.

“He kidnapped you.”, stated Olivia. Catherine nodded in affirmation.

“How did he knock you out?”

“I don’t remember. All I know is that the world turned dark and I woke up in a little cell. I don’t even know, if I was in the same hide out like your current victim.”

“How do you know about it?” Rafael Barba frowned. Catherine snorted and chuckled hollow.

“Please, why else would you chase me down for almost half a year? How would you even know about my case? There has to be another victim.”

“How long did he keep you captive?” Olivia left that statement uncommented.

“I don’t know exactly, but it must have been around a year.” Olivia took in a shaky breath and Barba also looked uncomfortable. Catherine bit her lower lip nervously and tried to keep the pictures of her captivity as far away as possible. Keeping her testimony as neutral as possible was the only thing that allowed her do keep going.

“What did he do to you?”

“They.”, Catherine corrected Olivia. The detective took a deep breath, while Barba raised an eyebrow.

“They?”

“They were triplets.” Her finger drummed nervously against the cup, while her mind turned back to the worst year of her life. “Well, I guess. They never showed up at the same time, because I think there aren’t so many red-haired, identical triplets. Not even in New York. But I was at their mercy for a year, while they kept me in that 15 square metre big prison. All I was thinking was, if they might be mad with me.”

“Mad?” Olivia seemed confused, because of the word. “Why mad?”

“Because it meant more pain for me. They became extremely sadistic, when they were angry. So, I was staring at the door all the time, praying to my gods- who were them in this time- that they wouldn’t come to see me. Or at least be in a good mood. I wasn’t picky back then.” Her voice became heavy with every word she spoke. Catherine sank into her chair. The weight of what happened her seemed to crush her. Her lip began to tremble, so she bit it to cover it. If she let it happen, all the emotions would drown her and she might burst into tears. Then, she would not be able to tell them everything. She needed to push every memory away. She needed to tell it like it was a story. Like she told it for someone else.

“How do you get the idea that they were triplets?” Barba still stayed unemotional. Catherine could not even see a little micro expression on his face. It drove her nuts. She did not want sympathy or even pity, she would have hated it, but she wanted something. This was not an exam. They were not playing poker, god dammit.

“Like I said, my whole focus rested on them during my captivity. I needed to know them, to assess them quickly. It was my only chance to adapt my behaviour and save my life. I noticed differences in them. Their choice of words, behaviour, gestures, mimic. They were identical triplets, but in those things, there were little differences. At first it confused me. Every time I thought I knew how to handle him, he reacted completely differently than I expected.”

She turned her head away and stared at the white wall with the little yellow touch in it. In this moment the carefully kept masquerade vanished. A little girl appeared underneath it. A girl taken out of what was supposed to be her dream. Uncertain, beaten, hurt. Her eyes wandered nervously around still searching for a potential threat, although she was safe. Her skin paled visibly and she seemed fragile like a puppet out of porcelain. Olivia exchanged a gaze with Barba, whose face fall for a short moment. Even he could not keep his cool act, when he saw what the year had done to her. She had come to New York and dreamed of a bright future, but it turned into her worst nightmare. Being held captive, raped, tortured for a year and then on the run for almost ten years. Barba wondered what kind of girl she had been before it happened.

“What did they do?”, asked Olivia cautiously. Yet, Catherine startled like someone hit her in the face. She blinked several times to bring herself back to reality. A tired sigh escaped her and she ran her fingers nervously through her blonde hair. It felt like straw, because she did not have time for its care.

“I assume, I have to tell everything in detail.” Her voice shook and she emptied her coffee with one gulp, while Barba nodded. Catherine sighed again and closed her eyes. “Can I have another one? This is going to take a while.”

“Of course.” Still, Olivia did not move. Catherine was sure that Amanda Rollins just turned around behind the mirror to get one. Two minutes later, there was a knock on the door. Olivia stood up and got the coffee. Meanwhile, Barba never left her unobserved.

“I am not going to run away, Mr. Barba.”, said Catherine annoyed.

“Just making sure.”

“I stopped running away voluntary. I am tired of it. Time to end it. One way or another.”

“We are going to protect you.”, Olivia assured. Catherine laughed hollowly.

“I hope so or this was the dumbest decision I’ve ever made.” Barbed bowed his head to the side and raised an eyebrow. Catherine stayed unimpressed and drank her coffee. “Anyway, let’s get this started.”  
She rested her arm on the table and rolled up the sleeve of her sweatshirt. Olivia blinked surprise, but then her eyes widened. With every inch her skin showed more and more ugly scars. She pointed at a few thin, pale one, right above the aorta.

“These are from beer bottle shards. They were the first to show me, what they would do to me, if I disobey.”

“These ones…” She showed on several burning scars in the area of her inner elbow. “…are from several cigarettes, when they were bored and thought about what to do next to me.”

“Miss Amell…” Catherine raised a hand and stopped Olivia in her speech. Any disruption would make it harder to go on. The lieutenant understood and closed her mouth. Catherine stroked her ponytail out of her neck and bowed her head so that they could see it. Right now, even Barba inhaled sharply.

“This happened after half a year. They have beaten me so hard, that I vomited on the floor. They disliked it and this was my punishment. They grabbed me by my hair and tased me here. I have never felt stronger pain or agony than in this moment. I passed out. When I woke up, they had chained me to the bed, naked, and left me like that for two days, I guess. So, I had to lay in my…well you know it. I really don’t need to say it.”

“No.”

“When they came back, I was a mess. Ready to do everything just to get something to drink. They gave me my urine. Afterwards…” Suddenly, her voice broke. She did not want to say it. It was incredibly humiliating. She hid her head in her hands and desperately tried to keep herself together.

“Catherine?”, said Olivia’s soft voice. “It’s okay, take every time you need. Do you need a break?”

“No, every new start would be harder. I pushed it away for such a long time. Bringing back all those memories is difficult and overwhelming. Give me a minute.”

Both of her interrogators nodded and she felt grateful for it. Pathetic, how those little things could make her happy. For the first time in for ever, some one respected her needs. It felt good, but the thought about what she was going to tell, dismiss this feeling quickly.

“After they did that to me, they had another idea to humiliate me. To break me. One of the worst things they ever did to me.”

“I know it must be hard, but the more you can tell us the longer I can put them into prison.”

“They used a vibrator on me and forced me to orgasm.” Catherine’s flinched in pure disgust and she shuddered, while fighting back down the tears in her eyes. “They told me that I like, what they did to me. I felt so ashamed and sick of my body. I tried to control it, to not do it, but it was impossible. I cried, I begged, but they didn’t stop, until it hurt and then they forced another and another. I can’t remember how many times it happened. Their sadistic laughter still haunts me in my dreams.”

“Catherine, it was a normal, physical reaction. It was not your fault.”

“I know that, lieutenant Benson, I do. But it does not change that it felt horrible. After they left, I hunched myself into a corner and cried for hours. In this moment, I started to think, I might never make it out of there alive. They would keep me for as long as I entertain them and then, I would be disposed. At first, I tried to assure that I stayed interesting, but after a while, I started to accept my fate.”

“Hey, you survived.” Olivia covered her hand with hers again and squeezed it gently. “You made it out of there.”

Catherine nodded and gulped, taking a deep breath to fight down the upcoming anxiety.

“How did you escape?” Barba rested his pen on his notepad and folded his hands. He frowned strongly as if he could hardly believe, what she had to endure and despite that was able to escape.

“This will sound so wrong.” Another sip of coffee ran down her oesophagus. “My rescue was, that I became pregnant in my second month.”

“Pregnant?”, Olivia repeated confused. “You have a child?”

“No.” Her voice turned dark. “One of them, seemed to be very happy, when he heard about it. He was nicer to me compared to his brothers. He still tried to cover it like it was a normal thing of domestic abuse. Carrot and a stick principle. Although they abused me, they seemed to be very aware of not damaging the child. They even took me to a doctor. It was a little salvation in my personal hell. But one night, I had a miscarriage. I was in the eight months. The little boy was born undead. I cried and mourned. Not just because of the taken life, but because my trump was gone. My little bit of power was dead, but I also knew that this night was my only chance to escape. In the past months, I behaved well and gained a little bit of their trust, so I hoped they would take me to hospital, when I got into labour. Quickly, I got rid of the poor child and wiped away most of the blood. Then, I stuffed a pillow under my shirt. I knew, I had to convince them to bring me to the hospital. When they came back, I acted like I was in labour. For my luck, it was the nice one coming down. He panicked and wanted to bring me to the hospital. I knew that if I make one mistake, they would kill me. Either for the unborn child or for my attempt escape. I took a beer bottle and knocked him out. Then, I ran out of there and since then, never stopped running. I knew they would never stop looking for me and if they find me, they would kill me slowly and painfully.”

The silence that followed was deathly. Catherine waited for them to say something, but both stayed silent. She looked between them, but there was still no reaction. She did not know what else to say. What were the rules of an interrogation? What happened after it is done? Could she leave? Suddenly, she felt a slight panic creeping up her spine and she could hardly suppress a shiver. Although she was in a room with two other people, she felt all alone. Like a little child being lost in the woods.

All she wanted, all she needed, was someone, who reached out for her right now, because it had been a long while since she felt so helpless. She closed her eyes and breathed out slowly, but her nerves still fluttered. Could not some one come for her rescue? She did not know how to do it herself anymore.

“Miss Amell?” Olivia’s soft tone tore her out of the darkness of her thoughts. “What’s wrong?”

Catherine blinked a few times and bit her underlip. She did not know how to express it with words.

“I just… I don’t know what else to tell. It was all, actually, and you were saying nothing.” She closed her eyes and blinked again to dissolve the tears. She took another deep breath. Several thoughts ran through her head, her eyes wondering around restlessly.

“That’s not all.”, noted Barba. “What else is there?”

Catherine hesitated. She was not sure, if she should ask the question that was on her tongue.

“What do you think?”, she finally started carefully.

Olivia and Barba had the best confused look on their face.

“What exactly do you mean with that?” Now, Barba’s voice had turned carefully, as he was slowly taking a step closer and then another. But Catherine did not miss the little suspicion hidden deeply in his tone. Likely, he did not even know himself it was there. Only she was able to notice, because those hidden messages had decided over her life for a far too long time.

“Well…am I a good victim? Am I reliable enough or am I just going to hurt the case?”

In this moment, Rafael Barba was truly speechless. He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, then closed it again. Olivia had knitted her brows instead.

“Did you only tell us that to help?”

“I think my scars prove that it did happen to me, right?”, she said and there was a sudden, bitter taste in her mouth. She lowered her eyes and sighed heavily. “Everything I said was true. I just want to know, if my testimony is good enough…”

“Miss Amell, victims do not need to fulfil a value.” Olivia’s voice was soft as she tried to cheer her up. She was not able to understand, what Catherine’s real question was behind it. She was not like the other victims. Catherine had only been able to keep going with her story, because she clung onto something and she was asking indirectly, if she succeeded. For her luck, Barba got it.

“Liv.”, he said softly and made her look at him. “She wants to know, if she is helpful.”

Catherine widened her eyes, when Barba spoke out, what she had not been able to find words for. When he used the adjective, it was like a missing puzzle piece fell into its place. Yes, that was it. All she wanted is to be a help in the trail so that those bastards would be thrown into prison.

She closed her eyes and could not prevent the tears dropping from her eyelashes. The build up stress fell from her shoulders. She started to feel weak and exhausted. Her hand clenched into a fist. Catherine hoped the pain would pull her away out of her paralysation. She could not collapse. Not now, not anytime. If she gave in, she did not whether she could return. She was scared of that potential condition.

“So, is that all?”, she whispered, barely able to control her voice. “Are we done?”

“Miss Amell…”

Catherine ignored Olivia and only looked at Barba. She hoped he would not have any more questions. She did not know, if she could answer them. In all those years, she had thought to have found a way to handle it. Right now, she realised she only pushed it away. She never really dealt with it. All she wanted to do now, was to run away and to hide somewhere save.  
Barba slowly nodded and right at that moment, Catherine slumped. Her head sank to the table, her shoulders shaking violently. Little sobs escaped from her. Rafael and Olivia shared a worried gaze, before Olivia rested a hand on her shoulder.

“You’ve done well. Let’s get out of here.”


	2. The pain of relaxation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catherine opens herself up a little, but still struggles with trust. Barba is there to help.

The pain of relaxation

 

Catherine woke up with a scream. Cold sweat ran down her forehead and dripped to the warm blanket that had covered her just a few moments ago. Her breath flew out of her lunges as she panted and tried to focus. Fear clawed after her guts, when she was not able to realise, where she was. The room was unknown to her and in her disorientations, she feared to be caught again. Her heart beat hard against her ribcage. Her blood drummed in her ear.  The room around her was dark. She could hardly recognise anything more than contours. Desperately, she tried to locate where she was. What happened to her? Had they caught her again? Her eyes were searching for a way to escape.

Then, the door opened and Catherine whirled around. She pressed herself flat against the wall- ready to fight, run away or anything else to keep her save. She narrowed her eyes to be able to see more.

“Miss Amell, is everything alright?”

“Mister Barba?” Rafael Barba was hard to make out with his dark skin tone and hair, but she recognised his voice. Her body relaxed a little and she straightened. “Where am I?”

“In my flat.”, he answered calmly. “We brought you here, after we were done in the hospital. Remember?”

After recognising the prosecutor, Catherine gave up her attack position. In this moment, her memories returned. She had been in the hospital until the very early morning hours. It had taken a long time to document every injury of her. The clinical investigation had brought back memories she had forgotten about. It had been hard and she felt humiliated, although she had been aware it was necessary. Oliva had stayed by her side till the very end. When everything had been done, she had felt utterly exhausted. All she had wanted was to sleep and go back to the welcomed delirium of darkness. The problem had been, she had not known where to go. After their last victim was found and rescued, they would search for her more actively, so she could not go to her usual places. Same went for homeless asylums. She barely had any money so that hotel was out. Barba had been against it as well, because he knew how often it went wrong. What she needed right now was calmness and safety to withstand the new awoken power of her trauma. Olivia’s and Rollins flats were too anxious for her with Noah or Jesse around. Olivia and Barba had discussed the options, while Catherine had almost fallen asleep in the chair. In the end, Barba had come over to her to tell her that she was coming with him. He got the permission of a judge that it could not turned against them in court.

“I do now.”, she said slowly.  “I woke up and didn’t know where I was, so I panicked. I’m sorry.”

“It sounded like you had a nightmare.” He cautiously took a step forward and just now, she was able to actually see him He wore a dark green, satin pyjama and a cotton dressing gown. His eyes were still hidden in the dark. She could roughly see his features.

“I had.”, she admitted, after she hesitated for a long time. She sank back onto the bed. Barba seemed to watch her for a while.

“Would you like some tea?” Catherine stayed silent, because she was not able to read his face. Tough, as far as she could guess, he truly was concerned.

“That does sound like a good idea. Thank you.”

~*~

Barba’s furniture was quite a unique mash-up out of antiques and modern ones. His book shelf and desk were out of massive acacia wood. The lounge in his office on the other hand, was out of black leather. Only because of the light falling through the huge windows offered enough light so that the room did not suffocate under it. Barba offered her to take a seat and brought her a warm blanket out of the living room across the floor. Then, he left the room to make the tea, but only after he lit his fireplace. It did not take long until a cosy warmth flooded through the room. Catherine leaned against the armrest of the couch and pulled the blanket over her legs. Her eyes wandered through the room without focusing on anything. It was voluntary, because she desperately tried not to think. She did not want the pictures of her nightmare to return, although she knew, they would soon. She needed to tell Barba about the carefully locked away memories, which she only was able to remember in the weakness of a dream.

Five minutes later, Rafael Barba returned with two steaming hot cups of camomile tea. The sweet, but heavy scent tickled her nose. He left her cup on a small side table. She thanked him and took the fine porcelain cup into her hands. She blew into the brown liquid. Barba simply sat down in an armchair and crossed his legs. He waited for her to speak, if she wanted to. Though, Catherine was not sure, if she wanted to. On the other hand, Barba needed every bit of ammunition he could get. She took a careful sip and then put the cup aside.

“I haven’t told you everything.”, she said after a while and waited. She expected Barba to become angry, maybe even yell at her, but none of it happened. He stayed completely calm and only looked at her with an unmoved gaze. “Aren’t’ you getting angry?”

“I’m doing this job for a few years. Only a handful told everything from the beginning.”

“I didn’t intend to keep it from you.”, she assured, hoping that he would not find her unworthy. She wanted to testimony.

“I know.” For the first time, his voice was soft and he smiled comfortingly. “What did you dream of?”

She took a deep breath and licked her lips nervously.

“Like I said, they were sadistic. After a while, I don’t exactly know when, they found another way to have their fun with me. One of the worst things.”

“It had been so horrible, that you locked it away?”

“Yes.” She lowered her head and pressed her hands between her tights.

“What else could they possibly do to you? What is worse than what you already told us?”

“Do you know what water boarding is?” Barba’s eyes widened in shock and he leaned back. He shook his head in disbelief. Sadness clouded his dark eyes and the corners of his mouth sank.

“They truly did that to you? Above everything else?”

“Yes. It started as a punishment again. They blindfolded me. I was scared, but never expected what was about to come. I thought they would rape me or beat me up again. Instead, I was lifted and chained upside down on a table. When they put the damp washcloth over my mouth, I panicked. I thought, I would drown…”

“Miss Amell…”, he interrupted her carefully. “You probably should tell that tomorrow, when we are able to record it.”

“I’m afraid that might not be possible.” Sadly, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “It’s hard to speak about it. I’m hardly hanging on. I don’t know, if I will ever be able to tell it all again, when I stop now. The memories are so painful that I need to lock them away again or I am going to break. I can’t restart over and over again.”

Silence became her companion. How much she hated it. It made her anxious. It felt like he was expecting something of her and she was not able to find out, what it was. More and more pictures stormed back into her mind. She tried to fight them off or to hide in another corner of her mind.

Only when she heard the shrieking sound of an ambulance car, she was able to snap out of her inner struggle. She blinked and refocused of Rafael Barba’s office. A deep breath should calm down her fast beating heart. Just then, she noticed that Barba had left his place in the arm chair. He was kneeling in front of her. He was so close as no one had been for a while and especially no one, who did not want to harm her, so she startled.

“I’m sorry.”, he said softly. “I didn’t intent to scare you.”

She exhaled softly and shook her head.

“It’s alright. Just, the last times someone was that close, it was to hurt me. I developed a reflex to flinch away.

“I should have expected it.”

Once again, Catherine shook her head and pulled her legs in front of her.

“Do I have to tell more of it? I mean, it is not like there are any evidences to prove it.” She closed her eyes and bit her lip. Barba looked up at her with a sad gaze. Catherine felt uneasy, when she looked into his eyes. It was hard to believe that these emotions were true. How could he care for her? She was a case. Nothing more. Nervously, she scratched her arm. The pain was supposed to distract her from the tears in her eyes. Her defence mechanisms were working worse with every minute passed. Her mental wall broke stone after stone and she knew it would not take long until the flood of her past was going to pull her away. Her breath came shaky, showing how unstable she became. When she decided to talk to the police, it all came back.

When Barba noticed it, he came to the right conclusion. To her surprise, he stood up and sat down next to her. Cautiously, he rested an arm around her shoulder.

“It is okay, Miss Amell. You don’t have to say more. I have enough to imprison them. With your testimony, I can prove a pattern.”

“How long?”, she asked with shaky voice.

“What do you mean?”

“How long has the other victim been captured?” Catherine did not know herself, why she asked. Why she wanted to know something of the other victim.

“You know, I can’t tell you.” He hesitated for a few moments, then exhaled. “Not very long.”

“Her parents searched for her, right? They reported her missing.” Another thing that made her sad. Because of their jobs, her parents had barely been at home. She grew up at her grandparents’ house. She barely knew them and the contact almost stopped completely, when she moved to New York. They had not missed her.

“Yes.”, Barba said hesitantly.

“How did you find out about me?”

“It was difficult. There had only been a hidden picture of you- not even in the hiding spot. One of your observation. You are right, they are clever. They get rid of almost all evidences. Therefore, we needed to find you.”

“And you did…” Her voice was nothing more than a whisper. Her eyes trailed off just like her thoughts. She was not aware that Barba empathized with her. Her bad experiences ensured that she was not able to see his hidden concern in his eyes. Barba did care and all he wanted was to comfort her, because she looked like her hardly kept façade was about to shatter. His heart clenched at the fragile picture of her and his stomach twisted in anger. He could hardly imagine what she had to endure the year of captivity. He had heard a lot during his work as the prosecutor of the SVU, but her story was one of the worse. Everything he could possibly think of, she had to endure.

Barba hesitated for a moment, but then he sighed. Carefully and gently, he rested her head on his shoulder. He knew this a very grey area, but he could not stay distant- not when she was obviously suffering.

Catherine stiffed immediately, every muscle of her body tensed. A fear deeply programmed into her soul took her over, but on the other hand, the warmth of another body was calming. Over the past ten years, her body had grown cold. Because of her situation, she had not been able to trust anyone, yet let someone close. It had been too dangerous. She had forgotten how good it felt. How assuring it could be, tough his action still confused her.

“Mister Barba, I don’t understand.”, she said quietly. Her big eyes looked up at him. Barba smiled slightly, trying to make her feel comfortable. “Why are you doing this? It’s not like you care.”

“How do you get the idea?” Barba sounded offended, although he did not want to. Did he appear insomuch cold-hearted? Catherine noticed that she hurt him and lowered her head in guilt. She knew that her freedom depended on him and she did not want to make him angry.

“You…you were so distant during my interrogation.” Catherine fiddled with the hem of the pyjama that Barba had lend to her. She was not brave enough to look into these sceptical eyes of his. She did not want to disappoint him, although she herself had no idea why. “There were hardly any emotions shown on your face. So, I…”

She stopped right in the middle, because she had a feeling that she only made it worse with every other word. Her teeth bit into her bottom lip, something she always did when insecurity overwhelmed her. It was either that or scratching her arm, sometimes until it bled. 

“I need to be.”, he said as a simple fact. Catherine blinked and dared to look back up it him, but this time, he was staring into the distance. “My job requires it, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to fight for the victims in the way they deserve. It might even lead to the case being taken away from me. I can’t risk that, but it definitely doesn’t mean, I don’t care. Actually, I do a lot, otherwise I wouldn’t do this job. It doesn’t own much prestige.”

Catherine felt ashamed and quickly lowered her head. It made sense. If she was truly honest, she knew, he had to stay professional. Actually, it had only been defending mechanism of her soul. As long as she believed no one would care of her, it would not be that painful to keep them away, because she was not able to trust them. It made staying alone easier and she did not have to question herself, _if_ the person was worth letting her close. On the other hand, Catherine never really experienced, what it was like to be taken care of. Her parents never did and she did not have much friends in school. She had been a lonely wolf most of her life and maybe, that saved her life during her flight. She knew, how to deal with things on her own, to only rely on her own and how to be crushed by loneliness. Only her grandparents had loved her, but sadly, they had died even before she came to New York. It had been one of the reasons, why she decided to move so far away for studying.

“I’m sorry…,” she whispered quietly, almost just forming the words with her mouth without using her voice. She hated herself for expecting the worst in people, but life never taught her otherwise. Her fingers clenched into the fabric of her pyjama trousers, the rough feeling of cotton anchoring her a little. Ever since she had to testify, Catherine had to fight of the feelings of being ashamed, hating herself and to blame herself. It was a dark storm, which pressed the air out of her lunges and made her feel like she was about to crash into a dark whole any moment. She did not want to be like that. Although she had been alone most of her life, she knew, she had been happy once, that she was able to love people, although they were not looking at her. Now, all she expected of them was to hurt her and she was afraid not being able to recognise those, who truly did care for her. Maybe, Barba only cared for her as a witness and saw nothing else in her than a victim, but it was the best, she had got in a long time. At least, he would not harm her, right? Should that be not enough after all this time? “That was unfair to you. It’s just, I don’t know, how positive emotions feel like anymore. All I see in them is a way to manipulate me, that they have a hidden purpose. For you, I thought only tried to keep your witness intact until trial, but that wouldn’t require all of this effort and it confuses the hell out of me. It must have a stinger in it.”

Barba stayed quiet and Catherine tried to read the atmosphere in the room. Did the tension disappear? Was he looking at her again? She wanted to know, but she was too afraid to look. Her heart fluttered in fear, because she had never stripped down her barrier that much and she was afraid to pass the point, where she would inevitably mess up.

Her body started to quiver again and she felt incredibly cold and numb. The adrenaline, that had been high in her body for so long, disappeared and left around an exhaustion beyond compare. Without Catherine’s notice, her head fell a bit more to the side to settle into the alluring warmth, which Barba’s body offered. To her surprise, the prosecutor said nothing, instead he rested his hand in her blonde hair and turned her around a little so that she rested more comfortable against him. Catherine startled again and with a fast beating heart- part of fear, part of surprise- she looked back up. The intensity of the brown eyes took her breath away and she was faced with a compassionate smile. To be honest, she was glad he lost no word on it. All that chaos inside her was hard to express with words anyway.

The kind warmth felt too good to be ignored anyway. So, for the first time in forever, Catherine allowed herself to accept the compassion and closeness of someone else if only to melt away the ice, which had covered her heart for so long and denied a life to her. It might be a mistake, it might have bad consequences for her, but she slowly started to admit, she cannot control everything otherwise it would destroy her in the end. It was only natural she had tried to get as much control back as possible, after she had absolutely none for over a year, but she had decided to testify to leave all this behind. So maybe, it was time to ease up a little and trying to accept kindness, when it was given to her.

While taking a deep breath, Catherine leaned into Barba’s warmth, which covered her like a second blanket and closed her eyes. Barba carefully pulled her closer and adjusted her position so it was more comfortable for him, but it also shielded her from the environment. It was such a protective, nice gesture, it brought tears to Catherine’s eyes and she started to shiver. It felt like he was willing to take the burden off her. She did not need to fight for herself for a while. He would take over this job and he was going to bring her freedom.

“I’m sorry…,” she whispered overwhelmed, before the first tears rolled from her eyes, her fingers desperately clenching into his robe. Little softs escaped uncontrollably her mouth, while he simply held her and his fingers gently patted her scalp in a fatherly manner.

“It’s okay…,” he whispered softly over and over again, trying to give her a rescue line with those words. “You’re safe.”

In this moment, Barba shrugged of his professional mask and let his true feelings shine through. He knew, he could not even imagine what she had to go through. How it was like being forced to push everyone off, because they were all a potential threat, dealing with everything on her own, while being afraid not being able to experience the next minute. To be cut off any human contact. It must be so cold and if he could provide a little bit of aid with giving her warm, he would gladly do so. His eyes turned sad, when he looked down at her, while she clenched into him, trying to hold on, while she fought against her own mind. She still tried to suppress her sobs, trying to not completely lose her composure, but every moment spent in this comforting warmth and with every pat of his fingers, he took another piece of her wall away. Barba wished there would be another way, but he worked long enough with the SVU to know, this very moment was, when the healing truly started. During the testimony, Barba and Olivia had sensed the suppressed emotions. It had appeared as if she was sitting on a volcano of bad memories, which was just about to explode. It probably was better for it to explode in a safe surrounding with someone around, then building the pressure until it would shatter her to pieces.

“I’m sorry…” Catherine’s sobs became louder and thicker tears fell from her eyes, while her body trembled even stronger. The tension within her left with every tear and her body allowed itself to let its guards down. Barba knew, it would not have been able to run on alert for much longer.

 _Chronic hypercortisolism._ Wong had once told him about it. It was a malfunction of the metabolism after the body had been in a life-threatening situation over a very long time. The body constantly produced the stress hormone cortisol and kept the body on the edge. Often, persons suffering under this condition were caught between depressions and ADD. The emotions always came like a storm and they felt powerless and helpless under them. They were free from the situation only to be caught in another prison. On their own, they were not able to produce a state of calmness. The calmness must be given by others and to keep the state costed a lot of energy from the offeror, because the disease tried to tore it away.

Traces of a high cortisol level over a long period had been found in Catherine as well. That was, what her blood test said. A bit longer and she would have to suffer from another nightmare and there was no treatment. Still, every sob of her made his heart clench and Barba swore, he would make sure those criminals would never see a window without bars again. He clenched his left hand into a fist his jaw became stiff.

Just then, Barba noticed that her sobs had stopped. He opened his eyes. When had he closed them? He looked down to her only to realise, she had fallen asleep again. The traces of tears shone silvery on through the light of the lamp, but her face was relaxed, her breaths were coming calmly and evenly. Barba sighed, but smiled. Carefully, he pulled the blanket up to her shoulders and cleaned her face with a hanky. Then, he leaned back on the lounge and tilted his head to look up at the ceiling. He definitely was too old for a night on the couch and his back would hate him for it, but he could not disturb her right now. She would need her strength, because he had to prepare her for her testimony in a few hours. Time was running against him. He looked back at her peaceful appearance and smiled.

“Sleep well,” he said quietly and closed his eyes to get some sleep himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed the chapter :) the first part is already half done :) Have a wonderful weekend. Next chapter comes next Saturday.


	3. Practise for another hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barba and Catherine practice her testimony in court, but that brings up new problems

Blood, her blood was everywhere, contrasting strongly with the white tiles of her prison. They were a warn signal not to behave like that ever again. The smell of iron was prominent in the air. Catherine laid hunched together on the floor of more tiles, her arms wrapped around her stomach. Her body shivered, while wave after wave of pain washed over her and she desperately fought the urge to vomit. Never would she do that again. She feared the punishment more than anything. Tears streamed down her face, while she curled herself together. This was not going to end. She would never make it out of here. How long had she been in here? It took all of her strength to open her eyes to look at the wall, where she had scratched on the wall until her fingertips bled and left red marks on the tiles. Catherine tried to focus and started counting lines. She did that often. On the one hand it was a method to deal with her anxiety and fear, on the other hand, it helped her not to think. It was a possibility to escape from her hell, if only for the shortest of time. She gaged again and her body hurled itself together, but with her iron will, she focused on the lines. She would not allow neither the pain nor the fear to come and get her. She would not give her rapist this satisfaction. Catherine was very sure, they were watching her from a hidden camera, but she had not found it yet. Maybe, she was just getting paranoid, but even looking for it, was a way of activity. _203_. 203 days she had been caught in this living hell. Over half a year. How likely was it to be found? To be rescued? If no one had found her yet… oh, who was she trying to fool? No one would be missing her. She had no one left, who would care enough to wonder, where she was. She was the perfect victim for those sadists. She had no connections in New York, but was mentally strong enough to withstand torture without turning into either a mindless or bubbling mess. But, not so much longer anymore. Her will to fight subsided from day to day. It would not take much longer until they finally broke her into shards- physically and mentally.

She huffed in pain and hunched herself up and back into a sitting position. Emotionlessly, she stared at the scratches she had left in the tiles, when she had been desperate enough to try to dig herself out of here. Of course, it had been useless. She was under the mercy of her captivators and there was nothing she could do against it. No matter how hard she would fight, they would always win out.

New tears rolled over her cheeks, when despair washed over her. She clenched her hands into her hair and screamed in mental pain, until she curled herself together in a corner and awaited the next martyrium, she had to endure. Her mind was very eager to help imagine possible scenarios. It was a mechanism to prepare herself, but it was another way of torture. Their captivators managed to dig themselves into her brain.

“I’m going to die,” she whispered into the deathly, yet loud silence, while she kept listening and awaiting steps in front of the door. Soon, they appeared and the door was opened again. The bright light from the floor- at least she supposed it was- blinded her like always. Normally, she would have knitted her eyes together, trying to recognise, who was in charge this time, but today, she only stared into nothingness with empty eyes. “Please, let me die soon.”

She knew, he heard her and she knew, she would pay for this wish.

“Miss Amell,” a calm voice suddenly asked from afar. Catherine blinked confused and a bit of life returned into her eyes. That was not their voice. She knew their voices inside out. They were low, but ugly and mean. Voices, which shrilled in your ears, when you listen to them. This one was deep like thunder. They also never called her _Miss Amell_. Her name was one of the first things, they had carefully taken away from her. She was whore, bitch, slump, piece of dirt, but not _Miss Amell_.

Just then, she realised that the picture in front of her eyes was frozen. Her rapist stood in the door frame, one leg hanging in the air. Catherine looked around and noticed, how the contours started to blur. What was happening? She got scared, trying desperately to clench on something, while the room around her started to turn faster and faster.

“Catherine!” Suddenly, there was a grip on her shoulder and she almost screamed, but no word left her lips. Abruptly, the room stopped. Catherine blinked carefully and noticed, she was not in her prison anymore. She was in a courtroom. Sunlight flew brightly through the huge windows. In front of her stood Rafael Barba, a very concerned expression on his face and a hand on her shoulder. “Are you alright?”

Catherine breathed out in relief and to get the tension out of her body, while she sank back into her chair. She was free! It was over for now.

“Yes…”, she said, but her voice proved her a liar. It was hoarsely and almost broke several times within this simple word. Barba’s frown deepened and he watched her closely, penetrated her with these smart, brown eyes. Catherine tried a reassuring smile, but failed miserably. “I just…remembered. I was back in there for a moment.”

“I can imagine, it must be hard.”, he said and squeezed her shoulder. The wrinkles on Barba’s forehead evened and he sighed. Maybe she was still not focusing well, but Catherine had the impression, his gaze turned soft for a moment, but before she was able to confirm it, Barba had turned around. He walked back to his desk and filled a glass of water, what he handed to her. Catherine tried to smile again to thank him. It was a bit more stable than the previous one, but it still flickered dangerously. She drank a bit and took in several, deep breaths to calm her down. “I’m sorry, we have to go through this over and over again and that I’m picky on every word.”

He let go of her and went back to his desk again, leaning against the table, his legs crossed. He wanted to give her space.

“I really don’t want to put even more pressure onto you, but the defence attorney is John Buchanan. He’s a Pitbull and won’t go easy on you. He will try to twist every word in your mouth and hassle you, until you’re not sure of your own words anymore. I need you to be prepared for that.”

“I know…”, she whispered tiredly, while holding onto her glass. “If I fail to convince the jury, the entire case is lost.”

“Sadly, that’s true, but let this be my worry.”, Barba said softly and smiled at her. “I want to prepare you so that you won’t be hurt even more.”

Catherine looked up in surprise. She did not expect him to say something like that, although he had shown that he cared last night. Why could she not accept it? Why was every alarm bell within her ringing, although he was the only man in years, who had been kind to her? The depth of her soul warned her not to trust him, not to expect anything of him.

Barba watched her close, trying to assess the mental state she was in and about what she was thinking. He hated this part of the job, where he had to deliberately put them under stress to make sure they were able to handle it in court. In this moment, he was not any better than the defence attorneys or even the criminals themselves. He had to make the victims to go through their martyrium over and over again and in every detail, but he knew for what he did it. In the end it was for helping them. It was a fine line between preparing them and being a total jerk.

Catherine drank the last bit of her glass and finally looked back up at him. She felt calmer again after the clouds of her past had subsided and returned Barba’s gaze with a determined one of her own. She wanted to do this. She wanted to fight. It was the first time, where her efforts might succeed.

“Can we try again?”, he asked carefully. Catherine took a deep breath, while clenching her fingers stronger into her T-shirt and nodded. Barba nodded as well and then attacked her. His questions came from every unexpected direction. At first, Catherine was able to defend herself, but they became meaner and meaner and the pace increased. Barba showed his wits, nagging on a formulation or a word, until Catherine was not sure anymore, what she said or even meant. More and more, he forced her into a corner, his words pelted upon her like heavy rain drops and they hurt like a sharp whiplash. Still, the pace of the attacks increased even more, herd her into confusion until she felt dizzy. The room started to turn on itself like a too fast-moving carousel. It overwhelmed her, scared her und all of the neurons in her head were on fire, still Barba kept going and going, instinctively noticing every weak spot and purposeful targeting it. Catherine felt raped all over again, but in another, just as gruesome way. Panic flooded her mind and her chest suddenly felt tight, her sensed overstimulated and in the end, she could not take it anymore. She squeezed her eyes shut and covered her ears with her hands and screamed _stop_ with all force, tears falling from her eyes. For a moment, it seemed like Barba thought about continuing, because that was what Buchanan would do, but he decided to stop. Catherine breathed heavily, desperately trying to get air back into her lunge, gasping like she had run the distance of ten years on the run in this day, sweat dripping down her forehead.

When no new attacks came, she slowly came back to senses and the panic and desperation disappeared. Carefully, she looked back up. For a moment, the storm of emotions distorted her perception and Barba looked like a devil with a sly grin. Just as when her inner voices felt themselves confirmed, Barba’s gaze turned sad and his eyes became as deep as they were dark. It was the first time, she saw that expression on his face, the first time he seemed vulnerable to her as well. His steps echoed through the huge, empty room, which had just felt like it was about to bury her. When he reached her, he rested a hand on her upper arm and whispered:

“I’m sorry.” Those words were honest, there was no doubt to it, because they sounded too raw and full of emotion to be anything else. She wanted him to stop. He needed to stop otherwise, soon there would be no security wall around her heart anymore and she was sure, she would not be able to get through the trial without it. On the other hand, it was like a deeper part of soul pulled on her, trying to make her accept the offered emotions. To finally give in and let go, finally being able to catch breath for a while and let others help her. This longing deep inside her wanted nothing more to lean her head against his arm and take as much compassion as she possibly could. She was completely torn between her inner security system and her longings, which had been shut down for such a long time. She wanted to rely on others, she just was not sure, if she could. This inner conflict felt horrible and she lowered her head, because the urge would become too strong, if she looked any longer into his eyes. She should not depend on him so much. She never wanted to give anyone that much control over her, tough she knew, it was like that for a while. Barba was responsible for how her trial turned out. No matter how less she liked it, her freedom depended to him. Maybe it was another kind of Stockholm-Syndrome? Did her unconscious try to make him like her, because it hoped he would try harder then? Or she needed to be good, otherwise he would let her fall like so many others did? Tears burned in her eyes. Barba reached into his trouser pocket and offered her a hanky. Catherine looked at it for a moment, then laughed hollowly. It sounded more like a bark, while wiping the tears out of her eyes.

“Damn.” She took a deep breath and the tension disappeared from her, when she blew her nose. “That was…harsh.”

“I know.”, he admitted. He rested his arm on the brim of the pulpit. He was close, invading her personal space, but he did not do it to harm her or to make her uncomfortable and it seemed like her instinct knew, because she did not flinch.

“I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have panicked like this.” She sighed sadly and lowered her head in guilt again. “Maybe, it is not a good to testify…I’m not…”

“Miss Amell…” She stopped due to his authoritative tone. Her shoulders shivered like a little child waiting for being slapped. “You’re doing well. Don’t put so much pressure on you. I know you do, because you are aware of your important role in this case, but it’s not your responsibility alone. That is _my_ job, do you understand?”

He sighed deeply and smiled.

“I know, you are thinking that you need to offer me something, that you’re only worth as much as you give…when you fulfil, what others await of you. Those bastards had a year to imprint that into you. If you dared to deviate from the protocol, you were punished. I’m also aware, you’re trying to be good, so that I won’t depose your case. You freed yourself from your captivators and now, you think you’re under the mercy of another man again. Let me make one think clear: That’s not, how it is.”

Catherine startled and stared up with wide eyes. Maybe, he did not hit her physically, but he did mentally.

“Barba…” Barba sighed again and ruffled slightly through his short hair, his expression turning softer. He seemed to have been harsh to shriek her out of her dark thoughts, so that her body dispose the fear. Immediately, when he knew, he had her attention, his expression softened. Rafael smiled contently, although Catherine did not see it. She had not called him _Mister Barba_. He knew, it meant she was one step closer to trust him. But did he want her to? It was not necessary for her trust _him_. She only needed to trust in his work. His work with the SVU had truly softened him up. Before he had worked here, he had been as much of a hard-ass as Buchanan was, but he had learned quickly- and because of Olivia- that it would not work here. Too much pressure would cause more harm than help, but yet, it surprised him how much he had changed as well. In this moment, he did not do it to help his case, he truly did it to help _her_.

“It might help you see it the other way around. I might need your help to win this case, but actually, I’m working for you.”

Catherine frowned.

“You’re working for the prosecution of New York.”

“Whose job it is to punish those, who defied against the laws of society and to bring justice to those, who were harmed,” Barba said. “It’s my job to make sure that you finally get justice. Tough, I am aware that nothing we punish them with is enough to be equal with what you had to go through.”

Catherine sat stony in her chair, watching him with eyes as wide as meadow. Barba waited for her to react, but she looked paralysed. He was _her_ support. She did not need to give him anything. She did not need to be good enough.

“Okay?”, he asked and woke her out of it. Catherine blinked several times, but then nodded. Barba smiled and turned around, walking back to the place Buchanan was going to stand soon, but before he was able to turn back to her, Catherine whispered:

“Thank you.” The words were quiet and Barba almost missed them, but he heard them and he was content. His lips turned into a smile and he faced her.

“Shall we try one last time, before having lunch? I promise, I won’t speak that fast again. It seemed like this had caused you to panic, right?”

Catherine looked in wonder, because his words showed, how closely he was watching her. He had noticed that not the questions had been the problem, the problem had been, she had not been able to progress every question of them and the purpose. Her mind had not been fast enough and at one point, it had been overloaded.

“Yes.”, she answered and Barba knew, she meant both. And so, the cycle restarted again.

~*~

“The last one was good.”, Barba said, while scrambling with his chopsticks through the carton of the Asian take-away food. To be honest, Catherine had not expected him to be the kind of person for Asian fast-food. His appearance, clothes and language were cultivated, so she had assumed him to eat haute-cuisine. Guess, she had been wrong with that. Catherine still sat in the chair in the pulpit, while she ate her rice with fried pork. Barba wanted to make sure she got used to the place, therefore they had both put their lunch on the prim and he stood, while eating. 

They practised the cross-examination several times afterwards. Catherine had not been willing to take a break until she had got it right at least once. There were so many unwritten rules, she needed to follow. Not too emotional, yet not emotionless. Trying not to use the exact same words again, otherwise it would sound like she had commit it to memory, yet not to differently or else she would offer weak spots. Her head was still buzzing from all of Barba’s corrections and explanations, but she had tried to remember them all and, in the end, it had seemed to work. Catherine had noticed, how most of questions came again just in another disguise and she knew, how to respond to them. It had calmed her down. She had known what was about to come or what she needed to pay attention to.

Still, the little praise of Barba felt good and she could not prevent to smile proudly. Catherine was not completely sure, but he looked proud, too. Should she be this happy about it? Yet, there was a smile on his lips that made her feel confident and she noticed how she slowly started to trust him.

On the other hand, when they took a break from their roles, Catherine noticed, there was nothing left. She did not know, what to talk about or if she even should.  She was one of many for Barba, while she took great steps for him. Did that not mean, they were doomed? Wait! What was she thinking? What _they_? There was not any _they_. Catherine frowned about herself and looked over at Barba, but he was busy eating his glass noodles. What the hell was she expecting this to be? Sure, Barba was the first one, who had been nice to her in what felt like a lifetime. Of course, that would cause sympathy from her side, but it was also dangerous. With being abused for such a long time, it could happen she would value little action of kindness as more as they were. She sighed heavily. Hanging in balance again. Thanks to her captivity, she would likely never be able to behave naturally. Her thoughts and mind where way too damaged for it. She would either go too fast or too slow with anyone. When would the suffer stop? When was she going to be free again?

“Miss Amell?” Barba’s deep voice tore through her thoughts and made her jump. Once again, she saw herself faced with concerned, dark eyes and she did not know how to handle it. Was she taking too much from it again? “Are you alright? You stopped eating.”

“It’s nothing.”, she dismissed a bit too quickly and it did not go unnoticed. Barba frowned, but she started to eat, so he luckily decided to let it go. Still, the once comfortable silence had turned uncomfortable. She had the urge to say something, to fill it, to entertain him, please him. Stupid malfunction of her brain. She hated, how they turned her into a devote being, offering everything to not being hurt, although she would not be hurt. Barba would not hurt her. She said it over and over again to herself, hoping she would find her artificial self-confident back, because she hated how uncertain she felt. How pathetic. How weak.

“Will you stop blaming and doubting yourself on your own or do I have to scold you?” Catherine’s head jerked up and she looked at him. Barba had put his chopsticks back into the carton and had rested his head on his folded hands. Catherine starred at him with wide eyes with a flicker of fear in them. Barba sighed and shook his head.

“I can’t imagine, what kind of emotional trauma those years had caused, but you’re definitely thinking too much. I understand that you only expect the worst in people. It was your strategy to survive, but now, you have to trust me at least a bit. I’m aware this must be pretty unsettling and confusing. You can’t trust your instincts anymore, because the wall around your heart starts to crumble. Actually, you long for kindness, for someone being nice and yet you are afraid of it, am I right?”

“Yes,” she admitted after a long time. She was aware, it would make no sense at all to deny it. Barba had a good insight on human nature. “I didn’t know, what to talk about, because, when our roles subside, there is nothing left.”

“And you have the urge to please. A really thorough brainwash.”

“You sound impress.”

“Not at all.” Barba clenched his teeth together and the muscles of his jaws were prominently visible under his dark skin. “I’m _disgusted_.”

Somehow, this did the trick. Barba openly showing, how despicable he found their actions, was so incredibly soothing. It made him appear more human. She was grateful for him to let his cool demeanour slip away for a while.

“When I interrogated them,” he continued. “They acted like they were normal men, but something about them made every alarm bell ring within me, even if I didn’t know your story then.”

“I guess, they are not completely able to hide their sociopathy. I wished, my bells would have rung back then.” She sighed and squeezed her hand tight around her food carton. “Guess, I was naive.”

“Well, I have a few more years of experience and saw the worst of scumbags in this city. So, to be fair, I had a head start.” To her own surprise, Catherine chuckled softly. She had always loved sarcasm. She was British after all, they have invented it, but right now, it was sometimes hard for to identify it. Barba looked surprised as well, but he only showed it by slightly widening his eyes. Catherine slowly was able to recognise all those little expression on his face, but then, he laughed softly along with her and immediately, the tension was chased away again.

“I won’t hurt you, Catherine,” he said casually out of nowhere, his face becoming serious. “No need to be afraid. If I truly wanted to, I could have done that last night.”

“I know…” She sighed heavily. “It will be a lot of work to rearrange that programmed patterns in my brain. But…”

She looked back up at him and there was an oldness in her eyes, that was far too much for such a young woman. Eyes, tired of the world, eyes, who had seen hell and yet returned.

“I haven’t thanked you for it. Thank you.” Barba nodded and therefore accepted it without making a big deal out of it.

~*~

“Do you feel prepared,” Barba asked, after they finished eating up. Catherine hesitated for a moment, valuing her thoughts to give an honest answer.

“To be honest, the cross-examination isn’t making me nervous.”

“What then?”

“Having to face them again. I’m still terribly afraid of them and I fear, I might not be able to speak, when they’re in the same room as me. They had controlled everything of me for over a year, disobedience was punished brutally. What do I do, when those emotion are clashing over me, making me feel like I am drowning?”

“Then, look at me.”, he said softly and cupped her shoulder. “I’ll be with you all the time. You’re not alone in this. When the memories try to overwhelm you, or feel uncertain, look at me. I’ll be there. I’m your proof that they have no power over you. You don’t need to fight anymore. I’ll do it from now on. I’ll protect you with all that is given to me, okay?”

“Barba.”, Catherine whispered, her voice almost choked by her tears. Her lips started to tremble, when he spoke the words, she had wished for without her knowing. But the, a new-found strength filled her body and for the first time in years, she felt something like hope returning to her. At least, she was going to take her future into her hands. She was not going to running away anymore. With the SVU and Barba in her back, she felt like she might be able to win the fight for her freedom. But even if she loose, at least she had tried and it would end with her doom. Well, it would be an end nonetheless. No more years with Damocles sword hanging above her head. Finally, a smile returned to her face and Catherine wiped the tears of her eyes.

“I like that fierce expression much more on your face.”, Barba stated and Catherine chuckled slightly. Man, that still was unknown to her. In the last ten years, there had been no place for humour, but it felt so good to get it back.

“Well, they made a fighter out of me.” A fire started to burn in her eyes and she clenched her hand into a fist. “Time to stand up and get my life back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just one more chapter to go and part one is done :) I hoped you enjoy it. I like this chapter personally. Have a wonderful weekend. Next chapter is coming next Saturday as always. Greetings, Subaru


	4. Freedom into uncertainty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is time for the trial.

  1. Chapter freedom into uncertainty



“We found the suspects guilty.”

A mumble ran through the courtroom like a wave, but Catherine needed several moments, until the meaning of the word _guilty_ reached her. Over. It was over. They were going to rot in jail like they deserved. Hopefully, the other inmates would make them taste their own medicine. Catherine flinched, when the thought ran through her head, but it was good to get her anger back. Being angry was far better than being devastated.

A short gaze to the triplets showed her that they had thought the same. Their face had turned pale visibly and fear shone in their eyes, when they were dragged away. Catherine smiled contently, when a warm feeling of satisfaction settled within her. Finally, it was payback time.

Just when the short flicker of revenge and gratification was soothed, the overwhelming feeling of relief and relaxation came to her. She was free. Her life belonged to her again. A few happy tears fell unnoticed from her eyes, when Olivia squeezed her shoulders and whispered “well done”. A gaze towards Marianne- the other victim- showed, she felt the same. Her entire body was rigid, while she cried. Amanda had wrapped an arm around her, when the young girl broke. She was just twenty years old and looked very similar to Catherine. Obviously, the triplets had chosen her as her replacement, when it seemed like they would not be able to catch Catherine again. Luckily, they definitely had been out of practise and the modern technology had improved since Catherine’s abduction.

Marianne looked up and searched for Catherine’s eyes. Catherine smiled reassuringly at her. Thankfully, they had only raped her once. The SVU found her too quickly for them to do anything more. That alone was bad enough, sure, and Catherine hated herself for those thoughts, but Marianne could have had it even worse than her. Catherine was pretty sure, they would have killed her in the end. Marianne nodded gratefully towards her and thanked her silently for her testimony. Catherine tilted her head in acceptance, but then, her gaze wandered to Barba. He was busy storing his documents into his briefcase. Every movement of his were symbol of normality. It was nothing extraordinary to him. It was just a case after all. What Catherine did not know was, how she had missed the moment, when he had closed his eyes breathed out in relief. He did not look at her, but Catherine smiled nonetheless, because she hoped he could sense it. Barba had kept his promise and had fought like a lion for them.

Slowly, the courtroom started to empty itself, people walking out of it like busy ants.

“Let’s get out of here.”, Olivia said and stood up, while her detectives followed her example. Catherine nodded. When she stood up, she just realised, how tensed she had been, because her leg buckled and she almost feel down. For her luck, Olivia noticed and caught her and helped her back to her feet.

“That’s normal.”, she assured quickly and then leaded her out of the room. Due to her exhaustion, Catherine did not hear the insults of the family and friends from the triplets, when she left the room. The hallway was all stuffed out with marble, looking like a Grecian temple. People were running around, some of them carrying files and briefcases, most of them wearing as expensive clothes as Barba did. Catherine stood in the hallway together with the SVU squad. Amanda and Carisi were talking to Marianne and her, but Catherine did not understand the words. Her mind still felt paralysed, it could not completely understand, what happened. Carisi looked at her, smiling and Catherine returned it, without knowing, what he had said to her. It was too unbelievable that she was finally free. _Free_. The word slowly dripped into her mind like little rain drops. She had no idea what it meant to be free. Her nightmares were going to be locked away in prison for a long time, but she had to face a new fight and it scared her even more than her flight. There was nothing left of her. All she had cared about was to survive. Now, she had to find out, who she had become. She had to fill out that empty shell with a new soul, but how was she supposed to do that? How could build up a normal life? What was she going to do, now that she had not to worry about finding a hide out?

“Catherine?” Olivia’s soft voice appeared through the dark clouds of her anxiety. Catherine took a deep breath and unclenched her fingers from the fabric of her blazer. At one point, Catherine could not exactly say when, Olivia had started to call her by her first name.

Catherine tried to force a smile out of her, but truth was, she still felt completely overwhelmed. She was in a state between of no thoughts and anxiety. It was like her brain could not decide to be in flight mode or to shut down completely.

“It’s okay, Olivia.”, she answered mechanically. “I…don’t realise, it completely yet.”

Olivia nodded contently and turned back to Marianne, who was talking lively with Amanda, while her father had wrapped an arm around her. Catherine smiled sadly at the picture. She envied Marianne a little. It had been only a short intermezzo for her. Her life could relatively go on like before. There was no gap of ten years for her. She would go back to college, she could continue to live her dreams. Her parents had been with her all the time. For Catherine it felt they would slowly fade away from her, while she was left alone. She shook her head to chase these thoughts away. It was not the time for that. She had to pull herself together and master the next challenge of her life. It had always been like that. She would make it through this one as well.

“Well, that went just as we hoped.” Barba’s deep voice seemed to have become a rescuing line for her. It always reached through the darkness no matter, how thick it was. Catherine turned around. Barba was just leaving the courtroom. Slowly, he walked over to the others. When did they moved away from her? Catherine watched, how he spoke to Olivia, Marianne and her parents, while holding her breath. Catherine bit her lip and truly felt lost. She felt like one of those kids in a Dicken’s book, which was staring through the window and watched an intact family having dinner in front of a fireplace, while she was left alone in the snow. It felt like she did not belong to that group, like she had only a purpose for them to achieve their goal and then they willing get rid of her. Without her noticing it, her fingers clenched into the blazer just above her chest. She waited for him to come over to her. She frowned, when she identified the longing inside of her. Why did she wish him to come over? Why was her heart beating in her throat? Why did she want his attention? Catherine was disgusted by herself. Had the brainwash reached that far to actually hoping for another dependency? Why did she want nothing more than a nice pat of her head and to hear that she was good like a little child getting praise from its father? Did she really have such a big father complex?

On the other hand, Barba had been her hold through the entire trail that lasted a week. He was the only one she kind of trusted, who cared enough of her to make her carefully peak out of her caution. He was a guidance for her, who took his time to explain, what was going to happen next. What was normally done by the members SVU, had been his job with her, because she still shied away from the SVU most of the time. Barba became kind of a saviour for her, who offered her a way out of the ever-lasting cycle of fear. Still, she hated feeling that way. She did not want to cling onto Barba until he was bothered of her and kicked her back into the cage of loneliness. She did not want to get hurt by him. Catherine was not sure, if she could possibly endure someone hurting the little piece of trust she offered in this fragile time. It would be likely she would never be able to trust anyone ever again, but deep down within her, she did not want to lose her faith into humanity. What would be left of her life then? For what would she have fought all the time, if she lost faith right now?

Suddenly, Barba turned towards her and frowned thoughtfully. Cautiously, aware not to startle her, he walked over to her and stopped in front of her. He waited, until Catherine showed a visible reaction of him standing in front of her. It took some time, but then, she blinked and looked at him. To her own surprise, she was welcomed with a warm, content smile and he rested a hand on her shoulder.

“You’ve done well, Miss Amell.”, he said simply, but the words startled her as much as a life threat. Her eyes blew wide and her bottom lip began to shake, her eyes filling with tears. It must be a coincidence, Catherine was sure of it, but it felt like he knew, what she longed to hear. Still, those friendly and encouraging words overwhelmed her. It felt like her throat was restrained by her own tears. She shook her head, trying not to burst into tears in this very moment. It was just an act of politeness. Catherine was sure of it, but it meant the world to her. Holding back her tears became more and more difficult and, in the end, she knew, she was losing. The tremble became stronger, her body shaking. Then, without Catherine even being able to realise it, she had hugged Barba, pressing her head against his shoulder just like she had done the first night.

“Thank you…”, she whispered quietly and the way Barba startled, showed her, he understood, she did not only refer to his words. He understood she meant for everything. Catherine knew, she also had to thank the SVU, but somehow, she wanted to keep the first one for Barba. He did most of the work for her and it would feel wrong to her to thank anyone before him.

Catherine did not notice, how they were watched by the SVU, but Barba did. He felt the curious and amused gaze of Carisi in his back. The attention of the law student always made his neck itch. Sure, Carisi was a kind man, honest and loyal, but most of the time way too energetic that it touched the level of annoying. The energy and emotions radiating from him had always been too much for Barba to endure. Still, Barba relaxed from his surprise and own overwhelm and gently wrapped an arm around her. He felt how her tears wetted his suit jacket, but he did not care about it. Finally, Catherine and Marianne were free and that was what mattered to him. He held her for how long she needed to calm down. Finally, all the relief and tension were washed out of her body together with her tears and she dissolved. She wiped the remnant of the sadness out of her eyes and looked around. For Catherine’s surprise, Olivia seemed to have led the others outside. At least they were not standing, where they used to just a few minutes ago.

“Where…?” Catherine looked around, but could not make out any of them.

“They went outside.”, Barba explained. “Marianne is driving home with her parents right away and the other’s want to say good-bye. Do you want to go to them?”

It felt actually strange that someone was asking her, what she wanted. Not often in her life did anybody bother to ask her. She thought about it for a few, but then nodded.

“I want to say good-bye to Marianne as well.” Barba nodded and together, both went outside.

The cold air of the evening hit her like needles. It was March, but the previous nights had been rather cold. Catherine closed her coat and then hugged herself and rubbed her arms for a moment. It did not take her long to see the group at the end of the stairs of the court house. They were standing in front of a car- a Volvo she guessed- and talked to the other members. Barba had already taken some of the steps, before he noticed, she was not following him. He stopped and looked back to her, but Catherine immediately followed. There was something she needed to say. Something needed to get out of her system.

“Hey, Marianne,” she said cautiously, when they reached the others. The young woman turned around. Her blue eyes were almost back to normal.

“Catherine.”, she exclaimed and suddenly, Catherine was hugged tightly. Catherine went completely rigid, her body holding her breath. She certainly did not expect it. Actually, she did not know what she expected, but her mind just turned blank. “Thank you, thank you, thank you. For testifying and helping me out, when I struggled. I wouldn’t have made it without you.”

She had been guiding Marianne through the trail. She had sensed, when the young woman had become anxious and had talked to her. Marianne had relied on her, because Catherine had appeared strong and calm through the entire process. Only those trained in the psychology of victims would have recognised the defence mechanism with it. She had focused on her goal and it prevented her thoughts from getting distracted. In this moment, though, that mask fell shattering onto the ground and it was visible how much damage the triplets had cause within her.

When her father wanted to put a hand on her shoulder, she shied away again. She stumbled backwards out of Marianne’s embrace and hugged herself in a desperate try to keep distance. Her entire body was shivering with fear. She took one deep breath after another, trying to calm down her nerves, her quivering body and her heart.

Marianne watched her out of wide eyes, when she saw the trauma shining through the surface of Catherine. It was, if the girl just realised, what could have happened to her. Catherine on the other hand focused herself on the street lamps and started to count them. Focusing on other sense impressions was a valid possibility to calm down.

“I’m so sorry.”, she whispered quietly, but Catherine had gained control over herself again and shook her head.

“It’s okay. It was just unexpected. No need to worry, I’m good now.” Catherine tried to smile, but failed once again. It seemed like she need to learn how to smile again. She sensed the gazes of everyone on her. Everyone knew, she was not good, but they accepted her lie, because no one knew what to do.

“How long will they get?”, Olivia asked Barba to change the subject and act like that incident had never happened. Barba sighed heavily and rubbed his neck.

“Not as long as they deserve. The crimes done to Miss Amell’s are time-barred. I couldn’t charge them for those, you know that. Her case was only evidence. Therefore, they charge was only for rape and unlawful detention in a minor case. Around 12 years.”

“I know, that’s law, but it appears unfair.” Amanda huffed and shoved her hands into the pockets of her coat. She seemed utterly frustrated. “I mean, they’re not going to pay for anything they’ve done to her.”

“It’s okay.”, she reassured Amanda and showed a flickering smile. “I was aware of it and it was my own fault.”

All of them stared at her in shock. No one expected she would blame herself. Catherine took a deep breath and collected all of her strength. She turned towards Marianne.

“I’m so sorry.” Marianne starred at her in surprise, wondering to whom or for what she was apologising until she realised, it was an apology directed to her. Before she could ask Catherine for what she was apologising, Catherine continued: “I should’ve been braver. If I have gone to the police immediately, they might have been arrested and you wouldn’t have to endure it. They only abducted you, because you looked like me back then. If I…”

“Catherine, no.” Marianne shook her head vehemently. “It’s not your fault. You’re so strong. I wouldn’t have made it through it without you. Without your help, they would not be imprisoned.”

“Marianne…”

“She’s right.”, her father said. He was an average, mid-west man, with sunburned, tanned skin and a grey beard. “And we thank you for staying at our daughter’s side through all of this. You’re not to blame for any of it.”

“What are you going to do, now?”, Marianne asked and Catherine shrugged.

“I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t.” She stared up into the night sky, the stars shining brightly and the wind rustling through her hair. It felt like the first breath in a new chapter of life, but the last one ended with a horrible cliff hanger and she had no idea what the next page were going to offer. Catherine was not sure, if she was going to like, what they would offer her. How could it be that being free scared her more than being on the run? Why did New York suddenly felt like it was going to swallow her completely?

Mister Mitchell, Marianne’s father, seemed to have notice the strange tension twirling between this little circle or he simply felt pity for her. Either way, he turned around to her and had one those pitiful smiles. As if Catherine did not know, how miserable she was. She already felt like she was standing on top of a cliff and one wrong step would doom her forever. She had not realised yet, how she had turned her back towards the cliff. She could close the chapter. The peak of her story was over, not it was time to work for her _and she lived happily ever after_.

“You could stay with us for a while, if you like.”, Mister Mitchell offered kindly, but it startled Catherine. It was a nice gesture and more than she had ever expected, but she did not want to. How could she possibly turn it down politely? Her finger twitched nervously, but unnoticed from everyone. He only meant the best for her, but he put a lot of pressure on her and she chewed on her gum.

“That is a very kind offer.”, she started slowly. She blinked several times into the light of a street lamp, then raised her head and looked back to Mister Mitchell. “But I decline. I think, I rather stay here in New York. I know every corner and I need safety. Despite, if I go with you, I would owe my new life to someone. It would be a new dependency, although you have kind intentions. Please, don’t feel offended. I have to make it on my own, otherwise I will never gain my self-confidence back.”

Catherine squeezed her eyes shut and prayed silently, she would not made him angry, while she clenched her hand into her thighs. She also felt the piercing gazes of everyone on her. It was like they were burning on her skin. Attention was such a horrible thing. It had always meant she someone would get hurt- most of the time, it was her.

“I understand.”, Mister Mitchell said to her surprise, but then he longed into his pocket and handed her an ID-card. “If you ever need anything, give us a call.”

“Thank…you.”, she said overwhelmed and took the card hesitantly. Catherine knew, she could not turn that down politely. Mister Mitchell wanted to give her something in return for helping his daughter along. Catherine smiled and put it inside her pocket. “I will.”

She will never call.

Afterwards, Marianne said good-bye to everyone. She hugged Catherine so tight, she almost could not breath, but she endured it for a few, before it truly started to feel uncomfortable. Then, they walked to their car to drive back to Michigan. Olivia and her team followed her.

“I wouldn’t recommend to stay in New York.” Rafael Barba had walked up next to her and watched the scenery of good-bye just like her. Catherine frowned and looked at him.

“What? Why?”

“Because it’s never going to end like this.”, he explained with a serious expression on his face. She blinked several times, her mind trying to understand, what he wanted to say. Her blue eyes watched him confused and thoughtfully at the same time. Barba turned his head towards and there was something deep resting in his dark eyes.

“What do you mean?”, she asked, her voice much thinner than she expected it to be. How stupid was it to let his gaze take her breath away? But the concern was so much more than she ever expected. Although she was very grateful for everything he had done, she expected nothing after the trial had ended. Actually, she had thought, she had gone too far with her hug. The feeling was overwhelming her like a storm wave.

Barba stayed silent for several moments, his eyes simply watching her closely. Once again Catherine felt stripped down until her core. Under those piercing eyes, the shallow masquerade of an adult woman shattered and the frightened, hurt little girl appeared. Her alter ego she wanted to forget and leave behind. Sometimes, she even forgot this other self within her existed. It seemed like she was not able to keep this up with him.

“I don’t presume to understand, what you’ve been through or how to go on after this.” Barba closed his eyes and stared back to scenario on the other side of the forecourt. Marianne just hugged Carisi close, who had helped her through the case. His gaze was thoughtful, maybe even melancholic. Catherine could not tell and she desperately try not to search for the darkness. She wanted to believe, it was not a try of manipulation. He only wanted to give her an advice and he would give her something she did not have for so long- a choice. She could take it or not. She desperately wanted to believe, he cared for her. She did not want to be alone anymore and even if it was just for a blink of an eye, she was desperate enough to take it. She had got a glimpse of warmth and it had made her realise, how cold she had become. Caring could melt her frozen heart and she wanted to get a little bit of the person back she once had been. “I think, I understand, why you want to stay. You feel safe here, but let us be honest for a moment.”

Catherine stared at his silhouette and she had no bloody clue, what he wanted to say. Barba sighed sadly and he closed his eyes half. Marianne’s father heaved her suitcase into the boot.

“It’s an illusion. You were never safe here. New York is your hell, your trap. My opinion is, you’ll never be free here. Although you know, they are in prison, your unconscious is still going to expect them behind every corner.”

“Barba.”, she whispered surprise.

“I believe, you need a fresh start.”, he went on as if he had not heard her whisper.

“It feels like running away.”

“It’s not. You are free. You can do, whatever you want. And even if it is, no one would or should blame you. To be honest, it is a surprise, how well you are for what was done to you.”

“I’m not well.” The words tasted bitter on her tongue. She hated to admit it, because showing weakness could have been her death sentence. She also hated it, because it was a big trust step on her side. She was scared, because of it. No matter if Barba was getting it- and she was pretty sure, he was- or not, she provided him with a huge target, which he could use against her. She decided to trust in Barba, not in his job. Either meant it would not last. Presuming, he did not notice and whatever it was between them- or whatever she hoped it to be- would end in mere minutes. If he knew, it was even worse, because he was sending her away even if it might be for her best. Still, it was everything she could get for a long time. An illusion was better than nothing.

“I know.”, he said softly. “It only shows, how strong you are. I have no idea, how I would be in your place.”

It sounded honest, Catherine could not deny it. Also, she was not able to deny, how soothing it felt, how good it was to be acknowledge. Why was she that foolish? She just got her independency back and her heart willingly threw it away for some kind words and yet, she thirsted for more of those. Why on earth was she longing for that? Did she want to hurt herself? Because this was how it would turn out. She could not mean to Barba, what he meant for her. He was the only one, who granted her freedom, but she was one of many for him. The value of this actions for her were bigger than hers for him. That was a fact. While Catherine tried to convince herself not to expect too much of him, Barba watched her close.

“If there is anything you need, give Olivia or me a call.” Catherine’s heart jumped in surprise, then she lowered her eyes. There was something she needed, but she was too proud to ask. Inside her coat pocket she clenched her hand into a fist.

“Do you have any idea, how I could get some money? All of my reserves are gone.”, she said jokingly, but the undertone was dry.

“How much do you need?”, he asked casually. Catherine widened her eyes in shock. He was joking, right? But he already got his wallet out.

“Barba, no…” She grabbed his wrist and tried to push it down, the cold metal of his watch was pressing into her hand. Barba stopped his movement, but showed no intention to put it away.  Barba looked up at her and tilted his head.

“This is not the time to be proud.” He smiled and gently untangled her hand.

“When, if not now?”, she asked tiredly. “I just got my honour back.”

“It’s not being taken away by asking for help.”

“It feels like it is.”, she murmured and she looked once again like a little girl. Speaking about her emotions made her feel miserable.

“I know.” Barba turned to her and smiled encouragingly. Catherine felt the strong urge to cover her ears. Stop! He must stop. She could not handle it. He must stop being that kind and friendly. It made her mind race like crazy. “You’ve been through this all on your own. It was necessary, but you don’t need to go on like this.”

“Why are you doing this?” The question slipped out of her, before she noticed it herself. This one time, Barba did not notice the real question behind this obvious one.

“I want to help you.” He shrugged.

“And what do you want?”, she snapped.

“What?” Barba frowned and stared at her in confusion. Catherine hated herself for the deeply planted suspicion within her.

“What do you expect me to give you in return?” Oh, you stupid girl, shut up! Why do you keep talking?

“Is this how you think of me?” His voice became louder and for the first time since she knew him, he looked hurt. On another occasion, Catherine would have felt proud to get a stronger emotion out of him, but his obvious anger made her flinch. She knew, she was unfair. She knew she was twisting his attention around, but her subconscious did not allow her to get back. All the build-up anger and humiliation of the past years wanted to get out and sadly, Barba was in the crossfire.

“What else am I supposed to think?” Catherine almost shouted. “I’m no one to you. I’m just a case.”

There it was. She said it out loud without wanting it. She had been unwary and revealed her torment. She expected to be hit by pure anger, but instead, his body gesture relaxed and his frown deepened. He took his time to assess, what she just said, trying to understand what real reason was hidden behind it. Barba sighed deeply and pinched his eyebrows. Then, he looked up and saw tears in her eyes, she had not even noticed herself. Catherine gulped in surprise, when she felt the wet pearls rolling down her cheek. She felt so vulnerable and scared. Protectively, she wrapped her arms around her and waited for her punishment, her body shivering in fear.

“You won’t sue them by civil law, right?” This question totally was not what she expected. Carefully, Catherine opened her eyes and saw a gaze she could not assess. “You are eligible for damages for pain and suffering. You know that.”

“I can’t do that.”, she said painfully, her voice straining with her inner struggle. “I want it to end and they don’t have money anyway.”

“New York would pay for it.”

“ _Exactly_.” Her voice turned sour like a lemon and her face was scrunched in disgust. “It would feel like they are paying me for it. As if it would change a thing.”

“It’s a compensation.”

“No amount of money is a compensation for what they took away from me. Or could a billion dollar- or whatever a court decide would be the price for my suffering- give me back my hope? My innocence? My dream?”

“No.”, Barba admitted and lowered his eyes.

“Then, they shouldn’t try to express my hell in money. How could someone even assess, how much my trauma is worth? Ten thousand for every rape? One hundred thousand for the life of my son? Another ten thousand for every year on the run? Is that appropriate?”

“No.” Barba’s voice turned quiet and he did not look into her eyes anymore. Uncertainly, he licked his lips and then pressed them together. It seemed like he got her point. No one, who had been through the same, could even imagine, how big the aftermath of her hell was and no one should dare to believe they could price tag it.

“Then keep your money.” She pressed every word through her clenched teeth, the muscles of her jaw visible under her porcelain skin. Her entire body was tensed.

“I don’t intend it to be a compensation.”

“Then what?”

“You asked, if I know how you’re able to get money.”

“It was a joke.”

“It wasn’t.”, Barba replied seriously. “I know, you almost had nothing left and ran out of opportunities to organise more. That was the main reason, why you decided to stop running.”

He was right and Catherine hated, how easy it was for him to see through her.

“I know, it’s not much.”, he continued with a softer voice. “But it allows you to stay in a hotel at least for a week.”

Catherine raised an eyebrow and looked at the dollar notes, he was still holding in his hand.

“Those are at least five hundred dollars. I would not waste it on a week in a hotel.”

“No, you wouldn’t, but I think that’s what you need. After all those years living on minimum, you need a nice bed and a warm shower. You need to relax and recover your strength. Your trauma will keep you on your toes for a very long time.”

“Barba…”

“Please, Catherine.” Barba sounded pleadingly, but that could not be. It was not possible. Why should he? Why should it be important to him that she would accept the offered money? She could not even think of a reason, why. Or was she to afraid to see a possible one? Every time she thought about his motives, her heart clenched in panic. She needed to get out of this situation, before she was going to have a panic attack. O the other hand, she did not want to be impolite. Barba had done too much for her to do this to him.

“I don’t want…”, she started, but her voice subsided. She did not know exactly, what she wanted.

“What do you want?”, he asked. His tone suggested he wanted to make her say it out loud, but Catherine had difficulties to understand her heart. It was as if it was speaking another language or she had locked it out in order to keep her sane. Unlocking it was going to take a while.

“Pity…” Her stomach twisted, when she said it. She did not want Barba to have pity with her. It felt so wrong as if she was nothing but a little girl in his eyes. As if she was not worth then this arrogant feeling.

“Oh, Catherine.”, he said softly with a warm smile on his face. There it was again. He looked like a father amused by his foolish daughter. But why was it bothering her so much? Did she want them to be equal? That was ridiculous. That would mean they would have any kind of relation. “It’s not pity. It’s compassion.”

“It’s just a nicer sounding word, Mister Barba.”’

“I ask again: Is it so hard to believe that I care? Is my professional mask that well to awake the impression I am cold hearted?”

“I didn’t mean that.”, she said rueful, her eyes lowered shamefully. Barba laughed softly. “I just don’t like the feeling I get, when someone is pitying me. It feels like it’s decreasing my pain. Like it wasn’t that bad.”

“I…”, he stopped and sighed. “I think, I understand. To be honest, tough, I want to do something for you, because no matter how many years they get, it’s not enough. I don’t like that I wasn’t able to sue them for what they did to you. They’ll get around twelve years…just as long as you’ve been in their prison. It isn’t fair, but there isn’t more I can do. My possibilities are limited in their punishment, but not in support.”

“My answer is the same I’ve given to Mister Mitchell. I appreciate the effort, but I just got my independency back…I can’t lose it again, although I believe you to have good intentions.”

Barba stayed silent for several moments, then sighed and put the money back into his wallet. Catherine breathed out in relief. Barba seemed to understand that she needed to prove she was going to make it on her own. Just then, she would be able to trust others. After that she could open up, but she needed to sort that out beforehand.

“Thank you.”, she whispered and he nodded. “I think, it’s time for me to go.”

“I wish you all the best, Miss Amell. I’m sure, you’ll make it. My offer still stands. If there is anything, I can do, give me a call, but I’m sure you’re never going to.”

“You’re quite the observer.” She chuckled lightly and it felt so strange to be amused. “Farewell, Mister Barba.”

Then, Catherine turned around, before she changed her mind. It was her time to leave her hell behind and maybe even more. It needed to be a clean cut, otherwise those strings could turn into chains. At least, Catherine believed that. Although she knew, she actually wised to at least see Barba again, she could not. It would only end in her being hurt. She was too fragile to built up any kind of relation, if Barba was willing to. She would mistrust him and, in the end, it would poison her relation, because that was, what she was at the moment. She was poisoned and she needed to get it out of her system beforehand, before any healthy emotion could grow within her and she needed to do it on her own. His was a farewell. She would never see him again. The basis of her relation was way too distorted and she had no idea, what she could give Barba in return for everything he would have to invest into it, if he was willing to. No, there was no future.

Barba looked after her, while she said good-bye to the SVU and then disappeared into the night like New York was swallowing her. He hoped, she would find a way out of this dark hell. He truly wished it for her, but there was nothing he could do. Whatever she needed, she needed to find it within her. He only wished her the best, before he turned around as well and left for his office. The next Marianne and Catherine would come soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone :) This is the end of part one. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Did you expect it to end like this? Let me know :)
> 
> The first chapter of part two comes next Saturday, but if I am able to keep the update rhytmn then, is uncertain. My cat is likely put to sleep next week and I don't know, when I am able to write again. I will update as soon as I can, I promise. I just hope, you will give me some time until I am able to write something, I am content with.
> 
> Have a nice weekend :) Subaru


	5. City of a new chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is time to start Part two and the real story :) I hope you enjoy it.

  1. Chapter



Rafael Barba was on the Santa Monica Pier. It was a Saturday afternoon in summer and it felt like whole LA tried to fit onto the Pier. The big wheel turned around itself, its lights shining brightly and a lively music was dancing through the air. People were walking around, pushing each other, eating candy cotton and chatting with each other. Rafael had the luck to conquer one of the few benches and watched them. He held a newspaper in his hand, which he had just finished reading. He sighed, took a bite of his Hot Dog and closed his eyes. He tried to sit back and relax, enjoying the Californian sun on his skin and the warm breeze in his short hair. A month ago, he had to quit his job as the ADA of New York and he decided to move somewhere far away. He got a job offer from a law office in LA and took it. He was not a prosecutor anymore, he was a simple lawyer and that caused a lot freer time than he used to have. It was unknown to him to have a free weekend, not to be on alarm. Still, he mourned his old job. He had been a prosecutor for over twenty years. It was in his system and although the worked with the SVU had never been easy, he had liked it. He had liked the challenge and fighting for the good ones, helping these victims to get their justice. He also missed Liv and the others. Even Carisi. He closed his eyes, leaned forward and rested his arms on his legs. He saw a little girl running past him, a balloon following her. He smiled, when her joy of life jumped over at him. It cheered him up for a moment. This part of his life was over, but maybe it was not a bad thing. He was no longer the youngest and more years in his old job would have taken its toll. He was sure of it. When the constant stress had fallen off him, he had just noticed how exhausted he was- physically and mentally. Twenty years on the edge left its marks, although he had liked it.

Now, it was time to take a step back and actually enjoy life. That was why he went to the Pier in the first place. Still, it was hard to find any appeal to it. There were way too many people out here and it was too loud. Although he had to admit, he liked the view over the ocean. At least, he was able to buy a house at the beach of Malibu. That was quite enjoyable.

Rafael folded the newspaper and let his eyes wander over the sea. Soft waves rolled over the shore. A lot of people were walking their dogs along the beach. He even saw two riders- one on a brown and a one on a black horse- cantering through the shore. He tried to focus on this view and ignore the pure life behind him. When he managed to do so, his body started to relax. He stretched lazily and looked with half-closed eyes over the ocean. The warmth of the sun did its rest to help him relax. Yes, he thought, he could enjoy this.

“Mister Barba?” A womanly voice asked behind him in a surprised tone. “Rafael Barba?”

Rafael grumbled, when he was immediately torn out of his relaxed state. For God’s sake, who was disturbing him? He turned around and saw a young woman, maybe around thirty, standing behind him. She had long brown hair and bright blue eyes. In her left hand, she held a waffle with ice cream. It took him a few moments, until he recognized her.

“Catherine Amell?” She nodded and smiled. Catherine had dyed her hair back to its natural brown tone and removed the coloured contact lenses, she had worn as a disguise. She took the few remaining steps to him and stopped right next to him. “What a surprise. How long has it been?”

“Around three years.”, she answered.

“Three years…such a long time. How are you doing?” He slid to the side and offered her a place to sit. Catherine seemed surprised. She probably did not expect his friendly reaction. Barba was sure, she had thought he would not recognise her or at least not that fast. But he remembered all of them. Barba smiled amused and patted on the free space next to her. “Take it or someone else will and I would prefer you.”

She still hesitated for a few moments, but then smiled slightly and took his invitation.

“So, to come to my first question, how are you doing?” Catherine was obviously overwhelmed with the situation. Her entire body was stiff and if her grip got any stronger, she would break her waffle into two. “I’m not going to bite you, you know.”

“Not so sure about it.”, she said hesitantly and watched him out the corners of her eyes. Barba laughed instead. Catherine waited another few moments, before she sighed. “I left New York after the trial. I thought about our talk and what Olivia and the others recommended. I didn’t want to leave New York, because I knew the city. I knew, where to hide, where to go, but on the other hand, it would always remind me. I would never be able to walk through the streets without suspecting them behind every corner. Therefore, I decided to leave New York right away and move as far away as possible. I brought a one-way ticket to LA and never looked back.”

Catherine stared at the ocean and licked her ice cream. It seemed like she thought back for the first time in the past three years. Barba understood. It was another way of running away. After her rapists were imprisoned, she needed to run from the location. During her run, she had only stayed in New York, because every corner and street of the Big Apple was known to her. Leaving for a new city would have been a huge risk. Now, it was finally time for her to build a life and a home.

“I needed around half a year to fully understand that they’re in prison. I was still expecting them around every corner and was scared. It was hard to realise, I was finally free again.” She finally looked at him with a small smile. “Thank you for it, again.”

“You don’t need to thank me. It was my job.” But Catherine shook her head.

“It was your job, true, but you could have decided that the case was a great risk. You were the one fighting in court. So, I might have been your job, but that doesn’t change that it was your work that freed me.” This one of the things that always surprised Barba about her and what kept her present in his memories. After her trial was over, she had thanked him first. Normally, the victims thanked Olivia and her team. When he had left the courtroom, she had hugged him tightly and whispered her thanks with tears in her voice. To be honest, he had felt a little overwhelmed in that moment. His entire body stiffened and he awkwardly patted her back. Barba never forgot the grin on the SVU squads faces, when they had watched it. It made her sympathetic to him, despite the odd circumstance they got to know each other.

“Thank you.” It was a genuine thanks for her appreciation of his work.

“After I learned that I’m free, it seemed like the colours reappeared in the world. It’s hard to explain. Everything seemed brighter, lively, more beautiful than it ever did before. Everything I did was like doing it for the first time. I took the time to enjoy the wind in my hair, the scent of the ocean, enjoying the sun on my skin, eating ice cream. All this normal stuff that was taken from me for almost ten years. It is hard to explain.”

“I think, I have an idea.” He smiled and finished up his hot dog.

“In that summer, I applied for a scholarship and got it. I started studying biology again. I just handed in my bachelor thesis and await the result. Afterwards, I gonna apply for a master study and maybe do my PhD. Let’s see.”

“That is amazing, Miss Amell.” And Barba meant it. When he had met Catherine Amell, she had been nothing more than a shell- a soul almost completely broken and hardly hanging on. Over her iris had hung a dull haze. Barba had only been able to guess, how bright they once might had been. Now, he was able to see it again. Her blue eyes shone full of life and intelligence. She found back to her potential that had been robbed of her. Barba was truly glad she found herself back and overcame her past. Catherine smiled shyly. She was definitely unused to being praised. There was even a little blush on her cheeks. Rafael found it cute. Although she was thirty years old, she seemed more like when she was back at the age, when she had been abducted. She appeared not older than in her early twenties.

“So, what is the famous Rafael Barba doing in LA? Are you on holiday?” Catherine obviously only wanted to do small talk. She did not want their conversation to be just about her. She could not have known that she hit a nerve. Barba startled and lowered his eyes. Catherine frowned and turned her head to him.

“No.”, he answered with a heavy voice. His throat was suddenly dry. “I’m not.”

Catherine closed her mouth and fell silent.

“So, it is true.”, she whispered after a few minutes. “You quit your job.”

“You heard about it…” Rafael closed his eyes. “Of course, you did.”

“Yes, I followed the news about the SVU and you. I read about the incident with the baby.” Her smile turned sadly and she rested a hand on his shoulder. Gently, she squeezed it. “I just hoped, you found a way around it. Maybe being suspended for a while and then returning.”

The silence that fell upon them was rather uncomfortable and Barba shifted on the bench, while Catherine stayed silent. Barba was not sure why, but he was wondering, what she thought about it.

“I don’t know, if you wanna hear it or if it means anything to you,” she went on, while looking over the ocean. “I don’t think, it was decision, which was supposed to be made by you, Mr. Barba, but I think you did the best for Drew.”

“You do?” Barba frowned. He definitely did not expect that. He thought she would react just like Olivia. He was so surprised, he did not even wonder, why she was able to remember the name of the baby. He, who normally paid attention to every word due to his job, missed that she obviously cared enough about him to remember the case in such details. It also showed, how thoughtfully she had researched the case, because most newspapers did not print the name of the family or the baby- to protect their privacy.

“Yes…” She took a deep breath in and looked at him. Her bright blue eyes met his and there was nothing, but sympathy in her eyes. Barba did not know why, but it comforted him a little. “I read about the disease a little and know enough of Biology to understand in which state he was. That his vegetative nerve system was working on minimum, but nothing more. He was nothing like an empty shell. He would be able to feel pain, but not even to understand it was pain. He never existed in the first place.”

Her voice trailed off and was carried away by the wind, while her hands rested on her knees. Barba was surprised by how comforting and relieving it was that someone said, he did the right thing. This case had driven him to the edge and afterwards, he doubted his decision many times, even regretted it, but Catherine words had something soothing.

“But even, if I would not been able to understand it, I think, I would still think so.”

“Why? I must appear like a murderer.” Sometimes, in the deep of the night, he saw himself like that. He still tried to convince himself, it had not judicially been murder, but his brain insulted him as a fool. It was a good excuse, but nothing more.

“Because…” Catherine stopped for a moment and pressed her hands between her thighs, while staring into the sun. It seemed like she was thinking about how to put it into words. In the end she shook her head and seemed to throw away the first draft of explanation. Instead, she started anew: “We don’t know each other very well. Well, you know every detail of my life and I know almost nothing of you, but you don’t _know_ me. But there is one thing, I’m pretty sure of about you and normally, I have a pretty decent instinct.”

Her blue eyes looked deeply into his eyes and in this moment, they were as vivid as the ocean in front of them. Barba felt his finger tighten into his jacket and he wondered, what characteristic she would bring up.

“I know, you are a good man,” she stated simply and Barba was surprised, by how disappointed he actually was. He expected something more complicated that would save him from his own thoughts, not something that trivial, but Catherine was not done yet. “You carry a good mask to deal with all the mess you were and still are faced with, but I know, that you care deep within. You would never hurt anyone voluntary. You are a too good man to be a murderer. You did it, because you wanted to protect Drew and to help his parents even at the risk to end up in jail yourself. You were a prosecutor long enough to know, which risk you were taking. You would never endanger a job carelessly, which allowed you to bring justice to those, who needed it. I know for sure, it would never cross your mind to harm a _baby_ , without a good reason. That isn’t the Barba I got to know and I would have trust in that.”

Barba stared at her with wide eyes, while shaking his head in disbelief. Her argumentation was so simply and yet, it hit him hard. Even without understanding the medical condition of Drew, she would have believed, he would never make a morally wrong decision. She would have trusted in _him_ , believe in _him_. He gulped and looked into her eyes, but he found no doubts in them. Catherine simply knew, he was a good man and that was all she would have needed. Catherine, who always saw and expected worst of humanity, gave him that much credit. It was unbelievable, but yet, it was comforting. If someone like Catherine could believe it was the right thing to do, then it probably was. He did not need to justify or explain himself to her. His words that he believed it to be the right choice, was enough for her.

Barba took in a deep breath and blinked away a few tears that were filling his eyes. Catherine seemed to notice his condition. She hesitated for a moment, looking at him, then away and back to him again, uncertain about what to do, but in the end, her own good nature won. She turned to him, wrapped her arms carefully around his shoulders and leaned her head against his. This compassionate gesture startled Barba, because he would never expect it from her. It brought a little smile to his face and he allowed himself to accept that little gesture of compassion. Slowly and slightly, he leaned his head more against hers, while letting her friendliness seep through him and chase away the doubts within his stomach.

“I’m sorry that you had to quit,” she suddenly whispered quietly.

“Why are you apologising? It’s not like you’re the reason.” Barba dissolved from her and looked at her with an irritated gaze.

“No, but that doesn’t change that I feel sorry for it. I mean, you obviously loved your job and as far as I could assess it, you were brilliant. I mean, of course you were, otherwise you wouldn’t be in this position for so long and…”

Catherine spoke faster and faster with every word, struggling with her own words. She obviously did not want to hurt Barba and noticed with every try, she only made it worse. Barba watched it amused.

“Slow down, Miss Amell. Easy.” He laughed. “If I get offended this easily, I wouldn’t have last long in my job.”

Catherine slouched her shoulders and fell back against the bench. Now, she felt dumb and totally embarrassed.

“You enjoy it.”, she said sulky. Barba chuckled genuinely. It had been a while since the last time he could.

“A little.”, he replied with a smug grin. “There are only a few people, who didn’t like their ego to be praised.”

“Even to the price of embarrassing me?”

“You did that to yourself.” He smiled, while Catherine threw a deathly gaze at him. That only made him laugh louder. Barba truly enjoyed himself. Her anger disappeared quickly and all the tension was gone out of her body. The past lightness of the situation was gone and a melancholic sadness laid in the air.

“I’m still sorry.”

“I know and it’s appreciated.”, he said softly. “But maybe it’s for the best.”

“So, you are doing a fresh start as well in LA?” Barba nodded and Catherine let out a deep breath.

“Okay, so let me give you some tips. First of all.” She pointed at the remaining waste of his Hot Dog. “If you truly want a great Hot Dog, go to Dirt Dog in the Figueroa street. They’re delicious. Not like this crap.”

Barba frowned and looked at the packing of his eaten hotdog, then threw it in the bin next to the bench. He just wanted to say something, when her watch started buzzing. She jumped in surprise and looked at it.

“Oh shit. My shift starts in the café. I’m sorry, but I have to go.” She jumped up quickly and removed some crumbs from her clothes. “It was nice meeting you again, Mr. Barba. I hope, you will enjoy living in LA. Maybe, we are going to meet again. Good bye.”

Catherine turned around and was just about to leave.

“Miss Amell.” Barba called her back. She stopped and looked at him over her shoulder.

“I’m only living here for a month and barely know anyone. Would you mind showing me around?”

Catherine frowned and turned fully around. She definitely did not expect that.

“You want that?” She still had problems to believe that someone would like to spend time with her. With Barba it was even harder to believe, because she had been his case. How could he be able to see something else in her? He barely knew her and yet knew every secret of her. Barba simply shrugged.

“Like I said, I barely know anybody here.”

She hesitated, but then nodded and went back to him.

“Give me your mobile phone.”

“Why?”

“I gonna give you my contacts. Text me, when you have time, and I’ll arrange something. But now, I truly have to leave. I need the money.” Barba got his cell phone out of jacket and Catherine quickly saved her contacts. With a last wave, she turned around and hurried off the Pier. Barba leaned back and smiled. Who would have guessed that he would meet her here?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How did you like? I do actually :)
> 
> I don't know, if I'm able to post a new chapter next Saturday, because it's not done yet, but I'll try my best.


	6. Shake off the inner devil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Cause I am done with my graceless heart  
> So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart  
> 'Cause I like to keep my issues strong  
> It's always darkest before the dawn  
> Shake it out, shake it out  
> Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa  
> Shake it out, shake it out  
> Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa  
> And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back  
> So shake him off, oh whoa
> 
> Shake it out- Florence +the Machine

  1. Chapter Shake off the inner devil



Catherine had expected that was it. The entire conversation at Santa Monica Pier had been a polite act- nothing more. Even in her head, the entire situation sounded weird. Rafael Barba had been her prosecutor, she had been his victim. They had needed each other to achieve, what they wanted, but afterwards their purpose was gone. What else was left to them? What basis for any kind of relation remained? They did not know each other, although, he knew every fact of her life. But they were nothing but facts. Barba did not know Catherine Amell as a person.

After their coincidental encounter, Catherine had thought about the situation over and over again. She had gone through every detail, every spoken word. She simply was not able to find any reason, why Barba would want to spend time with her. He did not know that she was loyal, kind and supportive. Barba had only seen the worst sides of her. Her fear, her shyness and self-doubts. None of that had been sympathetic. There was nothing likeable about her from his perspective. None interaction had given him any reason wanting to get to know her better. Why should he? She had been a victim and therefore weak and uncertain. None of it would catch his interest beside her role.

Then, there was the fact that they were totally different persons in different worlds. Barba was intelligent, well-educated, ambitious, successful and confident. He was on top. Catherine, on the other hand, just started to figure her new self out. Over her captivity, she had lost herself. The Catherine, she had been, had died in her dungeon.

Despite that, there was the age difference. Barba was twenty years older than her. He had achieved everything in life. While she was a thirty-one years old woman, who behaved like she was twenty-three at maximum. They were on totally different stages in life. So, what would he want from her?  Why would he be interested in staying in touch? Catherine had not been able to find an answer. She just could not figure out, what purpose she might have for him.

That was, why she did not expect him to text her at all. Tough, she could not deny that little semen of hope deep within her. Catherine could not tell exactly why, but Barba meant something to her. He had found her. He had listened to her story. He had fought for her in court and he had given her freedom, although that was still hard to handle at times. She owed all of it- her life- to the SVU and him. Therefore, she wanted them to like her. On the other hand, it was incredibly hard for her to believe, they could be interested in her despite the case. Why her of all people?

Catherine sighed and slammed back into the lounge of her small living room in frustration. The entire room was almost dark, because of the late hour. Catherine did not care. The dark helped her to focus. In the light, she only got stuffed up in details. Darkness covered most distractions.

It had been four days since she had met Barba again and there had been no reaction of him. That made her believe even more that he had only been polite. Why did she allow herself to hope for more? Why did she want Barba to text her? Maybe, because she had not been able to make real friends in LA? This city was superficial in itself and Catherine was not used to the game of self-presentation. Next to still having trust issues, of course. Deep inside her, she hoped to have at least one known person. Did such things happen? A prosecutor and his victim becoming friends? Catherine had never heard of such an incident. She also found Barba incredibly hard to assess. Normally, she had a quite reliable instinct, but Barba always stayed calm. It made it difficult for her to assess, what he might think of her.

Catherine snorted frustrated and crossed her legs. That was all not worth the fuzz. She should accept the truth and leave the encounter behind. It had been, what it had been. No deeper meaning behind it. Still, she felt sad and disappointed and that made her angry. Stupid, pathetic, little Catherine.

She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. She focused on her inner self and tried to convince it to accept, what her brain already knew. With these thoughts, she got up, put the dishes of her dinner into the sink and went to bed. She needed long to finally fall asleep, but at around midnight her breathing eased and she fell into a slumber of vivid dreams.

In her hurry, she had left her phone behind and therefore did not notice, how it buzzed and the display started to glim in the dark and announced the message of an unknown number.

~*~

The next morning was bright and merciless. The sun shone through the shutters and tickled her nose. Catherine groaned and turned in her bed, her brain not willing to let go of the blissful darkness. She felt drained and exhausted even before she returned from the twilight. Something had taken away most of her mental strength. Her eyelids trembled and then her bright blue iris appeared. Eyes of the colour of the sea. Her brown hair had fallen all over her face, when she slowly rose from her bed. It needed several moments until the emptiness of sleep was filled with memories. Catherine groaned again and rested her face in her hand, every strand of hair standing in another direction. Again! Once again, she had allowed her mind to be drained by this hope. She did not have time for it. She needed to focus to rebuild her life. Why had she thought about their meet-up again? She always felt exhausted, after she had done that. She had promised herself to build up her confidence by herself and not to depend on others. Everything was complicated about it. Why did she wish to not have met him again? Or better, why did her brain wish? Her heart obviously wanted to meet him again. Why else would she be sleepless? But what did she expect to gain from it? Why was it so important?

Catherine sighed frustrated and got up to start her morning routine. There was no reason to think about it any further. She had got her answer. Time to close her mental door just like the door of her bathroom.

Half an hour later, Catherine sat at the folding table, which was montaged onto the wall and served as desk and dining table at the same time. The cereals in front of her were a no name brand and tasted like carton, but she needed to save money. She only had three months to save as much as possible, before she would hopefully start her Master of Biology. Then, she would have even less time to gain money. There was no time for distractions. She wanted to make something out of her new life. Catherine sighed and drank coffee to wash dawn the disgusting aftertaste of carton with milk. When she wanted to check the agenda of her shifts, she frowned, when she noticed a text message. Normally, she only interacted with her colleagues at work and her fellow students. Therefore, she was rarely contacted. Sometimes, she caught herself staring at the screen of her smartphone, refreshing the chat logs in hope someone would text her. That someone wanted to talk to her despite work or studying. That someone wanted to get to know the real Catherine not just the roles she represented. Was that, what she was hoping to find in Barba? Because he had showed a little interest in her? How stupid was that? When did she become that desperate? It seemed like her freedom was just an illusion. Her body was free and she was not in a life-threatening situation anymore, but she was not free of her complexes. The chains were just replaced by others. Deep inside her, she was still afraid. Right now, for example, she was terribly afraid to open the text message. But why? It was likely just a spam. Maybe, she won a ticket for a concert or something like that.

Catherine sighed and fidgeted with the smartphone in her hand, her thumb hovering above the _read_ button, but finally pressed it.

_Good evening, Miss Amell. Rafael Barba here. I’m apologise to contact you that late- in many ways. I probably made you anxious with it. I wonder, if you’re still willing to show me around or did I spoil this opportunity? If you’re up to it, I’m looking forward to it. Please contact me with a time that suits you._

Catherine’s mind froze for several minutes, while she read the text over and over again, but she was not able to get the meaning. Suddenly, she felt an inner pressure and she noticed, how she had held her breath. It could not be! Barba had texted her and he apologised for messaging her that late. He had even been able to tell, how much stress it had put on her. Actually, that was kind of creepy, but it also made her incredibly happy. She sniffed and wiped a tear away. It felt like a chain around her chest was opened and she could breathe opener. The relief was that great, she even forgot her doubts for a while. Without wasting another thought, she typed a quick respond:

_Truth be told, I wasn’t expecting a message of you anymore. I’m rather surprised, but the apology is accepted. I must work a lot within the next months, but if you like, you could stop by the café, I’m working at. It’s in Santa Monica and quite nice, I guess. My shift ends at 5 pm. Would that suit you?_

She added the address of the café and send the message. Just when she saw it appear on the screen, she felt nervous again, but it was dismissed, when her alarm started and reminded her that she needed to leave. Quickly, she gathered her belongings and left, her heart hoping dearly that he would come.

~*~

The “Back on the beach” café had the best location, front row at the Ocean drive, with a wide terrace and best view over the beach and ocean. Sunshades in a bright orange protected the guests from the sun, their brim dancing in the soft breeze, which was coming from the ocean. The inventory was rather simple, wooden tables and chairs, but that was not, what it was about. The café lived from his astonishing view and the delicious home cooking. The scent of meat, entwined with coffee and fruits flew through the air, wetting the mouth of every customer. It was an exotic aroma singing from the never-ending summer of this city. Most customers were tourist, who wanted to enjoy the cliché Californian vibe. The others were mostly surfers trying to regain her energy after riding the waves. The atmosphere was relaxed. Everyone was simply enjoying the ocean or the sun.

Catherine was lucky to work here. The normal payment was not the best, but the tips were great- especially those from the tourist. All she needed was to be over-the-top friendly. Acting was one ability she had learned over this horrible time. She could give the customers every kind illusion they asked for. Whatever they wanted to see, she would give them. It was not like she did not like her job. Actually, she did. She enjoyed and was pretty good in talking to people, if it stayed on a superficial level. When she needed to wonder whether to trust the person or not, it became more complicated and the situation she brought herself in was pretty damn complicated.

It was almost five o’clock and her shift about to end, but Barba had not showed up yet. Catherine caught herself glimpsing to the door more often than it was good for her and she could not check her phone during her shift to see, if he had responded. That did not stay unnoticed from the rest of the employees. Isabela, her co-worker, was watching her in confusion and had asked, if she was waiting for a date. Catherine had dismissed it, of course, but then, she had noticed, she could not say, why she was behaving that strangely. It was not like she could have said, she was waiting for a friend. They were definitely not friends, but what then? Why could she not get rid of her doubts and simply be delighted that someone wanted to spend time with her? It was time to end this abeyance once and for all. She was going to find out, what was going on between Barba and her. She needed certainty- no matter what it might look like, because she could not deny her longing for a trusted person anymore. She wanted someone to look behind her mask and Barba had showed that he might be willing to, but for that, she needed to know, if he truly wanted it. It was better to find out today that he was not and get hurt than allowing her hope to grow and then been shattered. At least, she would be able to let go then.

Catherine sighed and gripped her tablet tight, until Leonhard had finished the two coffees and one cappuccino she was waiting for. Her nervousness had been transferred into her work, made her distracted. Normally, Catherine was an ideal employee. She worked hard, saw the work, which needed to be done and she was always bright and friendly. The owner relied on her, but today, she messed up the orders, although she tried to focus. Her eyes kept gazing to the clock, every ticking of the fingers hammering through her brain, announcing that her disappointment was coming closer. With every moment passed, her doom was arriving and the seed of hope would wither. She hated, how bad she was thinking of humanity and Barba, but she was afraid of being hurt. The fear was so strong, she was even denying her the chance to let anyone close enough to potentially becoming a friend. She knew there was no guarantee she would never be hurt, but she hoped deeply that her first friend after that horror being someone strong enough to keep up with her trauma and those were hard to find. No one in LA knew about her past, no one saw the scars- neither those on her body nor on her soul. She was skilful in covering them up so no one, who did not truly care to look at her, would notice. Someday, at least she hoped it, she could show everything of her to someone. But maybe, LA was not the right place to find such a person. Damn, why did she allow herself to think those dark thoughts, when the sun is shining brightly outside? Why did she want all or nothing? Could she not live with something in between? At least, Barba was someone with whom she could talk about her past. If he appeared…

Five minutes left until she had her answer. Catherine’s heart clenched painfully and a small tear formed itself in the corner of her eye. How likely was it for him to come? And even if he did not, it did not mean, he was rejecting her. Maybe, he had a case and therefore no time. Her offer of a meet-up was pretty spontaneous and he was a busy man for sure. She knew, why she suggested today, because she had been more exciting than she had been in very long time, when she had read his text message and she had not been able to wait. She wanted to meet him. She snorted and laughed inwardly at herself. She truly was pathetic. If she continued to cling on someone and projecting every hope, she could not fulfil by herself, on a single person, it was no wonder they would shy away. It was unhealthy for them. The toxic of the crime committed to her was still running through her veins, it seemed. She just had not noticed it the past years, because no one came close enough to be poisoned by her. Probably, she should withdraw herself.

“Catherine, new customer at your table.”, Isabela said, while passing her. Catherine had not even noticed, how she automatically had served the drinks Leonhard had given to her and returned to the kitchen. She blinked a few moments to get back into reality and thanked Isabela for making her notice it. Quickly, she stroked her hair out of her face and clapped her cheeks, until she smiled friendly again. LA wanted a mask. She would give it a mask. Hastily, she turned around, already taking out her little notepad to write down the order. Today, it was warm, but not hot and therefore, most customers had decided to sit outside, but Catherine’s guest had sat down in one corner of the small room. He had his back turned toward the walkway and starred out of the window. His head resting on his hand. His hair was black with a few grey strands entwined and he was clothed in a very expensive three-piece suit, although most would say it was too warm for wearing it. Catherine stopped walking uncertainly, her heart stopping for a moment, before beating even faster than before in happiness. Yes, it was happiness, what Catherine was feeling and it shocked her. She should not react like this to seeing him, while not knowing him much.

Immediately, her anxiety was back in form of a voice whispering in the back of her mind, he was going to betray her. She had no worth for him according to the devil within her, who was her unconsciousness.

This time, nonetheless, the happiness was stronger and freed her from the paralysis of the darkness. She simply wanted to enjoy the warm feeling for a little bit longer. She could not prevent being hurt or otherwise she would never experience joy. Maybe she was hoping for more than she might ever get from this, but she would never know, if she did not give it a shot.

“You’re late.”, she stated dryly, when she reached the table. Rafael Barba’s gaze dissolved from the window and he looked at her a little puzzled. His brown eyes scanned her thoughtfully, because he did not expect such a remark of her. Catherine tilted her head and grinned contently. She liked it to confuse him, she noticed, to be unpredictable and irritate him. She did not ant to be the only one in this relation, who felt that way and it also made sure, he might not get bored of her so soon.

“Oh, am I?”, he repeated sarcastically and blinked at her like he was staring into the sun.

“Yep.”, she simply said and grinned mischievously. Barba frowned, but Catherine could not assess why exactly.

“Maybe I don’t remember quite correctly…”, Barba began and leaned back into the bench, his voice dripping from derision, but his eyes sparkled amusedly. “But I think, you were the one inviting me spontaneously. I had to rearrange my entire schedule to make it possible and that’s the thank for it?”

He sighed melodramatically and threw a gaze of pure, feigned exhaustion at her, but this time, Catherine did not allow it to make her uncertain. She would not let him win so easily, because she was aware this encounter would define their entire relation from now an and she did not want to be the shy, little girl anymore. Maybe Catherine was not equal to him in many aspects, but at least in humours she wanted to be. To be honest, tough, it was rather easy and comfortable with him as long as she ignored the demon of her anxiety. All of her fears were created by herself and made it harder for others to like her, because she was not her true self then.

Affectionally, she crossed her hands above her heart.

“Oh, this hardship.”, she fluted theatrically, her voice sweet like caramel and as gluey as such. “To reschedule saving the world just for me. I’m so flattered.”

“You should be.” A little laughter rumbled through Barba’s voice as he spoke.

“But still, it’s no excuse for making me wait.” She put her hands on her hips.

“You’re still working.”, Barba stated in his prosecutor tone and pointed at the notepad she held. Catherine sighed and raised her hands in submission.

“Okay, okay, you’re right. You got me.” She sighed and mumbled: “Just spoil the fun.”

Barba chuckled again and watched her close, his eyes gleaming through the reflection of the sun like a tourmaline. He rested his head on his hand and watched her observantly.

“I apologise for asking you here so spontaneously.” Ashamed, she scrapped her foot over the floor, her eyes lowered. Barba frowned and his face became serious again. Her new behaviour had surprised him, but it had not been unpleasant. He liked the true self of her shining through it, but it appeared like she could shred of her fear completely. Catherine bit her lips.

“No need for apologies.” He waved his hand dismissively and tried to wipe her guilt away with it. Catherine looked back up. “You left me a choice, so it was my decision, if I’m not mistaken again.”

“Mister Barba…”

“Oh, please.” He sighed heavily and looked resigned into her eyes. Catherine’s heart clenched at the feeling of guilt, which his gaze caused. What had she done wrong again? “Could you please stop calling me like this? We’re not bound to these roles anymore. I’m no longer a prosecutor and you’re not a victim anymore. It’s a new start in many matters.”

His face softened and gently, he reached his hand out to her.

“Hello, I’m Rafael. Nice to meet you, Catherine.”

Catherine stared at him and then his hand with wide eyes. She could not believe it. Was he offering, what she thought he did? After a few moments of paralysis, she blinked in confusion and starred into his shyly like a deer, which was not sure, if it was going to be attacked anytime soon. Her heart was beating furiously in her chest. It was a great step for her and Barba seemed to know, because he showed no sign of annoyance on his face. He simply held out his hand and waited for to react, just how he had done after the trial. It was hard for her to believe, but it appeared, he wanted to get to know her better. Her fingers clenched into the notepad as if it could save her, her knuckles turning white. Even her body shivered slightly. But that behaviour was ridiculous, was it not? He only offered her to use their first names. It was not like he asked her to trust her life to him, but if she honest, that was exactly, what that gesture meant to her. It was a step closer towards each other and Catherine was not sure what intention was behind it. She took in a shuddering breath and forced her body to relax. Had she not decided to not be afraid anymore? To take the risk? Why was she already backing off again? Why was the fear clenching her heart? She truly was pathetic, because her unconsciousness was already preparing her body to accept the offered hand. Although she had been cut off her desires for a long time, this was exactly, what she wanted.

“Are you sure?” She still needed a confirmation, tough. She needed to make Barba aware, that this offer meant more to her than he probably thought. Barba tilted his head and his gaze was full of determination, showing no hint of doubt or confusion. It seemed like he knew, what it meant to her.

“I wouldn’t offer it otherwise.”, he said calmly and Catherine felt bad for underestimating him. His arm must had become numb until now, but he still held it out without showing a sign of trembling, proofing to her, he was indeed serious.

His gaze made her fear and suspicion melt away piece by piece and slowly, a smile appeared on her face. After one final attempt of her anxiety, she gave in to her wish and took the hand. Barba’s, no Rafael’s, body relaxed and he smiled, when they shook hands. Catherine even chuckled a little in relief, when she also accepted the offered trust with it.

“Catherine!” Isabela’s annoyed voice appeared from the kitchen. Catherine blinked several times and then just realised again, she was still at work and her shift was not over yet.

“I’m afraid, I have to go back to work.” She pointed towards the kitchen over her shoulder. “I’ll be done in 15 minutes? Would you like something, while you wait? Tea? Coffee?”

“Coffee, please.”

“Black, I suppose?” She still remembered from the preparation of her trial, how he drank his coffee. He nodded and Catherine turned on her heels to return to the kitchen. When she was about to go to the bar to place Rafael’s offer, she was grabbed by Isabel’s unexpectedly strong hand and was pulled to the side.

“Who’s that?”, she hissed like an angry snake. Catherine frowned and had no idea, why she reacted that way.

“Rafael?”, Catherine asked confused. Isabela pulled her to the floor between dining room and kitchen, her piercing gaze nailing Catherine to the wall.

“Did you wait for him all day?” Isabela continued her questioning unwavering, her green eyes suddenly gleaming like poison. Was she angry? And why? “You weren’t able to answer my question, when I asked you, whom you’re waiting for.”

“Isabela…”, Catherine started, but she was interrupted.

“So, who is he? Your blind date?” She showed the best blink of an eye. “A bit too old for you, don’t you think? Your sugar daddy, then?”

Catherine starred at her stunned, her mouth open and slightly shaking her head. Even that suggestion was incredibly ridiculous, she could not prevent to laugh.

“Oh no.” She was still laughing and shook her dismissively. “Certainly not.”

“What then?” Isabela raised her neatly trimmed eyebrows and stared at her like a hungry eagle. Catherine felt uncomfortable, but if she learned one thing in her life, it was to cover weakness. Only with Barba…no, Rafael, it did not seem to work that well.

“We had been through a bit back in New York a few years ago.” Catherine shrugged. All she had ever told others about her past, was it had been rough In New York. Just as a precaution. She still was not entirely sure, if the triplets would not try to seek revenge from prison. “And we ran into each other on Santa Monica Pier last weekend, so we decided to meet each other.”

“You ran into each other?”, Isabela repeated, her tone showing exactly, she was not convinced at all. “In LA? Although both of you used to live in New York? How are the odds?”

“Dunno.” Catherine shrugged again- not just to show she did not care, but also trying to get rid of Isabela’s hand, which was clenching into her shoulder. A flashback was creeping upon and made the hairs in her neck stand up straight. Far too many times, she had been in a situation like this, pinned to a wall and threatened. That was exactly, what she felt right now.

“That sounds more like a stalker to me.” Something in Isabela’s tone made her stomach twist, but this time in anger, because she was allowed to be. She did not need to make sure, she would survive. She felt the anger seethed within her. Somehow, it felt empowering.

“Oh, cut it out already!”, Catherine grunted angrily, gripped Isabela’s hand tight and shrugged it off her shoulder. Her blue eyes sparkled like flashes of a thunderstorm. Catherine would not allow Isabela to talk badly of Rafael. “You’re talking bullshit, Isabela. Total bullshit.”

“Honey, I’m only concerned about you.”

“Honey?”, Catherine scoffed and crossed her arms. “I’m sorry, but I wasn’t aware, we’re that close.”

They had barely talked to each other, actually. Especially not that much to use those nicknames or concern. Catherine wondered, what her problem was and why she reacted that harshly. She narrowed her eyes and tried to find the answer between the lines or let her instinct tell it. Normally, her instinct told her, what was going on, but this time, she felt nothing. It was like question marks would fly around Isabela. Was she jealous? Did she have interest in him? What was her true concern? What the hell was her intention?

“You trust him?”

“Yes, I do.”, Catherine said without hesitation and it did not just surprised Isabela, but Catherine as well. It seemed like her unconsciousness knew more than her conscious did. Under normal circumstances, she would have said something and ducked herself out of the situation. She hated confrontations normally, but this time, she did not even think about running away, because it was not her reputation on the line. Damn, when did he become that important? On the other hand, it made her feel powerful. She put her notepad back on the counter and walk past her. “Now, excuse me, but my shift is over. I’m going home.”

With these words, she stomped out of the back area of the café. Barba looked at her, when he heard her coming back. He frowned, when he saw no coffee on a tablet and how she fumed with rage. Catherine was glad, he did not say a word. Instead he stood up and watched her with concern.

“Do you mind going somewhere else?”, she asked, her voice shaking from supressed anger.

“No.”

Rafael watched her closely, while she almost ran out of the café. It felt like she was running away and was uncertain, if she would ever return. Rafael was not sure, what happened, but he probably should not leave her alone, now. He followed Catherine into the new evening. They were greeted by a soft, warm summer breeze. Catherine already leaned against the pier wall, her fingers clenched into the raw brick stones, her body shivering from anger, but she took several deep breaths, trying to calm herself down. Barba stepped next to her and watched the ocean silently with her. Catherine growled under her breath and her entire body was tensed. At this rate, her fingertips would soon bleed. Actually, her state concerned him. He had never seen her like this. He was not that dumb to think, he would know her true self- that was something he wanted to change-, but she did not seem like the type for fury.

“Hey, Catherine.”, he said after a while. Catherine blinked as if she was not sure, someone said her name. She turned to him and he looked at her concerned. “What happened?”

“Not here…”, she aspirated tiredly and all the tension disappeared. “Can we go somewhere else…Rafael?” I

His name still felt thick and unused on her tongue, but somehow, well.

“I can’t stay here any longer. There is something raging inside me and I believe, I run amok, if we stay here. I’ll explain, elsewhere.”

“Of course. What do you suggest?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first step is done. Let's see, if Catherine and Rafael are able to keep the pace. :)
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Have a nice weekend, you all. Thanks for reading :)


	7. Crossroad to friendship or doom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catherine is still upset by what Isabela said to her and Rafael thinks, it is time to give her some trust to help her.

“Do you want to talk about, what happened in the café?”, Rafael asked Catherine, while putting his water glass down. Catherine had chosen the Bistro Barbette on the Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood, forty minutes away from the Pier. During the entire drive, Catherine had stared out of the window, saying not a single word. Rafael had been able to see her supressed anger and did not want to pressure her into talking about it. It would have only made her shy away. He actually believed, she had needed it to calm down. Whatever happened, when she left to get his coffee, must have unsettled her. He had never seen her out of her mind like this. Normally, she was able to control her emotions, she had needed to, but not right now and Rafael wanted to help her. He was aware that he had overtaken a great responsibility for her, when he offered her his first name. She allowed himself to come a bit closer, she trusted him enough to do so, although she was so afraid to be hurt. Rafael knew, she felt torn between her logical mind warning her to trust and her heart longing for it. It was a fragile state, which could break any minute and due to the tiniest of actions. He needed to be careful, but he wanted that she was able to find her way back to life and not being chained to the past any longer.

Catherine finally looked at him cautiously, her eyes showing a silent question Rafael was not able to understand. After some more moments of internal struggle, she sighed, dissolving her gaze from him and combed her fingers through her hair.

“To be honest, not really, but I know, you’re stubborn and won’t stop until I tell you, right?” Barba smiled untouched, resting his head on his hands. His eyes sparkled in amusement and Catherine seemed to be surprised by it. Likely, she had expected him to feel offended, but why should he? She was not wrong about it.

“A lot of people say, I tend to be.” He smiled and shrugged. Catherine looked back up and tilted her head, the inexpressible question still lingering in her eyes. “So, what’s the question, you keep asking yourself?”

“You…”, she said surprised, but stopped right in the sentence only to breath out heavily. A little smile tugged around the corners of her lips, almost as if she was glad, he was able to understand her. On the other hand, there was something uncertain lingering in it, her eyes wandering around, looking for the right words. Barba frowned and tilted his head again. What kind of question could it be, that made her even more cautious? Why did it feel like another step back? He had been so surprised, when she had joked around with him or when she accepted his offer for using their first names. Actually, if he was truly honest with himself, it made him happy deep inside him that she was able to trust him that much. But right now, she was back too her old self. She was trying to do the same step again, but it seemed like she was struggling. Rafael was not completely sure, what he could do to help her. He wished, he could simply take the burden of the past away, but he lived long enough to know, that this not possible, even with a past not as dramatic as hers. It would always define the humans and keep their claws in everyone.

“Catherine…”, he whispered softly, trying to convince her, he did not want to harm her. She blinked and Rafael noticed, she often did, when he addressed her. Was he able to pull her out of her thoughts like that?

“What do you expect from this?”, she suddenly blurted out and to say Rafael was confused, was an understatement. He waved the waiter away, who wanted to approach them and stared at Catherine instead. Catherine looked at him expectantly, not even blinking for a second. For her, the meaning of the question seemed to be obvious, but for Rafael, it was not. He frowned and try to understand the meaning of it, but he was not able to get it.

“What do you mean?” Catherine clicked her tongues and framed the scenery and the space between her and him as if it would make it any clearer.

“What is _this_ supposed to be?” She made an undefined gesture with her hand.

“I’m normally quite quick in catching up, but I don’t get it. What do you want to know?” A frustrated groan escaped Catherine and she buried her head protectively in her arms, before taking a deep breath and looking back up again.

“What purpose do I have for you?”

“I…” Rafael’s words trailed off and disappeared into the relaxed atmosphere of the well-filled bistro. “Purpose?”

“Yes, purpose.” Catherine became impatient, her fingers drumming on the table, the cutlery clinging in a bright tone. “What’s this going to be? Am I your personal tourist guide or what?”

Rafael did not miss the hidden aggressivity in her tone and the mix of anger and fear clouding her bright blue eyes. He sighed. Just then he realised, it would always be like that. One step forward, taking two steps back. Catherine would become afraid of every step, she allowed herself to make towards him, so she rather jumped even one more back than before to protect her. Whatever it was, what he wanted from her, it would take time to get it. Rafael started to wonder, if he had so much patience. He was willing to, but did he have it? He was not known for being the most patient man. He also realised, how much damage it would cause to her, if he did not have enough patience in the future. Probably, Catherine had known that right from the start and that was the reason, why she still was that cautious. Her eyes followed every movement and assessed every word of his carefully as if she was a prey animal watching the predator and waiting for his attack. Was that, what he still was for her? A predator, who just happen to be not as dangerous as the others? Rafael did not like, how his heart clenched at this thought. Her comfort at the Pier had meant something to him. Although it was clouded by the crimes committed to her, she still was empathetic and it seemed like Rafael wished for something like that. Just like Catherine, he wanted someone, with whom he was able to take off his mask. He trusted her and he was rather surprised by it himself, but he knew, she would not judge him. Whatever he might have done, Catherine had seen worse and darker places of the world. It would not surprise her or scare her. It seemed like he had to decide now, how important she was going to become or she would not be able to trust him. She needed to be sure, that he was serious of her, otherwise she would never able to let her walls crumble. Was Rafael willing to overtake this responsibility? He could never forgive himself, if he would cause more pain to her.

He blinked and frowned. Could it be, that this thought contained the answer? For a moment, his eyes lingered at the other guests, without really seeing them. They were chatting with each other, enjoying little, mostly unimportant conversations, but for Rafael, it felt like they were standing on a crossroad and he had no idea, which direction to take.

“Rafael…” Now, it was her voice tearing through his thoughts. It was shivering. He could almost hear her fast beating heart of fear in it, but there was also a plea in it. He turned his gaze back to her and he saw the tears in her eyes, her teeth biting into her bottom lip. For whatever reason, the urge of protecting her raised in his chest and he looked into her eyes.

“I don’t know, how to answer this question exactly.”, he answered honestly. Immediately, he saw disappointment and inner punishing for hoping in her eyes. He sighed. A great responsibility indeed.

“That says it all.”, she whispered with lowered head. She tried everything to hide her disappointment, but she failed miserably. “I don’t blame you.”

Catherine looked back up and smiled bravely, although it quivered dangerously.

“I wouldn’t want that responsibility either, if I were in your place.” She laughed hollowly and shook her head, the tears flying out of the corners of her eyes.  “I mean, I wasn’t able to understand, why you’d be interested in me. You’ve only seen the worst of me. Nothing of it had been likeable. “

Rafael felt hurt by those harsh words, Catherine had for herself.

“Now, you’re underestimating the both of us.”, he said without noticing it himself. Rafael was rather surprised, when he heard those words leaving his mouth. Catherine blinked and searched for his dark eyes again. “Your denying yourself the good qualities, you clearly showed and me the ability of recognising them.”

“Which good qualities?”, she spitted out, her hand clenching into a fist. She was clearly disgusted by the picture she had showed in her own opinion. “I was fragile and weak. All I did was crying and clenching onto you, like you could save my life. You must have been so annoyed.”

Suddenly, her façade crumbled again and the shy woman appeared- the real her and not her self-protection. The person desperately searching for someone supporting her, because she could not figure it out by herself. Rafael smiled encouragingly and listened to his intuition once, something he rarely did. He reached forwards and covered her hand with his. Catherine startled, her eyes blowing wide as she stared at him, but it seemed like it was something she needed.

“No, I wasn’t.”, Rafael dismissed casually and patted her hand gently. “I was and am impressed by how sane you still are, after everything done to you. It shows, how strong you are.”

“I’m not strong.” She denied the quality from her. “I’m broken and damaged.”

“Believe me, you’re not. Maybe a little bruised, but it will heal.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because I’ve seen victims, who were broken. You’re far from it.” Catherine looked at him sceptically, but something within him said, she actually wanted to hear it from somebody else, because she could not believe it herself.

“Rafael…” He still smiled at her. Maybe she needed a bit more reassuring.

“Maybe, your cognition is too clouded from the trauma to remember the good sides you showed.” He leaned back into his chair, crossing his legs elegantly. Catherine frowned and could likely not think of one. “Do you think, I haven’t noticed, how kind you are? Even after all that was done to you, after all I pushed you through, you still worried about me and apologised for leaning on me.”

“What?”

“You showed, how empathetic you are, when you helped Marianne getting through all of this. You gave her strength, when she needed it or comforted her, when she was overflooded by her memories. I saw, how brave you were in court. Buchanan was at his best, but you never faltered. You stood up against those scumbags.” He took his glass of water, emptied it and then refilled both of their glasses. “I was actually glad to see, how life returned to your eyes, when we met again. I even expected you to be intelligent and to have wits back then, but you have just proven it. To be honest, I have no idea, how I would be, if had to go through all this in your place. So, when exactly did you only show the worst of you?”

“Rafael...”

“I don’t know, what this is going to turn into. That’s, why I asked you to show me around. To find it out.”

“Has something like this ever happened?”, she asked.

“What exactly?”

“A prosecutor and a victim becoming friends?” There was a shimmer of hope glistening in the blue oceans of her eyes. Was that, what she wished for? That they would become friends?

“I don’t know. Maybe not.” Barba shrugged and he immediately saw the light dying in her eyes. “But what does it matter? We’re both neither anymore. I’m not a prosecutor and you’re not a victim anymore.”

Catherine blinked and looked up at him. She wanted to say something, but their waiter appeared to be rather impatient now. He was around thirty with Italian ancestors and grass green eyes. Wordless, he handed them the menu, which was covered in a red leather imitate.

“Thank you.”, Rafael said unimpressed by the obvious provocation. The waiter nodded and left. Catherine opened the menu and looked through it. It was home cooking with a nice, little, modern twist, but she hesitated, when she saw they prices. They were not too expensive for the area of Hollywood, but Catherine expected it to be a bit cheaper, because some of the other students go here regularly. Barba looked her closely and noticed, how she hesitated. “No worry, Catherine. Order, what you like. You’re invited.”

“You know, I don’t want that.”

“I haven’t forgotten that conversation, but I asked you to show me around, so of course, I’m going to pay.”

“But…”

“I’m not going to discuss on this.”, Rafael said determined and his gaze became hard. Catherine assessed him for a while, but her good knowledge of humans told her, that there would be no winning in it. She sighed and gave in. Barba smiled. The waiter came back and both of them placed their orders. Barba ordered a red wine to his steak, while Catherine wanted a coke with her chicken.

“So…”, Rafael continued, when the waiter was gone. “What happened in the kitchen that made you so upset, you needed to leave immediately and not talking to me for forty minutes?”

Catherine hesitated, then lowered her head and sighed.

“It’s rather dumb.”

“I don’t believe you to be a person, who gets upset by something dumb.”, he dismissed.

“It actually was and totally embarrassing, to be honest.”

“Catherine.”

“Okay, okay.” She raised her hands in defeat. “Just don’t laugh at me.”

“I would never do that.” He frowned in confusion. Catherine seemed not entirely convinced in the way she stared at him, but in the end, she sighed and nodded to Rafael’s surprise.

“I watched the clock during my entire shift, wondering, if you show up.” It seemed like he had been right. She longed for someone being kind to her, after every human interaction for the past years had been cruel and filled with bad intentions. Just a glimmer of hope was awakening this silent, well supressed wish within her. “It didn’t stay unnoticed from my co-worker Isabela. She asked me grinningly for whom I was waiting. In this moment, I realised, I had no answer. For whom was I waiting? It was too early to say a friend and every other word was too weak to explain my nervousness. To be honest, this simple question made me realise, how much importance I put into it. Too much to burden a single person with it.”

“Catherine…”

“Such expectation could only lead to disappointment. I couldn’t load such a big responsibility on someone. No one would be willing to and I couldn’t blame them and that made me mad. I just learned being independent and free, just to willingly throw it away and focus everything on one person. That wasn’t healthy and I remembered, what I thought, when I left New York. That I was toxic for everyone around and nothing positive could grow out of it. I needed to get it out of me, before I could possibly be good for someone else.”

He did not expect to hear those dark thoughts or how much a tiny gesture meant for her. It surprised him, how mature and self-reflecting she was. Her kindness was showing through it. Catherine was willing to push her own wish away to make sure not to hurt somebody else in. Maybe, it was self-protection as well, but Rafael was sure the intention laid in her gentle nature. Others would always stand first with her and although she had been through hell and had more right to think of herself than others, she was not willing to. If this was not showing her good side, Rafael had no idea, what else. Her trust in him made him feel…what exactly did it make him feel? Happy? Proud? Rafael was not able to actually name the emotion, but those two adjectives were the most fitting ones.

“Sometimes, it’s fine being selfish.”, he said softly. Catherine looked at him disbelievingly and raised an eyebrow.

“Maybe…but it wasn’t in my nature beforehand and especially not after this.” She shrugged, but he saw the sadness in her eyes. “And I wasn’t sure, if…”

She stopped, lowering her eyes in shame.

“I thought bad of you, I’m sorry. I just couldn’t imagine someone caring enough to be willing to endure this.”

“Especially not me…” Barba laughed. “I should definitely work on my image, if I appear that heartless.”

“Rafael, I’m sorry.”, she said quietly. Her tone begged him not to be mad with her. Catherine was afraid, she would have lost the tiniest bit of appreciation, she had just gained. Rafael exhaled and smiled. Had he not said, he was not offended so easily?

“It’s fine.” With an undefined gesture of his hand, he wiped her sorrows away. “Do you want to tell the rest of the story?”

“There isn’t much left to tell about it.” Catherine continued, while she looked over the guest room. She stayed silent for a few moments, but she sighed in defeat, probably deciding she had opened up so much that that rest would not make any difference. For her, there was no turning back anymore. “Isabela asked me, if you were my date and if you aren’t a bit too old. She asked, why I haven’t answered her question before than and then concluded you are my sugar daddy.”

“Oh really?” Rafael raised an eyebrow. “That poor girls world view is upsettingly narrowed.”

That statement surprised Catherine. She blinked and turned her gaze back to him.

“I laughed at her, actually. It was so ridiculous, but she refused to let it go. She literally pushed me to the wall.”

“Oh.” He knew, what that meant for her.

“I became far angrier than appropriated.” Catherine drank from her water and held onto the glass afterwards. “What showed me again, how much it meant for me. I was so frustrated by myself and then, the anger consumed me. For the first time since my captivity, I didn’t need to deescalate the situation in order to survive. So, I let it out on her. At the same time, I discovered a side of me, I haven’t known. A feeling of power and darkness rushed through me. It was so enthralling, addicting and those emotions scared me to the bones. So, I ran away from these feelings. Isn’t it more likely that a victim committed the same crime done to her?”

She laughed harshly, which sounded more like a bark of an old dog.

“You’re far from that, Catherine.”, Barba replied without hesitation.

“I’m not so sure anymore.”, she admitted. “For the first time, I could understand my rapist a little. How empowering and alluring it is to control someone.”

Rafael shook his head. How could he end this? How could he help her? What have those bastards done to her, that she feared becoming like them after some understandable, dark thoughts? How could he make her understand this did not make her a bad person? How could he take this fear away?

Just when he was about to open his mouth, trying to say some words as comforting as those she had given to him, the waiter came back with their meals. It smelled deliciously. The aroma of fried meat was lingering in the air. Catherine starred at it hungrily. Rafael realised, Catherine likely had not eaten since breakfast.

“Enjoy our meal.” She smiled uncertainly, the darkness of her thoughts still dulling her irises. Rafael decided not to say anything for a while. Maybe something in her stomach would ease her mind a little. Hunger often leaded to overreaction. Maybe it prevented her to see clear, but if he was honest, he doubted that. He furrowed his forehead and watched her, how she ate piece after piece of her chicken. A strange feeling came up within him. It was the same urge to protect her than, when she clanged onto him on the first evening. All he wanted to do was to chase the darkness away, although he knew, it would never be possible. Complete freedom was unachievable for her. The easiness of life she was supposed to be feeling right now, was out of reach. Never again in her life she would get her innocence back. The memories would always hide in the shadows in the depth of her souls, waiting for a chance to come back to the surface and overtake her and she knew it, she awaited it, always expecting the storm of fear washing the situation away, blinding her to the light of life. No easiness for her anymore.

“You know…”, he started slowly and Catherine stopped eating her dinner. She looked up and tilted her head. “I thought about, what you said to me one the Pier and today. You’re right, I know every fact of your life and you know nothing of me. Still, I expect you to decide whether to trust me or not. It’s an unfair imbalance and I think, we should change that.”

“Rafael.” Catherine looked at him in surprise. He smiled slightly, but this time, it was his, which flickered. He thought about it for quite a while and came to the conclusion, he had to give her something to gain her trust. He could not expect her to make a step, when he did not move as well. Especially not after what had been done to her. Trust was a general difficulty for her and if he tried to see the situation out of her eyes, he was rather surprised, how much she had already given to him.

“I grew up in the Bronx. My parents worked day and night, but the money was never enough. Our flat was a shoe carton.” He laughed, but it showed no joy. Catherine frowned and leaned a bit closer, but then her eyes ignited with cognition. Rafael sighed and avoided her gaze. It was not the first time he talked about his past, but it was normally just little pieces of information, when the situation fitted. It was never the entire story, but maybe it would help her see that he could understand her a little. It was still hard, tough, he was not used to show his own vulnerability. “The relation to my father was difficult to say the least. He was very strict. Probably wanted me to have a better life than them, but he took the wrong way to achieve it.”

Rafael had no idea, why he could not say it aloud. Where did his brave go? Well, he had never been very open about it and hid it all behind sarcasm. In the Bronx, it was one of the two ways to survive- be stronger than anyone else or outsmart them.

“He beat you up.”, Catherine said casually, but her blue eyes pierced through him, watching every little reaction on his face. Barba looked at her in surprise, but then sighed and nodded sadly. With this admission, Catherine’s face expression softened. It seemed like the distance between them slowly grew smaller. For her, he was only his role, he was only the prosecutor, but every aspect he told about himself, she slowly got to know the person. “Tell me, Rafael. Who did you want to spare? You or me?”

“What do you mean?”, he asked confused.

“Why didn’t you say it? Was it to spare me? Or weren’t able to say it, because it would make it real?”  Catherine rested her fork on the plate, although most of her dish was not eaten yet. It seemed like she was not willing to let it go. It was one of the things, he had been impressed by. How easy it was for her to look behind his mask. Maybe, it was something, he needed to improve and find a way to reconnect with the emotions buried deep inside of him.

“Me, I guess.”, he admitted quietly, while looking at the white tablecloth. “I never said it. Everyone understood my ominous description.”

“Say it.”, she invited him. Rafael blinked and looked up at her. He had awaited an unmoved gaze, but her blue irises were smooth as the surface of a lake.

“What?”

“Say it out loud, Rafael. Believe me, it’s gonna loose its terror and power, when you say those words.”

“Catherine…”

 “Come on, dare to. I think, you ran away for long enough. And wasn’t the purpose of this giving me a bit of trust?” Maybe, he thought for himself, they could be friends. It seemed like they were complementing each other. She had everything, he was lacking of. Smart, empathetic woman. She really got him, when she unknowingly used his own words against him. He had no choice. If he wanted them to get to know each other better, he needed to say it. He sighed in defeat.

“He didn’t just beat me up.” His voice turned dark, when he said it, but Catherine had been right. It felt like a knot in his stomach eased after years of balling up inside and Catherine was empathetic enough not to interrupt him. Something, he was glad about and increased his sympathy for her. “My mother as well and I hated him for it.”

“Rafael.”

“I tried to spend as much time away from home as I possibly could. Hang out in the street most of the time.” His voice and his words came from a place far away. He did not know himself, where it came from or how to stop it. “Always up for trouble with my two friends. It broke my mother’s heart. I left her alone with all of it, while I was busy playing the three musketeers of the Bronx.”

“You were a child, Rafael.”

“It doesn’t prevent that I’m feeling guilty.”

“I know.” This time, she smiled reassuringly and her eyes were soft from kindness. “I always asked myself, what I’ve done wrong that my parents didn’t feel the urge to spend time with me or to look for me, when I was missing for ten years.”

A dust of sadness covered her face, but she caught herself quickly and chased it away. Rafael knew, she did not want him to say anything else to it. It was his time and not hers.

“Do you know, why I wanted to become a lawyer? I was the brain of us and my friend, Alex Muñoz, had the rhetoric.”

“Muñoz? Wasn’t he a candidate for being Mayor of New York four years ago? Who had been charged for corruption?”

“Exactly.”

“Oh…”, she exclaimed, but did not ask any further. She knew that was a confession for another time. “Why did you want to become a lawyer?”

“My mother said, I should stay close to Alex, because he would be mayor one day. She never said that about me.”

Why was he not able to hide the disappointment in his voice? Those words had haunted him for such a long time and they never lost any of their pain. Every time he thought about it, it felt like a sting in his heart.

“And you wanted to prove, you could be someone equally important.” He nodded.

“I got a scholarship for Harvard and started my career. It took quite a long time to get the Bronx out of me.”

“I think, it isn’t completely gone. It sometimes shines through.” She smiled, but then she became serious again. None of them cared for their dinner anymore. In this very moment, both of them had decided to leave their roles at the front door. Although no one of them would admit it at this point, they had decided to become friends. The amount of trust they granted each other was too much for them to turn back. “What happened with your father?”

“Why do you think something happened?”

“A clever and wise man once told me, no word is chosen without a purpose and we have to pay close attention to them. I took this advice to heart.” Rafael chuckled, because he had said it to her, when they practised the cross examination. “You said, you hated him for it. Simple past. So, either you’ve made up, what I doubt, because you sounded too angry and hurt for it, or he died.”

“You’re really clever, Catherine.” He needed to give her credit for it. He stared at his glass of wine for a while, then swallowed everything at once. Catherine raised an eyebrow at his behaviour.

“You needed that long to get it? I got a scholarship to study Biology in New York. I thought that was quite obvious.” She feigned to feel offended, but then chuckled softly. Rafael exhaled, but a weak smile flickered around his mouth.

“He fell into a diabetic coma twenty years ago. The doctors said, he would never wake up again. They asked of us, if they should turn off the life support. I denied it.”

“And you didn’t do it, because you hoped, he would wake up. You denied it, because you could punish him with it.” Rafael hated to admit, she was right and he also hated, how effortlessly, she saw through him. There were not many people out there, who could. “You felt hatred and pain and you thought, you could do a bit to him, what he had done to your mother and you. But sometimes, we change our mind over the time and now, you feel guilty. That’s the reason, you did this to Drew, because you weren’t ready to show mercy for your father. It wasn’t just to end Drew’s pain. You projected your father into him and therefore were able to show mercy to him.”

“Please, stop.”, he whispered painfully, tears thickening his voice. Rafael knew that every word and every formulation contained a deeper meaning, but he would have never expected her to see so many truths in such little explanation. No one had been able to understand the reasons behind his action with Drew, although they all had the same amount of information. No one of his friends had seen the connection to his past, but she likely did, because of what she had experienced. It had altered her perception and made her see another surface of hidden meaning. Another strand in the mesh of reality. Everyone tried to hide the strand that could make their own, personal mesh crumble. Catherine had been able to find his, tough, if he was honest, he had not known his own critical strand and therefore, he had not been able to hide it. He had offered a weak spot only she had been able to find.

Catherine met his eyes and noticed his tears, which were cause by feeling vulnerable. She granted him his wish. Rafael swallowed and suddenly, his throat felt tight. He hated the emotions boiling inside his stomach. Showing the weak side was something he was not used to and he did not know how to handle it. It was something, he had never learned.

“Rafael.”, she said softly to gain his attention. He blinked the tears out of hr eyes and looked up. “Being vulnerable isn’t a weakness, tough I know, it might be hard for you to believe that. Maybe that’s something, I can offer.”

“Offer?” Rafael frowned in confusion. “What do you mean with it?”

“Most people don’t want to see it, but every relation is a trade. Each person gets and gives something. Understanding, strength, compassion, loyalty, to name a few. I always wondered, what you could possibly get out of a relation with me, that be equal to what I would take out of it. I saw nothing, I could possibly give you that would compensate all the trouble a relation with me would cause.” Just like her eyes sometimes, her voice and words sounded too old for her. It was like her pain had granted her a wisdom most people would never achieve. Once again, she saw another layer and every argument of her made sense. Something, he had not thought about.

“And now, you believe to have found an answer to that question?”, Rafael mused and Catherine nodded. “What answer have you found?”

“Helping you to understand, that it isn’t a weakness. Through my captivity, I gained great empathy, because it ensured my survival. It might be able to help you to reconnect with your emotions and work some things out.”

“I don’t want you to use something, you gained through your martyrium. It would only hurt you.”

“No.” She shook her head. “It would give it something positive.”

“You’ll get it for free next to the personal tour around. What do you think? Do we have a deal?” Her eyes looked at him and this time, she offered him her hand. It seemed like she became more confident, since she had found a purpose for her in this constellation. Rafael hesitated for a while. This time, it was his to decide, if he trusted her enough for this. But their conversation only showed, how well he reacted to her, did it not? Her way seemed to fit well with him. He sighed, but then smiled and shook her hand.

“You really should have become a lawyer. I agree.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it took longer than normally, but I was/am quite insecure about this chapter. What do you think of it?
> 
> Anyway, I wish you all a great Saturday. See you soon :)
> 
> greetings, subaru


	8. The point of no return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Past the point of no return  
> No backward glances  
> The games we've played till now are at an end  
> Past all thought of if or when  
> No use resisting  
> Abandon thought and let the dream descend
> 
> \- Phantom of the Opera

The bus was full of people, who were all busy keeping their bags close and stubbornly watching the glowing screens of their smartphones with stylish headphones in their ears, trying to fool their followers about how awesome their lives were. No one cared for reality anymore or to look behind the masks- either the real or digital ones. No one in this tiny space had an eye for the others around. Every one tried to run away, fleeing into their own world. No wonder the civilians in the latest Marvel movies did not notice, how Ant-Man slid past them, while trying to stop a truck. It seemed like true caring had become a rarity. No one paid attention to their surrounding anymore. Catherine did. She stood pressed against the cold metal, surrounded by bodies invading her personal space, elbowing her, stepping on her feet and again, no one noticed. The headphones in her ear were just a cover. She never listened to music, while riding public conveyance and she never looked at her smartphone. It would have made her uneasy. Although it was overreacted at this point, she always needed to be aware of her surroundings, otherwise she would feel anxious.

The summer slowly started to awake. The few trees in LA started to turn green and the animals all got excited. The inhabitants of the City of Angels ached for being outside in the sun, after a cold winter- well, cold according to them. The beaches and the Santa Monica Pier were overflooded by people, desperate to show their bikini body. Catherine had never been able to understand, how they could care for such insignificant things. How lucky they must be, if their only worry was, if their body was in the shape of an hourglass or if the six-pack shone through. She was aware, it was common in the US and especially in this city, but she could not care about it. She had way stronger demons to face.

Catherine sighed and looked out of the window, when the bus drove over the Pacific Coast Highway. The ocean glistened peacefully in the sun, its reflection breaking on the surface and making it shine like diamonds. Seagulls were hovering over it, using the uplift from the land, looking for some fish or hot dogs to steal. She had always loved the wideness of the ocean. For her, it was something calming to stare into this endless blue in all its shades. A month had passed, since she had become Rafael’s personal tourist guide and by now, they had wrapped up the typical tourists spots. They had visited Hollywood with all of its celebration of itself. They had leaned against a corner on the Rodeo Drive and commented on the tourists and wanna-be stars, the foolish women in their way too short skirts and way too high high-heels, who stalked across the pavement. They had gone up to the Hollywood sign or had walked along the Hollywood Boulevard, while impersonating or parodying every celebrity they knew. Catherine had enjoyed that afternoon. Actually, more than that. She had been excited to show everything to him, although he already knew it, but Barba had played along. She remembered, how she had walked backwards over the red stars in the pavement, trying to balance over them with her arms spread wide open, a bright grin all over her face, while she held a monologue every superhero would be proud of, why Benedict Cumberbatch deserved an Oscar.

In the three years after her trial, Catherine had found her own escape in fantastic stories, that offered her an alternate world. Worlds, which had the same shade as her reality, but friends stayed together and never gave up on each other. It was something, she had hoped for, but had not been able to find yet. It was an escape of reality to another dimension, which she could relate to, but offered a salvation for her own shadows. So there had been no other way around then her becoming a geek. She was enthralled by the stories of Marvel and its cinematic universe, animes, Harry Potter and all those other series like BBC Sherlock, Supernatural or Doctor Who. They made her forget her own sad past for a while.

Rafael had endured her childish enthusiasm with a smile, although Catherine had not missed the little flicker of annoyance. Still, he had not taken it away from her, because he understood, how relieving it was for her to tell someone about it. All the other conversations she had had before, had been either shallow or about her past. He had understood and acted like he was interested. Catherine had known, it had not been real, but she had not been willing to care for once. Rafael had told her to be selfish at times and she had felt freer than she had been for a long time. It simply had been a day full of joy. They had been relaxed around each other, none of them showing a trace of insecurity. They had not been willing to give these naggings doubts any space for now. There had been too much left to be figured out after their conversation in the Barbette. Until they had done so, they unconsciously decided to stay shallow as well. It would not last forever. They both knew that. Soon, they needed to answer the question, what they were. Hanging in the air was not a status both of them could keep. They were too logical for it. It needed a name so they would be able to understand it, otherwise they would never been able to get rid of insecurities.

The other meet-ups had been the same key. They had visited Santa Monica Pier again, eating ice cream and enjoying the sun and watched the sunset from the Mulholland Drive with a spectacular view over the city. Catherine had used the superior position to give Rafael a rough overview of the city. They also had visited some museums. The days beforehand proven, they had been speaking the same language in humour, but this one had proven, how intelligent both were. Rafael had gained an incredible knowledge of art, while he had been a member of the high-society and he gladly let Catherine participate, who had been an eager listener. While Rafael almost had been able to overtake the role of the museum guide, Catherine had showed, she was able to get the entwined emotions in the paintings. Not just once, her scarred soul said wisdoms, she should not have known by now, her eyes covered by a sadness, but Rafael had known, how to ease the situation with a joke that made her laugh.

The last time had been a breakfast in the Commissary Café in The Line Hotel. Both of them had been busy that week and had not been able to find one evening, when both of them had time, so Catherine had suggested, they could meet each other for breakfast, before going to work. Previously, she had not been able to understand, why a lot of people met before work for breakfast. It only meant getting up earlier and more stress, but this Monday morning had made her understood. The Commissary was a café within a greenhouse. They had been surrounded by plants, while they sat on comfortable, wooden furniture and enjoyed coffee and freshly made omelettes, the ingredients coming from the greenhouse they were sitting. It had been very relaxing to sit together with him and to chat about nothingness.

Today, tough, had the potential to strike a more serious note again, but not because of the goal, she had chosen. Catherine was on her way to the self-realization fellowship lake shrine in the pacific palisades, north from Santa Monica. It had been founded and dedicated by Paramahansa Yogananda, on August 20, 1950. It was owned by the Self-Realization Fellowship and contained around ten acres. It was supposed to be a park of relaxation with a beautiful lake in its centre. Catherine had never been there before, but she had heard it was a beautiful place to escape stress and both of them needed it.  The park was still rather unknown, although it was just a twenty minutes’ drive, but the connection with public conveyance was a mess and she needed almost two hours. But picking her up, would have been a big diversion for Rafael, so she was fine with it. Instead, she was pressing herself in this bus like a sardine in the tin on this Saturday afternoon. At least, it was not far anymore and she could get out of here. She really did not like human masses. She often felt like she was flooded away by those.

~*~

Twenty minutes later, she arrived at the entrance and jumped out of the bus, which was almost completely empty by now. Most had left at the Station for Santa Monica to go to the beach and Catherine swore to herself never to use a bus again, when there was supposed to be good surfing weather. Who the hell was taking their surfboards with them in a bus? Everyone, it seemed. Quite a few times, she had been close to be hit by one.

She took in a deep breath, while she walked down the Sunset Boulevard towards an insignificant house, which was the entrance to the area. From afar, she could see the white tower of the temple peeking through the green carpet of trees. On google maps, the tower with its red roof looked a little like Sauron’s eye from Lord of the Ring’s watching her closely. Catherine chuckled at this comparison and stretched her arms, after being limited in her movements for such a long time.

Rafael had arrived before her, she saw him as soon as she stepped onto the parking space, though, she almost did not recognise him. Rafael stood with his back towards her, looking at the entrance building, his dark hair gleaming in the sun, but what threw her off for a moment, was his clothing. Not once, she had seen Rafael in something else than one of his overly expensive and well-made three-piece suits. This time was different. He was dressed casually, just wearing a blue stoned denim jean and a white shirt, probably made of linen to compensate the heat.

“Hi, Rafael.”, she said loudly, while raising her hand, waving at him. Rafael turned around and looked at her. Just a few ago, she would never be that happy to see some smile at her.

“Hello, Catherine.” They hugged briefly as a greeting, Catherine resting her head a moment longer than appropriated against his shoulder and then dissolved, both staring in awe at the huge trees, which were silently dancing in the wind.

“I almost didn’t recognise you in this casual look.” She grinned. Rafael turned his head to her and raised an eyebrow, while he watched her from head to toe.

“And I you, wearing the traditional LA uniform.” He meant shorts and a spaghetti top. Catherine was not fond of wearing short clothes. Normally, she wore no tops and her trousers needed to cover at least half of her upper thigh. Otherwise, it took ages to cover up all those scars perfectly. Rafael seemed surprises, that she did not cover them this time. His eyes lingered longer on all those dark pink, silver and dark brown lines on her tanned skin that left a horrified pattern on her. There was almost no part of her skin untouched. She even had her hair pinned up, revealing the taser scar to those, who knew about it. Catherine was sure, Barba understood the sign of trust offered with this. It was a symbol he gave her enough confidence to ignore all those shocked gazes thrown at her. The other reason was, she would have needed an hour to cover them and the make up would have been washed away from her sweat anyway. So, there was no reason to bother with it.

“It’s summer, if you haven’t noticed. It’s hot.” Exaggeratedly, she fanned air with her hand to her face. It was just to underline her statement, because the air was not any colder. “I’ve wondered for quite a while, how you’re able to wear long clothes in this heat. Are you secretly a frost giant from Jotunheim and you’re resistant to warmth?”

“Oh please, not another MCU reference.”, Rafael groaned and rolled his eyes. Catherine grinned proudly, because she obviously told him enough to make him realise, it was an MCU reference. “If this goes on, I have to watch all the movies to be able to understand you, Catherine.”

“There are worse things, you could do.”, Catherine chuckled.

“I’m not so sure about it.”, he replied and threw a suspicious gaze at her. “Shall we go?”

Catherine nodded and both of them walked into the park. Just when they turned right from the sandstone covered entrance square, a wide lake opened up to them with a deep blue surface. Some sea roses swam lazily around and a swan couple cleaned each other’s plumage. Catherine stopped for a moment and breathed in the fresh air and allowed the slightly cooler breeze to dance through her brown curls.  Rafael stood beside her with a fond smile.

“It was a good idea to come here.”, he admitted, while he closed his eyes.

“Thought so. You told me, how much stressed you had with this fusion and I had worked a lot this week. I thought, we both deserved a time out. I don’t know, how it is for you, but I always find peace in the nature. And in forest the most. It feels like time is going by slower in here.”

Rafael only nodded without saying a word. Catherine knew, he was used to stress, but she had actually been worried, when she got texts from him at 2 am, the content and tone indicating he was still at work. She also did not miss the dark circles under his eyes that even his skin tone could not conceal. Catherine had thought, he might need a break.

“Thank you.” She almost missed the whisper. Rafael still had problem thanking for other things than casualties. His thank you was referred to her her concern about him.

“You’re welcome. Come on, let’s go for a walk.”

~*~

“Why are you holding onto your shoulder bag as if your life depends on it?”, Rafael asked after they had walked around the lake for an hour or so, talking about everything and nothing. Catherine looked at the shoulder bag with the logo of her university on it. Of course, he had noticed. Catherine condemned Rafael’s observation skills. She had noticed, how he had watched her close, since they started to meet each other. Well, she could not blame him, she did the same. Unconsciously, her hand slid over the plastic surface. She sighed, took two bottles of lemonade out of her bag and offered one to Rafael. He took it, but his gaze told her, he would not let it go.

“Of course, you noticed.”, she sighed and scratched her neck nervously. “Well, it kinda does.”

“Catherine?”, he asked concerned.

“Giving us a break was only one reason, why I suggested to come here.” Her eyes wandered to the lake, watching, how the swans swam.

“What was the other?” Rafael stilted his head, although she was not looking at him.

“I needed to go somewhere not so public and my flat is way too small to invite you over.”

“And for what?” His dark eyes watched her curiously. Catherine was normally not a woman of ominous words. He opened his bottle and drank a bit of the citron lemonade, the carbon acid dancing a tango on his tongue. It made no sense to push her. She only reacted to little encouragements.

“For this.” She smiled slightly and opened her bag again. Carefully, she reached in got out a paper covered in clear film and handed it to him. Rafael frowned and took it from her. He looked the paper, then back to her. She was sitting on the bench, her hands pressed between her thighs and her head lowered. She was the picture of insecurity again.

“This is…”

“My Bachelor degree.”, she finished his sentence and smiled slightly. She had got her certificate two days ago and she had actually been surprised, how well she passed. “I’ve also been accepted to do my Master here in LA.”

“Catherine, that is amazing.” He laughed and it was entwined with pride. “Congratulation.”

In this moment, she hesitated. Her fingers fiddling with the brim of her top. Rafael frowned, confused, why she was not jumping in excitement. She did it, despite every odd being against her.

“Can I ask something of you?”

“What is it?”

“Can you…” Catherine took a deep breath and collected all of her bravery. Asking for something, was something, she still struggled with. Especially, if this wish had such a huge chance to be denied. She was taking a great risk, but she longed for it. The uneasiness inside her boiled up until the emotions were almost forcing her to jump up and she ran up and down the way. It was so embarrassing, what she wanted to ask.

“Catherine…”, he said softly and made her stop. “Ask and I will answer. I can’t promise, I’ll say yes, but I promise, I won’t laugh or feel offended.”

“Can you…hug me? And tell me, I did well?”, she asked shyly like a little child. Rafael widened his eyes in surprise for a moment, but then, his face became softer than it had ever been with her. Rafael walked up to her and gently placed a hand on her shoulder. Slowly, she turned around and was immediately wrapped in his arms. Rafael held her close and stroked through her hair. As often as she appeared too wise for her age, she also was a little child seeking for warmth and appreciation.

“You did well, Catherine Amell.”, he whispered and gently patted her head. “I’m proud of you.”

Catherine immediately blushed, when she heard Rafael’s addition. Her heart pounded loudly in her ears. It was more than she had hoped for to get from him. To be truly honest with herself, she had planned the day like this, because she wanted to ask that of him. Rafael was the only one, who would understand, what huge achievement it was for her. He was the only one, who knew that a degree was against all odds and she wished for a praise.

Still, she was aware that Rafael simply said it without a deeper meaning in it. He wanted her to be happy, but she did not mean enough, he could be proud of her. It was an illusion, she gave into, but she gladly did so.

“You were supposed to stick to the script.”, she grumbled and slapped his arm.

“I never stick to the script.” Rafael laughed, but still held her close. With every moment passed, her embarrassment increased. How long would he hold her? Was it a game to find out, when she could not take it anymore? Because it would not take much longer. She was not used to someone being friendly and all this kindness overwhelmed her, made her anxious and jittery. Rafael likely noticed, how she was slightly bouncing, trying to get rid of the overpowering energy inside her. Slowly, his calm energy passed over to her and the uneasy feeling inside her stomach subsided. He held her close, until she took deep breaths and calmed down. For a short moment, she closed her eyes and rested her head against his shoulder.

“You can let me go, you know.”, she whispered.

“I could.”, he murmured. “But you don’t want to, obviously need it and I don’t mind.”

“Rafael.”

“Do you really want to discuss with me?” He laughed again and Catherine could not help, but chuckle. “I’m also proud, you were brave enough to ask for it. It seemed like your self-confidence has increased.”

“Otherwise, I don’t stand chance against you.” Rafael chuckled again, but then let her go, when she started to feel tensed again, overwhelmed by the storm of feelings inside her. Catherine quickly turned away and went back to the bench. She drank half of her bottle empty, while starring at the ground. Nervously, she kicked a small stone and still struggled with everything twirling inside her, still trying to pull her away.

“Can I ask you, why you decided to study Biology?” Rafael had stayed quiet for a while, but he obviously wanted to distract her from what was going on inside her mind. She appreciated the thought. He could not know, what memories he had awoken with this simple question.

“Personal reasons.”, she muttered.

“You don’t want to talk about it?”

“I just don’t like, how you’re disguising your real question. Seemed like a lawyer problem in general. You’re always hiding your true goal within those question so that the other cannot prepare himself.” She sighed heavily and there was a disappointment in her voice, none of them knew, where it was coming from. Absently, she folded her hands in her lap and stared upon the lake. A little breeze blew over from the water and made a few, loose strands of her brown her dance. “I can tell you, how I was before this happened, but it won’t help you to understand me better. I was another Catherine back then and she died long ago. All those memories of her feel surreal to me like someone had implemented memories of a stranger into my brain. I can see them, I have access to them, but I don’t feel connected to them anymore. It’s more like watching a movie inside your head in which the main character happens to look like you. So, from whom do you wanna know, why she wanted to study Biology?”

Rafael stayed silent for a while and Catherine felt, how he was watching her intensely, though she was not looking at him. Sometimes, she wished, she would be able to read someone’s mind. What would she give to know, what he was thinking? It would help her loosing those doubts and fear, but on the other hand, she would never be able to handle all those dark thoughts. He probably thought, how weird it was to hear her speaking of her past self like she was a different person.

“Both.”, he finally answered. Catherine rubs her eyebrows and lowered her head again.

“I did, because of her. I wanted to reconnect to this loose end of my life. I hoped, if I simply continued like she planned, it would be easier to pretend the time between has never happened. She was so much brighter than me, although she had been tainted as well, but she had hopes and dreams. I hoped, if I continue her dream, I would get something of it back.”

She felt, how Barba sat down next to her and for the first time, it did not startle her. During all this time they had spent together, she had grown used to his presence. Her inner alarm system did not saw a danger within him anymore. It felt more natural to her than before and it was easier to stay relaxed. It was a great step and according to the surprise look on his face, he knew as well. Still, he was careful, when he wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her a little closer. 

“What was her dream?”, he asked and her dark eyes starred intensely into hers.

“I must go further back to explain this.” Catherine bit her bottom lip and tried to find a good point to start this gruesome tale, which happened to be her life. She looked into his eyes, silently asking, if he was willing to listen to a long story. Barba nodded. “ I had an older brother. His name was Jeffrey, who I love deeply. Maybe, I idealise him, now, but he was the greatest bigger brother, I could imagine. He was kind, gentle, empathetic, charming and polite. He looked after me, when I was little, because my parents weren’t at home often. He played with me, made me laugh. As you know, I grew up at my grandparents, but the first years of my life, I still lived with my parents. When I turned six, my grandparents decided, it could not go on like this. They took us in. They did not talk about the custody procedures, but as far as I know, our parents didn’t want us. They instantly agreed that our grandparents looking after us.”

Catherine’s voice turned sad and to her own surprise, she noticed tears in her eyes. She thought, she was over it, but it seems like no one could ever get over this ultimate betrayal. The biggest hurt done to any human being was to be unwanted by its parents. Rafael’s grip around her shoulder shivered as if he tried to supress his own anger. When Catherine looked at him, she saw, how his jaw had become stiff. He did not look at her. Probably, because he did not want her to notice his anger and to avoid making her upset.

“Jeffrey and I didn’t miss our parents. Our grandparents took great care of us. We had a good life. They were rich and they could offer us a lot.” Catherine smiled slightly, but it did not reach her eyes. “I even had my own horse. A stallion named Canzor and we were a promising talent in show jumping. Everything was perfect, until…”

Her voice trailed off and she lowered her eyes. She felt, how the pain of her past was about to overwhelm her and made her heart pain.

“Until?” Catherine looked up and stared into worried, dark eyes. It was just then, when she realised, he was openly showing emotions on his face. Back in New York, she had had great difficulty to read his face, but now, he did not seem to hide them anymore. Or did he feel more of them? At least it seemed like he truly was caring for her. The intensity of his gaze was hard to be acted and Catherine could not deny the good impact he had on her. She enjoyed having someone, who knew about her past and with whom she could talk. Rafael was great in giving advices and pushed her to the limits, confronted her about things, she did not want to see or was afraid of. Slowly, a feeling of security had been awoken inside her, when he was around. Something she had not known for such a long time and it actually made her happy. It could not be something bad then, right?

“When I was thirteen, I was called away from class. My brother had passed out.” She took a deep, shuttering breath and blinked tears out of her eyes. “I rushed to the hospital and was so relieved, when he was awake again. The doctors first thought, it was the flu, but it did not become better. He felt weak and tired, was pale like a ghost. In the end, it turned out, he had Leukaemia.”

Rafael widened his eyes and then, closed them. When he felt, how she started to shiver, he pulled her closer and rested a hand in her hair. Catherine sniffed and clenched her hands in his shirt, when everything returned. All the pain and desperation that she had felt then, returned and crushed over her. Barba was the only thing anchoring her.

“I’m so sorry, Catherine.”, he whispered soothingly.

“Even my parents came back to be tested, if they are fitting donors. None of them fitted and I was his last hope. I prayed every night, I would fit him. Jeffrey could not die. He was the best person, I had met so far. I felt so hopeless.”

“But you didn’t fit.”, he said soberly. Catherine shook her head against his shoulder.

“I didn’t, but sadly, something else was revealed. My blood group is B negative. My mother is 0 positive and my father A positive.”

“Your father is not your biological father.”, Rafael said shocked and Catherine nodded.

“I had to get to know, my mother cheated on my father like this.”, she said bitterly and bit into her lip, until the pain tore her out of her anger. “I didn’t know, what to feel them. I wasn’t shocked that he was not my father. He had never been my father. I had no connection to him, but I knew, it meant, I couldn’t help my brother. I was scared, when I went to the hospital to tell him. I cried at his bed, begged him to forgive me. I said, I’m so sorry, that I’m not his sister and I can’t save him.”

“How did he react?” Catherine blinked for a few seconds and then quoted his words with a shallow voice:

“Oh, Cath. There is nothing, you need to be sorry about. You always be my sister no matter, what happens. We have different fathers, so what?  I’m actually glad that we do, because you wouldn’t be, who you are, if we had the same. You know genetics, Cath, you know, you’d be a different person then. You wouldn’t be my beloved sister.”

“You had a wonderful brother.”

“Yes, but sadly, his kindness didn’t make him healthy again. From then on, I spent every free minute by his side, while we hoped, a donor would be found in time. I watched, how he grew weaker and weaker. In the end, he was emaciated and so pale, his skin was almost transparent. He slept most of the time. Slowly, the fight against the cancer costed him his personality and his life faded from his eyes. They became dull and, in the end, his light was gone. He had died, before his body did and it pained me to watch this progress. He had been such a lively, warm and happy person. More than once, I wished, I would be in his place. If someone had to die, it should have been me. Jeffrey was a better person than I was…than I am.”

Her voice broke and she desperately tried to fight off her tears. Thankfully, Rafael did not say a word. She did not want to hear any of those shallow answers, which would automatically be said to such a statement. She would not believe them anyway. Catherine tried to focus on the sound of his breath, before she was taken away by her sadness. The loss of her brother had been a cut in her life. The disinterest of her parents had not bothered her. She barely remembered them at all. The only thing she had been mad about, was that her mother cheated on her father and therefore denied her the chance to do something for her brother in return.

Rafael let her cry for a little while, but then gently dissolved his embrace. He raised her head and looked sadly into her eyes, before he got a hanky out of his pocket and carefully wiped the tears out of her eyes. Catherine closed her eyes and let the warm feeling of compassion run through her. It was soothing to have someone taking care of her. She tilted her head and leaned her forehead against his shoulder.

“He died within half a year.”, she continued with a voice shivering from dying tears. “And within the next two years, my grandparents passed away as well. I have no one anymore. That’s why she wanted to study Biology. So that no other family had to go through this pain and loose a family member way too early.”

Somehow, she expected Rafael to say, she had him, but she felt relieved, when he did not. It was way too early for such a big statement and he obviously did not want to promise something, he could not possibly know, he was able to keep. All he could offer was salvation in this very moment. Maybe she could help him work things out, but he obviously could as well. Something about him made her talk about things, she had never talked about. She wanted to open up to him and let him see the vulnerable girl hidden deep inside of her. It was a feeling of natural trust that even her trauma could not completely taint. To be honest, it was this feeling, this longing, which scared her the most. How easily his calmness wiped every carefully built up self-protection away, though they had been everything, which ensured her survival.

“I came to New York to run away. Nothing kept me in Cardiff anymore. Every step I walked in its streets, contained memories of happier times. I had lost everything, not just my family, but my drive. I had no idea, what purpose life had. Why should I continue walking, when everyone I lived for, was gone? I would have given everything to go back to the past, that a door would open and I could return to them. It was all, I wanted. Sometimes, I still do, but I know, Jeffrey didn’t want me to throw my life away. One of his last, clear words were, he is sorry to leave me alone.” She closed her eyes again and wondered, where her brother was now. Was he in the darkness as well? Did he feel alone? Or was he simply gone and stopped existing. “He was so strong. He was the one dying, but yet he was comforting me.”

“It seems like strength lays within you family, Catherine.”, Rafael said quietly, but with a firm voice.

“I only am, because I don’t want to deny Jeffrey his last wish.”

“The reason is irrelevant. You are a strong person, Catherine. Stronger than most. Don’t sell yourself short.”

“Rafael…”, she said in surprised, but then clenched her fingers into the hem of her top and shivered. A few tears rolled down her cheeks and turned the blue fabric of her top into almost black. “Please, stop.”

This time, she had to plead. She could not take it anymore. It felt like something inside her was about to shatter into million pieces. Like she was looking into the mirror and saw how her reflection was torn apart. Catherine did not know, who would wait behind the shatters.

“Why should I stop?” Typical for a lawyer. He needed her to say exactly, what she meant. Nothing could stay in the shadows or he would never guess, what she was meaning. But maybe, he was just sticking to her advice. Trust can only be developed by being honest with each other and to communicate.

“Saying those kind words.”, Catherine whispered. “Otherwise…”

“Otherwise?”, he asked patiently and she hated him for making her say it, and yet, his energy was perfect for this moment.

“I might forgive myself.” Her voice was nothing but a mere whisper, her eyes shamefully starring to the ground. “I can’t let that happen.”

Hastily, she shook her head and clenched her hand into a fist.

“I understand.” Catherine blinked in surprise and looked up at him. Rafael smiled, but Catherine was not able to understand the emotion, which was hiding behind it. It might be sadness, but she was not sure.  “My abuelita died shortly before all of this happened. Beforehand, I tried to convince her to move into a retirement centre, after she had fallen down. She didn’t want to, but I knew my mother could not look after her. She has her own nursing school and already worked too much. One day, I organised a visit in one of the best centres, but she didn’t like it. Shortly afterwards, she died and although I know, it had no causal relation, I feel guilty for her death. Maybe, I stressed her too much. My mother said the same, tough she said it in grief. She still is angry with me. That was the other reason, why I moved here.”

Catherine widened her eyes and looked up at him. In this moment, Rafael seemed older than he was. His own guilt pushed him down and there was sadness in his eyes. Immediately, Catherine’s kind nature, which she did not acknowledge herself, kicked in. She slid closer to him and wrapped an arm around just like on the Pier. She could not endure it, when someone around her was suffering, and if she could, she would do anything to help the person. She was fine, when everyone around her was fine. No one should go through, what she had to endure.

Rafael raised his head and stared into her kind eyes, but it seemed, like he felt her compassion, because slowly, one of his rare smiles appeared again. An honest one, not one of his arrogant, masquerade ones.

“It seems like we’re both in our own chosen exile, now.”, he said and laughed quietly. Catherine only raised an eyebrow, but Rafael did not look at her. Instead he looked at the lake and let the wind run through his hair. There was a feeling of melancholy, which Catherine instinctively noticed. She starred at him, but the longer he was silent, the more she felt, how much of his behaviour was a masquerade. He pretended to be strong and have got things straightened out with himself, but in this moment, there were regret and doubts within him. He missed the life, he had left behind in New York and how he had not been able to sort everything out. For Catherine, LA had been a fresh start, where she could leave her past behind, but for Rafael, it truly must feel like an exile and she felt sorry for him. She squeezed his shoulder tight and rested hear head against his arm, trying to give him comfort through her sympathy and warmth. To her surprise, Rafael accepted the gesture without hesitation. He wrapped an arm around her and rested his head on hers. It felt like this was, what he needed. Was it wrong to hope, she allowed him to show his softer side? Maybe even his true side? A side as vulnerable as in everybody else. Humanity was a social race. They needed connections to others, sympathy and closeness, otherwise it would wither. Everyone needed someone, with whom they can be their true selves. Barba obviously struggled more than he showed and needed more friendly actions, then he had believed himself. But what if…

A dark thought appeared in her mind and nested itself into the depths of her mind. A fixed idea, she did not want to believe herself, but she could not dismiss with logic no matter, how much she fought for it.

“Rafael…”, she started slowly and carefully. Rafael blinked his eyes open. He obviously sensed, that something was bothering her. “I can’t grant you absolution. You know that, right?”

Rafael frowned and starred at her in confusion.

“What do you mean?” Catherine sighed. She hated, she had to say this, but she needed to get this nagging thought of her head, otherwise, it would never leave her.

“You obviously left without sorting everything out and you feel guilty for it. You ran away.”, she stated neutrally, but seemed to hit a nerve, because he flinched a little. “That’s okay, but I don’t want you to spend time with me, because you want to redeem yourself through helping me. I’m not your atonement.”

“Oh…”, he exhaled, when he understood, what she meant. He looked at her hurtlingly. There was a disappointment shining through him, which pained her. Quickly, she avoided his gaze and clenched her hands into the fabric of her shirt over her heart. She hoped, it was not like this. She did not want it to be like this. “One step forward, taking two steps back.”

“What?”, she asked.

“Nothing.”, he dismissed quietly. “Catherine, listen. I understand, where you are coming from, but I can’t deny, it hurts. It feels like you want to see me as a bad person.”

“Rafael…I…” She chewed on her lip. The dark feeling of guilt washed over her. She breathed in deeply, but the shame overwhelmed her, making her feel sick. She bowed forward and clenched her head between her arms. “I know. I know, I’m not easy right now and I hate myself for reacting like this. I know, you’re not a bad person, but it scares me, how quickly I’m trusting you and I can’t get rid of this fear. I’m making a mess of things. I’m sorry…so sorry…”

She felt how Barba moved away from her and suddenly, the cold of loneliness grabbed her. She shivered and her stomach twisted around.

“Catherine.” Barba’s calm voice pierced through her personal darkness once again. She felt a gentle hand on her head, which ruffled through her hair. “Look at me!”

Catherine hesitated, not sure, if she was brave enough to look into these pained, dark eyes. She had disappointed him and once again screwed everything up, loosing the only one caring for her.

“I just don’t understand, why you’re willing to put so much effort in me.”

Rafael sighed next to her and the gentle hand disappeared. All Catherine wanted to do, was to run away, but her body was paralysed.

“Do you know, why I called you back, when you were about to leave?” Rafael leaned back on the bench and crossed his legs, grabbing his knee. She blinked and dissolved her protective posture. Shyly, she looked up at him.

“No.”

“Because there was a reflex in me, that I don’t want it. We likely wouldn’t have seen each other again.”, he explained, while looking up at the sun. “You were the first, who understood, why I had to do this to Drew. Olivia was so disappointed, when she got to know it. The expression in her eyes still haunts me at times.”

“That makes it sound even more like I’m your attornment, Rafael. I appeared, when you felt overwhelmed by your guilt and you could make up for it by helping me. To ensure to you, that you’re not a bad man.”, she replied seriously and her heart clenched. She could not endure it, if this was the case. Rafael shook his head in dismiss.

“That wasn’t the reason. I didn’t want you to leave, because it felt good, when you comforted me. When you wrapped your arms around me, I felt, what I’ve been missing for a long time. Someone to have close, to whom I could talk and who would understand. Before I met you, I was feeling guilty. I _am_ a murderer and only got away, because of a juristically formality. I had realised, I only had tried to justify it before myself, but deep within me, I was despising myself and you are right, I ran away from this feeling. Not just from the doubts about Drew, but from my decision about my abuelita as well. Yet, you managed to keep these thoughts away for a while and it was soothing to hear you say, you believe, I would never do something morally wrong. If you, above all, would be able to see me like this, I might not as bad as I thought. You gave me hope, when I was desperate, Catherine, and I didn’t want you to leave without a chance to get to know, if we get along.”

Catherine blinked in surprise, when she heard his explanation. His intention could still be repayment in a way, but he decided to get to know her better, because she had been able to comfort him. She was his potential salvation, but not to make his past actions undone. She could be, because she was giving some strength to leave it behind. Was this any better? She had been oblivious, she had had such an impact on him in this short encounter and with those little gestures. Maybe he was looking for the same as she did.

“Please, give me your hand.”, he asked of her suddenly with a friendly tone. Rafael held out his hand to her. She frowned and starred at him in confusion. What was he planning? What was he trying to achieve? She stared into his warm eyes, while he waited patiently. Catherine needed a few moments to get over her suspicion, but then rested her hand in his. Rafael’s hand was smooth and warm. There was no trace of calluses, indicating he never had to work hard physically. His fingernails were neatly trimmed. For a brief moment, Catherine was jealous of his smooth skin. He obviously paid more attention to their care than she did, but then her mind returned to the question, what Rafael was trying to achieve with this gesture. Carefully, he closed his hand around her fingertips and raised their hands to height of his face. Gently, he rested his forehead against them, while he closed his eyes. It was such a tender, trustful gesture that it made Catherine’s heart jump and moved her to tears.

“I promise you, I will be honest with you. I won’t manipulate you or abuse your trust. I’m not using you to make me feel better. You’re _not_ my atonement.” His deep voice held such determination, when he made his vow. Not even the anxiety within her could find a way to see it as a sign of manipulation. He meant every word he said. “I also promise to tell you, if something isn’t alright. There’s no need to be afraid around me.”

Catherine’s heart was hammering in her ears, when she looked at his gesture and his words slowly sank in. It was the ultimate gesture of sympathy.

“Rafael…”, she whispered breathlessly. She absolutely had not expected this. Instinctively, she leaned her head against his, silently accepting his promise. Just as their hands were connected, there was a bond forming in their hearts. There was no room for casual acquaintance anymore. This moment was the point of no return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, that was a quite difficult chapter, but I think, they've taken a great step, now. Both of them have decided, they are friends, now, and exactly what they need in this very moment. When you find someone, who feels that natural to you, then all differences subside and you should simply enjoy the feeling.
> 
> Now, they only have to win against time and everyday life to see, if their friendship can withstand normality. 
> 
> I hope, I'm going to be able to post the next chpater next week, but I can't promise it. :) Have a great Saturday, you all. See ya! Subaru


	9. The bliss of trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael and Catherine slowly find their rhythm and therefore, Catherine is able to show a bit of her true nature.

Who would have thought that Rafael’s law firm looked just like a clone of Pearson Specter Litt from the TV series Suits? Did all high-class law firms look like that? Was there a secret checklist that everyone had to provide and which included the architecture or was it just on vogue to be as glassy as possible? Catherine walked through the entrance hall, her sneakers making an uncomfortable sound on the white marble tiles next to the cling of the high heels from the other visitors. For a moment, Catherine wondered, how woman could walk in those shoes and dresses all day and still doing their work. It was actually quite impressive. She would not be able to, that was sure and she was glad that her future job allowed more casual clothing.

The entrance had odd similarities to an ant colony with all those lawyers running around hectically with their phones on their ears. How high would their blood pressure be? Catherine chuckled quietly and shook her head. This definitely was not a world she belonged into and she also did not want to. Who would voluntary work in a branch in which you had to wear black suits, although it was 95 Fahrenheit outside and the sun shone mercilessly through the glassy walls, although it was evening and it already weakened? And yet, Catherine saw not a single drop of sweat on a forehead or brow. Were they mutants? Hell, she was sweating and she was only wearing a white tee and a three-quarter pants- she had not wanted to come to the law firm in shorts and tank. That felt rather unappropriated to her.

In the centre of the entrance hall was a tonsil, guarded by a security man, who looked so threatening and badass, Catherine felt like she had to face the Minotaur like Theseus. Something within her said, she would not be as lucky as he had been. She was not a hero out of Greece mythology after all.  Mr. Minotaur looked at her, frowned and snorted. He really had to underline that comparison, huh? Well, no wonder he eyed her suspiciously. She really was strikingly different and obviously not a client. Her clothes all together had costed as much as one pair of tights or socks the other persons in here were wearing. Yeah, Barba was totally fitting in here, she had to admit. Thankfully, he was not born into this class, which made him quite endurable and not as arrogant as all those others in here, who turned up their nose at her. Geez, she was starting to think in stereotypes, now.

Catherine sighed, shook her head and oriented herself. Next to the tonsil was a golden sign with a declaration, who or what firm were on which floor. Suddenly, she had the feeling of being starred at and she noticed that Mr. Minotaur looked like he was about to attack. Catherine smiled innocently and strolled over to the reception desk. On the other side sat a young woman, maybe as old as Catherine, with her chocolate brown hair cascading down her back in beautiful waves. Her red polished fingers drummed onto the desk, while she listened to someone on the other line of the phone. Shauna- at least that was, what her name sign said- raised an eyebrow, when Catherine walked up to her. Catherine let herself not be irritated by it and smiled kindly at the woman, who would hopefully give her the pass, so Catherine could avoid to fight the Minotaur.

Five minute later, Catherine still smiled, but grew rather impatient. Shauna still watched her with a dismissively smile, while she hummed every now again to whomever she was talking to. Was she not supposed to be friendly to her? At least, Catherine would have to be, if Shauna would come to the café in her Gucci dress.

‘I apologise. Just a minute.’, Shauna mouthed and raised a finger to silence Catherine. Catherine furrowed her eyebrows, but stayed polite. For a moment, she threw worried gaze to the bag, she was holding in her hands.

Then finally, Shauna was done and noisily put down the earphone.

“Good day.”, Catherine greeted charmingly.

“Hello, Miss.”, Shauna repeated automatically. Man, she really had to show her dislike openly. “How can I help you?”

 _As if you want to_ , Catherine thought and supressed a snort. She wanted something from her and therefore, it was not wise to be rude.

“I would like to visit Mister Barba. Could you please tell me, where his office is?” Shauna looked at her through one of her voluminous bangs and tilted her head only the slightest. Most would not have noticed, how Shauna scanned her carefully, but Catherine did, because she paid attention to every little gesture. Catherine only raised an eyebrow to let Shauna known, she had been caught. Shauna cleared her throat and leaned back into her chair.

“Do you have an appointment?”

“No.”, Catherine answered and truly disliked the not well-hidden undertone in Shauna’s voice.

“And you are?”, she asked casually. The only thing missing was, if she would start to make her nails. In this moment, Catherine internally snapped. How impolite of her, oh well, then she would have to shock her.

“You don’t know?” She feigned to be shocked and made a dramatically gesture. “I’m Catherine Amell, his girlfriend.”

Got her! That was not, what Shauna had expected. Her eyes blew wide and she was visibly out of concept.

 _‘Are you?’_ , was what she wanted to ask, but her job denied it from her. She still watched Catherine with hidden disapproval, but then sighed.

To be honest, Catherine was rather surprised, Shauna even knew, who Rafael was. This was a big law firm and he was rarely here, because he was a consultant and worked from home most of the time. So, she was either generally shocked anyone in this firm would be in a relationship with her or she had an eye on him herself. Catherine liked neither of it.

“Of course, I will announce you.”

“No, please.”, Catherine said. “I would like to surprise him.”

Shauna frowned, but then seemed to decide, it was not part of her job to care. If she would be an unwanted visitor, Rafael would call the security immediately. She reached to her right and slid a notepad to her. Her red fingers tapped onto one of the lines and Catherine saw names, time of arrival and departure. She nodded and wrote downher name . Afterwards, Shauna described her the way to his office.

~*~

The skyscrapers in LA were not as high and impressive as they were in New York. New York was the city of the iron rockets. Catherine stood on the transparent elevator and watched, how it ran up until the fourteenth floor. In sheer distance, she was able to see the glistening blue carpet of the ocean. Catherine definitely could imagine worse working place than one with this wonderful view. Not that any of them had the time to enjoy it. It was to impress their clients. The best location immediately meant that they were the best law firm. The same pertained for the lawyer. The higher the floor of the office, the higher was their rank. For Catherine, it was just unnecessary demeanour and said nothing of quality, but she had learned, this was how the world worked. She found it pretty dumb to put it in simple words. How much she hated all this staging. She sighed and turned away from the city of [superficiality](https://www.dict.cc/englisch-deutsch/superficiality.html) in which the looks mattered more than the personality. She would never get used to it.

The door binged and slid open. Immediately, the quietness was replaced by a loud mesh of words. In the middle of the wide floor were shoe carton of  offices with partition walls in which the poor, fresh lawyer carved out a miserable existence, while they were surrounded by the luxuriousness offices of those, who survived these years of training.

The fourteenth floor was not the highest. Rafael was just a consultant after all and therefore could not have an office on top, but he was in the higher ranks. For a moment, Catherine felt confused and disorientated, overstimulated by all the hectic energy crushing over her like a storm tide.

For her luck, she did not have to search for long for his office. It was in the left corner of the floor. Relieved, she breathed out and walked up to the glass door, which stood open. Rafael sat on his desk, surrounded by piles of papers and books. The light of his notebook screen enlightened his face, while the raising moon stood in his back. Highly focused, he was writing down notes with an elegant black and golden fountain pen. The sleeves of his shirt were rolled up, his jacket rested on the wardrobe next to the entrance.

“Knock, knock.” Catherine smiled and knocked against the door. Rafael frowned and looked up. “Hi, Rafael!”

“Catherine.”, he exclaimed surprised and stood up. “What are you doing here?”

There was a movement behind Catherine’s back, that made her tense up for a moment. Rafael noticed and looked past her, signalising his secretary that it was fine. The middle-aged woman with the strict bun eased back into her seat again and continued typing.

“It sounded like you have to face another all-nighter and I know, how you tend to bury yourself into work and forget everything, then. My shift in the café is just over and you didn’t get the chance to eat anything last time. So, I thought…” She held out the bag, which she had been hiding behind her back. “I should bring you dinner.”

“You’re a lifesaver. Thank you.”, Rafael laughed and hugged her. “Hello, Catherine.”

“Good to see you, Rafael. We haven’t for such a long time.” Catherine closed her eyes and just like always rested her head briefly against his shoulder. Rafael smiled softly and let her do as she liked. Within the last two months, since they had been at the lake shrine, he had got used to it. Catherine needed those little signs of affection, which could be disguised as normal behaviour. Just like always, when they dissolved, he gently ruffled through her hair, which made her blush cutely and ducked her head in embarrassment, while straightening her hair. It was a ritual, which had developed over the time. “Well, now that we have this over and done, is the deadline that crazy, that I should better leave? Or do you have a little bit of time, so we can eat together?”

“Yes.” Rafael smirked and Catherine threw a deathly stare at him. Lawyer through and through. He answered to the exact question, she was asking. She had run into those kinds of traps over and over again. He laughed amusedly and threw a pointed gaze towards her.

“Smartass.”, she grumbled, what made him laugh even louder. Catherine disliked those games, although she knew, what his intention was. “Do you have time to eat dinner with me?”

Rafael sighed and turned back to the piles of work, but then shrugged.

“I could definitely use a break.”, he admitted and pointed to a sitting group on the right side of his office. “Please, have a seat.”

“Thank you.” Catherine smiled, walked over and put the bag on the glassy coffee table- of course it was glassy. She shook her head silently and took out the food, which had been carefully packed into paper by herself.

“What did you get?”, Rafael asked curiously, while he sat down.

“Sandwiches. They’re not so heavy, so you won’t get tired later one.”

“Very considerate of you.”

“I thought that was clear by now.” Catherine smirked and slid his sandwich over. It was topped with avocado, salad, ham and a light sauce out of sour cream. Rafael took it gratefully, rested the paper on his lap to prevent any strains, and unwrapped it. The fresh smell of citrons filled the air and he starred hungrily at it. Catherine chuckled and let herself fall onto the lounge opposite to Barba’s, one leg resting under her butt. “That’s what a good girlfriend is like.”

She laughed out loud, when Rafael almost spit out the first bite he had taken from his sandwich. He coughed and hit against his chest to get the stuck bread down his throat. He gulped and swallowed down a huge sip of water, which he had just filled into two glasses for them.

“Sorry, what?”

“I’m your girlfriend.”

“Yeah, I heard that.”, he said angrily and looked at her. The gaze of confusion and concern was quite amusing. “The question is, how did you get the idea?”

“Because, I said it.”, she answered casually and bit into her sandwich, but she watched him through her lashes and her very well calculated sentence did not miss its effect. Rafael’s eyes blew wide in a mix of fear, concern and shock. Catherine grinned contently around her sandwich and enjoyed the taste of tuna on her tongue. Time to give him a lesson. If he played this game with her, she was going to play it, too. His bad luck, when he gave her confidence. Time to let him see her true nature.

“Why have you done that?”, he groaned, when he noticed her grin and pinched his eyebrows.

“Because your receptionist is a bitch.”, she explained and shrugged, then calmly ate her sandwich. Rafael’s brows furrowed even more.

“Because the…” He stopped, blinked several times and shook his head in confusion. He obviously saw Catherine’s amusement and he narrowed his eyebrows in annoyance, which made her grin even brighter. “I think, you have to enlighten me about the causal relation to this.”

“I’m just answering the question, you’re asking me. Not my fault, when you’re not asking the right ones.”, Catherine said amused. Oh, the annoyed gaze turned deathly, now. He was pissed. “See how this game feels like?”

“I do and I’m gonna have a splitting headache, now.”, he groaned and slumped back into his lounge, still throwing deathly gazes at her. “So, dear Catherine…”

“Oh, I like the sound of it, go on.” Catherine’s aquamarine eyes sparkled with pure joy, which made Rafael sour. The edges of his brows were almost down to the tip of his nose, while he did not like, how she paid him back. Cheekily, she stretched her chin and her grin almost reached her ears, giving her the look of the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland. Barba breathed out soundly and it seemed like he desperately tried to stay calm.

“Would you please enlighten me, why you said, you’re my girlfriend, because the receptionist is a bitch?”

“Well, that’s a good question.” She nodded to him and winked. Just a little bit longer and she expected steam rising from Rafael. Apparently, he was not used to be teased anymore, but Catherine still saw a very hidden glint of amusement in his eyes, so she did not get too worried.

“Well, it’s been said, it increases a man’s reputation, if he’s dating a younger woman, so…”

“Oh, for God’s sake, Catherine stop!” Rafael threw his arms in the air in pure desperation. Catherine laughed out loud and almost feel over onto the couch, but then waved her hands in defeat, before he would continue.

“Okay, okay.”, she said, when she had calmed down and immediately turned serious again. “Shauna just pissed me off, that’s why.”

“I swear, Catherine, I still have no clue, what you’re talking about.”

“I was just about to get to that.” Catherine sighed and put her sandwich on the table, before resting her hand onto her knee and looking out of the window. “First, she was ignoring me for over five minutes and then looked disapprovingly at me, because I obviously didn’t fit in. I simply wanted to shock her.”

She shrugged dismissively.

“Her face was priceless tough.” Catherine chuckled amusedly. “It shook her to the very foundation a man like you would go out with a woman like me.”

“Oh, Catherine…”, Rafael sighed tiredly and exhaled. Catherine’s smile decreased a little and a bit of seriousness returned to her face.

“I think, she has an eye on you. She reacted way too intensely.”

“Shauna?”, Rafael asked astonished. Catherine frowned and tilted her head.

“And you know her name?”, she asked surprised. “Could it be, you have, too?”

“It’s enough, Catherine.” Rafael had relaxed. Likely, he had given up to get upset about her little teasing. “What was the real reason, why you played this game?”

“You have to spoil every kind of fun.” She feigned to pout, but then smiled softly without looking into his eyes. He truly got to know her well. He knew, she was not being mean without any hidden meaning behind it. “I wanted to distract you. A few minutes without thinking about work. Did I succeed?”

Rafael looked at her surprised for a blink of an eye, but then his expression turned soft and he nodded.

“Thank you, Catherine.”

“You’re welcome.” She smiled happily and continued eating her dinner. That had been so much fun. Normally, she never got those strong reactions out of him

Then, it became silent in the office, while both them ate dinner peacefully. Only the rustling of paper sounded through the air. This level of trust they had achieved made it possible, that a silence between them did not feel uncomfortable. None of them felt the urge to fill it. Catherine was proud of herself, that she had got rid of the urge to please. Rafael had closed  his eyes and seemed to enjoy the slowing in pace. Catherine was quite happy with the result and how at ease she felt around him. It had taken a while, until she had gathered enough self-confidence and had healed enough, to show the person, she had once been. His vow had helped a lot, because it allowed her to give up most of her self-protection. Even now, when she thought about it, it touched her deeply and made her heart beat faster. Rafael was a proud man. He would have never done such a gesture, if she did not mean something to him. In general, she had grown quickly during the past two months and there was no way in denying, that Rafael played a big part in it. He had been kind and understanding all the way. He had supported her, when she felt like falling down again, encouraged her to stand up for herself and had turned soft, when she felt insecure again. Through her, he had learned to show his softer side. Rafael had accepted his responsibility towards her and somehow managed to develop a very fine sense for what she needed. He knew instinctively, when not to make a big deal out of her behaviour, when she needed affection and warmth or to be distracted. Catherine was very glad, she had met Rafael again. His calmness had been exactly, what she needed and when he held her close, the quiet voice of her anxiety stayed silent. She was able to rest around him.

“Rafael…” It was her, who broke the silence, when they both finished eating. Rafael slowly rose his head. It looked like he was awakening from a deep sleep, which Catherine interpreted as a state of deep relaxation. It seemed like Rafael felt comfortable around her, too. She knew as much about him as his closest friends did. Rafael likely knew, she could not care less about his status or mask. All she cared about, was his true self and her kind nature ensured, that she was a very loyal and trustworthy person. She was not a person to trust quickly, but if she decided to let anyone close, she would do everything for this person. Rafael could be sure, she would never do anything to harm him. All she did was caring about him.

“Hmmm?” He tilted his head and watched her lazily.

“Do you still have a bit of time?”, she asked. Rafael frowned and looked at the expensive watch around his left wrist. It was half past seven. The moon was full and clear, some stars shining down on their human counterparts.

“Yes, it should be fine.”, he confirmed. “What do you have in mind?”

“Another game, to be honest.” Carefully, Catherine wiped her mouth clean and moved into a cross-legged sitting position. Rafael looked at her in a mix of curiosity and confusion, but she had his attention. “We’ve become quite close during those four months we meet each other and know a lot of the intimate things of the other, but we know way too less on the superficial level of each other according to our level of trust. We know the tragedies of our past, our fears and traumata, but we don’t know such easy things like favourite foods, music or movies and I would like to change that.”

Rafael watched her closely for a few moments and valued her words.

“What kind of game do you want to play?”

“I thought about doing our own cross examination. Everyone asks the other a question and it must be answered honestly. Then, it’s the other’s turn.” Catherine held her breath, tough she did not know why, while she waited for him to answer. Earlier, she could not have stood those intense, but dark eyes. When they had rested on her and had watched her close, she had felt small. Luckily, not anymore. She had developed enough trust to Rafael to not feel ashamed under these eyes. It did not take long, until Rafael agreed:

“There are some things, I would like to know, so I agree.” Then, he stood up, removed the waste quickly and refilled their glasses of water. “Who shall start?”

“You can start.” Catherine moved herself in a comfortable position and waited, while Rafael chose his first question. There was a curiosity growing within her, because the question would reveal something of the questioner as well.

“Let’s start with something simple. It’s about superficiality, right?”, he mused and rubbed his chin. “What were your hobbies?”

Catherine tilted her head from side to side, while she thought about his question. She did not miss, how he had asked, what her hobbies _were_. Likely, he wanted to get to know the person, she was slowly becoming again.

“Don’t think too much.” Catherine’s thoughts were called back by Rafael’s soft voice. She looked back up and sighed resigned, but then nodded. It was about not giving too much thought about it and to create another level of knowledge.

“Well, I spent most of the time with Canzor, obviously.”

“That was your horse, right?”, Rafael asked and Catherine nodded.

“I got him, when I was ten. A beautiful Hanoverian horse with dark brown fur, gentle, kind, strong and very eager to please. We rode several tournaments and won a few.” A small smile twitched around the corners of her lips, while she starred back into the past. “For me, it was the most relaxing thing. When you’re on a horse, there is no room for other thoughts. All you’re focusing on is how its and your muscle work, to feel the strength beneath you. The most pleasant thing was to ride out and cantering over a field. It such a feeling of freedom, when you see all those colours fly by, blurring into each other, to feel the wind playing with your hair and the strong muscles working under you, hearing it snorting. It’s always such a delight.”

Catherine sighed softly and stroked a bang out of her face and behind her ear. She missed her horse deeply, but when Jeffrey had become ill, none of them had the time to look after him, so they decided it was best for all of them, if they sold them. It still was. Even if they had kept him, she would not have been able to take him with them to New York.

Rafael did not ask any other question. He knew, he only had one and she was not actually done answering his first.

“Next to it, I did rather ordinary things. I loved to read, watched television, preferable animes, to draw, though I’m quite bad at it, I played the piano for six years, but haven’t for almost 15 years, and I loved to sing and I still do, but it got kind of a bitter taste.”

Rafael raised his eyebrows in confusion, but stayed silent to encourage her continuing. Catherine’s mouth became dry and her throat tight, but she had promised honesty. It was something, she wanted to give him in return for all he was enduring because of her. She wanted to speak openly with him and answer even those questions, which he did not ask directly.

“I don’t know, if you’ve been ever in a position like this.”, she continued and her voice had become much quieter than before. The weight of her past pushed her down, pressed the air out of her lunges. “But when you’re exposed to absolute silence, it starts to feel loud and deafening. The walls appear to come closer and you feel like being crushed. It’s such an intense pressure that builds inside your chest, although there is not a sound. All you want to do is to cover your ears. To prevent this anxious feeling, you start to fill it. I sang a lot, also to prevent of feeling lonely, but those purposes took the joy out of it for me. It is always connected to this dark time. After I were able to escape and sang the first few times, I got flashbacks. I broke down several times, while singing.”

When she looked back up, she met a sad gaze in dark eyes, which she saw way too often in his eyes for her liking. She did not want him to be sad, although he was feeling this emotion for her. She could not endure pity today. Before he could say something, she said quickly:

“Okay, my turn, now.” He appeared taken by surprise for a while, but then nodded. “Your favourite music genre?”

“That’s an interesting question. Not artist?”

“Artist doesn’t reveal much. I can love Beyoncé, but prefer Hip Hop as a genre.”

“Do you?”, Rafael asked curiously. Catherine chuckled quietly, but the shadow of her previous revelation was not gone out of it. She simply shrugged ominously and tried to grin cheekily. Most would be fooled by it, but by now, Rafael knew her well enough not to be fooled. Thankfully, he said nothing. Instead, he leaned back into the lounged and looked up onto the ceiling. “Do I have to be honest?”

“Yes, Rafael.” She frowned and leaned a bit closer. Was that a little blush on his cheek? “That was the deal. Why, what’s your favourite genre? Death Metal?”

“I wish, it would be.” He sighed melodramatically and rubbed over his eyebrows. He obviously did not feel comfortable. It almost looked like the words did not fit through his throat, because he started to say it several times. Although Catherine had grown more confident during the time, she could not prevent, her heart clenched at this moment. Maybe, she had interpreted more trust into their relation, then there actually was. Then, he sighed in defeat and whispered quietly: “Musicals.”

His shoulders were raised as if he expected her to laugh at him and this moment, Rafael was the insecure one. Something, she had never seen of him, but then he blinked confused, when she did not. He looked up and Catherine smiled fondly.

“I love Musicals.”, she said with adoration in her voice. “I was able to see Phantom of the Opera in London. It was amazing. Afterwards, I totally had to buy the book.”

“There’s a book?” Rafael asked and the honest excitement in his voice was refreshing. Catherine smiled and nodded.

“Phantom of the Opera by Susan Kay. It’s not the original book the musical is based on, but it’s very close. It describes the Phantom’s, Erik’s, life from birth to death. It’s written from the perspective of his contemporaries. A few chapter’s out of Christine’s for example. It’s quite exquisite. I could borrow it to you.”

“I would love to.” His eyes lighten up and smiled gratefully. “Thank you.”

“Sure.”

“What’s your favourite book?”

“Hmmm…that’s quite difficult.”, she mused. “There are many I adore. I grew up with Harry Potter and it has a special place in my heart. Actually, I like all books, which go in this direction. There is the Inheritance Cycle by Christopher Paolini, Bartimaeus by Jonathan Stroud. I have to admit, I never read those classics, you likely read. No Virginia Wolf or other supposed to be great authors. I was too young for those books and after I escaped, I wanted to read light, happy stuff, if I had the time to.”

“I understand.” Rafael nodded. “Maybe, I should get away from those classics. Broaden my horizon. Would you mind, if I borrow some more?”

“Not at all.”, she said surprised. She was used that most would see those books as invaluable next to other authors. She would have never expected a man in Rafael’s age actually showing interest in reading them. In those little moments, when Rafael truly showed interest in her, she felt confirmed in her decision to trust him. Just like her, he was not a person to trust quickly, but when he did, he would move mountains for this person, though he often did not know, how to show it. “If you recommend some of your books to me.”

From then on, it went on like this. They were asking each other laughably superficial questions, while drinking water. Soon, the atmosphere became relaxed once again, the room was filled with laughter and both enjoyed every moment of it. It was one of the moments, Catherine did not care, how their relation started or how huge the age gap was. Moments like this one here made her believe, they were friends. That this relation was not one sided and she meant as much to him as he did to her. At one point, though, Rafael looked at his watch and sighed.

“I’m afraid, I have to continue working.”

“No worry, I understand.” Catherine could not prevent to feel a little sad tingle, but she was glad, he had found a bit time for her.

“Thank you, Catherine, for this. It was just, what I needed.” She nodded to him and stood up, walking towards the wardrobe, but Rafael cleared his throat and made her stop. Catherine turned back around to him. “Do you allow me one last question?”

“Sure.”

“What was the hidden purpose of this visit?” His eyes dark eyes watched her thoughtfully. Catherine frowned in confusion and tilted her head. “It’s not like, I didn’t like this spontaneous visit and you truly saved my life tonight, but I sensed a bit of sadness hidden deep inside of you. Or am I wrong?”

Catherine stopped within her movement and thought. She did not have the impression, but there must have been something. Rafael had a fine sense, when something was wrong. He instinctively knew, when the spoken words and truth did not fit together. Maybe there was a hidden purpose within this action, which she had not realised yet.

“No, you are not.”, she finally admitted to herself. She lowered her eyes for a moment. “We’ve both been very busy lately with work and haven’t seen each other.”

“I know, but there’s nothing bad about it.”

“No, it’s not. I just realised, how much I missed it. How much I like spending time with you.” She still could not look into his eyes. It was another step closer to him and it offered him another weak point of her. But she could still feel his surprised eyes on her, but she could also sense, it was not a shocked surprise. Just a surprise.

“I do, too.”, he said softly and walked up to her. In this moment her heart felt light from great sorrow. Although Rafael had asked for the next meeting more than once, her anxiety always had left her insecure, if he truly wanted to spend time with her. Softly, he looked into her eyes and Catherine had the feeling, he would touch her cheek, were they not in his office with these glassy doors. There was no room for a lie in his eyes. However, she was able to, she had grown on this ambitious, rational man, who had never seen necessity to let anyone close- except Olivia. Maybe this was the reason, why he moved easily in the upper class. He had never been much interested in the game of popularity and never let himself get entwined, when it was not for a case. He was the observer at the Bar with a Brandy in his hand and analysing, what he saw and how to use it. A lesson, which he likely had learned in the Bronx. His distance offered him a distance, which offered him a sharp perception and he did not shy away to use them. It was sink or swim and both of them learned it early in life. One mistake, showing a moment of weakness could be the end. That was why they needed that long to reach this point., to step out of early learned behaviours and revealing the true person behind their roles. Figuratively, they trusted their life to the other.

“What got you worried, Catherine?”, Rafael asked calmly. He had got used to her falling silent and analysing the situation.

“When my master is going to start in two weeks, we likely see each other even less.”, she murmured and averted her eyes. “I’m afraid, we’re going to drive apart and therefore loose touch. I came here to have at least one last, funny evening with each other. No anxiety, no heavy topics. Just the two us enjoying each other company.”

“Oh, Catherine.”, he exhaled softly and squeezed her shoulder. “It won’t happen, if we don’t want to.”

“You can’t promise that.”

“No.”, Rafael admitted and Catherine lowered her shoulders in sadness. “But we’re both stubborn, we’ll find a way. And we can text each other.”

“It’s not the same.”, she replied vehemently. Rafael frowned.

“It sounds like you want it to happen.”

“No!” Catherine’s head jerked up and she starred at him like a dive into a rifle. Her breathing came intermittently. Rafael smiled, because of her strong reaction.

“Then don’t doom us, before it happened. We’ll find a way. We already did quite a few times. It might not be weekly anymore, but it is not going to decrease the value of it. We both know, how stressful like can be and won’t take it personally, right? It would be an evidence of incapacity, if this would be all necessary.” Rafael smiled warmly and squeezed her arm comfortingly. Catherine chuckled and shook her head in amusement:

“I can’t believe it, you’ve turned into an optimist, Rafael.”

“It’s still realism.” He shrugged and his tone said the topic war done for him.

“If you think so. I hope you’re gonna be right and your realism will prove my pessimism wrong.” Her eyes wandered o the clock on the wall and noticed that another fifteen minutes had passed. “I’m sorry. I won’t keep you from your work any longer.”

“It’s fine.” Before he was able to reply or even turned around, Rafael had pulled her close and gently pressed her head against his shoulder. This time, she did not startle and therefore noticed the fine scent of cedar. He smelled like a forest after rain- fresh, pure, elegant, comforting and strong. Deeply entwined was a hint of citrus. It was a pleasant scent, not importunate. It suited his overall experience. “Good night, Catherine, and thank you once again. I really appreciate your consideration.”

“You’re welcome.” Catherine dissolved and pulled on her ponytail, because it had become loose. “Good luck with the trial tomorrow. Got my fingers crossed.”

“It will have nothing to do with luck, but still appreciated.” Catherine sighed and watched him through the corners of her eyes, while she turned to the door.

“Good-bye, Rafael, and please, look after yourself.”

“I promise.”, he said, while he sat down on his desk. Catherine breathed out in relief and smiled happily. She was concerned about his well-being. Stress was something common to him and Catherine feared, he would not notice the alarm signals of his body or that he would overestimate himself. Just, when she was about to leave, he called her back. “Oh, Catherine.”

“Yes?” She looked at him over her shoulder.

“The next time, we’ll meet at your place and watch one of those Marvel movies. Choose wisely.” Catherine could not believe it and starred at him agape like fish, which had no idea, what happened. But then, her face light up brightly at him, she was likely been mistaken with the sun.

“Challenge accepted.” With feathery steps, she left the law firm and grinned widely at Shauna, when she passed her. How could they had possibly known, it would never come to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any Marvel fan's here? I'm wondering, which movie Rafael could like. I'm torn between Ironman, Dr. Strange and Guardians of the Galaxy. For Ironman speaks, he has the same humor and is intelligent enough, but he might be too arrogant for Rafael at times. For Dr. Strange are quite the same things like for Ironman, but it is a bit for fantastical. Guardians on the other hand are something completely new to him and therefore likely refreshing, but it might be too much for him.  
> So, if you get one movie of the MCU to show Rafael, which one would you choose?
> 
> Anyway, see you next weekend. Have a great Saturday. Subaru :)


	10. From dying hope and finding a friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life goes on, and so Catherine and Rafael drift apart until another unfortunate event brings them back together.

Summer turned into autumn. The green leaves turned brown and the heat was exchanged by a comfortable warmth. Time went on and so did life. As the seasons faded into each other, Rafael and Catherine drifted apart just like she had feared. Catherine once compared it with a summer flirt and had laughed about it. It lasted for a summer and then was over. She would have been surprised, if a true friendship had developed out of it. They got along, she could not deny it, but they were too different for anything else. She was fine with it. It had been occupation, combined with some fun and great restaurants. It had been good as long as it lasted. That was just how life was. There were different acquaintances for different phases of life. Some were suitable and turned into friendship, some were just good for a moment. A fleeting, nice one, which disappeared like sand in the wind. How could they have been one of those rarities? They were too different and that was fine. At least she wanted to convince herself to believe this. Her heart was another story entirely.

Barba had started to settle in and get used to his new life. Finally, his house was furnished to his liking and he found a rhythm in his new job. The world did not stop turning, when he left New York. He still missed it at times, but he stopped comparing those phases of life. Nothing could last forever. He learned that early in life and often it was better to move on. He had made his decision fully aware of the consequences. It would not help bothering, if it had been wrong. There was no way to turn back time and if there was, he was not sure, if he would do it differently. He had sacrificed everything for his job- he did so gladly- but maybe it was time to live a little.

Those thoughts appeared to him, while Catherine had showed him LA.  Every time they had met each other, she had been full of life. Her traumata taught her to appreciate every moment given. She had learned to slow down and enjoy everything, even if those were small things. Like the sweet taste of ice cream, the wind ruffling through the hair and the sun on her skin. That was something Rafael had not known before. His life had been on the fast line for almost all of his life. Many coffee-to-goes were swallowed down without even noticing them. How much had he eaten without tasting the flavour? Now, he enjoyed to take time, while his job still required fastness. Often, he sat on his terrace with a tea or scotch- depending on how work had been- and simply watched the sunset and appreciated all those intense colours on the sky. Or he listened to the song of the ocean.

At first, he felt uneasy like he was on withdrawal. He had not been able to sit still, always wondering, what he had forgotten to take care of, but soon, he had realised, how relaxing it was and how even his brain started to take a break. His thoughts started to slow down, when he relaxed. He was grateful Catherine taught him that lesson and without killing Drew- how blasphemous it might sound- he would not have learned it, until it was too late. He did not like this conclusion, because it sounded like he had traded Drew’s life for his. This was not the case. It was rather that the decision and its consequences had forced him to reflect his life.

Rafael slid the glass door to his terrace close and walked barefooted into the kitchen to put his glass into the dishwasher. It was Friday night. The sun left to warm the other half of the earth. The former clear night sky started to be filled with dark clouds and the wind increased. It was supposed to rain tonight with the probability of a thunderstorm.

Barba was cooking a tea, when the first raindrops hit the window of his kitchen. Slowly, they slid down on the glass and drummed in a lazily, yet growing rhythm. The palms behind his terrace were bowing to the wind, dancing with it. It was clear that there was going to be a storm tonight. Barba looked out, while dipping the teabag up and down. He knew it was nonsense, but it became a habit of his to get everything out of it, though that was not, how osmosis worked. The warm, light scent of camomile was floating through the air. It was the perfect way to let a workweek end. Barba chuckled amusedly about himself. When did he start to drink tea instead of coffee? Coffee had been his lifeblood ever since college. It seemed like he was becoming older and calmer. He did not need the stress anymore. It was still hard to leave New York behind at some points and a fresh start was not easy, but maybe it would be good for him.

The timer on the kitchen counter pinged, announcing the end of the steeping time. Barba threw the teabag away and carefully drank the first sips, the taste of the fresh herbs dancing over his tongue. The rain outside became stronger and the drops drippled mercilessly onto the roof of his house. Barba observed, how dark clouds swallowed the full moon completely, the drops now sounding like war drums of an ancient African tribe. He felt pity for those, who needed to be outside by this weather.

Barba moved with his cup to his living room, which was the biggest room in his house and represented its centre. Everyone entering the house entered a little floor, which was open to this room. Left from it, there was one arm of the house, leading to two bedrooms, both with an own bath ensuite. Barba was using the bigger one on the southside as his office. Above them was the master bedroom on the second floor. To the right side of the living room was the open kitchen with a TV corner, the washing room, separate entrance and a passage to the garage. The layout was so much different and bigger than he was used in New York. Often enough he was annoyed, how far he needed to walk in his own house to get into his office or his car. He was not used to have that much space. Although his flat had been big comparing to New York standards, the house was at least twice the size. To be honest, it was way too big for a single person, but if he had a chance to have a house with its private beach area, who could say no to this? And his new council paid well for getting him to work for them. Why not enjoying the luxury then?

The living room was furnished with a sitting arrangement right in the middle in front of a fire place- who would ever use it in Malibu? - and was opened towards the ocean through a gigantic glass terrace door. Barba had decided to make himself a reading lounge there with his black leathern armchair and plastering the wall towards the staircase with a high, but slim bookshelf. The only disadvantage of this house- next to its size- was that he needed around 45 minutes to his workplace, if there was no rush hour. Luckily, he was more like a consultant. He was advising the other lawyers in the council and therefore was able to work at home a lot or was rather flexible in his work time- well, as flexible as a lawyer can be with all the deadlines from court. Yeah, life had noticeably slowed down for him, but it also came a bit lonelier than before. In New York, he had always been around people. It was either other workers from the DA’s office, people from politics, the squad of the SVU or the victims and criminals. It had always been loud and busy just like the city itself and Rafael had played along with it without any hesitation, without a second thought. It was life he had been used to since birth, but right here, he noticed just how stressful and yet exciting and rich of experience it had been.  Now, he had almost none of it anymore. He rarely had meetings, the working hours were pretty regular and it was such a dramatic change, he still felt overwhelmed at times.

That was, to be honest, why he had been glad to meet Catherine again. She was a link to the life he left behind, without being a too strong reminder of what it had been like. He also found her presence enjoyable and liked getting out of his house, which felt way too big at times.

Rafael sighed and put the cup down onto his coffee table. Just like now. It was a Friday evening and he had nothing to do. This time had always been the busiest back in New York. There were either any events he had needed to attend, another case or Catherine had showed him around. For the first time, with the storm raging outside, shaking at his house like the wolf in the fairy-tale with the three pigs, he felt the urge to lighten up the fire place. So, he did so and sank down into the couch in front of it. It took some time until the fire grew strong enough to provide the cosy warmth Rafael was longing for. The storm had grown stronger over the time, the palm trees bowing from side to side in the wind. For a while, he simply watched, how the palm trees fought against the weather. Moments like this only increased the feeling of comfort within him. He leaned back into his couch and held the cup of tea to his mouth, slowly swallowing the warm liquid. It was to see the storm outside once in a while, instead of in his head. Rafael had always been quick with his mind, but that lead to the thoughts running through his head and he often felt like in the centre of a storm.

Ten minutes later, the clock in in his living room was just announcing it was quarter to ten, he had drunk up his tea and stood in front of his book-shelf. His fingers glided over the back of the books, wondering, which should be his date for tonight. His eyes feel onto a book covered in a deep blue and a dragon with scales in the same colour, looking amusingly at the reader. It was the first book of the Inheritance Tetralogy, which Catherine hat wanted to borrow him. They had not had the chance yet and at one point, he saw it in a book shore, he had passed- likely, because a new addition was about to come out- and he brought it. It was book, which stood out compared to all the other ones in the book, but so did Catherine. Maybe, he should give it a try. Carefully, he opened the book and began to read, while he moved back to his couch:

_Eragon knelt in a bed of trampled reed grass and scanned the track with a practiced eye. The prints told him that the deer had been in the meadow only a half-hour before. Soon they would bed down. His target, a small doe with a pronounced limp in her left forefoot, was still with the herd. He was amazed she had made it so far without a wolf or bear catching her._

It probably was not going to be the literally most ambitious piece of work, but probably did not intent to be. Rafael did some research. A lot of critics complained, it contained a lot of similarities to Lord of the Rings and Star Wars, but he did not mind too much. The author had only been fifteen, when he started to write it. Of course, he would be taking inspiration from stories, he had liked so far and the way Catherine talked about it, it still might be a fanciful read. It had everything a good young adult story needed. The world’s fate on the line, dragons, elves, magic, a brave hero, who acted more than he thought and with whom they could identify. Another, adventurous world next to the strict every day life of a teenager. He snorted in disapproval. Fantasy had never been Rafael’s world. He did not like anything irrational. For most people, those stories were a way to get away from their life, to experience, what they would never be able to. They could lose themselves in them and made an illusion part of their reality, but for him, these stories made him even more aware of his misery. There was no magic in the world, which could rescue you. There were no mythical creatures, which you could befriend and conquer the world with. Reality was cruel and hard and fleeing into another world would not change a thing. If you want to get it solve, you had to do it on your own.

Maybe, though, he had not like them, because they made him feel disappointed. His life had been rough and there had been no heroes showing up on his door sill, holding out their hand and take him for an adventure. He was not the chosen one, no dragon had appeared to burn everyone, who had tried to hurt him. No matter how long he had sat on the window bench and stared into the moon and star, nothing had changed. Dreams stayed dreams and reality was reality. They would never become one, no matter how hard the infant inside him had longed for it and in the end, it had hurt too much to be faced with the grey world after a night of colorful adventures. Sometimes, he wished the innocence back, which was necessary to enjoy these stories. It needed a soul full of hope and dreams, but he had none of it anymore. He had become too disenchanted to endure them. They showed to clear, what he had lost due to his heritage. For a moment, Rafael closed his eyes and smiled melancholy. Maybe, this was going to change. Catherine’s joy and excitement could be quite infectious. Even when she talked about topics, which were irrelevant to him, her eyes shining brightly, he felt her fascination for them and it made him care as well. Normally, he would be deathly annoyed, when he was uninterested, but to hear the passion in her voice, made him happy. Catherine had decided, she would use the colours of these stories to paint her black world. She had created an overlap between reality and fiction to get back, what she had lost. She took her strength out of them. When someone in the book was rescued or defeated the enemy, so was she. She became one with the written words.

The thunder crushed over his house and shook it violently. Rafael opened his eyes again and looked into the darkness, which swallowed everything of the normally beautiful view. Which titans had decided to clash into each other to cause this apocalypse? A quiet chuckle rumbled through his chest and he shook his head. Then, he picked up the book and continued reading, willing to find, what Catherine had found between those written lines.

When he reached the part, when Saphira had just hatched, he was interrupted by the doorbell. He almost startled, when he was forcefully pulled out of the world of Alagaesia and it felt like waking up from a very vivid dream. Who the hell would be ringing at this time and despite this _weather_? No one had visited his home, yet. He barely had any contact with the neighbours? Was there a black out because of the storm? No, his lights were still on. Quickly, but carefully, he rested the book on his coffee table, pulled down his sweatshirt from Harvard and walked to the door. He wanted to grumble, who disturbed him, but the words died in his throat, when he saw the intruder.

A flash glistened sharply and lightened a miserable version of Catherine. She was soaked to the bone and shivering from the cold, her hair had fallen in fat strands into her face. Her arms were wrapped protectively around her and her fingers clenched tightly into her skin, but the most shocking was the expression in her face. Her eyes were puffy, from crying and she gasped for air, obviously close to hyperventilating. She tried to speak, but her tears drowned the words and she looked helplessly at him as if she would break down any minute.

“Catherine…”, he whispered stocked and yet, he was paralysed It had been a long time since he had seen her that miserable, he did not know, how to handle it. Both of them were frozen in time, starring into each other eyes.

“I’m…I’m sorry to disturb you.”, Catherine spoke with great effort and with a voice hoarse from screaming. It sounded as if she was learning the words, while she spoke. They were careful, slow and entwined with great pain and it broke Rafael’s heart. The light in her eyes, he had just thought about, had died at least for now. In front of him stood the broken, mistreated puppet, which had just escaped the nightmare once again. Catherine sniffed, tried to control her breathing to make sure, he was able to understand her. “Didn’t know, where to go. Can I…can I…”

She hesitated, when her voice broke from tears and lowered her gaze. She was thinking of herself as a burden again. Had time of not meeting each other that to them again? Did it tear them apart again? All those steps they had taken were undone and the canyon gaped blatantly obvious between them. Catherine stood on the other side, helpless and alone once again and Barba wanted nothing more than to reach out and pull her over again, but it would feel like violence to her.

“Can I come in?” Her azure eyes met his dark ones insecurely and everything behind her iris pleaded him to rescue her. This intense gaze made him finally snap out of paralysation.

“Of course.”, he assured quickly, hopefully making sure it stood out of question. Immediately, Rafael wrapped an arm around her and led her inside. For a moment, they stood in the middle room and he thought about what to do. He should probably dry her. She must have been out for hours in this storm. Just when he wanted to hurry over to the guest bathroom to get a blanket, Catherine broke. She spinned around and pressed herself into him, clenching onto his sweater as if he was a cliff in the stormy ocean. Her cries echoed mercilessly through the silence of his big house and shattered his heart. Instantly, he wrapped his arms protectively around her and started to rock her soothingly, while holding her close. His heart pounded in his chest and his mind raced, when he imagined, what might have happened. There it was again. The strong urge to shield her from everyone trying to harm her. Yet, every sob of her felt like a stab into his heart. Soon, tough, he was able to switch back into crisis management mode. It was not the time for him to drown in thoughts, he needed to act and help her, _now_. First, he needed to get her dry, otherwise, she would catch a cold. He looked around and discovered a woollen blanket within reach. Carefully, he dissolved just a little, but Catherine noticed immediately. She startled in fear and widened her eyes.

“Shh…”, Rafael whispered comfortingly. “It’s okay. I won’t go.”

Catherine starred at him with eyes dull and broken. There was not even a fragment of her soul shining through, while tears flowed down her cheeks. It appeared like she was withdrawing into herself. Rafael squeezed his eyes shut, but pushed his worry aside. With a quick movement, he grabbed the grey blanket and wrapped Catherine as tightly as possible in it. She still starred at him, but Rafael was not sure, if she was noticing anything. At least she showed no reaction, when he thoroughly rubbed her hair with the blanket. A little spark ignited in her eyes, when warmth started to spread through her body.

“Catherine, listen to me.” Rafael cupped her cheek and made her look into his eyes. Maybe he could make her snap out of whatever movie was running through her head. “We need to get you dry. Do you understand?”

She blinked at him slowly, but then nodded. Rafael breathed out in relief.

“We have 3 possibilities. Nod after everyone, so I know, you understood.”, he said forcefully. Hopefully, it was going to bring her back. Instinctively, he was scanning her body of any injuries, but he felt relieved, when he did not find any. “Number one, we are going to sit down and you tell me, what happened.”

He raised his pointer and waited for her to react. Catherine still stared blankly into his eyes and Rafael did not notice, how he was holding his breath. Just when his chest became tight, he breathed out to tame the emotions fighting for control inside him. Finally, Catherine nodded.

“Second, I’ll quickly get a towel and some clothes from me and then we sit down.” Another finger was risen. He waited again, but this time, Catherine nodded quicker than before and even a bit of life returned into her eyes.

“And third, you’ll take a shower and meanwhile, I’ll make you a hot tea. Which one do you choose?”

Silence. His words needed time to get through her. She likely was still caught in whatever happened. Then, Catherine closed her eyes for a moment.

“Second…” Her normally lively voice was alarmingly lifeless. Even the current AI’s sounded more authentic than she did in this moment. “But can I have a hot chocolate with it?”

Rafael had to control himself not to bark a laugh. That was so typical Catherine. He had not offered a hot drink with the second variance. He smiled fondly at her and nodded.

“Of course. Come, sit down. I’ll be right back.” He tugged on her hand and gently sat her down on his couch. For a moment, he hoovered over her, making sure she was not going to break down again or ask him to stay. His eyes scanned her again, but she only appeared thoughtful, not completely devastated anymore. That was good. She slowly got her control back and her long-learned patterns in crisis situations returned. He suspected, she would not had broken down, if there had not been someone, she could trust in. On her own, she would have never allowed herself to let emotions overflood her.

Then, he dissolved from her and hurried over to one of the spare bathrooms, grabbing a big towel, ignoring the tooth glass he threw over, and then got a jogging trouser and hoodie of him, which likely would be way too large. At least, she could hide herself in it. He returned and found her hurled together on the couch. Every vulnerable part of her body was covered and her head was buried against her knees. Rafael sighed sadly and kneeled in front of her. Gently, he raised her head and stroked a damp stand of hair out of her face.

“Here.”, he whispered and laid the clothes and towel on the couch. “You can change, while I make your hot chocolate.”

Rafael prayed, he still had chocolate in the house. He was not completely sure anymore. He did not cook that often and was not a fan of chocolate.

“Just leave your clothes somewhere. I gonna put them in the dryer afterwards.” Catherine nodded and whispered:

“Thank you, Rafael.”

“Of course. No worry.” He smiled and then left for the kitchen to make his first hot chocolate in over twenty years. Why the hell had he not looked closer, when Olivia had made one for Noah?

The milk almost burnt. _Almost_. But it could have gone worse, Rafael guessed. When he came back, Catherine had changed into his clothes, which hang on her like a sack, and the towel wrapped around her head. Her hands had disappeared into the sleeves and she watched the storm, though she likely did not see any of it.

“Here.” Rafael handed her the cup with the steaming hot chocolate. “Be careful, it’s hot.”

Catherine looked up and raised an eyebrow slightly, likely thinking: ‘Obviously.’

Rafael was glad to see a little bit of fire back in her eyes.

“I’ll put your clothes in the dryer, okay?”

“Okay…”, she whispered. Rafael nodded and squeezed her shoulder briefly. Then, he gathered all her wet clothes and threw them in the dryer. Catherine was taking her first, careful sip from the warm chocolate, when he returned. Rafael pulled his coffee table closer to her to sat down in front of her. Catherine averted her eyes and starred into the brown liquid.

“Are you ready to tell me, what happened?” Rafael leaned forward and tilted his head. He prayed to God, although he did not believe in him, that she was not raped again.

“Not what you’re thinking.” Catherine took a deep breath and drank her hot chocolate. Rafael sighed in relief, but then turned silent, because he had no idea, what else could have upset her.

“A lot…” She paused and frowned, thinking on how to start. Rafael stayed silent and just waited for her, until she found the words. “A lot has happened, since the last time we met. I wasn’t able to tell you, but I have a boyfriend.”

Rafael blinked in confusion. That was not the start he would have expected. In any way. He could not prevent a “Really?” coming from his mouth. Catherine turned her head away to stare outside. The storm was slowly decreasing, but the flashes still pieced through the night sky. “His name was Nathan. He was my lab partner in forensic microbiology. It was all incredibly normal and cheesy. He…he was nice, charming, funny.”

Rafael frowned due to the choice of her words. He was surprised, she was talking about a man he did not know about him. Normally, Catherine told him everything.

“I felt comfortable around him and I noticed, how easily he made my wall crumble with his natural charisma. For the first time in over ten years, it truly felt like I was normal. Not like damaged ware. Do you understand, what that means to me, Rafael?”

“No, I can’t understand, because I haven’t been through the hell, you had to endure.” Rafael answered honestly. “But I think, I can imagine, how liberating it must.”

He gently rested a hand on her arm and an uneasy feeling was boiling inside of him. He got a suspicion, what had happened and if he was right, it would be as devastating for her as her torment.

“We had fun together and went on a couple of dates. And…” She stopped, blinked a few times and then lowered her shoulder. “And I just realised that’s all completely irrelevant and you likely don’t want to hear it.”

“Catherine, stop!” Rafael gently shook her, Catherine startled and turned her head at him. He had been forceful, but Catherine was about to become obsessed with old patterns again. When he got her attention, he became soft again. “You’re not testifying. It’s not about being efficient. You can tell me as much or as less as you want. And if you want to tell me for half an hour, why he was so nice, I’m going to listen. It’s about you not me.”

“Rafael.”, she whispered astonished and a tear rolled out of her right eye. Rafael smiled warmly and cupped her hand, which still clenched into the cup. The chocolate had turned cold by now, but Rafael knew she needed the cup to hold onto something. Rafael gently stroked the back of her hand and waited once again patiently. Catherine took a deep breath and seem to take comfort out of his little action, then she continued with a voice, that was far away. “We had a great time together…”

She obviously felt guilty about talking positively about this time, while Rafael had been with her beforehand.

“I’m glad, you were able to see the nice side of life.”, he said to dismiss her fear. She should not worry about something that trivial. It touched him, how much, she cared for him even in those situations. Blue eyes starred at him, trying to assess, if he truly meant it.

 “But?”, he asked, when Catherine showed no sign of continuing. She blinked once again several times, her body tensing just in the slightest way and almost not able to notice. Tough, he had an idea, what she was about to say. “Around a month later, the easiness started to feel strange to me, but I couldn’t name it.”

 “What did he do?”, Rafael asked and could hardly supress the anger in his voice. Rafael furrowed his forehead in concern and the typical wrinkles appeared between his brow. An uneasy feeling was curling inside him. Although she had described Nathan in the most positive way, his inner alarm bell rang. She did not tell him this to bring him up to date. It had something to do with her breakdown and if Nathan had hurt her, he would hate this man. Catherine did not deserve to be disappointed again, when she was about to find a way back into normality.

“There was nothing in particular. It was just a feeling slowly rising from deep inside me, but I wasn’t sure, whether I should trust my inner alarm bell.”

“I have a feeling, you should have.”, he whispered and his heart sank. Finally, she had been able to discover the true nature of love. Rafael knew every romantical and sexual experience of her had been forced. Everything about the most beautiful emotion in the world had been brutal and she longed for someone showing her the true meaning of it. She wanted to understand, why it was part of almost every creative work in the world. Nathan had appeared like the perfect opportunity and that made her give up her protecting wall faster than ever before. Now, no matter, what he had done, her experience will be tainted again. She did not deserve it. No one did, but especially not her. She had got hope, but then it was torn apart and buried. No matter what happened, it had the potential to destroy her. Somehow, Rafael was glad, they had met. At least, she had someone, she could talk about it. Someone, who would not use her for anything, who had no ill intention. Maybe, he could save her from breaking down and becoming a hollow shell. Nothing more than a robot, walking around, living and yet not, empty of emotion and she was a too kind person to be lost.

“You’re right.”, she admitted and gulped. It was hard for her to admit. She still hoped it was a kind of misunderstanding, but the pain in her eyes said, there was no chance for it. It was just a foolish hope she clanged onto, although her brain called her heart stupid for it. “He started to become…pushy.

“Pushy?” His frown deepened even more. “Did he hurt you?”

“No.” Catherine shook her head and the towel on her head got out of place. “But I felt the impatience coming from him. I haven’t told him, what was done to me. I didn’t know, how to. How do you say something like this? I was afraid, he would shy away from me and I liked the feeling he gave me too much to risk it. I didn’t want him to pity me as well. It felt like I could finally leave it behind, becoming a normal woman.”

She bit her bottom lip and slid it through her teeth.

“Today, I finished off work earlier, because I wanted to surprise him. I brought dinner and thought, we might go a bit further, but…” Catherine tried to say the next word, but she could not. She put the cup away and buried her head in her hands. Rafael leaned forward and rested his hand comfortingly on her back. He knew exactly, what Nathan had done and he truly despised him, now. The fingers of his other hand clenched into a fist and cut into his palm.

“I came back home…and caught him with another woman…in my bed.” She broke down again, her fingers clenching into her hair, tugging a few out. Painful tears streamed down her face and her voice quivered violently. The sound tore his heart apart. “I was so stupid, Rafael. I shouldn’t have trusted him so quickly. I should’ve been more careful.”

The blue of her eyes became watery, when tears dwelled in them and her throat appeared to be too tight for her words. She gulped and clenched so strongly on the cup that the surface started to quiver.

“No, Catherine, you weren’t.”, he said vehemently and sat down next to her. Rafael pulled her into his arms and hugged her to him. Gently, he cradled his hand in her hair and rocked her soothingly. Catherine buried her head into his shoulder and clung on him once again. Rafael felt, how her tears seeped through the fabric of his sweater. “It’s not your fault.”

“You know, what was the worst?”, she asked with a husky, trembling voice. “When I threw them out, Nathan shouted, he wouldn’t have done it, if I weren’t that prude.”

“Oh, Cath…” Rafael sighed softly and tugged her protectively under his chin. He wanted to protect her from the pain, close her off from everything. Neither of them noticed the nickname, he had just used. “I’m so sorry. But you know, he’s wrong.”

“My mind does, but my heart doesn’t. It’s still programmed on blaming me for everything.” She sniffed. “It hurts so much, Rafael. I…I feel like, I’m shattering. I don’t know, if I can take it.”

“You don’t need to. Not for now.”, he whispered and started to stroke through her hair. Catherine tensed slightly, but then relaxed into his embrace, allowing him to comfort her. Rafael felt the vibrations of her quivering through his chin. He wanted to do something to help her, but he knew, there was not much more he could possibly do. All he could was to hold her and giving her company. “But you’re strong, you’ll get through it.”

“At least one believes it.”, she said dryly and barked a laugh. “I’m not so sure and I’m starting to wonder, what I’m doing wrong to attract those bad guys.”

“You did and do nothing wrong, Cath.”, he negated. “There are many scumbags out there. You just happen to have bad luck.”

Catherine sighed and nodded, tough she likely was not convinced, but she was too tired and worn out to discuss it. Instead, she closed her eyes.

“Shall I have a talk with him?”, Rafael suggested and both were aware, it was just a nice way of saying, he wanted give Nathan hell.

“No, no need, Rafael. He’s not worth to sully your hands.” She stayed silent for a moment. “But thank you for offering.”

Rafael nodded on her head and held her tight. Normally, Rafael had often felt overwhelmed in situations like this, but it seemed like he had learned more than he thought in his time with the SVU. His Hispanic temperament still wanted to hurt Nathan in some way, although he could not have known, how far-reaching the consequences for her would be. He could not have known he might destroy her. He was not an arse, he was an idiot, who ditched an incredible woman for one night of fun. But ignorance was no excuse in law. He believed in that, but he might not be objective. There was no way in denying, he cared for her. Catherine had become important to him. He wanted to protect her. Rafael held her close and watched, how the storm faded, while she cried all her pain out.

Ten minutes later, the weather cleared and calmed down. The thunder only growled in the distance. The flashes had disappeared and left darkness behind. Catherine hiccupped and slowly, her tears dried as well. There were not any left. Slowly, she dissolved and wiped the tears out of her eyes.

“I’m sorry, Rafael. I didn’t want to burden you, but I had no one, I could’ve turned to. You’re the only one, who knows everything.” She smiled slightly and leaned back against him. Rafael widened his eyes surprise. It was the first time, she actively searched for his closeness. All the other times, he had to take the first step, before she allowed herself, to surpass this step. It was her form of getting the consent. “It seems like you’re the only one, I can trust.”

Rafael wrapped his arms around her again and rested his head on hers.

“No worry.”, he assured. “That’s what friends are for.”

Catherine’s head jerked up and she almost hit his chin, but Rafael had expected the reaction and therefore avoided it. The peaceful and trustful atmosphere between them suddenly gone.

“Friend?”, she repeated falteringly. “Did you say friend?”

“I did. Isn’t that, what we are?” Catherine frowned and thought seriously about it.

“I don’t know…”, she said slowly, carefully, eyeing him like cautiously, trying to notice every little movement in his face. She did not want hurt him. “I haven’t been able to answer the question, what we are. To be honest, I was afraid to ask it.”

“Because I could’ve turned out, that one of us - likely you- see more in it than the other and it would therefore lead to problems.” Catherine nodded and lowered her eyes in shame. Rafael sighed heavily. It truly would take a lot time, until she would overcome these insecurities. He had expected it, for sure, but he could not deny it was exhausting at times. Catherine did not think bad of him, he was aware of it, but it hurt a little, how she was still fearing him. On the other hand, he had been the one she came to look for comfort. Would she not trust him, she would have tried to handle it on her own, covering her pain behind the mask, until the person behind it would shatter. Not this time. This time, she had looked for help and showed her vulnerable side, which still was the biggest sign of trust. If it felt that complicated for him, just how torn must she feel like? Maybe, he should put his own pride aside, because she was worth to be protected. She was precious, because she still loved humanity, although she had every right to hate it. She was willing to carry the pain and burden of others to make sure, they would never suffer as much as she did. Her rapist had tried to break her, but in the end, they only made her stronger and empathetic. If only she was able to see it herself, but her rapist had brainwashed her into believing, she as lesser worth than dirt.

The silence between them made the air appear too thick to breath, which was unpleasant. None of them knew, how to continue form here. There was another crossroad, but Catherine was fragile in this moment and Rafael did not know, how to handle it. Actually, Rafael had no idea, what to say. Although he had always been skilful in talking, in this very moment, the words failed him. The tiniest word, might it be spoken in unawareness, could cause huge damage to her and he did not want to be responsible for it. His eyes wandered to the fire, which had gone almost out during their talk. The burnt wood crackled and fall down. The ember scattered in hundreds of hot drops.

“What kind of a friend am I in your eyes?” The leather of his couch rustled, when she turned to him, likely a confused gaze in her eyes, but he did not look at her. Instead, he watched, how the warm light danced on his parquet. When Rafael was truly honest with himself, he was tensed, because he was a little afraid of her answer. Catherine thought about it for quite a while. She had never answered a question light heartedly. Catherine knew, how inconsiderate words could hurt and she would never do that to anyone.

“I think…”, she said slowly, thinking carefully about every word. “I think, you’re a person, who does not let anyone close easily. Likely, because you’ve seen, how many people aren’t trustworthy. A lot are social climbers, waiting for their chance and you were a potential aim. But I also believe, when you decide to be the friend with someone, you’re loyal.”

Rafael smiled, when he heard her assessment. To his own surprise, he felt relieved.

“You’re right. I prefer to stay distant to others. I don’t trust quickly. Have I opened up to you?”

“Yes.” She lowered her head, when she slowly understood, what he tried to achieve.

“I care for you. Do you believe me to be a person to say this light-heartedly?”

“No.” Shame dyed her voice dark. She had realised, how she made him appear as a bad person again. Rafael turned around to her and saw, he was right. Catherine had her head lowered and chewed on her bottom lip. She was a picture of misery and it tore at his heart. Rafael admitted to himself, he did not want to see her like this. He wanted to do everything to prevent it. Carefully, he pulled her back into his arms and hugged her tightly to him. Maybe, he was able to give her a feeling of safety like this, shielding her from anything evil  in the world and he knew, there was a lot out there. She was here because of it. In the first moment, Catherine startled like always, her body growing ridged in surprise, but soon it could not resist against the comfort of an embrace.

“You’re a friend to me, Cath.”, Rafael explained and pressed a gentle kiss into her brown hair. Once again, she startled like a frightened cat, when it was unsuspectedly stroked. She pulled away and stared at him with a mouth agape.

“Did you call me Cath?”, she asked and swallowed. Rafael frowned and just then noticed, how he had used the used the nickname unintentionally. The memory of their conversation at the lake appeared and he remembered something, she had said. Her brother had called her like this. “I’m sorry, Catherine. I didn’t do it intentionally. I know, Jeffrey used to call you like this. I won’t do…”

“No.” Catherine shook her head and finally looked back up at him. Tears shone like crystals in her eyes and she blinked them away and smiled shyly, even a little blush shining on her cheeks. In this moment, she appeared as young as she had been, when she had been abducted. “Please, don’t. I…I was just surprised. I almost forgot this nickname and how good it feels to be called like this by a trusted person.”

With these words, she snuggled back into his arms, looking for warmth and protection, what Rafael gladly offered.

“I see you as a friend as well, Rafael.”, she whispered after a while. “I’m glad, we’ve met again.”

“Me too, Cath.” He pressed another kiss on top of her head. “Come on, it’s getting late. Let’s get some sleep and tomorrow, we’ll figure out, what to do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Catherine truly has a lot of bad luck :(


	11. The many faces of anxiety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How can you handle the ultimate betrayal done to you? Catherine tries to find out the next day and Rafael does his best to support her. None of them expected it to turn out like it did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like you to watch this video:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwk1uFM7dF0&list=PLdhgm3sxMd-DeJT6FFaA_y6a9FMb1WqQ6&index=10&t=0s  
> you gonna know, when you need it in the chapter :)

The next day Catherine woke up to the comfortable scent of scrambled eggs and coffee lingering in the air, mixing itself together with the salty air from the ocean. Her eyes flied open and she sat up straight. Those impressions did not suit to her flat at all and for brief moment, fear was coiling up deep in her guts and a cold shiver ran down her spine. Where was she? Catherine tried to chase away the muggy tiredness, that swallowed all of her memories. What happened last night? She looked around, but the room was dim and she could hardly recognize anything within it. The bed she laid in was a king-size with a comfortable, soft mattress and thin, silky sheets. She frowned and quickly slid out of the bed, as if she could escape her panic like this. She hurried over to the shutters and tried to open them with clumsy fingers. Several times she lost grip, but then finally, she was able to. In front of the window was a small terrace. A palm tree left from the window waved tiredly with its leaves and a few coconuts had fallen onto the creamy-coloured sand. The ocean rolled lazily over the shore, small, white crowns bubbling contently on the waves. A seagull screamed loudly, when it flew over her head and Catherine’s head jerked to follow its flight. The sight calmed her down a little. It was not the dark cellar room, she had been held captive in. Catherine breathed out and turned around. She was in a room as big as her living room, around twenty square meters, she would guess. The bed was faced towards the ocean, so it could be seen, while waking up. Its covers were coloured in the same dark, powerful blue as the one outside and offered a comfortable night rest. To her left was another door, which likely led to a bathroom. Next to the bed was built-in wardrobe. In the left corner, when entering the room, was a comfortable armchair out of red fabric.

Catherine blinked several times face at the sight of such luxury. Just this part of the house was almost as big as her entire flat. Where the hell was she? And how did she end up here? Could her brain please stop feeling anxious and starting to remember, what had happened? She would appreciate it. Catherine shook her head, trying to chase the dark clouds away, which kept her from her memories, but they were incredibly stubborn today. Just then, she realised the scent of breakfast hanging in the air and sniffed. Her stomach appreciated the effort of whomever was preparing it and rumbled to invite her to get something. Catherine sighed. Her stomach was quite difficult to convince. She was about to leave the room, when she walked past the mirror next to the door. Out of the corners of her eyes, she noticed, the clothes she was wearing did not belong to her. They were too big for her. The grey pant legs dragged over the parquet and the jogging jacket hang like a sack around her slim body. The scales fell from her eyes and her memories returned with a brutal might. She was at Rafael’s house, because Nathan had cheated on her. Catherine squeezed her eyes shut and hunched herself together because of her aching heart and soul. Tears pushed mercilessly against her eyelids and tried to set free, but she held them back. She could not deal with them, yet. She was not ready to face the brutal storm flood of pictures, questions and emotions. Her legs felt numb and jelly, just like the rest of her body. Her fingers clenched into the wood of the cupboards under the mirror and she used the pain to anchor herself in the present. This was not the time for drifting away or she would be a burden again.

Then, she discovered her clothes over the armrest of the chair. Rafael must had put them there, when she had been asleep. That was either nice or creepy. Or both? Catherine decided to go with nice for now. Hurriedly, she took off Rafael’s jogging suit and got back into her T-Shirt and denim. Would Rafael mind, if she went barefoot? It might be weird, but she had always liked feeling the natural ground under her feet. It felt like she was rebounding to the nature, when she was able to feel the cool, wet grass or the warm, loose sand under her feet and the wood, which adapted to her body temperature, felt soothing to her. One last look into the mirror and an encouraging nod towards her, then she left the room. She would do this just like always.

“Good morning.”, Catherine greeted Rafael, when entered the kitchen, her arm stretched out to ease her muscles.

“Morning.” Rafael stood in front of the stove and scrambled with the flipper through a big, black pan. The smell of fried eggs, herbs and heated fat intensified and Catherine saw bacon resting next to the stove, ready to be put to the eggs, which sizzled contently in the pan. Rafael briefly turned around to her and smiled warmly, before he focused back on not burning the eggs. “Did you sleep well?”

He wanted to sound casually, pretending like yesterday did not happen in many aspects, to not upset her. It was something she really appreciated of him. He always was far-seeing, having everything planned and organised long before it was happening. It showed, how many thoughts he always put into everything even in the tiniest action like wishing a good morning or preparing breakfast.

“I did indeed. Your spare bed is way more comfortable than my own.” Catherine sat down on the round dining table out of acacia wood. Her fingers ran absently over the smooth surface, while she watched Rafael, who laughed.

“Well, I’ve always valued a good sleep and because my job doesn’t allow me to have much, the bit I get must be refreshing. A bed of good quality is mandatory for it.” Rafael shrugged dismissively and tossed the pan professionally. Catherine hummed her agreement and took her time to look around. The kitchen was a warm mixture out of wooden and simple, modern elements in white. The floor was made out of tiles in granite optic. It conveyed a natural, harmonic picture, which made her feel at home and comfortable. A too modern furnish would likely feel out of place surrounded by the beauty of the ocean, but Rafael, or his interior designer, had been able to balance Rafael’s liking of dark wood types and modern elements.

On the other half of the room was a television corner with dark couch and armchair. Catherine found that rather strange to have the tv next to the kitchen, but she could understand, why Rafael did not put it in the living room. It would either replace the fireplace or stand right in front of the glass door towards the ocean. Every variance would have disturbed the impression of the house and one did not need a view over the ocean, while watching television. In a conversation it could be pleasant.

“Your house is beautiful.”, she said in astonishment and turned around on her axis to get an impression.

“Thank you.” Rafael sounded content and proud, but did not turn to her. The movements of the flipper became slower and Catherine noticed, how he hesitated to talk about something. His forehead was likely furrowed, tough she was not able to see it. “I heard hurried steps from your room. Are you alright?”

“Yeah.”, she sighed and ruffled through her hair, combing her hair provisory with her fingers. “Just the typical disorientation of waking up in a foreign place. It did not last long, tough, when I saw the ocean. I mean, if this the room, I would be held captive in, it could have been worse.”

It was supposed to be a joke, but her flat laughter did not help her to convince the very perceptive man. Rafael decreased the heat of the stove and turned around to her. His forehead laid in deep wrinkles. His eyes wandered over her and Catherine felt naked and vulnerable under his gaze. It was like his dark eyes could see through her body and into her soul. Then, he raised his eyebrow sceptically. In this moment Catherine realised, she would never be able to hide anything from him. Rafael would always see right through her. In his career as a prosecutor, he had seen every strategy of deceiving and would not be fooled by it. Especially, when it was as lousy as her own attempt.

“Don’t worry too much, Rafael.” Catherine looked into his eyes and smiled reassuringly. “It’s just, my brain needs quite a long time to work, when I wake up. Especially my short-term memory is not accessible then. I couldn’t remember, why I was in a foreign bed and that awoke my deeply grounded fear. It disappeared, when I opened the shutter and saw the ocean. When I’m in such a luxury place, it was likely, I wouldn’t be abducted again and then, I remembered, I’m in your place.”

Rafael stayed silent, his arms crossed over his chest and he still watched her sceptically. Catherine shrugged, because there was no more explanation, she could give him. Rafael seem to assess whether to believe it or not, but when the oil hissed angrily in the pan, the decision was made for him. He turned around and carefully let the bacon slide into the pan. The fat sizzled contently again and the wonderful smell of fried pork filled the room. Catherine’s mouth was watering.

“Could you please put the pot saucer on the table?”, Rafael asked four minutes later, when the bacon was crispy and pointed with the elbow to a corky pot saucer on the worktop, while lifting the pan from the stove.

“Sure.” Catherine hurried over, grabbing the freshly brewed coffee as well, which was within reach, and put both on the table.

“Thank you.” Rafael placed the pan on the pot saucer and then turned around to get two plates out of the cupboard. When he noticed, how Catherine already got the coffee and also grabbed two colourful cups. “Do you need milk?”

“Yes, please.” Rafael opened the fridge and handed her the milk. Catherine smiled at him, opened the carton and filled a little bit of milk into her coffee until the colour turned from almost black to almond-coloured. Catherine inhaled the scent of the roasted coffee beans, while Rafael dished the scrambled eggs and bacon.

“Good hunger.”

“Good hunger.” With these words they both started eating, the cutlery making metallic noises as it scraped over the plate. They ate for a while in a comfortable silence. Rafael’s eyes still hang on her, wondering, when the events of yesterday would get to her, she was aware of it. It was his way of caring. Always keeping an eye on her and likely playing through several scenarios in his head and how to help then. It still felt weird at times for her, to have someone, who looked after her. It was something she had missed in life even before being raped. The years before, she had to soft-pedal her needs due to Jeffrey’s illness. Although she had understood and gladly did so, sometimes in the dark of nights, she had felt neglected. She had been a teenager, in the time of turmoil, but she was left alone. No one to guide her, or who listened to her. It had felt like she was a ship in the ocean, which engine was broken and the tides had played their merciless game with.

“Rafael…”, Catherine said after a while, resting the cutlery on the plate. Rafael blinked and raised his head, the soft, yet slow tone in her voice concerning him. He tilted his head and braced his hands on the table. “Thank you.”

Rafael opened his mouth to dismiss it, but she shook her head to interrupt him, before he said the words, she did not want to hear. Catherine did not want her gratefulness to be dismissed as if it was a triviality. It was not for her and it seemed like he was not able to see, how much it meant for her. His friendship, his concern and caring were not a triviality to her.

“Not just for making me breakfast. For _everything_. I’m not easy and I don’t like, how often I get scared and take several steps back. I just wanted to thank you for keeping up with it, for enduring it all. Maybe, you’re even uncertain, how to behave around me, but you developed a good intuition, what I need. I just want you to know, I’m noticing, what you’re doing and I’m appreciating it, although I’m not always able to show it. _Thank you, Rafael._ ” Catherine closed her eyes, took a deep breath, when she put her soul, her everything, into those little words. It felt like it was time to give him something. Right now, she was only taking from this relation. Her throat became dry. She swallowed and a single tear slid out from under her lashes. She still was afraid, when she was opening up, afraid of the consequences it might bring to her, although she trusted Rafael the most, enough to come to him, when every bit of protection had been destroyed. His arms, his words, where like a second wall for her. Her protection. It felt like he would surround her and shield her from everything. It felt safe and warm and trusted. She wanted him to know, what it meant to her, although she still was not able to express it in any other way than those three simple words, but for her, they meant the world. Finally, she raised her eyes. Rafael starred at her with blown-wide eyes and it seemed like he understood, what she wanted to say with it. He always did.

Rafael stood up and walked around the table. He gently pulled Catherine out of the chair and hugged her close.

“You’re welcome, Cath.”, he whispered with a voice thick of emotions, then placed a soft kiss in her hair. “Everything is going to be alright. I promise. We’ll figure it out.”

“You said that yesterday, too. What do you mean with we’ll figure it out?”, she asked curiously. “What do we need to figure out? We’ll finish breakfast and then, I’ll leave for home.”

“I don’t think, it would be a good idea to go home today.”, Rafael mused and pushed her away just far enough to be able to look into her eyes. His irises shivered in concern. Carefully, he raised his hand to her face. He waited several moments to make sure, he would not startle her. Catherine did not avert her eyes, because she was not scared of him. She would never be scared of Rafael, her only friend. The only one, who saw through her and cared for her. The only one, who understood her and liked her with all her flaws and scars. When Catherine did not flinch, he gently cupped her cheek, his thumb stroking comfortingly over her high cheekbone. “You have PTSD, Cath, although you don’t want to admit it. I don’t think, you’ll be able to return home, now. You pushed the events of yesterday away and locked them somewhere deep inside of you. I know, it was a measure to stay sane, but if you go home, you’ll be confronted with it. You can go, if you want to, but do you really think, you can face it? I don’t want you to have another breakdown.”

Catherine hated to admit it, but he had a point. A point she had not thought about.

“You’re right.”, she murmured her admission and lowered her head. “But where should I go, then?”

Her stomach clenched tightly just at the thought of being the room, where she had seen Nathan having sex with another woman. She felt dizzy and the panic slowly crept up her spine. Rafael seemed to notice the shiver running through her and did something, she would have never expected. Especially not from him. The hand on her cheek moved and gently cradled her head and then rested his forehead against hers. She should have got used to him moving her to tears and yet, he always surprised her. A warm feeling spread from through her from where he touched her and chased away the coldness of her panic.

“I would suggest you stay here. At least for the weekend and we’ll think of a solution. If you want to look for a new flat or if I should organise you a new bed, I’ll do. I could also stay with you, when you go back.”

“You’re very thoughtful.” _And kind_ , though she did not say it, because he likely did not want to hear it. He likely still wanted to keep hard-ass imagine, although he was not with her anymore.

“I have to be. You’re in an emotional crisis, although your brain decided not to deal with it in this moment. You shouldn’t need to worry about those things. I’ll do it for you. Tell me, what you need and I’ll organise it.”

Catherine’s heart jumped in surprise, then she uttered a sigh and smiled fondly in defeat. She truly was lucky to have such a loyal and supportive friend, who took care of everything. His tone made clear, it stood out of question for him. It was in his nature to care of everything, so she was able to focus on, what was necessary for her mental health.

“Then tell me, what shall I do, now?”, Catherine asked and looked around helplessly. “I’m not used to have free time. It was always either studying, working or showing you around. What do I do, when everything stands still? When I want nothing more than to freeze time? What am I supposed to do in a situation like this? Shall I watch Bridget Jones and shove an entire bucket of cookie ice cream into my mouth?”

“Well, it’s a common coping strategy.”, Rafael said. “Whatever you do for self-care, I suppose. Tough, I have no idea, what you normally do for self-care and I think my mechanism won’t work with you.”

“What is yours?”

“What’s glorified by society. Drowning it in alcohol most of the time.”, he answered soberly and almost sneered. “It’s a pathetic strategy for the weak, I have to admit, because it doesn’t solve anything. It only suppressed the problem for a bit and prolonged the time you don’t have to deal with it. Not a wise mechanism, believe me, but I often had n other idea, how to endure all of it.”

Catherine was surprised by so much honesty and self-reflection. His eyes hardened a little, but he then shook his head to chase the bitter thoughts away.

 “I’ve an idea, what might help.”, Catherine said and did Rafael the favour to leave his statement uncommented.  “Do you mind, if I borrow your beach for a while?”

How strange and decadent that sounded. _His_ beach and it was true. The beach on his property belonged to him alone. That truly was something.

“Of course not.”, he said without hesitation.

“Okay.” Catherine took a deliberate, deep breath and let it out controlled. “Then, I’ll be out for a while. But, Rafael, please promise me not to come out.”

“What?” Rafael frowned. “Why? What are you going to do?”

“Nothing to worry about. I just would be embarrassed, if you see it. That’s all.”

“Okay…” He stretched out every syllable in confusion. “The beach is all yours.”

“Thank you.” With these words and without really thinking about it, she leaned in and kissed his cheek, before she went outside and left a stunned Rafael behind.

~*~

Rafael truly had intended to keep his promise. He really did, but the concern about her had made him restless. One hour had passed since she went outside and he had heard nothing of her. Maybe he had not heard her, because he had invested in good noise-control to prevent to be disturbed by a party of his neighbours. But what was she doing? She was not on the terrace or he would see her and she would not have gone for a run without informing him. The unsettling feeling in his gut increased with every minute passed. Like a hungry tiger caught in a cage, Rafael ran up and down in his living room. What if the memories returned and she had broken down again? Or worse? Did she appear suicidal to him? What if the kiss on his cheek had been a good-bye? No, she would not do this. She knew, how the loss of someone close felt like and she would never do this to anyone close. On the other hand, during his time with the SVU, he had seen people committing suicide, who appeared fine on the outside. There was no pattern, no checklist for those in danger of hurting themselves. From her point of view, it would be understandable, if she felt like she could not endure life anymore and wanted to end it.

Rafael stopped right in the middle of his living room and ruffled through his hair in a displacement activity. Sorrowful, be turned his head toward the terrace and listened closely, but there was no sound. It was as if she was not here anymore. Rafael took a deep, shuddering breath, trying to control his nerves. He felt responsible for her well-being, but he did not want to disappoint her trust. He promised her not to go outside as long as she was there. Well, actually, he had not said ‘ _I promise’_. He had only agreed. It was nit-picking, he knew that and Catherine would hate him, when he would use that argument. It was always something she had disliked about him. He could not let the lawyer behind and Catherine still felt too exhausted to pick her words carefully. She had no mental energy to deal with this triviality.

Rafael took another deep breath and wagered his options and their consequences. It was a rare occasion that he was undeceive. He always knew, what he wanted and was rather decisive. Rafael sighed and shoved his hands into his pockets. What should he do? He did not want to risk, what they had carefully built up by letting concern overrule him. He shook his head about himself.  Normally, he was always able to stay calm and focused, but his crafted self-control crumbled around her. Why was that? Sure, the entire situation was still fragile. Their relation was forged through tragedy, misery and rough times and that brought them closer together than most would be according to the time they knew each other. That pace, on the other hand, made it all fragile. It had been too fast. There had been no time to strengthened the ground they had built this relation on. Catherine was the most vulnerable, now, and a small, wrong move of him could destroy it all. He did not want that to happen. There was a fondness growing inside him, when she was with him. He cared and wanted to protect her. It was not like he loved her, at least not in romantical way, though this was, what most would see in their relation. For them, it was all about sex. They were not able to understand that there were many kinds of love in the world. The bond between of purer and more innocent nature.

The decision was taken away by him, when her heard a muffled sound from the beach, which sounded concerningly like a scream. Every doubt or caution was forgotten, then. Rafael rushed to the door and opened it so forcefully, the door quivered in the frame. Wind blew into his face, but Rafael ignored it. His heart hammered against his ribcage as he looked around, searching for Catherine, but she was nowhere to be found. The terrace was empty. Rafael cursed silently and clang into the balustrade. His eyes wandered over the ocean, but it was calm. There were no rings or anything else, which would indicate, she had tried to drown herself. That kinda was a relief.

Then he saw her. She had hurdled herself together on the sand under his terrace like a turtle. It looked like she had another breakdown and when Rafael wanted to call out to her, there was another sound coming from beneath him. Catherine appeared to be awakening from a deep sleep, because she slowly lifted her head and sat up, but something was odd. How she stood up did not look natural to him. It looked artistic, artificial, like she made every movement deliberately. In this moment, Rafael realised the other sound was a song. A singer hummed melancholically from the speakers of her phone and Catherine breathed in rhythmically to it. When the singer began to sing his song, Rafael realised, she was dancing. He only had a little knowledge of professional dancing, but he had seen a few episodes of “Dancing with the stars”. Apparently, most of his co-workers back in New York and now watched it and he did so he was able to talk with them. He had never quite understood the appeal of it, but it was not the worst thing to watch, while drinking a glass of wine. Although he knew less about dancing, he recognised it was a contemporary. A very artistic dance, always danced barefoot, which aim it was to show the soul of the dancer. That was, at least, what the judges and moderators had explained.

Rafael watched Catherine, while she tossed and jumped over the sand. In this moment, it felt like he understood for the first time. With every move she made, every jump and pirouette, he was able to feel her pain, desperation, fear and torment. There was no doubt, she laid all her emotions bare in this dance. Her face was full of sadness, when she fell down into the sand, pulling her legs to her body and then spreading them again. It was raw and elegant at the same time and Rafael had no idea, how good of a dancer she was. Even from an objective point of view, she looked stunning. Her brown hair flew around and every movement was _danced to the end_ , whatever the judges meant with that. But maybe, he was not objective anymore.

When the first surprise subsided, Rafael found the time to listen to the lyrics of the song, she was dancing to.

_Falling out of love is hard. Falling for betrayal is worse. Broken trust and broken hearts. I know, I know._

_And thinking all you need is there. Building faith on love and words. Empty promises will wear. I know. I know and now_

_When all is done, there is nothing to say and if you're done with embarrassing me. On your own you can go ahead tell them._

_Tell them all I know now. Shout it from the roof tops. Write it on the sky line. All we had is gone now. Tell them I was happy. And my heart is broken. All my scars are open. Tell them what I hoped would be impossible._

_Impossible. Impossible._ Impossible

It was _Impossible_ from James Arthur, Rafael realised. He had heard the song only a few times with half an ear, but he admitted, those words suited her situation perfectly. Slowly, the song faded into afternoon sky and Catherine looked to her side as if a person left her all alone. Her chest raised and fall heavily, but a content smile laid on her lips, when she wiped away the sweat on her forehead. She took a deep breath and opened her eyes. She saw him standing at the foot of the stairs and her eyes widened.

“Rafael.” Catherine turned brightly red and turned her head away. “I told you not to come outside.”

“I was worried.”, Rafael admitted and walked up to her. “I hadn’t heard a sound from you for over an hour.”

Catherine frowned deeply and also took a step closer, but then her eyes widened again.

“Did you think, I would commit suicide?”, she asked surprised and shook her head disbelievingly.

“The possibility existed.” Rafael’s gaze was intense and worried. A mixture, which turned his eyes even darker. It was brutally honest and Catherine startled under the intensity of it, but she caught herself quickly. A deep sigh escaped her throat, when she sat down in the warm sand, wrapping her arms around her legs.

“I’ve never been suicidal, Rafael.”, she murmured quietly. “I promised Jeffrey to live my life and I’m going to do it no matter, how many obstacles it puts in my way.”

Rafael sat down next to hear, keeping a respectful distance between them. He knew Catherine did not like someone being close to her in a situation like this. It gave her the impression, it was only done out of pity. Pity was an emotion she did not want anyone to feel for her. For her, it was as if those emotions and actions were not honest. Every kindness and tenderness born out of pity only meant, the person gave it, because it _needed to be given_. A non-obligatory, social convention to those being miserable. She was replaceable in this setting. They were not meant for _her_. They were meant for the crimes done to her.

Therefore, Rafael decided to let this topic slide at least for now. He still needed to talk about it with her, trying to make her understand, she was living for herself and not for her brother, who had been taken away too soon.

“You danced beautifully.”, he said with a neutral tone. “I had no idea, you were such a good dancer.”

“We don’t know each other for long.” Catherine shrugged. “We can’t know everything of each other yet.”

“True, but it still surprised me.”

This hurt her pride and she swirled around to him. Her eyes sparkled angrily at him, but it vanished quickly, because she realised, it was not meant offensive.

“Riding a horse had always been my ventil to get off the steam.”, she started to explain. “When we had to sell Canzor, I needed to find a new way to handle all the emotional stress, which Jeffrey’s illness put on me. It needed to be something effortless, because I’d no time, but it had to provide the same activity level. Otherwise, it wouldn’t help. Before I began to ride, my grandparents made me join a ballet course. I hated it. It’s hard to believe, now, but I’ve always been a hoyden and ballet was too slow and too controlled for me. I wanted to toss around, to jump, to run, to be fast, but in ballet, it’s all about control every muscle of yours. I wasn’t bad. It simply wasn’t my thing. After Canzor was gone, I tried singing my frustration out, but it wasn’t enough. I needed to use more energy otherwise the uneasiness remained as pressure inside me. I’ve always been used to be moving, to be active and the lack of it was tormenting me. Naturally, I started to dance, while singing and it worked better. After a while, I discovered the contemporary style and it clicked. That was exactly, what I was looking for. I could dance, however I believe it to be right. No rules, no basic figures. Just me expressing my emotions through movements of my body.”

Rafael listened to her and nodded slightly, tough she was not looking at him. It made sense.

“I stopped dancing for several years, obviously. There was no room for it and to be honest, even if there was, I didn’t have the energy. I suffered from depression after I arrived in LA and I’m slowly starting to overcome it and gain back the amount of energy, I used to have.” 

“I think, I understand.” Rafael turned his head to her and smiled. “And it seems to work. You look calmer now.”

“Hmmhmm.” She nodded and looked at the ocean. “I feel better. Everything is out for now.”

“I noticed. They were emitting from you and sometimes hit me like a wave.” Concerned, Catherine turned around to him to apologise, but Rafael shook his head. “I never believed much in all this energy and auras stuff, but there might be something right about it. It was pretty intense.”

The wind freshened up and it slid between playfully as if it wanted to wipe away the intense, serious situation, but it did not work. There was something lingering between them and none of them both could identify, what it was. Catherine was the first to search eye contact. Her gaze was calm, the wind ruffled through her hair and she looked as if she was looking for something. Tough, she did not seem sure herself, what it was. She scraped her teeth over her bottom lip.

“What are you thinking about?”, Rafael asked softly.

“Whether to ask you something or not.”, Catherine whispered as an answer and rested her head on her knees. She looked fragile and sad in the way she stared melancholy at the ocean. Then she sighed heavily and gave up to pretend. “I like you, Rafael, and you’re my only friend. The only one, who knows about my past and with whom I can talk openly. Sadly, that’s exactly the problem for me.”

“Why?”

“Do you know, how anxiety and depression feel like?” The intense blue eyes returned to him, but they were clouded by a strong fatigue. Rafael shook his head. He had dealt and learned a lot about those mental illness and he considerate himself to be educated, but it had been the scientific sides of them, but he knew, they came in a variety of shades. Luckily, he never had to face those himself. Catherine’s little smile flickered, when she continued: “Thought so.”

This time, she did not look away. Her eyes stayed on Rafael and he was once again taken aback by the depth of her soul, he could see through her iris. Catherine might only be 31, but she her soul had aged through pain. The juvenile of her had disappeared, because of torture, though she desperately tried to gain it back. No one in this world should have such an expression in their eyes. An expression of having seen the worst in life and being close to fall apart. All Rafael wanted was to reach out and hold her together.

“Depression feels like being chained and those chains absorb all of your energy. You feel tired all the time and even the smallest things like brushing your teeth or going to the toilet exhausts you to the bone. All you want to do is to crawl into your bed, pull the blanket over your head and pretend the world outside does not exist. Every step, every movement is a fight against your own body, which is held down by tons of imaginary weight. Due to this exhaustion, you feel hollow and empty. Everything that once defined you is gone. Every emotion disappears from you. Things you loved don’t spark anything anymore. You know, how it once made you happy and you’re trying to remember this feeling, to get it back at least a little, but you _can’t_. You can try as hard as you want, but you can’t remember, how being glad or happy feel like. You can’t remember, if you’ve ever been happy in your life. You know, you must have been at some point, but you simply can’t get the emotions connected to the memories. It makes you desperate, Rafael. It should be there, somewhere deep inside you, and you look for it, but can’t find it. Like you’re hunting something, which moves away further and further and it’s so scaring, that you burst into tears regularly without knowing why.”

Tears ran down her cheeks, glistening like pearls in the light of the afternoon sun, while she spoke with a firm voice. Rafael did not know, what to say. He knew, Depression was an everyday struggle, which a mentally healthy person could hardly imagine, but that sounded like a nightmare. Catherine took a deep breath, wiped the tears away and continued:

“Anxiety is like a ghost. It follows you, suddenly appears behind you, scares you and whispers into your ear, you’re not good enough. That you’re worth a shit. Then, it penetrates you and makes you afraid of the littlest things. Anxiety wants to remind you, you’re constantly annoying and bothering everyone. Being with others is exhausting, because you’re constantly wondering, if you did something wrong and the others only pretend to like you. For example, you are scared, you might ring the bell too early again, when nobody opens and therefore annoy the other. It feels like you’re constantly judged and disapproved by most. You’ll never able to do it right. When someone praises you, you believe, they only said it out of social convention and that your action was not that great. With you, for example, anxiety keeps asking me, why would you like me? You’re choosing your friends carefully and there’s nothing about me, you could possibly like. Although I _know_ , you’re not lying to me, because of all the times you proved this conclusion to be wrong. It brings it up over and over again and it’s very convincing. I just can’t understand, what you see in me, what makes you willing to endure all the shit, I make you deal with. In my head I must be a whiny, annoying mess, which clings onto you like a leech, which you can’t get rid of. And I _hate_ me for how I portray you as a manipulative bastard, but that’s, what it wants me to see in you. It tells me in every silent moment, you’re only trying to get something from me and I’m just too stupid to see, what it is. That I’m so desperately desiring, what you’re giving me, that I’m too blind to recognise, what you want to achieve. And I _hate_ that my heart isn’t able to convince my brain that the anxiety is the lying bastard.”

Silently, her eyes pleaded at him to understand. Her composure had been calm during the entire explanation, but Rafael could feel the restrained Catherine underneath it. He saw her struggling against the shadow hands of her mental illnesses, which held her back. He saw her crying, begging him to rescue her behind her eyes, before another hand clasped itself over her inner mouth to silence her. She had escaped her physical prison, but the prison of her soul, was still existing and better guarded.

“Cath…”, he whispered wordlessly and he noticed, how a tear rolled down his own cheek, when all of her pain hit him. He might appear like a rather emotionless man on the outside, but Rafael never had been. Deep inside of him, he had always cared, otherwise he would not have become a prosecutor. He wanted to bring justice to those, who needed it, but he had learned quickly, he would not survive in this job, if he did not harden. It would destroy him to let the cases close to him and he had to accept, he would not be able to save the world. His idealism had been shattered by realism. No matter, how hard he tried, there would always be another bad guy and another and another. It was an endless fight, he could never possibly win. At some point, this disappointing cognition turned into the urge to win. If he had to realise his idealism could not withstand the dark world he was faced with, at least he wanted to put up a fight and win with all available means. With the SVU, he had started to gain his original motivation back and therefore his deeply buried, softer side had showed up more often.

“Do you understand, now, why it’s problematic for me to let you this close to me? I _hate_ myself, Rafael, and simply can’t understand, why anyone would like me. Yet, all I want is someone to see me and my pain. To take my carefully crafted mask away, which I wear to not being hurt, and embrace my scared, shivering, crying self. You’re that person to me and that makes me like you illegitimately. It makes me scared, I’m gonna blew it someday and you are going to turn away from me and leave me alone and broken on the ground. I know, it’s not healthy to project that much into you. You’re not supposed to solve _my_ problems. That’s not fair to you.”

“Are you listening to what you’re saying?” Rafael interrupted her bitter monologue, which made him realise, how strong this demon of anxiety was, because her voice had been full despise of herself. In her words, she appeared to be a monster and likely, she saw herself like one. “Are you able to hear the kindness of these words?”

“Kindness?” Catherine shook her head and looked desperately at him. “Look into my eyes and you’ll see my hidden demons. Don’t get too close, because it’s dark inside of me and it’s gonna devour you. It’s selfish to want you to stay. It’s not kindness. How can see it in those words?”

“Because you are trying to protect me.”, he explained. Catherine startled in surprise and almost fell over. The disbelief she had been talking about showing openly in the mirror of her soul. Catherine was not able to accept something about her was good. Her inner voice always found a way to dismiss everything nice being said to her. “You said it yourself. All you wish for is for someone to like you, being close to you. But you think, it might be too much for anyone take and is gonna destroy the person in the end. Therefore, you are willing to deny your deepest wish in order to protect this person from you. A selfish person would never do that.”

Rafael smiled warmly at her, trying to put all the sympathy he was feeling for her into it. Catherine appeared to still be confused. She was not able to understand, he was seeing something kind in it. The voice of anxiety was too strong to make her see, she was not a burden, not a poison, which would destroy anyone close to her. It made her kindness appear as selfishness to her. In her opinion, no one could survive around her, but yet, she could not stay alone and wish someone to be her friend. That was, what made her selfish in her distorted mind.

Catherine looked at him and tried to actually see and believe the compassion and sympathy in his eyes. She seemed to struggle and Rafael wished the calmness of the dance would have lasted longer than it did.

“I’m not a fool, Cath. I know, it’s a fight, you have to win on your own. I can’t fight for you, but there’s something, I can do.” Rafael captured her eyes with the determination in his own. He would not allow her to run away and twist the words, he was going to say. “I can give you a sword and shield to fight against it. Whenever you start to overthink, believing I might be mad, disappointed or hurt, I want you to ask me. No matter, how often, no matter, what time it is. I will deny the words of the voices within you for as long as necessary, until you start to see them as what they are: _lies_.”

“Why are you doing all of this? For someone like _me_?” Her voice crumbled under her tears and her face was distorted in sadness. The garbage piece of dirt she saw in herself did not deserve someone putting all this effort into someone.

“Because you own a rare gift, Cath.”, Rafael answered. Gently he traced over the features of her face and Catherine looked so afraid, shocked and hurt and yet yearnfully leaned into his touch, her fingers clenching shakenly into his wrist to make him stay. Her unconsciousness absorbed every last bit of compassion, although her mind said, she did not deserve it. This inner conflict was written all over her face. “You don’t hate anybody, although the worst was done to you. Not even those, who raped and tortured you brutally for a year. You own an incredible empathy for everyone, instinctively feeling, what they’re hiding, the reasons for their behaviour and what they need. It sounds cheesy, but you’re a light in the world of the darkness, but that is also your biggest disadvantage. Most don’t know, how to handle this warm compassion. You’re too bright and too strong for them. They can’t withstand your inner strength and gracefulness. You make them feel weak and pathetic and humanity sadly only knows two way of handling such brightness: by owning or destroying it. I actually believe, that’s what the triplets tried to achieve. They had found someone pure and innocent, they wanted to have for their own. They hurt and tried to break you to prove, such a person could not exist, that there are no graceful angels in the world. That it’s all a masquerade. When it did not work, they tried to hurt until they were able to control you, until they could force you to provide the feeling of compassion and warmth, so they don’t need to feel miserable anymore. They saw their healing in you, although they knew, it was just an illusion, because you only did it to please them and to stay alive, but it was better than nothing, Cath. Nathan was the same. He could not endure you being morally better than him. Being this kind and warm, while he knew deep down, he was not deserving you and actually polluting you. So, he wanted you to become angry with him, yell at him, so he could convince himself, you’re not.”

Catherine broke down with his words. She wept and cried, her fingers clenching painfully into his tanned skin, until they drew blood. Her body shivered violently, while his words got through the very core of her soul. She had never seen herself as beautiful. She had only seen the supposed damaged others tried to talk into her to pollute her. Rafael pulled her into his arms and held her close, kissing into her hair.

“You always see the best in people, willing to give all of your strength to help them with their misery. You had endured so much pain, you don’t want anybody to feel like you did even if this means to completely forget a healthy selfishness. You try to save the world, to bring inner peace to everyone and that’s going to be the death of you one day, because you can hardly handle the strong darkness, which is humanity. You’re not a demon, Cath. You’re not even selfish. Others just want you to believe it and you’re too kind and altruistic to see the ill intentions.”

“If this is true…”, she whispered after long time with a crumbling voice. “How can I believe, you’re not the same?”

“Oh, I am the same.” Rafael laughed quietly. “There’s no doubt in it. I’m no knight in shining armour or do intent to be. I chase after this feeling like everybody else, trying to gain your affection, because if you like someone like me, I can’t be the person, I see in the mirror. You’re making me feel better as well, Cath. I can’t forget, how you cared for me even in your darkest hours. How soothing your words were for me and how shocked I was, when you easily saw through my own mask. Or even back in New York, when you broke down in this first night, clenching onto me and apologising to me for doing so. Ever since the moment you showed me your bare soul, I want to protect you.”

“Rafael…” Slowly, she shrugged him of and stared disbelievingly at him. Carefully, Rafael rubbed the tears out of her eyes. Catherine took a deep breath and snuggled into him, searching for the provided protection. Gently, he tucked her under his chin and enclosed her with his arms.

“I won’t let you down, Cath.”, he whispered in his prosecutor determination. His eyes blinking belligerently at the ocean. “Everyone trying to hurt you, has to fight me first.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I'm uploading later than usual, but I was working on this chapter up until now. Phew, it turned out way more emotional than I intended it to be. Catherine was supposed to be far better of on this point, than she is. It seemed like I underestimated her trauma. I like it in a way, but I'm not quite sure, what to think on how Rafael turned out to be in this chapter. Was it too much? Is it still a believable character development? What do you think?
> 
> I could also need your help. I know, what the next chapter is going to be like, but on the one afterwards, I would like to write a chapter in which Catherine helps Rafael for a change. I have a rough idea, how, but I'm curious, if you have some ideas, because I'm not completly convinced of mine.
> 
> But next to the plot stuff: THANK YOU to everyone, who is still reading, although the story had developed quite a length. We passed the 100 pages mark with this chapter! Wuhu. I never really expected anyone to like the story and was very unsure whether to publish it. I was not sure, if anyone is interested and was very concerned, because I'm writing in a foreign language for the first time. So thanks for your support, folks! 
> 
> Wish you all a wonderful weekend. Subaru :)


	12. A  morning of pancakes and friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning starts off as light and fun as he air after a storm, but Catherine wouldn't be Catherine, if she didn't see something, Rafael was trying to hide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll publish this chapter today, because I'm on Holiday from tomorrow on. :) I hope you enjoy.

The next day was grayer than the one before. The blue sky was covered by a carpet of clouds, which floated lazily over the sky ocean. The ocean of the earth was calm and sluggish. It barely moved at all. A slight breeze of wind danced playfully through the open shutters, made the curtain hoovering in the air. Seagulls were audible far away as slowly a few rays of sun poked into the room. Catherine grumbled annoyingly, when they tickled her nose and her eyelids started to stir. She yawned deeply and stretched out in the big bed. The pillow was soft underneath her and she snuggled her head deeper into this cosiness. She felt calm, safe and relaxed surrounded by the warmth of the sun and blanket. She did not want to wake up from this bliss, but there was no return anymore. Her mind had become too awake to go back to sleep. Slowly, she opened her eyes and looked out of the window, out to the ocean and its endless calmness, which was transferred onto her. This morning, there was no anxiety, no whispering voices, just a calmness, which covered it all. This time the laziness of her thoughts did not concern her. It showed, how much more at home she felt here.

Catherine sat up and rolled her shoulders and stretched out her arms, tilting her head from one side to the other and yawned once again. It was actually quite scaring, how relaxed and calm she felt. She should not be that calm, should she not? Catherine breathed out and ruffled through her hair until it was even more of an uncombed mess. If she was honest, she did not trust herself. She expected it to only be the calmness before the storm. Catherine closed her eyes and dropped her head to the chest. Well, there was no reason to bother about it, now. She should enjoy the calmness as long as it lasted. The day might be grey, but her mood did not have to be. Catherine cracked her neck and left for a warm shower.

Twenty minutes later, she left the bathroom and braided her damp hair into a pony tail and pinned it up. This time, the scent of pancakes floated through the air and tried to beckon her into the kitchen. Once again, her stomach was totally fine with it and rumbled in agreement. Catherine could not suppress a chuckle. Her stomach was like a second person within her and always grumbled, when it was absolutely inappropriate. Well, time to feed the beast. It tended to be very persisted and only grew louder over the time.

“Good morning.” She yawned again, when she entered the kitchen.

“Hey…”, he whispered softly and turned around. Gently, he wrapped his arms around her and placed into her hair. “How are you doing?”

“Good according to the circumstances.” Catherine closed her eyes and rested her head against his collarbone. His warmth was spreading comfortably through her and a little spark of happiness was igniting deep inside her. It felt good to have someone caring for her. “Thanks for yesterday.”

Rafael had held her in his arms, while she had cried her pain out, until the sun had set and the air had grown cooler. He had not lost a single word on it, although his position had been rather uncomfortable. He stood up to his word and it seemed like he was serious, when he said, he would do everything necessary.

“Anytime.”, he assured her and pressed another soft kiss into her hair. “And now, excuse me, I have to make sure, I won’t burn down the kitchen.”

 “It would be a shame. It’s such a lovely kitchen.” Rafael chuckled along with her and turned around. Catherine watched him for a while and grinned: “But it seems rather likely. You don’t cook often, don’t you?”

“Not at all.” He shrugged dismissively. “I have too less time to bother with it and therefore eat outside most of the time.”

“Shall I help?”, she asked. “You don’t need to spoil me.”

“Maybe I don’t need you, but I want to.”, Rafael said calmly and tried to turn the pancake rather inconveniently. Catherine sighed and sat herself up on the worktop. She eyed his attempt to make a pancake critically, her legs dangling against the counter. Rafael threw a disbelievingly gaze at her.

“What?”

“Well, if you continue like this, you’re going to fail in your pancake exam.”

“My pancake exam?”, Rafael snorted and raised an eyebrow.  

“Hmmhmm.”, Catherine hummed and smirked at him. “And I warn you, the examiner is very strict.”

“Is she?”

“Oh, yes.” Catherine nodded eagerly. “You have to compete with my Grandma’s pancakes. It’s a rough competition.”

“Ooooh… Grandma’s special dish can never be beaten. My abuelita’s empanadillas were the best.”

Catherine laughed together with him and the whole situation felt comfortable, natural to her. This morning felt so light and fresh as if the past two days had never happened. It might be only a matter of time until the gravity of the past was pulling them back in, but both were willing to enjoy the floating a little longer. Rafael turned to her and gently stroked a strand of hair out of her eyes, which had fallen loose from her braid. Catherine closed her eyes, when his thumb stroked over her cheekbone. She felt, how her affection for him grew due to his tenderness and realised, she might not understand why he liked her, but she could not fight against it. Rafael was exactly, what she needed. Even, if she wanted him to stay away from her, so she would not destroy him, she could not. Rafael was her healing or maybe a father figure. She was not sure, but she did not want to care. It felt too good to bother finding a word for it, though a little sting of doubt stayed within her, but Rafael had always been honest with her. He was not a bad man and especially not as tough and rough as he saw himself.

The stench of burned pancakes pulled them both out of her thoughts. Rafael cursed and turned it around. The entire side was black. His shoulder sank and Catherine had the impression, he was feeling disappointed.

“It seemed like I failed.”, he murmured annoyed. Catherine chuckled. If she knew one thing about Rafael Barba than that he hated to fail in anything- even frying pancakes. Rafael took the pan from the stove and tossed the burned abomination into the trash bin. “Defeated by a damn mix out of flour and eggs. What a disgrace.”

Rafael sighed melodramatically and made her chuckle.

“You might have failed in making pancakes, but you passed summa cum laude in sighing.”

“I would be very disappointed, if I don’t. I had years of practising.”

“It’s job requirement to be a SVU prosecutor, huh?” Catherine had difficult to keep her voice straight, because she really wanted to burst into laughter.

“Exactly. You can’t be a prosecutor, if you haven’t mastered the art of sighing.”, he said dryly.

That was it. Catherine could not keep it together anymore. She burst into laughter and tears formed in her eyes. Rafael grinned his remarkable, well-known little smile, in which only a corner of his mouth twitched up. Catherine needed quite to calm down and she breathed in heavily, while whipping the tears out of her eyes. Even her rips hurt. She had not laughed like this in a long time and it was such a relieving feeling.

“Come on, I show you, how it’s done.”, she said, after the finally catching her breath. Playfully, she pushed him to the side. Rafael laughed and stepped aside, while Catherine rolled up imaginary sleeved and tasted the rest of dough in the bowl. “Advice number one. Put a little bit of soda into the dough. The carbon acid makes the pancakes fluffier.”

“Maybe, I don’t want them fluffy.”, he replied dryly, but the smile still lingered around his mouth.

“Everybody wants their pancakes fluffy. That’s the whole point.” Catherine threw her hands into the air in sheer, acted frustration as if he had said the earth was flat. Rafael shook his head and leaned against the other angle of the L-shaped kitchen and handed her the soda. He was obviously enjoying the relaxed atmosphere just as much as she did. Catherine poured a bit of it into the dough and hummed quietly, while she stirred. The whisk clanged against the wall. “The other advice is to stir in an eight. Therefore, the ingredients are mixed equally.”

“Stirring in an eight motion, noted.”, he said sarcastically.

“Careful, Rafael.”, she said and pointed with the whisk towards him as if it was a weapon, while she chuckled. “I don’t joke about pancakes.”

Then, she poured the dough carefully in the hot pan and fried perfectly golden, brown pancake after pancake. The cosy scent filled the air once again. Rafael stepped up to him and looked into the pan.

“Okay, I have to admit. These look way better than mine.”

“Aha, listen to this!” She chuckled and turned off the stove. “Rafael Barba admits someone else being better than him.”

“It’s a rare occasion, you can be proud of yourself. Mark it in the calendar. It’s not gonna happen anytime soon again.” Gently, he wrapped an arm around her and kissed her temple, then took the plate and put it down on the table. “Maple syrup?”

“Oh course. Everything else is blasphemy.”

“Blasphemy…” Rafael sighed and sat down next to her. “You truly don’t joke about pancakes.”

“Nope.” Catherine smirked and put one on his plate, while Rafael slid the bottle of maple syrup to her. She took it and poured syrup upon it, until they were almost soaked with the sticky, sweet liquid. Rafael raised an eyebrow, when he saw the brown sugar lake on her plate.

“Why don’t you just eat the syrup pure? With this amount you’re not able to taste any of the pancakes.”

“I have a sweet tooth.” Catherine shrugged and shoved the first bite into her mouth. An expression of bliss spread all over her face and it made Rafael chuckle. Rafael started to eat as well.

“Those… are excellent.”, he said surprised.

“Told ya.” She clapped her hands gleefully and Rafael laughed again. In this moment, she felt more like a child, appreciating the little things like a breakfast in comfortable silence. She had gone through a rough time and yet, she had not felt that free for a long time. Her past and doubts stayed outside, while they enjoyed a peaceful moment together. Catherine hoped Rafael knew, she appreciated it. ow much those little things meant to her. Rafael still watched her closely just like he had done yesterday. He wanted to notice, when something in the atmosphere changed slightly, to notice, when the dark thoughts crept towards her- hopefully, before she was even able to realise it.

“Rafael, I’ve been thinking for a while…”, she started slowly, carefully after several minutes. Rafael stopped eating and put the cutlery down.

“Oh, what is it this time?”

“I beg your pardon?”, Catherine asked confused.

“When you start a sentence with ‘ _I’ve been thinking for a while…_ ’, it normally ends in a one-hit K.O.” Rafael sighed heavily and rubbed his neck. “What did you notice this time?”

Catherine opened her mouth to speak, then shut it again, furrowing her brows.

“That’s not the question, I was wondering about, but according to our deal from yesterday, I have to ask you this first: Are you angry?”

Rafael blinked, obviously taken aback, but then he exhaled and the hardness disappeared out of his body.

“No, I’m not.”, he said softly. Rafael raised his head and stared tiredly at her. “But when you say this, you always noticed something, I rather don’t want to deal with. It’s not your fault.”

“So, may I ask or should I better not?”

“Go ahead.” He waved his hand. “It would be unfair, if you’re the only one facing your demons.”

Catherine looked at him closely and he truly appeared exhausted. All those former fine lines on his face were more prominent. She was doubting, if she should really ask the question, because it had a potential to be a sensible matter. She did not want to hurt Barba after everything he had done for her. On the other hand, Rafael would not want her to push it back for his sake and if she guessed right, he would need to figure it out.

“I’m wondering, if you’ve contacted Olivia since you said good-bye.” Rafael startled and his eyes blew wide in shock. He even appeared stunned for a moment, needing a few to gain his countenance back. Back in New York, she would have been glad to get such a reaction from the normally calm Rafael Barba, but not today anymore. His reaction showed, how she hit the nail on its head. “So, no.”

“Why are you asking?”, he almost spluttered and swallowed heavily.

“I didn’t see you two interact much during my trial, but it was obvious, how close you are. Then, I remembered, how devastated and hurt you sounded, when you told me about her reaction to the incident with Drew. You even sniffed, Rafael.” Rafael stayed silent, his lips pressed together as if he wanted to keep himself from talking. Catherine waited a little, if he wanted to react, but he refused. Catherine sighed sadly. “You are still running away, aren’t you?”

“You didn’t see the disappointment in her eyes.” His voice was raw and full of emotion. He even teared up a little and pain was written all over his face. He looked as miserable as in the Barbette, when they had talked about his father. “I _can’t_ …I don’t know, how to handle her disapproval.”

“You’re a coward, Rafael.”, she stated calmly and leaned back in the chair. Rafael’s head jerked up and he threw an angry gaze at her. Catherine’s mouth twitched slightly, because it worked. She wanted to get him out of his pain and to what else did Rafael react more than his pride being hurt? His Hispanic blood could not react any other way. Rafael raised an eyebrow, when she used a technique, he had often used with her. At least, she had his attention. “You’re hurting her. Leaving without a word is far worse, than, what you did.”

“I’m not so sure.”, he murmured and lowered his head.

“She cares for you, Rafael, probably the most next to Noah, and so do you. Do you think, she isn’t wondering, how you’re doing after this? After you left, because you could not take it any longer? Everybody would be worried about their friend in such a situation and especially Olivia.”

Rafael still avoided her gaze, guilt hanging over his head like a dark cloud. Olivia’s opinion mattered a lot to him and he was afraid to contact her and to hear, how disappointed she was. Not Olivia. Not her. They had been through everything together. William Lewis, the abduction of Noah by his grandmother and they trust each other blindly and yet he killed a child- at least in his eyes- and that was something Olivia could never forgive in his opinion.

“She hasn’t contacted me.”

“Because of the same reason, you didn’t. She wants to give you time and space to deal with it. She waits for you to contact her, to tell her, what you need.” Rafael harrumphed, but stayed silent. Catherine would have never expected to see him afraid. He always appeared though on the outside, but he likely had learned early in life, he needed to be. He had to be the strong one to survive and to help others. It was the best he could offer: strength, but that leaded to him being scared of being afraid. He did not know, how to handle this insecurity, which he had only ever shown to Olivia. Olivia was for him, what he was for Catherine. Maybe, it was time she would do something for him. She picked up her smartphone from the kitchen table. Rafael noticed the little movement and looked up in surprise.

“What are you doing?”

“What you’ve should have done a long time ago.”, she explained, while she started typing.

“Catherine, don’t!”, he pleaded.

“I won’t watch yourself bathing in self-pity.” She raised her hand to interrupt him: “And yes, I know, I tend to as well. That’s why I notice, when somebody else does.”

Her fingers flew over the display of her phone, showing an incredible speed for someone, who barely texted at all.

“Hello, Olivia. Here’s Catherine Amell from the triplet raping case four years ago. I don’t know, if you remember me.”, Catherine read out aloud, while she typed. Rafael tensed and he licked his lips nervously, but he showed no real effort to stop her. Maybe, deep within him, he was glad, someone else did this step for him. He was missing her. It was obvious expect for him. “I just wanted to thank you again for everything you’ve done. I hope Noah and you are doing fine. I just started my master in Biology at the University of California. You would never guess, who I met here incidentally. Rafael Barba. He’s working as a consultant for a law firm and we stayed in touch. He’s helping me dealing with all the stuff. Have a nice day. Catherine Amell.”

Once again, she read over the message. Olivia was clever and would notice, if she wrote something deliberately casual, but she did not want to ride Barba in. It should not sound like she was writing it for him. In the end, she came to the conclusion, Olivia would likely notice anyway. It was he best she could come up with and therefore hit the _send_ button.

Rafael looked like he was not sure, if he should thank her or being furious. There was a storm raging behind his dark eyes, and she could not blame him for it. Catherine had to admit, it was not a kind way, but it prevented two friends continuing to hurt each other by being afraid. It was not a solution for any of them and both were too stubborn and considerate to jump over their shadow. They simply could not act upon it, although they wanted to. Maybe, Catherine could give them a little push in the right direction and hopefully, her empathy was not failing her this time.

Almost immediately, Catherine’s smartphone beeped. She picked her phone back up again and read Olivia’s message:

“Hello, Catherine, of course I remember. It’s nice to hear from you. It’s great, you started studying again. Noah and I are doing fine, thanks for asking. He’s such a bright, little boy. I’m glad to hear Rafael is doing fine and that he’s looking after you. Could you greet him from me and tell him, I understand that he needs time, but I would like to talk to him again? I miss him. Not just me, Noah as well. Thank you and have a nice day. Olivia.”

Right afterwards followed a photo of Noah and her smiling brightly and waving into the camera. Catherine smiled at the photo and then put her phone down. Her eyes lingered on the table for a moment, because she was a little afraid to look at Rafael. She did not know, if she had the same strength as he had always shown, when she was like him now. Although she was not looking at him yet- and she knew, she had to-, she could feel his sadness washing over her like the tide.

‘ _Great, Catherine, you were responsible for this mess and now, you’re not brave enough._ ’, she thought bitterly and took a deep breath. She had to take the responsibility and be a friend to him. After taking another deep breath, she raised her head and the view of Rafael shook her to the bone. His dark eyes starred blindly at some undefined spot on the wall, while tears streamed silently over his cheeks. He was not sobbing, or sniffing. Nothing. Not a single sound. He appeared shocked, maybe even empty, likely not even realising her. Catherine had never seen Rafael like this. So vulnerable, broken and hurt and a feeling of bad conscious washed over her. In this moment, there was no doubt, if she was strong enough. _If_ stood out of question. All that mattered was _how_.

“Oh, Rafael.” She rushed to him, wrapped her arms around his shoulders and gently rested his head against her collarbone. Rafael startled, but then buried his face into the crook of her neck, his suffocated sobs turning into hiccups. Catherine’s heart ached at the sounds and she felt miserable, when he clenched into her shirt desperately, his breath coming raggedly. He felt miserable and Catherine tried to find words, she could say to him. Words, which would make him feel better. How could she help him? What was she supposed to do? He appeared so helpless and Catherine had no idea, why he was crying. Was he happy, because Olivia wanted to stay in touch? Was he sad, that he had almost lost a year, because of being afraid? Was it a combination of both? Or was it even a flashback to the pushed away emotions about Drew, he did not allow himself to feel? Those, he had pushed away and used Catherine as a welcomed distraction? Her thoughts were running wildly and Catherine started to wonder, if Rafael had felt like this as well. She looked down at him and saw, how his shoulders were shivering violently.

Slowly, an idea rose within her like an instinct. It was a risk. It would either help a lot, or it would make him flinch away from her. Catherine started to stroke and ruffle gently through his short, dark hair. It took a few, but then the action seemed to get through to him. The huffed noises became quieter and then subsided, his body growing softer in the muscles. Catherine smiled, while Rafael appeared to be awakening from a dream, slowly coming back to reality. She expected him to dissolve, or to feel uncomfortable, because of her fond actions, but he stayed. It felt like he was actually allowing himself to enjoy it and Catherine would never stop something, what was good for him.

“Rafael, is my voice getting through to you again?”, she asked, while her fingertips massaged his scalp.

“Hmmmhmm…”, he hummed pleasantly, totally savouring her ministration. He had completely fallen into her embrace. He was sluggish, as if every bone in his body had melted away. Catherine could feel her heart swell. He must trust her to let go that much around her. He would never let himself enjoy it, yet alone _allow_ it to her, when he did not like her, to let his guard down completely. Rafael was not the kind for physical affection. He was rarely and only with those close to him. Catherine knew that without him actually saying it. The entire situation had something of a mother comforting her little child and maybe that was the reason, why he could fall into it. They had not talked about his parents after the conversation in the Restaurant, but Catherine had the impression, Rafael only had been able to be a boy, when he was young. His father abused him and his mother had been working the whole time, maybe trying to get away from the father just like Rafael had. So, Rafael likely had to grow up too fast and had rarely felt the affection of loving parents. Catherine knew that feeling. Affection was something very confusing, then, because it had never become usual, but when those people decide to accept them, they started to take, whatever they could possibly get as if an empty hole in the heart must be filled.

“I’m sorry.”, she whispered, while she threaded her fingers through his soft hair. “I’ve taken it too far. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you.”

“I know.”, Rafael said softly. The still clenched fingers in her shirt loosened and he wrapped his arms around her hips, pulling her a little closer. “You’d never hurt anyone deliberately, Cath.”

“Especially not you.”, she confirmed and her hand stopped for a moment. “Never you.”

“It’s not your fault.” He dissolved just enough to be able to look into her eyes. Catherine still interpreted it as rejection, her fingers clenching into him, trying to make him stay, but the warm expression in his eyes proved her wrong. “You didn’t hurt me, Cath, I actually have to thank you. Without you, I likely would have never contacted her.”

“Because she could be proved you wrong otherwise? As long as you did not contact her, you could pretend as if she saw you as the bad man you see in yourself? Otherwise, you’d had to realise, you’re the only one hating yourself for your actions?”, she asked, while she resumed to stroke through his hair, looking thoughtfully at him. Rafael looked surprised at her, but then sighed and his shoulders slumped.

“I hate your empathy, Cath.”

“No, you don’t.”, Catherine said calmly. Rafael sighed again.

“No, I don’t.” He laughed hollowly and breathed out deeply.

“Can you tell me, why you cried? Was it relieve? Sadness? Happiness? Combination out of it?” Her thumb brushed gently over his temple.

“Not exactly.” Only a slight shiver in his undertone showed, how miserable he had been only a few minutes ago. Superficially, he had found his calmness back. He leaned into her comforting touch and closed his eyes. “It just overwhelmed me somehow. I didn’t even realise I was crying. I felt stunned, maybe even empty. It was, when you hugged me, that I woke up.”

“I understand.”, she said. “You’ve built up the pain for far too long and to hear, how she’s missing you, must have broken the dam.” 

“It seemed like it.” Rafael ducked his head in shame. He likely felt guilty for appearing that weak. For him, he was the one helping her, being the strong one for her. Therefore, he felt like he was letting her down and Catherine realised, he was not seeing it as a friendship yet, although he had said it otherwise. Or he did not understand, how friendship work, what she could not believe. Anyway, she had to do something right now, otherwise the nature of their relation might move in a direction, she was not like.

Catherine knelt down, so that she was on the same eye level as him. Gently, she cupped his cheek with both hands.

“Listen, Rafael.”, she began softly, but determined. “I care for you, too. Not because you’re the only one knowing about my past. I care for _you_ , not for what you’re doing for me.”

Catherine rested her forehead against his and closed her eyes. She could feel his calm breath ghosting over her skin. She could almost sense, how his surprised expression turned into a soft smile and how he closed his eyes as well. A strong feeling of connection was seeping through her.

“I hope, you know, I’m here for you and that you can talk to me as well. You can be yourself with me. I know, you want to be strong for me, to give me security, but you don’t need to all the time. I’m your friend. It’s not a one-way road.”, she whispered.

Catherine opened her eyes and pressed a soft, long kiss against his forehead. Rafael sniffed slightly and opened his eyes. His irises were wet and it appeared like she had been able to move him to tears this time. Both starred into each other’s eyes for a long time, deepening the bond between them, which already felt so strong and natural. These ten years had been hell for her, but to gain Rafael as a friend, was at least something positive. Even beforehand, she had not had anybody, with whom she had felt that comfortable. That was, why she wanted him to understand, he could rely on her, too. Otherwise, this relation would not withstand time. Not as long as she was only receiving. As far as she knew, that kind of relations never lasted. The giving person had to protect itself otherwise, it would be pulled down by the other. Catherine hoped, she would not be his downfall.

“You are kind, Cath.”, Rafael finally said. He reached out and gently grabbed a strand of her hazelnut-coloured hair, letting it slide through his fingers as if he wanted to make sure, she was real. Catherine smiled. She was glad, it was possible to have someone that close, and for so long, without flinching, without being anxious. Her rapist had often used stroking through her hair as a way to manipulate her. It had taken a very long time, until she had allowed anyone close. Despite Rafael. Somehow, her saviour had always had a special position. It had been easier with him and yet more difficult at the same time.

“So are you.”, she whispered softly and rested herself on her heels. “Far more than you give yourself credit for.”

Rafael appeared not completely convinced, but decided, Catherine had a way better judgment in this than him.

“Thank you, Cath.” He smiled and kissed her forehead in return.

“You’re welcome, Rafa.”, she said without a thought. She wanted to show him, how much he meant to her, but to her surprise, Rafael flinched as if she had hit him. “Oh, Olivia called you like this. I’m sorry, I won’t again.”

“No.” He shook his head. “No, it’s okay. It was just a surprise. Like when I called you Cath for the first time.”

“Olivia sent me a photo of Noah and her. Do you wanna see it?”, she offered a change of topic. Rafael hesitated for a moment, gulped, but then nodded. Catherine smiled reassuringly and got up to get her phone. When Rafael saw it, a few new tears build in his eyes. Catherine wrapped an arm comfortingly around him. He smiled gratefully, although he did not really notice it. He was way too absorbed in the photo. Softly, his fingertips stroked over the cold surface of the smartphone and an expression of melancholy rested on his face. “Maybe you should take the chance and face time with them this evening. It’s Sunday after all and…”

Catherine stopped abruptly and starred out of the glass door. That gained Rafael’s attention. He put the phone down and turned to her.

“Everything alright, Cath?”, he asked concerned. Catherine blinked slowly and looked back at him. She sighed and smiled weakly.

“I just realised, that it is Sunday and I should probably go back home. But I’ve pushed everything that happened far away. I haven’t thought about it once.” She bit her bottom lip. “I’m scared to go back, Rafael.”

“Then you don’t have to, yet.”, Rafael declared and stood up. He gently hugged her close and cradled her head, pressing a kiss into her hair. “You can stay longer, Cath. I don’t mind.”

“I shouldn’t. You let me stay the entire weekend. You have to work tomorrow and need time for yourself and…”

“ _Cath_.”, Rafael said strictly and suffocated her protest. Catherine sighed in defeat and smiled slightly.

“Thank you, Rafael.” She leaned her head against him. “But there’s something else, I’m concerned about.”

“What is it?”

“Nathan still is my lab partner. I’m going to have to work with him thrice a week for the rest of the semester.”

“There’s nothing you can do about it?”

“No, the mark is given for the entire course. Therefore, switching out the partner isn’t possible.” Rafael looked at her sadly, but there was nothing he could do for her. Catherine did not, how she should handle the situation. She lowered her eyes and hugged herself tightly. The anxiety roared inside her like a wild beast. The thought of having to work with him felt like a pressure within her that would her guts detonate. Or better, as if she would explode. She hated it, when this powerful, destroying feeling rose within her, because she felt helpless then. Unable to do anything against the cold flood of fear.

“Come, let us sit down and we’ll work through it, Cath.” Gently, he ruffled through her hair and Catherine could not prevent, but to chuckle, while she tried to save her braided ponytail.

“Great, now, I have to do it again.”, she declared, while they both fell down on the lounge. A slight shimmer of hope was growing within her. Maybe, she was able to get through this mess with Rafael’s help.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, my characters definitely want to tell more, so my entire planned structure was turned around. :) This chapter actually wasn't suppose to be one, where Cath helps Rafael, but I'm glad she is helping him getting back in touch with Olivia. I hope, it/she wasn't too rough to him. But the pancake part was funny, wasn't it?  
> Well, but now, I'll have to figure out, what they both still want to tell. 
> 
> Have a nice day. Subaru :)


	13. Return into the polluted heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catherine returns to her flat for the first time.

  1. Chapter



Catherine had felt comfortable in her flat. It was small and simple, but it was hers. Her safe place, her secure haven. A pocket dimension in a dark, cruel world. Catherine did not know, how many times she had curled herself together on her bed and cried herself to sleep, but the contained warmth had soothed her like a blanket out of bricks and cement. Her own four walls were her own bunker, in which she could hide herself, when the outside world was overwhelming her, when the voice of anxiety made her shake in fear. It knew and kept every secret of her. It had been a sanctuary, but now, that feeling was gone. Now, she was afraid of it. While she stood on the other side of the street, the apartment complex seemed to grow immeasurably into the sky. It looked down on her, laughed at her devilishly. It blamed her for being a fool. How could she have trusted a flat? Catherine hugged herself tightly, her fingers clenching into the fabric of her sleeve. She breathed in and out deliberately to control the shivering of her body. She knew, it was the anxiety projecting all of this into it. It was not real, but it felt so real. Even those people walking by appeared to stop and laugh at her.

The loud sound of a car door being closed made her startle. Her shoulders shot to her ears and she tried to cover herself. Maybe it was too early. Maybe, she should not go back. It was only Tuesday. They had spent the entire Sunday to search for solutions for her misery. Rafael’s logic had helped her to gain the necessary distance to see the situation as sober as possible. In the end, Catherine had decided, she wanted a new bed. She had not been able to imagine, how to sleep in the bed, which had been countermined by the betrayal of her ex-boyfriend. Whenever she would have rested in it, her mind would have shown her the pictures of what she had witness. Somehow, Catherine had still no idea, how, Rafael had managed to organise a new bed within two day. Her old one had been replaced by now and Catherine had decided to stay in the flat at least for now. It was close to the campus and due to her depression, it was a great advantage. If she needed an hour to get there, she would have gone rarely to the courses. The wounds were still fresh and it was as if all of her traumata were mixed together and drown her in a whirlpool of pictures and words. It felt like she was under water and she could not breath. Cold sweat ran down her spin, made the back of shirt glued to the skin. Every nerve within her was running wild, urging her to run away and lever look back, but Catherine knew, she had to at one point and it would not get better.

Suddenly, she felt the presence of someone close to her. Her inner alarm system fired up every nerve within her body. She shrieked together and jumped a step back, her breath coming raggedly. Panic shone in the bright blue eyes of her. The perception of her senses increased and highlighted her surroundings. Several passers-by looked concerned at her, but no one was willing to watch closer. The frightened woman needed a moment to realise, it was Rafael, who had walked up to her. The former prosecutor had raised his hands in the moment, he had startled her. Slowly and carefully, he came closer, watching every reaction of her. When he realised, Catherine had recognised him and her attack position had disappeared, he increased the pace and pulled her close. Catherine breathed out deeply and accepted the warmth and calmness he shared with her. It always felt like his energy was perfectly compatible with hers. What he had too much of calmness, he gave to her and she, on the other hand, gave him warmth and livelihood.

 “Are you sure, you’re ready?”, Rafael asked concerned and gently stroked through her hair.

“I’m not ready, Rafa.”, she whispered back. “And I’m never going to be. It won’t be getting easier, no matter, how long I’m hesitating.”

“That’s true.” Rafael raised his head and looked over at the apartment complex over her shoulder. “You’re strong. You’ll be fine.”

“Do I look fine to you?”, Catherine asked bitterly.

“No, but you are according to the circumstances.” Catherine did not believe him. She never did. For her, it did not feel like, she was strong. She felt weak most of the time, but Rafael had experienced a lot of victims and could make an assessment. Rafael also preferred strength and had less patience for weak persons. If he was willing to put so much effort in her, he must be able to see strength in her. Likely somewhere hidden deep inside her, where she was not able to see it.

Catherine dissolved from his arms and stepped aside, taking a few dep breaths to calm her nerves.

“I’ll be fine.”, she whispered like a mantra to encourage herself.

“I’m by your side. Whatever strength you need, I’m going to give you, okay?” Rafael squeezed her shoulder comfortingly. Catherine nodded too quickly, showing that she was not convinced, but she knew, she could not run away for ever. It would never make it any better. With another deep breath, she walked over the street, when the traffic light was green. Rafael followed her on the heel.

~*~

Unlocking the front door of her apartment felt strange to her. It was like opening a dungeon in which unsuspected monsters were awaiting her. It appeared like they were giggling behind the door, waiting for her to enter and then being eaten. Catherine was afraid and her hand shivered around the key. She should not be thinking about, what was going to happen, otherwise she would summon it. There were no monsters in the flat as long as she did not expect them to be. She was haunted, not the flat. She was haunted by the ghosts of the past. Not just the recent ones.

The staircase was neat. Nothing was broken or destroyed by graffiti. A rare circumstance in LA, where every scribbled letter was urban art. LA tried desperately to be hip that it was ridiculous for both, Catherine and Rafael. Rafael stood behind her and casually looked around, but it was a disguise. As always, he watched her close, his dark eyes never leaving her completely.

In the end, Catherine was brave enough to open the door, but only, because she did not want to make Rafael wait any longer. He had rescheduled a lot to be able to accompany her. Actually, he had made sure, his appointments this week were very flexible, so he could be there, whenever she needed him. Catherine was relieved to have him by her side, but on the other hand, she did not feel comfortable will all this support. Rafael had said, it was not much of a deal, but for Catherine, it felt like it was.

Both entered her flat and Catherine turned on the light. There was a little wardrobe in the floor, which as slim as a hose. Rafael’s expensive shoes clanked irrationally loud on the floor, which sounded disapprovingly in her head. For her, it felt like he was judging her flat, although he said nothing. His gazes felt like daggers in her back, although he had lived in a flat like this. He was not an upper east side child. He knew the dirty sides of everything no matter, if it was humans or buildings. At least, she had tidied up, because of her planned date with Nathan. She would be embarrassed, when Rafael would have seen the normal state of the flat. Rafael still looked around with a blank face expression, searching for topic that was harmless.

“Well…” Catherine laughed insecurely, trying to ease the strange situation between them. Helplessly, she looked around, not knowing, what to do with themselves. She never had a guest over in her flat. Even if she had someone close enough to be invite them over, she had been too embarrassed of her flat. And now, the former prosecutor of New York and her only friend was in here. How could she not be nervous?

She had known, she would have to invite Rafael at one point, but she had wished it would not be such a situation. Hopefully, her lovely, elderly neighbour, who was also a gossip, would not set any rumours in the world. She could not endure it. “Welcome to my home.”

“Thanks for having me.” His voice was surprisingly warm. When Catherine turned around to him, Rafael shrugged off his suit jacket casually and hang it onto the wardrobe. “I just had hoped the occasion would be nicer.”

“Me too…” Catherine sighed deeply and kicked off her shoes, throwing them carelessly into a corner of the room. She noticed, how he followed the movement with his eyes. “You don’t need to take them off.”

Then an uncomfortable silence fell over the floor and suffocating it. Catherine was absolutely overwhelmed with the situation. There were so many expressions storming onto her, although the room was empty and silent. It was like she was reliving it all again. She could still smell the non-existing scent of roses from the woman. Catherine could hear the quiet laughter and moans coming from the bedroom. The floor started to spin. Her throat became tight, invisible hands strangling her. Desperately, she tried her old, known pattern to get herself back into reality. Her fingernails pressed into her palm, until blood ran down her wrists, but it did not work. She could see the shadow of her past self putting down the bag with food, she had brought along. How she had called out Nathan’s name insecurely and walked through the floor. The sound of her steps rolled all over her and filled the room like rising water. Catherine gasped for air, shivering violently, while tears filled her eyes.

“Please, Catherine, don’t go. Don’t open the door. Turn around and run away. Pretend like you noticed nothing. Hide yourself in the illusion. It’s better than all the pain.” The former, hopeful Catherine should not walk any further. She should not open the door. Catherine did not want her heart to be broken to pieces once again. Maybe, if she reached out her hand an stopped her, if she called her out, she would be able to get through time and stop it from happening. Maybe, her hope did not have to die. Maybe, she could get it back. She wanted it back so badly. Her heart broke piece after piece with every step the Catherine of the past did.

“No, it’s not.” Rafael had walked up, without her noticing it. She jumped and swirled around. The scenery of the past crumbled down and revealed the present. “Cath, you deserve better than this.”

Catherine raised her gaze and starred at him with glazed eyes. Rafael gently cupped her cheeks, his thumbs stroking carefully the tears out of her eyes.

“I know, you would do everything to avoid this pain, but you deserve better than living in an illusion of love.”

“It’s not about the love. It’s about the hope of a normal life, I’ve lost.”, she whispered with a thick voice, but she did not show any hint of dissolving from his arms.

“I know.”, he said calmly. “But you shouldn’t clang on such an idiot, who’d throw you away at first chance. He doesn’t appreciate you enough.”

“Because there’s nothing appreciable of me. I’m broken, damaged and ten year older than the other students. No one’s looking at me.”

“Your anxiety is speaking again, Cath.”, Rafael said soberly. “And even if it’s true, then they’re fools.”

“What do you see in me, what others don’t?”, she asked contritely, while she lowered her eyes. “I just can’t understand, what makes you put so much effort in me. All I’m doing is breaking down and crying.”

“You don’t have to understand, Cath. That is _my_ decision.”, Rafael stated. Catherine blinked confused and raised her head, seeing herself confronted with serious gaze. It was neither a distraction nor a joke. He meant, whatever he was going to say. “You said it yourself: I pick my friends very carefully. So, you can assume, I assessed thoughtfully, if you’re worth it. I’m not a person wasting time with someone I don’t care about and I’m not a person for manipulation. You should know that by now. If something you’re asking of me is inconvenient or goes too far for me, I would and am going to tell you. Until then, you can ask and take as much as you want from me.”

Catherine starred surprised at him, her eyes blown wide and her mouth slightly open. Rafael returned it, his gaze not even wavering the slightest. Catherine wanted to believe him so badly, but her past experience had showed, she was not the best in assessing people. This duel of gazes went on for a while. Rafael tried to convince her with his serious expression and Catherine’s anxiety tried to find a clue, he was lying. In the end, Catherine was the first to break the eye contact and lost, but she stayed in his personal space, showing she was not completely overtaken by her anxiety. If she were, she would have fled several steps back. She sighed heavily in defeat.

“I have the impression we’re stuck in a time loop.” The guilt turned her voice dark. “We’re having the same conversations over and over again.”

“I can’t deny, it’s a bit tiring at times.”, he admitted softly. Catherine widened her eyes in fear and was about to step back. “Oh please, will you let me talk to an end?”

Catherine froze in her movement. Her eyes fired up with guilt and her shoulder rose. Once again, she was the little child waiting to be punished. Her inner doubts had overtaken her and maybe, he had to shock her even more. This action would either break through her or shy her away for ever, but they had to stop running in circles. He was not the most persistent man, but he could be bold, if he needed to be. Rafael sighed and walked up to her. Slowly, he held out his palm. Catherine blinked confused, looking between his palm and him, but then, she followed his silent plea. Rafael enclosed his hand around hers and rested her fingertips over his heart. Catherine gasped in surprise, when she felt his steady heartbeat.

“But to be honest, who am I to judge? I’ve no idea, how I would be in your place. I just wish, I would be able to show you my thoughts to make you believe in me, but that’s not possible. Therefore, I have to prove it over and over again, until I finally convince that mind of yours.”

“I’m so sorry, I’m not able to trust you.”

“You are trusting me.” He let her hand go. Catherine once again was totally confused by his statement. Rafael smiled and stroked her cheek. “Even when you’re feeling scared, when your anxiety is taking over you, you don’t try to get distance between us. You stay within in my reach even in your most fragile state. This shows me that your unconscious and instincts are trusting me. The rest is only a matter of time.”

“You make that sound like a threat.”, she whispered, but stepped back into his waiting arms. Rafael smirked, while he cradled her head.

“Maybe you should see it as such. You know, I’m stubborn. What I want to achieve, I’m going to.”

“I just would like to understand why.”

“That you’re my only friend here isn’t enough?”

“I’m not the kind of person to simply accept things. As long as I don’t understand, why you choose me as a friend, I’m likely never getting my head around it.” Suddenly, Rafael’s eyes lit up in this typical gleam, when he got an idea. A corner of his mouth twitched up into a devious smirk. Catherine frowned.

“Come, you’re not ready to go into the bedroom, yet. Let’s have a seat and some coffee.” With these words, Rafael turned around and left for the living room.

“Didn’t you say, you want to drink less coffee?”, she asked, looking after him.

“Not today.” He laughed and disappeared into the small fish tin, which she called a living room. Catherine had an uneasy feeling in her stomach. It normally never meant something good, when Rafael smirked like that. It often meant he had switched back into his arrogant arsehole-mode. Catherine did not like this version of him much, though she had understood, he had developed it as a protection. It proved his worth, because he was superior in intelligence and it prevented others to get too close. Most people would not bother to see past it, but Catherine did. Soon, she had discovered a softer, warmer Rafael behind it, but this attitude was a part of him and she was accepting it. She just had to find away to handle him then and to stand her ground against him. Normally, she became a small, insecure child then, but she wanted to be equal to him. She could be like this for ever.

“By God, it truly is a shoe carton.”, Rafael said aloud in the room on the other side of the floor.

“Told ya.”, she shouted back, while she filled the electric kettle.

Five minutes later, the horrid scent of instant coffee filled her little pocked dimension. She carried the two most neutral cups, she was owning, into the living room.

“I can only offer you instant coffee.”, she said, when she entered her living room. Rafael stood with the back to her, starring out of the small window, which showed a lovely view on the next apartment. The room was so tiny only the most necessary things fit in. It only contained a two-seat couch, a little coffee table from Ikea, one shelf filled up with Biology and Chemistry textbooks, a small TV and the folding table on the wall. And just those few items made the room appear overfilled.

“That’s fine. I know, you need to save money.” Rafael turned back around, but still eyed the brown liquid, which was supposed to be coffee, sceptical. Then his eyes wandered through the room, lingering on every angle, every item. Rafael knew, Catherine had to sell most of her belongings during her flight. She had almost nothing left, when she had met him. She had been broken in many meanings of the word, robbed of her life and this part, she would never get it back. The only personal item, which personalises the room and differ it from a model room, were a photo of her on a horse, which he guessed was Canzor, and a family portrait. Her grandparents, her brother and she. They were all smiling warmly and happily into the camera. It must have been taken, before Jeffrey had become ill. The young boy had dark brown hair and eyes green like grass. His arm was wrapped around her shoulder. It was obvious these siblings had been close and loved each other dearly. Rafael had sighed, when he had seen the photograph. Catherine would need her brother in this situation. Jeffrey would have been able to help her.

The rest of the room was concerningly minimalistic. It was a tiny room, true, but she could have given it a few colours or decoration. There was not even a poster of her beloved MCU. It felt like she wanted to keep it unpersonal in case she needed to abandon it at any point. It was her home, but only for now. Catherine would always be afraid to build roots.

“I’m a little surprised.” Rafael looked at Catherine, who had sat down on the couch, the two cups standing in front of her. He almost sounded disappointed, when he continued: “I expected a shelf full of figures and blue rays. Posters…”

“And where should I put it?”, Catherine asked bitterly, almost snapping at him. Then, she realised her reaction and blushed in shame, but Rafael said nothing. “Do you think, I have a secret room like Christian Grey, but instead of Bondage Sex toys, it contains Mangas, a film collection and figures? Maybe even Cosplay Costumes?”

“You read Fifty Shades of Grey?” Rafael raised an eyebrow.

“Did you?”

“No.”

“Me neither.” Catherine waved her hands defensively. “I tried, because everyone at University was talking about it, but it’s such a crap. I gave up after ten pages. It was originally a bad Twilight fanfiction and it’s obvious. Seriously, there are tons of better fanfictions out there. Even in the same genre.”

“And you know that, because…”

“I read them.” Catherine shrugged dismissively and drank her coffee, which tasted like liquid mud.

“Really?” Rafael was surprised. “Even BDSM?”

“No. The romantic ones. Vanilla it’s called. Nothing extraordinary. I had enough of that.”

Rafael let himself fall next to her and took his coffee. He drank a deep sip and showed no reaction of disgust expect a little wrinkling of the nose. No one would have noticed expect for Catherine, who was watching him closely, too. Then the silence, which Catherine feared so much, returned. She did not know, what to talk about. She felt the urge to fill it or otherwise, Rafael might be bored- not just of the situation, but also of her. She was not even able to be a good host. How could they be friends, when she was lacking of words now? Carefully, she looked at Rafael. He held his cup in his hands, one leg crossed over the other, his foot tapping to an inaudible rhythm and starred out of the window. Defence body position. Oh God, he was annoyed. What should she do?

“So, what’s your favourite movie?”, Rafael asked casually all of the sudden and did her job. Catherine put her cup down and looked at him confused.

“Why are you asking?”

“Curiosity.” It was not just that. She could see it in the expression of his dark eyes. He was trying to achieve something. They lingered on her like the eyes of a predator on its prey.

“No, you’re planning something.”, Catherine said slowly, narrowing her eyes to little slits, trying to figure out his motivation.

“Answer the question, Cath.” Rafael chuckled amused. From one moment to the other, he appeared so relaxed and comfortable as if he was at home here, although he obviously did not belong in such a surrounding. He looked so out of place in his elegant suit and the extravagant suspenders in this shabby flat. It had something surreal. Rafael watched her over the brim of his cup and smirked. Once again, she sighed in defeat.

“That’s not so easy to answer.” Catherine tilted her head, while she turned towards him on the couch. Her fingers drummed against her cup.

“Anime, then.”, he said, after she had not answered for a few. Catherine blinked.

“You wanna know about Animes?”, she asked in disbelief. “You don’t care about Animes.”

“But I care about you and I’m open for new things. Who knows, when this knowledge could come in handy.”

Catherine still was not convinced and eyed him sceptically, but on the other hand, she had not many people she could talk about those stuff and she loved to talk about it. When the chance was offered to her, it could happen she was overflowing. She became so excited, she started to speak too fast and too loudly and she was not sure, if this was a side, she wanted to show to him. It could scare him off easily.

“Hmm, there are three I’m quite enjoying currently, but the concept will sound ridiculous to you.”

“Give it a try.” Rafael leaned comfortably back against the backrest of the couch. It seemed like Rafael had the ability to feel comfortable, wherever he wanted to. Catherine sat in a cross-legged position, holding her cup of alibi coffee in her hands. For a moment, she was considering, which Anime she should tell him about and how to explain it. It was not easy, because Anime were special and for those unknown to it hard to grasp.

“Well, there is the Fate Franchise. It has several adaptions, but roughly it is about a tournament. Seven magicians summon seven hero spirits.”

“Hero spirits?”

“Souls of heroes. Mostly from the past. King Arthur, Hercules, Alexander the Great, Jack the Ripper and so on.” 

“And they fight against each other?”

“Yes, and the winner gains the Holy Grail.”

“The Holy Grail?” Rafael raised an eyebrow in confusion and leaned a bit back, examining her. “Really?

“Yes, and it grants one wish. No matter, what it is.”

“What would you wish for?”, Rafael asked curiously. He rested his head on his folded hands. His brown eyes sparkled brightly, his intelligence awakening behind them. Probably, he was hoping for a lively discussion, but Catherine would deny it for now.

“I haven’t thought about it, because I would never want to participate in this tournament.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s a battle of life and death. It’s rare that the others participating magicians survive and I don’t want to proceed tactically how to kill others. What kind of a winner would I be, then? How would a wish of such a person be like?”

“You have a point.”, Rafael hummed and nodded in agreement. “Then, what do you like about it?”

“I’ve always been interested in History and Mythology and although the creators take a lot of freedom to interpret the heroes, they do a lot right, too. I’ve known nothing about Irish Mythology, but when the hero Cú Chulainn appeared in the show, I looked him up and found his story quite interesting. Then, it’s a lot darker than the description would make you guess and it tackles a lot of difficult topics of society. Well, and the fights look damn epic.” Catherine chuckled slightly and there was a little spark of fire in her eyes. The corners of Rafael’s mouth twitched up and Catherine frowned. Why did he show his triumphal smile? What was he looking for?

But her mouth did not seem to wonder as much as her mind did. Without her noticing it, it continued to tell him about this Anime, speaking about several scenes, she had enjoyed and some details of the show. With every word, her voice became louder, livelier and her body straightened up, becoming big and self-confident. Soon, she was gesticulating wildly with her hands, while her eyes sparkled with passion. That was a topic she felt comfortable about. A topic, where she could leave all her doubts behind. It was fiction, not reality. While talking about her passions, she could let her mask fall without being scared. She was able to gain a bit of the person back, she once had been. While talking about her three favourite Animes, she did not notice, how Rafael’s smile grew wider.

“There it is.” Rafael’s smile was soft and pointed with his cup casually at her, when she ended breathlessly. Catherine frowned and tilted her head, question marks shining in her eyes. “That’s one of the things, I like about you.”

“Huh?” She blinked. She had no idea, what he was referring to. What had she shown? “What do you mean?”

“This infectious passion and joy.”, he repeated patiently. “It’s something, I like about you.”

“Infectious passion?”, Catherine repeated disbelievingly. “It must be annoying to hear me talk about things, you don’t care about, without pausing for breath.”

Rafael shook his head slightly and pursed his lips like he always did, when someone was not able to follow his thoughts. A slight expression of impatience made the lines around his mouths more prominent. Catherine startled a little, when she felt like his disapproval hit her like cold water. Rafael noticed her reaction and sighed. Every time he saw this fear and insecurity shining in her eyes, he wanted nothing more than to visit those monsters and kill them himself. He believed in the legal system, but he knew, it was not perfect. That was another reason, why he had become a prosecutor. He wanted to make sure, it would be as much as possible and although her rapist had been sent to prison for twelve years, it did not feel enough to him. Yes, they were stigmatized as rapist for ever, but Catherine was as a victim. She might not be branded by society like those monsters, but she did it to herself. She believed, she deserved nothing positive and it felt like his words oozed away on dry sand. Rafael could not deny this relation took a lot of strength from him. It was exhausting, draining and often left him behind speechless, but he knew, why he put all this effort in it. He never questioned his decision. He was only wondering, what else he could do to help her. Rafael was selfish in many aspects of life, but in this here, he was not. It was never about him. It was all about her. Carefully, he put his cup back on the coffee table and slid closer. Catherine lowered her eyes, maybe misinterpreting the expressions on his face.

“Are you interested in law?”, he answered the question with a question. Catherine thought for a moment, but then shrugged.

“Not in general.” She was suspicious. She always was, when she was not able to figure his intentions out. She was still expecting him to be manipulating her.

“Does it annoy you, when I talk about my cases?”

“No, of course not.”, she answered without hesitation. She blinked, when she realised, she was mousetrapped. “Oh.”

“It’s not annoying, Cath.”, he said softly. “Quite the opposite is the case. I’m glad, you’re still able to find joy in such things despite everything done to you. Your eyes shine brightly every time you talk about it and you’re so full of life and hope. Something, I’ve lost many years ago, if I ever had it. I’ve always been sarcastic and cynic, but it became worse over the time. After my time with the SVU, the world appeared only grey to me. Maybe even black. Everyone could be a potential criminal or victim. It was a rough time, I don’t regret, but it had taken its toll on me. When I hear you talk like this, it feels like a bit is rubbing of on me, too. The world appears to get some colours back, become brighter, friendlier. That it’s not full of dirt. That victims can heal. That they’re not lost for ever. That it is all worth it, although three new monsters appear in the streets, when one was imprisoned.”

“Rafa…", she whispered surprised. His face had turned hard, while he spoke and he had lowered his head. Resignation was hanging over his head like dark clouds. Immediately, Catherine was close to him, wrapping her arms around him and gently pressing his head on her shoulder. Rafael could not deny, how soothing her closeness and compassion felt. He relaxed immediately, when her warmth surrounded him. It might sound cheesy, it likely did, but when he felt her sympathy, it felt like his sins were washed away. He was not a saint and never intended to be. He knew his flaws and strengths well. He had done bad things for the greater good and even not for it.

Maybe, Catherine had been right. Maybe, he was trying to gain absolution, but it was not the prior motivation of his. All he wanted was to make sure, she was fine. That she would find back something of what had been taken away from her. If she was like this now, how kind and warm must she had been beforehand? When those withered seeds of doubts and brainwashed had never been planted into her?

“I’m able to see your true self in those conversations.”, he whispered against her shoulder. “The bright, cheerful person, which is imprisoned by the crimes committed to her.”

“And you think, you can like this person?”, she asked and dissolved. “She’s annoyingly cheerful, because she believed it to be the only way she’s appreciated. She gets too loud most of the time and speaks too fast. She clings onto everyone, who shows a bit of kindness.”

Rafael nodded.

“I already know.”, he declared and gently cupped her cheek. Once again, her unconscious accepted it, actually wishing for nothing more than these little signs of affections. “The past and present Catherine aren’t as different as you believe. What you’re seeing, is only, what your anxiety allows you to see. I see so much more in you than this.”

“What are you seeing?”, she asked desperately. Her violently shaking hand covered his. Maybe, they should go back, Rafael thought. It seemed like this place brought much more back than he had expected and his plan to chase her anxiety away by letting her talk about things she loved, had failed. How could he open the cage? How could he help her burst those chains? How could he make her see his honesty? His caring for her? Rafael did not understand completely, what it was between them or why Catherine became that important that fast, but he had decided not to care, because it was not important to him. “Rafa, please. Help me see the good sides of me. I can’t myself. All I can see are the dark and weak sides of me.”

Rafael leaned forward and kissed her forehead fondly. Catherine whimpered as if his kiss caused her physical pain, but Rafael knew, it was her disbelief, she was deserving this affection, which pained her. Still, her fingers dug into his skin, begging him not to stop. She was like a starving woman, gulping down every drop of water she could get at once. It would take a long time until this missing piece of her soul was refilled. Until he had given her enough to love herself. Rafael dissolved slowly and loosely rested his arms around her. Gently, he tucked her under his chin. He knew, what deeply hidden message this gesture contained for the both of them. Rafael offered the weakest part of the human body to her- his throat. In a time, where humans had been hunters and gatherers, she could have killed him easily. He was offering his life to her and she trusted in his protection by turning her back to the imaginary threat. It was the ultimate sign of trust, deeply anchored in humanities primal instincts.

“You have many good qualities, Cath.”, Rafael whispered, while he started to stroke through her hair. “I could list them all, if you want to, but would you believe it, if I do? If I rattle them off just like a recorder?”

Catherine tensed under his chin and hesitated, her hand unknowingly resting on his chest. Rafael could hear the thoughts rattling in the intelligent mind of hers. He smiled softly and felt an affection, he only felt for very few people in the world.

“I don’t think so…”, she admitted with a thin, but desperate voice. “But I don’t know, what else to do. I can’t like myself. Every time, I think, I might be polite or kind or anything, my demons laugh at me, how I could believe that. They say, I’m the most horrible in the person in the world. No one would want to stick around with me.”

“I do.” He leaned his nose into her silky, brown curls and chuckled. “Or am I just an illusion of yours?”

“Not funny.”, she scolded him tiredly and he cleared his throat.

“Apologies.”, Rafael muttered quickly. “You are a good person, Cath. Do you believe me to be a liar?”

“You don’t understand. It has nothing to do with _you_ , Rafa. You’re doing _nothing_ wrong.”, she explained with pained voice. “It would be like that with everybody else. Please, believe me, I like you and appreciate to have you as my friend. I’m not doubting you. I’m doubting _me_ and my assessment in people. I failed so many times.”

“Once with Nathan.”, Rafael corrected her and rested his head back on hers. “And that wasn’t your fault. He was nice to you. He might even be, but he was just too impatient to give you the time, you needed and did not show much interest in you. Sadly, this happens to everyone. You’ll never know someone completely. Every friendship is a risk. The only thing you can do is to listen to your heart.”

His voice turned bitter and his jawbone tensed.

“You’re talking about Alex Muñoz, aren’t you?”

“Yes.” Anger boiled within Rafael and his hand on her back turned into a fist. Although it had been six years since the case, the disappointment was still there. He had risked it all for his friend and he had been condemned for it. Then, they tried to make it look like he was framing him, because he had not been over Yelina choosing Alex. Rafael snorted. He was professional. He could stand over such things.

“What had he done?” Catherine slid back so she was able to look into his eyes. She had not missed the emotions Rafael had tried to hide. She also remembered, what he had told her in the Barbette about him and how angrily he had sounded. Rafael sighed and let his head drop to his chest. He really did not like to think back of that case. Everyone had been doubting him, had been attacking him, while he had tried to do his job. He shook his head. It had felt like betrayal and he had been shocked, when he got to know, his oldest friend had been sexting with a underaged girl and misused his position. Just then, Rafael had been able to see the real character of Alex. Alex, who always had a justification for his actions, who would let his friend walk right into to trap in order to keep his reputation. Rafael had grown, but Alex had stayed the same.

Still, he did not know, if he should tell her about it. No, if he _wanted_ to tell her about it. Every time he spoke of it, he had a bitter taste on his tongue. This case had taught him more than anything else, everyone could be a criminal. That everyone was wearing a mask and even those closest to you never show their true selves. It had been a bitter pill to swallow.

Then, Rafael felt, how Catherine gently lifted his chin and made him look up. Her blue aquamarines shone concerningly into his. He sighed and smiled weakly. Maybe, Catherine was an exception from the rule. She was also hiding herself behind a mask, but she did it to protect those close to her, not herself or her reputation. She was the most honest person he had ever met. Without him really noticing it, he started to tell her about what happened. It was actually relieving to talk someone neutral about it. Someone, who would not be judging his behaviour and who had not been involved. Catherine listened attentively, but never interrupted him and Rafael was finally able to let out all the frustration the case had built up inside him. When he ended, he breathed out heavily and his shoulders slumped. It obviously had still troubled him, because he felt exhausted and empty afterwards. Catherine stayed quiet for a while, making sure he was done, then she wrapped her arms around his head and this time shield him off the memories.

“I’m so sorry, Rafa.” She was, he could hear it. Her voice was pressed and sad as if she had felt all of his pain. “It must’ve been hard.”

The words felt much better than Rafael expected them to. These simple, kid words of understanding neutralised the poison of betrayal in his guts.

“It was.”, he admitted for the first time and his mouth became dry. “I’m not completely over it. It still stings.”

“I understand.” Sympathetically, she looked at him and tried to chase his dark thoughts with a smile away. “It was very brave of you.”

“Not really.”

“It was.”, she said determined and cupped his face. “You did the right thing. You let the SVU investigate and told them to handle it like every other case. You’ve proven no one received a special treatment with you. You didn’t let your friendship blind you.”

She stroked softly over his cheek and smiled warmly.

“You’ve proven to be strong and righteous. Something, I appreciate about you.” Rafael closed his eyes under her ministrations. “You would never misuse your position. I…I’m glad to call you my friend.”

Rafael blinked in surprise, but his face expression eased quickly and the dark shadows over his face disappeared. He cupped her hand with his and leaned into her touch. Catherine’s soul truly was gentle and kind. She owned the ability to take make everyone felt better and comfortable around her. A natural, light charm so very different to the definition of the word. Maybe even more innocent. The innocence of her younger self, for whom time was frozen during her captivity in order to protect herself and her older self, which was forged in hell and had aged twice as fast. Her current self was caught between those two sides of her. Two contrary sides as strong as natural catastrophes and her soul was yet too weakened to withstand them. Likely, that was the reason she switched back and forth between her two sides of a coin. Maybe, that was the reason, why they got along. They were complementing each other. Catherine could grow through him and he could become softer through her. Rafael needed to show sides of him, he had rarely used.

“Thank you, Cath.”, he whispered. “I’m feeling better, now.”

“Then, I’m relieved.” A bright shimmer enlightened her face and she almost had something ethereal. It was not an empty phrase for her. She truly was happy, if she could take the pain of others. Who would have thought, light could withstand hell? Maybe, light was able to chase darkness away. “But I’m afraid the coffee had grown cold by now.”

Rafael laughed and gently ruffled through her hair. Catherine squealed like always and tried to comb it back in place. He liked the youthful, innocent side of her and he respected the other one. Rafael stood up and rolled his shoulders.

“Come on, let’s go back. I think, we both had enough for a day.” He held out his hand to her and smiled down to her. Catherine stared up at him, a hint of shame flickering through her bright, blue eyes. She had wanted to return to her flat, but she was too weak. She was not ready, but when was she going to be? She could not stay in Rafael’s house for ever.

 _If something you’re asking of me is inconvenient, I would and am going to tell you.,_ his determined words echoed through her mind. Catherine looked up at him and Rafael still smiled. His hand hoovered in front of her, waiting for her to accept the kind gesture. In the end, Catherine was able to shrug off her doubts and insecurities. She smiled and allowed herself to be weak for now. Sometimes, strength was not the best way to protect herself. She sighed and smiled, accepting his hand and his caring. Rafael seemed to be relieved and he pulled her up. She was not alone anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I'll be with my family over Eastern, I gonna upload the chapter today. Do you mind, when Catherine's talking about her "Geek" side? Is it boring for you? Was it too much? I think, it was a good strategy to make her feel comfortable and I did not want to summe it up completely.
> 
> The next chapter is coming next Saturday like always :) Happy Eastern everybody. Subaru


	14. A song of light and shadow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catherine is used to celebrate her Birthday alone. It's going to be a day just like everyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You are going to need this song later on :) no worry, Cath can sing. ;)
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUnPZstS9DQ

  1. Chapter A song of light and shadow



Catherine was a winter child. Conceived and born in winter and growing up in the cold, grey weather of Wales. In New York winter had been just like at home, but LA with its 73 Fahrenheit felt unnatural to her. She was used to wearing sweaters, boots, hand gloves, scarfs and beanies, but those clothing were almost unnecessary in the Sunshine State. On the 13’th of December there was supposed to be the scent of snow hanging in the air, air cold and sharp like a knife, but in LA it smelled just like always. It was not a bad thing per se, but unusual to her. She expected to walk into chilling air, when she left the laboratory building of the University of California, but instead it was just a tiny bit cooler than summer, but still warm.

Two weeks had passed since Catherine’s first visit in her flat after it had been polluted. She had returned with Rafael to his house and it had proven to be a good idea. After she had to work together with Nathan again, she had been a mental mess. Nathan had been as well. He had begged, pleaded, apologised and tried to excuse himself. Nathan had assured, he loved her. That she was the only one for him and this one-night stand had meant nothing. It had not even been creative. He ran down the entire checklist of apologies for cheating, but it still had confused the hell out of her. When she had returned to Rafael, she had not been able to speak for a while. Her deepest anchored longing of being loved wanted to forgive him. Everyone had made mistakes after all. If Rafael had not been there, she might had given in and had taken him back. Luckily, Rafael had experienced those schemes often enough to talk her out of the tight grip of dependency. Catherine would not been able to find her reason of existing in him. Nathan was not able to confirm her worth and she did not have to rescue him. It had taken a long time for Rafael to get through her, but in the end, Catherine had been able to see, she did not have to forgive him to be kind. That it was alright to be selfish in order to protect herself.

Last Thursday they had returned to her flat. When she had entered her bedroom together with Rafael for the first time, she had a mental break down. Everything she had seen had run in front of her inner eyes like an old black and white movie. Catherine had seen, how Nathan and the other woman had tossed over the bed, giggling, laughing and moaning. It had felt like a betrayal all over again and she had shattered. Her legs had buckled and she had screamed with all the force of her lunges, before she had turned into a sobbing mess. Rafael had immediately wrapped his arms around her and held her close, while she cried and struggled, trying to fight him off. She had been out of her mind, but he did not let her go, until she had calmed down. Apparently, she was quite strong. She had caused him several bruises, but Rafael had lost no word on it. When she had come back to senses, they had sat in front of her new bed and talked for long time, until the room had lost some of its terror. During those talks, Rafael had said things, that had made her think. He had said, it was allowed for her to heal. At first, Catherine had not been able to understand, what Rafael had meant, but she gained a cognition hidden within her for a long time. Catherine had had the feeling, she was not allowed to heal, because other victims, who had objectively endured less, were not able to. It had felt like she would be diminishing their pain, because she was starting to work through it. It was a very twisted thought she had not even realised herself, but Rafael had been able to figure it out. He had also said it was alright to be weak sometimes and to rely on others. Those words had accompanied her for a long time, when she had sat on the terrace of Rafael’s guest bedroom and had watched over the ocean. Sometimes, she had hoped, it would give her the answer. The ocean was as old as the planet. It had seen everything of this world, but of course, it had stayed silent.

On the next weekend, Catherine had moved back into her flat. It had been strange, but Rafael had texted her regularly to ask, if she was alright. Catherine had appreciated all of it.

Just now, Catherine noticed, she had stopped walking and sighed. The other students were streaming out of the buildings and dispense into every direction. Some were heading to the subway, some decided to go home per foot, but one thing they had in common: they were talking lively to each other. Catherine did not. She was the one, who stood out, because she was walking alone. It was not like she did not get along with the other students, but the age difference of ten years kept the others from approaching her and therefore no connection went deeper than a professional level. In the mass of friends, she felt like an alien and lonely like a shipwrecked woman on a island surrounded by the endlessness of water, but the ocean were humans.

What made it even worse for her was, it was her Birthday. Today, she turned 32 and no one knew about it. The topic never came up with Rafael. They had other things to talk about. She did not know his, too. Catherine sighed again and shoved her hands into the pockets of her cardigan. It was not like it was the first Birthday, she would spend alone. Still, it hurt, now, that she had someone close to her again. Was it pathetic, she wished for all those clichés? The cake with candles? The balloons? Presents and recognition? That someone was celebrating her? Someone being happy, she was born? Normally, she hated to be in the centre of attention. She could not handle it, but now, she wanted to be at least once. Tough, it would not be the case today. It would be a day like all the others. Nothing would be different. She would go home, order take in and watch some movies. It was not bad, but Rafael had planted hope within her and this little seed caused her pain, now. Maybe, she was addicted to her own misery. She had a good friend. She was not a ghost anymore in this world. It should be enough. She got the chance to grow, but something was still holding her back. Why was it that humans always longed for more after they finally got, what they had wished for?

Catherine sniffed, clearly disgusted by herself. Quickly, she wiped the tears out of her eyes and took deep breath. Yes, this day felt strange and distorted to her, but it was like it was. It was not, as if she could change it. She might have got to spend the day with Rafael, if she had asked earlier. If she had been able to do, what he was trying to teach her for such a long time. That opportunity was gone, now. When she had visited Rafael in his law firm two days ago, she had heard how one of his co-workers asked, if he would join them on the important company dinner. He had declined politely and told him, he was otherwise occupied. Therefore, it made no sense to ask him, if he would like to spend the day with her. Catherine was not the centre of his Universe. Of course, he had a life next to her and she could not expect him to rearrange everything for her. It would not be fair.

Catherine continued her trail and walked over the campus towards the main street. She overheard conversations about parties, bars and concerts of the other students, who were planning their weekend. She had none. When she was not learning, studying or hanging around with Rafael, there was nothing left. Catherine had to be honest with herself. She might not be a ghost anymore, but she was still a rather empty shell. She had nothing out of her duties. She was not able to appreciate life. All those free time activities felt like a waste of time to her, tough spending it alone in her apartment, hurled together on the lounge and escaping into another world was not any better. For a moment, she wagered, if she should to. Maybe she should go out and drink. Maybe, she would meet new people, but likely, her mental illnesses would foil her plans. Most would not be patient with her and she knew too well, how drinking alone could end. No, she could not risk it.

Catherine looked at her watch. Her bus would come in ten minutes. She needed to hurry to get it, or she would have to wait for another thirty minutes or affording an expensive cab. Why was yeast so damn stubborn, although it had no brain at all? It was only a combination of chemical reaction and yet, it behaved like an angry child. They had not paid enough attention to the experiment and had to redo it. Therefore, their course had taken longer than expected and she was running late. Catherine turned around the corner and froze right away, the pace of her heart increasing. At the end of the campus, stood Rafael, casually leaning against a street lamp. The dark blue jacket of his suit was open and his eyes wandered over the campus. He was the definition of self-confidence, which she was lacking of so much. Rafael noticed her. He turned his head around to her and smiled warmly at her. Catherine steps speeded up without her noticing it and she ran over the campus. Some students turned around confused towards her, but paid not too much attention.

“Rafa!”, she exclaimed gleefully and threw herself around his neck. Rafael stumbled, obviously having difficulties to keep his balance, but he chuckled and hugged her. Catherine was happy. Rafael was here. Out of whatever reason, she was lucky today, although he likely had no idea, why she reacted so strongly to his appearance. He could not know he had granted her greatest wish. Gently, Rafael was pushing her away just enough to look deeply into her eyes. He smiled and ran he fingers through her bangs.

“Happy Birthday, Cath.” He leaned in and kissed Catherine’s forehead fondly. Catherine gasped in surprise and her heart hammered so loudly, she could hear it. He knew! Rafael knew! Tears of happiness filled her eyes and she looked up into his warm agates.

“You…you know? How?”, she spluttered, then blinked and sighed. “My file.”

“Exactly.” Rafael smirked, obviously proud, she had figured out.

“But you still remember the date? It’s been so long.”

“I have a great memory.”, Rafael explained with a shrug, but Catherine eyed him in disbelief.

“You asked Olivia to look it up.” Rafael showed no reaction despite his smirk, neither denying nor confirming it, but Catherine knew, she was right. Not that she cared at all. “But why are you here? I thought, you had obligations today.”

“Oh, you heard it.” Rafael smiled and cradled her face. “I have indeed. Celebrating your Birthday with you.”

Her eyes blew wide in surprise and the tears fell out of her eyes in pure happiness.

“Thank you, Rafa!” She hugged Rafael tightly full of gratefulness and buried her head on his chest. She felt so happy like she had not been in a very long time. Her fingers clenched into his suit jacket, while she sniffed. Rafael placed another kiss into her hair and held her close. “It means so much to me.”

“My pleasure, Cath.”, he answered and patted her head. His fingertips gently massaged the back of her head.

“Oh, is he your new one?”, an angry voice asked behind them. Catherine startled and got rigid in Rafael’s arms. She knew the owner of the voice too well. Rafael looked at the group of students gathering in front of him. The man, who had spoken, was in his late-twenties. His short, blond hair was gelled into wild spikes. His green eyes sparkled suspiciously at him and his lean body quivered from anger. Rafael looked at him and then back to Catherine.

“Let me guess. Nathan?” Catherine nodded and pressed herself into Rafael’s embrace, her body quivering in fear. She did not want to have this confrontation. Not today, not ever. She had said to Nathan several times they were done and she would only work together with him as long as the course lasted. She was professional and would not let it affect their study, but there was nothing more to it anymore. Nathan had difficulties to accept that. He still wanted her back. Rafael knew that. She had told him.

Rafael narrowed his eyes and starred disapprovingly at him. He appeared cool and relaxed on the outside, but Catherine could feel the tension of suppressed anger in his body. Deep inside of him, Rafael was boiling.

“Rafa, please, don’t.”, she whispered and rested a hand on his chest to hold him back. The soft touch took a bit of tension out of his body. “He’s not worth it.”

Rafael dissolved his attention from Nathan and looked back down at her. Catherine just saw the slyness of a fox disappearing from his eyes. Rafael was a straight-forward man, always saying, what was on his mind, but when someone pushed the right button on him, he could become mean. Then, his old self awakened from its slumber inside of him and he was willing to do everything to defeat this person. He did not care anymore, if he could stay fair or had to fight dirty. Catherine knew. Everyone had a dark side and it came to swallow the light in everyone one, if fed up enough. She would probably react the same, if she ever had to face Alex Muñoz. Rafael’s and her weak spot were quite similar. If someone, they held dear, was threatened in any way, that beast inside them roared. They both needed a long time to reach that point, but if it happened, it was hard to get back.

“Is he the reason, why you’re not taking me back?”, Nathan scoffed at them and crossed his arms over his chest. Oh poor, fool. He had no idea, when to shut up.Catherine was able to hear the desperation disguised as insults in his voice, but Rafael could not.  “With me, you were acting all that innocent, but it takes only a few days to throw yourself around another one’s neck?”

Nathan snorted disapprovingly like a bull, taking a few steps closer to them. Rafael’s muscles tensed in the primal urge to attack. He let Catherine go and strode towards the younger man. Catherine swirled around.

“Rafa, no.”, she tried to call him back, but she knew, it was in vein. Rafael hated injustice and he would not let this remark ditch. He would defend Catherine’s honour, if she was not willing to. With strong steps and an underlying aura of anger, he walked up to him and Nathan was hit by the mighty energy of a prosecutor. The young boy lost more of his confidence with every step of Rafael, but it was too late to back off without loosing his face. In a physical fight, Nathan might have won, but he felt, Rafael was not intending that and his strong dominance forced Rafael’s rules onto Nathan. Nathan knew and he knew, he had not enough experience to win against Rafael.

Catherine watched the scene worriedly, when Rafael had reached her ex-boyfriend. Threateningly, he leaned over the man, who tilted backwards, clearing losing to the lawyer’s confidence. She was not able to hear, what Rafael whispered, when he invaded Nathan’s personal space and leaned towards his ear, but it clearly had an effect. Nathan’s eyes widened in shock, this breath getting stuck in his throat. Catherine knew, she would never get to know, what Rafael had said to him, because Rafael would never show the full measurement of his darkness to her. He probably was not even able to, because her light chased most of his shadows away, but as soon as she turned around, she could feel it flapping over her like a dark coat of raven wings. He would fill her out, where she was lacking. It was the same the other way around. She would give him the strength to expose his weak sides and his light. Maybe they had been what the other needed right from the start.

Rafael starred into Nathan’s eyes warningly for a few moments, silently asking, if the young man understood. Nathan nodded hurriedly, then turned on his heels and ran away from the man so much more powerful than him. Catherine would almost feel pity with Nathan, if he had not provoked it himself and somehow, it filled her with happiness and pride to have Rafael as her protector.

When Rafael reached her, the lingering darkness was gone.

“He won’t bother you anymore, Cath.”, he assured smilingly and he truly was content with himself and Catherine could not deny, she was glad about it. She would have never been bold enough to chase Nathan away.

“You didn’t traumatize him, didn’t you?”

“No, but it wasn’t easy. He’s nothing but hot air, Cath. A pathetic boy, trying to keep his saint, while living in sin.”

“That’s cynic. Even for you, Rafa.”

“I haven’t been that annoyed for a long time. What have you seen in him, Cath?”, Rafael asked, while he followed the small point disappearing on the horizon.

“A soul, which hoped to fill its emptiness with love just like I do.”, Catherine answered.

“Hmmm…”, Rafael huffed, but let it go. Catherine was better in recognising the best in people. He was better in seeing the worst. Then he looked deeply into her eyes. “Did I scare you?”

Catherine shook her head in negation and cupped his cheek.

“I’ve seen this side of you before, remember? You showed that slyness in my trial. Maybe, you don’t like that game much, but you definitely know, how to play.”

Rafael nodded and then, the topic was over for both of them. Nathan was not worth to diminish this day.

“Do you mind, if I’m in charge of today?”, Rafael asked. “You’ve been showing me around all the time, I thought, it would be nice, if I organise something.”

“Not at all.” Catherine beamed at him and sometimes, Rafael almost seemed blinded by it. “I trust you, Rafa.”

~*~

One and half hour later, Rafael and Catherine had left behind the Pine Mountains, which divided Hollywood from the Valley. Catherine starred out of the window and watched, how the lively metropole disappeared and the environment turned lonelier and calmer. Soft music hummed out of the speakers, but neither of them paid to close attention to it. They were talking comfortably with each other, finally being able to leave the stress of the past months behind. It was a road trip of two friends. Mountains framed the view from the front seats, while Rafael searched his way calmly through the colossus of rocks. Slowly, Catherine started to wonder, what Rafael had planned for her. She had thought, they might have gone to Planetarium and at first, the way was the same, but then he had turned right and followed the Interstate 5, which led north.

“Rafa, where are we going?” Catherine turned in her seat and watched his profile. Rafael’s brown eyes stayed on the street, although there was barely any traffic, but he smiled ominously, his hand resting on the gear stick.

“It wouldn’t be a surprise, if I tell you.”, he explained calmly.

“Will it take much longer?”, she asked. “It’s going to be too late to drive back today.”

Her courses had ended in the early afternoon, because it was close of Christmas and a lot of courses had ended already. The schedule of her was reduced noticeably and it was nice to be able to leave University early on Fridays, when she had a 70-hours week for months. But if they wanted to drive back to LA today and still have a bit of time to do, whatever Rafael had on his mind, they were running out of time.

“We’re not driving back today.”

“We’re not?” She blinked and looked surprised at him.

“No, we’re doing a weekend trip.” Rafael smirked even more and his eyes were glistening in delight.

“But I have no clothes with me…”

“Yes, you have.” He pointed backwards towards the booth of the car. Catherine frowned and was not completely sure, how she should feel about it.

“How did you get my clothes?”

“I had a lovely talk with your neighbour, Mrs. Richards.”

“She gave the spare key to a foreigner?” Now, Catherine felt uncomfortable. She wriggled about on her seat. Mrs. Richards truly was a nice, elderly woman and her direct neighbour, but had the trust of elder people.

“She had seen us together, when we went to your apartment and when I told her, I’m planning a Birthday surprise, she gave it to me.”

“Hmm…”, Catherine hummed disgruntledly. She truly had to talk with Mrs. Richards, when she returned. What if it had been Nathan asking for it? Anyway, she would deal with it later. She did not want to think about it for today.

“Relax, Cath.”, Rafael’s deep baritone said soothingly and he tried to pat her shoulder without looking away from her street. He failed a few times and made them both laugh. “It’s not far anymore.”

Immediately, the comfortable atmosphere returned again. Catherine opened the window a little and enjoyed the fresh breeze dancing around her nose. She closed her eyes and nestled herself into the seat. She pulled her legs up and started to hum quietly. Rafael listened to the floating notes, a soft smile dancing around his lips. He was not able to understand a word of the ballade she was singing quietly, but he did not need to. It was song of hope, longing and sadness. There were no words necessary to understand the emotion, which Catherine interpret into the song. Her voice was soft, a crystal-clear soprano. It might not be the best singing voice at all, but it was not unpleasant to listen to. It was not hard to miss, she had a musical education, when she had been younger.

“Didn’t you sing this at my house once?”, he asked softly, when Catherine ended. She blinked astonished.

“Yes, I did.” It had been early in the morning and she had sung it quietly, while watching the ocean and blue sky. “I had no idea you heard it.”

“The wind carried it up through the window.”, Rafael explained. “It was a song in Japanese, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, it’s the opening of the anime called _the ancient magus bride_.” Catherine nodded. “It’s called _here_.”

“Do you speak Japanese?” Rafael briefly looked at her.

“You learn a little, while watching animes, but not much, no.” She smiled. “I learned out the lyrics and looked up the translation of the songs.”

“Why do you like them so much?”, Rafael asked honestly curious. It was not a hollow question, he truly wanted to know.

“It’s hard to say, but they are often songs of deep sadness or rising hope. The lyrics are often poetic or philosophic, or both.”, she explained and made an open gesture with her hand. Rafael was actually surprised, that she knew the difference between poetic and philosophic. “I find them beautiful and that they have a better quality than most pop songs in the US. The song, I just hummed, for example, roughly translates to…

_Why can’t I even breath, standing in the wreckage._

_The rain is a lullaby_ and so I close my eyes.

_Within this world, if I you wish to live another day, you must disguise as a flower that will captivate._

_You, I want to believe, but I cannot believe.”_

Catherine only wanted to tell him the translation, but with every word she recited from the song, the emotions took over her. She had been able to find her own truth within them and she could not say them neutrally like a poem she had learned out for class. It spoke to her and slowly, she began to hum the melody under the words until she truly started to sing, putting everything of her truth into it.

_“I’m powerless, I’m meaningless like every scar, but as I cry, tears fill inside, right through my heart._

_Through it all, I can hear, someone whispering ‘come near’._

_All that I miss, it’s infinite and so I see, tomorrow’s come with a new sun waiting for me._

_The one and only has come and there can only be one and at last, I’m here._

_There is a part of me that wants to forgive you, but I will not forget. I can’t understand yet._

_Within this world, if I were to live another day, I must learn this song and quickly learn to play along._

_If I want to believe, I just need to believe._

_Freedom’s a lie, even so I must cross that line._

_I’ll scream it loud, barren, I shout ‘I’ll make it mine’_

_And so, I turn away from the truth that’s in my way._

_Defy the Gods, despite the odds, I’ll find that light._

_Something so pure, I’ll search the world into the night._

_The one and only has come and there can only be one and at last I am here._

_For you there is always a place inside this heart of mine._

_In this beautiful, vicious world of ours, where the light hides_

_Hidden somewhere from our eyes._

_I’m powerless, I’m meaningless, like every scar, and as I cry, tears fill inside, right through my heart._

_Through it all, I can hear, someone whispering ‘come near’_

_All that I miss, it’s infinite and so I see, tomorrow’s come with a new sun waiting for me._

_The one and only has come and there can only be one and at last I’m here.”_

Catherine stopped and realised, that her eyes had become wet and how much she had put into this song to her own surprise. This was not, what she had intended.

Rafael on the other hand stayed quiet, but she could hear the thoughts running through his head. There was a concerned expression in the way he wrinkled his forehead. Then he pulled over and turned off the engine, undoing his seatbelt. He turned around in the seat. Catherine’s heart hammered inside her throat. Why did she always expose so much with him? Like she wanted him to know everything. Rafael leaned towards her and cupped her cheek.

“Is everything alright?”, he asked and rubbed soothing circles on her temple. “I can’t deny, the lyrics are poetical, but also concerning. You’re neither powerless, nor meaningless.”

“Hey, I had just caught my boyfriend cheating on me, when I sang it. I was allowed to be a bit desperate and sad.”

“And today? It’s your Birthday after all.”

“I’m fine, Rafa.”, she said and gently dissolved his hand from her cheek. “I’m more melancholic. It’s my first Birthday in over a decade. Literally and figuratively. My time finally starts to flow again.”

Rafael starred into her eyes for a long time, but he did not saw the deeply hidden sadness, which normally covered her eyes. All he saw, was a little blur and the wish to let the day not be polluted by it. He sighed, but let it be for now. He smiled testily and when Catherine returned it immediately, he felt relieved. It really got him worried for a few. Then, he gave in. Her Birthday should be a carefree day. He started the car and returned to the street.

They had reached the end of the mountains and turned west towards the sun. The landscape stayed rough and wild like in one of those old wild west movies, although they were still in California. With every minute that passed, Catherine grew more and more curious, what Rafael had in stock for her. Slowly, she became uneasy from her nervousness. It was the first time she was celebrating her Birthday in twelve years and that made her expectations too high. Tough, the way Rafael smirked, he had planned something special.

Ten minutes later, Catherine saw the answer on the horizon, when they drove down a hill.

“Is that…?”, she asked astonished. At the end of the street was a giant areal of prairie. Several buildings in old western style and white facades greeted them. There were also several trailers and little bungalows. In the distant, Catherine saw several big paddocks on which horses grazed peacefully. 

“A ranch. Yes.”, Rafael answered contently.

“Am I…” Catherine was so excited the words were failing her. Her heart jumped several times and she swirled around to him with brightly shining eyes. “I’m going to ride?”

“Yes.” Rafael turned the engine off, when he had reached the parking spot and both left the car. “The way you talked about Canzor showed you obviously miss it to ride.”

Catherine squealed high pitched, the sound almost echoing from the mountains framing this little valley. She ran around the car and threw herself around Rafael’s neck again. Rafael had expected a strong reaction of her, but she still almost threw him over.

“Thank you! Thank you, thank you!”, she gave profuse thanks to Rafael. Rafael looked down at her fondly and gently stroked through her hair. Not once since he knew her, he had seen her that happy. There was a light shining in her eyes, which had been gone for such a long time. Right here and now, she was free of everything holding her back. In this beautiful, raw nature, she was able to show her true potential. Before he even realised it, Catherine had kissed his cheek and smiled brightly at him. Rafael had expected her to be happy, but she looked like it meant the world to her. It eased his heart as well, when he saw her like this. Her brightness truly was infectious.

“You’re welcome, Cath.” He stroked gently over her cheekbone. At times, he was still surprised of himself how much he cared for her, how much tenderness rose within him in those situations. Somehow, Catherine was able to bring up a side of him, he rarely knew about. She had been through rough times and no one had been there for her. For many years, her needs and wishes had been irrelevant and although it was not his task to make it even, he wanted to. He wanted her to be happy, to get a little bit of the innocence and hope back, which had been taken away from her. She deserved better than what she had to endure.

The arrival of them had not stayed unnoticed. A man and woman left the white main house. They were both around forty and lean with brown hair and tanned skin. The man was wearing a lumber shirt, denims, brown leather chaps and cowboy boots. The woman wore a light blouson, denim and boots.

“Mr. Barba.” The man greeted them friendly and pushed the brim of his hat out of his face.

“Mr. and Mrs. Andrews. Thank you for making this possible.” Rafael shook both their hands and smiled widely. Catherine furrowed her brows about his fulsomely greeting, but this was part of the game he was so used to play.

“Oh please, not so formal.” Mr. Andrews laughed a deep rumble. “I’m Michael and this is my wife Betty.”

“Bettina, actually. I’m from Germany and it appears, this name is too complicated for the glorious US citizens.” Mrs. Andrews smiled widely and puffed her husband into the rips. Michael rolled his eyes, but threw a loving gaze at her.

“They’re clients of our law office.”, Rafael explained. “Their stable had burned down during the last fires and the insurances didn’t pay.”

A dark shadow flickered over the married couples faces and their eyes wandered to an area on the other side of the property. Just then Catherine realised the burned down skeletons, which likely had been the stables once. Despite a few burnt timbers, there was nothing left.

“I’m sorry.”, Catherine said and lowered her eyes, before she turned to Rafael. “You were back in your element, right? You won?”

“Of course, Cath.” Rafael threw a long gaze at her, asking silently, if she truly was questioning it. “You know me.”

“Good.” Catherine nodded approvingly, then her gaze wandered over the property. “It’s beautiful here. The perfect place for horses.”

“Oh, I see, you have a good eye.” Betty smiled proudly, while she followed Catherine’s gaze. “What do you think, shall we leave the boys alone and choose your horse for the weekend?”

Catherine hesitated and threw a quizzical gaze at Rafael.

“Is that really alright, Rafael?”, she asked concerned. “What are you going to do?”

 “I’ve enough books to read. Don’t worry about me.” Rafael smiled soothingly at her. He reached out and gently ruffled through her hair. “Go and have fun playing, child.”

Catherine threw a deathly gaze at him, but her mouth was smirking. Once again, she hugged Rafael gratefully, expression all of her emotions with his little gesture.

“Thank you, Rafael.”, she whispered, then she turned around and ran to Betty, who had left for the paddock on which around twenty horses were waiting for her.

“She seems to be a nice woman just a little shy and insecure. You’re quite a pair.”, Michael said, when he watched the two women standing on the fence, discussing the horses. Rafael watched him out of the corners of his eyes, trying to assess, what Michael was referring to, but he did not have the impression, he was judging them. He was just a straight-forward man, who spoke what was on his mind even more than Rafael. It had caused the lawyer a few more wrinkles of sorrows during their case, but it turned out in their favour in the end.

“We’ve known each other for a while, we’ve been through some troubles together, then we lost contact and met each other in LA again. She’d a rough time. Actually, her entire life had been. I’m taking care of her.” That was all of an explanation Rafael would give. Otherwise he would hurt Catherine’s right of privacy. Michael understood and only nodded. Catherine and Bettina had left for the tack room to get the equipment.

“What’s the plan for the weekend?”, Rafael asked, when the women came back. Catherine was wearing chaps over her denim and boots, a cowboy hat shielding her from the sun. The red headcollar hanging over their shoulders. For a moment, she turned her head towards Rafael and smiled at him, then entered the paddock. A few horses, some of them Mustangs, raised their heads and neighed towards the visitors.

“Betty is going to choose a horse for her, then they’re preparing it and test, if the two get along. Afterwards, they’ll ride out for around two hours.” Rafael nodded contently and watched, how Catherine stroked over the head of a white horse with black mane. The horse seemed to accept her and soon, she had put on the headcollar expertly. “Oh, Excalibur. A good choice.”

Rafael did not react to it. He only kept his eyes on Catherine. It was weird, how much of a habit it has become. He was always expecting her to have another break down or to be scared, but there were no signs of uneasiness in her. Actually, she seemed to be in her element. She talked lively with Betty, while she brushed down the stallion, who had his head lowered relaxed. Rafael was glad, his idea seemed to work out. Michael clapped on his shoulder and tore him out of the thought.

“She’ll be good for you.”, he said casually. Rafael was just about to snarl at him, that it was not his business, but Michael had already turned around. “Come on, I’ll show you your guests houses.”

Rafael sighed and dissolved his gaze from Catherine, before he followed the cowboy to the bungalows. When he had just carried the last bag into the houses- he had rented one for each of them- a loud bark cut through the air. Rafael turned around and saw a brown flash of fur racing past the main houses and up to the horses, which stayed calm.

“Sally!”, Michael’s voice echoed authoritative over the plain. Immediately, the German Shepard stopped and turned around to her owner. “Slowly.”

Sally barked again and trotted over to Catherine and Betty, who had stopped brushing the horse. Catherine knelt down and offered her hand to the dog, allowing Sally to sniff on her. The dog accepted and sniffed, then pressed its nose into her palm. Catherine smiled brightly and ruffled through the brown fur. Sally threw herself onto the ground, exposing her belly and wagging her tail excitedly. Rafael smiled, while Catherine’s laughter warmed his heart. Of course, Catherine was relaxed and comfortable in the presence of animals. Animals were honest, pure. She did not need to worry about their intentions or if they were trying to manipulate her.

Rafael closed the boot of his car and went into the house to change into more suiting clothes. He truly did not feel the urge to get his suit dirty. When he stepped back outside, Catherine was already up on the horse, riding a few rounds in the paddock. She was still a little uncomfortable, not completely sure, if she was able to after such a long time out of the saddle, but even Rafael could see, she was the only one worrying. Excalibur was walking smoothly and relaxed and Betty stood in the middle with a satisfied smile. Rafael leaned on the fence and watched, how Catherine’s caution disappeared with each round they took. Excalibur snorted contently, when she eased up on his back.

“Well, that looks great. See? You haven’t forgot a thing.”, Betty praised. “What do you say? Ready to go faster?”

“Absolutely.”, Catherine responded immediately. She shifted her weight deeper into the saddle and grabbed the reigns tighter. She moved her inner tight backwards and eased him forward. Excalibur reacted immediately and fell into a smooth canter. His hooved made a muffled sound in the sand. Catherine’s face became brighter with every jump. Her body adapted smoothly to the movements of the horse under her and it looked like she had never done anything else. Excalibur reacted sensible to her aids and it almost looked like they had known each other for years. After four rounds around the paddock, she slowed the stallion down into a trot and then back into walk.

“That was amazing.”, Catherine exclaimed and patted Excalibur’s neck as a praise. “Good boy.”

“Do you think, you two are going to be fine?”, Betty asked, although the answer was obvious.

“I think, we’ll good.”, Catherine answered, while smoothing Excalibur back into a trot and guided him into a circle. “Yupp, we’re good.”

“Excellent. I gonna get Red and then, we can leave. You can ride a few more rounds, if you like.” Betty smiled and left the practise paddock to get her horse. Catherine rode towards Rafael and stopped next to him. Rafael looked into the horse face cautiously. He always had been afraid of horses, although Excalibur was smaller than him. He had been in New York for almost all of his life and therefore rarely had any contact to animals in general despite dogs, cats and the ducks in Central Park. He only knew horses from movies and never had to face one in real life. Yet, Excalibur seemed to watch him closely and curiously. Could horses even have such emotions? He had absolutely no idea or knowledge about them.

“It feels so good to be back in the saddle, Rafa.” Catherine gleamed full of joy. Rafael had no idea, what was great about being at the mercy of a flight animal, but each to their own. Carefully, Rafael reached out and stroked Excalibur, who snorted and blew warm air into his face.

“See? No need to worry. You’re still able to ride.”

“You noticed?”, Catherine asked surprised.

“Of course.” Rafael smiled and realised, how soft and smooth the white fur was. “I know you for a while, Cath.”

“That you do.” Catherine smiled softly at him. “And I you. I see, how you’re uncomfortable. You don’t need to stay here and stroke him. Tough, I appreciate your effort.”

“Thanks, but I’m good. I just haven’t had to deal with horses often, that’s all.” Excalibur snorted again as if he wanted to say it was absurdity. Rafael chuckled and slowly, his uneasiness disappeared.

“Thank you, Rafael. I can’t thank you enough for it.”

“You don’t have to. I’m glad it worked out.”

“Catherine, are you ready?” Bettina snaffled a red-furred horse and closed the straps. Catherine’s eyes wandered back to Rafael.

“Is it really alright for you?”

“Stop being considerate, Cath. It’s your Birthday. You’re supposed to have fun. Off you go.” He clapped Excalibur’s neck and whispered to the horse: “Take good care of her. I need her back.”

Catherine laughed and rode out of the paddock, where Bettina and Red were awaiting her. She waved once again at Barba, then both left for the setting sun. Rafael looked after them. The mountains rose in front of them and when they reached open terrain, both horses fell into a canter. Catherine cheered loudly, while the hooves thundered over the ground. Rafael smiled contently. It had exactly turned out as he planned. When the two women had disappeared out of sight, he turned around and left for the guest house. There were books, which were awaiting him. It was going to be a calm weekend. Who would have thought he was ever going to look forward to it?

~*~

The sun had disappeared behind the mountains and the full moon rose from its daily sleep. Rafael sat on the terrace of the simple, but quaint bungalow in a rocking chair and read a book. A few crickets chirped in different keys and he could hear the distant sounds of the horses walking over the paddock. It was so quiet. Rafael was not used to it. He could almost hear his heart beating calmly. Slowly, he was able to understand, what Catherine had meant with deafening silence and it showed, how used his hearing was to noises. It was almost not endurable, but a nice change. The delicious, herb scent of barbecue filled the air. Rafael smiled contently and turned the page. In a barrel in front of his crackled a fire contently and ate the sacrificed wood. The flames danced ghostly over his face and warmed his skin. The warm, herb scent of roasted meat flew through the air, watering the mouth of everyone around. When the women had just left for their ride, Michael had heated up the smoker so that a buffet of meat, oven potatoes and buttered corn, was waiting for the women.

Catherine and Betty had just cantered back to the Ranch and were looking after the horses, putting away the equipment and bringing Excalibur and Red Lyric back to the paddock. Sally rested in her dog house, keeping a close eye on her territory, checking if her territory was alright. It somehow felt as if this valley had fallen out of time. Everything had a different pace, was slowed down. It was a different world with an old charm and Rafael got, why so many were idolizing the colonial times. Sometimes, simplicity was the only thing necessary. Luxury was only optional, tough it had been obligatory for him for such a long time. Maybe, just maybe, the weekend would ground him a little, get all the still existing stress out of his body. He was looking forward to a weekend without sorrows and tears. To a relaxed weekend together with Catherine, whose company he truly enjoyed. He just hoped she would finally understand it as well.

Just in this moment, Catherine let herself fall down in the other rocking chair. She pulled her hair band out of her brown curls, which sprang free and stood into every direction. She was panting from exhaustion, but underneath her flying breath, was a happy laughter.

“Good ride?”, Rafael asked, while marking his position in the book and closing it.

“Splendid!”, Catherine exclaimed and stretched lazily like a cat within the chair. “I had no idea, I missed it that much. The landscape is astonishing and Excalibur is amazing. Such smooth paces and so sure-footed.”

Her eyes were on fire, sparkling as bright as an aquamarine, in an impossible, beautiful dance of ice and fire. She licked her lips in excitement and ruffled through her messy hair, but then the overflowing energy slowly ran out. With a deep breath, she found her calmness back. The fire burned down to embers, her face becoming smooth and almost blissful. She pulled her rocking chair closer to him and leaned forward.

“I know, I said it a lot today and likely will a few more times, but seriously, thank you so much, Rafa. It was the best Birthday present, I had in a long time.”

“Oh, that wasn’t your present.” Rafael smirked triumphally, when he saw the confusion in her eyes. Catherine leaned back in the chair and blinked several times.

“It isn’t?”

“No. How many times did I tell you to listen closely?”, he asked and teasingly poked her nose.  Catherine flinched back reflexively and rubbed her nose, while Rafael laughed amused. He truly had no idea, out of which deep corner of his conscious this playfulness came, but he was enjoying it. “I said, the trip is a compensation for all the times, you’ve showed me around. _This_ is my present.”

He reached into the pockets of the chinos he had changed into. With a smooth motion, he got out a little box covered in black velvet and decorated with a silver ribbon. He could see her surprise in the way her eyes widened and she threw an uneasy gaze at him through the corner of her eyes. Then, she eyed the package cautiously as if it was poisoned. She did not know, what his intention was, because the package suggested something, she had never thought about. Rafael saw, how every moment of their relation ran through her eyes, assessing, if and when it turned into this direction without her notice. If she truly had been that blind to miss such an important thing.

“No worries. It’s not jewellery.”, he anticipated her question, which was written all over her face. “It was just the only package suiting.”

Catherine breathed out in relief a little too quick to be polite. Rafael frowned for a moment. Would it be that bad, if it was? If he might have the intention Catherine was fearing? Was it that absurd, she was glad, she did not have to bump him? Although he never had thought in the direction of getting romantically involved with her, it stung him a little. Catherine seemed to have realised as well, because she flinched in shame and threw an apologetic gaze at him. Rafael lifted the corners of his mouth to show, he did not mind, though he did a little. She should not feel guilty on her day. She did far enough on every other day. Catherine nodded and leaned forward again. Carefully, she took the little box from his hand, rested it in her lap and opened it. The dark velvet of the inner box swallowed almost all the light of the moon, but glistened even brighter in the cold shimmer.

“A key?”, she asked confused, when she looked back up at Rafael. It was not, what she had expected. Neither as the content of the box nor as her Birthday present. Catherine took it out and let her fingers run over the sharp mountains and valleys of the key bit.

“I had the impression you’re still feeling uncomfortable in your flat.” She had never said it in a word, because she did not want to trouble Rafael even more, but he had read it between the lines of her messages or the slight tremble in the undertone of her voice. That, and every time he wrote or phoned her, she had been somewhere outside, although Catherine was a person to rather stay at home. Catherine was surprised and yet, she was not. Why was she still expecting, Rafael would not notice, what was going on with her? The mask she had been wearing for most of her life, had shattered a long time ago and she only tried pathetically to held a few shards in front of her so that most would never see, how broken, desperate and ugly her soul was. It fooled most, but never him. Where Catherine saw the truth through her empathetic instinct, Rafael saw it through experience.

“This.” Rafael tipped onto the key in her open hand. “Is the key to my house. Whenever you feel uncomfortable in your flat and want to get out, feel free to come over even when I’m not there. The guest bedroom will always be prepared for you.”

Her surprised clashed like a lightning between them and explode in pure intensity. Catherine had no chance to decrease the force of her emotions and therefore Rafael felt hit by the stung of electricity, which put her nerves on fire. Catherine starred at him, trying to say a word, but her brain could not find the words, her mouth wanted to say. His offer had caused such a shock, that the wits of her failed this time. Rafael had expected it to a degree. He was aware, what it meant to her. Her flat was not a sanctuary anymore, in which she could feel safe and therefore, he offered his. He knew, she had felt free and comforted in his house, while in her tiny two room apartment, she often had the feeling of being strangled, of being put back into a cage. A dream of freedom had tuned into a nightmare of betrayal. He had thought for a while, if he should truly do it, but the one and a half week spend with her showed, he had no problem at all. Catherine was a considerate guest and most of the time, when they had not been together, he had not even noticed, she was there. Sometimes, he had caught himself starring out on the terrace to see, if she was still there or if she had left, because of the driven urge of her guilt for cutting into his personal life. For Catherine, there were not many other things that felt as uncomfortable as her intruding into someone else privacy. For her, it felt like she was doing to him, what the triplets had done to her.

“I---I can’t accept that.”, she spluttered finally, though her fingers twitched. She wanted to enclose this little piece of metal, that would open another, new pocket dimension for her, where reality stays behind the front door.

“Luckily, that’s out of question. It’s a present after all.” Once again, Catherine was speechless by the simple, yet powerful argument of his. It was true. It would be impolite to decline and Catherine would never do that.

“Rafael, why? Is there…” The concern of her, he might want more than what they were having, was not completely dismissed and she could not find the courage to bring up a potential romance. It was likely, what she was afraid of the most. Normally, giving someone the key to the house means the next step in a relationship. Catherine was afraid the tables might have turned and he felt more in this than she did and she did not want to hurt him. He saw, how she was searching for words to decline it, to politely telling him, she was not feeling like this. Rafael only threw a long, tired gaze at her. He could understand her, but he saw it pragmatic.

“Let me get this straight, before you’re getting lost in a maze of thoughts, you didn’t even have to enter. No, I’m _not in love_ with you.”, he clarified and once again, she breathed out in relief like a ton of stone fell from her heart. “I just don’t mind, if you stay in my place. The house feels too big for me alone most of the time anyway and you don’t feel at home in your flat anymore. So, why should I not give you my key? It’s a win-win situation for the both of us.”

Rafael grabbed her hand and closed her fingers around the key, making clear, he would not accept it back. Catherine starred down at it, but then gulped heavily, a tear falling down on the fist. For a moment, she rested it against her forehead as if the kindness offered with the gesture could seep into her brain and finally made it recognise it. Then, she put it into her pocket and hugged him tight without saying a word, but Rafael heard every single one running through her head. He smiled and kissed her temple briefly, letting her know, he accepted every single one of her silent words.

“But you have to admit, Rafa…”, she whispered, her warm breath tickling his shoulder. “…it awoke that impression.”

“I do.”, he declared soberly. “That was intended.”

“What?”, she yelped and sat herself back on her heels. “Why did you do that?”

“To tease you.” Rafael shrugged casually and rose himself out of chair. Catherine stood up, too.

“You bastard.”, she groaned and slapped his arm. Rafael laughed and left the terrace, walking towards the main house. Catherine glared angrily after him. “Putting me in such stress.”

“It would come over wrongly anyway, so why not at least having a little fun with it?” Rafael turned around, his head towards the full moon so she was not able to see anything of his face despite the bright grin on his face, which made him appear once again like the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland. “Despite, this reaction was intended as well. You slapped me. That’s an improvement. You wouldn’t have done that, if you don’t feel comfortable with me.”

Catherine’s mouth fell open. It had been a little test to find out her true feelings. To get an indication, if all his effort were in vein. But he was right. She would never had slapped him, if she did not trust him. It meant, she knew, he would never hurt her, even if she provoked it. With the triplets, giving in to such a playful gesture- as if she had ever felt playful with them- could have meant her death sentence.

“Now, come along and don’t think too much. Michael prepared a Barbecue for us and if you don’t hurry up, I’m going to eat it all on my own.”

For a moment, Catherine looked after him, how he almost melted with the darkness, but the moon reappeared from behind a cloud and made him shine. For him, she might be the light and he was the darkness, but for her, it was the other way around. In the end, it did not matter. None of it could exist without the other. She smiled and then realised in shock, that he had almost reached the house.

“Hey, wait for me!” She jumped down the three stairs of the terrace and raced after him. She would not give him her meat without a proper fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Puuh, that was an emotional roller coaster for me. But seriously, who would have thought, Rafa would be so cute, hmm? The perfect gift to Catherine and I suprised myself, when he gave her the key. I also enjoy this trusted and playful side, they were showing each other at the beginning and end of the chapter. We're slowly getting forward, aren't we?
> 
> How did you like the song, Cath sung? I found it very suiting for her. I'm quite glad, some youtubers do the work to sing english versions of japanese openings. Made all that a bit easier :) beforehand, I had another song in my mind, but the translation sounded very rough.  
> If you're interested, it was this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2EjPTrNZ2Ts&list=LLknr5CVOFJ45wftpgAAXKHQ&index=3&t=0s Maybe, I gonna use it later on. I mean, Raúl worked on Broadway, he can definitely sing as well. :) I hope they'll sing together once. 
> 
> Anyway, thank you so much for reading :) Next chapter comes as usually next Saturday. It's going to be another crossroad for them...but after that, I'm really figuring out the plot. It's a bit loose, then. It would either be the net drama or fluffy. Not so sure, which way to go yet. I think, I have to test and figure it. :)
> 
> Comment appreciated as always. *wave* see you next time. Subaru =)


	15. Presents of the soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Christmas time ~~
> 
> Rafael leaves for New York over the Holiday and Catherine stays behind.

  1. Chapter Presents of the soul



Catherine hated Christmas. It was the time of the year, she felt the most, what she had lost. When everyone around her was happy, searching for the perfect gifts for their beloved ones, she felt the loneliest. Sadly, the US citizens loved to exaggerate. She could not walk a single step without seeing the colourful lights, hearing the sad notes of _Last Christmas_ or being greeted by a snowman. She saw people walking arm in arm, grandparents playing with their grandchildren. The city was filled in a familial atmosphere, soft and warm and cuddly. Everyone was happy and rubbed it in. No one paid attention to her. On Christmas, she was a ghost, which no one noticed. She had been a ghost all the time, she had needed to be, but it still hurt deep inside of her. Twelve years and she still had not got used to it. Every time, she saw a child running into the arms of her parents, tears filled her eyes and her throat became tight. It showed her how empty she was inside. The missing love of her parents, made her feeling shaky deep on the inside. She had grown strong and hard over the years, but her roots were instable.

Sadly, this year it was not any different. LA was an ocean of humans, pressing themselves through the streets and into the shops. Catherine avoided to go out and buried herself to her flat. She did not even contact Rafael, although the weekend trip on her Birthday had been a success and they both were closer than ever. She could not endure his friendliness. She needed to be alone in her misery. She did not want to ruin his Christmas mood, which was important to every else. No one was responsible for her past and destiny and should not suffer under it. She had to deal with it on her own. Yes, on her own, all alone. Where was one supposed to celebrate Christmas, the festival of family, of coming home, when you had none of it?

Catherine had asked Rafael, if they should celebrate Christmas together. Two lonely souls, being alone together. Rafael had been surprised and told her, he was going to New York over the Holidays. The SVU had invited him to their Christmas party and he had wanted to speak to his mother again. He had offered her to accompany him. He had said, he would not have minded, but he did too often for her liking currently. She would not have felt comfortable to invade this reunion. She was not part of his family and was never going to be. Of course not, it was foolish to even think about it. Catherine had laughed at herself. When given the choice, Rafael would choose his family and friends over her. She was only a replacement in his exile. Someone, who gave him a purpose, when he had lost everything, which had defined him.

Catherine hated once again, how depended she had become on him. She felt helpless, confused and disorientated, when he was not with her. It felt, like she lost every strength, she had gained and became the vulnerable child, which had been left behind in the woods, calling out for her parents, but no one answered. Nevertheless, Catherine was happy for him, that he was returning to his friends and his mother. He deserved it. Almost a year, he had lived in the self-imposed exile. It was not being imprisoned and yet it was. He had defined the rules of his prison and they were stricter than in any jail. Catherine did not want to become his new cage, his new chains. She could not endure it to destroy his life and hope. She had caused enough damage to her own life and would do everything not to do this to others.

Just one wish, Catherine had asked of him, before he left, leaving her alone, although it was only temporary. Just one wish she had for Christmas and this time she could not swallow her selfishness. Not this time, when she had a little more than all those other Christmases before. Someone, she wanted to spend it with. She had asked of him to call her. It did not have to be long, or anything at all, just a sign, someone was thinking of her on this day. Selfish wish of her, for sure, but her only one. Rafael had starred at her, when she had expressed her wish, his brown eyes, with the little green sparkling in the right light, starring at her in wonder. For him, it might have sounded like a little thing, nothing special, but he had been able to see, what it meant to her. He had smiled, when she had looked up at him with shivering mind and body. He had kissed her on the forehead, promising it to her silently and he had kept it. On Christmas Eve her phone, which she had held close the entire day, starred at it even, had rang and asked for a video call. When she had answered, she had felt relieved, happy even, but what she had been faced with, had been too much. Instead of Rafael alone, she had been faced with the entire SVU, cheering towards her, and Noah on his arms. Rafael had had good intentions, the best even. It showed, he had understood, what the true wish under her outspoken had been. He had wanted to show her, there were more persons thinking of her, but it had been too loud, too much stimulation, too much of _everything_. They all had beamed so warmly and brightly, which had made her feel ever so cold. Catherine had not known, what to say, what to do, how to behave. Her throat had become dry and tight, while she was washed away by all the words, but she had always been a good actor. So, she had smiled and laughed and joked with them all, but she had no idea, what she had said. Her mouth had said, what they had wanted to hear, but her brain had not recognised anything of it. Soon, her brain had tried to protect her from the overstimulation and made all those noises step back, becoming white noise in her ears, while she answered automatically. Just one thing, she had not been able to cut out and that was the expression on Rafael’s face, while he had tried to coordinate Noah, who had hold onto him tightly, and his phone. It had been an expression she had never seen before. One of ease, comfort and happiness. This had been, where he belonged and where he was happy. They were his family. He might had moved to LA, but his heart would always be in New York. It had been then, when a new fear had risen within her. A thought, slowly blossoming, she had successfully suppressed up to this point. Now, she had no chance to get rid of it. What if Rafael decided to go back?

Christmas had left her emotionally messed up and without Rafael to talk sense into her with his logic, the thought took over control. Whenever it was quiet, it sneaked up on her and did not leave, sat down on her and pressed her down on her couch. It sang the thought over and over again like a children’s song, predicting Rafael would leave her as soon as he had the chance and according to his expression, that was not far away. Catherine knew, she had to talk about it with him. She had promised him to express her fears and doubts and he deserved that much.

That was why she was sitting here on his couch on the 3’rd January, waiting for him to come back. No, that was not true. She had been here since the 27’th December. With the fear coming back at her over and over again, her flat had become too small to escape, to hide from the darkness arising within her. She had needed to get out, before she was drowning within her flat. Rafael’s key had blinked on her coffee table and then, she had just decided, she would curl herself together anyway, why not enjoying the view over the ocean at the same time?

To distract herself, she had decided to decorate his house a little. She had turned on Christmas Music loud enough to mute the voices within her. It was another kind of running away and she knew it, but she was too fragile to care. She was left in abeyance and she hated that feeling. Now, there was nothing left for her to do and all she could do was waiting.

The hand of the clock ticked loudly from the corner of the room. Catherine’s heart clenched tighter with every strike and she pulled her legs closer to her body.

Then, the keys turned in the lock and there was a hesitation, because it was not unlocked. Catherine jumped up and pressed her hands against her chest, while her heart raced. The door opened hesitantly.

“It’s just me, Rafa.”, she said loudly and successfully suppress the tremble in her voice. The movement just stopped once again, this time it appeared to be relieved. Rafael opened the door and left the trolley in a corner. He stood in the door frame, looking at her rather surprised, because she had never used the key before. Catherine smiled slightly insecure, the corners of her mouth twitching in a strange angle. “I’m sorry. I should have told you, I’m here.”

“It’s okay. That’s what it was for.” Rafael put down his bag and closed his door. He walked up to her and gently kissed her forehead. Catherine closed her eyes and enjoyed the warmth and fondness seeping through every fibre of her body. “Merry belated Christmas and a Happy New Year, Cath.”

“Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, Rafa.”, she whispered back. “May the next year be better than the last one.”

She looked sadly up at him and touched his cheek. He had grown much older during the three years she had not seen him. There were more grey strands entwined in his thick, black hair and the sorrows of a prosecutor for one, if not the, most stressful department of New York’s police were written on his face. The guilt of ending the life of Drew was engraved in his tanned skin as much as in his soul and yet, she was asking for more strength of him, although he needed to rest. She was worried of him. Only at the Christmas Celebration, his facial expression had been soft and he looked as young as back then. Rafael tilted his head and cupped her hand. He knew, she was wishing it for him.

“It wasn’t all bad.” He dissolved from their embrace and looked at her closely. He had not missed the melancholic undertone of her voice. This time, tough, Catherine did not try to play pretend. He stroked a strand of hair out of her face and rested there for a moment. “Is everything alright?”

“No.” She shook her head sadly and then looked back up at him and smiled. Catherine took his hand from her face, lowered it down and squeezed it. “But it’s not that important to talk about it immediately. You’ve just arrived. Settle down, then we can talk.”

“I’m fine.”, he dismissed. “We should, now. Get it over and done with.”

“Rafael, please.”, she pleaded and hold onto his hand, when he wanted to sit down on the couch. Gently, she turned him back around and cupped his cheek. “It’s for _me_ and not you. Please, do me this favour. I would feel guilty, if we did. It would feel like I’m forcing myself on you, although you’re tired and exhausted. I would feel selfish, if we talk about it, now. Give me this bit of time, please.”

Rafael assessed her thoroughly, his deep eyes scanning every fibre of her iris, searching for the truth she was not willing to talk about yet. Catherine returned his gaze unwaveringly, assuring him, she was not backing down.

“I won’t let it go that easily.”, he declared as his agreement. Catherine touched his cheek fondly with her free hand.

“I know.”, she whispered softly. “I’m not going to run away. I promised you to never do this again and I won’t. If I do, I would betray you and that’s something, I will never do.”

“Okay.” Rafael breathed out and cupped her hand. He had understood, she wanted to take care of him, before she would pollute the mood. It was her way to apologise, before she would end the Holidays once and for all. She felt like she was robbing him of his good mood. One act of kindness, before she had to give in to her selfishness.

“Welcome back home, Rafael.”, she said with a smile, what she should have said first, but had been denied by Rafael’s sharp perception. Catherine was not able to hide the little jump of happiness in her voice. Although his return had never been out of question, it felt like he had returned to her. It was, what her heart wanted to believe, but her mind laughed at her for the thought, scolding her foolish. “How was the trip?”

Rafael let her go, rested his suit jacket over his armchair and sat himself back on the couch. His eyes wandered around.

“It was good to see them all again.” Rafael eyed her cautiously. He was clever enough to guess, what was troubling her and he did not want to sound too excited, because it would hurt her. “Mami and I are back on speaking terms. She is still blaming me for Abuelita’s death.”

“She’s actually blaming herself, but it’s easier to be angry with you than with herself.” Catherine eyed him sadly. Rafael sighed and folded his hands in his lap.

“And it should be like that. I was pushing to bring her into a nursing home.”

“That’s typical for a child to always protect their parents. You did with suggesting to give your grandmother into care and you did afterwards to allow your mother to blame you in her grief, but you’re not a scapegoat.” Catherine shook her head and forced a smile back onto her lips, because it was not the topic for today. “But I’m glad, she’s talking with you again. You looked so happy during your face time call.”

Rafael frowned and raised an eyebrow. Oh shit. He smelled the rat. She had given away too much. Luckily for her, Rafael decided to let her go for now. He only looked at her and Catherine hurried to get into the kitchen to offer him a drink.

“You’ve decorated.”, he noticed, when he looked around, watching the red and white garlands and the decorated Christmas tree, she had organised for him.

“I hope, you don’t mind.”, Catherine said from the kitchen, where she pouring him a glass of scotch. “I needed to keep myself busy to escape my thoughts.”

“Is that the reason, why you’re here?” Rafael looked up at her, when she came back into the living room and handed him his drink. He thanked her and took a small sip.

“Yes.” Catherine sat down next to him with a hot chocolate in her hand. “It felt like my dark thoughts were echoing from the walls. It was too small, too full, too loud. It felt like being buried under them.”

Rafael put the glass down on the wooden coffee table and hugged her close. Catherine startled in surprise, but much less than she would have before. It only took her a few seconds to relax in his embrace. Rafael’s affection slowly started to become a pleasant normality and his warmth felt like a childhood-blanket, which protected her from all evil. It was the moment, when she realised, she could not be without him anymore. No, she did not _want_ to be without him. Rafael was, what had been missing in her life since her brother and grandparents had died.

“Catherine, please tell me, why are you so sad?” Rafael dissolved and took her hands in his. There was a deep sorrow in his eyes and Catherine realised, she was hurting him. She had tried to keep his happiness for a little longer by delaying the conversation, but it appeared, she had caused the opposite. Catherine closed her eyes in shame. That was not, what she had intended.

“I’m sorry, Rafael. I tried to keep it away from you just a little while longer.” Shyly, she raised her eyes to meet gaze. She did not know, what she expected. She knew, Rafael would never hurt her and yet, she still feared to be beaten up, that she needed to be submissive, to please. Although she felt a strong bond to Rafael from her side, deep within her, she still feared one selfish act of her, one wrong move, would make it break. That their friendship was not strong enough for that. Although he was the kindest and most caring person, she had ever met. He put everything into her without asking for anything in return. Just once, she wanted to do something for him, but she had failed. She had not been able to hide it from him. Why? She had always been a great actor, easily fooling everyone, faking emotions, they wanted to see. She could smile so bright, no one would notice the dark sea deep inside of her. But right now, she was not able to craft a new mask. Not even that she was able to do for him. No, she did not _want_ to wear a new one. She actually wanted someone to see her true self. Was it a sinful wish of her?

“Cath, hey, look at me.” Gently, he lifted her chin and made her look at him. Catherine blinked several times, trying to wipe the guilt out of her eyes. “I don’t want you to keep it away from me. I don’t want you to pretend to be strong for my sake. What’s troubling you?”

Catherine swallowed hard. With a scared expression in her eyes, she looked at him and instinctively, she squeezed his hand tighter. Deep inside of her, she noticed, how he was squeezing back and it almost broke her down to tears. He was too kind, too gentle, she almost could not endure it. It still felt like she did not deserve it. She had thought a lot about how to bring up this topic sensitively, had played through several dialogues between them over and over again, but now, it was all gone. In the end, she decided to say it directly. Rafael did not like to beat around the bush anyway.

“Do you want to go back to New York?” If Rafael was surprised, he did not show it. There was no change of expression on his face. Rafael stayed his calm, natural self, which had helped her so many times.

“How do you get this idea?” There was no blame in his smooth voice. Rafael did not dismiss it or made it sound ridiculous. All she could hear, was his will to understand her. Until he did not know, what laid beneath her words, he would not judge her. Probably, he would never judge her. Catherine could not deny, she still had problems to handle it.

Catherine started to shiver under her inner tension, which was caused by her fear. Just the thought Rafael might leave her, scared her to the deepest core of her, where her inner child was hiding. She had lost everyone up to now and she was not sure, if she could endure another one. But that should not be Rafael’s concern and especially not his duty. He should not deny his wish just because she could not endure it to be left again. Rafael still held her hand, a warm point against her cold desperation. Slowly, his calmness climbed up through their joined hands and washed around her, soothed her.

Rafael waited for her to speak, his thumb rubbing soothingly over her hand. Catherine was as strong as a person could be and yet, at the same time, the most scared. If he were too loud or too fast, she would shy away like a doe.

“Because…”, she stopped and licked her lips nervously. Her eyes flickered up and down, while she tried to speak, but the words seemed too heavy to be able to rise from her throat. The words, she needed to say, pained her more than everything the triplet had done to her. It felt like she was not enough, although she wanted nothing more than being good enough. “…you were _happy_.”

The last word was thin and pressed like she was hissing in pain and tears wetted her irises. Rafael’s forehead crinkled a little. He opened his mouth to ask in which regard that was a problem, but then the cognition flickered through his dark eyes, made the lake of calmness of them move. Catherine could not hold his gaze. He knew, she wanted to run away, but he would not let her. Not this time, because this conversation, he had just realised, had the potential to tear everything apart. Rafael lifted her head carefully. Catherine tried to avoid his eyes as long as she could, but in the end, she was not able to. His eyes said so much silently, which Catherine’s subconscious understood, but her mind was not able to put it in words.

“And you think, I’m not happy here.”, he whispered.

“Your heart and home are in New York.” Catherine’s voice shivered just like her hand in Rafael’s. “Your place is there…not here.”

“Not with you?”, he asked the real question with scaring accuracy. Catherine bit her lip. She did not know, how to answer that question. She felt foolish for giving herself such an important role in his life and denying it at the same time. She had given him all of her, but she had no idea, which role she played for him. She did not know, if she was enough to keep him. She almost screamed in frustration, when she heard her own thoughts. It was sinful to think that way. The triplets had tried to chain her to them by controlling her and now, she was trying the same. Despicable. Rafael’s gaze on her felt heavy, judging as if he was finally able to see her rotten core. To see her ugly, true face. Catherine bit her lips and stopped breathing.

“I just…” She hiccupped to her surprise and covered her mouth quickly. Catherine waited, expecting him to laugh at her, although she knew, he would never. Her heart, who had been able to understand his true nature, and her mind, which was blinded by her traumata, were fighting against each other again. “I just want to know, if this possibility exists.”

“No, that’s not the question. Superficially, maybe, but there is another one underneath it.” His frown deepened and his eyes ran from side to side, going through several scenes of them together.

“Oh…”, he exclaimed softly. “It was the video call, wasn’t it?”

Catherine blinked in surprise and Rafael got, what he wanted. She looked into his eyes.

“I had overwhelmed you with it, didn’t I?” His eyes caught her, denying her to hide her answer from him, even when she said nothing. “It was too much and therefore, you became scared. I had the feeling something was off with you, but I had no idea, where to put it.”

“Yes.”, she finally admitted.

“Which fear was born at this point?”, Rafael asked and his voice did not flicker around his inflection. He still stayed calm like a lake. There was not a single wave on its surface. He wanted to provide a feeling of security, of understanding and compassion.

“That you want to go back.” Catherine gulped and her fingers dug deeply into her palm. “And I’m scared of how I would be without you.”

“You were fine before.”, Rafael stated. 

“No…”, she said tonelessly, tiredly. “I thought, I was, but apparently, I’d only become that good in pretending, I believed it myself. I thought, I’d dealt with it, that I was over it. It turned out, I only played hide and seek with my trauma. The coping started, when I met you. For the first time, I felt brave enough to look into my demon’s eyes.”

“And you don’t want me to become that important to you, because it would force me into responsibility.” Catherine nodded quickly and clenched her hands together.

“I don’t want to be your chains, Rafa.” She bit her bottom lip to prevent the tears to fall. “I don’t want you to hate me in the end.”

“I would never hate you, Cath.”, Rafael said concerned. He stroked a strand out of her eyes and his fingerprints burnt into her skin, because she was not deserving it. It felt like she was consumed by the hellfire, which had been asleep inside of her.

“Yes, you will.”, Catherine almost shouted and Rafael startled surprised about the sheer force of her voice. “Because I’m the only thing preventing you from going back. But New York is where you belong. New York is, where you are happy and I can never replace, what you left there.”

“You’re not supposed to be Olivia, Cath.”, Rafael said calmly and Catherine winced in shame. He had seen right through her again. “Every relation has its own, personal purpose. One could never replace another.”

“But I’m not _enough_ for making you want to give up on all of this.” Rafael stayed quiet for a while, stunned, while Catherine had lowered her head and fought against the burning tears in her eyes. She heard him sigh heavily and he was likely pinching his eyebrows. He would be annoyed of her soon, she was sure of it and she could not blame him. She felt like she was stuck in a mental maze and ran into a new dead end every day, passing by sorrows and fears, they had already figured out. How could anyone want to stay with such a mess that happened to be her?

“That’s still my decision to be made, Cath.” Rafael’s tone had become stricter. His jaw tensed, causing the words to sound pressed. Catherine whimpered, the first tears searching their ways out of her lashes and fell onto her denim.

“You don’t know, what you’re getting involved with.”, she whispered painfully, squeezing her eyes shut.

“I’m involved for almost a year.” Rafael chuckled dryly, humorously. “I think, I know very well.”

His deep eyes fell onto her and there was something in them, Catherine was not able to express. Was it disappointment? Impatience?

“It’s up to me to decide, Catherine.” _Catherine_. Her name roared mercilessly inside of her ears. How wrong it sounded from his mouth. As if it did not belong to her anymore. She was _Cath_ , not _Catherine_. It felt like he was withdrawing a level of affection from her by using her birthname. She was losing him. He was slipping out of her hands. “Otherwise, you would restrict my freedom and that’s incapacitating.”

These words struck her like a flash. She scrambled out of his embrace and pressed herself against the armrest. Her blue eyes looked scared at him and her heart raced in fear against her rib cage. Even Rafael looked at her with wide eyes, stunned and shocked by her reaction. She had hurt him. Rafael was sick of her. A cold flood of panic ran through her body, making everything inside of her clench, but at the same time, she felt relieved. Finally, he would turn his back on her and save himself. She would not be his doom. This time, her curse would not fulfil itself. It would not swallow him. At least once, she could save someone from herself. It was for the best, if he left, now.

Catherine unfolded herself from her defence body position and tried to get up. Her presence was not allowed and desired anymore. She had expected this relation not to last and now, the day had come she had feared for so long. Before her feet landed on the floor, Rafael had grabbed her at the shoulder. Gently, he turned her around. His face was soft, now, and there was an almost endless sadness in his eyes. Catherine could not withstand this expression of disappointment.

“I’m sorry, Rafa.”, she whined with a plea coming from the deepest corner of her soul. Her fingers clenched into her trousers, while her breath was ragged. It was one last try to gain his favour back. Although it might be for the better, she did not want to go. “I only want to protect you.”

It seemed the only thing she needed to protect him from was herself. Immediately, she could feel the tension in Rafael’s body disappear. Gently, he wrapped his arms around her shoulders and rested her head against his collarbone.

“I know.” He sighed heavily and rested his chin on her head.

“I shouldn’t be that depended on you. I shouldn’t be that scared of living without you.” Her fingers clenched into his shirt once again, the fabric rustling in protest. “It can’t be healthy.”

“I’m the first one caring for you in a very long time. Of course, you’re holding onto me and I’m allowing you to.” Rafael gently cradled her head and held her tight, almost as if he was holding onto her as well. Or was he trying to protect her from her dark thoughts? “If I wasn’t willing to do it, I could walk away. You wouldn’t stop me. Quite the opposite, you’re trying to chase me away in order to protect me. Therefore, I’m never going to blame you for it, because you didn’t decide it. That wouldn’t be _fair_ to you.”

Catherine swallowed and tears streamed down her face. She should feel relieved, that he would never hate her, but she did not. For her, it was an excuse of his. Something he said to calm her down. There was no truth in it for her. The words tasted bitter and sour like an unpleasant medicine she needed to take to heal. Or maybe, she was just projecting this meaning into them, because she knew, they were, what she needed.

“Please stop.”, she pleaded with a constrained voice and she clenched her hands into her hair. “Please stop being that kind and understanding. Otherwise…otherwise…”

“Otherwise what, Cath?”, Rafael whispered and cupped her cheek.

“I will completely open up myself. I’m going to give up my last piece of protection. It’s what I wish and scare the most. After this, there is no turning back anymore. I will likely become even more instable. I don’t know, what else is locked up in the deepest corners of my soul. I’m scared, what you’re going to think of me then.”

“Do you believe darkness to be the basis of your soul?”

“What else should be locked down there? If I’m like this right now, it’s likely, whatever my subconscious hid there must be worse.”

“Or better.”

“Why should I lock my light away and expose myself to the darkness?” Catherine looked up and showed another protection mechanism. Her emotions disappeared and she became clinical rational. The words and her voice seemed to come from another dimension in which she had transferred her conscious to prevent it from being infected by her subconscious.

“To save it?” Rafael shrugged. “I guess, you realised, it would be swallowed by the darkness of your prison and therefore you locked it away to protect it. You’ve forgotten, it’s down there in order to make sure, it would never be exposed to the dark. Only, when you’re strong enough to face the entire might of it, you’re able to get it back.”

“That’s as likely as the other explanation.”, Catherine huffed. It sounded ridiculous.

“I guess, we have to figure it out.” Rafael smiled at her warmly.

“We?”, she asked surprised.

“I told you before, Cath, whoever is trying to hurt you, even if it is yourself, has to fight me first.” He stroked her bangs out of her face and kissed her forehead. “You can rely on me. I’m going to protect you.”

“Rafa…” Her face melted into tears. She wanted to believe it, so badly, to be honest, but there was still the little piece of doubt inside her. She looked up at him and she could not see any hint of a lie. Actually, she never had. Rafael had always been honest with her. Not once, he had abused the pieces of trust, she had given him.

“You’re not alone anymore, Cath.” He pulled her close, while she broke down once again, reflecting the fading memories of their first night together like an illusion. Did it mean, they reached the starting point again? Had the cycle fulfilled itself again? At that night four years ago, she had decided to trust him a little. Did this mimicry of the past mean, she had decided to trust him completely? Could they, could _she_ , break free? Rafael kissed into her hair and then turned his head, watching the ghost of the day from long ago. They looked the same and yet had become different persons. He could see it in the way, she was hugging him instead of clenching onto him. Her former self had only rested her head against him, still trying to keep distance between them, but this time, there was no space between them. She was searching protection in his arms. Catherine also did not try to suppress her tears anymore. This time, she truly let everything out. Rafael looked at the memory of the past and wondered, if he could go back to the day, when he reached out. Would he change something, when given the chance? Would he go back in time? He looked down at the sobbing girl in his arms and although it was not easy with her most of the time, he felt a warm fondness running through the very core of him. A soft smile spread over his face. No, he would not. She had found him at a crossroad of his life. She might not be able to see it, but she had saved him as well. He had not known it himself back then, so how could she possibly see it then? Catherine was his story of success, though more on a personal than a professional level.

Slowly, Catherine’s sobs died out and the tension of her body faded away. She sighed heavily against his skin and he could feel a small smile slightly brightening up her face.

“I can trust in that, can I?”, she asked and looked back up at him. The light behind her eyes shone again, when she wiped the tears away. This was the side of her, he liked so much and wanted to preserve.

“I promise.” Rafael held out his little finger. Catherine looked at him and raised an eyebrow.

“Pinky swear, seriously?”, she asked sceptically.

“Why not?” Rafael shrugged again. “I have to convince the scared child in you after all.”

Catherine looked at him in surprise, but then smiled. That was Rafael. Not a single word or gesture was without a purpose. He put thoughts into everything and was even willing to do something that ridiculous like a pinky swear. She chuckled and shook her head, but then crossed her little finger with his. After that, she leaned forward and rested her forehead against his. Rafael smiled and closed his eyes. Catherine felt close to him and for the first time, there was a slight flicker of hope, he did as well. She reached out as if she tried to touch the bond between them. Instead, Rafael grabbed her hand and lowered it gently.

“I’m sorry, Rafa.”, she whispered softly and rubbed his hand. “I truly intended to talk this through calmly and maturely.”

“You don’t have to apologise.” Rafael shook his head and stroked fatherly over her head. “You were afraid and fear is never rational.”

Catherine closed her eyes and enjoyed the soothing effect. The scared child, which was still held captive by her darkness, calmed down a little and she almost cried again, but this time from happiness. His friendship was so warm against the coldness of her panic. Rafael had helped her so much and for the first time, she started to believe, she could heal, but she had to accept, it would take a long time. She also had to understand, that there was at least one person, which was willing accompany her on this way. Rafael would be next to her, because she gave him something, she was not able to understand.

“It might take a while, but I will try to accept that you like me. I still don’t understand, why, but you’re right. It is your decision to be made, not mine. I can’t and don’t want to take it away from you. I would be a bad friend otherwise.” Maybe it was a selfish act to take that much from him, but Rafael obviously knew about the consequences and made his decision consciously. He was right. If she still doubted it and denied his decision, it was incapacitating.

“Would it help you, if I say, you’re not the only reason, I’m staying?”

“If it is honest.”, she replied and did not dissolve. His closeness felt too good anyway and she needed it desperately.

“I’m always honest with you.” Rafael opened his eyes and they were clear from honesty. “I know, which damage it would cause, if I’m not.”

Catherine nodded and felt, how the seed of acceptance started to grow. She was not strong enough to make it on her own, but that was not a bad thing. Sometimes, it was fine to rely on others and to ask for help.

“I’m not going back to New York, because I would likely fall back into old patterns.” Rafael took in a deep breath, his fingers starting to drum an unknown rhythm on her head, while his thoughts ran through his head. “I’ve always been a workaholic. I started to study and the next time I looked at the clock, I was over forty and had only lived for the work. It was truly a rough time, which I don’t regret, but I needed to slow down. I wouldn’t be able to keep up the pace or it would have ruined me.”

“You don’t know that, Rafa.”, she said and took both his hands in hers. There was still pain in his voice, which sounded strangled. “You would have another job. You could make it better this time.”

“No.” Rafael sighed sadly. “I already started to again. I’m working more hours than I signed for. Actually, it is you, who is preventing me to fall back into it.”

“Me?”, Catherine asked surprised. Rafael nodded.

“You know instinctively, when I’m about to bury myself into work, asking me if another all-nighter is necessary or if it could wait another day.”, he explained. “You make me pause and think about it. Many times, I come to the conclusion, it can wait and drive home. When it was necessary, you often stopped by to make sure, I’ll take a break. You might not see it, Cath, but you’re taking care of me. You protect me from myself.”

“I protect you…”, she repeated disbelievingly, her heart beating in her throat, making her voice thick. Rafael nodded again and gently kissed her forehead. Catherine closed her eyes and this time the gesture did not hurt her. She was finally able to fully accept it and a happy smile spread over her face. She had a place. She had a purpose. When he dissolved, Catherine leaned forward to [reciprocate](https://www.dict.cc/englisch-deutsch/reciprocate.html) the gesture. Rafael closed his eyes under the soft brush of her lips. She held him dear. He had a place in her heart. There was no way to deny it anymore.

Then, Catherine stood up and went to the Christmas tree. Rafael leaned forward, when he felt, how her weight disappeared and his eyes followed her silently. She knelt down and picked up two small packages from under it. One was wrapped in silver, the other in golden paper.

“What are those?”, Rafael asked curiously. Catherine knelt down in front of him and held them out.

“Your presents.”, she declared with a smile. “The golden one is for Christmas and the silver for your Birthday, which I missed.”

She simply had to google him to find out, when his Birthday was. Rafael had his own Wikipedia entry.  It turned out to be on the 24’th October. The time, when they had drifted apart through the tides of life. How lonely must he had felt? He had thought about her Birthday, but she had not wasted a thought about his until hers had been hanging above her head like the sword of Damocles.

“You don’t have to give me something.”, Rafael said in surprise and looked down at her.

“I know, but I want to. Please, take them.” She lifted them higher, presenting them almost like a sacrifice. Rafael did not like it. It was as if she was still trying to prove her worth, but at least, her hands did not shiver anymore. This time, she was not insecure, she did not try to gain his favour with it. She simply wanted to give him something. It was not driven out of fear to be left. Her intention was to show, how much he meant to her.

“Which one first?”

“Your Birthday.” Catherine lowered the golden package and Rafael took the silvery from her. Carefully, he unwrapped the silver ribbon hugging it. It was a rather small box and he was curious, what was in there. What had she chosen for him? He actually liked presents, because they always contained something of the giver. His thoughts, emotions and his view on him. What did Catherine see in him? Rafael opened the box and was speechless. He had not thought about, what would await him inside, but he would have never guessed that. Within the box rested a little piece of parchment, which carried two words in a neat handwriting: _my trust_. “Happy, belated Birthday, Rafa.”

Catherine leaned in and kissed his cheek gently. It really did not happen often, that he was speechless, but this time he was, because he knew, what it meant for her, how much she was actually giving him with this little piece of parchment. Nothing kept him in the couch anymore. He could not stay on a lever higher than her. Rafael slid down on the floor in front of her and hugged her close. He was touched, because it was one of the, maybe even the most, precious thing, she would ever give to anyone.

“I will take good care of it.”, Rafael whispered and pressed a hard kiss against her temple, while a single tear ran down his cheek. “I promise.”

“I know.”, she smiled, while she dissolved and wiped the tear from his cheek. “That’s, why I’m giving it to you.”

He held her for a much longer time, giving her his warmth as a thank you, showing his gratefulness he was not able to express in words. He would never let her go. She was too pure and protect-worthy to do otherwise. A soul trying to be broken and destroyed, but which stayed intact. A seed being touched by evil, but which had been able to withstand it. A light of hope for humanity not being lost. That kindness still existed. She was precious.

Catherine chuckled nervously after a while, showing, she was not able to handle it. Her subconscious had understood, what had been running through Rafael’s mind. He smiled and dissolved. Before he could even say another word, Catherine hold out the other present to distract from the situation. Rafael did her the favour and opened it.

His Christmas present contained another symbolic gesture, but he needed a bit longer to understand it’s meaning. On the second parchment stood _loyalty_. He frowned, while he picked it up and turned it around, hoping to find an explanation. Catherine smiled, while she watched him.

“I expected it would not be self-explaining, but I had no idea, which word to use instead.” Her fingers gently stroked over the rough texture. “It means, you can be yourself with me. You can take off your mask, if you want to. I won’t take advantage of it.”

“Cath…” These presents meant a lot to him and it showed, Catherine had figured out much more about him, than he had expected. She wanted to help him to carry his burden as well. He should open up to her and did not need to spare her because of her past. She allowed him to be vulnerable.

“I thought, you could need this.”, she whispered and cupped his cheek. Rafael nodded and tried to swallow the slump in his throat.

“You are way too kind, Cath.” Rafael rested his forehead in her hair and took a deep breath. She smelled like a flower field entwined with vanilla.

“If you say this, then you have no idea, what you’re doing for me. It’s just a little bit I could give back for everything. You’re my only friend. I’d never be able to do anything to harm you.” Her voice became quieter, when she continued: “I want you to be happy. You should never regret to have chosen me.”

“I can’t imagine, I ever will.”, Rafael whispered. Not with these fatherly feelings rising in his chest. Not with the strong wish to protect her. It seemed like he had found, what he was looking for or that he had been missing without even knowing it. Catherine had given him something out of his work, something preventing it to become his first priority again. Without him noticing it, she had become his surrogate daughter, tough this word was not enough. He had looked for the right word to express, what connected them, but had not been able to find it in the restriction of a dictionary or encyclopaedia. He felt responsible for her like a father, but she was also a friend to him. Everyone around them would say, they were in love and they might even be, but not in the way society meant it. It appeared too easy, too shallow to be enough to contain every aspect of their bonding. It was stronger and more innocent on both sides. All he wanted was her to be able to see her worth, which evilness had tried to take away from her. Rafael knew, she belonged to him and he to her. At least for now, they were, what the other needed the most, what the both of them had been looking for. He chuckled quietly, lowly, the sound only feelable through the rumble of his chest. It was a strange match, Michael had not been wrong about it, but when had any of them ever been normal? They had to find their own answers, although knowing maybe none existed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew...that was a chapter, which took a lot from me. It was draining and exhausting, but I think, we took a major step forward. To be honest, I'm quite proud of this chapter and like it. What do you think of it? 
> 
> From now on, the relation between them eases significantly. Sadly, the next incident is just around the river bend. They just don't get a break and Olivia appear again, soon.
> 
> Between, I have an announcement. I'm currently working on a romance alternative. It's a test, an experiment, and I have no idea, how it is going to work out. Despite, I like the ending I have for this version in my mind and don't want to scrap it. If I continue with the romance version, it's gonna be several chapter story and an explicit one. I'm gonna upload it as an alternative, which will take place during the next incident, after this is done. I'll let you know, when this version is done :) 
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading like always :) Next chapter is going up next Saturday as always :)


	16. Fragile peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every good thing eventually comes to an end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter comes up to day, because I'm busy over the weekend.

_Freedom_. _Finally_. Catherine hurled her bag into a random corner of her room and threw herself prone onto the lounge. The year was just three months old, but she was utterly exhausted. Two hellish weeks with three exams, lab reports and one presentation laid behind her. Today, she had the last exam in genetics and now, she was free from University for a month. She still had to work, tough. She knew studying was rough and it was not the first exam phase, which tore on her substance, but this had taken its toll. Catherine grunted into her pillow and closed her eyes. She envied Sleeping Beauty for her hundred years of sleep. In this moment, Catherine did not care, if she had been cursed. She would prick her finger on a spindle for it. One hundred years of sleep sounded like heaven. Where could she sign up? Maybe, she was too old for studying. When everything worked out, she would finish her Master at the age of 34. Almost ten years later than usually. She needed to put a lot of effort and ambition into her study to regain a bit of her stolen time. There was no time for a break- well, most of the time. Luckily, she was still a voluntary tourist guide for one person. Without that engagement, she would likely never stop taking life seriously. She had never been young, not even before and without that, she likely would have never been. Adulthood really sucked. Catherine chuckled tiredly and hugged her pillow.

She was still happy, tough. Although the past months had been physically exhausting, she had been mentally more stable than in years. It had felt revealing to give Rafael her trust. After she had consciously made her decision, the voices inside of her head had become quieter. There were almost no _ifs_ left anymore. Their relation had become more relaxed, natural and comfortable. Catherine would have never guessed it, but they harmonised quite well even with her crimes fading. She yawned and closed her eyes.

In this exact moment the screen of her smart phone started glowing and it buzzed to the rhythm of her ringtone. Catherine groaned disapprovingly. She really did not feel like picking up or moving at all. It could only be three persons calling: Work, Rafael or Nathan. Work could wait until Monday, Rafael was coming over in two hours anyway and Nathan could kiss her arse. She had almost no private life and she still was not able to catch a break? She had just come home. The caller was very persistent and simply did not show any intention on hanging up. Catherine groaned and fished the smartphone blindly.

“This is the answering machine of Catherine Amell. I’m currently in a mindless coma, please leave your message after the beep. Beeeeep.”

“Are you serious?”, Rafael asked in feigned annoyance.

“Rafa, whassup?”, she murmured tiredly.

“Whassup?”, he repeated and laughed amusedly. “You must be very exhausted.”

Somehow, whenever Catherine was tired, she was speaking slang fluently. She had no idea why. Catherine had learned to speak like this during her flight, because she had to deal with some ominous persons to survive. It was not the first time Rafael heard her talking like that. Actually, she had been speaking like this the entire last month.

“Hmmhmm…”, Catherine hummed and her eyes drifted close again. “You studied law in Harvard. You know, how it’s like.”

“Yeah, I remember.”, Rafael said sympathetically. “How was the exam?”

“No bloody clue. I don’t even remember, if I wrote my name correctly.” Catherine rolled onto her back and rested her head on her arm, staring at the clinical, white ceiling above her. “It feels like my brain is melting.”

“That only means, you’ve put all your energy into it. I’m sure, you did well.”

“Am not minding talking to you, Rafa, but whaddya want? You’ll be here in two hours and I just wanna snooze.”

“Yeah, about that…” Rafael stopped for a moment as if he was changing his words right in the middle of the sentence. “If you’re too tired, we can cancel that.”

“I’m gonna watch a movie anyway. Makes no difference, if you’re here or not.”

“How flattering.”

“Rafa, too tired for games.” She yawned heartedly and cupped her mouth.

“So it seems.” She heard the little smile on the other side of the line. “I actually wanted to tell you, I’ll be around two hours late.”

Catherine frowned, suppressing a yawn and her brain was slowly awakening again. It was not uncommon for Rafael to rearrange their meetings due some unpredictable events or some mean deadlines in court, but the tone of his voice appeared off to her. It was not his neutral, informing tone. It sounded rather annoyed as if it did not suit his plans.

“How’s your fusion going?”, Catherine asked cautiously. Rafael was currently working on the fusion of two music labels, but some of employees were causing trouble and she suspected that was the crux of the matter. An immediate groan of frustration was the answer. “That bad?”

“Yeah.” Rafael sighed tiredly and Catherine almost was not able to hear it, because a bus was passing him by closely. “They didn’t accept the deal.”

“Oh geez. I’m sorry.” She suppressed another yawn and shook her head to convince the gears of her mind to work. Rafael should not get the impression she was not interested. “What’re going to do?”

“I’ve no idea.”, Rafael admitted through clenched teeth. “That’s why I’ll be two hours late. I’m going to need the time to think of a new strategy. I’d rather not wait until Monday.”

“Yeah, sure. I understand.”, Catherine assured with a soft smile. “I wish, I would have an idea for you.”

Every now and again, Catherine had provided a set of fresh eyes on a case and had used her empathy to find a hidden motivation of a client or an opponent, when Rafael had been wondering, why they had behaved strangely. One of the biggest changes for him was, that his opponents were not educated in law. They were normal people, which behaved quite differently than a lawyer would. Therefore, Catherine was able to give him some ideas. It was a fun mind game for her every once in a while. Right now, though, she had no idea, why they had turned down the offered compensation. It had been extremely generous.

“Nonsense, Cath. It’s my job and you’re tired. Don’t waste a thought on it.”, Rafael hushed her. “You had helped me enough, when you pointed out, they felt underappreciated.”

Catherine nodded and this time, she reacted too late to prevent a yawn escaping her. She was sure, Rafael did not miss it and therefore would not allow her to think more about it. He was still paying close attention to her well-being, making sure, she did not work herself into the ground. Catherine fell back down onto the lounge and said with muffled voice:

“Okay. I’ll go back to sleep then.”

“I’ll be there around 5 or 6 pm, depending on how fast I’ll think of something.”

“Keen mind.”, she wished him, because he hated ‘good luck’. He chuckled, but suddenly the honk of a car was shrieking through the line and Rafael cursed. Catherine’s eyes immediately flew open and she jumped up. “Rafa, you’re alright?”

Catherine clenched her hand into the fabric over her fast beating heart, blood rushing through every corner of her body. She held her breath, while she waited for Rafael to answer.

“Yes.” He was breathing heavily and his voice sounded far away due to the shock. “An idiot ignored his red traffic light.”

Catherine breathed out in relief and slammed back into the couch, closing her eyes and thanked a God unknown to her. This was the first time it happened. Several times she had noticed, how Rafael had been texting or checking his emails, while walking over a street.

“Even at the risk of sounding like an overprotective mother.”, Catherine stated cautiously, but she needed to get this off her chest. “You shouldn’t use your phone that much in traffic. It’s dangerous.”

“Don’t worry.”, Rafael dismissed and for the first time did not listen to the concern in her voice. “I'm not doing it for the first time and so far, everything went well.”

“You’re a well-educated man, Rafael. You understand probability calculation and how the probability of impossible events increases, when the number of events approaches infinity. I don’t really want to visit you in hospital next time.”

Catherine heard, how Rafael was opening his mouth to laugh at the statement, but this time, he paused. Just now, he seemed to recognize the concern in her voice. The past months had gone so well, he was not used of the scarred girl inside of her anymore. Catherine had been in hospital almost every day for almost 6 years of her life, losing beloved person after beloved person in those barren, clinical rooms. Hospital had become the objectification of tragedy for her. Rafael sighed heavily on the other side, but when he spoke again, his voice was soft, the annoyance and anger gone:

“Okay, I’m going to hang up, now. See you later, Cath.”

“Thank you, Rafa.”, she whispered with a twitching smile. “See you. I hope, you find a solution.”

“Thanks”

Then, the line was dead. Catherine starred at the blinking photo of him for a moment, before she laid her phone back on her coffee table. She sprawled herself over the lounge closed her eyes, trying to calm herself down. It had not just been a shock for him.

~*~

Five hours later, Catherine’s heart leapt in relief, when her doorbell rang. She jumped up immediately and almost slipped over the cool tiles in her kitchen, when she rushed to the door. She opened it too fast and too strong to cover up her concerns. Rafael stood in the narrow hallway, carrying two paper bags from their favourite restaurant and a bottle of red wine. He looked neat at first glance, but Catherine knew him well enough to see, he was actually dishevelled. Some strands of hair had sprung out of their carefully chosen and adjusted position, his tie was not perfectly straight and his beautiful, red velvet vest was wrinkled. It seemed like Rafael had either been more shocked by the incident than he let on or work had been hell- or both. It was very likely he had almost lost time over the piles of work and had rushed over. Rafael smiled crookedly and for a moment, their bodies acted on their own, while their thoughts stopped. Automatically, like a robot, Catherine took the paper bags and wine bottle from his hands and put them down carelessly. Then she looked back up at him and hugged him tightly. It was clear to both of them, what she was expressing with it. The shock had not subsided from the deepest layers of her conscious.

“I’m fine.”, Rafael assured with a soft voice, before stroking gently over her head. Catherine nodded against his shoulder and took a deep breath. For a little moment longer, she allowed herself to nestle between his collarbones, to feel his calm, strong heartbeat under his chest and his warm breath on her head. It had not been much, not even dangerous, just a nuisance, but it had been enough to be a wake-up call. Catherine had learned early enough, death could come unexpectedly at every age, on every instance and every condition. It was a sly predator, hard and unfair, lurking around every corner. She had been painfully aware for twelve years of her life. Every day during that time, she had been fighting against this cruel, unpredictable enemy. In the past four years, she had gladfully forgotten about it. She did not want her days to be overshadowed by the fear, that death could come any day. Today, though, today brought it back to her and it tore at her heart.

Rafael dissolved from her. He did not intent to stay in the hallway any longer. He gently pushed Catherine back into her flat and closed the door. He carefully hung up his jacket, which he had been holding over his arm, onto her wardrobe and took of his shoes. He was wearing red and golden socks. Catherine picked up the take-away food and the wine and went into the kitchen. Rafael followed her on the heel.

“What’s this scent?”, he asked as he walked in and breathed it in deeply. It was heavy, full, warm and chocolaty.

“I baked brownies.”, Catherine said and carefully pulled out the griddle.

“You were supposed to rest.” Catherine was not completely sure, if he was scolding her or if he was concerned or both.

“I couldn’t.” She breathed out heavily and took out a knife to cut the chocolaty sin into pieces. “I wasn’t able to calm down and I needed to busy myself. I picked a selection of movies for us to choose from. Apparently, I’ve no idea, what kind of movies you like. But I felt, I needed to do something with my hands, so I decided to bake. We both had a stressful day. I thought, we both could need some chocolate.”

Carefully, she took out the pieces and dished them on a plate. Rafael loosely wrapped an around her and bend over to look at the brownies, which were perfectly moist. Catherine, on the other hand, only noticed, how normal it had become for her. She did not flinch or felt uncomfortable to have him that close, she was able to feel his body temperature. None of them was wondering, if it was appropriated or not. It felt natural to them. They only acted upon it. They were comfortable around each other. It was as if they fit. They had had to overcome many obstacles, but the harder the way up here had been, the easier it was now. All the doubts she had in the past, were gone in the light of the day. After they had passed the point of no return, everything was left behind in the shadows of the past. Catherine loved this level of trust, for which they had fought hard, which had appeared impossible at times and had been denied by her fears and traumas.

“We do indeed. They look delicious.”, Rafael judged and let go off her.

“It seemed like we had the same intention in mind.”, she said, while she packed out two burgers and fries, he brought along. Rafael nodded and moved expertly in her small kitchen. He got the screw out and opened the bottle of wine with a pang.

“Wine, burgers, fries and brownies. There’s no better way to celebrate freedom, although it’s only temporary.” Rafael chuckled from deep down of his chest.

“True.” Catherine smiled warmly. “We should indulge in gluttony.”

“Oh, I couldn’t agree more.”, Rafael said with a content smirk on his lips. His voice dropped at least one octave, when he whispered: “So, shall we begin?”

Catherine paused with putting the food on several plates and to arrange them on the tray. She was not quite sure, if Rafael knew, he had just quoted Khan from _Star Trek Into Darkness_. Would that be a kind of movie, he had watch? She did not believe it, to be honest, but on the other hand, he had surprising characteristics like everybody else. Humans never truly lived up to the stereotypes and Catherine loved that. Rafael frowned, but then took some of the dishes from her, because there was no possible arrangement it would _all_ fit on one tray. He carried two plates over into the living room, while Catherine followed with her dishes and the bottle of wine. Another round and they also got the brownies and two wine glasses, which Rafael filled immediately. Both of them knew, it was not necessary to let it breath. Decanting wine had the only purpose to avoid solid sediments to get into it and that was only necessary for older wines. It’s cause was not to give it oxygen like most people thought. Idiots, both of them had thought, when they delightfully noticed the other knew it as well. Well, Catherine knew, because she was a biologist and therefore had a profound knowledge of chemistry. It was not like she had a lot of chances to drink wine in her life. She had rather spend her money on others, obligatory things.

“So, what fine selection do you have to offer?”, Rafael asked, while casually eating fries. Catherine was surprised, and yet not, how he could look arrogant, superior, confident and elegant, while eating something as blatant as French fries. It was utterly unfair. How was that even possible? Did he look cool with everything he did? Rafael frowned, when she did not answer and tilted his head. Normally, she would have been overflowing by passion by now, using at least the double amount of the daily wordcount to explain excessively, why a movie was awesome. “Cath?”

Catherine blinked quickly several times. She had not even realised she had been lost in thoughts.

“Sorry, what?”

“You’re a little off track.” Rafael leaned back against the armrest of the small couch and watched her closely. His brown-green eyes pierced through her and made her heart stutter. Although she trusted him completely by now, she still felt naked under this gaze and she always had to fight the urge to cover herself with her arms. “You truly must be exhausted.”

The expression in his eyes turned from prosecutor, inquiring mode to soft and compassionate. Instead of commenting on it, he only pushed her plate closer to her in a silent request to eat. Catherine obeyed and took a huge bite of her bacon cheeseburger. The combination of fat and salt felt heavenly on her tongue and she moaned in delight. Rafael chuckled next to her and started to eat as well.

Catherine would have never guessed, that she would ever be fine with silence. Silence had been her cage. Now, luckily, that was not the case anymore. Silence was nothing bad per se. It did not mean he was bored or annoyed. She knew, she had not to please Rafael. She did not have to offer herself to him.

“So, let’s try again: Which movie did you select?” Rafael looked way too amused for her liking. He truly was enjoying it. Catherine glared at him, but let it slip _this time_ , because she way too existed for a movie night with him. She had been sad, their life had denied up to now. Instead she stood up and put her now empty plate away. She walked over to her small dining table, where she had put some DVD’s. She had not many, because there was not much space for them. Her favourites, tough, had got a little corner in her shelf. Catherine gathered the staple of maybe ten DVDs and brought them over.

“That are quite a lot.”

“Like I said.”, she said, while sitting back down next to him. “I’ve no idea, what kind of movie you would enjoy, so I picked those, which represent the greatest variety of those I own.”

“I thought, we wanted to watch an MCU movie.” Rafael furrowed his brows and looked at her.

“Yeah, but I would rather procrastinate that. The MCU contains twenty-five movies up to now, which have very different tones or genres. Action, Sci-Fi, drama, comedy. If I pick the wrong one, it’s likely you’re not going to like all of it, because the first settles the mood. I almost did not get into it, because Ironman wasn’t really my cup of tea, but it was the first movie to come out.”, she started to explain. “Therefore, I’d rather get an impression of your taste first.”

“Okay, fine.” Rafael shrugged. Catherine knew, he was not very eager to see any of those movies. He only would, because she liked them so much and he wanted to understand her better. Catherine was aware, it was kind of a present from him. That was, why she truly must choose the first movie carefully, because she believed, it might be a franchise he could enjoy, if it was presented to him correctly. “How do you want to figure it out?”

“By interrogating you.” She grinned devilishly, while she put a brownie onto her plate. Rafael laughed loudly and shook his head.

“Oh, that was your primary goal from the get go, wasn’t it?”

“I can’t deny, I like the irony of it. Time to turn the tables.”

“Fine.” Rafael leaned back relaxed with the glass of wine in his hand. His eyes gleamed mischievously at her, challenging her. “Show me, what you got.”

Both knew of course, they were overdramatising it. Actually, it was rather an interview about his preferences so Catherine could set up mental filter to narrow her collection down, but they both felt like being dramatic today, to be playful, to tease, to exaggerate, to joke, to laugh, to feast, to drink too much, to talk too fast, to celebrate, to be young, to be free, to _live_. It was something they both needed in the deepest corners of their conscious without knowing it themselves. Those quiet moments in their overly dramatic lives, which had been forced on them, filled up their energy reservoirs.

The next thirty minutes Catherine went through a checklist of questions to narrow down his taste. She asked him about his favourite movie, a ranking of genres, everything that came to her mind. With every new filter, the number of movies in her mental library decreased significantly. No action movies, because they are too stupid from the plot, no crime movies, because they are too inaccurate. Plot was important, but not too complex. Sci-Fi and Fantasy were fine as long as they were not too far-fetched. So, Valerian was out. Catherine snickered. She was glad about that. She really did not like Valerian, but it had been one of the best fitting movies up to this point. Romcoms were out, too. It would have been a surprise if not. Horror movies were out, because Catherine hated them, so she did not ask. Dramas were fine. Rather modern than war ones. And so, it went on and on. Soon, Catherine also included series, because there were hardly any movies left and series had more possibilities in telling stories. They did not need to rush and had more time to develop. She had suspected Rafael to be a man of fine taste, but that truly was a difficult puzzle.

Rafael sat relaxed on the couch and answered every question calmly and thoughtfully. Although it likely looked ridiculous to him, he took it seriously. He appreciated all the effort Catherine was putting into this, likely too much, but that was just her nature. Rafael really did not care, which one she would choose. He had never been much into it anyway, but it meant much to her and he would do her the favour. Who knew? She could surprise him like she did so many times before.

“’kay…”, she murmured after question 32. He had counted. Catherine rubbed her chin thoughtfully. To combine their both worlds turned out even more complicated than she had expected. Rafael was more for the classic, while Catherine lived in the currently Pop culture of what he knew nothing of. Her glass of wine was empty by now, her eyes were a little dazed, but the fire in her eyes was still bright. She always had loved a challenge and that truly was one. To be honest, with all filters set, there was nothing left in her mental library. “That’s a tricky riddle.”

“You’re only making one out of it.” He smiled softly at her and swirled the stem of the glass between his fingers. “It’s fun and I know, it is within your nature, but you don’t have to find the perfect movie for both of us. It’s even likely you won’t, because you can’t assess my taste yet. I don’t even know mine. Let’s just have a nice evening together.”

Catherine stopped, but her eyes were not overflooded from guilt like normally. Instead, she breathed out heavily and smiled weakly.

“I’m exaggerating again, aren’t I? And we already lost quite some time.” Catherine shook her head about herself.

“It’s okay.” Rafael gently ruffled through her hair. Catherine smiled and closed her eyes. She always enjoyed it, when he did that and Rafael knew, of course. It was a gesture, which reached down deeply towards the child in her, who slowly started to hope again, who had stopped crying in the corner and looked back up to the offered hand. “Pick something you want to watch. I want to see something I don’t expect to be my taste. But thank you for putting so much thought into it. What would you watch, if I weren’t here?”

She wanted to watch either Suits or Glee. Those were her feel-good series. Series she watched, when she wanted to relax. Catherine loved Suits for its humour and the presentation of the relation between the protagonists, but it was actually a show about Rafael’s job. He would likely only see the wrong representation of it and therefore was not able to enjoy the other aspects of it. And Glee? There was a lot speaking against Glee. It was teenage dramedy about a high school glee club. Everything a teenage drama could offer was in it and although Rafael liked musicals, he would likely not like that. Catherine liked it for the production and different interpretation of modern songs. She liked, how it tackled every potential issue of being a teenager in a sensitive way: bullying, teenage pregnancy, homosexuality, use of alcohol, suicide attempts. It was a show about tolerance. Despite that, Glee had Blaine Anderson, her personal feel-good character. Whenever he appeared on the screen, she felt better. Well, before they ruined him in season 4.

Then there was Dr. Who, the personification of being a geek, but it was too much sci-fi, too weird, too much wibbley-wobbly-timy-winey stuff for Rafael to endure. Supernatural was too religious in the later seasons and well, too supernatural. Game of Thrones could be something for him, but it needed time to take off, and to be honest, Catherine did not feel comfortable to watch a show with him, which contained that much gore and sex. Danerys Tagaryen was raped in the very first episode after all. Her guts told her it should be the modern adaption of Sherlock Holmes from BBC. It was very well-written, wonderfully produced and it was clever. So clever and the dialogues were fresh and funny and the chemistry between the actors was awesome. But it was still a crime show and Catherine was pretty sure, Rafael could not relax with it.

House of Cards could be something. It was something different with its fourth-wall breaks, but Catherine was not sure, if Rafael could deal with Kevin Spacey’s Frank Underwood. He had some characteristic of Rafael and the scandal of Kevin Spacey might be a problem. Rafael never got out of his prosecutor self.

Westworld… Catherine slowly started to smile and tipped with the finger into the air. Westworld could be a hit. The premise of a western themed amusement park with android hosts, allowing the visitors to live through their fantasies was not too farfetched. It had clever morals due to the blurring lines between humans and the hosts.

“I think, I have something.”, she said, while turning back towards him with a big smile. “How do you feel about Western?”

“Western?”, Rafael repeated disparagingly. He really did not feel up for a movie in which the colonial time was adulated. Actually, he had not suspected her to like it. Catherine nodded to his surprise and grinned even more.

“Yeah, but not like those old western movies, you likely think about. I’m aware that’s not your taste. It's a sci-fi show about a western themed amusement park in which people could play cowboys for however long they’re staying. It’s set most of the time in old west, but actually tackles modern problems. I know, it sounds weird, but that’s just because I suck at summaries. I actually believe, you could enjoy it, if you have an open mind. If you’re able to shut off the prosecutor in you.”

Catherine leaned forward and acted as if she was turning off a switch on his temple.

“Beep. Prosecutor mode off.” Rafael shook his head in reflex, blinking several times, but then laughed along with her. He enjoyed the playful side they had discovered in their relation and it was a part of it, which made it feel this natural.

To be honest, though, her description made him rather sceptical, but he had promised her to have an open mind, so he nodded. While Catherine opened the streaming client, he leaned forward and poured her another glass. Catherine took it from him and they clinked their glasses again.

“To the end of your exams.”, he said. “I’m sure you passed.”

“I hope so. I don’t want to do them again.” Catherine chuckled and glanced over to Rafael, who had made himself comfortable. The tie around his neck had come off a long time ago, his sleeves were rolled up and the first button of his shirt was opened. His arm rested over the back of the couch, rubbing the fingernails of his thumb and forefinger against each other. His bright eyes looked at her TV. Catherine hummed along to the opening melody, while Rafael saw, how those _hosts_ were created. Afterwards, there was a voice coming from the off, which was questioning a woman with angelic, blonde hair named Dolores in a simple blue dress. If he did not know the premise of the show, he would think of her as an ordinary human, but when she walked out of her little block house, it was clear, she was a host. What followed was a philosophical monologue about the world, no, the amusement park. Everything was like a jump back in time. Everything appeared authentic. There was no way to differentiate between hosts and real persons. The first few words indicated, it was show in which every word was carefully chosen and the pictures of the landscape looked astonishing. It was not one of those movies in which the entire plot revolved around too much drinking and to put in as many gunfights as possible.

Catherine smirked, when Rafael’s sceptical body position eased up. His fingers stopped moving and he frowned, when the first man was shot ten minutes after starting into the episode and necrophilia was suggested and Dolores about to be raped by a guest. Rafael knew, times had been like that, that it was not unauthentic. How glad he was, he lived in a different time.

“Prosecutor off, Rafael. You promised me.”, Catherine scolded and looked at him out of the corners of her eyes with a grin.

“Easier said than done.”, he replied, his fingers starting to twitch again. Then he took a deep breath and tried to shut down his high moral standards. When Catherine was able to see it with a free mind, although she had one of the highest senses of ethics he had met, then he should as well. He sighed and shook his head. “Oh, for God’s sake, of course all humanity wants to do is screwing around and shooting others. How poetic.”

His lips pursed into a snarl, but he removed his leg from the other. He was relaxing.

“Well, most are visiting this world to do, what is forbidden in the real life and that contains committing crimes and screwing around.” Catherine smiled contently, her foot tipping to the melody of a pianola. “What’d you do, if you got to spend time in such a park, if it’s not screwing around or getting into gun fights? Would you be the Sheriff?”

“Oh God, no.” Rafael harrumphed, wrinkling his nose. “Then, I could stay in my time and do my job.”

“At least, it would be easier.” Catherine shrugged, while her eyes are caught on the screen. “You wouldn’t have to bother around with a jury and other lawyers. You can judge them by yourself.”

“True, but we know, how that tends to turn out.”, Rafael said with a thoughtful voice. Catherine had to agree with him on that.

“So, what would you do? Which role would you like to play?”

“Hmm…” Rafael tilted his head and frowned. Catherine watched him. She was curious, what he was going to pick. “Well, why not go all out for it? World domination would be nice.”

Catherine choked and almost spit out the sip of wine, she had just drunk. She blinked several times in surprise. Rafael would go for what? He? Of all people?

“Wait, what?” Rafael smirked at her surprise and sipped on his wine with relish. It was this special gleam in his dark eyes, which made her pause from her confusion.

“Oh…”, she growled playfully and threw a cushion at him. Rafael dodged casually- it was not the first time she did that-, but laughed in amusement. “You were messing with me.”

“Your gaze was priceless.” Rafael snickered. It was the first time Catherine heard him snickering and it was a very weird sound. It was a good sign, was it not? Then he leaned back relaxed.

“But now, seriously, what would you do?”

“I think, it would be the wrong time for me. I’d rather go to the classical world. Antique Egyptian, Rome or Greece would be lovely.”

“It wasn’t any better than the Old West. Just different.”

“But they had wine and better conversations.” Rafael laughed again.

“And that excuses all.” Her eyes sparkled in sarcasm. She shook her head and raised her once again filled glass. “To the tyranny of ancient times, but at least they had great wine and conversation. Cheers to that.”

Catherine raised her glass and clinked it with his.

“I think, I can guess, what you’d do.”, Rafael said, when he settled back into the couch.

“Oh.” Catherine raised an eyebrow and had a glint in her eyes. “What would that be?”

“Explore the entire country by horse.”, he said. Catherine smirked and rested herself back on the other side of the couch.

“I’ve to admit, it has its appeal. I would be one of the less cowgirls. That’d be fun.” Her smile was blissful, when she imagined it. It likely was a too romantical picture she was having, but it was a form freedom, she had longed for a very long time. “But I wouldn’t mind to go with you to the classical world.”

Rafael blinked for a moment as if he was surprised, she would like to do that, but why? It was clear, they got along and it was not surprising, Catherine was hoping they would be friends for a long time.

“Okay, whenever such an amusement park is opening, we’re going together.”, Rafael suggested, before he ate a piece of her brownies. He paused and looked at her with wide eyes. “Those are fantastic.”

“I’m glad.” Catherine seemed to be relieved and the little bit of tension left disappeared from her body. She pulled her legs up and hugged a cushion. Both continued to watch the episode, discussing several aspects about it, while enjoying the food. It was a pleasurable evening, simply perfect to celebrate the end of the stress. At times, Catherine was still surprised, how well the both of them worked, but nothing about their communication and behaviour would make anybody guess, what their history was or on what they had been for each other beforehand.

After an hour, the episode ended and Catherine eagerly awaited his verdict, before starting the next one. Her heart was beating fast in her throat, making her gulp. Catherine noticed how her fingers became wet from being nervous. Rafael dissolved his eyes slowly from the screen and turned towards her. If there was any hint of emotion on his face, she was not able to read it this time. It was the poker face, he had perfectionated over the years. Catherine just had no idea, if he was teasing her or if was thinking, how to break it gently, he did not like it. Well, he had shown no signs of disapproval over the rest of the episode, but that meant nothing with him.

“I have to admit, it’s quite interesting.”, he finally said, a small smile twitching around his lips.

“Oh, you teased me again. That’s mean.” Catherine glared at him and slapped his arm. Rafael chuckled and used the chance to wrap his arms around her. She squealed in surprise, when she landed against his side. Her blue eyes looked up at him in confusion.

“Are you still surprised, I noticed, how you were glancing over at me? I know you, Cath. I can almost hear your silent questions.” Catherine blinked, but then smiled and nestled against him. After the almost accident, she appeared to need closeness, an affirmation, that he was fine. That she needed to feel his breath and warmth, to hear his heart beating and the weight of his arm around her. It appeared, it had scared her more, than she had realised. She had not been aware, she needed this, but Rafael had. It was still surprising, how he was able to notice things, she had not. Soon, his hand was on top of her head and he gently stroked through her hair. Catherine was not sure, but it felt like he was trying to reassure himself as well. Maybe, it had shocked him as well, although it was a bagatelle. He had faced worse during his job as a prosecutor, but because it was a bagatelle, it had been shocking. It truly showed any minute could be the last. Maybe this was the reason, why they both silently decided not to bother of how it would appear on the outside. They were important for each other. The past time had shown that clearly. Even Catherine’s voices had difficulties to say anything against it.

“So, next episode?”, she asked, while she picked up the remote control. Rafael nodded and both dove into this new experience, they were sharing. With every episode, Rafael started to like it a bit more. It truly was an interesting premise, which was cleverly presented.

They came up to episode four, when Rafael noticed, Catherine was dozing off in his arms. Her head fell down every now and again. The exam period truly must have exhausted her. Except night five years ago, she had never fallen asleep in his presence. For her it felt like she was not giving enough attention. Rafael had put himself to some bother to make this evening available and she was falling asleep. Rafael was not sure, if Catherine was aware, which level of trust it showed. He looked down on her. She appeared so young and fragile in the state between being awake and asleep. All the weights of her destiny disappeared and her younger self came up to the surface. His eyes wandered to the clock. It was half past ten in the evening. Maybe, they should slowly come to an end.

“Hey, Cath…” He gently shook her.

“Hmmm?”, she murmured and forced her eyes open. “I’m awake.”

“Hardly.”, Rafael said softly and nudged her head. “I’m tired, too. We should stop for today.”

“Hmmm…”, Catherine said again and sat up straight. Her hair was tousled and she blinked several times until her eyes stayed open. She stretched and then turned off the tv. “How was it?”

“It’s interesting. I’m curious, how it turns out. How many episodes are left?”

“We’re halfway through.” Catherine yawned heartedly and started to collect the plates. “How about finishing it up on Sunday?”

“Sounds like a plan.” Rafael stood up to help her. For a moment, he looked out of the window. It was dark and rain had started to drum against the window.

Twenty minutes later, the dish was cleaned and Rafael had a food package with three Brownies. They stood in front of her door, Rafael all dressed up again.

“Thanks, Cath. That was fun.”

“Only, because you enjoyed teasing me.” She grinned up at him.

“It was part of it, but as far as I remember, you had your fair share.” Rafael smirked. He then hugged her close and kissed her forehead. “Good night, Cath.”

“Good night, Rafa.” Just in this moment, Rafael’s mobile rang and he quickly scrambled in the pocket of his heavy coat. Catherine took his package from him, while he picked it up. According to his face expression and his taciturn answers, it was a call from work with bad news. His forehead furrowed deeply and a concern expression covered his face. He nodded and then hang up.

“Got the case even worse?”

“Yeah…it seemed like they’re aware of their position, now. They’re becoming impertinent.” Rafael sighed deeply, slid the phone back into his pocket and then pinched his eyebrows. “I’ve to go back to the office. It seems like I’ll need this brownie right away.”

“Please, be careful and stay safe.” She kissed his cheek as innocently as a child. Rafael smiled warmly and nodded.

“I promise. I send you a text, when I’m there.”

“Thank you.”, she whispered relieved. Then, he left and disappeared into the night, already phoning someone to talk about a new strategy. Catherine had a strange, uneasy feeling coiling itself together like a ball in her guts, when she closed the door. For a moment, her hand lingered on the door knob, wondering, if she should bring him an umbrella or to wait with him for his car. Somehow, it felt like the worsening weather was the harbinger of something bad. Well, there was nothing she could do. Rafael was grown up and knew, how to take care of himself. When Catherine was about turn off the light and went to bed, the shrieking scream of breaks and the sound of a crash thundered through the apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who would have guessed, Rafael would be up for a movie night :D 
> 
> Ready for the next, big event? I think it's clear, what happened right?
> 
> See you next weekend. Bye :)


	17. The insecurity of being unloved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fate does not mean it well with Rafael and Catherine. Just when they had worked out their personal struggles, the next one just waits around the corner.

_Pain_. It was the first thing he recognised, while floating through a black nothingness. The agony was spreading from his right hip through the right side of his body. Rafael tried to move, but his body did not react. He tried to think, to remember, but his thoughts were viscously like his surroundings. They were too slow to give him any information. He was caught in this state between his wish to wake up and a strong heaviness, which tried to force him back into sleep. Rafael struggled, trying to get rid of the darkness, which wrapped itself around his body, trying to absorb him. They were too strong or he was too weak. One arm wrapped itself around his neck and strangled him. Rafael coughed and his panic increased, although his body was only working on primal instinct. The pain became stronger, but at least it seemed to chase away the numbness in bones. He needed to wake up. Where was he? What had happened? Rafael scratched together every piece of mental energy he could find to strengthen his thoughts and slowly, the grip of the darkness became looser, sliding down from his body. It felt like he was slowly rising to the surface.

At first, he was blinded by the bright light of the neon tube. Rafael groaned in protest, when it hurt his eyes. Slowly, they were adjusting to the cold, hard light, but Rafael’s sight was blurred. All he saw was a white area, which could be a ceiling. The first thing he perceived was the steady beeping of a heart monitor next to him. He was in a hospital. He tried to frown, but his body felt like it was weighing a ton. Why was he in a hospital? Rafael reached down to the area in the back of his head, where his memories were, but there was nothing. It felt like a deep, dark hole. Rafael blinked against the light, fighting against the heaviness of his eyelids.

Then, the pain was back. The burning crept through his right side up to his chest and it felt like his lunge was too heavy, as if its own weight would press the air out of it. Rafael hissed and squeezed his eyes shut, but at least the pain chased away the effects of the sedative. His mind slowly became clearer, tough it was accompanied with a severe headache. Finally, Rafael was able to turn his head. To his surprise, the sun was rising. How much time had passed? The last thing he remembered, was how he left Catherine’s flat at around 11 pm. His eyes continued to wander around and he was surprised, when he saw Catherine curled together in one of the visitor chairs. She was asleep, her legs pulled up and her head fallen to her chest. Her skin was pale, almost grey from exhaustion. Her hair was dishevelled, standing in every direction possible. She must have fought as long as possible against sleep, but in the end, she had lost. Her breath came evenly, slowly. Just then, Rafael noticed, she was still wearing the same shirt, she had worn on their movie night, but it was covered in dried blood all over her chest and stomach. Rafael widened his eyes and for a moment, he feared, she was injured, but then his logical sense returned. It was likelier it was his blood. He was lying in a hospital bed after all. Not she.

“Cath?”, he rasped like a raven. His voice was that hoarse, it did not sound like his at all and it hurt as if his throat was covered in sandpaper. Rafael coughed, his vocal cords protesting with every sound he made. Catherine did not move. She likely did not even hear it. Rafael was not sure himself, if he truly had made the sound, he had formed in his mind. He really did not feel like waking her up, when she obviously needed sleep, but he needed to know, what happened. He collected every strength and focussed it in his voice. “Cath?”

This time, he succeeded. Catherine’s eyes snapped open and she starred at him in wonder, needing several moments to realise, he was actually looking at her.

“Rafa!”, she exclaimed in surprise and jumped out of the chair, but her limbs were still asleep and she stumbled to the ground. “Ouch…”

“Elegant.”, he commented dryly- well, the tone was not intended. Catherine glared at him from the floor, but it did not replace the relief in her eyes. She came back on her feet and walked over him. Before he could apologise for his reflexive comment, she had hugged him carefully, paying attention not to hurt him any further. Rafael was able to sense her fear in the way her body shivered and how she snuggled her cheek against his. Rafael took all his strength and raised his left arm to rest it on her back. In this moment all of her tension disappeared from her body. When she felt his breath, his heartbeat, his warmth and the weight of his arm, she could be sure, it was not just a dream of her.

“I’m so glad, you’re awake.”, Catherine whispered with a voice thick of tears and gladness. Quickly, she swallowed down the lump in her throat and she pressed a hard kiss against his cheek, which contained all of her desperation of the past hours.

“What happened?”, he asked, when Catherine dissolved, but she shook her head silently. Instead, she turned to the side table and poured him a glass of water. Catherine sat down on the bed next to him and helped him to drink carefully. The water was soothing and painful at the same time. On the one hand, the temperature helped to cool down the burning in his throat, but every gulped hurt and Rafael had to focus not to swallow. After a few sips, Rafael pulled away, this little action exhausted him. When he was done, Catherine put the glass away and gently cradled his cheek and stroked over his cheekbone. Rafael closed his eyes, enjoying the little gesture of compassion.

“How much do you remember?”, she asked and the soothing circles stopped, but her hand remained on his cheek. Rafael opened his eyes again, although it still needed a lot of strength of him. Catherine’s aquamarines glanced down with a soft expression, a sorrowful mixture of concern, sadness, relief and happiness. She likely did not know herself, what she was supposed to feel.

“Not much.”, he forced out. “I left your flat.”

Catherine nodded as if she had expected it. She rested her head back into her neck, starring up at the ceiling, chewing on her bottom lip, while searching for the right words.

“You were hit by a car, Rafa.”, she said with a monotone voice, but there was a flicker in her eyes, which revealed the shock. Rafael frowned in surprise and tried once again to remember, what happened, but his brain was a stubborn child, sticking out its tongue at him. “You crossed the street, while being on your phone and didn’t realise the fast approaching car. The driver said, you flew over the hood. I even heard the breaks up in my apartment. I stormed down to see, if I’m able to help. It looked awful, Rafa.”

Catherine closed her eyes and took in a deep breath. Rafael did not miss the little tremble of her bottom lip, while she held back her tears. Catherine likely did not want it to be about her fear.

“You were unconscious, when I reached the crash site and your blood was everywhere, your limbs spread in unnatural angles. For a moment, I thought…” She swallowed heavily and clenched her right hand into a fist. Her voice was fragile, when she continued: “…you were dead.”

“Cath…” He could not even imagine, what emotions it must have caused inside of her and it explained his blood all over her. She must had cradled him in her arms. Catherine quickly blinked the tears out of her eyes, taking a deep, shuddering breath. 

“Luckily, it looked worse than it was.” She tried to smile, but only one corner of her mouth was cooperating. “Your right leg is broken, but it was rather clean and simple. Two rips are slightly broken and you have a severe concussion, but no internal organs were damaged. You still needed to be operated, tough, to make sure no bones fragments would be transported to the wrong place.”

Yes, Rafael remembered the case of Avery, who died because of complications due to a broken leg. 

“How long?” His gaze returned to her. He still needed a bit to wrap his head around all the information and his brain was still not working at its used pace. Catherine took out her phone and looked the clock.

“Around nine hours.”, she answered. “You were already in OR, when I arrived.”

He blinked at her, a question slowly forming his mind, but he could not quite grasp it. It seemed Catherine still was able to guess it.

“I wasn’t allowed to drive with you, because I’m not a relative.” She smiled sadly and continued to rub his cheek with her thumb. He could sense all of her emotions in this little gesture. Her caring for him, her compassion, her concern, her sadness and happiness.

“I’m sorry, Cath.” And he meant it. It must had been hard for her to be faced with his accident. She must had been scared to the bones. Catherine blinked in surprised and starred down at him, while shaking her head.

“No, Rafa. No need to apologise. You’re the one being injured. Don’t worry about me.” She smiled bravely and cupped his hand with hers. Rafael was able to make a twitching smile. Why had he not listened to her? Why had he not taken her plea seriously? And now, they were both in this mess. She had to face another fear of hers and Rafael was buggered. He had wanted to slow down, well, now, he had to. Who knew, how long he would need crutches? “Do you need something?”

Rafael shook his head. Although he was tired himself, he could see, how she was barely hanging on. She was struggling against her exhaustion due to the stress and staying by his side all the time. It was obvious, she had just fallen asleep, when he woke her up and her position had indicated, it had not happened voluntary. She blinked sluggishly, trying to keep his eyes open, swaying dangerously from side to side.

“I’m fine, Cath. Go home!”, he said softly. “You need to sleep.”

“No.” Catherine only shook her head.

“Cath…”, he tried again.

“No, Rafa.”, she replied through clenched teeth, although the exhaustion was on full display on her face. She had no strength left anymore, but she was too stubborn and too well educated to admit it. “I _won’t_ leave you alone.”

Rafael squeezed her hand as well as he could. He had expected this reaction from her. It was not any different back in his time with the SVU. If someone of them had been injured, the entire unit had been at the hospital and Rafael could also not deny that he was not touched by her concern. But she should stress herself out that much. He knew her. Catherine likely felt responsible for taking care of him, because he had no one else. Maybe guilty, even. If they had not watched a movie together, he would never have gotten into this accident. That was nonsense, of course. It could have happy anyplace, anywhere and anytime.

“There’s nothing you can do right now.”, he declared gently and looked with an unwavering gaze into her eyes. “Take a break and…”

“Raf!”, she interrupted him almost harshly, the nickname almost sounded like a bark of an angry dog. “You don’t know it yet, but I can be as stubborn as you are. I _won’t_ leave.”

Rafael frowned due to her tone. He did not really like, how she was speaking to him, but when he was about to get angry, her masquerade of stubbornness broke.

“Please, _Rafa_.”, she whispered pleadingly and squeezed his hand tighter. Her concern shining painfully from her eyes. “I would only be worrying, if I go, now. Please, let me stay. Just in case.”

Rafael exhaled softly and looked up at her. Her eyes were quivering, fighting back the tears in her eyes. Her harshness was just a disguise for her desperation and fear.

“Okay.”, he agreed. He did not feel comfortable with it, but he knew, they would only fight otherwise. He reached up and gently cupped her cheek. Catherine breathed out in relief and her entire posture slumped. Just in the last second, she was able to prevent to fall onto him. “But only, if you promise to sleep. There’s really nothing you can do.”

“There is.”, she protested and her voice was shallow due to her tiredness, but she was stubbornly fighting against it. Gently, she put his hand down. “I need to inform the nurse and Olivia.”

Rafael flinched and his eyes darted back up to her.

“Liv knows?”

“Of course. You haven’t changed your emergency contacts. The hospital called her and she me right afterwards.” Rafael groaned and fell back into bed. Liv was going to be upset. _Very_ upset. “She wanted to inform me, but I told her, I’m already at the hospital. It was my luck, though. The nurse did not let me through, so I handed the phone over to the nurse and Olivia told her, it’s fine.”

Just now, Rafael was able to understand, how much stress the past hours had put on her. How it must have felt like for her, when she had found him, supposedly badly injured in front of her apartment, covered in blood and his limbs broken. She must have been flooded over by guilt and drowning in fear. All she wanted was to help him as best as she could and it had been denied by her from a formality. Rafael was important to her and she was judged to do nothing to not being able to help him, to do anything for him. That must had been one of the most horrible things for her. No wonder she was this exhausted.

“I’ll be right back.”, she whispered softly, being back to the Catherine he knew. Catherine leaned forward and kissed his cheek again. “You really don’t need anything?”

“No.”, he whispered. “I’m high from painkillers. I’m good.”

Catherine chuckled softly and nodded. Gently, she patted his shoulder, stood up and left to inform the nurse. Rafael’s head fall to the side, his eyelids covered his eyes. Heaviness pressed his conscious back down and he drifted back to the darkness, he had just escaped from, but this time he knew, he would wake up.

~*~

The next time he opened his eyes, he heard, Catherine was back in the armchair, her phone pressed against her ear.

“Yes, he’s asleep again.”, she declared quietly, making sure not to disturb him. “The nurse and doctor said, he’s fine according to the circumstances.”

Catherine breathed out softly and lowered her eyes in sadness. She nodded and stroked her hair over her shoulder.

“No worry, Olivia.”, she whispered softly with a flickering smile. “I’ll stay by his side and take care of him.”

“He likely needs to stay in hospital for a week. They want to make sure, there are not going to be any complication.” _Oh great_. An entire week of boredom in a hospital. After that, they could assign him to psychiatry. He had learned to slow down, but he did not want a full emergency stop.

“Yeah, he needs to take it easy. Otherwise it might happen, he would not be able to walk properly again. That’s going to be the real challenge. You know, how stubborn he can be.”

Catherine snorted a chuckle together with Olivia, but she was too relieved to be fully happy yet. To be carefree. Rafael frowned instead. He might not be able to walk again? That was an unsettling thought. Very unsettling.

“I’ll try my best, Olivia.” Catherine closed her eyes and bit into her bottom lip. “Yeah, we are… I am. He’s my only friend. The only one, who _knows_ , who understands.”

Rafael smiled softly. Sometimes, it still surprised him, how much he meant to her. How he deserved this much affection, that was audible in her voice.

“Thank you for saying that.” She smiled softly. “But don’t worry, I’m not going to spare him. I’ll scold him in due time. I warned him and he ignored it. That was incredibly stupid and irresponsible of him.”

“I can hear you, you know?”, he said and Catherine’s head jerked up. Widened, blue eyes met his, but they softened soon and then turned into a glare. Something lurking, something sly and playful glistened in the aquamarines. An expression, she had in common with Olivia and him.

“Well, it’s true and you deserve every word of it, Rafael.” She locked her eyes with his, a mischief smile spreading around her lips. “So, suck it up.”

Rafael barked out his breath in surprise and he could hear Olivia’s laughter through the line of the telephone. He could not remember the last time someone spoke that boldly with him- well, someone close to him.

“Well, that felt better than I thought it would.” Catherine laughed and shook her head. She then slipped out of the chair and walked over to him. Carefully, she sat down on his bed again and looked at him reproachfully and softly at the same time. “Do you wanna talk to Olivia?”

Not really. Rafael did not want to be confronted by the stormy compassion, which was one of her characteristics. He did not feel up for an Olivia Benson preaching, but he nodded. Catherine stood up and held her phone against his ear.

“Hey, Liv.”, he said.

“Is everything alright, Rafa?”, she asked with a thick voice. His heart clenched, when he heard her concern.

“I’m fine.”, he smiled warmly.

“Good…good…” Rafael almost heard her nodding, but then, her voice was louder: “What the hell have you been thinking?”

“I’m sorry, Liv.” He winced. Something in her scolding always made him apologise right away.

“You should have paid attention.”, she scolded.

“I know.” Rafael smiled and somehow, he was happy. Really happy. “Done, Lieutenant?”

Olivia sighed, but laughed afterwards.

“For now, but I recommend to stay in the city for further questionings.” The deep chuckle coming from his chest hurt, but he did not care in this moment.

“Understood.”

“Take it easy, Rafa, please. Not just for yourself, but for Catherine. She was a total mess, when I called her.” Olivia paused and Rafael looked up at Catherine. She smiled at him. There were no traces of a break down, but he always had a sharp perception and he knew her enough to see all the little hints. In the way her irises were shivering ever so slightly and her smile flickered. He looked at his blood on her shirt and her fingers clenching into the hem. She was fragile, her relief herding her towards another one, but she tried to stay strong for him. “You mean a lot to her.”

“I know.” Rafael whispered softly and looked at Catherine. She sensed his intense stare. A faint blush shone on her cheeks and she ducked her head. “Talk to you soon, Liv.”

“Take care.”, she said softly. “Noah needs you to imprison the elephant again.”

“Did he steal the ice cream again?” Rafael laughed together with Olivia.

“Pancakes this time, I’m afraid.”

“A serial offender.” He snorted disapprovingly. “I’ll charge him as soon as I get back to New York. It might just take a while.”

“I’ll prepare everything.”

“Good, I’m counting on you.”

“Get well soon, Rafa.”

“I promise. Thank you.”, he whispered and smiled. “Bye, Liv.”

Catherine ended the line and put her phone away.

“You’re not out of it, Rafa. Not yet.”, she said and quickly wiped a few tears out of her eyes, hoping, Rafael would not notice.

“I know.”, he said softly, but his voice was thin. His exhaustion was creeping back up on him. “Cath, could you do me a favour?”

“Of course.”, she said right away and looked concerned down at him. Everything he meant to her was on full display in her eyes, but also the guilt, she was currently feeling, although she was not responsible for any of it.

“Can you come a little closer?”, he whispered hoarsely. His eyes looked tiredly into hers and he smiled. “I can’t speak so loud.”

Catherine nodded trustfully and leaned in closer. Rafael collected all his body had left and covered the last inches. He cupped the back of her head, pulled her closer and kissed her forehead softly.

“I thank you.”, he said with all his gratefulness in his voice. He wanted to show her, how much he appreciated everything she had done for him in the last night. Catherine’s body froze and the little, hidden shiver became stronger. A little sniff escaped her and a hot tear fell from her eyes onto his cheek.

“Don’t say it like this.”, she said with a trembling voice. “It sounds like parting words.”

“They’re not.” Rafael smiled softly. It seemed like the little girl of her, which had become his surrogate daughter, was coming back to the surface again. He gently stroked over the back of her head, while she tried to wipe the tears from her eyes. “You won’t get rid of me so easily, Cath. Come here.”

The IV made it a little complicated, but Rafael managed to pull her into his arms. She buried her head on his shoulders and quivered.

“I’m so glad, Rafa.”, was all she was able to say, before all the build-up emotions broke free from her, her relief washing over and into him. Rafael smiled and closed his eyes. He should not be this happy, while she was sobbing on his shoulder, her fingers clenching into the stupid operation gown, he was wearing. He really should not, but he was. Catherine wrapped her arms around him tightly, almost pressing the air from his lunges, but Rafael did not mind. He even managed to laugh a little. 

“I’m fine.” He turned his head and kissed her temple. He heard her huffing and slowly, the trembling subsided, but she still held him close, maybe even clanging onto him. Rafael stroked soothingly through her hair.

Three minutes later, her sobs died. The quivering stopped and Catherine snuggled her nose into his cheek to assure herself, she was not dreaming. That Rafael really was awake. That she had not lost him in such as trivial as a car accident. Rafael felt her breath blowing into his face and he felt himself relax, when he felt her trusted warmth. Over the time, they both had grown accustomed to each other. They recognised the other blindly and for others it might be ridiculous, but it was relaxing for the both of them, when the other was around. It had become natural to them.

“I’m sorry…I didn’t…” The words got stuck in her throat and she swallowed. Rafael turned his head to her and rested his forehead against hers. Catherine pressed her lips into a thin line, fighting with her confession, tough Rafael knew, what she was going to say anyway. “You’re the one injured and I’m crying.”

Exactly, what he had expected. He truly knew her well. Rafael had to keep him from laughing.

“Well, I was asleep most of the time and am drugged. You aren’t, so the time had taken more toll on you than on me.” He nudged her nose with his, until she crinkled it and both chuckled.

“But it’s about you.”, she protested half-heartedly. Catherine knew, Rafael would not allow her to think like this, to indulge herself in self-guilt. He kept a very close eye on it. “And now, the focus rests on me. That’s not right.”

“Am I complaining?”

“You’re too drugged to.” She smirked slightly.

“That’s my excuse. Think of your own one.”, he protested playfully. Catherine chuckled and Rafael stroked over her jawline with his thumb. She breathed out heavily, her eyes drifting close. Slowly, the tension of the past hours subsided and calmness returned. In moments like this the deep connection was shown, which they had carefully developed over the time. Even such a shock could not unsettle it. Catherine and Rafael instinctively knew, how to react and how to behave. They had been able to find a natural way of communicating, never leaving anything unspoken.

“Is it wrong, that I’m kinda glad, I gonna be able to take care of you for once?”, she asked tiredly and tried to suppress another yawn.

“Catherine Amell, I’m shocked. You want me to be hurt? Could it be there a little sadist hiding within you?”

“You’re so lucky, you’re injured.”, she huffed, but grinned. “Otherwise I would slap you hard.”

“Definitely a sadist. Who would have guessed?” Catherine gently puffed him into his healthy, unbroken rips. Rafael chuckled and stroked her bangs out of her forehead. “It might sound strange for outsiders, but I know you and where you are coming from.”

“Good.”, she said quietly. “I’d no idea how to explain that without sounding like a total idiot.”

Rafael rumbled from deeply out of his chest. He was glad, they had been able to reach this level of open communication. They knew, they could talk about everything with each other, because they liked the real person, not just a role they were representing. Not just a part. Catherine liked all of him, every facet, every edge, every flaw. She had even been able to accept and handle him in his _lawyer mode_ , how she called it.

“I’m glad, you’re here with me.”, he declared and pressed another soft kiss against her forehead. “Otherwise, I’ll likely die from cabin fever.”

“You’re saying that now.” Catherine chuckled and adjusted her lying position so that she was not touching any injured part anymore. “But I’m gonna be the strictest nurse, you’re ever going to have.”

“You need to be. I’m a bad patient.”

“We’re finally going to determine, who’s stubborner of us two.” Catherine smiled, while her head rested on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. Rafael threaded his fingers in her curls.

“Let the game begin.”, he announced in his best sport commentator voice and both chased the fear of the night away with their laughter.

“We’re quite a pair, aren’t we?”, she mumbled. “I mean, we must look like a couple to everyone and I’ve never had someone despite my family, whom I felt that close to.”

“I’ve never cared, what others think of me.”, Rafael murmured and ruffled through her hair again. “Do you mind? Are you feeling uncomfortable?”

“No.”, she admitted. “I haven’t felt that comfortable in like forever.”

“Do I make the impression of feeling uncomfortable?”

“No.”, she said contritely. “It just irritates me, that we’re not fitting into any definition.”

“We’ve both agreed, we’ve been through more together than most ever will. You alone went through enough for two life times. Therefore, we can’t put it into the limited definition of words.”

“I’m a scientist. I like to name things.”

“You’re also an artist at heart.”, Rafael said calmly. “You know very well, that our language is limited. That there are things, we can’t express with them.”

“But that’s love most of the time.”, she replied, shyly looking up at him.

“And emotions come in many forms. Friendship, love, trust, comfort. There’s not a checklist for them.”

“You’re far too wise, Rafa.” She chuckled softly and rested her head back on his chest. “How can you talk sense into emotions? They’re the epitome of illogical.”

“That was part of the job. To assess people. To know, why they behaved like they did, how to make them say, what I needed them to say.” Rafael looked up at the ceiling. The sun had reached its zenith, blinking questioningly into their room. They made a peaceful picture, the both of them. Their breaths coming calmly and evenly.

A few moment later, Rafael sensed, Catherine wanted to ask him something, but she was still hesitating. He was smirking up to the ceiling, while he waited for her to surmount her doubts. In the end she looked up at him and chewed at her bottom lip.

“Rafa?”

“Hmmm?”, he hummed quietly, almost falling back to sleep.

“Would it be alright for you, if I see you as my new family?”, she asked quietly and quickly hid her face in his chest, too afraid to look into his eyes. Rafael’s eyes flew open and he stared down at her with mouth agape. That was unexpected. If Rafael were not so surprised, he would be proud of her, that she dared to ask such a question. Well, Rafael was surprised. It came totally out of the blue for him. In this very moment, she was the little girl again, searching for every little bit of affection she could possibly get, while being afraid, her parents would never love her.

“Just so I have a name for it.”, she hurried to say, trying to back out of it, before she would inevitably be rejected and hurt. The accident must have made her realize that she no longer had a family. She just wanted to find a place, a person, to which she belonged. Even if it was just an illusion for her. That became clear from the way she had formulated her question. She had asked, if he was alright, when she saw him as family. She had not asked, if they _were_ family.

“I think, we already are.”, he said, before he even realised it himself. Catherine blinked her eyes open in surprise and looked up at him. “And even, if I don’t agree, it wouldn’t change your feelings, right?”

“No, but it’s a huge responsibility I’d loath on you and I wouldn’t feel comfortable to do so without your consent.”

“You’re too kind, Cath.” His brown eyes lingered on her for a while. “You really should be more selfish from time to time, but thank you. I really appreciate it.”

“So, you’re fine with it?”, she asked with the hope of a child in her voice.

“I am.” He nodded, but then rested his head back into the pillow. “I gonna add you to my emergency contacts later.”

“Thank you, Rafa.”, she said with her heart in her voice and an almost blissful smile on her face. “I informed your work, by the way, before I phoned Olivia. I guessed, they would await a reaction or result from you. If there’s anything, what you need to give to them, tell me. I gonna pick it up and bring it over.”

Rafael looked at her in surprise, but then his face softened immediately.

“Thank you, that is very consideration of you, but there’s nothing.”, he said warmly and Catherine laid back down. They rested like this for a while, relaxing with the others presence. Their softness turned into warmth, which allured them into a state between snoozing and being awake just like those lazy Sunday mornings in which time blurred into an undefined nothingness.

But then, there was something hesitating in her body language as if she was wondering whether to say something or not. Rafael was almost able to see the gear wheels of her brain working. 

“What are you thinking about, Cath?”, he asked softly and ruffled through her soft hair.

“There’s one thing, I haven’t told you, yet. The last secret, I’ve kept.”, she whispered quietly. Rafael was surprised, if he was honest. He had thought, they were past that by know. He had the impression, they had talked about everything, that they had no secrets anymore. They knew each other that well, he often knew, what Catherine would say. Catherine sat back up, what Rafael saw as an improvement. Normally, she would have avoided his gaze. “It might explain some of my behaviours, but I didn’t want you to have pity with me. Or maybe, I just didn’t want to express it with words. It pains me quite a lot, although I should’ve known better.”

“What is it?” Rafael frowned in concern, while Catherine bit her bottom lip and squeezed her eyes shut.

“I…” Her voice trailed off and she licked her lips nervously. Her body began to shiver once again and she clenched into her lower arm, pricking at her skin in mental stress. That truly unsettled Rafael. She had gotten rid of this habit almost completely. In this moment, he did not care about his pain. He sat up straighter, gently pulled her hand away and stared deeply into her eyes.

“Cath?” What could have messed her up that much? She had been rather well in the past months after Christmas.

“I found my parents after the trial and contacted them. At first, they did not react, so I wrote again. It turned out, they thought I was a scam.” Catherine laughed dryly and her face became distorted mask of disappointment. “After I finally convinced them, I truly am their daughters, I wrote them, what happened to me.”

Catherine sighed heavily and shook her head tiredly, while her shoulders slumped. An old sadness, which accompanied her for her entire life, covered her eyes. There was a resigned disappointment in every word she spoke. Disappointment not just in her parent’s behaviour, but also in her for hoping otherwise.

“I don’t know, what I expected from them, Rafa. I really don’t.” Her eyes looked back up at him as if she hoped, he would have an answer, but he had none. “I’m not naive. I didn’t expect a happily ever after. I knew, they would not tell me to come back to UK and we would live together. I didn’t believe, we would get closer through it, but I hoped for it, to be honest. Somewhere deep inside of me. I longed for any sign of kindness. It didn’t have to be much. Words would have been enough. Some form of compassion. Just _something_.”

Her voice trembled far more than Catherine likely liked. The pain of betrayal and disappointment painted every word dark and heavy. He was able to hear the desperate plea of her childish side for her parents to notice her, to love her, to protect her, to help her through this horrible nightmare. There was also the hopelessness about the cognition, they would not. That they would not be there for their daughter even in the time, she needed them the most. Rafael swallowed heavily and looked at the woman, who had been let down by life so far.

“But they didn’t respond.”, he whispered and looked sadly at her.

“They did.” Catherine sighed heavily. “I wish, they hadn’t. They had no words of compassion for me. All they said was, that I’m a disappointment and they don’t want me in my life. Not even, when I went through hell. It was hard, but I have to accept, that I mean nothing to them.”

Rafael felt the acid inside his stomach rise in anger and he grinded his teeth. He had dealt with quite a few parents, who had blamed their children and he had been furious with every single one of them. They had born a child and therefore had a responsibility, but as soon as it became uncomfortable, they gave up. It was too troublesome to help.

“Cath…”, he said pitifully.

“That tone is the reason, why I didn’t want to tell you. It might have forced you into feeling responsible. That you need to make up for it. Especially…” Her voice trailed off and she turned towards the window. A bird had sat down on the sill, singing a song quietly as if it wanted to cheer Catherine up.

“I felt very lonely at that time, rejected, unloved, like I wasn’t enough. Like I did something wrong and therefore, they weren’t able to love me.”, she continued without looking away from the window. “I was desperate, to be honest. Deep inside of me. I struggled with the cognition, that I have no family left anymore and no one would even notice, if I disappear or die.”

Catherine shivered, when she ended and licked her lips absently. How hard must it be to understand, you were not worth any emotions, not even negative ones? To accept you were a stranger to your parents and worth less than a foreigner. How overwhelming it must be to realise the chairs at your funeral would be empty. That you could die and lay in a river bench for a week and no one would be wondering, where you were. All of those realisations, even without a trauma like hers, had the potential to break a person.

She wanted him to believe it was not a big deal for her anymore, but of course it was. The love of the parents for a child was the most natural thing in the world. It was established in the DNA of every mammal. The entire success of this reproduction strategy depended on this fact and therefore, for the children, it was the greatest betrayal. They were born. Innocent, untainted, untarnished, unharmed, natural, neutral and yet, out of whatever reason, the parents decided not to give them any chance and to abandon them. How could they not be shaken to the deepest core? How could they not become insecure? How could they not beg for every piece of love they could possibly get?

“I got this message around a month, before we met again.” Finally, she turned back to him and smiled a weak, artificial smile to cover the devastation. “During the trial, I got the impression, you’d cared for me. At least a little. And I got hope again. When you asked me to show you around, I felt hope growing inside of me, I might get at least a little of what I wished for. That I might have the chance to find someone, who’d care for me. That was, why I tried everything to please you...to make you like me. On the other hand, I knew, I was only projecting my longing onto you. I was aware my hope was too much for the relation we had. That was another reason, why I was so scared with every step I took closer to you. I, uhm, am still hoping to be honest, but despite everything you did for me and the voices becoming quieter, I still…needed certainty. I needed to be sure, you know, how much you mean to me and if you’re alright with it. Tat’s why I asked for your consent. Uhm...I’m not good in explaining it. I hope you get, what I mean.”

“I do.”, Rafael said immediately. He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tight, hissing sharply in pain, but he ignored it. Catherine startled and struggled, trying to break free, so she would not hurt him any further, but Rafael did not let her.

“Rafa…don’t! You’re injured. You’re hurt.…”, Catherine whined, because she did not want to hurt him any further. She never wanted to cause pain to anyone.

“So are you.”, Rafael said calmly. “So much more than I am.”

“I don’t want that…please! Please, please…” Rafael knew, what she was begging for. Superficially, she was begging him to let her go. She would never forgive herself, if Rafael was hurt more, because she could not keep her mouth shut and he felt like he needed to give her compassion. But that was not the only plea. The deeper one was, he should spare her. He should not take away the last, few bricks, that were still protecting the deepest part of her soul. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have brought that up. You were just operated. You must be exhausted and once again, everything is revolving around me. I’m selfish.”

“Will you stop blaming yourself or do I need to scold you?” Rafael knew, she would recognise those words he had said to her, while they had practised the cross examination. He wanted to show her, he still remembered it. That they meant something to him, too. The way Catherine startled indicated, she realised it immediately. “You recognised it, didn’t you?”

“Yes…”, she answered breathlessly and lowered her eyes.

“You don’t have to be afraid of becoming a ghost anymore, Cath. I’d notice, when you’re gone and I would search for you. You’re not alone anymore.”

“I know…Really, I do…I just…” Her entire body slumped and her head fell to her chest, when she gave up to express it. “I don’t know.”

“Don’t worry too much, Cath. Everything is alright.”

“You just had a car accident. Your leg is broken and you’re saying that?” She huffed a little laughter. Rafael only smiled and ruffled once again through her hair. Shyly, Catherine looked back up, but it seemed she was able to feel his emotions, because carefully, she laid back down on him, proving him warmth, while silently asking, if it was alright. Rafael answered by letting himself sink back into the pillow. Catherine still appeared uncertain for a moment, but then gave up. She had learned by now, he would say something, if he did not want it, although it had not happened yet. It was strange to him as well, but he was able to accept body contact easily with her. Normally, he did not. Slowly, his eyes drifted close again and both of them were snoozing for some blissful minutes. Although he had just been in an accident, Rafael felt relatively relaxed. Actually, he should not be this relaxed, but he was, because he was not alone on this. Catherine would do everything, she possibly could, to help him, likely too much, until she wore herself out, if he let her. He smiled slightly and rested his hand in her hair. Catherine smiled contently and rested back into his embrace. Catherine truly was too kind and loyal for this ruthless world. On the other hand, he could not understand, how the world could be this cruel to her, to a woman, who had been through the darkest of times, but the essence of her soul had stayed as innocent and loving as a child. How could anybody, who she had shown this side of her, not like her?

 “You know, Cath…”, Rafael said after a few minutes, his eyes still closed and his breath coming slowly.

“Hmm?”, she hummed, not willing to leave this comfortable state yet. Rafael opened his eyes and scrambled a bit up, so he could better look at her. Catherine frowned, when she felt the movement of her warm pillow under her, but still refused to open her eyes. She likely thought, he needed to adjust his position because of his pain. Luckily, the painkillers were still working quite well.

“There’s something, I can’t wrap my head around.”

“There’s something you can’t wrap your head around? You of all people?”, she mumbled sarcastically. “I thought, you would have figured out the sense of life by now at least.”

Rafael laughed deeply in his chest and it rumbled through her head.

“Not yet. Still working on it.”, he declared dryly, but grinned. “But that’s not it.”

“What then?”

“How your parent couldn’t have wanted you.”, he said seriously and he felt, how Catherine tensed. Rafael looked at her closely. She still appeared relaxed on the surface, but he felt the little trembles, which ran through her. His eyes turned sad, when he realised once again, how much she had endured in her life.

“I would be proud to have raised a daughter like you.”, Rafael said casually, but his undertone was heavy. He meant every single word of it. Catherine’s breath hitched in her lunges and her fingers unconsciously clenched into the blanket. She was tensing, waiting for him to reveal it as another tease, but he was serious. After a few moments, she slowly rose her eyes and shyly looked at him through her lashes. In moments of honest affections her inner child broke free as if it was asking, if those gestures included her, too.

“You would?”, she asked quietly, her voice trembling, while trying to handle all those sides of her. The infant’s wish to be loved, the hopes of her mid-twenty self, the wariness of her sobered self and the one caught in between. Rafael nodded and cradled her face, his soft fingers gently grazing over her skin. Catherine stared at him with wide eyes, her mouth open. She tried to speak, but the rare event of her being speechless had appeared. She obviously did not believe it.

“Yes.”, he whispered quietly, but not less powerful. “You’ve become a strong, kind, brave and caring woman. You are gentle, considerate, clever, passionate, wise, ambitious, loyal, respectful, modest, integer and generous. But what you should be most proud of is your humility. You are not selfish. That’s very rare today. For you, the needs of others count more than yours. You are everything that parents would wish for their children to be.”

Catherine had blushed and with every adjective it had grown deeper until she was as red as a tomato and she hid her face in his chest. She still could not handle praise or someone was talking well of her. She was torn between embarrassment and happiness. Well, he could have added cute to the list, but that likely would have been too much and she would have insisted on her age.

Rafael waited, until his words hopefully reached her heart and she was able to relax again. Until she understood, he was not messing with her. Around two minutes later, Catherine rose her head and without saying another word, she hugged him as tightly as she possibly could without hurting him.

“Thank you, Rafael.” She was not able to say more. Her voice broke from tears, but he felt the smile on her face. Then, she became boneless, an ancient tension disappearing from her body. Finally, she had found someone, who accepted her, who cared for her, to whom she meant something. It had always been beyond question, but it was wonderful to hear him say it. To have it confirmed, she had done nothing wrong. That she would have been a good daughter. Her parents and her, they just had not fit. It did not mean she was wrong in any way.

Suddenly, Catherine yawned deeply and Rafael laughed.

“I think, we both should get some sleep.”

“Do you mind, if I stay like this?” She likely did not want to leave his side, needing more of the affection he was giving her. Rafael shook his head. Catherine smiled in relief and she pulled the blanket up so it covered the both of them.

Twenty minutes later, a nurse with blond, short hair and warm eyes came in to check the devices. She smiled, when she saw, how Rafael and Catherine were fast asleep, Catherine snuggled almost protectively against him. It was not allowed, but to Catherine’s luck, it was the nurse from the night shift, who had seen, how much Catherine cared for him and how scared she had been. Therefore, she decided to leave them be. She quickly checked his data, noted them in his file and left without disturbing them. They would need every strength they could possibly get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Rafa. He's so going to hate to be on clutches and being bored :) The next struggle and test for their friendship is close.
> 
> I feel bad for Catherine, actually, but I'm glad, she's trusting Rafael enough by now to speak openly about everything. That they were both able to develop this way of communication.
> 
> What do you think of this new level? Please let me know :)
> 
> Slowly, the story is coming to its end. It's going to be hard to say good-bye to Catherine and Rafael. I'm not sure, if I'm ready, but there isn't much more left to tell about them. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope, I'll be able to post the next chapter in a week. Olivia and Noah are going to show up, then. Have a nice weekend. Bye, Subaru :)


	18. The soullessness of perfection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia comes over to LA with Noah to check, if Rafael is alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter is up today, because I'm away all day tomorrow. I hope you enjoy :)

The pain was bad, but the boredom was even worse. Two weeks had passed since his accident and his mood worsened with every day. Rafael felt like a tiger cooped up in a too small cage, except he was not able to run up and down with his entire right leg in cast. There was almost nothing he could do without Catherine’s help, who had moved in temporarily after he had been released from hospital. At times, he was that frustrated, he wanted to throw the crutches against the wall and the worst thing was: he let it out of Catherine, although it was his fault alone. She tried her best to support him, to deal with the house work, keep him busy and playing courier for him, because he could not stay away from work completely. She brought files to work, back to him or to court, while handling everything else. All she cared about was his healing and therefore hold him back a lot of times, when it did not go fast enough for him. It led to them arguing, harsh words being spoken and Rafael had expected her to slam the door, before it turned ugly, but she stayed. Catherine was too loyal to do otherwise.

On day fifteen, the mood between them was tensed. There were still moments, when they were back to how they had been in the hospital, but Rafael’s frustration made him block every kind of compassion. The reason, if he was truly honest, was, because he was angry with himself for putting him in such a situation. He could not change it, but he hated it and Catherine, who tried to cheer him up with her affection and optimism, annoyed him to the core. In these moments, she was too kind and too good for him to endure. When he had calmed down, he had often apologised, but he could see resignation and exhaustion covering more of her eyes from day to day. She was on her last leg, while she tried to keep everything together. Probably, another reason, why he was getting angry. He had been stupid and she had to pay for it.

Catherine was in the kitchen on this Saturday morning, leaning against the cool countertop with a coffee cup in her hand and mixed feelings in her stomach. Olivia would come over for the weekend with Noah. On the one hand, Catherine was glad, because it could cheer him up, but on the other hand, it still scared her. She only had called Olivia twice afterwards- once after his medical check-up and once, when they were back home. Somehow, she was still fearing to be replaced as soon as Olivia and Noah were here. That she would be unnecessary, when the two old friends were together again. What the Lieutenant of the SVU and he had been through formed a bond, Catherine would never be able to build. They had faced the danger of death and the endless darkness. Something, they could not have.

Catherine turned her head and looked at the calm ocean, but this time, it could not chase away her anxiety. Her fingers scratched over the porcelain of her cup. Under normal circumstances she likely would not be nervous, but their current mood made her uncertain. This was the first real test, the first struggle to their relation and Catherine was not sure, if they would win. She was fighting for it, but she felt like Rafael did not want to. Likely, because his focus was somewhere else and therefore Catherine feared, she could lose him over it. Quickly, she blinked the tears out of her eyes and shook her head. What will be, will be. If this would tear them apart, then only their circumstances and longings had kept them together and not their personalities. If this was the case, only her crimes had been the link.

Catherine got another cup out of the cupboard and filled it with coffee. Slowly, she walked back into living room and when she walked through the opening, which led from kitchen to the central room of the house, it felt like sadness was falling over her. Rafael sat on the lounge, his casted leg resting on a stool and read a book. His forehead was furrowed deeply and his eyes flew concentrated over the pages. Catherine knew, it was only an act. He had read all of his favourite books at least once. He knew it, but it was better than doing nothing. If Catherine was honest, she felt a little afraid. Her heart was drumming in her chest, waiting and wondering, what she could probably get to hear, now.

“Hey, Rafa…”, she whispered quietly to get his attention. Rafael blinked and looked up at her. “I brought you coffee.”

“Thanks, Cath.” Rafael sighed and put the book down next to him. He carefully took the cup from her and blew into the hot liquid. Catherine smiled twitchingly. “Liv just texted. They arrived at the airport and will be here in around an hour.”

“Good. The major bedroom is prepared.” Rafael and Catherine had set him up in the other guest bedroom during his healing, because getting up those 15 steps at least twice a day, was quite difficult. Therefore, Olivia and Noah would sleep up there. “Is there anything else I can do?”

Rafael frowned about her choice of words or rather the monotone, maybe even devote, undertone in her voice. He lifted his head and his brown eyes looked at her quizzically.

“Cath…”, he said slowly and eyed her closely. “Why are you talking like this? You’re not my servant.”

“Well, I’m kinda at the moment.” She huffed a chuckle, but the joke fell flat and definitely was not enough to fool him. Not a person, who was used to pay attention to every little gesture and chosen word. Rafael rose an eyebrow. He could feel the tension of her as if she was afraid of him. Had he been that bad in the past days? Could it be everything was in danger, because of a broken leg? Because he was not able to control his frustration? Would he risk it to lose her, because of such a banality? No, he would not. Over the good times, he simply had forgotten she had endured more than most and therefore nothing was normal and everything could become important. She had appeared like a normal woman, her trauma not being on display for a long time. Rafael held out his hand. Catherine blinked in surprise, hesitating for a moment, but then their deep connection showed and her wish for them to work. Gently and trustfully, she rested her and in his and he pulled her down. Catherine obliged and sat down on the coffee table in front of him.

“I know, I’m not easy currently. I’m not used to be this dependent and helpless. It frustrates me and I’m letting it out on you.”

“Yes, you do.”, she declared quietly and Rafael chalked it up as a success. Catherine was not too hurt and trusted him enough to reveal her pain to him. The established way of communication was not lost.

“I’m sorry, Cath.”, he whispered with sad voice. He truly was mad with him for threatening her badly, although she did everything, she could, for him. Awkwardly, he leaned forward with his limited possibilities and cradled her cheek. Gently, he stroked her cheekbone with his thumb and looked apologizingly into her eyes. “I want you to know, I’m appreciating everything you dp and how you’re taking care of me.”

“Well, you obviously don’t take care yourself. So, I have to.” Catherine’s lips twitched up into a small, honest smile and she leaned in to kiss his palm softly. Rafael breathed out in relief, because he had not screwed it up completely.

“It seems like.”, he admitted and chuckled tiredly. “I should be more reasonable.”

“Yes, you should.” Catherine nodded and showed a full smile. “Sadly, you’re not really a patient man.”

“That’s true.” The eased-up face expression melted from his face and all the adversities of the past days were visible on his face. “And it’s likely going to get worse from now on. Cath, maybe it’s better, when you’re leaving and I’ll hire a day care.”

Catherine widened her eyes and her heart skipped a beat. He did not want her help? He wanted her to leave? Were they truly loosing? Had she taken the caring too seriously? But then she saw the sad, soft expression in his brown eyes and she understood, he wanted to protect her.

“No, Rafa.” She cupped his hand with hers and put it down, while shaking her head. “You’re a part of my family and family is there, even when it’s troublesome.”

No matter how much of struggles, she was going to face, she would stay by his side as long as he wanted her to. That was something she had decided a long time ago.

“Cath.”, he said touched and smiled. Rafael leaned forward despite the tension of his muscles warning him not to and he gently rested his forehead against hers. For him, it was one of the most intimate and gentle gestures, he could offer. Rafael had never been the man of gestures, a clap on a shoulder a maximum he normally offered, but Catherine was a woman, who needed big gestures. He had never been good in it, although it was easier with her. He hoped, it was enough to show her, what he was thinking. That his emotions would somehow be transported into her, through where their heads were joined. The way Catherine relaxed and breathed out showed him, she did. In this moment, all the stress of the past days disappeared as if it never happened. All the harsh words were forgotten and the superficial wounds healed. For a moment, Catherine had the impression as if their hearts beat in the same rhythm. It was this relaxed atmosphere, which she enjoyed a lot and hoped to never lose. To be able to preserve this precious connection, she valued this much. In this moment, she remembered her interrogation and how Rafael and Olivia had been able to communicate through a simple eye contact and how much she had longed to have such a connection to someone.

“What are you thinking about?”, Rafael asked and opened his topaz-coloured eyes. She chuckled quietly into his face and smiled.

“I thought back to the day, we’ve first met. During the interrogation, I noticed, how close Olivia and you were and how you were able to communicate through your eyes. I realised, how long it had been since I had such a person and how much I wished for it.” She snorted again. “I’d never guessed the person was already sitting in front of me.”

Before Rafael was able to say a word, she stood up and let herself fall down next to him. Without showing any signs of hesitation, she wrapped her arms around him and snuggled herself into his side. She did not want him to say anything in return. This sentence was something, which only belonged to him. Rafael seemed to understand, because he closed his mouth and his head dropped onto hers.

“Are you concerned about Liv and Noah?”

“Nervous is the better word. You three know each other. I’m the intruder and have to find my place in this new, social construct.”

“You don’t need to find it.”, Rafael whispered. “It’s going to find you.”

“What do you mean?” Catherine slightly lifted her head, but all she could see was Rafael’s jaw, because he refused to lift his head from hers.

“You have a natural charm, Catherine. Your kindness and friendliness make others like you immediately.”

“You’re the only one, who liked me in a very long time.”, she murmured sadly and clanged closer to him as if she feared, he would leave any minute. As if she could not lose the only one giving her kindness.

“Because you hadn’t shown it in order to survive.” Rafael opened his eyes and looked out of the window towards the blue, cloudless sky.

“Rafa…” Rafael turned his attention back to Catherine. He knew that hesitating tone well. She wanted to talk about, she had been thinking about for a while.

“What is it, Catherine?”, he asked quietly and slowly, while he stroked over her arm.

“I’ve the impression, you’re seeing me too…uhm…brightly. Can it be, you’re projecting something into me as well? That I’m an ideal idea of the good existing in the world? Not that I’m complaining. I’m too selfish to…”

Rafael took his time to think about it, because it was not a question to be easily answered or dismissed. The answer rested deep inside him and it was possible, he had not realised it yet and if she deserved one thing, it was an honest answer. Therefore, he tried to look into his soul to understand his unconscious answers. Nothing between them was easy and simple. Maybe not even pure or innocent. Their past had tried to taint them, both of them. His job had not broken him, he was still strong and righteous on the inside, but his outside had become dull and tainted, which made him appear hard. Catherine, instead, had managed to come purer out of it. A woman, broken, sad and lost, ran away to New York in the hope to find her personal American Dream, which was to help others. Then, she had been abducted, held captive and mistreated, being bent and twisted over and over again in the attempt to break her and to rob her of the selflessness that had been her dream. They had wanted to prove she was selfish and if she was forced back into her mere primal instincts, it would be revealed to be a masquerade to gain the affection of society. That it was a manipulation, which could be broken down by violence, but it turned out to be wrong. Was this assessment wrong? Distorted maybe? Was he interpreting too much into it? Rafael was not sure.

“I know, you have flaws and edges, Catherine, if this is what you’re actually asking.”, he started slowly, choosing every word carefully. “You’re too loud, you often speak too fast, when you’re excited so that you’re tripping over your own voice. You’re stubborn, if something gets stuck in your head. You have no self-esteem, you are selling yourself too short, you’re insecure. You can’t handle praise or compliments. You get embarrassed by them. Sadly, you were forced to expect the worst in people, especially in yourself, and yet you want to see the best in them. You feel unloved, because your parents, whose only task in their life was to love you, could not and not even your wonderful grandparents or brother could give you back the believe that you’re worth being loved. In your eyes no one is ever going to like you, because there’s nothing likeable about you. So, tell me, Cath, what exactly am I not able to see?”

He dissolved his head and met her wide eyes, a single tear rolling down her cheek. That was good. Not that he liked hurting her or to make her cry, but it meant, she understood the importance of his words and what he tried to say. Otherwise, she would have asked him, why he still liked her.

“I’m not seeing an idealised picture of yourself. Maybe, I’m thinking of you better than you are, maybe I see you as a symbol of the good in humanity, but it’s also fact, you’re seeing yourself worse than you are. Yes, you have flaws, Cath, but you have all the characteristics, which represents the good aspects of humanity. You are not perfect, Cath, but you don’t need to be. No one _can_ be perfect. Let us be honest, if humanity was able to reach perfection, it would be boring, because we would all be the same. There wouldn’t be any differences, because perfection is absolute. It’s an abstract, condensed idea of morality. And with that, I’m coming to the last flaw I want to list. Are you listening to me?” Rafael looked seriously at her and Catherine’s breath hitched in her throat. Then, she nodded. “You’re putting yourself too much under pressure, Cath. You’ve seen one of the darkest places of the world and therefore, you have too big expectations on yourself. The stronger the darkness of your hell was, the brighter you must shine to escape it, to not be swallowed, to chase it away. That’s what you’re thinking.”

“Rafael…”, she whispered tonelessly, her emotions gone. In this moment she felt blank, empty, not a single thought passing her mind. Should she be sad? Happy? Overwhelmed? Should she be crying? What was supposed to be done? Then, suddenly, she realised, what Rafael had tried to tell her. That was the question, which determined her entire life due to the deeply anchored cognition of not being loved by her parents. Therefore, she was constantly thinking, what would be the easiest, social accepted way to react and not how she _wanted_ to react. That was, what he meant with having too high expectations of herself. She just wanted to please, to be perfect in the hope, it would keep people by her side, but in the end, it would only make them turn away, because she would become blank and shallow through it. A faceless, colourless nobody without any edges and flaws, without any personality and they would get bored by her. Just with him, she enacted upon her wishes every now and again. Somehow, this realisation did not make her sad, it made her happy, because it felt liberating. She smiled and pressed her head into his shoulder. Rafael immediately stroked through her hair comfortingly.

“I understand, now, why you were such a good prosecutor.”, she murmured. “And how you’re able to convince everyone.”

“Do you believe it to be a lie? A manipulation?” Catherine shook her head in dismiss about his concerned question.

“No. It’s clear, you mean it. Otherwise, they would convince no one. I just meant you are better in putting your sharp analysation into perfect words.”

“Perfect words…”, he repeated thoughtfully. “Do they even exist?”

“Maybe there are no general perfect words, but there are perfect words for every person and you have an instinct for those. Maybe I have emotional empathy, but you have strategical empathy.”

“Strategical empathy?” Rafael chuckled and yet he was curious. “What’s that supposed to be?”

“It’s another perspective and purpose. I want to understand people. You need to predict them. How the other side will react and how to prevent it. Your guiding others with your words or checkmate them. It’s something foreign to me. I was never able to predict.” Catherine leaned back and closed her eyes, stroking a bang behind her ear.

“Don’t say it like it’s a bad thing not being able to manipulate.”

“It’s a necessary skill to survive in this world.”, she whispered quietly and folded her hands in her lap. “At least to a degree.”

“You gain the loyalty of people with your kindness. That’s way better and stronger than manipulation, because they’re doing it voluntary.”

“That sounds like friendship is just another form of manipulation.” Catherine opened her eyes again and turned to him. There was a deep, thoughtful impression in her eyes, which showed clearly the intelligence beyond them. It was sad she had gained this wisdom through pain, but sometimes, Rafael thought, it can only be developed through pain. If you are happy and carefree, you were not thinking about the mechanism of the world.

“Every social interaction is a kind of manipulation, whether it is conscious or subconscious. Altruism’s aim, for example, is to be approved by society.”

“So, humans are manipulative bastards and even our best actions are selfish.”, Catherine murmured frustrated and ran her fingers through her hair.

“Do you disagree?” Rafael tilted his head questioningly and looked at her with an intense gaze.

“Not completely.”, she admitted with a deep sigh. “We’re a social race. Everyone needs to find their place and purpose in the group, because we can’t survive on our own.”

“Hmmm…”, Rafael hummed in agreement, but then blinked lazily into the late morning sun. Catherine smiled, looked at her watch and stood up.

“Where are you going?”

“Olivia and Noah should be here any minute and the coffee is cold by now.” She pointed at his cup, not a single bit of steam leaving his full cup. “You should probably invest in thermo cups.”

“Or we shouldn’t drift away that often.” Rafael laughed and his eyes blinked in amusement.

“Don’t you like our conversations?” Catherine feigned to be shocked and winked at him, while she grabbed his cup and left for the kitchen. He laughed again and shook his head.

“Oh, I do.” He lifted his head and smiled warmly at her. “It’s the only thing keeping me from going crazy.”

“You’re such a drama queen, Rafa. Your leg is just broken.” Catherine chuckled in the kitchen, while she scrambled through the headboards to prepare the coffee. Soon, the scent of roasted beans filled the first floor of Rafael’s house and provide an atmosphere of domesticity. Catherine loaded two jugs and fours cups onto the tray and balanced them back into the living room.

“Thank you, Cath.”

“You’re welcome.”

Five minutes later, there was a knock on the heavy, wooden door and an excited, bright voice of a boy. Catherine startled at the sound, because it almost thundered through the calm house. She swallowed and took a deep breath, her nervousness suddenly causing an uneasy feeling in her guts. Unconsciously, her fingers clenched into the fabric of her shirt sleeve. It was stupid, she knew it. Then, she felt Rafael’s gaze on her skin. She turned her head to him, returning the gaze, then she took another deep breath and walked towards the door. She had just opened it, when a brown-haired boy ran through it, exclaiming excitedly:

“Uncle Rafa! I missed you.” And then, he was in his arms. Rafael lost his balanced and was thrown into the backrest with a huff. Catherine saw, how he screwed up his face in pain, but it was gone a few seconds later.

“Noah!” Olivia came into the living room after him. “I told you not to rush.”

“I’m sorry, mommy.”, Noah said ruefully and turned his head to her. “I was just too excited.”

“I know, honey.” Olivia smiled softly at him. “But you might have hurt him.”

“It’s okay, Liv.”, Rafael assured and wrapped his arms around the ten-year old boy, before turning his head towards Noah. “Missed you, too, Noah.”

Catherine stood at the side with a big slump in her throat and her hands crossed over her chest. Her heart hammered against her chest, while she watched the scene. Olivia putted her handbag down and walked the last steps up to Rafael.

“How are you, Rafa?”, she asked with a soft concern in her voice and her eyes. Rafael looked at her with a gaze, which showed the entire strength and affection they had for one another. Their mutual respect and the deep trust, which had been built by years of having each other’s backs, was unmissable. They had worked hand in hand, became the closest of friends and cared deeply for on another.

“I’m fine, Liv.”, Rafael answered softly and looked gently up at her, while he still held Noah close.

“I’m glad.” Olivia sat down next to him. “We were all worried.”

“I’m sorry, Liv.”

This situation was awkward for Catherine. It was clear their relation was close and she knew, she could never fit in. If she tried, she would be an intruder, which would disarrange the carefully weaved net. She was forgotten. She did not belong here. Suddenly, Catherine felt all alone and she felt nausea. How could she fit in? In the conversation and the situation? Should she harrumph? Say something? Insecurity crept upon her and her heart clenched as her fingers into the fabric of her shirt. They looked like a real family. Trusted, warm and comfortable. Rafael would never give this up for _her_.

Catherine shook her head to chase this thought away. If she wanted to have a place in there, she needed to find it on her own. She could not wait for anyone to offer it to her.

“Hello, Olivia.” It still took Catherine all of her strength to be brave enough to interrupt and to step forward. In this moment, the bubble of the other dimension around them explode and all three looked at her. They truly had forgotten she was there. Immediately, Olivia stood up and walked over at her.

“Hello, Catherine, I’m sorry. It’s good to see you again.” Olivia smiled her typical smile of understanding. Still, she hesitated for a moment. She was not sure, how to greet her. Olivia likely still remembered the way Catherine had reacted, when Marianne had hugged her. Well, Catherine wanted to make the situation as easy as possible, because she was the only one making it awkward. Therefore, she smiled friendly at Olivia and hugged her. Time to let this natural charm work. The Lieutenant of SVU was surprised for a moment, but then returned it.

When they dissolved, Catherine went over to the couch and knelt down in front of Noah. The boy with the brown curls and a green shirt looked at her curiously, while still staying in Rafael’s arms. Catherine tried to put on her warmest, kindest smile. She had never really been in contact with children at all and was not really sure, how to handle them. Olivia’s surrogate son meant a lot to Rafael and therefore, she wanted to make it right, but she realised, in the end, she could not control it and therefore, she should simply listen to her instinct.

“Hello, Noah. I’m Catherine Amell and a friend of Rafael.”

“Hi.”, Noah greeted immediately back and raised his hand. “I know, Mum told me about you. You were a victim of a case once.”

Olivia, Rafael and Catherine winced at the same time about, how directly the young boy named it. Noah seemed to be confused and tilted his head again.

“Did I say something wrong?”

“No, honey, you didn’t.”, his mother explained softly and smiled at him, while walking back to the couch and sitting down next to Rafael, leaning over to her son. “I just didn’t expect it for you to blurt it out.”

Then, she looked at Catherine.

“I’m sorry, Catherine, if I shouldn’t have told him, but I thought…” Olivia’s smiled twitched shamefully, but Catherine shook her head and said:

“It’s okay, Olivia. That’s what I am.” She breathed out deeply.

“What you were.”, Rafael corrected her persistently and the both exchanged a quick gaze. Olivia watched the brief interaction with interest. Catherine might think, only Olivia and he were able to communicate silent, but Rafael and her were as well.

“They hurt you.”, Noah said sadly with a quiet voice. The boy reached out and gently touched her arm, where almost every inch of skin was distorted from scars. It took Catherine great effort not to startle because of the sudden contact, but she did not want to scare Noah off. And somehow, there was something soothing in the kindness in his tone. Rafael watched her with an uneasy gaze, while Olivia was just wanted to call her son back, but stopped, when Catherine spoke instead:

“They did.” Catherine smiled and gently rested her hand on Noah’s, a little bit of her experienced pain flickering on her lips.

“I’m sorry.”, he whispered honestly, his blue eyes glistening with the pure compassion of a child.

“Thank you, Noah.” And from this moment on the ice was broken and Catherine loved the young boy. Gently, she removed his hand from her arm and stood up. She then turned to Olivia: “I gonna bring up your luggage. In the jug is coffee for you. I would recommend to drink it soon otherwise it will be cold _again_.”

She threw a pointed gaze at Rafael, who smirked. Olivia instead frowned and looked quizzingly at him. He returned it unmoved and only shrugged, but his eyes glistened in the way his smirk normally looked like.

“The smaller jug contains hot chocolate for you, Noah. Is that fine with you or do you want juice?”

“Chocolate is good.”, he said with a bright smile.

“Great.” Catherine returned it as brightly, then she walked to the suitcases to bring them upstairs.

“Wait, Catherine, let me help you.” Olivia stood up to give her a helping hand with both suitcases, but Catherine shook her head.

“No worry, Olivia. I’ll do it. You had a long trip.” She smiled gently at the guests and then took one of them. Olivia was about to protest, but Rafael interfered:

“Leave it, Liv. She won’t let you.” Olivia turned her head to Rafael, who answered it unmoved, both discussing silently. Catherine chuckled quietly. She could imagine how their cooperation must had been like with these gaze duels and both were equally stubborn in their own way. Catherine used her chance to bring up the suitcases.

A few minutes later, they all sat together with their cups filled with warm drinks and the air filled with peace. Rafael and Noah sat on the one couch and Catherine and Olivia on the other one. Noah refused to leave his surrogate uncle’s side. Catherine held her warm cup of coffee against her lips, slowly drinking little sips. If she was honest, she needed the comforting feeling of the warm drink to keep the coldness of anxiety away from her. The atmosphere had relaxed and Catherine felt more at eased than before.

“You know, Rafa, I’m glad to see you again.”, Olivia said, while putting her cup down on the table. “But I hoped it’d be other circumstances.”

“You said, you wanted to visit LA and somehow, I needed to get you over.”, he replied casually, smirking around the brim of the cup.

“You know, Rafael, you could’ve simply invited her.”, Catherin explained with a grin and leaned back. Somehow, she had the impression, the nickname belonged to Olivia as long as she was here and Catherine could not use it. “No need for something as dramatical as a car accident. I could’ve gone without the shock. Thanks.”

Rafael frowned and looked at her, because he did not know, how to assess her tone. Was she still teasing or was it a blame? Catherine noticed his eyes on her and tilted her head, before winking at him. The tension in his muscles disappeared and he replied:

“With anything less, I wouldn’t have gotten her away from her desk...”

“That not…”, Olivia wanted to protest, but then stopped and sighed: “Okay, it’s a little true.”

All of them laughed heartedly about the little teasing, but when it died, Catherine noticed, how Olivia and Rafael had another conversation over their eyes. She had no idea, what it was about, but according to the intensity of the gazes, it might be something important, the responds only expressed in a little quirk of an eyebrow, lift of a corner of a mouth or a frown. Noah was oblivious of it, his legs dangling against the couch and his cup in his hand. The little boy was happy to see something different than New York and be back together with his uncle.

“Hey, Noah.”, Catherine addressed him and the boy raised his bright, blue eyes, who looked a lot like Catherine’s. When she looked at him, she wondered, how her miscarried son would have been like. Noah’s tone and structure of hair and his eye colours were very similar to her own. Would her son have looked like him? Thomas, she would have named him, if he had ever taken a breath. “Do you wanna go to the beach and build a sandcastle or play ball?”

“Yes!” Noah jumped in excitement. “May I, Mom?”

“Of course.” Olivia smiled softly. “Go and have fun.”

“Yeah!” Immediately, Noah jumped up and ran over to Catherine. “Come on! Let’s go!”

He took her hand and pulled her out of the seat. Catherine laughed and followed him outside into the warm sun and to the calm ocean.

Olivia looked after them for a moment and then turned to Rafael, pointing to the glass door.

“Did she just go out with Noah, because she noticed I want to talk to you?”, she asked in surprise and looked with a furrowed forehead at the former prosecutor.

“Yep.”, Rafael said casually and smiled, before drinking more of his coffee. Olivia was used to her squad understanding the little mimic expressions and the silent conversation. She could not know how perceptive and considerate Catherine was. Olivia huffed a laugh, took her cup and sat down next to Rafael.  

“I must admit, I was surprised, when she texted me in your name.” Of course, Olivia had not missed the little act Catherine had put up on his sake. Neither she nor Rafael had expected Olivia would.

“Thought so.”, he admitted thoughtfully. “I was even more surprised, when we incidentally ran into each other on Santa Monica Pier.”

“You really did?” Olivia turned around to him.

“Hmmhmm.” He nodded. “I had just finished the rough unpacking and Catherine was working in a café at the Pier and was a little early for work.”

“It’s a small world.” Olivia smiled warmly and there was blink of happiness for him to have found someone helping him after such a difficult time.

“Indeed.”

“And she’s living here?” Olivia’s gaze wandered around the house.

“Temporarily, as long as I’m depended on the crutches.”, Rafael explained and pointed disapprovingly at the horrid walkers leaning against the armrest of the couch. “It’s going to be another six weeks until the cast comes off. Afterwards two months of physio.”

A deep, exhausted sigh left him and he waved undefining with his hand. The frustration was visible on his face.

“It’s a wonder, you haven’t turned into a manic villain out of boredom yet.”, she grinned teasingly.

“I’m this close.” The distance he showed with his fingers was very tiny, almost concerningly tiny. Rafael rose his head and his dark irises sparkled in devilish delight: “And I wouldn’t be manic.”

“Sure, that’s what is bothering you.” Olivia laughed. “But seriously, you must be dying from boredom.”

“And frustration and it was only two weeks ago.” He sighed melodramatically and slumped back into the couch, looking like a outing child, which was a pretty obscure picture.

“So, how are you surviving?”, Olivia asked and tilted her head. It was a harmless, curious question to break the ice and start a conversation. She could not have known she had hit the nail on its head. Rafael lowered his eyes shamefully, when he answered:

“By being a jerk to Catherine.” Olivia frowned in confusion and surprise. It happened from time to time, that Rafael’s Cuban temperament made him let out his frustration on others, but he often realised it immediately afterwards and apologized, but this time the shame in his eyes went so much deeper than normally. Maybe, because he was not the type to treaded anyone- especially not a woman and even more so one close to him- badly over a long time. He had his preference and likings, but he was fair and if he was harsh to someone, it was often born out of the heat of the moment. It never happened over a long time. Olivia had no idea he was struggling that much from boredom.

“She didn’t seem to mind much.”, she tried to comfort him, but Rafael sighed as an answer.

“She’s too polite, understanding and kind to do otherwise.”

“So, it seems.” Olivia smiled sympathetically. “It’s probably the only way to survive you, if one isn’t as stubborn as me.”

Rafael grinned, but it flickered around the corners of his mouth. His eyes lingered on Olivia for a while, his mouth working from the side to side just like the gears behind his forehead. He was wondering, if he should ask something. He knew, he could talk about everything with her, he was just not sure, if he wanted to hear the answer.

“Liv…” He licked his lips nervously, his heart fluttering like a humming bird inside his chest. Fear was a feeling he barely knew and which he had always hated. A feeling, which made him feel weak and put him back to the time, when he was still a little boy. Rafael had preferred anger. It was more powerful, but now, he was afraid to hear words, he never wanted to hear from a person closest to him. “Are we good?”

His voice was thin, almost broken. He did not dare to look into her eyes and suddenly, he had an understanding, how Catherine must have felt like, when she had revealed something to him. Olivia frowned and tilted her head, but then, she understood, what he was referring to.

“Yes, Rafa, we’re good. We all made tough decisions and I believe you thought it to be for his best. I can’t approve, what you did and I can’t reconcile it with my conscious, but those are my standards. I won’t force my moral on others and I know, you’re a good and righteous man. And even if you weren’t, you’re one of my best friends. It won’t affect that.” Olivia hugged him tightly, leaning her head against his. “I miss you, Rafa.”

Rafael closed his eyes and took in a deep shuddering breath. A single tear was leaking from underneath his lashes, when he wrapped his arms around her, giving in to the trusted warmth of their friendship.

“I miss you, too, Liv. Very much.”

“Why haven’t you contacted me?”, she asked the question, which was bothering her for a while and never got an answer. Pain swung in her voice.

“Because I was too afraid of what I would hear. You’re one of the less, whose opinion matters to me. I needed to leave to save myself, because I was doubting my decision more than I acknowledged myself, but turning my back on all of you, especially you, was hard. If I had contacted you, I would have likely come back.” Rafael hoped she would understand. Olivia normally did, but he was not good in expressing those things.

“I understand…”, she said softly in the voice, which normally reserved for victims to free them of their guilt. To grand atonement. She pressed a small kiss against his forehead, reincorporating his good-bye kiss. Rafael squeezed his eyes shut, when they both felt their shared pain rising from the depth of their souls together with the memory of devastation and pain, which they both had felt on that fateful day in front of courthouse. It was the pain of words unspoken and unshared moments. “At least you said good-bye.”

Olivia huffed a laugh, which was not completely able to hide the pain from the way Elliott had left. Rafael dissolved from their hug and watched her understandingly. They had never really spoken much about Olivia’s first partner, which had been the other side of her coin for almost as long as she could remember. Rafael knew the pain sat deep. It was pushed away, maybe even forgotten for the moment, but it had not healed yet. It had been a cruel way to end a relation, which had run so deep and to leave without giving any chance to say good-bye. Rafael understood it was hard to face the own mistakes and Olivia was like a mirror, which showed them mercilessly, but he would have never left without a word.

Rafael decided to change the subject to not hurt his best friend any further.

“How’s it going with Stone?”

“Do you really wanna know?” Olivia looked sceptically at him and tilted his head. Rafael sighed and shook his head.

“No, not really, to be honest. I know, he can’t be better than me and don’t you dare to negate that.” Rafael warningly rose a finger and Olivia laughed.

“Okay, okay.” Softly, she rested a hand on his cheek, stroked it and smiled warmly at him. “I’m glad, you’re okay.”

Both of them knew, she was not only referring to his accident. Rafael smiled softly and nodded, his eyes wandering to his terrace.

“Not just my merit.”, he whispered quietly. Olivia nodded and followed his eyes outside, but then looked back at her friend. She watched him for a while, but smiled slightly.

“You truly like her, don’t you?” Rafael turned his head to her, trying to figure out the intonation of _like_ she was having in mind, but there was no suspicion or judgement in her eyes, which would be there, if she thought them to be romantically involved. Slowly, Rafael was wondering, why he was suspecting it in those questions.

“I do, though, I’ve never expected it.” There was a melancholic expression in Rafael’s eyes.

“Rafa…” She covered his hands with hers. “I know, it’s hard for you to believe, but you’re human.”

Rafael quirked an eyebrow and smirked at her at this outrageous statement. Olivia did not get irritated by it and continued to explain:

“You had a liking for her right from the beginning. It was the first time for you to be the contact person of a victim and she naturally orientated on you. It’s normal to feel attached to one another and she’s sympathetic.”

A deep sigh escaped Rafael and he ruffled through his hair.

“It shouldn’t be like this.”

“I know, but we can’t prevent it.” She squeezed his hand comfortingly. “Some victims are more sympathetic than others. It just shouldn’t prevent us from giving the others the help they need.”

“I can’t deny, sometimes I’m glad to be out of this grey zone.” He turned his gaze back to her and smiled slightly. Olivia laughed and her eyes were glistening.

“I don’t blame you. It’s sometimes hard not to lose hope.” Then, she stayed silent for a few moments, wondering whether she should say, what she was thinking. “She appears to be better than I would’ve expected her to be to be honest.”

“She’s stronger than most believe, especially she herself.” Olivia frowned due to the fondness in his voice. She looked at him closely, but then smiled softly. “It seemed like you discovered your soft side.”

“Don’t tell anyone, I have a reputation to preserve and it’s mostly your fault.” Rafael sighed melodramatically and threw a long gaze at his friend.

“I gladly take the responsibility for it.” Olivia laughed. Rafael smiled and both saw, how a ball flew high above the balustrade of the terrace.

“It seems like Noah decided to play ball.”, Rafael stated.

“He loves it.” She turned back to Rafael. “What do you think? Shall we go outside and see what our kids are doing?”

“Oh, she’s my daughter, now?”, he asked with a chuckle hidden underneath his voice, tilting his head and his eyes glancing in amusement. Olivia stood up and straightened her blouse.

“If she’s not, what then? I know, you’re not, but I have to ask: Are you couple?” Rafael sighed and shook his head. He slowly truly grew tired of everyone suspecting it. Could he not care for her without having sex on his mind?

“I wish it would be this simple, Liv, but we both don’t know, what this is between us and we agreed not to bother. Yes, she’s like a daughter to me…but also a friend at the same time.”

“Well at least you skipped the teenage years.” She winked at him and smiled widely.

“That’s my luck. I would be a bad father in this period.” He laughed, but there was also a bitter tone in his voice. Sometimes, he wondered, if he had missed something in life. Olivia had changed ever since she had adopted Noah, but for him it likely was too late. While he had been a prosecutor, he had not wasted a thought about family or love and the time had flown by. Maybe Catherine was a compensation for it. A makeweight for what he had missed in life and he hated to even consider this thought. Catherine deserved better than this. Rafael leaned back, his hips slowly starting to hurt due to the strange sitting angle. In this moment, he missed how Olivia’s facial expression changed. His friend shook his head, a sharp, piercing gaze in her eyes.

“I don’t think so.” Her smile turned soft and she sat back down on the stool, while taking his hand. “Catherine holds you dear despite everything done to her. She trusts you. Therefore, you must have done something right or she wouldn’t be able to overcome her trauma.”

“I shouldn’t be that relieved to hear it.” He shook his head about himself. Why did he care that much about likely being a good father? Was it because you could not be a good father without being a good person? Well, it did not really matter. He would never be and actually never had wanted to. Noah meant a lot to him, but he was glad to be just an uncle. He smiled and sighed. “I really have grown soft.”

“Is it really that bad?”, Olivia asked and looked at him. She already knew the answer. Rafael shook his head, not really thinking about it.

“No, astonishingly, it’s not.” He smiled softly. “It seems there truly is something outside the job.”

“A bitter pill to swallow, I know.” For them both it had been hard to believe they were not irreplaceable, that the world kept on turning, when they were not working.  “Come on, let’s go outside. You need to get into the sun, otherwise you’ll be pale, soon.”

Rafael glanced up at her, quirking an eyebrow, but laughed along with her. Then he got back on his feet with Olivia’s help to settle down on the sun lounger. They enjoyed the sun on their skin and how Catherine and Noah played soccer in the sand, their laughter filling the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not getting much feedback lately. I'm not complaining, I'm just wondering, if you don't like the story anymore. Am I trying too hard to be smart? Is it too repetitive? What could I do better? I'm open to every kind of suggestion/criticism. Please let me know :)
> 
> Anyway, the end is near. there going to between 2-3 more chapters, depending on how they turn out. 
> 
> See you soon, Subaru.


	19. The heaviness of what if

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catherine and Rafael have a deep conversation under the night sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A surprise awaits you at the end of the chapter. Be prepared :)

The sky was clear and the stars shone brightly on this Sunday evening. The air was wonderfully warm, comforting even. It was one of those nights in which everyone came out to enjoy the feeling of being alive and to live on this wonderful planet. In those nights all sorrows and pains were washed away and the believe in humanity returned. A perfect night for a world, which was perfect at times. In those nights, Catherine often starred up at the sky and to the stars, wondering if Jeffrey and her Grandparents Martha and George would watch over her. What would they see from their point of view? Was she on the right track? Was she still on the path, which was destined for her? Are there even destined paths? Did such a thing as a celestial being even existed, which decided everything for you? Who just granted the illusion of a free will, because human could not endure the truth otherwise? Or were they just an excuse, made up by the condensed wish of everyone to have an excuse for their choices of life. A justification for all the madness, which also belonged to this world, had a sense for the greater good? But who would know, if those Celestials had the best intentions for humanity in mind or if Earth was just a playground for them to live out their weirdest fantasies?

Catherine sighed, when she removed the tea bag from the jut. Maybe, those nights also awoke some deeper, more philosophical thoughts. It felt like a window opened in the night sky, offering the smallest of glimpses to what was beyond it and this window was reflected inside her soul and opened her up to thoughts, which went beyond her own self. The part in which the wonder, called soul, had developed. Sometimes, Catherine wondered, what exactly the soul was. Scientist believed it rested within the neurons of the brain and Catherine was a scientist to the core, but it felt not enough. It felt like the soul was something celestial, too. Could this powerful, complex thing really be nothing more than a collection of electrical signals? How much was out there they were not able to understand? Humanity felt like they were perfection, infallible and yet, they were not even able to understand the entirety of the planet given to them. They were like children, thinking they were able to do anything on their own, while the adults smiled in amusement and nodded to encourage them.

Those wonderful nights, though, also made her think about the end, because everything would come to an end. It was also unfillable just like the night would become a day. Catherine had looked into the eyes of Death several times. The ghostly, white skeleton on its pale horse, who had followed her everywhere in all those ten years, but he had never said a word about what rested beyond the gate he was protecting. If there was anything beyond it at all or if beyond his white only rested blackness. Was his brother still out there or had he ceased from this world and every other one? Would he be proud of her? Would he find words of compassion for her or would he yell at her to turn around? Or would he say that she was blind? Because she slowly got the impression, she was oblivious to the gears of the world and life. That there was so much more, which she could not understand. She felt caught within her limited cage of thoughts. That even herself, her identity, her soul contained much more than she was able to see. She understood how limited her perspective from the ground was. How insignificant her problems and destiny must appear from the sky.

Still, she longed to be out in this night and in which colours fade and the brutal, honest truth was coming to the surface. Maybe, she would be able to see something in the extreme of the night.

“Mind if I join you?”, she asked Rafael, when she opened the terrace door and stepped into the night. Rafael sat on a sun lounger with grass green pads, his eyes rested thoughtfully on the ocean, which was as dark as the sky. The calmness of the day had subsided and one could notice the raw intensity and danger it occupied. In the light of day and sun, it was mostly gentle and warm like a mother, providing life, but at night, it felt like a demon lurking in the shadows.

“Me or my thoughts?”, Rafael whispered and turned his dark eyes to her. Catherine saw the deep thoughtfulness and same melancholy in them as she felt. She put the tray with the ice tea down on the side table and purred both of them a glass.

“What kind of thoughts are you having?” Catherine sat down on the other lounger, pulling her legs up to him.

“Those of regret.” His voice was nothing more than a thin whisper. The wind immediately gathered the sound waves of them and carried them far away towards the ocean, where no one could hear them. Catherine on the other hand was surprised by the heaviness of them, which made Rafael swallow. He took the glass of ice tea and almost purred it down to its half.

“I’m sorry.”, she said honestly. “Didn’t you enjoy the weekend?”

Or did he enjoy it too much? Her heart clenched at the thought.

“I loved it.”, he said, but his voice did not sound like it at all. Slowly, Catherine started to grow concerned. She had heard this tone of disappointment and doubts once, when he had talked about his father. Rafael lifted his eyes and there laid something in them, which she could not interpret. “Thank you for all of your help.”

“Of course, Rafa.” Catherine was surprised by the loyalty, which laid in her voice. It felt like she wanted to tell him no matter, what he was thinking about, no matter what was haunting him, she would be there. Might it be simple and small or big and endangering. “Mind to share your thoughts with me? What are you regretting? I might have assessed you wrong, but you don’t appear to be a person of regrets.”

If he were, he would have to regret a lot. As a prosecutor he had to make decisions, which determined others person’s lives. If he was, he would constantly have to wonder if he could have done more. Another claim, pushing more or less, another strategy, another witness, it all determined win or lose. In the extreme to life or die. There was no room for regret, otherwise he would break.

“Regretting might not be the right word.”, Rafael mused and leaned back on the lounge. “You’re right, I’m not a person of regret. With every decision, I weigh all known facts and information and then make them. It leaves less place for regrets, but it doesn’t free me from the question of whether I would decide the same today.”

“The question of _what if_ is the meanest to be asked, don’t you think, Rafael?” Catherine turned her eyes to him and met his. “Its only purpose is to stir up doubts, that can’t be cured, because we will never know the answer.”

Catherine had asked herself many times what would have happened, if she had not been raped. How her life would have turned it, if everything had worked according to plan. The imaginations had pained her to the point they had almost destroyed her. _What if_ had become a poison and soon, she had stopped asking it. 

“Did you not wonder what if you had not been raped?” Rafael’s question was heavy and the way he looked at her, he knew it. “Wouldn’t you prefer that potential present?”

“That’s mean, Rafa.”, she chuckled quietly, shallowly and looked up at the night sky. “Now, you’re pulling me in.”

“You asked, if you could join.” Rafael was not looking at her. “You should have chosen your words carefully.”

“As far as I remember, I haven’t answered your counter question, if I wanted to join you or your thoughts. So, I haven’t agreed.” It was a foolish attempt to ease the mood, Catherine was aware of it, but Rafael’s teasingly habit to use her choice words against her had become a running gag between them. She felt like she needed to do something, because she had never experienced Rafael like this and it started to concern her.

Rafael turned his head to her and looked at her in surprise, but then he barked a laughter and a smile enlightened his face.

“You truly learned something.” The melancholy on his face softened a little, showing a warmer smile than the one before.

“You’re a good teacher.” Catherine sat up and turned towards him. “Are you up for a deal?”

“What kind of deal would this be?” She smiled, when she got his attention. Slowly, the mischievous twinkle returned to his eyes.

“I feel rather melancholic and thoughtful myself. I was thinking about death and after life, wondering if there is any sense in life and destiny or if it truly is just a collection of coincidences.”

“No wonder after what Olivia told you.”, Rafael said compassionately, before she was able to express her deal. Catherine smiled weakly and nodded. On Friday evening, when Noah had gone to bed and the adults had sit together with tea, Olivia had revealed to Catherine that her rapists were dead. Two were killed by a gang quarrel. How ironic they died as collateral damage, when Catherine had been theirs. nothing more than a coincidence chosen to prove a point. The last one had committed suicide. The prison leadership was not sure, if the motivation had been feeling of guilt or fear. The moment Catherine had realized she was completely free, she had broken down once again. She had been crept out by the happiness, which had been spreading through every fibre of her body. She should not be glad. No one deserved to die gruesomely. Not even them. In Catherine’s deepest believe no one was born evil. Everyone was just a product of what was done to them, a sum of actions.

On the other hand, the meaning of freedom, real freedom, had crushed her. The fear of them chasing her down had died with them. Therefore, she had no excuses anymore to avoid things, she was afraid of. The word freedom suddenly had felt too heavy for her. From now on, she was responsible for everything. Her chest had become too tight for the word, she had not been able to breath, her body captivating itself in a panic attack. Cold sweat had run down her body, her heart racing in every inch of her body. It had taken almost half an hour for her to free herself and it was the first time Rafael and Olivia had seen the full damage and struggle, which was still existing inside of her.

“How do you cope?” His voice was concerned, his eyes scanning every fibre of her iris thoroughly.

“Actually, I don’t know. I haven’t quite realized it. After the panic attack, I was too busy to really think about it and I’m rather glad to be honest.” Catherine sighed deeply and returned his gaze. She did not avoid it like she would have many months ago. “So, here is my deal: I’m going to answer your question and in return, you’re going to answer mine honestly. I think, the answer I’m giving to yours would lead to mine anyway. Does this sound fair?”

Rafael’s forehead furrowed immediately, trying to figure out which question she would like to ask. It was an old pattern engraved inside of him, always trying to find a potential trap, not able to see she was just playing a game.

“Stop thinking, Rafa.”, she scolded him teasingly and winked slightly at him, but the corners of her mouth did not raise completely. “A simple yes or no question. Deal’s closed in twenty seconds.”

Rafael laughed heartedly, leaning back into the lounge, but nodded to give his agreement. The moment he did, Catherine’s smile fall from her face completely. She became serious. Rafael’s question was one she had asked herself several times. In the end, she had realized there truly was no use in wondering, how her life could have turned out. She did not want to think about a potential happy life, which had been robbed of her. Living in a fantasy of a better life only caused pain. She had got this life, no matter if it was fair or what she deserved and she needed to find a way to live it.

“Maybe, I would have lived a normal life.”, she started slowly. “It could have turned out better, but it could have turned out worse as well. Maybe, I would have fallen for an abusive man in my desperate search for love and he’d killed me in the end. We’re never going to know the answer and I don’t have the strength to think about other outcomes. I have enough other things to worry about.”

“I understand.”, Rafael admitted and looked sadly at her, likely feeling bad for bringing it up. Slowly, Catherine stood up, looking at the empty space of his lounge, asking if she was allowed to sit down. She needed his support, his warmth. It was a sensitive topic for her and she was not sure, if she could withstand her emotions. Maybe she could. She had for a long time, but it was easier with him. It still felt like he could shield her from the worst storm inside of her. She felt stronger with him than without. Those thoughts appeared more frequently and they made her thoughtful.

Rafael nodded slightly, giving his silent consent and pulled her into his arms, allowing her to rest her head on his collarbone. He knew, she felt the most comfortable there. She always relaxed immediately as soon as he hugged her like this and if this little gesture helped her to fight against her demons, he would do so. He rested his chin on her head and closed his eyes. The trusted feeling of warmth and caring rose inside of him. Tough, there was a new bitter taste on his tongue. Was it right to feel this relaxed while having her in his arms, when she had to go through hell to be here? Was it selfish and horrible of him that he was glad for her to have experienced this timeline, because otherwise, he would not have met her? He would be much worse right now, if she was not with him. Was it alright she had to go through this torment for his sake? Whose luck was more worth? Hers or his?

“But it’s not all bad. It could have turned out much worse.”, she suddenly said with a stronger voice. He turned his head to her and this time, she was looking at him with the same seriousness in her gaze than he had a few minutes ago. It seemed like his closeness truly did help. Her aquamarines shone brightly, showing no sign of shattering or being tarnished. She rested her hand on his cheek, her thumb carefully tracing over his tanned skin. “Yes, it was hell, but we wouldn’t have got to know each other.”

“Is that really good thing, though?”, he asked and he was surprised himself by the sadness in his deep voice. It could not compensate for what she had to endure. Gently, he stroked through her hair, noticing the little shiver, which ran through her body. “Wouldn’t you rather have renounced my acquaintance, if you had been spared of all this?”

“I was tortured and raped. I can’t change that.” She smiled flickeringly and rested a hand on his cheek. “All I can do is try to make the best out of it. Knowing you is a good thing that came out of it and I don’t want to miss it.”

Rafael looked down at her with a gaze which contained everything, all that was between them, which they could not name. If she was willing to accept, what had been done to her in order to get to know him, he truly must be precious to her and she was just as much to him. She probably thought getting to know her was not a big deal for him. How wrong she was with it. He would have laughed at everybody predicting it all those years back. He had just come to terms with his fondness for Olivia, but somehow this young woman in his arms, knew how to push his buttons. No, that was not it, because it would be a manipulation and to manipulate was something foreign to her. She was, what he had needed.

“I’m still sorry, you had to endure all of this.”, he whispered into her hair. “I truly wish, there had been another way we would have met.”

“Let’s be honest. We would have likely never met. We live in very different culture circles. You were prosecutor in Brooklyn, I was studying at the Columbia. Where would have been a potential overlap?” Rafael had to admit she was right. He had worked hard to get access to the higher society and therefore rarely left it. He had no contact to anything outside of it. “And even if we had, I would have never gained your attention.”

Once again, she was right. He laughed quietly and shook his head. She truly knew him. Rafael was aware, he could be an arrogant arse at times and he hated to waste his time. A biology student would have been nothing, which would have gained his interest, if she had been introduced to him. He would have greeted her maybe and then looked for somebody he knew, to end it quickly. He would have never given her the chance to show him his potential, although she fitted well to him. He truly was superficial sometimes, was he not?

“To be fair, though, I wouldn’t have been any better.” Catherine laughed and rested herself against him. “I would have thought you were too arrogant.”

“You wouldn’t have been wrong.” Rafael chuckled quietly and slightly rested an arm around her, while both of them stared up at cold, serene light of the stars. Catherine closed her eyes, enjoying the breeze, which played with her hair. It fascinated her, how briefly the sadness lasted. Not so long ago just a slight flicker of memory would have consumed for at least the day. She had felt, like she could not escape the darkness, but now, she even faced it willingly, if it could help the man next to her. She knew now, she was able to escape it. It would not swallow her. Her nightmares might come back every now and again just like the night returned, but another morning would arise at the horizon. It was a cycle, which could not be stopped. Catherine would never escape her memories completely. There was no way she would get back to the point, where she had been. She was another Catherine, but slowly she was asking herself, if that actually was a bad thing. Was the current Catherine worse than the former? Would her life had been so much better? She was not sure anymore. When Catherine had arrived in New York, she had felt lost and lonely. A little girl stranded in a big city, facing a crowd of humans too strong for a 19-year old on her own. Who knew, where she would have ended up. Not here that was for sure. She would no be friends with Rafael and Catherine was not sure, if her other self would have found a friend like him. Someone she could be herself with even though her character was so much different than his. A friend, who supported her in everything she did and offering the feeling of being at home. Actually, all those feelings were the reason, why her question had been awoken inside of her.

Meanwhile, Rafael turned his head to her, closing his eyes, almost dozing off. With Catherine by his side, he felt like he was coming to rest. He would not call it calm down, because Rafael had always been calm and controlled, but the stress of his everyday life stepped back. Catherine had taught him it was fine to stop for a minute. _Faster, higher, stronger_ had been his motto of life, but it was a dangerous one. One, which had almost destroyed him and it was healthful to realise, success was not everything. Helping Catherine to get back into to track, to see, how she slowly started to trust him, to give him her true self was just as satisfying as winning case, though in another way. Catherine’s fight for her life had forced him to think outside the box, dealing with thoughts and topics, he rarely had before.

Rafael rested his hand on her shoulder, gently enclosing her, but not holding her too tight. He would never want her to feel captured in anyway. Holding her too tight might break the idiomatic wings, which she slowly was developing.

“Did I answer your question to your satisfaction?”, Catherine asked with a voice low from relaxation, slowly pulling him back out of his haziness. Although Rafael had not done much over the weekend, he was exhausted. Noah had been considerate about his condition, but he was still a young boy, demanding the attention of his beloved uncle. This exhaustion had likely weakened his mental wall, allowing those thoughts to roam through his head. It was his luck Catherine had a fine empathy for him and noticed his state. Rafael was sure, he could trust her. Catherine always had the best in mind often at the cost of her own. She had kept the promises, which she had written down for him and which he was keeping in a secure drawer.

“You did.” Rafael smiled up to the sky, then he turned his head to her and looked at her curiously. “What is your question?”

 “What if I’m in love with you?”, her voice was quiet, but firm. For more, she had not enough courage. Somewhere deep inside of her, she still hoped he would overhear it. Her heart clenched in fear. This conversation could lead to their disaster. She could lose him, but she needed to know. She could not go on like this anymore.

Feelings truly were a strange thing. They are a part of you and your body, born somewhere inside the soul. They belonged to you and yet, it often appeared like you were not able to understand them like they were speaking another language. Catherine tried to understand, what her own were trying to tell her, but she was not able to. That was the reason she hoped to find an answer with Rafael’s help. They both had a very different view of things and compensated the other almost perfectly. He might be able to understand, what she could not. Still, Catherine had a feeling in which direction her answer would go and she was not completely sure, if she did not want to understand, because she was afraid of the consequences.

Rafael startled next to her and swirled around. His eyes were blown wide, surprise shining in every fibre of his iris. Catherine took a deep breath to calm her nerves. She had willingly passed the point of no return, because she simply could not figure out on her own, if she loved him. She did not even dare to ask, if he did. Her anxiety still made her think, there was nothing lovable about her. Especially such a cultivated man as Rafael would never fall for a woman like her. She was pathetic to hope for it. The voices of her demons laughed tauntingly at for throwing his affection away for such a foolish hope.

Catherine stood up, increasing the space between them. She believed, he would rather not have her this close between them anymore, because it could feel like forcing an answer on them. They needed to figure it out as neutrally as possible just like scientist would. With any other result none of them would be helped, because they could not accept it. They were both too rational.

On the other hand, Catherine was not able to endure his closeness in this moment. She could not handle the warmth, when she was risking losing it. She would likely back out on it, laughing it off as a stupidity and then they were back to where they had been. All just because she was too afraid to lose it.

Slowly, Catherine sat down on the other lounge, facing him. Rafael had sat up as well as he could as well, his body language mirroring the seriousness of the conversation. This was nothing casually being spoken about, while lying in each other’s arms, watching the stars. Catherine tried to look as calmly and steadily at him as possible. He should see, it was not a confession- well, not yet, but it could turn into one. She simply wanted to talk it through. Rafael on the other hand appeared to be nervous for the first time since she knew him. At any other time, she would have teased him, but the current state was too fragile and dangerous.

“Cath…”, he said carefully, his eyes looking concerned at her. “We talked about this.”

“Did we? Did we truly talked about it?”, Catherine asked with a thoughtful voice and lowered her head, nervously, fidgeting her fingers. “I’ve rather the impression, we haven’t. Every time we did, we dismissed it immediately as nonsense. We never gave the thought a chance and I can’t go on like this. I can’t walk the tightrope any longer. I hope you can forgive me my selfishness.”

Rafael stayed silent for several moments and Catherine was not able to read, what he was thinking. Her heart beat fast in her throat, but she forced herself to stay calm. It would not be for the good, if she rushed him. It was a difficult, mean question. She knew it. Actually, she did not even expect them to become a couple. No matter how this conversation would turn out, she would be fine with it, but she knew, Rafael likely would not. They would not be same afterwards.

“I’m…” Rafael stopped and frowned, rethinking his words. “I’m not sure, if I understand your question. You formulated it rather strangely. What do you want me to answer to that?”

“I don’t have any specific answer in my mind.” Catherine sighed and ran through her long, brown curls, twisting the tips around her fingers and then letting them go. “I probably should give a little bit of context, so you know where this is coming from.”

“Please.” Rafael was still rather calm and Catherine was glad about it. She actually had feared, he would react badly- either being mad, annoyed or laughing at her. She had been afraid he would tell her how stupid it was to even think of it. Well, she had wanted this conversation, so she had to get through this and endure the suffocating silence.

“When I was in the kitchen, I thought about Jeffrey and if he’s still out there. Somewhere with the stars.” She stretched out her hand as if she tried to gather one of the stars or as if she was hoping, the transcendent being of her brother might reach out to her, granting her an insight on her life, she would never be able to gain. “I wondered, what he’d think of my life. How my chosen path would look like from above and what he would think of us.”

Rafael said nothing, only titling his head and his face expression was almost painfully neutral. Catherine felt the urge to grab and shake him to get any reaction. Just like when they meet each other, the normally pleasant calmness of his was driving her nuts. She could hardly endure not to know, what he was thinking. It made her realise, she was only able to read him, if he allowed her to.

“I started to wonder, if we’re maybe the one’s being blind. Maybe we’re not allowing ourselves to have this thought, because it contains a huge risk of eventually destroying, what we have and that’s something neither of us want.” Catherine lowered her hand again and licked her lips. She breathed in deeply, collecting her courage. “I had to admit, if I look objectively at us, I can understand, why other’s think we are. To be honest, if we were a story, I would ship us.”

Finally, Catherine was brave enough to look back up and to meet his eyes. She still was not sure, what she was seeing in the deep, dark ocean of his eyes, but she felt like she was pulled in. She would jump into it without knowing, how deep it might be. Actually, when she thought about it, she already did by giving him her trust.

“Would you?” How was Rafael able to stay that calm? It never ceased to amaze her. Was he not aware, they could go down on this question or was his faith in them strong enough, he believed they were not damned no matter how it turned out? Catherine was almost going crazy from nervousness here and he only looked untouched. Sure, it was not the worst idea to stay calm and objective, but that was a damn big question mark hanging above her head.

Rafael awkwardly swung his handicapped leg over the sun lounger and placed it on the ground, so he was able to face her. His skin glistened in the cool light of the stars.

“Wouldn’t you not?”, Catherine replied and a slight nuance of curiosity was appearing in her voice. Unfortunately, Rafael did not do her the favour of answering the question. Likely, because it would have been too rushed, too and she might have jumped to conclusion.

“Why are you asking what if _you_ are in love with me and not what if _we_ love each other?”, he asked instead. Catherine stayed silent and starred past him. She had chosen the formulation of her question carefully, but to explain her choice was not easy. Inside of her was a chaos of emotions, which were swirling like whirlpool in her stomach. It was hard to understand, what was going on inside of her. He was so much smarter than her.

“Because I don’t want to figure out, if we could potentially be a couple. It’s about understanding, what is going on inside of me.” In the end, Catherine decided to simply express it, how it came to her mind. Rafael actually had been better to understand, what was going on with her. When Catherine was clueless, he often understood, where her emotions were coming from. “I have no experience in love, Rafael. When I came to New York, I was unkissed. I didn’t even have a crush. Jeffrey’s illness left no place for it. And afterwards all of my experiences had been painful. Mostly violent even. The strongest, most beautiful feeling on this planet is polluted for me.”

“Cath…”, Rafael whispered compassionately, his eyes mirroring the pain, she was feeling inside of her. Catherine, on the other hand, was glad, he still called her by her nickname. She had not scared him off yet.

“That’s why I’m fearing, I wouldn’t recognise it. The only kind of love I know is the one of family. What I feel for you is similar and therefore I assessed it as such. But what if I’m wrong?” Her voice was desperate at the last question. Her eyes flew back on him, begging him for help, although she did not know herself, from what. “What if I’m going to hurt us in the end, because I wasn’t able to understand it and do something wrong?”

Quickly, she wiped a few tears out of her eyes and dammed the sadness, which accompanied her fear and desperation. She did not dare to look up. She was afraid of the expression she might see on his face. It had been a stupid idea to bring it up. Why could she not be content with what they had? Why did she need to find an answer for everything? She truly was a pathetic idiot. Maybe her demons were right. Maybe she had not gotten rid off her curse. Maybe she was not good for anyone, especially not herself.

“Cath.” Rafael’s voice was soft and firm, but not demanding. “Look at me.”

Catherine hesitated. She truly did not want to face him. All of her brave had been used by asking the first question. Now, she was as insecure as all the times before. In the end, she looked up, but only, because he asked it of her. Rafael’s eyes were still calm, but there was a shimmer of pity. How much she hated this expression. On everyone’s face, but especially on his. It made her believe, he would actually never see more in her than the poor victim. The missing self-confidence, which only parents could provide, had left a huge cliff inside her soul and mind, making her feel unworthy of anything belonging to her. She would always feel like a nuisance. Catherine was nothing more than an empty vessel that gathered the projections and hopes of others, but never became its object. They would always look through her to see their heart’s desire, which they could never reach. She was just a replacement and as soon as they could reach out to get their wish, Catherine would disappear, because she had fulfilled her purpose. She was an illusion, filling in, whatever the person looking at her was missing. It was not the worst thing to be a wish fulfiller. At least, it filled the canyon inside of her, although she knew the emotions were not meant for her. No one wanted to see Catherine.

She shook her head and clapped against her cheek to chase those thoughts away. They were not true. Deep down she knew, they were not.

“Cath, you can talk about everything with me. You want to talk this through? Then, we’re going to.”, Rafael tried again even softer than before. Catherine hated he still needed to be cautious with her. That she still would easily shy away. She had never been good at confrontations of any kind. Life was hard enough without them. “No need to be afraid.”

“I am afraid.”, Catherine admitted quietly. “I’m risking, what means most to me.”

“You’re not.”

“How can you be so sure?”, she asked desperately. “It will forever stand between us. Just because I couldn’t shut my mouth.”

“Because it won’t change a thing, Cath.”, he reassured genuinely. “We’re just defining, what the current situation is. We’re not creating a new one.”

“What if it turns out, that I love you?” Her voice shivered and she gulped. Rafael grabbed the jut of ice tea, pouring her another glass and handed it to her. He hoped holding the glass would give her something to hold onto. It was a minor gesture, but it had often helped Catherine to anchor herself. She gratefully took the glass and swallowed half of its content.

“Then you did before, too, and we just decided to name it differently.”, Rafael explained and made an open gesture with his hand. Catherine looked up in surprise, then huffed a sigh, while shaking her head.

“I’m still not understanding, why you keep bothering with me.” A small smile flickered around her peachy lips.

“And you don’t have to.”, Rafael declared, allowing no objection. Catherine nodded, though it was still hard to live up to, to truly accept he had willingly decided she was worth all the fuzz and drama. He was efficient. Therefore, she must give back at least as much as she took. Otherwise, he would get rid off her.

“I thought it might be a feeling of family, but if I’m truly honest with myself, it’s different. It feels as comfortable as family, but there’s more to it. Another nuance, which I can’t quite grasp. I never looked that much for body contact like I do with you.” Expressing her emotions truly was not an easy task. She had cut them off from herself during all those years and now, when she was getting them back, they were often overwhelming.

“You’ve been lacking of any form of contact for over ten years. It’s perfectly normal, you’re desperately trying to get as much as you can, now.”, Rafael said neutrally as if it was the most natural thing on this planet.

“Please stop, Rafael.”

“Stop what?” He tilted his head and his topaz eyes looked at her in a mixture of curiosity and the calmness, she wished so much, she could own.

“Making it sound like my behaviour is natural.”, she whispered dryly with lowered head. “As if I make any sense.”

“You do.”

“It doesn’t feel like this to me. It feels like every part of me is speaking in a different language. I can’t understand myself.” Catherine let out a resigned sign.

“Since when are wondering about it?” The way he asked the question sounded like he was doing another cross-examination. Like he was not subject of this conversation. Catherine wondered, if it was a protection measures, but maybe it was the right way to handle this conversation. Maybe he just tried to keep guilt and blame out of it, analysing what was there, not what might be there.

“Ever since the accident.” Catherine took in a deep, shuddering breath. Inevitably, the gruesome pictures returned like a horrid fata morgana. Once again, she saw him lying on the pavement. His blood running down his body like a river, his eyes closed and his breath shallow, almost not there. The whole scenery had looked so much like back in her cell. Maybe that was the reason, why it had shocked her so much and made it appear worse than it was.  It had been this moment, when she had truly realised, how important he had become to her.

“When I saw you covered in your blood, I was panicking.” Catherine bit her bottom lip. “Normally, I go into crisis mode, but at that time, my mind went blank. I wasn’t able to think. My heart was racing and I felt desperate. There was only one thing running through me all of the time. Please, whoever is listening to my prayer, don’t take him away from me. I was scared.”

She looked back up and suddenly, the distance between was hard to bear. Catherine wanted nothing more than to close it, to press herself back into his arms and search for the calmness, he always provided and which would protect her from the imagines and doubts playing inside of her mind. Desperately, she clenched her fingers into the fabric over her heart in an attempt to give her the hold, she desperately needed. She should be able to provide it herself. She should not be that dependent on him.

“It made me realise, how important you are to me.” To her surprise, it felt like a weight was falling off her heart. Like a chain, which had sealed a part of her heart, was falling to the ground and disappeared.  It felt empowering to give up all the secrets. Secrets were a protection mechanism with whom humans were able to control, what others would see in them, but they made lonely. In the deepest corner of the souls, everyone wished to find the person with whom they could give it up and reveal everything. To be the true self, not just an imagine, they had chosen to show. That was why revealing every last part of the soul, felt so relieving and yet, it was the most dangerous thing to do. Strength and vulnerability were equal at this point. Two sides of the same coin. But was that not, what was called love? Well, she had asked of Rafael to figure it out with her so had to give him every piece of information she had without thinking, if it was valuable or not. “Actually, I’ve never liked someone as much as you. When I’m with you, it feels like home. Like I finally found someone I can rely on after all those years of darkness. I can talk about everything with you. You’re able to understand me, better than I do myself. I feel safe, when I’m close to you. You saved me from my darkness and therefore, I believe you can from everything. I feel…normal. You give me the strength to leave the past behind- with some throwbacks. I have fun.”

She blinked several times and shook her head as if it sounded absurd. Rafael tilted his head and smiled softly. Her tension was gone. The chains broken. Just one more step, just once being brave again and she could completely free herself.

“What I had hoped to find in Nathan.” Rafael flinched at the sound of his name and he did not like the feeling, which slowly rose in him like the tides, but it subsided in the moment, Catherine rose her gaze. She smiled and it somehow appeared like she was glowing. Her aura appearing brighter, warmer and kinder, softer than ever before. “I found in you. It seems like I was the one being blind.”

“Cath…” Her words felt crystal clear like an ancient truth being spoken. Even if he tried to doubt them, he could not. They had been at so many crossroads, he had lost count. They were a pair of extremes. There was either success or doom for them. Nothing in between. Forged through horror, despair, violence and blood they had crafted a world of their own. A pocket dimension in reality in which only they existed. Their sanctuary in which they found calm. Catherine had stepped in front of him. Bare and with a naked soul, shredded off the tiniest piece of disguise. Maybe it was time, he did the same.

Slowly, Rafael reached out for the crutches, which awaited him at the end of his lounge. It was difficult, but he was able to get up. His arms shivered slightly, when he rested his weight on the walking aid. Immediately, Catherine jumped up to help him, but he shook his head and she understood. Rafael needed a bit, but he sat down next to her. Catherine turned towards him, frowning, because he had something thoughtful on his face. Something deep and yet gentle. She expected him to hug her close, to rest his chin on top of her head, like so many times before, but it did not happen. To her surprise, Rafael did something, he had never done before. He rested his head on her shoulder, closing his eyes and taking in a deep breath. Catherine froze in the moment, startled by the symbolic of the gesture. Her heart sped up, pumped warm blood through her body and her cheeks, which slowly melted away her shock. Awkwardly, Catherine rose her hands, uncertain what to do with them for a while, then she did, what he was silently asking for. For the first time in almost two years, she hugged _him_. Not in the attempt to comfort him, but in a longing for closure and protection. He wanted to experience, what he had offered her through it. Normally, it was him protecting her, but this time, he was searching for her protection.

“You asked me, what if you are in love with me. I haven’t answered yet.”, he whispered quietly, enjoying the soothing feeling, which swept through him. “I would feel honoured, if you decided to give this precious affection to me. Sadly, I can’t answer, if you’re in love with me or if I’m with you, because I haven’t thought about it yet. You were right. I didn’t allow myself to think it. I dismissed the thought as soon as it appeared, because I didn’t want to find out, where it would lead to. We both agreed on declaring it as a bond of friendship, reaching towards a level of father and daughter. I’m happy with just that. Yes, Cath, I’m happy.”

Catherine closed her mouth, when he pre-empted her. She looked down at him with an expression of disbelief. He had never said it. Not once and the simple word hit Catherine in complete surprise, shattering the doubts resting inside of her.

“And I didn’t even want to give the chance of recognising it as something else. It feels like the purest, most innocent bond possibly shared between two persons and I didn’t want to risk polluting it.” Rafael turned a bit more towards her. Immediately, her hand found its way into his hair, stroking soothingly through the dark strands. Her fingertips felt soft on his scalp, causing a goose bump. How cheesy his mind had become, but it felt like a touch of grace. She leaned her cheek against the top of his head, closing her eyes. In this moment, Rafael allowed himself to go limb, to let all roles and convention subside and to be Rafael for a moment. Allowing himself to become weak, exhausted and to look for protection. “But you’re right, as you often are, my intelligent Cath. We have to give it a thought and if only to eliminate it. We can’t let the _what if_ hang above us like Damocles’ sword. I will need time to figure my answer out. I have to carefully think about, if I’m in love with you. None of us would be helped, if we rush to a conclusion. But I will promise one thing, Catherine Amell. No matter which answers we both are going to find, it won’t change something between us. You will stay precious to me and I will care for you. Nothing’s ever going to change that.”

Catherine’s head jerked away, starring down at him with a face, which did not know, what to feel. Even her heart stopped beating. Time froze in their pocket dimension, their world stopped turning. They only looked at each other. Rafael strengthening the given oath and Catherine receiving it. She knew, he was not someone to promise something carelessly. He meant it. Every single word of it. She could not even imagine, he was considering, he might be in love with her as well. _As well_. The words hammered through her auditory channels and her mind like an echo from words spoken somewhere deep inside her soul. Tears of relief streamed down from her face, when a casual thought made her realize, what she had not been able to see. She sobbed and smiled, wiping the tears out of the corners of her eyes. The truth was finally clear, laying in front of her, when the frog of shame and fear was gone. Catherine pressed a long, soft kiss against his temple, pouring all of her emotions into it.

“I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I remember, I said just at the last chapter, they won't be a couple, but Rafael and Cath decided, they want to be and I had no word in it. xD So, here you have your romance. Rafael just needs to realise it, too, but he needs to with a bang. Otherwise, he will not get out of his chosen explanation. Look forward to it ;)
> 
> I'm quite surprise, Catherine is the first to say it. Who would have thought, would be the first?
> 
> Anyway, I have no bloody clue, where this story going to lead, now. So I can't guarantee a weekly update anymore. ^^' I need to have a serious conversation with them. So, please excuse me, while I edit the tags :D 
> 
> Nice Saturday *waves* Subaru


	20. Her love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael is trying to figure out what to do after Cath's confession. His subconcious is eager to help, but it turned out not to be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, because I have a visitor this weekend, you'll get the chapter today :) Lovely Friday to you all.

Rafael felt a long-forgotten heat seeping through every fibre of his body, awakening feelings, which had been asleep for far too long. Something, he had not cared about and which had no place in his tight time schedule. Now, he was wondering, why. Why not, when it felt so exciting, yet comfortable and normal at the same time? Actually, he felt alive in a way, he never had before, when the warmth continued its way and chased away his mental numbness. Not that he had felt dead inside beforehand, but it was another, rawer and more primal way of being alive.

He longed to kiss her, to kiss everything of her, to pull her under, to dominate, to take what he longed for, but he should not. With a stranger, with someone insignificant, it would be fine being rough and raw and quick as long as the consent was there, but not here and now. Not with _her_. Not with someone that precious and delicate and fragile. He did not want to rush it. He should savour it, who knew, when or if he was ever able to feel it again. He needed to be thorough, imprinting every move, every touch, every sound and scent into his mind, for the likely event, he would never be that lucky again.

Carefully, he rested her down onto his bed like he was scared to break her. Her skin gleamed like porcelain in the crystal-clear light of the full moon shining through the window. Fragile and beautiful at the same time like one of the ancient puppets. Unreal, almost artificial. He looked down at her. Her usually bright eyes in the colour of the ocean of any Caribbean country, were hazed. Her lips were pursed in a mix of nervousness and desire. Was this really about to happen? How did they end up here? Rafael could not remember, everything was just a blur, no matter how hard he tried, although he was not caring much at this moment.

She touched his cheek gently in concern and her fingertips burned against his skin. She had sensed his hesitation. She always did. He had never been able to hide anything from her. Rafael smiled soothingly down at her, before he kissed into her palm. A soft smile spread over her peachy lips and it made his heart flutter. Carefully, he leaned down until her warm breath danced ghostly over his heated skin, making him shiver, but he could not cover the last inches separating them painfully. He needed her consent, her assurance or otherwise, he would be too afraid. It was a side of him, he had only discovered through her. A Rafael, he had not known about.

Her hand wandered slowly to the back of his head, gently tucking on his short, dark hair, the electricity sparking through every nerve of his. He shivered again, but he waited, although it felt like he was bursting under the tension. Finally, she leaned in and rested her mouth onto his. Rafael almost cheered, but instead he sighed deeply, the relief coming from the deepest corner of his body and mind. Her lips were smooth and warm, tasting like cherries. They moved carefully, deliberately against his thin ones and he reciprocated. The kiss was gentle and slow, _too slow_ , but he also did not want to speed it up. It felt like they were testing, if they both really wanted to do this, as it was a declaration of approval. It was a game of figuring the other out in a way, they had not yet. They knew everything about the other’s mind, but nothing about the body. His hands cupped both her cheeks and he pulled her closer, if this was even possible. He wanted to feel everything of her. He wanted to touch her soul, showing her just how much she meant to him. Was it possible they could melt together? And where did those thoughts come from?

Slowly, almost lazily and naturally, the kiss deepened and they shared their air with each other. The tension between them was sparkling and it was just, when she moaned for the first time, when his excitement took over. From this point, the kiss became rawer, sloppier and more passionate, teeth being used every now and again by the both of them. Every time their tongues touched, a spark sent his thoughts flying and he felt himself grow. Then, he could not stay at this one place any longer, no matter how intoxicating it was. He needed to feel and hear it all, to experience every piece of her. Rafael kissed his way over her cheek, along those high cheekbones, which made her appear younger than she was. He felt her shift under him, tilting her head to the side, exposing her weakest point to him. Rafael starred down at it, his eyes sharpening in an a raptorlike demeanour. He could almost see her heart beat fluttering under her thin skin, the very essence of her life rushing through her veins. Rafael placed his lips gently on her pulse point. She shuddered beneath him, her breath stopping in her throat and her pulse sped up, almost fluttering like a hummingbird under her skin. It filled Rafael with pride and something on a basic instinct level. He stayed at this spot, savouring it, licking on it in the foolish wish to absorb something of her essence.

She breathed out tremblingly, another shiver running down from head to toe. His name left her lips in a whispering sigh. Had his name ever sounded more beautiful? Rafael stopped for a moment as the sound of it thundered through him and he could barely hold onto his composure. He did not want to be rough and wild, but the passion rising inside of him was hard to control. When did it happen? Rafael had always been in control, always being able to stay calm and logical. But not with her, never with her. It seemed like their relations only contained _always_ and _never_.

Rafael lifted himself up over her and she sensed it. Slowly, she opened her eyes and her precious aquamarines shone brightly up at him. A fond smiled spread over her lips, a smile he had never seen before on her face. As soft as he was the most precious and loveable being on earth. And it belonged to _him_. Him of all living human beings.

She cupped the back of his head and gently pulled him down, locking their lips together. The kiss was calmer, softer than the one before, exposing the deeply shared feelings for one another. This time, it was Rafael, who moaned. His hand fell down onto her hips, rubbing lazy circles. She shivered deliciously against him again and gasped, when they dissolved. This was it. His control waved good-bye at him and disappeared. All he could do was to make sure, he stayed as gently as he possibly could. Rafael still remembered in the back of his mind he was her first violent free experience.

He continued the path of lips, he had kissed before, but this time, he went lower. He nuzzled her collarbone and kissed the swell of her breasts, until his nose touched the collar of her shirt. Rafael groaned in frustration. He wanted nothing more than to tear it off her. When had that happened? When had the cultivated Rafael Barba turned to his basic instincts? She chuckled hoarsely under him and Rafael growled, but then lifted his head. No, slowly. This here was driven out of passions, yes, but it was not sex, it was supposed to be _love making_. Wait, wait, wait! What? What had he just thought? _Love?_ Rafael shook his head again. This could not be. This _should_ not be _._

“Rafael…”, she whispered pleadingly. His fingers twitched at the hem of her shirt, longing to feel her bare skin on his, but he needed her out spoken agreement. “You’re too _slow_. Since when are you slow?”

He barked a laugh hot against her skin and buried his face into her shoulder. How much he adored her wits. The heady scent of flowers and vanilla tickled his nose. Slowly, he slid the hem of her shirt up, exposing her flat stomach. His eyes darted towards her exposed skin. He could not await to touch it, but then his eyes returned to hers.

“Are you sure?”, he whispered into the room between them, which appeared way too empty for his liking. He needed to be sure, completely sure. Rafael simply could not get rid of the prosecutor inside of him. This shall not turn into a disaster ridden out of heat and temptation. Into something they would regret the next day. His heart was pounding in his throat and he tried to swallow it. Why was she not saying something? And why was he feeling so uncertain? She looked at him with a wonderous gaze. Then she smiled, but instead of answering him, her hands wandered from the back of his head to the front of his chest, skilfully undoing the buttons of his vest. Briskly, she shoved it down his arms, rubbing them gently on the way down.

“Is that answer enough?”, she whispered coyly and licked her lips. Rafael groaned and starred hungrily down at her. Could she be any more desirable? Rafael was not sure, but decided not to care. Instead, he shrugged his silken vest of and threw it carelessly somewhere into his room. She smirked contently beneath him and lifted herself up. This time, her soft lips found their way onto his skin. Featherily soft, she kissed over his hot skin and a goosebumps spread all over his body, his lower region twitching in delight and his breath in his throat. It seemed like his body was freezing to be able to feel every bit of it. To feel the little sucking, the slight use of teeth and the apologetic licks. His heart stuttered with every caress of her and a moan carved its way from the depth of his stomachs, rumbling through every part of him. She reacted visibly, the fingers on his chest quivering and her eyes becoming hazier.

Finally, Rafael was able to refocus on his original intention. Gently, he lifted her shirt up and she immediately raised her arms so he was able to free her from this nuisance. She wore a black bra. Simple, practical, nothing extraordinary just like he had expected. Laces did not fit her. She avoided everything, which would rest the focus of attention to her. His eyes noticed the dark pink scar running down between the cups, down to the middle of her stomach. Left to it was a silver cut. He knew all of them. He had seen all of them in the files of the medical report. _131_. 131 scars through cuts of knives. 23 burns from the taser, countless numbers from cigarettes. Her body had been torn apart and broken over and over again, but it healed. Her soul, though, no one knew, how many scars it bore.

“Rafa, please.”, she pleaded and tore his gaze from her wounds. Silvery tears shone in her eyes and she cupped his cheek. “Can you stop looking at me like this? Can you stop seeing the victim in me and see me as who I am?”

Rafael’s heart stopped beating, when she easily looked through him, sensing the sadness and memories, which had started to turn the mood sad for him and it had transferred into her. The atmosphere, which had just appeared vibrant and red, slowly started to become grey. Instead all he saw was the silver of her tears. Why was he always ruining it? Why was he not able to keep his mind out of it and simply enjoy it?

“Of course, Cath.”, he whispered and leaned forward to kiss her. “I love you.”

~*~

Rafael’s eyes flew open, his breath coming raggedly, heavily and sweat ran down his face. His body was humming from electricity running through his nerves and heat sept through every corner of his body- especially one lower region. Just then, Rafael realised a suspicious wetness on one of his pillows. Had he truly dry humped his pillow? How old was he? 15?

He groaned in annoyance and rolled onto his back, resting an arm above his head. Did he really just have a sex dream? Of course, he knew it was nothing uncommon, but he had them rarely. It was not like he did not care for sex, it just had not fit in and it did not have the highest priority in his time schedule. He had his fun, when he felt like he needed to get off steam, but he never really had cared. This dream, though, it had been something else. It had not been about the superficial level of arousal. It had felt deeper and real like it was something he desired from the deepest part of his soul. It was not just about the sex, about to get off, it was about the feelings, the closeness, it was an expression of love.

Rafael groaned once again and slammed his hand into the mattress. Why on earth did he have a sex dream about Catherine? They had defined them as father and daughter, but after that dream, it was clear they were not for him. Or he would have to throw himself into jail. He preferred not to. Not once, not a single time, he had thought about her in this way. It was not even like he had been avoiding it, it just had never touched his mind.

Secretly, he was hoping they were more like father and daughter, because it was less dangerous. With how they were now, even after her confession, they could go on forever. They had found their rhythm, their way to get along. They worked perfectly and being in love would only complicate it. If he found the answer, he was in love her, their balance was in danger. What if they did not work as a couple? She could be hurt. Even more so than in her hell. She could break. She could die and he could lose her over it. She could crumble into sand and ran through his fingers. That was something, he never wanted to experience. That was why he secretly prayed, although she had said, she loved him, his answer would turn out to be no. It would hurt her less. Oh, how selfish and afraid he was. He would rather stick to the Status Quo than taking a little risk. When had he turned into this?

Rafael turned his head towards the window and looked at the full moon shining gracefully into the room just like it had been in his dream.

Actually, Rafael was surprised, he had found any sleep. Just a few hours ago, Catherine had confessed she loved him. It had come suddenly, unexpected for him, although they had been speaking about it. She had just been so insecure and suddenly, she had said it like it was the most natural, certain thing in the world, while she had cried happy tears. She had looked _whole_ in this moment, like she had been restored out of the fragments of her soul, finally having found the missing puzzle piece. She had looked beautiful, almost ethereal.

Catherine had not given him any chance to react, though. Before he was even able to realise, what she had said, she had given him a good night kiss against his temple and said he needed time to think and he should not feel forced into anything. Then, she had retreated for her room, while Rafael looked stunned after her, overwhelmed by those three, powerful words, which contained an entire world.

Was it her confession, which had opened a door, he had carefully locked a part of himself behind? A door, he had not even been aware of? He felt uneasy, when he even tried to think, if he was in love with her, but there was no way around it anymore. He had to think about it.

Slowly, Rafael sat up and took the filled water glass on his bedside table to drink several deep sips. The cool liquid felt soothing against the heat, which was still running through him. Then, he took a hanky to wipe the sweat from his forehead and put it back down on the table. Tiredly, he scrapped his fingers through his hair and fell back down on his bed, throwing the polluted pillow out of it. It landed with a soft thud on the unholy floor. The trouser was a bit more difficult. When he finally did that task, he creased up the trouser and threw it towards the clothes basked- and missed. Well, fortunately he was not aiming for a Basketball career. Rafael rested back down on the bed and pulled the blanket up. At least, it was warm enough to sleep without trousers.

When he was just about to start thinking, there was a quiet knock on the door. Rafael frowned and turned his head to the door.

“Rafa, are you alright?”, Catherine asked through it. “I heard you groaning. Are you in pain?”

He huffed a little sigh and smiled slightly. Of course, she had heard it. Every since he was released from hospital, Catherine was sleeping with an open door so she was able to hear, if something was wrong.

“No, Cath, I’m fine.”, he assured with a strong voice and he was very glad that the tremble of his shaky breath had died just like his erection. She really should not hear or see, what had happened before. Not before he had been able to figure the meaning of it out. It would only cause harm, which was unnecessary. “Just a weird dream. Go back to bed.”

“Listen, Rafa.” She hesitated on the other side of the door, likely valuing, if she should come in or give him the space, he needed. The door must feel like a grand border between them and maybe, the stubborn insecurities slowly try to come back up. “If it has something to do with what I said…”

 “No, it hasn’t.” Well, not entirely. “Don’t worry.”

“Don’t worry normally means, you should be.” Rafael chuckled quietly and his smile became broader.

“You’re right, but not tonight.” He pulled the blanket up and lifted himself on his lower arms. “Do you want to come in and convince yourself?”

Otherwise, she would never stop worrying. Rafael knew her. He saw, how she slightly turned the door knob, but then she hesitated for a brief moment, before finally opening. Slowly, she came in, her hands crossed over her chest. She did not appear insecure, well not in the way she normally was. Coming to terms with her emotion appeared to have granted her more peace and self-confidence. It felt more like she was not sure, how to behave without overwhelming him. Rafael felt relieved, because it could have turned out the complete opposite. Her confession could have scared her off afterwards and made her run away.

“See? All good.” He waved his hands cheerfully and completely over the top. Catherine stopped, blinking irritated at him, but then huffed a relieved laugh.

“So, it seems.” Catherine looked back and smiled, her brown hair shining silvery in the light of the moon. She stroked one strand behind her ear, before she covered the last few steps between them. As soon as she stood next to him, Rafael reached out and cupped her cheek, gently stroking over it with his thumb. Catherine startled for a moment in surprise and then smiled, relieved that nothing had changed. She covered his hand with hers and leaned her head into his palm. The expression on her face was full of longing and happiness. In this moment, Rafael’s heart spluttered. No one had ever looked at him like that.

“Convinced?”, he asked softly after some wonderful moments and looked back up at her.

“Okay, you’re out.” She chuckled light-heartedly and dissolved. Her blue eyes glistened brightly as she looked down on him. Rafael laughed along with her, then he gently pulled her a little closer and kissed her forehead.

“Good night, Cath.”, he whispered softly with a tone, which had not changed at all. It truly appeared like nothing would change. No matter what they would figure out. Catherine opened her eyes, smiling softly.

“Good night, Rafa.” But she did not turn away to leave. Instead her eyes lingered on his as if she was waiting for something. After another minute, Rafael frowned.

“Do you want me to say something about your confession?”, he asked calmly and tilted his head. “Or do you want to add something?”

“No.”, she answered immediately. “It was a pretty big revelation for you and you'll need time to think about it. You should only say something if you want to. I won’t say it again until you have made your decision, because you should not feel pressured. It's up to your pace now. I will give you as much time as you need. I want to treat it respectfully.”

It always amazed Rafael how considerate she was. Most people would have awaited an immediate reaction, because this state right after the confession was the most vulnerable and they could not endure it. They needed a confirmation or rejection. Catherine, though, knew it was a game for two and it was not just about her. He was just as much involved as her and she did not want to overwhelm him. She wanted to give him the time he needed to asses it. “To be honest, the realization has hit me completely unexpected. I myself need some time to order my thoughts.” She smiled and shrugged, but it did not appear like she was doubting her words. It looked rather like she wanted to figure out, what it means how to go on from now on.

“Thanks, Cath.”, he whispered softly and he looked up with gratefulness. He would need time to find his answer. He needed and wanted to be sure, before he gave it to her. Otherwise, he would hurt her and therefore him.

“No worry. Well, then, sleep well.” She smiled once again, then turned around and left, the door quietly falling shut. Rafael looked after him for a moment and then he rolled back onto his back. Okay, time to figure it out. But how did you do that? He was not good in such things. Laws were defined with mostly strict criterion. If special conditions were fulfilled, then it was that crime- not always perfect, but unmistakable. Easy. But love. Rafael sighed and rubbed his eyebrows in frustration. That was something else entirely. Was there a checklist for love? He did not want to screw it up. What if he…

Rafael stopped his train of thoughts and laughed at him. Could it be he was just having the same doubts, Catherine had had a few hours ago? Oh geez, what he had gotten himself into? When had he become that rusty in those belongings? He shook his head and sank deeper into the pillow, massaging his temples with the ball of his hands. Focus, Rafael.

Okay, so what did they say in those stupid rom-coms or magazines? Was he caring for her? Yes. Was he thinking constantly about her? Well, he did often, yes. Did he enjoy spending time with her? Another yes on the checklist. Was he able to be himself with her? Yes, he was. Did he feel comfortable with her? He did. Was his hear beating faster? Did he get nervous around her? Did he blush around her? Hell no, he was not a teenager anymore.

But that should appeal for friends as well? Was the only thin line separating love and friendship the sexual component? Could he imagine kissing Catherine? Well, he had often kissed her on the cheek, forehead or temple. There was not much more to a _real_ kiss. And sex? Rafael closed his eyes and tried to imagine it, but his head immediately blocked it. It was like a big, bold red cross appeared, which said restricted area, but his dream showed clearly, he was able to imagine it. Pretty lively and effectively. Maybe his conscious was refusing to allow these thoughts, because he was still hoping them not to be? Or was he simply afraid to acknowledge the feeling?

Once again, Rafael groaned in frustration. Why was it that complicated? His cases had showed him how thin and fragile the border could be, but he always had been able to make up his mind. The cases might had been difficult, but to find his opinion not. How could it be that everything was easy and yet complicated with her? How had she been able to figure it out so suddenly?

Slowly, he got the impression, he would not get any further with his sharp mind. It felt like he was looking too clinical at it and it would not do her justice. It was not a matter of pro and contra. It was a matter of emotions. Maybe he should listen to his heart. Something he truly sucked in. Probably the reason why he put himself under pressure. He was not allowed to be wrong, because he did not want to hurt her. He wanted her best.

Once again, he closed his eyes and tried to feel, what was inside of him. When he thought of Catherine, he felt warmth spreading from the centre of his stomach. He felt affection and tenderness. When she was in his arms, it felt like this was the place, where they both belonged. It was natural, it felt good, it was _right_. Rafael did not believe in destiny, but at times it was hard not believe, they were destined for one another. Liv was his best friend, his soul friend, but Cath… what was Catherine? His soul daughter? No. The description did not feel right.

Deeper and deeper he dove into the ocean of his emotions. Further and further to a part, where he had never willingly looked into. Catherine had said, he felt like home to her. The word did no leave his mind. Home must be such a big word for her. Her original home had been lifeless, her second home had been heaven, her third had been hell and her fourth a sanctuary and hide out. Home had always been extreme for her, but none had been a real home. Therefore, the meaning must be so much bigger for her. A place, a person with whom she felt comfortable and safe. Whom she trusted. No, stop it. It was not about finding out Catherine’s motivation. It was about his.

Rafael sighed and opened his eyes again, but then turned to the side to look out of his window. He did, too, to a degree. He had given her his keys after all and it felt nice to have someone- no, he corrected himself- to have her in his house. Mostly, he appreciated his privacy, but it was nice with her and actually, it was nice, how much she cared for him. She had never asked for anything except the phone call at Christmas. She had never tried to gain profit out of him. Something that was rare, when even his oldest and best friend willingly sold him off. He could trust her. She would rather get herself hurt than to betray him. And she trusted him. After everything done to her, she had decided he was the one worthy of her trust. The one her heart had decided to fall in _love_ with.

His heart stopped beating or a moment and he closed his eyes again, resting his hand on his chest. The word felt powerful, almost almighty in the regard to her, because for her and with her it meant so much more than a summer fling. A relation of extreme. All or nothing. Their lives left no space in between.

Rafael wondered, why she loved him. Well, she had said why and he believed her to tell the truth, but he was 55 and Catherine twenty years younger than him. That was a fifth of a century.  
When she was born, he had just started law school at Harvard. How was he supposed to not feel old?

He knew it was not that uncommon, but it should not be that way. What did she see in him? He was an old, burned out lawyer, who just had a sex dream about a way younger woman he had thought to be his daughter. Great. He snorted disapprovingly. Had he turned into Kevin Spacey in American Beauty? At least, she had not been lying in a bed of rose petals. Okay, wait, wait, stop! Now, it was truly turning weird. Was he just heading straight way to midlife crisis? All those thoughts of doubts, looking at the life past him, restructuring his priorities, spoke for one, but that would make the potential interest in Catherine nothing more than proof to himself. Was he just using her to make a point, he was still masculine? He had thought of himself better.

He felt nervousness rising inside of her. By God, he was turning into a teenager the longer he thought about it. Was that not a clue, he was being in love with her?

Likely, he would not find his answer tonight. If he was honest, he was too messed up to and Catherine said, he would have as much time as he wanted to. He did not need to find an answer tonight. There was no deadline. It was not a deal being up for a defined amount of time. Okay and he should definitely stop thinking about them maybe coming together as a deal. Maybe, it was time to sleep. No one made good decisions after 2AM and now, it was almost 4AM. Maybe he should do, what Catherine did. He should tell her. Even about the dream. He had promised her always be honest and he would not let her down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe, no worry, that was not the only explicit part that's gonna take place. We'll just need a bit more time. 
> 
> The next chapter isn't so easy to write for me yet. I'm not sure, if I like it. So I can't say, when I'm going to upload it. Stay tuned :)
> 
> Have a great weekend, Subaru.


	21. Nothing is like in the movies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael finally admits his feelings for Catherine, but it does not go as smoothly as expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we finally are :) Have fun with the chapter.

Catherine was already awake, when Rafael entered his living room several hours later. She scrambled around the kitchen, whisking through a bowl, which likely contained the dough for her pancakes. Rafael heaved himself onto the couch with a sigh. How much he hated being handicapped. Even such a little thing as sitting down was not easy anymore. When he had placed the crutches against the arm rest, his eyes wandered outside. The sun shone brightly through the glass, blinding him as if he had hangover. Rafael slumped back into his couch. He was used to less sleep, but he never liked it and he tended to become mean on sleep withdrawal.

Catherine appeared to be in a better shape than he. Her open hair flew around her shoulders, when she danced around his kitchen, while humming a little, light hearted melody. Her hair shone in a warm chocolate tone in the morning sun and her eyes competed with the ocean for the brightest blue. He had never seen her like this. In this very moment, she was a symbol of vitality. Her aura was bright, warm and soothing. It felt almost cleansing as if nothing evil could withstand it. It was like a warm blanket, in which he wanted to cover himself and to close his eyes. He felt comfortable in her presence, almost guarded. Was this what realising her feelings for him had done to her, he wondered. In this moment, she was, how she was supposed to be without her abduction. She appeared happy, almost free, as if her chains had finally fallen of her and she could be the person she actually was. Free of her trauma, free of her past. It was as if the sun made her shine in a new light. Rafael noticed for the first time how beautiful she was. He had never seen her like this, actually he had not even seen her as a woman. She had been his daughter through all this time, but it appeared like his dream had made him see other aspects of her. Maybe, his dream had had its purpose. Maybe his subconscious had tried to open up the chains of his own stubborn mind. Maybe he had got obsessed with their relation being the one of a father and daughter and therefore, he had been blind to the truth.

“Good morning.”, Catherine fluted from the kitchen, her voice bright and cheerful. Rafael frowned slightly instead. It was her fangirl tone, which was defined by being over the top and Rafael started to wonder, if she might just had decided to wear another kind of mask in order to not worry him. No, it was not. She did not appear insecure or afraid like appeared. She appeared to be at peace and the way she smiled at him could not be a disguise. It was fond and loving just as much as she had looked at him in his dream. As if he was the most precious thing in the world and suddenly, there was a plumb in his throat he tried to swallow, because he had absolutely no idea how to handle this affection.

“Good morning, Cath.”, he said softly, when he finally was able to calm down his fast beating heart.

“Are you hungry?” How could a voice sound so warm and caring? It tucked a smile out of him and he looked up at her, the feeling of overwhelm disappearing and her own inner peace transported into him. It seemed like their role had switched this time. What Rafael had been for Catherine, she was for him now. A source of calmness, when he was not able to understand himself. Or was he afraid to understand, what his mind was trying to say. Because if he was truly honest, ever since she had confessed her love to him, it truly felt like something being asleep for long was slowly awakening.

“I am, but I would rather speak with you beforehand, if this is alright.” Catherine frowned and stopped in her movement. She likely had not expected him to talk about it so soon, that was why she had acted all normal. She had wanted to show him again she did not want to rush him. If he was not ready to talk, he did not have to. Rafael adored her for her compassion. For her, others always came first. She would willingly endure any pain in order to save others. But being a martyr was dangerous and although she appeared to be stronger now, he did not want to prolong her suffering.

“Yes, of course.”, she said a bit too quickly, then turned off the stove and quickly wiped her hands clean on the apron she was wearing over her floral skirt and black tanktop. Then, she took the apron off and hang it over the chair. She sat down next to him, their knees almost touching each other. Had they always been that close, when they were sitting together?

“It was mean to give me no chance to answer to your confession.”, Rafael whispered softly. He rose his hand and gently cradled her cheek. He loved doing this. To feel her smooth, warm skin under his fingers. It gave him as much the feeling of fondness and security as it did for her. It was not a gesture, which was easily given. It was intimate and yet innocent at the same time. Catherine smiled warmly and Rafael liked, how much more self-confident she had become. Just a few ago, this sentence would have made her apologise immediately, but it appeared, she was slowly accepting herself and stayed with what she said. She would not try everything to please others, but she would still try everything to save others.

“I didn’t want you to feel forced to say anything. I knew, you’d need time to make up your mind.”, Catherine answered with a firm voice, not a single sign of doubt making it shiver. Obviously, she had not changed her mind during the night and she did not appear to regret saying it. She covered his hand with hers and Rafael could not prevent to notice how opposite they were- not just in character. Her hand was quite smaller than his, her fingers even more filigree and her pale skin stood out against his brown one. “Was it wrong?”

“No, it wasn’t.”, he admitted. “It was actually way too kind of you, but to be honest, I still don’t have an answer.”

Rafael looked at her almost guiltily, but Catherine still smiled and shook her head.

“That’s okay, Rafa.”, she declared and took his hand in hers, her thumb gently rubbing over his. “I don’t expect you to, not now or ever. What you said yesterday also goes for me. No matter what you decide, it’s not going to change a thing. My love is not tied to the condition that you love me back. I’m happy with just the way we are.”

He was surprised. It was definitely an answer he had not expected, although it fitted to her. She would never be that egoistic to await something. Catherine would always be a person, who was content with what was given to her. That was a characteristic, which had been forged in her hell, but also in the time before. It had always been others priorities, which came first. Her parents, her brother, her grandparents and her rapists. She would never reach for more. How to look after herself was something Rafael had wanted to teach her, but maybe, it was just against her nature.

For a moment, he looked at their joined hands and felt the warmth, which spread from it. He liked it, that feeling. It was like his heart was becoming lighter, as if a weight was dropping off, but he still did not want to walk through the newly opened door in his mind. He had the feeling something was lurking behind it, which was as dark as fear. Or maybe it was fear, but he had no idea of what.

“So…”, he hesitated and licked his lips, which felt dry. Was it nervousness, which made his stomach twist? He was not able to recognise himself. He was no one having difficulties to say things no matter if they were difficult and unpleasant, but now, he was falling over them. It was ridiculous. As long as he was focusing on Catherine and him, he was calm, but when he shifted back to him, there was something inside of him warning him not to look any further. But why? Rafael felt torn. On the one hand his subconscious screamed to finally look and accept, what he knew for much longer than he believed himself and on the other hand a part of him tried everything to prevent it. He was used to be insecure, to work and be faced with grey, but he had always been secure and stable about himself.

“What do you want to say? We can talk about everything.” Catherine must have sensed the storm of thoughts and feelings inside of him, because she squeezed his hand and made him look up with it. Her eyes shone softly, compassionately as if he could not do something wrong. “No need to be afraid. We’ve both proven times and times again that whenever we said, what we feared the most, the other understood. We have the perfect empathy for each other. I’m sure, no matter what it is, we can work it out.”

Rafael widened his eyes in surprise, but Catherine gaze did not waver. She believed it. In this very moment, Catherine had accepted and embraced the strength and brave within herself, which she had to hide in order to survive and which her trauma had denied her to see. Rafael huffed and then smiled. She was right. Whenever one of them had been afraid to reveal something, the other had been able to understand. Their way of communication was unique.

“You haven’t realised, what you said, was a mistake?” Catherine blinked and sat herself back down on her heel. Her eyes scanned his, her oceanic eyes becoming deep, revealing the entire depth of her soul and maybe even of her emotions. She looked as old and as wise as the ocean resting behind his terrace. Then she sighed and looked at him as if he had said something absurd.

“No, I haven’t.”, she declined softly. “I didn’t just blurt it out, Rafael. I wouldn’t do this to any of us.”

Rafael nodded. He was kind of relieved and yet he was disappointed. Another indication of the conflict taking place in the depth of his soul, from which he only noticed the extension. Just like the shore only noticed the biggest waves of a storm.  

“No, you wouldn’t.”, he admitted softly and smiled. He looked up at her and saw himself once again confronted with a gaze shining with admiration and love and its force truly was hard to withstand. Her emotions felt warm, honest, real. There was no doubt she had found herself, but now, it was Rafael, who started to doubt. He should be happy about it, but he slowly began to fear, she soon would not need him anymore. His purpose had been to help her to heal and she had. She had left behind the chains of her past and had unlocked her potential. Was that not, what it had been about? That she was able to get rid of her dependency and be well enough to become a healthy individual? Why was he feeling sad about it? Was he afraid, she would leave sooner or later and would leave him behind? That there was nothing left, that would keep her by his side? Maybe, he had been as dependent on her as she had been on him and his purpose had not made him see it. His heart clenched in disgust at this thought. Would he really want to hold her back, because he would be left alone otherwise? Would he prevent her to step into the light, just because he would stay behind in the darkness?

It appeared like they truly had switched the roles from yesterday and they had almost the same conversation again. This time, it was Catherine, who stayed calm and objectively and he had to face a side of him, he had not known. How was this conversation going to end? Would he come to the same conclusion she had gained, when he would accept the part of him, which had been locked behind this door? Was this what had happened to her yesterday? She had been so insecure at first and suddenly, she had changed and had become confident in the same amount.

“How did you find out?”, he asked almost desperately, because he needed to know, he needed to understand. Otherwise he felt like would never been able to do it on his own and he had to for his own, inner peace. He did not like the state he was currently in. “You seemed to be as confused as I feel right now and then, suddenly, it was the most natural thing of the world.”

Catherine blinked a few times likely trying to think on how to put it in words. Her fingers twitched around his hand and Rafael could not help to notice, how right her hand felt in his, how natural it was to feel her in general. Like it belonged there. Like he…belonged to her? Rafael blinked at that thought, which appeared suddenly from somewhere deep inside of him.

“ _I would have never guessed,_ t _hat he would even consider to be in love with me as well_ , that’s, what I thought yesterday. That was, when I understood.”

“ _As well_ …”, Rafael repeated in astonishment and then he almost laughed, because that truly was not, what he had expected. Nothing that small and insignificant, but maybe that was the reason, why it had been that powerful to make her understand. The small things often were the most revealing ones. An unthoughtful choice of words could reveal so much more than ever expected. All this time she had been trying to figure it out and then such a little thought revealed it all to her.

Catherine nodded and smiled. The grip around his hand became tighter and warmer.

“It was not a thought consciously made. It was one coming from the depth of my soul, where the truth hides. In this very moment, the scales fall from my eyes and the missing puzzle piece found its place. It was then, when I realised, it was the most natural thing, because this is, who I am. These feelings are a part of me. They’re nothing I should be afraid of or try to deny. As long as I do, I would deny myself and it was no wonder, I wasn’t one with myself. I realised, I would harm us more, when I try to keep this part of me locked away. I’m in love with you, Rafael. That’s a part of me.”

“Cath…”, Rafael whispered. His eyes flew back up to her and the expression of her eyes had not changed. They still shimmered as softly and lovingly at him as they did before. This time, she rose her hand and cupped his cheek, her fingers brushing gently over his skin. Rafael closed his eyes and pressed his cheek into her hand, trying to gather hold. Now, he had to face the part of him, which he had kept locked away. The self-doubts of his, which he hid from his conscious in order to survive and achieve, what he had wanted, were the first harbingers of what was hidden. “But why me?”

A single tear rolled out of his eye and down his cheek, when his voice broke and the vulnerable side of him broke free. Catherine’s hand immediately reached up and wiped it away. The sob, which left Rafael’s throat, sounded foreign to him. As if it was not his.

“You’re the best, that has ever happened to me, Rafa.”, she said with a voice of honesty and Rafael’s heart stopped beating for moment. Catherine still smiled, but it flickered from her emotions. “You’ve always been there for me. Whenever I felt like I couldn’t endure my trauma, fear and sadness anymore, when it felt like my own darkness was swallowing me, you were there. When I fall down, you helped me to get up again. With you, I was allowed to be weak, to show my fear, to cry and to talk about whatever was troubling me. You always knew, what to say to help me. You carefully took off my mask and accepted the scared, insecure and crying little girl underneath it and gave it, what it had craved for her entire life.”

Rafael’s lips were on hers, before he even realised it. Catherine widened her eyes in surprise just like he did, but she did not pull away and Rafael did not either. To his surprise it did not feel much different to every other kiss they had given each other and yet so completely different. Her lips were soft, sweet and intoxicating. Even if he wanted to pull away, what he probably should, because he had not thought it through, he could not. Unlike in his dream, her real lips tasted after vanilla and it felt so much better than his mind could have ever imagined. The kiss was innocent, almost shy, nothing more than a touch of their lips just like their relation had been. None of them moved, silently waiting for the other’s consent, showing the respectful aspect of them, but even this little touch felt right, perfect. Maybe there were no fireworks or sparks, or an imaginary orchestra playing a cheesy music, but it was better like that: slowly, tenderly, not a kiss out of passion.

His eyes fell close and he gave in to the moment and his emotions. For the first time in forever his thoughts stayed locked in the present. His mind stopped building up several scenarios and outcomes. All he focused on was how her lips tasted against his, how it appeared like they were crafted for him and the way his heart drummed underneath his skin.

It was not Rafael’s first kiss, not even the first out of love, but this one went deeper, touched more of his soul than anyone ever had before. Finally, the door in his mind flew open. He stepped through it without hesitation, leaving all his doubts behind and to his surprise, there was light behind it. Rafael allowed it to seep through him. It embraced him, spread through him, filling fibre of him with love and warmth. It felt just like Catherine. Warm, kind, compassionate and caring. It was perfect and he wished to feel more of it, if this was even possible.

Slowly, carefully, Rafael cupped her cheek and pulled her closer, deepening the kiss. He heard her sigh quietly and it made his heart flutter like a bird. Catherine’s hand found its way into his hair, gently cradling the back of his head and stroking through his thick strands. Rafael felt tears of happiness leaking from his eyes and rolling down his cheek again. This was it. This was, what he had always wanted and wished for, but had been too afraid to think about. His heart beat faster with every slight movement of her lips against his and Rafael suddenly had no idea, why he had hesitated all along. In this moment, it felt like coming home, like finally doing the right thing and yet he was as excited as a teenager. She made him feel so much he had long forgotten about. She was perfect and by God, he was _in love_ with her.

Rafael sighed in pit, when Catherine pulled away, ending the kiss way too soon for his liking. They were breathing heard, both taken by surprise with Rafael’s spontaneous kiss. Both looked down for a second, smiling embarrassed and laughing nervously, because they were both uncertain about what happened, a little blush creeping on both their cheeks.

“Rafael, what was…?”, Catherine asked confused and laughed nervously, but Rafael interrupted her question with another kiss. This one was shorter and more determined than before. He just could not help himself. Now, after taking the big step of admitting to love her, he could not get enough of it. When Rafael dissolved, he could see her blush deepening. Gently, he pulled her close and cradled her head. He was happy it had turned out like this. He was aware it could have happened that even a kiss could have reopened old scars of hers. He knew from her testimony that her rapist had forced her to kiss them too, to offer them an illusion of a relationship.

“I love you, Catherine.”, he whispered softly and yet powerful, his voice unshaken. “I’m sorry for making you wait.”

Catherine widened her eyes in surprise as if she could not believe, what he said, although his action had proven it already. Then she laughed shyly and hid her eyes behind a loose strand of her hazelnut brown hair, her cheeks burning bright red.

Rafael reached out and stroked the strand behind her ear, gently cupping her chin and lifting her head. Catherine slowly rose her eyes. Her expression showed she had not realised it yet. She likely had accepted to always live with unrequited love.

“So, do you want to be in a relationship with me?”, Rafael asked, his fingers gently stroking over her temples. Catherine hummed happily, leaning into his touch and the fingers of their joined hands laced into each other as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

“Isn’t the answer obvious?”, Catherine replied and tilted her head, her eyes shining curiously.

“Not necessarily.” Rafael shrugged and tried to sound as casually as possible, but his voice betrayed him a little. “Just because we are in love it doesn’t have to mean we want to have a relationship.”

Catherine frowned and blinked in confusion, trying to understand, what he meant. Rafael sighed and suddenly the atmosphere of endorphins had disappeared. Just few moments ago, they had both been excited, but reality was not like in the movies and especially not in concerns about love. It painted a distorted picture of positivity, which could never be achieved.

“It could be, that we both decide it’s better not to in order to preserve, what we have.” Oh God, why did he have to bring it up? He did not want to. He _wanted_ to be in relationship with her. He longed to kiss her, to held her in his arms, but what they had was precious and he still was afraid, they could lose it, if they screwed it up.

“Rafael…”, she asked cautiously, her eyes looking at him with the gaze he was not able to hide anything from. “What is it really about? Aren’t you happy we feel the same for each other?”

“I am.”, he said quietly, faster than his mind realised and he lowered his eyes. He was incredibly happy, but that highlighted his concern even the more. “I haven’t been this happy in a very long time, Cath. You were and are exactly, what I need. I wish for nothing more than for you to say yes, but you need to be sure, for both our sakes, that you’re not…mistaking kindness for love.”

Catherine frowned, surprised and a little scared about his response. She thought, now that they both had admitted their feelings, they would be happy, but he was not. She thought he would take her in his arms and kiss her and everything would be fine. Wonderful, even, but he was not. She took a deep breath and spoke softly, her fear seeping slightly into her voice:

“What do you mean, Rafa?” Rafael winced as he heard the slight whimper in her voice. He caressed her cheek with his thumb, and took her hand in his. He looked down for a second, then back into her eyes. Her eyes pleaded at him. He really did not want to say his next part, but knew that he had to, if only to protect her from making a mistake that would hurt her even more.

 “I love you Cath, but you hadn’t had a relationship with anyone, before you came here and afterwards…this cruelty had been done to you, which were nothing but a brutal try to create an illusion of love. Therefore, it could be you believe kindness to be love. You’d fallen for Nathan, because he made you feel normal. I need to know, if you’re loving me or the feeling that someone cares for you.”

He looked down again, his eyes brimming with tears, and his other thumb caressed the back of her hand.

“I don’t have much experience in love either and the few I have is painful. I couldn’t bear it if you woke up one morning and realised you made a mistake. I- I couldn’t…”

Now, he stood in front of her with bare and naked soul, showing his vulnerability openly to her and his voice trembled. He cupped her cheek sadly and his eyes showed the pain of unrequited love and that expression tore her apart. He could see it in her eyes.

“Rafael… I…” She did not know, what to say. This was not, how any of them had expected it to take place.

“I know you, Cath.” Rafael sighed and smiled sadly, almost choking on his tears. “I know you better than you do. If it did happen, I know you wouldn’t tell me, because you wouldn’t want to hurt me. But I can’t stand the thought of the pain you would cause yourself if that happened. I promised I would protect you, even if I have to from myself.”

“Rafael, stop!”, Catherine almost screamed and she looked at him as if her soul had shattered. Rafael flinched and his mouth fall shut. Tremblingly, she reached out and cupped his face and Rafael was too weak to withstand. He should pull away, but he could not. The feeling of being touched by her- physically and mentally-, felt too good. “Please stop.”

Her voice trembled and tears ran down her cheek, which she wiped away quickly with her arm. Rafael looked at her as painfully as she did. Why was she hesitating? Why was she not answering his plea? Rafael felt an oppressive feeling running up his spine. This was not right. This was not how it was supposed to be. Were there always be more obstacles for them? Were they both humans, who did not deserve to be happy? He was such an idiot. He should not have expressed his doubts, but he did not want any of them to be hurt and if he had not, they both would be. Better get it over and done now, so the hurting was done and their healing could start. And yet, he wanted to be with her. Now, that he was finally able to see clear, it was all he wanted. She was right there. He could have her. All he had to do was to reach out, but he could not. Why was he so afraid? Was it because she was precious and important to him and he just wanted to make it right?

“Don’t make the second step before the first.” She cupped his cheek and even this little touch contained a plea, which burned into his skin. “We’ve figured everything out until now. Can’t we approach the problem, when it appears? Can’t we both stop overthinking things and simply enjoy, what we have found?”

Her hand trembled on his cheek and she bit her bottom lip. Her eyes, which had been full of life at the beginning of the morning, pleaded at him and Rafael could almost not endure it. He had promised himself to do everything so that she never had to have this expression her eyes. This shimmer of overwhelm, of falling apart shone in them. His heart ached. Just one day she had been able to keep her new found strength and then he had shattered, although he had wanted to protect her. Well done, Rafael.

“Catherine…”

“Rafael, I can’t promise you that none of us will be hurt. We’re likely going to be. I mean, my trauma won’t make it easy for both of us on this new level of relation. But I can promise you, I’m being honest, now. I know how ponderous and far-reaching those words are. I would never blurt it out without a thought. _I love you_ , Rafael.” She sniffed and a tear ran down her cheek. She was honest. Every word she said, every pronunciation showed it, but something inside of him did not want to believe it. She pulled their entwined hands up and rested his fingertips on her chest to mimic the gesture he once had done. His eyes widened in surprise, when he felt the fast allegro of her heart beats underneath her shirt. It was a desperate try to prove of how earnest she was with this matter.

“I’m sorry, Cath.”, he whispered with a lowered head and he played with her fingers of her hand. It seemed like their hands did not want to let each other go. As if it was the only thing making sure, they would not drift apart and to reminded them, what they actually wanted. “It seemed like my own experiences are haunting me more than I believed.”

“You talked about Yelina?”, Catherine asked and she made an awkward face as if the name tasted bitter. Rafael nodded, but he still did not look into her eyes. He had never felt like this. This bare, this naked, this vulnerable and it overwhelmed. Catherine had said, he had taken off her mask. It seemed like she was about to take his and that was probably, what scared him. No one, not even his mother or abuelita, had ever seen all of him. Not since he was like six. “You were in love with her?”

“Ever since we got to know her in tenth grade. She was smart, beautiful and charismatic. Everything I like. We got along quite well from the beginning and it felt like we were on the same eye level. I was head over heels in love with her and would have done everything for her.” Rafael did not want to, but he smiled melancholically.

“What happened?”

“We…uhm…” He licked his lips nervously and his fingers twitched. It was painful to put it in words. “We had a little summer fling. Nothing too serious. Actually, I believe I saw more in it than her. Nonetheless, one day I had gathered all of my brave to confess my love to her and when I did…she only blinked at me and her face fall. She said, she already was in a relation with Alex.”

“I’m so sorry, Rafa.”, she whispered and her eyes shone genuinely. Just like back then, when he had been in her flat and he talked about Alex’s case, she slid closer and hugged him. Gently, she pressed his head onto her shoulder and held him close. Rafael felt, how his body started to shiver, when her warmth embraced him and gave him once again, what he had wished for without knowing. He felt the pain roaring inside of him after finally being set free. He sniffed and buried his head into her shoulder and she stroked soothingly through his hair. It was weird, how he was mourning a love he never had in the arms of the one he might get. He probably should not, but her compassion was feeling too well.

When Catherine pressed a long, soft kiss against his head, he lost it. It was too warm, too compassionate and too kind for him to keep himself together. He cried over the old scars on his heart and the pain, which he had also kept away. And he was truly crying, ugly crying, while Catherine simply held him.

When the pain had run out of Rafael felt drained, empty, exhausted and yet light. The old burden was gone, the last chain fallen to the ground. He was fee just like Catherine. Slowly, he lifted his head off her shoulder. Catherine already had a hanky in her hand and gave it to him. He huffed an embarrassed laugh and cleaned his nose. He must look incredibly sexy right now.

He should apologise to her. Yes, he should. He had imagined quite a lot of ways, how this morning could have turned out, but he had expected none of this. He had not expected to realise he was in love with her, to kiss her or that he would cry because of Yelina in her arms. How must it feel like for her? Rafael’s eyes found hers and he opened his mouth to say something, he had not quite figured out yet, but Catherine was faster. Before he was even able to take a breath to speak, she leaned in and kissed him. This time, it was magic. It felt like Catherine poured everything she felt and everything she was into the tender caress of their lips and it made Rafael almost burst into tears again, but this time those of affection and happiness. The feeling she offered him was soft, warm and wonderful, almost too much to endure. He was not used to the amount of happiness spreading from their lips and his heart. Therefore, he did not hesitate, when Catherine silently asked for the kiss to grow deeper, every thought wiped from his mind and by the sensation of her lips moving against each other. No doubt, Catherine tasted sweet and innocent as vanilla.

This time it was Rafael, who needed to pull away in desperate need for air, although he did not want to. They both opened their eyes in the very moments, blue meeting brown like the ocean met the earth, both creating life together and on their own. In this moment, the cynical Rafael wondered, if destiny existed and they were made for each other, because this here felt too strong to be created out of coincidences. Just little shifts in the past and fate like choosing a different city or another day to visit Santa Monica Pier and they both would not have met and therefore had not healed through the other.

“Don’t you dare to apologise for letting it out.”, Catherine whispered warmly, while gently stroking next to his lips. “I cried over Nathan in your arms. We’re even.”

Rafael looked at her in surprise, then laughed genuinely.

“You knew…”

“Of course.“ She smiled gleefully, almost a little too bright. Rafael had the feeling he needed to cover his eyes. “I know and love you, Rafa.”

“You do, don’t you?” Rafael huffed and ruffled through his hair. It was still hard to believe. It felt unreal more like a dream to him. “So, you really wanna do this?”

“That sounds more like I’m about to do base jumping instead of entering a relationship.” Catherine giggled her bright, clear laugh.

“It’s both about taking quite a risk.”, Rafael replied and the corners of his mouth twitched into a small, still a little broken smile.

“That’s true.” Catherine tilted her head and her smile grew softer. “Yes, Rafael. I want to be with you. _Only you_. The question is: do you? We both know, it’s likely never going to be easy or a normal relationship. I’ll have quite a lot of flashbacks. Are you sure, you’re up for all this drama?”

Rafael looked at her and saw the corners of her mouths twitching. Gently, he stroked a bang out of her eyes and leaned forward to kiss her forehead.

“Ever since I realised, what I feel for you, I long for nothing more. I just needed to be sure, you do, too. I really couldn’t endure to lose you, Cath.” Rafael smiled warmly at her. “And don’t worry about the intimacy. That’s up to your pace. You haven’t pressured me and I won’t you.”

She blinked several times, amazed he had seen, what she was referring to, but she finally admitted, they just knew each other.

“So, we’re a couple, now?” Catherine pronounced the word _couple_ strangely as if it was weird to speak it out. They had been in this in between for quite a long time, actually they had always been. It would probably take some time until normal couple stuff would feel normal to them.

“We are.” Rafael smiled brightly and cradled the back of her head. He leaned in and kissed her quickly. “I love you, Catherine Amell.”

She smiled happily at him, but then suddenly, it seemed like her strength was gone. Her body grew sluggish and she slumped into herself.

“Cath?” Luckily, Rafael was quick enough to catch her. But when he starred down at her worriedly with a fast beating heart,  her eyes were closed and her breaths deep. “Are you okay?”

“Hmmhmm…”, she hummed tiredly and yawned. “Just exhausted. Haven’t slept much.”

Just in this moment, Rafael remembered what had happened over the short time of a weekend. He remembered, how exhausted she had been on Friday by all the things she had done for him. He remembered the tension between them, her concern about Olivia, playing with Noah and getting to know her rapist were dead. It all had been not so long ago and yet it felt like another time. As if years had passed. Then the realization she was in love with him and how to deal with the aftermath of her confession. She likely had not slept more than he did last night. And then, all of these dramatic, emotional actions took place, which led to them becoming a couple. No wonder, she felt overwhelmed and exhausted.

“It was quite an exciting weekend indeed.”, Rafael admitted and gently stroked through her hair. “Sleep, Cath.”

“But I wanted to make breakfast…”, she mumbled, her eyes still closed and her voice thick of tiredness. Rafael smiled and gently pulled her up, settling her between his legs and her head on his shoulder.

“Sleep, Cath.” He laughed quietly and kissed into her hair. It truly was adorable, how she was desperately trying to stay awake. His eyes wandered outside, watching how the clouds drifted by over the blue sky, while Catherine snoozed in his arms. A feeling of inner peace flooded through him and slowly, his eyes drifted close. This truly was perfection, he thought, when he fell asleep, his beloved Cath in his arms. Could a morning be even more perfect?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew. That really had not been easy for me. I threw away 3 previous drafts before I ended up. So I would really like to know, what you think of it :) Especially about the first kiss, because it's my first "more described" and especially my first "first" kiss, because in all my other fanfictions, the relationship is already established. How was it?
> 
> Anyway, I wish you a great weekend. I'm going try to figure out, how it will go on from now :)
> 
> See you soon, hopefully next Saturday :) Then, there will definitely a break, because I'm on Holiday. bye bye. Subaru :)


	22. A new chapter in life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catherine reveals a bit more of her past and decides to leave it behind after this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter's up a day earlier, because I'm not here tomorrow :)

Catherine slowly blinked her eyes open. The sun had reached its zenith and its beams gently tickled her nose. The sky was clear, only a few, white clouds flew lazily by and the ocean rolled calmly onto the shore. The rushing of the water filled the air like a song of an ancient being. Catherine smiled happily and hummed, trying to snuggle into her pillow until she noticed, it was warm and moving. She also realised there was something strong and heavy wrapped around her and from one moment to another, she was wide awake and a cold shower of fear rushed through her body. Her eyes grew wide and she screamed, raising her hands in defence in order to free her from the bonds. What had they planned for her again? What were they going to do? But to her surprise, the restriction eased immediately and she was free.

“Cath.”, a deep voice whispered from above her. The sound of her name tore her out of the stupor of her panic. This was not her cell. There were no tiles, there was no blood, no dirty sheets, which were supposed to be a blanket, there was no sicking sweet scent of urine or vomit. Instead she smelled fresh, salty air and saw the ocean. Catherine rose her head and was met with deep, brown eyes, watching calmly down at her. “Everything’s alright. Don’t be afraid.”

“Rafael.”, she aspirated in surprise and relief at the same time, while breathing out deeply. It had been just a flashback. Everything was alright. She had just fallen asleep in his arms and in her regular after sleep confusion, she had misread the situation. How must it have appeared to him that she was behaving like she was Regan Teresa MacNeil in the Exorcist? “I’m so sorry.”

“No need to.”, Rafael assured her and he gently pulled her close, settling her head just above his heart. Catherine listened to the soft thuds underneath her, the soft rhythm alluring her, his calmness covering her like a blanket and her panic disappeared. Rafael stroked lovingly a strand of her hair out of her face, which had fallen loose before and kissed her forehead fondly. Catherine closed her eyes just like she always did at this gesture, but this time, it did not feel as soothing as it normally did. It felt like she was yearning to feel his lips somewhere else. Catherine frowned and tried to think, but the panic was just subsiding, giving free the memories of what had happened before she had fallen asleep. Slowly, vague pictures appeared. Catherine blinked, when she watched the montage of the events passed her eyes. Then her eyes widened and her head turned to him.

“It really happened, didn’t it?”, she asked breathlessly and touched his cheek to make sure, Rafael was truly there. “It wasn’t a dream?”

“Not if we both dreamed the same thing.” Rafael’s face softened, his eyes glistening fondly and he covered her hand with his. Catherine’s heart leapt in joy and a warm flood of endorphins rushed through her veins. Rafael and she, they were a couple. A couple. The thought echoed over and over through her head and her smile grew wider with every reputation. It was all she had ever wished for. Happily, she threw herself into Rafael’s arm, knocking off the air of his lunges. Rafael laughed breathlessly, the sound more a vibration through his chest than actually being audible. He pressed another kiss into her hair and then continued to stroke through her soft strands.

“Are you happy, Cath?”, Rafael asked, when he gained his breath back.

“And how!”, she exclaimed and snuggled her head against his chest. The bright gleam had returned to her and she felt, how the abused part of her was blending into her current self and therefore slowly disappeared. More and more, she was becoming the person, she was supposed to be. With Rafael’s help she was able to leave the past behind. She popped her head onto her hand and looked smilingly up at him. “Are you?”

Rafael only nodded and looked at her with an expression, she had never seen on his face. At Christmas she had been afraid, because Rafael had appeared much younger, when he had been in New York. Carefree, happy and relaxed, but it had been nothing compared to this. Most of his lines around his mouth and eyes were even out, his eyes shining like a Topaz. He looked astonishing and it took her breath away. Or maybe she saw him as more beautiful, now that she had accepted her feelings for him.

Catherine lifted herself up and leaned in, her lips hovering just above his, silently asking, if they had talked about the same thing. She needed to be sure, it had not been just a dream. She felt Rafael’s breath hotly against her skin and Catherine could not deny, she was amazed by herself. Not once, she had been that close to anyone- physical or mental. She sat above him, actually she sat more in his lap, their bodies close, that nothing fit between them and a gap not more than a thin piece of paper separated their faces, their noses slightly brushing against one another. Rafael closed his eyes slowly, apparently awaiting, what she had in mind. She could feel, how he breathed in relaxed and a slight tension in his muscles subsided. Her heart made another jump, then she covered the last small distance, which could have been their turning back point. But none of them wanted to turn back.

Catherine placed a soft, sweet kiss against his lips. They were softer than she had expected, really pleasant against her own and her mouth and senses were immediately filled with a taste, which was exactly he smelled. Earthy, musky with a nuance of cedar, heavy and yet sweet. A taste like an old forest after a strong rain. Fresh, raw, powerful and _ancient_ , though she had no idea, how this would taste like, but she found it utterly fitting to him. Immediately, she was enthralled by the feeling and she wondered, how she could have ever thought just being friends would be enough. How she would have thought, she did not want to kiss him, when it was the best feeling she had ever felt? Endorphins crashed through her veins like a flood, a feeling strong, mighty, powerful as the tides and mystique as time and it appeared to be everything she had ever longed for.

Rafael sighed softly beneath her, maybe thinking similar to her. He adjusted his position and gently wrapped his arms around her, one cradling her head, the other wrapped around the small of her back and her heart jumped in joy. Rafael felt the same as her. He was enjoying it as much as she did and he longed for it, for _her_. It felt like blessing, like she finally had found an anti-spell to her curse. In this moment, she promised herself to do everything to make this work, because it felt like they belonged together. Nothing else could be this overwhelming and yet natural at the same time.

When they dissolved, breathing heavily, a thin strand of salvia connected them. Rafael reached out and gently wiped it away, before resting his hand on her cheek as if he needed to ensure himself it was not a dream. His fingers traced her high cheekbone and his touch was even gentler than before, although Catherine had believed it was not even possible. His brown eyes starred up at her like she was the most precious treasure. 

Catherine pressed a soft kiss against his palm, enjoying the feeling of being able to do so without worrying if it meant more.

“I still can’t believe it.”, Rafael whispered softly, gently twisting a thin strand of her hair around his fingers.

“Neither can I.” Catherine laughed in embarrassment and tucked herself back under his chin, closing her eyes and listening to his heartbeat. Rafael breathed out as soon as she rested back on him and gently started to stroke through her hair. Catherine smiled. It truly felt unreal and probably, Rafael felt just as lost as her. Admitting their love to each other did not make every problem disappear. They had denied their feeling for so long, they still did not know exactly, how to behave. Admitting their feelings had not solved all the problems magically, but it still felt wonderful to have embraced every part of her. They only had to find out how to work as a couple.

“You didn’t expect me to love you?”, Rafael asked astonished and his fingers stopped. Catherine hid her face a little in his chest. She was incredibly happy, but yet overwhelmed with all the impressions storming onto her and her insecurities were not all gone. She had just accepted them as a part of her.

“To be honest: No, I didn’t.”, she whispered quietly. Rafael looked down at her with a mixture out of surprise and resignation. Yes, he was still surprised how little she believed in herself and how badly she thought of herself.

“Same problematic as always?”, he asked and his fingers slowly started to massage her scalp, soothingly rubbing circles on just the right spots to make her melt against him. Catherine shivered, when her surplus energy, all the tension, fear, concern and worries, left her body. She nodded and closed her eyes, while she relaxed more and more.

“Yes, the same as with friendship. I can’t understand, what you love me for.”

“Why not?” Rafael’s voice was smooth and calm, almost lethargic. There was no judgement, no emotion, no stress and it helped Catherine not to blame herself for it and rather accept it was something she was going to work on with his help. Her improvements were big enough for her to recognise herself. She was able to see how much more self-confident she had become due to his support. Rafael challenged or understood her, when it was necessary. At the beginning, Catherine had hated him for how he had guided her to her problems and brought things to the surface she had successfully suppressed. Now, she loved him for it. The more stressed Catherine was in a situation, the calmer Rafael stayed, breaking the stupor of her panic.

“Because our lives divide us, despite what connects us mentally. We’re from different cultural worlds and on different stages of life. You’re on top of your career, while I’m still at the beginning. You’ve achieved everything and I nothing. It feels like you’re much ahead of me.”, she explained, but this time there was no shame or even worse self-hatred in it. Catherine had learned to express her concerns and fears with him. She might not have healed completely, she likely never would, but she had learned to accept it. She knew, she had someone she could rely on and who would offer her strength, when she had none.

“It’s not all about work and career, Cath. That’s one of the things you taught me.” Rafael’s voice gently flowed over her like a calm river, washing everything away, which could harm her. Still, Catherine opened her eyes and lifted herself up onto her lower arm. She hoovered over him, her eyes looking deeply into his, her forehead slightly furrowed in confusion. She did not think she had taught him anything, but his eyes left no doubt about that. Rafael’s hand slid to her temple, stroking a strand out of her eyes and he looked up with the seriousness he had gained in his job. “When I moved to LA, I had lost everything. I only had focused on work and noticed how empty life was next to it. I didn’t know, what to do with me. I lost my purpose, but you showed me other aspects of life and how to truly live it. You showed me, how to appreciate the small things: like enjoying ice cream in the sun or the breeze from the ocean. You made me realised _higher, further, faster_ isn’t all in life. I come to rest and take a deep breath with you. You make me relax, Cath. It was an import lecture for me to learn.”

“Rafael…”, she whispered surprised, her heart beating fast and tears of affection burning in her eyes. She had not realised and seen it. She had given Rafael something. He had been able to take something out of it. She was not just his protégé or the girl he wanted to protect.

“Despite, who said, you achieved nothing, Cath? I did some research. You were a very talented rider and about to be picked up for U16 national team, but you gave it up to support your brother. You graduated with excellent marks right after your brother and grandparents died. You gained a scholarship for the Columbia. You were brave enough to move to a new country without any support. You were strong enough to survive hell. Strong enough to withstand their attempts of brainwash. Imaginative enough to escape and smart enough to run away from them for ten years and the NYPD for half a year. You faced your demons, stood up against them and fought. No matter, how strong you were attacked, you never faltered or backed down, a fire burning in your eyes, which said you would get your life back. And yet, you weren’t embittered. You showed compassion towards Marianne, supported her, whenever she couldn’t take it anymore. You grinded out your freedom and yet, you were as punished as your captivators. You had to start a completely new life, build up everything anew, what others had destroyed and you did. You stood your ground and fought your way back into life. You gained another scholarship and finished your Bachelor degree in regular time. Who cares, you haven’t worked yet? It’s triviality next to everything you’ve achieved.” More and more tears fell from her eyes, with every achievement he listed with his serious voice. The shine in his eyes told her, he saw her as equal. She was not a several steps behind, trying to catch up. She was just different. They could not be compared and should not. They were both the two sides of a coin. Rafael was strong in what she was lacking and the other way around. She did not have to understand, why he loved her. He did and it was all that mattered in this world.

“I believe you.” It was all she could possibly say. For the first time, she truly believed it and Rafael understood the meaning of it. His eyes showed it clearly. His fingers softly stroked the tears out of her eyes. He leaned in and kissed her, forcefully, yet softly and gently. Catherine sighed into the kiss and her hand cupped his cheek.

Rafael’s hand gently stroked over her back, when they dissolved and Catherine felt a shiver running down her spine. The connection between them was deepening, while they looked into each other’s eyes. Rafael would be strong for her, if she needed it and she gave him calmness, when his world started to turn faster and faster. She was glad, she was able to save him from this dangerous pace and made him slow down. He deserved calmness and happiness.

“Do you want pancakes, now? We got quite distracted from breakfast.” Catherine chuckled, but instead of answering, Rafael wrapped his arm around her waist and kept her in place.

“You stay right where you belong.”, he whispered with a voice deep as a thunder, which sent a shiver down her spine. “I don’t care about pancakes right now.”

“But you love my pancakes.”, Catherine exclaimed in feigned shook with her hand over her heart, her eyes sparkling up at him.

“I do.” Rafael smiled warmly at her and kissed her slowly, tenderly, lingering longer than necessary on her lips and he was savouring every moment of it. “But I love you more.”

“Charmer.” Catherine chuckled and turned herself onto her back, wrapping Rafael’s arms around her hips and lacing their fingers together, delighted by the way how natural it already felt. Rafael’s laugh rumbled underneath her head like a little earthquake.

It still felt unusual to Catherine. Rafael and she had been close most of the time, always using body contact in a way of communication, but she had never laid like this with someone. She was used to cement as a pillow on her boulevard of broken dreams or an actual pillows, but not to a living one rising and falling underneath her. She was not used to the warmth or the peace. Somehow, she was still awaiting a disaster to appear, but maybe this was the end of a chapter of her life and she could finally turn the page and start a new one. Hopefully, it might even be a sequel to the story of her life and there her pain would be downgraded to references, which were rarely mentioned.

“You know, Cath.”, Rafael whispered, while his fingers stroked her palm softly. Catherine only hummed comfortingly, not willing to move any more muscles than necessary. “It’s only the third time you’ve fallen asleep on me.”

“You’re the first, I’ve fallen asleep with since my captivity.”, she declared quietly, her body stiffening a little. “It’s a big sign of trust on my side. You know, they did terribly things to me, when I slept.”

“I’m sorry, Cath.”, he said guilty, likely only intending to do a little small talk and had not thought of the side effect. Catherine shook her head and squeezed his hand, while she watched how a seagull turned just about the ocean and flew up into the sky. Finally, she was just as free as it was, although she never would be able to greet the clouds. “You trusted me even back then?”

“To a certain level, of course. Otherwise I would never have let you find me.” Rafael stirred underneath her, straightening up, his finger stopped playing with hers. His entire focus rested on her, because he felt, she was about to tell him something important. “When I freed myself, I had no idea there was a special unit at the NYPD and to be honest, the NYPD didn’t have the best reputation. Or I had spoken to the wrong people.”

Catherine blinked against the sun as remembered her first days after she had been able to escape from her prison. It had been the hardest days of her life. Even harder than her imprisonment. During the one year as a slave, robbed of her humanity and degraded to an object, she had been at their mercy. All she had been able to endure was to endure it and beg it to stop. She had been a lonely boat on the wide ocean at the mercy of a nature catastrophe. There had been no freedom, everything of her had been controlled. What and how much to eat and to drink, when she was allowed to relieve herself or when to wear clothes.

Being free again had been so much harder than that. All she had wanted to do was to hurl herself together to cry for days on end, but she had known, they had been close to hunt her down and there was no time for her to stop. After a year of no responsibility, she had for everything, while learning skills she had no idea of and doing things she had despised. Those ten years had been the true hell.

Rafael stayed silent, letting her say as much or as less as she wanted. She only noticed, how his breaths became a little shallower and his muscles tensed slightly. Rafael detangled his fingers from hers. Instead, he stroked her arm soothingly, while wrapping his other tighter around her hips. He sensed naturally, where her mind had drifted to. Catherine took a deep, shuddering breath and focused until she was able to pull her out of the movie of her past. What had she just thought about closing a book and leaving her past behind?

“One day, I don’t know, when exactly, I saw a lead article about one of their cases with Casey Novak as ADA. I don’t know anymore, what case it was, but I remembered, I wanted to read it, but I only had three dollars left for the rest of the week and the newspaper costed 1,80 and I hadn’t eaten in three days. I distracted the cashier and stole it.” Catherine squeezed her eyes shut and waited. She expected Rafael to inhale sharply or to show any other sign of disgust, but he did not. Not even his hand stopped stroking over arm. “If it makes it any better, I never forgot, what I did. A few years later, I paid him too much for a newspaper.”

Silence. Rafael made no sound and she had no idea, what he was thinking. He likely had already guessed she had to do illegal things in order to survive. But what was he thinking of her even doing something against law for such a triviality as a newspaper?

“Rafa, can you please say something? Anything?”, she whispered, while her fingers clenched into the fabric of her shirt.

“There’s nothing that needs to be said.”, Rafael said calmly and wiped her concern away. “I’m aware you had to do things, which weren’t legal. You’re not the first and there’s a reason, why I never asked. I would have to accuse you, if I did.”

She nodded slightly. It made sense, still her stomach twisted at the thought of being charged and to have to experience to be her opponent.

“Are you judging me?” Catherine tilted her head and looked into his eyes, asking the question, which still lingered in her head.

“No, Cath.” Rafael kissed her softly, proving his honesty. For him, it truly was no big deal. “I know it had been actions of desperation.”

Catherine took another deep breath, nodded and felt relieved.

“Don’t worry about it.” He pressed another kiss into her hair. “It’s not going to taint my picture of you.”

How did she deserve him? She knew, she should not ask this question, but she could not prevent it. How can it be, he was able to find the words she needed to hear? How was he able to find piece after piece of her shattered soul and to put it back together?  

“Do you want to go on?”, he asked quietly and gently nudged her. “It sounded like you wanted to tell me something with it. I’m going to listen and won’t interrupt you, unless you ask something of me. Is this alright for you?”

She smiled slightly. That’s something, she loved of him. With Rafael, it would always be about consent. Never, not once, he would talk her into doing something, she did not want to. He would always ask, if she agreed. Rafael was the opposite to her captivators. They had taken everything of her and he gave her everything back. They had trampled on her human rights. Rafael did everything to treasure them. He was perfect for her.

“Yes. Thank you.” She swallowed, her throat suddenly dry. Maybe she should get something to drink, but she did not want to leave him or his embrace. “I read the article and felt something like hope inside of me. There was a special unit for cases like mine. Finally, I had an address, a goal. That afternoon I stood at the end of the stairs of the precinct. I wanted to go in, to end it, but it felt like my feet had roots. I couldn’t move. I wasn’t brave enough. I knew, if I walked through that door, I gave up my protection. I only survived, because I was able to stay unpredictable. Never be at the same place twice, never the same order. In the end, I had logbooks to make sure I never used the same pattern again. I knew, if I reported them, I had to stay at one spot and they would search for me even more aggressive. I would have been in danger. In far greater danger than you likely know. Five times, they almost got me. Once, I had been just able to climb out of a window, while they came in through the front door. I knew, if they get me, they would tear me apart, mangle me, put me back together just to repeat it. I would die. Slowly, painfully. Reporting them meant I would trust the SVU and their ADA with my life. So, I stood at the precinct and I wagered, if I could take the risk. If they were able to protect me. In the end, I turned around and ran away.”

Catherine pursed her lips and lowered her head. Immediately, Rafael reached for her hand and gently laced his fingers with hers, while his other hand still stroked over her arm. It felt good to be embraced by him. He shielded her and decreased the intensity of her memories. The pictured did not overflowed her and mercilessly pulled her away. His arms were like an anchor, which kept her in the present.

“But I kept the article.”, Catherine continued after several moments of staying silent. She had roughly told him about her flight and Rafael of course had asked her about it, but this had never been a  realtopic and she slowly started to realise, how much she was going to reveal with the story. “Ever since that day, I followed everything around the SVU. I’ve lost count, how many times I stood in front of the precinct. Every time, I thought I would be brave enough, but it always ended the same.”

What would have happened with her, if she had decided to report them earlier? Catherine dismissed the question quickly, before it claimed more room in her mind and therefore would torment her. It was one of those questions, she would never find an answer. If she had decided, she would not have ended up in the arms of the former prosecutor and she likely would not feel that save and comfortable.

“Then, there was the case of Jocelyn Paley and Adam Cain. Your first case in Manhattan.” She closed her eyes, squeezing Rafael’s hand tighter, clinging onto him. He startled slightly under her and inhaled sharply. Just then she realised, she had dug her nails into his skin.

“Sorry.”, she whispered quickly and kissed the mistreated patch of skin, which was already reddening. She felt, how he shook his head and his thumb gently caressed her lips, until she smiled and placed another kiss against his filigree finger.

It was weird that he said nothing, but it had been their deal and Rafael kept it. He would stay silent so she was not thrown out of her rhythm, but it did not mean he was not able to support her.

“I don’t know, how to express, what I saw in you, while I watched the interview on the steps of the courthouse. What made me think, you might be able to save me. Maybe, it was, because I believed you to be though enough, hard enough. I think, it was the way you said, no matter who’s the counterpart, no means no. In this moment, I felt hope again, but I tried to push it down. I didn’t want to feel and then loose it again, but I couldn’t stay away from the news. I always reminded me not to, but I did.” Suddenly, a memory reappeared, which she had forgotten for a long time. She chuckled quietly and tiredly, because it made her realise, how much trust she had given Rafael, before they had even exchanged a single word.

“I just remembered something.”, she answered his question, looking up into his eyes. “I went to your office twice”

“I can’t remember ever talking to you before.”, he mused, his frown audibly in his voice, searching for the memory in which he had spoken or seen her.

“Because we didn’t.”, Catherine explained. She tilted her head and starred up at the ceiling. “The first time, I tried, I wasn’t even let in. The security was suspicious, because I looked terrible. My clothes were shabby and I was very lean. I looked like a homeless. Well, I was homeless at the time. I was broken and at the end. I didn’t know, how to go on. I was desperate. They were so close and I was so afraid.”

Catherine’s voice broke for a moment, when the long-buried emotions of the memories overwhelmed her. She swallowed heavily, breathed in and out, how she had learned it over the years to control her emotions and was able to gain back her composure.

Rafael tensed again and she heard, how he grinded his teeth and a growl rumbling underneath his breath. He was becoming angry, but he kept his promise. He stayed silent.

“The second time was around a year, before we’ve met. I made it to your office and spoke to Carmen. She wanted to ask you, if you had time for me and asked me to wait. I heard you grunting something in annoyance. I couldn’t hear what, but it sounded like _I don’t have time_. In this moment, I lost my courage. It had been stupid to come. You wouldn’t believe me. There were no proves for the crimes done to me. I jumped up and stormed out of your office and ran anywhere, where I collapsed and cried. It felt like my hope, and therefore my world, shattered in this moment. I realised, I had been able to free myself, but I still was their prisoner. They still controlled my life and it would never stop. There was no hope. It was a game by their rules. They would always win out, and I, I could only lose. It was only a matter of time until they would have worn me out. All they had to do was to be patient.” A single, lonely tear ran down her cheek. A tear as lonely as she had been. Rafael’s breath hitched underneath her, his fingers stopping to caress her.

“Cath, can I say something, please?”, he asked calmly, but Catherine sensed the hidden shiver and pain in his tone.

“Just a moment, please. I’m almost done.”, she whispered with a suffocated voice, but it was rather stable, only her breath coming a little faster, indicating the struggle of her memories. Rafael nodded against her head and pressed a long, hard kiss into her hair to express his apologies for chasing her away with his roughness. “You don’t need to apologise, Rafael. It’s not your fault. It was my decision. I wasn’t ready to talk and to face it.”

She kissed his hand again. It was a long, gentle kiss in which she gave all the gratitude she could not put into words. Rafael sniffed and a tear fell onto her scalp, cold against her skin. Catherine wanted to turn around and to snuggle herself into him, but she knew, she should not. If she did, she would never tell the story to an end and therefore, would not answer the question, he had originally asked and they both had almost forgotten about. Then all the pain of the memories would have been in vain. So, Catherine breathed in and collected her strength to continue:

“Then I found out that you were looking for me and that you had saved another victim. I started to wager again, if I should report them. We were two. The chances were higher and I still believed you to be the one, who would be able to fight for me, but the risk was high nonetheless. After Marianne was freed, they were thoroughly looking for me. If I wasn’t sure, you’d be able to protect me, I would have signed my death warrant. That’s why I needed another half a year to find the courage to let you find me. You were right, back then. I let you find me, because I was worn out and noticed, how I was starting to make mistakes. I was at the end: physically, mentally. I had exhausted all my resources. I wouldn’t be able to hide much longer, maybe another year, and I actually didn’t want to anymore. So, I had to decide, if you were my gladiator. If you were the person able to overtake the fight, I had fought for over ten years. So, yes, I trusted you. The moment you walked through the door of the café, I entrusted you with my life and future.”

Catherine almost said _the end_ , but that would have been too cynical and degrading. Her life was not a movie in which authors had given the character a tragic backstory to evoke sympathy or to keep the story excited. It had been her life.

Slowly, she rolled around and looked at Rafael. His face was blurred in sadness, his eyes glistening wet and his lips trembled. He still tried to keep his promise to say nothing, but it obvious to see, how much her story pained him. Catherine had never seen him like this. Not even, when he had cried about Yelina. She had known, it was not a nice story to tell, but she had not expected it to turn out like this. Well, she could not have known, that those memories would appear again. She sighed slightly. It was the second time he was crying today and she had planned to do everything so that this did not happen anymore, but she made it happen willingly. Was this day not supposed to be beautiful? Was she truly able to make Rafael happy for a longer time? She was not sure, but she had accepted, it was Rafael’s choice, not hers. She had no right to made it for him.

Catherine reached out and cupped his cheek, gently brushing the tears away, which had leaked from the corners of his eyes. Rafael’s eyes fell close and he sniffed, taking in a shuddering breath.

When he opened his eyes again, he slowly leaned up to her. The way he kissed her made her forget everything she had to endure and was worth all the pain. It was soft, loving, intimate, yet sad, almost desperate, as if he hoped, it could wipe all of her tears. As if he could heal the world, at least hers, with a kiss. Catherine almost laughed, because this was not possible and Rafael was smart enough to know that, but it felt good that he tried.

He said nothing, when they dissolved, although he had desperately to just a few minutes ago, probably having forgotten all of the words, to dazed by how much trust she had given him, before he had even earned it. Or he said nothing, because he knew, she did not want him to. She did not want an apology, because it would lose its meaning. There was nothing he had to apologise for and if he said it carelessly, it would diminish its value.

Instead, he stroked her, his hands roaming over her body, soothing her. Catherine breathed out and the dark clouds were slowly dissolving again. It felt good to have him, to be with him.

When he stroked over the small of her back, she tensed and hissed, when a slight pain ran up her spine.

“Cath?” Rafael stopped immediately and his eyes darted back to her. “Are you alright?”

“Yes.” She smiled reassuringly and nodded. “It’s just some of the scars didn’t heal probably and are rather tensed. If I move unluckily, they had hurt at times.”

“Sit up.”, he commanded suddenly.

“What?”

“Sit up!” Rafael smiled warmly at her and did not gave her time to react. Instead he sat them both up. His hands found their way onto her shoulder and massaged them. Catherine moaned, when they gently worked her muscles and rolled her shoulders. She felt him smile, although he sat behind her and she enjoyed every moment of his tenderness.

After a while, he carefully stroked her out of her neck, making sure not to startle her. He stopped for a moment, likely starring at the scar, where the taser had burned her skin, while Catherine thought about what she could say to dispel his thoughts.

“I would like to massage your neck, but for that, I have to put my hands around your neck. Is that alright for you?”, he asked softly. “Would you trust me again?”

“I will always trust you.” Catherine tilted her head and kissed his chin.  Rafael smiled fondly and gently wrapped his hands around her neck. Catherine startled a little and took in a deep breath in reflex to prolonged the time, until she was strangled to death. Rafael did not apply any pressure. His warm, filigree fingers only rested on her skin. After a few moments, her intuition realised, she was not in danger and she relaxed. Rafael’s fingers rubbed gentle, smooth circles over her cervical vertebra. Immediately, a shudder ran down her spine and she stretched, giving him greater access to her neck.

“I had no idea, you’re so good at it.” A deep, guttural hum left the depth of her body, while he caressed all the right places, tension almost as old as time were smoothed out of her body.

“I’m good at everything.” He chuckled behind her. “You should know by now.”

“I do.” She smiled and closed her eyes, her head falling to her chest automatically. “Still, you never cease to amaze me.”

“Who’s the charmer, now?” Rafael kissed her neck, right onto her scar, his lips lingering on the sensible spot. Catherine’s body did not know whether to hiss, inhale or stop breathing and decided to freeze instead. The gesture was soft and tender and meant so much. In the depth of her mind, the question rose, if her scars disturb him. Her mind they did not, but the part of her, where her insecurities rested, did not believe. Her demons made another, probably final attempt, to upset her.

“Are you wondering, if they disturb me?”, he asked. Catherine only huffed, not even surprised anymore he had seen right through her. Rafael simply knew her.

“I try not to…”, she answered with a whisper and turned her head to him. “I know these thoughts are the words of my demons, who are trying to pull me down again one last time. A final attempt to win me back. It’s safer in the loneliness, to trust no one. But I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want to be happy and to be free. I want to slough of my chains and step back into the light. With you, I found, what I’ve been missing all my life and this too precious to throw it away. I won’t let them destroy, what we have. I won’t let that happen. I know, you care for me. You’ve proven it times and times again. So, I’m not going to listen. I will trust in _us_ not in _them_.”

Catherine’s voice was determined and her eyes glared combatively at the ceiling. Time to end it- now and forever. It was time to shrug off those voices or she could lose, what was the best part of her life and she would not allow them to control her anymore. She wanted to open up a new book of her life? Then she had to do it herself. She had to take charge of it.

She turned around to Rafael, who looked proudly at her and it warmed her heart. Catherine smiled and cupped his cheek. It might not be Endgame, maybe, it would not last forever, but she would savour every moment she could get. Catherine kissed him softly, pouring all of her love into it. This here, this between them, it was her future and it was one she was looking forward to.

“I love you, Rafael Barba. This is all, I’m going to believe in from now on.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm proud of Cath :) She's developing well through Rafael's love. Sometimes, love is all you need ^-^
> 
> Do you have any wishes/ideas of what they should experience from now on? Like I said, the storyline from now on is pretty loose, so I could fit some in. I'm up for suggestions.
> 
> Comments are very much appreciated. They're a great motivation :) 
> 
> Upload for the next chapter is unsure, because I'm on holiday.


	23. A wonderful bubble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael's cast finally comes off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This and the next chapter were originally one, but it became too long, so here is the first part. :)

The wind sang softly through the open window, the curtains dancing, waving cheerfully to the wonderful rhythm. A seagull disturbed the peaceful melody in its search for food. Catherine slowly blinked her eyes open, enjoying how the gentle breeze stroked over the skin of her arms and the sun warmed her in apology for the cheekiness of its brother. She stretched lazily, enjoying the comfortable feeling of this peaceful morning and the silky sheets covering here in the big bed. The most beautiful feeling, however, was the arms that were wrapped around her. Strong, protective arms, which would always keep her safe. It was still strange for Catherine to sleep in the same bed with Rafael, not unpleasant, just unused. The first three nights, she still had slept in the guest bedroom. The thought of sharing the bed with him had embarrassed her. She had been denying her feelings for who knows how long and it was programmed deeply inside her soul, everything out of the allowed frame felt weird- despite the kissing. The kissing definitely was the best part of it.

Three days ago, Rafael had stopped her, when she had been about to disappear into the guestroom. There had been no pressure in his voice, when he had asked, if he wanted to sleep in his room, but still Catherine had blushed immediately, although he assured her nothing would happen. He only had wanted to have her close. Holding out his hand, he had looked at her, waiting for her to either accept or refuse. In the end, Catherine had come to the conclusion that hesitating was ridiculous. They had snoozed on the couch several times, their bodies entwined so closely, that sleeping in the same bed would not have been any different. Besides, she had already been sleeping at his side beforehand and had not felt embarrassed. So, why now? Catherine also trusted Rafael and knew, he would not take advantage of the situation, so she had taken his hand in order to agree. The soft smile on his lips had been reward enough.

Carefully, making sure not to wake him up, Catherine loosened Rafael’s embrace and turned around to him. The former prosecutor was still fast asleep, a blissful smile on his lips and his breath coming evenly. It did not look like he was going to wake up any time soon. He looked so relaxed and happy, it warmed her heart. Catherine reached out and gently combed through his dark hair. Rafael sighed and his smile turned dreamier, still not showing any hint of waking up. Rafael normally was not a long sleeper, though he was not an early bird either, but today, he seemed to be up for sleeping in.

Rafael’s bottom lip twitched under her fingertips, almost imperceptive until it stirred into a happy smile. He twisted, curling his arm back around her, and pulling her close, as if he did not want to let her go. Her love for the man beside her filled her heart with calmness and serenity. Catherine smiled, and laid her head back on the pillow beside his.

One week they had spent in a pocket dimension, time losing its meaning, while they had talked and kissed and cuddled, both of them enjoying the feeling of being freshly in love. The world outside his house had stopped existing. The world passed simply passed by them: people living and dying, wars fought and ended, crops failed or thrived and the sun shone down on it all. And none of it mattered. They were together, side by side, loving and in love with each other. The world could not be more perfect than that.

Sadly, even their pocket dimension could not last forever and they needed to return to reality. Catherine threw a gaze at the clock on the wooden bedside table. 08.23 stood on the display in red, warning numbers. It was time to get up and to face everyday life together.

“Rafa…”, she whispered softly and kissed next to the brim of his hear. “Wake up.”

Rafael grumbled in his sleep, his eyes squeezing even tighter shut, refusing to open and leave the land of dreams. Catherine shook her head and chuckled quietly.

“Rafa...” This time, she kissed his cheek and his smile turned softer. “Come on, you really have to wake up.”

He had to be in the hospital at ten o’clock and the drive was around half an hour- luckily, the rush hour would be over by then. Today, his cast would finally come off. It was an appointment he rather did not want to miss, but it appeared Rafael was just as stubborn in his sleep as he was awake. Catherine playfully rolled her eyes and shook her head. Still, the feeling of love swelled inside of her heart, when she watched him asleep. It all appeared like a dream to her and she expected to wake up any moment to find herself alone in the guest bedroom. Most of the times, it still felt too good to be real and she wanted nothing more than to prolong this blissful wonder for as long as possible. She could understand him, she thought, while she played with the tips of his hair. Subconsciously, she did not want to wake up, too, to find it was all a dream. The wrinkles next to Rafael’s eyes had eased and he looked as relaxed as he had been at the beginning. It seemed like sleep had allured him back.

Still, Rafael would be mad, if he missed his big day and she really did not feel up for his mood, if he did. So, time for the last, kind weapon, before she was going to fight dirty. She lowered her head, her lips hoovering above his, their breath mingling together, become one just as they both hoped their souls would be soon, too. Catherine loved this moment, when they were just about to kiss and the sparks of excitement flickered through her nerves and over her skin, causing the fine hairs on her arms to rise and a pleasant shiver running down the spine. The fast rhythm of her heart made her feel alive and wide awake and yet, time slowed down in this blink of an eye. It was too fast to be seen from outside, but to those involved, it contained more than often an entire day did.

Gently, Catherine rested her lips on his and sighed, when the trusted feeling of belonging rushed through her. Kissing Rafael felt like destiny and like coming home. It completed her and yet it was still magical, something, she truly could not believe to be happening and would likely never grow tired of.

When their lips touched, she looked up to see that his eyes were already open. He was smiling contently, his fingers cradling her head and pulling her closer. A sound at the border of a sigh and moan left him, when he deepened the kiss, mouths and tongues moving in a dance to which they were still figuring out the basic steps.

Catherine surrendered and let him pull her on top of him, their bodies pressed together and she gave in to the wonderful, turbulent storm of emotions. Once again, reality stepped back and they both entered a world, which only belonged to them. Where all that mattered were them. It was the place, where Catherine felt the most comfortable. A world free of social conventions, she had to balance together with her trauma.

“You’ve been awake all this time.”, Catherine whispered warmly against his lips, her eyes still closed and a soft smile on her lips.

“You simply didn’t kiss the right place.”, Rafael answered with a voice dark and deep from sleep and the haze of dreams slowly fading, his irises clearing up.

“Idiot.”, she grumbled playfully and gently slapped his arm. Rafael laughed and kissed her again.

“Good morning, Cath.”, he whispered and lovingly stroked a strand of her brown hair out of her eyes.

“Good morning, Rafa.” Catherine smiled warmly, her eyes closed, while he stroked through her hair, which almost had become a habit of his. One, Catherine really enjoyed. “You really like my hair, don’t you?”

“Indeed.” Rafael hummed pleased and rested his head back into the pillow, watching her with a gentle gaze, his fingers playing with a strand. “I’m glad, you changed your hair colour back to your natural tone. It suits you much better than blond.”

“And it’s definitely much less work.”, Catherine said and rolled onto her back. “Try to fit in a hairdresser appointment every two months, while being on the run.”

Rafael seemed to pause for a moment, lifting himself up and watched her concerned. Catherine could feel it like a burning on her skin. Ever since she knew him, her senses were focused on Rafael. It was almost like a sixth sense. To sooth him, she turned her head back to him and winked grinningly at him. Rafael looked at her for a moment, but then noticed she was truly joking and smiled.

“Come on.” Catherine sat up and gently patted his arm. “We have to get up.”

She swung her legs over the edge of the bed and stretched her arms, her back muscles tensing and relaxing under her skin, while she yawned. Rafael watched her with a pleased looks in his eyes, showing he also could not believe, he was having her. Just as less as she did not believe, she had him.

“Why?” Rafael furrowed his forehead in confusion, trying to figure out, why she was insisting they needed to get up, while he wanted to stay. Waking up next to her was one of the best feelings, he had ever felt and it was a perfect way to begin the day. He also simply wanted to keep her in his arms for much longer to make sure, she was truly here and it was not just a dream of his.

Catherine looked at him over her shoulder and smiled fondly. It did not happen often that Rafael Barba was confused and she found the expression utterly adorable.

“It’s Monday, Rafa.”, she explained, taking her smartphone from the bedside table and showed him the date on the display and a push up notification about an appointment in the hospital in an hour. “Time to get the cast off.”

Rafael blinked twice, his mind needing a moment to catch up, but when the last remnants of sleep disappeared and a wide grin enlightened his face.

“Oh, thank God, finally.” He laughed happily and shook his head in disbelief that it finally came off. Catherine stood up and walked around the bed, until she stood right in front of him and holding out her hands.

“Come, let me help you.” There would have been a time when Rafael would have had trouble accepting the offered help. He had always set great value upon independency, that he was able to solve and achieve everything on his own, but with Catherine it was easy, natural. Funnily, neither she or he had been persons to easily accept help from others. Their past had taught them to rely on no one else but themselves, but through each other they had learned to ask and accept help. And Catherine had been a great help for him through this rough time. It might have been just a broken leg, but for Rafael it was a nuisance, which was hard to endure. Catherine had been his greatest help through all this time, always being, what he had been lacking off: calm and patient, when he was frustrated and wanted to pull his hair out. She had organised everything. Without her, everything would have been much more complicated and yet, it did not feel like he was owing her something. Catherine’s natural charm made it feel, she was awaiting nothing in return and she did not mind.

Despite, and he chuckled at the thought, the accident had been one of the best things that could have happened to him. Without him being hit by a car, Catherine would have never thought about being in love with him. They would have never found out, what they feel for each other and that would have been a great loss for the both of them, because they brought out the best into each other.

Trustingly, he took her offered hand and let her help him up and she immediately gave him his crutches. Normally, in their daily ritual, Catherine would have got his clothes, but when she was about to turn around, Rafael grabbed her arm tightly, but gently. Catherine blinked in confusion, her blue eyes sparkling warmly at him. Rafael’s gaze was just as tenderly as hers and he tilted her head to kiss her, savouring the sweet taste of vanilla on his tongue, which was uniquely Catherine. He poured all of his gratefulness into the move of his lips, the touch of his hands on her cheek and her hip.  She should feel, how much she meant to him and how much appreciated everything she had done.

“ _Thank you,_ Cath _._ ”, Rafael said, when they dissolved and meant all of it. The way Catherine looked at him, her eyes wide and her mouth slightly open, she understood. She always knew, what he wanted to say, even if he did not know how to put it in words himself.

“I love you.”, was her simple, yet powerful answer. Rafael’s smile grew softer, fonder and he nodded, the well-known warmth spreading through his body and soul.

“I love you, too.”, he replied softly. At times, he still did not know, what to think about these completely new feelings rising inside of him, which were light as a feather and wonderful like the morning sun at the beach. It was a part of him, he had never experienced before, not even, when he had been in love with Yelina. Back in his teenager years, he had felt like he was bursting from the feelings inside of his heart, but it was nothing compared to this here. His feelings for Yelina had been like a storm, a nature catastrophe, raw, powerful, but also overwhelming, like a storm tide, which pulled him away. He had been blind from love and would have done anything she had asked of him without a second thought, throwing his reasonability over board and diving head over into the storm. This here with Catherine felt entirely different. He was not blinded by love, he was finally seeing clear because of her.  It felt like a safe haven, a home, like a place he finally came to rest with. Catherine made him better in every aspect of him. His good qualities became stronger and his bad weaker. Although he was a rather old man, who normally should not learn new tricks, he was still growing, improving.

Gently, Rafael rested his forehead against her, breathing in her scent of blossoming roses and lilacs, her body snuggling into his, fitting into his perfectly. She truly belonged to him and it made him happy. He had always known, where he belonged, but Catherine felt like home to him. As if he was able to finally could allow every side of him to be free and he would never be able to thank her for it, but the way she looked up at him made him believe, she felt the exact same.

Catherine smiled and wrapped her arms around his waist, while she gently rubbed her cheek against his like a cuddly cat. Rafael chuckled and hugged her closer, kissing her softly onto her cheek.

“Is it wrong, I don’t want to leave?”, he asked quietly, his voice low and rumbling.

“No, I don’t want leave our bubble either.”, she said and placed a sweet, soft kiss onto his collarbone. Rafael sighed and closed his eyes. “Our relation had been defined by drama. The crimes done to me, your accident. I’m a bit worried how our relationship copes with everyday life.”

“Do you think so little of us?”

“I love us this much.”, she explained and closed her eyes against his shoulder. “And I know, how destructive everyday life can be. I’m not used to being happy. I’ve never been completely happy and every time I thought, I could finally be, it was destroyed. I’m still awaiting the inevitable downfall, which is going to come to show me, I don’t deserve it.”

“You deserve all of it, Cath.” Rafael gently gripped her chin, tilting her head until she looked into his eyes and would believe all the words, he was going to say, which carried his heart and honest opinion. “And even, if your assumption would be true, love is not about deserving. Love is not logical or you have to pay for it. You said it yourself. These feelings belong to you.”

He rested his hand onto her heart, feeling the well-known rhythm of her heart underneath her grey sleeping shirt.

“And they belong to me.” He laid her hand to his own heart, pressing her palm flatly against his chest, a soft tingle running through the wires of his nerves from the point she touched him. Catherine rose her eyes, her blue glistening like the ocean. “It belongs to us and no one else. Only we could possibly destroy it and neither of us want to.”

“Rafael…” His name sounded sweet, when it came from her. He could not say, what exactly it was, but he loved the way she did. He smiled warmly, stroking her hair out of her face.

“Listen to your own advice, Catherine Amell, because you’re quite wise for your age.” Catherine glared up at him, her eyes narrowed, but there was a playful expression on her face. It likely made her think, she was nothing than a mere child to him, what was not true of course. It could be any less true. “Don’t make the second step before the first. Otherwise the fear of something hypothetical could be our doom.”

“You’re right.”, she said after a few moments of thinking, her eyes slowly softening, and her fingers gently stroking his chest. “I said, I want to believe in us, so I should live up to my words. I hope they weren’t too big for me.”

“You’re still selling yourself too short.”, Rafael scolded her with a soft tone, his eyes lingering in hers. “You’re the brave and strong one from the both of us. It was you, who wanted to end this in between, in which we had been caught. You wanted to find a name to protect the both of us. Without you, we would still dance around each other, too afraid to face, what was hidden deep inside of our souls.”

“Why are you so perfect?”, Catherine asked whisperingly and rested her head against his shoulder.

“Because you made me.”, he replied and rubbed over her back. Then, both of them paused like a movie stopped in an awkward moment, both of them surprised by the words they had said, which had come from a part of themselves, they had no access to. After a few moments of silence, in which one could hear the chirp of the crickets, they both started to laugh.

“God, are we cheesy.”, both of them giggled at the same time, the heaviness of their former conversation disappearing with the summer breeze.

“Come on, I’ll get your clothes.” Catherine said, her fingers drumming an unknown rhythm consonant to the one of his heart. “Before we’re going to slip on our slime. White shirt and denim okay?”

Once again, Rafael laughed honestly.

“Yes.” He kissed her briefly and Catherine disappeared into the dressing room. He heard her rumbling, the bright squeal of clothes hanger being slid over the hanging rail coming from the dressing room. It was another ritual established by them and which would likely take place for the last time. Soon, it would be followed by another one, which left a bitter taste on his tongue and he disliked it.

Five minutes later, Catherine came back, holding a shirt and a denim against her body.

“Those okay?”, she asked and Rafael nodded. Catherine smiled and carefully laid the clothes down onto his bed on which Rafael had sat down. He still could not stand long without any help. The muscles in his leg had grown weak over the one and a half month he was not able to move it.

A shadow fell over his eyes, when Catherine hoovered over him and kissed him gently. Immediately, Rafael’s eyes closed and he returned the kiss, because kissing her was the best feeling in the world.

“I’m going over. We’ll meet in the living room or call me, when you need me, okay?” Rafael nodded again, saying not a single word. Catherine smiled awkwardly, abruptly turned around and left his room with a bright red face and the wonderful dream ended.

Rafael looked after her and sighed sadly, his eyes lowered. There it was. The unpleasant ritual. Every morning, she brought him his clothes and then left the room to change herself. It was not her leaving per se, that troubled him. He could understand it was still problematic for her, but what hurt him was how she almost ran away. How she ran out of the room like a dove on flight from a hunter. Of course, he had not forgotten her trauma, but this truly was painful. Although they were a couple, every step was still a fight. He loved her so much and he had got even more: her love. She loved him with everything she was and she trusted him. He saw it in every fibre of her eyes, heard it in every word she spoke and noticed it in every action she made. But as soon as a potential sexual component was involved, they were back to the beginning. Whenever there was a bit more skin involved than a shirt and shorts, she turned around and ran. She did not even dare to swim in the ocean, because she was embarrassed to be seen in bikini. Rafael was not sure, if she was still embarrassed of her scars or in general. Or was he the problem?  Rafael really did not want to push her and he had no problem with being patient, but she really did not need to react like he was a monster. He tried to be understanding, but he was as emotionally involved as she was and he was vulnerable as her. Maybe, he thought, it was time to do something about it. He just had to figure out a strategy how to.

~*~

“Should I really not come with you?” Catherine’s compassion and caring sometimes were too sweet to endure. Rafael smiled warmly at her, when she looked concerned at him. In these moments, he believed he could overcome every obstacle in order to spend a little more time in her warm light. The way she starred into his eyes, almost like a loyal puppy… okay, he really should not use this comparison with her. But at times, it was like his two visions of her blurred into one another. Sometimes he saw his surrogate daughter and his girlfriend at the same time. Was it normal that girlfriend still sounded weird? They were a couple and yet none of them had ever said the terms of _girlfriend_ or _boyfriend_. It did not feel right. They both were not teenagers anymore after all.

“No, Cath. It’s alright. It will take a while. I’ll have my first physiotherapy session right afterwards and then need to go to my office to get everything organised for home office. I will be gone for at least half the day.”

“It's the first time we've been separated since we're a couple.”

“I know. We’ve spent almost every free minute together since we’ve met each other.” Rafael stroked through her hair, before he placed a kiss into it. “But you could need a break. It’s time, you have a few hours for yourself. You’ve been looking after me almost none stop for over a month. Take a bit time for yourself and relax. Or prepare for University like you wanted to.”

Catherine nodded, but she appeared so lost.

“Text me, when it’s off, okay?”

“Promised.” His next kiss landed on her forehead, soft, long and sweet.

“Shall I cook something for us?”

“Don’t you dare.” Rafael chuckled and shook his head about her, pressing another kiss onto her forehead. “I said you should take time for yourself and all you could think of doing housework? If you have any kitchen utensils in your hand, when I come home, you’re in trouble.”

“And if I’m already done and therefore have none in my hands?” Catherine rose her eyes, a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouths and Rafael smirked.

“You’re still in trouble, but after we ate up.” His eyes twinkled mischievously and Catherine laughed, stroking her bangs out of her eyes. “I’ll bring something with me, Cath.”

“Okay…” She sounded even more lost than before. Catherine did not know what to do if she could not take care of anyone. Rafael found it utterly adorable and yet it was concerning. It was something she truly should learn.

Catherine hugged him tight and kissed him, when Rafael got the notification that his car was waiting outside.

“I’m going to miss you.”, she whispered and Rafael looked down at her, his own heart becoming a little heavy, although it was only for a few hours.

“I love you, Cath. See you later.”

“See you. Love you, too.” Then the door fell closed and Rafael was off. Catherine starred after him and took a deep breath. Okay, so what was she going to do all alone in this big house?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How did you like this little waking up together? I find it pretty cute :) Comments as always very appreciated or suggestions for what they should experience together :)
> 
> The next chapter is the longest I've written for this story so far. Around 15 pages and it's going to be very emotional. Depending on when I come back from my Holiday, it's going up next Saturday and Sunday. Look forward to it :)
> 
> Wish you all a wonderful weekend. Bye bye, Subaru :)


	24. A dream of forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catherine struggles with her fear of being intimate and Rafael uses an unorthodox method

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you're going to need this link at the end of the chapter :)
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sf0XLOloDaA

It was around 4 p.m., when Rafael returned home, only slightly dragging his feet after him and moving a little awkwardly, still trying to get used of the feeling of having no cast anymore. Catherine had made herself comfortable on the couch, which she had covered in textbooks, notepads and folders. A pen was pressed between her teeth and her forehead laid in deep wrinkles as if she could force the subject matter into her brain by starring at it. Rafael chuckled quietly. He felt reminded of his own time at Harvard. His own desk had looked like this often enough.

“Hey…”, he whispered and put the two paper bags with their food on the small table, which normally was place for the key bowl. Catherine looked up and her eyes sparkled, when she saw him without a cast and without crutches.

“Rafa!” Immediately, Catherine jumped, tossing quite a few papers onto the ground, indicating she had only tried to busy herself, to be productive, while she had waited for him and she had not been learning. She ran towards him, but just in front of him she stopped, afraid she would knock him over. Her eyes shone brightly, happily at him, obviously liking the sight of him being free of the cast. Before he could even say another word, she kissed him passionately, their tongues soon playing tag with each other and both of them moaned and sighed, setting free all of the emotions storming inside of their bodies.

Rafael dissolved to catch for breath, only to kiss her again and again and again, over and over, emotions flowing out of him, he was surprised by. They kissed until both burst into a relieved laughter.

“Welcome home, Rafael.”, she whispered, when they were finally able to let go of each other. “Did everything go well?”

“Yes, everything is fine. The fracture is completely healed. Doctor Sanchez guesses around a month of physio twice per week and I’ll be back to normal. There shouldn’t be any damage left. Work took it well, too. Due to your perfect help most cases went on relatively smoothly and they appreciated it.”

“Glad, I was able to help.” Catherine smiled brightly and lovingly. She truly was glad she was able to help. It had never been troublesome for her, nuisance or inconvenient. His pure, wonderful Catherine. How could he not love her?

“I’ve got you something.”, Rafael declared softly and gently dissolved her hands from around his waist.

“That wouldn’t have been necessary…”, she tried to reassure him, a beautiful, slight pink blush creeping upon her cheeks and she ducked her head in embarrassment.

“Of course, it is. You’ve been a great help through all of this. It was the least I could do.” Rafael smiled tenderly, his thumb lingering feathery soft on her cheekbone for a moment, his eyes glistening warm as honey. Quickly, Rafael turned around and reached behind the frame of the front door, where he had hidden his little present. Catherine starred at him in awe, when he held out a huge bouquet of roses, their petals shining in the deepest of red, almost the shade of blood, in the afternoon sun. Rafael knew, it was a rather uncreative present and did not show the slightest, what her caring meant for him, but he had not been able to think of anything else.

“Rafael…” Her mouth had dropped and her eyes shone brightly. “Those are beautiful. Thank you very much.”

Carefully, making sure not to smash the flowers, he rested his arms around her hips, pulling her close and kissed her. When they dissolved, she cradled the flowers against her chest as if they were the most precious treasure someone could have given her. Catherine really had experienced way too less good in her life, if a simple bouquet meant that much to her and Rafael promised himself to treat her better, to show her how it feels like to be appreciated and been taken care of. For now, he was content with the result.

“I brought us salad. That’s fine? My cholesterol is a little too high, because of the less movement I had.”

“Nothing to be concerned off?” Her voice shivered a little and her big eyes starred at him worriedly.

“No, Cath. I would tell you, I promise. You’d notice anyway, if something is wrong and you’d be hurt, if I keep it from you. Hurting you is something I will never do willingly.”

“Rafa…”, she said moved and gently rested her forehead against his shoulder, her fingers clenching into his shirt, showing once again her fear of losing him. Rafael cradled her head, swaying her slightly from side to side like a father would comfort his child. Due to their age difference, and his primary definition of their relation, he would never get completely rid of behaving like a father, but it was often not the worst way to react.

“The physio was rather exhausting and I would like to take a shower before dinner. Could you set up the table and tidy up your stuff, please?”

“Yes, okay. Will you be fine?”

“Cath, you’re way too considerate. I’ll be good.” He chuckled quietly and kissed her forehead. “I’ll be right back.”

Catherine nodded and kissed him again, before she picked up the paper bags and left for the kitchen. Rafael looked after her for a moment and sighed, before he walked stiffly into the guest bedroom for a shower.

The dinner went by relatively uneventful, both of them talking about everything and nothing, while the forks clattered over the glassy plates. Rafael had chosen a salad with some fruits in it, while Catherine had got one tuna. Normally, she despised fish in any form, but she loved tuna out of a tin. Likely because it did not taste like fish at all. Her eyes always lit up, when she got something with tuna and she ate more than she normally did. It was something Rafael had noticed early on and he used this knowledge thoroughly, because sometimes, she was still eating too less in the deeply programmed concern to keep something for worse days.

“Rafa?” Catherine rested the cutlery down on her empty plate and watched him through her long lashes. Rafael put his glass of water down and frowned. The tone of her voice was concerning and when he lifted his eyes, he saw, how she was swallowing. “What are we going to do, now?”

Rafael tilted his head in confusion and blinked, while the gears of his brain were running hot. It sounded like a rather simple question, but her gaze and her tone did not suit it. What was she truly asking? To be honest, Rafael felt quite bothered about it. She had complained often, he was not asking the question, he actually wanted to be answered, but she was doing the same right now. Like she was expecting him to be able to read her mind.

“What do you mean, Cath?” Catherine pursed her lips, like she always did, when she was not sure, how to express, what was truly bothering her.

“How are we going to proceed? I only moved in temporarily, while you’re on crutches. It was clear, I would move back to my flat, when you’re healed. None of us would have expected it turn out like this. So, what are we going to do know? Shall I stay here or move back?” Catherine made an awkward, insecure expression. Rafael blinked in surprise. The question had never even crossed his mind. For him, it had been clear, Catherine would be staying here with him. But she was right, it was a matter they needed to discuss. He could not be sure, it was something Catherine wanted, but he wished, she did, because living with her was something he had become used to surprisingly quickly.

“What do you want, Cath? Do you want to stay?” He tried to read her thoughts, trying to figure out, what she wanted. His heart was heavy every time he imagined how lonely his house would be without her. Of course, it would not mean the end of their relationship, but it felt a little bit like that, like a rejection.

“I’m not sure.”, she explained with a quiet, flat voice, indicating her helplessness. “I love you and want to spend as much time as possible with you, but it feels like…like...”

Catherine sighed in frustration and gestured helplessly with her hand, her eyes squeezed shut.

“Like rushing things?”, he guessed. Catherine startled and looked caught. She surely felt, she was letting him down, hurting him. Rafael smiled softly, reached out and grabbed her hand, his fingers rubbing soothingly over her skin to calm her down. Catherine’s eyes darted back up, but when she saw there was no judgement in his face, she nodded.

The longer Catherine starred into his eyes, the more her fear melted and her expression softened. Gently, she reached out and stroked his cheek.

“I’m concerned, it might be too fast. I mean, we know each other for quite a while and are closer than most ever going to be, but…”

“But we aren’t a couple for long.”, Rafael ended her sentence, when she was still trying to find the words, to express the confusing, tight knot inside of her stomach. She nodded, exhausted, yet relieved, he was able to understand, what she could not quite grasp.

“Yes.” Catherine smiled slightly, when Rafael stayed calm and logical like always. There was not a single indication, he was mad or hurt. “I’m still worried that being together 24/7 might be unhealthy for us. I’d feel more comfortable, if I go back. It doesn’t mean, I won’t be here often and to be honest, I would stay here for the rest of week to be sure you’re truly fine on your own and I…”

“Cath, stop!”, Rafael interrupted her softly, chuckling underneath his breath, when her voice became faster and faster with every word until she was almost stumbling over it, trying to justify her decision to ease his pain, she thought she had caused. “Slow down. It’s okay. Everything is fine, love.”

Both of them froze, when they realized, what he had said. Catherine starred at him with wide eyes and Rafael’s heart started to race. Where did that came from? Had it been too fast? And could Catherine please stop starring at him like he was the eight-world wonder?

But then, suddenly, something changed within Catherine. Her blue irises became dark, the calm, clear lake turning into a storm flood. Before Rafael even realized, what was happening, Catherine was on her feet and in the next second sat on his lap, kissing him passionately. Rafael froze even more, but the moment her tongue licked over his lips, a strong shiver ran down his spine and he moaned pleasantly. It was the first time Catherine showed this much of initiative and he liked it _a lot_.

Their breaths were flying, when they dissolved from each other, chests rising and falling and every thought wiped away through the storm, which had come with Catherine.

“Cath, what?” Her lips were back on his, more biting then actually kissing, each touch sparking a fire in his veins. Rafael’s hand shivered on her hip and he pulled her closer. Catherine felt too good in every aspect to be real, like she truly belonged to him. With every moment passed, the kiss grew rawer, being driven of their primal instincts and their consciousnesses beat a retreat.

“I’m sorry.” Catherine laughed breathlessly, when she let go off him. She rested her forehead against his, her hand still resting on his chest, Rafael’s heart pondering against his rib cage and inside his ears. “I got a little carried away.”

“That…” Rafael still tried to catch his breath and chuckled slightly, while her fingers scraped over the fabric of his shirt. “That was more than a little. That was fierce.”

Without him noticing it, his hands had slid to her butt, his fingers rubbing over the small of her back. Catherine shivered deliciously on him and when she looked down at him, her eyes were still as dark as before, but calmer. Catherine gently rested her arms around his neck, brushing through his hair.

“When you called me _love_ , it just came over me. It touched something deep under the surface of my soul. I don’t know, what exactly.”

“I can’t deny, I liked it.” Rafael chuckled again, his body humming pleasantly, when he thought back to the fresh memory, he would store carefully in his mind. “You only took me by surprise.”

“I was as surprised as you were. I had no idea, I had…”

“What? That you had it in you?” Rafael laughed again, stroking a strand out of her face, noticing a little bit of sweat on her temples. Catherine nodded.

“I thought, I had separated that part of me in order to protect myself from the memories and it was locked away somewhere very deep. I thought, I would need to carefully reconnect with this part of me. I hadn’t expected it to burst out like that.”

“Is this supposed to be an apology?”, he asked concerned. It was not a good sign, when feeling desire was connected to guilt for her, though it was not unusual for victims of rape.

“No.”, she explained and sighed, but she did not look like she was despising herself. It was more like she was slowly growing exhausted by herself. The constant taking a step forward and then jumping back seem to be tiring her. She rubbed her temples in a try to order her thoughts.

“Good.”, he hummed deep in approval, his fingers still rubbing over the small of her back without her minding it, probably not even realizing it. _That_ , on the other hand, was a very good sign. “Because I’m enjoying having you on my lap.”

His eyes pointed down and Catherine’s followed his, immediately blushing, only now realizing the way she was sitting on him and she tried to stand up, but Rafael put a hand on her shoulder, not pushing her down, just telling her to stay. She could leave easily, if she wanted to, but she stopped and sat back down, leaning her head against his shoulder. It was a little gesture, but it filled Rafael with gratefulness, because it meant her trust in him was stronger than her fear.

“It’s nothing to be embarrassed of, Cath.” Rafael placed a kiss into her brown hair, lingering for a long time. “It’s actually a good thing.”

“How?”, she asked confused, when Rafael tore her out of her thoughts, before she could bury herself in idiotic feelings of guilt. When one thing had become clear over the time, they knew each other, then it was better, she was speaking immediately to him, before her demons grabed and distorted it. Catherine blinked and her eyes became clearer again, turning back to the crystal-clear ocean. She tilted her head and looked at him curiously. Rafael was glad about it. At least, her self-doubts disappeared much faster than just a few weeks ago.

“It means, your sexuality isn’t lost or tainted.” Catherine’s frown deepened, while she tried to figure out, what he meant with it.

“Come. Let’s go to the couch.” He nudged her gently, before placing another soft kiss against her temple. “As much as I like to have you sitting on my lap, my leg is going dead and there’s something, I wanted to talk about anyway.”

Catherine nodded, although Rafael believed, she did it rather in the automatism of obeying. He saw her concern in her eyes, while she wondered, what he wanted to talk about. Slowly, she stood up and helped him over onto the couch, because his leg truly had gone dead. It tingled and was not willing to carry his weight. Catherine was supportive of him, gently pressing her hand against his chest to keep him from tripping over and guided him into the living room. The sun was slowly setting, painting the sky in that amazing portrait of red and orange, which no artist could ever copy. This ever-returning nature spectacle had something tragic and reassuring. Yes, the sun was fading and in a few billion years, it would destroy itself and earth, but up till then, it would always return.

He settled down on his couch, the leather cool against his skin and he offered Catherine to lay down on him. It was another sign for her, he was not mad, or trying to break up or whatever irrational topic was being whispered into her hear. She hesitated for quite some moments, starring thoughtfully down at him, but she followed his invitation and Rafael saw, she did not do it to comply with his request. She actually wanted to. She wanted to be close to him.

“Cath, I’ve had the impression for some time that you are more afraid of the trauma than of sex itself.”, Rafael started slowly. It was a difficult and unpleasant topic and he was aware of it. It could cause a flashback, it could scare her, but it needed to be talked about. During the hours spent in the waiting rooms today, he had thought about her fear of being intimate with him and how to help her. The only way he had been able to think of was their standard strategy: talking about it.

“How do you mean that?”, she asked confused, tilting her head to look up at him. Rafael returned her quizzical gaze with a serious one of his own, while he tried to put the vague intuitions of his into words.

“I mean, that everything regarded to sex isn’t a forbidden topic for. When we were at your flat for the first time after Nathan cheated on you, you told me casually, you were reading explicit fanfictions and brought up Fifty Shades of Grey. There was no sign of distress or that it was embarrassing for you, but now, you shy away from everything containing or implying a sexual innuendo. So, what is different, now?”, he asked her to keep her involved. This was not supposed to be a speech or monologue. It was about figuring out together, how Catherine could overcome the last wound of her trauma, before she could completely heal.

Her beautiful, blue eyes starred thoughtfully up at him, her forehead laid in deep wrinkles and a strained expression on her face, while she tried to follow his thoughts. At the same time, Catherine was surprised, how detailed he was remembering every conversation of them and how he was able to make assumption from just little side sentences, which never had a big meaning for her. It was like Rafael was able to percept a side of her through her behaviour, she could never see.

“We weren’t in a relationship, then.”, she finally concluded in surprise, her eyes wide. Rafael nodded and buried his fingers in her hair thoughtfully. He was not pulling, but his grip was tight and it made Catherine a little nervous. She tensed above him, her body growing stiff and she tilted her head in defeat, offering her captivators- and that was what he was in this scenario- whatever they wanted from her. Immediately, he eased his grip in her hair and stroked soothingly over her back. Catherine relaxed again and showed the deep trust, she had developed for him and it filled Rafael with pride, she had chosen him.

“Exactly.”, he whispered and pressed a kiss into her hair, breathing in her scent and he almost had the impression, he could smell her trust or it was rather just a vague feeling, which his brain interpreted as a scent. Nonetheless there was the same atmosphere as in the kitchen of his abuelita. A room of comfortableness and yet for many difficult talks. His abuelita had had a sharp mind, always seeing, when something had been troubling him. She would not have let it go, until he had talked, while she had been stirring in a pot. “This makes me believe, you’re more afraid of messing it up. You haven’t had any normal experience in a matter that delicate. You’re afraid of the fear, you think you’re going to have in the moment, which is supposed to be the most intimate and trusted between a couple. You fear you’re damaged for ever through what was done to you. That normal sexuality is unreachable for you. And you’re afraid, you’re going to chase me away with it in the end.”

Catherine let out a shaky breath, which she had held until now and her eyes darted up to him, surprise shimmering in her eyes about how easily he was able to see through her and to understand things, she had been thinking about for years. Her fingers clenched into the collar of his shirt and she shivered, her heart likely clenching in her chest.

“Rafael, I’m so sorry. I know, you wouldn’t.”, she whispered with a painful expression. “I want to trust in us and I trust in you…but not in me. I’m so scared, I’m going to lose you, that I’m going to make a mistake and sex is so important…”

She took in another, shallow breath, when she had used all of her air to obsess over this thought. Rafael stayed calm. Dismissing her thoughts or even call them ridiculous would harm his cause, but her desperate reaction showed, he was on the right track. He hated, he had to hurt her, before he was able to heal her and the painful expression on her face, which she was forcing onto herself.

“Love, take a deep breath!”, he ordered calmly, but authoritative, a tone, which had always worked with her. It was mean to use her survival instincts against her, but he needed to get her out of the spiral of self-blame. She blinked and rose her eyes, begging him not to hurt her. Rafael cupped her cheek and stroked her softly, trying to transport his calmness into her. It took some moments, but then her breath came slower, her eyes falling close and she leaned into his touch, before she snuggled herself back into his arms, trying to find more of his protective calmness. Trustingly, Rafael wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close and tugging her protectively under chin. “I’m not disappointed or angry. I’m only trying to figure out, how to help you.”

“Rafael…” Her voice broke, a strangled sniff escaping her throat and her fingers clenched tighter into his fabric.

“I’m never going to be so upset, I’m gonna leave. I know, you’re never going to hurt me deliberately and there’s nothing we can’t talk through. So, don’t be afraid. Don’t blame yourself, when I’m not.” He placed a soft kiss into her hair, before whispering: “It’s a good sign.”

“How can it possibly be?”, she asked hoarsely and muffled, her face still buried in his chest. Rafael looked down to her hazelnut brown hair, which shone silky in the afternoon sun. He wanted to kiss her, to make it better, but it would only be a temporarily cure and he was looking for a permanent one.

“If it were, you’d shy away, every time I kiss your neck or when a shiver runs down your spine. If you were afraid of sex, you wouldn’t have been that bold with the kiss.” Catherine blushed, hiding her face even more in his chest, her nervousness making her uneasy, but she did not run. The inner pressure inside of her was not strong enough to push her out of his arms. She did not even wriggle. On the surface, Catherine appeared to be calm and only those knowing her would notice she was not. It was a great success. She was strong, so much more than she was able to see. Rafael smiled fondly, his heart swelling with love about her strength. “No need to be embarrassed, Cath. It indicates it’s just your mind being afraid and not the other layers of you. It’s a superficial fear and therefore able to be healed. Your body certainly feels desire and I believe, it actually yearns to experience, how it normally feels like.”

By now, even the tips of her ears were burning red and Catherine quivered from embarrassment. Rafael had to bite his tongue in order not to chuckle. She was adorable, when her insecure, teenage self came to the surface. He kissed into her hair, resting his chin on her head. But it was also problematic, when she was not able to talk openly about sex. To be honest, he had expected it. Catherine had grown up in her grand-parents’ house and it had likely been taboo-topic. She had never learned how to talk about it just as less as she had learned to express her wishes.

“Are you still able to talk?”, he asked a little teasingly, hoping to reawaken her wits to chase away her stupor.

“Hmmhmm…”, she muttered against his chest.

“Okay… that wasn’t a definite yes or no, but I’ll take, what I can get.” He laughed softly. Rafael really should not find her adorable, while she was definitely ashamed of a natural part of her, he would never judge her for, but by God, she was cute and he loved her so much. Actually, so much, it was ridiculous, but oh so wonderful. Why was she not able to get it into her head?

“How do you mean that? The other layers?” Slowly, Catherine lifted her head up and searched for his eye contact. Rafael looked down to her and smiled. Her curiosity and wish to learn, to understand, was coming back, chasing away all those numbing feelings. Her eyes slowly became clearer, brighter and the Catherine he loved most returned. Their trust in each other would always win over any of their demons.

But to answer her question was not easy. It was a rather abstract model of psychology and he did not even know, if it was scientifically founded, but it made sense to his limited knowledge in this matter.

“Do you trust me, Cath?” All he could come up with was a demonstration. He could try to explain it, but it would stay abstract and he was not completely sure, if Catherine was able to understand it in her current condition. But the demonstration was risky. He had to face her with something she would not like first- and that was quite an understatement.

Catherine frowned and sat back onto her lower calf, her eyes fixating him in confusion and scepticism.

“What does it have to do with it?”, she asked cautiously, her voice back to firm and steady and her eyes narrowed.

“It won’t fulfil its purpose, when I tell you, but it will be something that might shock you in the first moment. So, I ask you again: Do you trust me, I would never harm you even if it appears like it?”

Her hesitation hurt less than he would have expected. Actually, Rafael was glad, she had not lost a natural scepticism. A lot of his cases could have been prevented without blind trust. After around a long minute of thinking, in which only the ticking of the clock on the wall disturbed the silence, Catherine nodded.

“Yes, I trust you.” Rafael nodded and suddenly, his throat was tight and his heart clenched. He really did not like, what he had to do and for a moment, he was thinking about dismissing it again, but Catherine needed to be able to see it.

Carefully, he turned them both around, until he was resting on top of her and she laid flatly backwards, her body pinned to the couch by his weight. Catherine widened her eyes, when he grabbed both of her wrists, pinning them to the arm rest. She wriggled, trying to free her hands, but Rafael held them tightly, but not strangulating her blood circle. His heart ached at the fear shining in her blue eyes, but he kept a serious face. And by God, he even had to do worse. Hopefully, he would not shatter everything. That was why he had warned her a little ominously: to prevent it. He could not lose her, but he would accept it, if it made sure, she could overcome her last obstacle.

Slowly, he grabbed the hem of her shirt, riding it up, exposing her flat belly, which was the most scarred part of her next to her arms. Catherine inhaled sharply, trying to twist her hips to get away, but he kept her firmly locked with his knees.

“Rafa…” Her voice begged for her life, while she pushed against his hands again, starring pleadingly into his eyes. Rafael only starred down to her, his face expression an unmoved mask, but something inside him broke in this very moment. He did not know, if it broke, because he had to put her through it or because she looked at him like she truly feared, he was going to abuse her. Maybe, her trust had not been strong enough. “Please!”

Her voice was thin, squashed and hollow, her eyes clouded by the storm of fear. Rafael took a deep breath, hardening himself against everything inside of him yelling at him to stop, before _he_ was going to traumatize her. He rested his hand onto her skin, doing nothing, just keeping it there. Her muscles tensed underneath his touch, her entire body going rigid, but not in the way he had imagined it, when he would touch her there for the first time. He had imagined it to almost be magical, but now, his blood was up and his stomach churned.

“You wanna sleep with me?”, she asked with a voice no one should have, when asking this question. “I will, but please, let me go!”

A single, lonely tear ran down his cheek. She should not offer her body as a payment for her life. He knew, she was not thinking rationally, that her trauma had taken over, but it hurt, she believed, he would hurt her. He felt like he was breaking her in this moment and doing the biggest betrayal possible to her.

“Cath, take a deep breath and calm down. I’m going to do nothing.” Catherine only starred at him, her iris slowly going blank. “What do you feel?”

“Fear…”, she whispered pressed, tears brimming in her eyes. Rafael sighed inwardly and his shoulders slumped. Of course.

“Yes, that’s your mind. What do you feel underneath it?”

“Underneath?”, she asked confused and blinked, her paralysation fading slightly.

“Yes, Cath. What do you feel underneath your fear? Close your eyes and look deeper.” Catherine took a shallow, shuddering breath. She wanted to believe he had a deeper reason to do this. She did not want to be betrayed by him. So, she obliged, if only to calm him down. An old survival strategy of hers. She closed her eyes, when she felt, how Rafael’s hand did not move for several moments and tried to listen, what rested underneath the though morass of fear. It was hard to break through it, but the moment she did, she felt like she was soaring in nothingness. Everything around her was still and calm, the storm of panic raging above her. Deeper and deeper she dove into the lower area of her soul. Suddenly, there was light shining towards her.

“Your hand is warm…”, she whispered, her voice calm, free of fear and panic. She almost sounded like she was in trance. Rafael smiled in relief. It had been a risky manoeuvre and he hated to play poker with his beloved Cath, but he was glad, it appeared to be a success. “It feels…”

She hesitated as if she could not believe, what she was finding.

“Pleasant, trusted.” Rafael huffed a relieved laugh and immediately let go of her wrists. He only needed to hold them for as long as she had needed to break through the surface of her panic. To his surprise, Catherine let them rest, where they were, not pulling them towards her chest to prevent another attack. Catherine’s muscles had relaxed. She did not try to escape his touch anymore.

“That’s your conscious. You’re doing great. Go deeper. Just a bit. What do you feel?” Rafael looked down at the place, where his hand rested on her stomach. Where dark touched bright. Was he the evil part in this? Or would the end justify the means? He prayed, yes he truly did, it had not been in vein.

Catherine nodded and tried to dive deeper into her. It was not easy, because she wanted to stay, where she was, embraced by the soft, warm, white light, which she could only identify as his love transferred into her. It was pure and incredibly beautiful, almost feeling holy to her, like the aura expected to surround angels. Was this, what he was feeling for her? Was this, what she was for him? How he was seeing her? It almost moved her to tears.

Catherine took another deep breath and focused onto the point, where his skin touched hers, trying to sense and percept her lower, more basic instincts. The area of the soul, which normally was not visit able by the conscious if not through hypnosis, but it appeared, her fear had broken up the borders between the layers, how Rafael had called them. This one was the polar opposite to her conscious. It was loud as if thousands of bees were buzzing excitedly around her. Catherine’s soul turned around itself, trying to figure out, where the noise was coming from, until she realized it was her nerves.

“Sparks.”, Catherine answered absently. “Humming… _excitement_.”

Rafael smiled softly. It was this moment he felt his assumption confirmed. Through the separation of her desire from the rest of her soul, she had been able to protect it. If she had not been able to separate physical lust, which had been forced onto her, from mental lust, the act of sleeping with each other would have been tainted forever. She likely would have felt guilty for what the physical stimulation had done to her. Her instinct to cut it off had saved it, made sure, it stayed rather unbroken.

He wanted to stroke through her hair, but he was not sure, if she allowed him to. Slowly, he retreated his hand and pulled her shirt down, lifting himself off her, kneeling down in front of the couch, although his leg was protesting.

“You are amazing, Cath.”, he praised her honestly. “Open your eyes.”

Catherine’s eyelids flattered and slowly opened. Rafael held his breath, nervous how she would react about his attack. Her eyes were clear, when they were completely uncovered and back to her normal brightness. Rafael’s heart bumped inside his chest in the portentous rhythm of ancient war drums. She turned her head to him, her eyes glaring at him, but she reached out. Rafael widened his eyes in surprise, awaiting her to gently cup his cheek. He was even more surprised, when she flicked her fingers against his forehead. Rafael flinched, when the sharp pain ran through him and fell to ground, starring at her with wide eyes.

“Ouch!”, he exclaimed, rubbing the hit spot on her forehead. Catherine glared at him, but she smiled warmly.

“That truly was evil of you, Rafael.”, she said, but she did not sound angry or reproachful, rather exhausted, the excursion into her depth had likely costed a lot of mental energy. “And could have gone incredibly wrong.”

“I know…”, he whispered ruefully, his heart on his tongue but he did not apologize, because he believed it had been necessary. That did not prevent his eyes from shining guiltily, though. “But I knew no other way how to make you understand it.”

Catherine sat up, her feet coming to rest against his knees. She leaned forward and cupped both his cheeks.

“Please, never do that again.”, she asked of him, her thumb brushing over his cheek. “But I think, I understood, what you tried to achieve.”

“I promise, Cath. I will.” Rafael turned his head and kissed her palm gratefully. “Thank you for having that much faith in me to let me do this.”

“Without your warning, it would have likely be the final crack.”

“I’m aware of it.”, Rafael admitted. “It wasn’t easy for me either.”

He slid closer to her, taking both of her hands in his, his thumb rubbing circles over her skin.

“I’m never going to force you into anything, especially not sex.” The moment, she had offered sex in exchange for her safety, had made him aware once again, what she had to endure, when this was her only possibility to protect herself. When she had to give up the intactness of her soul in order to save her life. “Please believe me that, Cath. I could even live completely without it as long as I have you. I love you for your mind.”

“I can hardly believe that.” Catherine eyed him suspiciously, an eyebrow raised. Rafael was not surprised. Sex had been the only thing men had wanted from her so far. Her well-being, her heart, her soul had been unimportant compared to the primal needs of them.

“Thought so, but it’s true.”

“You’re just saying that now.”

“And I’m still going to it say in how many years you allow me to stay with you.” He kissed her hands again, the seriousness of his words shining in his eyes. “If it turns out to hurt you too much, I’ll will accept that and leave this topic behind forever without giving it a second thought or missing it. What we have is more than enough to fulfil me.”

“Rafa…”

“I understand it’s hard to believe for you, so if necessary, I’m going to prove it, but luckily it appears we might not have to.” Catherine quirked another eyebrow in disbelief, but Rafael saw her wish to believe him burning in his eyes.

“I wish it for your sake, because I think it would be good for you to experience healthy sexuality. Sex, desire and lust are not a sin, Cath. It’s just another way of communication and I’d wish we would learn to communicate that way as naturally as we already do.”

“And how are you intending to achieve to break through my fear? You can’t restrain me all the time, so I’m able to reach my deeply buried lust. So, what’s your plan? I know you. You wouldn’t have brought it up, if you don’t have at least an idea how to solve it.”

Smiling warmly, he looked up at her and nodded. She truly knew him. She knew, he did not like to be unprepared.

“I have a vague idea, indeed. We need to make everything regarding to sex normal to you.”

“And how are we going to do it?” Rafael’s heart became lighter, when she said _we_. Rafael chuckled happily, truly happily. He had not lost her. He could have never forgiven himself, if he did, but it felt to him like she made a great step to acknowledge, desire was still resting inside of her, waiting to break free, when the fear above it was gone.

“It’s rather simple.” He shrugged casually. “Talking about it and practising until it finally becomes natural for you.”

Carefully, Rafael stood up, Catherine automatically helping him, and sat down next to her, but when his word sank in, Catherine blushed immediately and buried her head in her hands, the beautiful blush creeping over her cheeks again.

“I can’t talk about sex with you.”, she whispered quietly.

“Why not?”, Rafael asked calmly.

“Because it’s embarrassing.”, Catherine mumbled, while she still hid from him. Rafael huffed softly and cradled her in his arms, resting her head on his shoulder, his hand stroking over her arm.

“Cath, we both learned to talk about everything with each other.”, he said quietly and gently rested a hand on hers, not pulling it away from her face, but encouraging her. “Please, don’t start hiding from me again.”

Catherine sighed in defeat and slowly let her hands sink to her lap, turning her head to him. She was still bright red and she could not keep his gaze, but she was not hiding anymore.

“I know, you likely never learned how to talk about it. That it was a topic, which was forbidden in your grand-parent’s house, but with whom else, if not with me, should you talk about it? I want to do it right and for that, I need information.”

“I’m not a case anymore, Rafa.”, she scolded him half-heartedly and sighed, her head falling heavily onto his shoulder.

“No, you’re definitely not.”, he whispered and kissed against her temple. “But the approach might not be the worst. Seeing it as neutrally and dryly as possible. We’re both rational persons.”

“There’s nothing rational about sex.”, she replied dryly. Rafael noticed, how she was already improving. She did not flinch like she was bitten by something venomous, when she spoke out the word. His calmness and rationality were slowly transferring into her and they reached the level of communication again, what he loved so much. It was the point Catherine left all of her doubts behind and simply told him, what was on her mind. “But you’re right. I’ve never learned, how to talk about it. It was forbidden at home. So, you have to guide me through this.”

He smiled tenderly, fondly, his fingers gently combing through her fine, shiny hair, which glowed in the sun. Carefully, he settled back against the armrest of his couch, pulling her with him, resting her between his legs. Catherine immediately looked for her usual spot on his chest and closed her eyes, breathing out in relaxation, when Rafael wrapped his arms protectively around her.

“That’s something, I’m always going to do.” His voice was sweet and encouraging, leaving no doubt about his promise behind. His soft lips pressed another tender kiss against her temple. He finally felt at ease again. Her confidence in him was strong enough to get through to her even in the mindless state of panic.

He certainly did not deserve her, but he would never say that out loud, otherwise someone else might hear it and would take her away from him. He would never let that happen. A life without Catherine would be dull. “So, I’m going to ask some questions, okay?”

“Shouldn’t I be asking them? Wouldn’t it be easier if I only ask instead of talking about it?”

“Of course, you can ask me whatever you like. I’m going to answer.”, Rafael said quickly, reassuringly. “But I think asking questions is as difficult for you as answering them and we should work on your sexuality.”

Catherine sighed and nodded. He had a point.

“So, what do you like?” It was an unspecific question with a lot of room for interpretation. It did not have to be about sex. It could be a way of touching or a spot she liked. It could be something innocent as resting her head on his collarbone or when he kissed her temple.

“How could I possibly know, Rafa?”, she muttered monotone, almost broken, doubting she could ever give him something normal, something, he wished for. He knew her well enough to hear even those silent questions in the little nuances of her voice. “None experience I made was nonviolent or even voluntary.”

“Was there nothing before you came to New York? Fantasies or dreams?”, he asked a little surprised. She had been 19, when she had flown over the ocean. She might not have had sex or a kiss by then, but most had at least played with their mind.

“No.”, she said pressed and contritely, blushing again. “I only had fictional crushes back then and the fantasies never went further than French kisses. I haven’t even touched myself. Congratulations, Rafael, you got yourself a damaged virgin.”

She laughed bitterly, the sound getting stuck in her throat and she was almost suffocating on it. It was a maniac laughter similar to one of the old Disney villains. Hoarse, cold, full of self-despise. Rafael looked sadly down at the body in his arms, which had slumped completely.

“I love you.”, was the only thing Rafael replied. He knew, trying to wipe those thoughts away would not help in the condition she was in. She was caught in a hamster wheel, which was moving faster and faster. She was too stuck in the thought to free herself from it. The better strategy to help her was to assure her, it did not matter to him. That he was embracing her even with the flaws, she was imagining.

Catherine blinked her eyes open in surprise and rose her head, starring down at him and Rafael looked up at her, his gaze unshaken as much as his faith in them was.

“You’re never going to be a burden or nuisance for me, Cath. Just as less as I was for you during this month. This is what being cared of and loved feels like. I know, you need to relearn that and I will help you.” He wrapped his arms tightly around her and planted several kisses into her hair, onto her forehead, her temples, her cheek until he heard the relieving huff of a sigh and slowly, he could feel, how the corners of her mouth lifted up.

“Rafael…”, she whispered touched, tears burning in the corners of her eyes. Gently, he reached out brushing his soft fingers over her skin, which was such a beautiful contrast to his own.

“I love you, Catherine Amell, with everything I am and I’m gladly filling out, what you’re lacking of just as much as you do for me.” He took her hand and laced his fingers with hers, showing the deep connection shared between them. “You belong to me and I belong to you.”

Catherine sniffed, her eyes blurring from tears, and she wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, burying her head onto his shoulder.

“I love you, too.”, she whispered stifled and pressed her head against his. “So much. So much, that it scares me.”

Rafael smiled softly, stroking through her hair, while she quivered in his arms and decided to postpone the topic. It had been too much for her for a day and she was too uneasy to talk about it any further. It did not matter. They had time to work this through.

Still, he would have hoped her new found confidence after her confession would last longer, but he was not surprised. By starting a relationship, she had become even more vulnerable to him. It was no wonder it scared her every now and again.

Quietly, Rafael began to hum a low, slow melody in an attempt to ease her. Catherine stirred in surprise, the tension in her body fading, her forehead furrowed, the melody sounding familiar to her. When Rafael was sure, he remembered it completely, he sang:

_“Hold on just a little while longer_

_Hold on just a little while longer_

_Hold on just a little while longer”_

Catherine was surprised he could sing. Well, everyone could sing, but he was really good at it. His voice was smooth, deep, powerful, utterly melodic and incredibly beautiful. Sure, Rafael’s voice was very pleasant to listen to, when he spoke. It was deep as an ocean and smooth as velvet. It was a voice, which could calm down a storm or could be as intimidating as thunder, when necessary. All of it had shown, he had a natural feeling for rhythm and melody, but actual singing was something else entirely.

_“Everything will be alright_

_Everything will be alright.”_

Catherine sat up, straddling his hips, her eyes blown wide, when she recognised the song. It was from one of the final scenes of the video game Detroit Become Human, she had played one morning, when Rafael still had been asleep. In the futuristic Detroit, Androids had overtaken most of the work, but slowly, through a dysfunction of their software, developed emotions. The player determined the destiny of three Androids with his decision and depending on those, it varied massively. It was a game with great emotional impact, more an interactive movie than actual game and Catherine had spent several hours accompanying them through their journey to humanity.

She remembered the scene clearly in which Markus, the leader of the peaceful protesting movement, sang this song and had moved her to tears. He had been cornered by the human military on a cold, snowy winter evening, most of his fellow protestants already been shot by the soldiers, while they had peacefully marched through the streets of Detroit. Only around ten out of hundreds had survived. Catherine only had seconds to decide, what her final attempt to save them should be. She had stared at the options, her mind racing, trying to figure out, how each would turn out, but time was short. In the end, she had decided to sing. For her, there was no more peaceful sign than singing. The ultimate gesture of showing, they would harm no one even when they had every right to. Slowly, the other Androids had joined Markus and had formed a powerful choir, who transported their wish to live and to be accepted.

Rafael had walked in on her that morning, finding her starring at the white pause menu, tears running down her cheek. She had not expected he had actually heard the song and could remember it.

_“Fight on just a little while longer”_

Slowly, hesitantly, she joined him. Rafael looked up at her. He did not expect her to join him. Actually, he only had hummed it, because the melody was nice, the lyrics fitting perfectly for this moment and it had the calming charm of a lullaby.

_“Fight on just a little while longer_

_Fight on just a little while longer_

_Everything will be alright_

_Everything will be alright”_

Their voices combined smoothly, perfectly, blending together into beautiful sound. Catherine’s crystal clear soprano full of hope was harmonising wonderfully with his deep, experienced one.

_“Sing on just a little while longer_

_Sing on just a little while longer_

_Sing on just a little while longer_

_Everything will be alright”_

Rafael smiled warmly, gently touching her chin, when she stopped singing, and Rafael ended the song:

_“Everything will be alright”_

Catherine starred down at him, a few, lonely tears running down her cheeks, tears of endearment, not of sadness. Rafael always amazed her with how much he observed, how naturally he knew, what to do to help her and yet she was scared by how quickly her feelings for him became even stronger. She felt like she was bursting from everything swelling inside of her chest.

Rafael sat up and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, his eyes fusing with hers and suddenly, the room between them disappeared. There was nothing separating them anymore. In the evening light, they revealed everything to each other. They became one, their hearts beating in the same tact. It was this feeling of happiness and peace, which scared her, because they were unknown to her. These powerful feelings could not last forever. They must run out, vanish and she did not want to get too accustomed and involved into it. She feared the pain, the loss of it would bring. She could not believe the whispered promise of forever which Rafael gave to her through the kiss onto her forehead.

Rafael, on the other hand, had always been a man, who never used _forever_ or _never_. People change and hid their true selves even from themselves. No one knew, what they were capable of in extreme situations. No one knew, the person they were going to be. Therefore, those words were actually too powerful to be used. But with Catherine, the word crossed his mind easily, slowly turning him from a realist to an optimist. Everything felt easier and yet more intense with her.

Rafael looked over her shoulder, watched how the sun slowly set, only the brim of its crown shining mighty over the ocean. The warm light made Catherine’s hair glistening in every facet of brown: hazelnut, caramel, cacao and golden. If only she would be able to see herself, how he saw her. But this was also a matter for another time. They had achieved a lot today. For now, it was time to rest and let the day end, slowly drifting into another, beautiful dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I think I did not promise too mich last week about it being emotional. It turned out quite unexpectedly, but is it pretentious to say, I love it? 
> 
> Finally, I got the chance to let them sing together and the song is simple, yet beautiful, right?
> 
> Anyway, please let me know, what you think of it :) Next chapter next Saturday as always. We continue to work on it and it gets a bit steamier. Just a tiny bit, but hey, baby steps ^-^- I just hope it's going to be alright^^ it's the first explicit story I'm ever going to write.


	25. Love is playful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael and Catherine celebrate their first month anniversary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I upload the chapter earlier than usually, because I get a spontaneous visitor today and would not have time to upload this evening :)

Catherine tried her best to reconnect with her desires, but it sounded easier than it was. Every time Rafael let the topic slide into a conversation, it felt like she was going numb from shame, her heart pounding so loudly, it swallowed every other sound, while she blushed. Sexuality was nothing positive for her. Her grandmother had been outrageous, when she had asked her about it after the sexual education lessons in school, banning her into her room, where she had sat on her bed, wondering, what she had done wrong to make her wonderful grandma angry. Those days had imprinted into her mind that sex was something sinful and it was a forbidden topic. Now, every time she tried to speak about it herself, it was like her tongue was tied into a knot. It felt like she was disappointing her grandmother again.

She also tried to get used to the thought of changing clothes, when Rafael was present. Once she had been able to take off her shirt, her back towards him, but the moment, she had felt his eyes on her- and she was not even sure, if he had truly looked at her- it was as if _their_ gazes were on her again. The disgusting, poisonous gaze of a predator fixating its prey and, in those moments, she had to run. Worse was, she could sense Rafael’s disappointment and pain, when she fled. When the door fell close, she knew, she had let him down.

Despite that, everything else was perfect, both of them finding their way to work as a couple as quickly as they did as friends. Rafael was way sweeter to her than Catherine would have ever imagined him to be. But that was part of the problem. Because this part of their relationship was almost too perfect, it was more noticeable the intimate aspect was not. Catherine knew, Rafael was holding back in consideration. She sensed, how he was hesitating, before he touched her a little bit lower or kissed her somewhere else than on her face. He always said, he did not mind, but Catherine was not completely convinced.

A month had passed since his cast had come off and they were not much further. Rafael dismissed her sorrows all the time, saying it had been years of trained behaviour. Those could not be undone in a month or two. If Catherine was truly honest, it was his unwavering understanding, which was driving her nuts. If only he would sigh sometimes, if she took his hand away, or rolled his eyes or showed any other signs of annoyance, she would not feel that bad, but he remained understanding, always having comforting words, when she had apologised.

Catherine closed her eyes and took a deep breath, shaking her head to chase these thoughts away. Today was supposed to be a happy day. It was Rafael’s final physiotherapy session and they wanted to celebrate, even though she would have spent the weekend with him anyway. She had moved back into her flat, although it was more of an alibi, because she had spent every weekend in his house and at least two evenings under the week. It was rather she wanted to have her flat as a safe haven. Just in case they were starting to get on each other nerves and she was able to withdraw herself. She still was a flight human.

Once again, she shook her head. Today, they were also together for a month. It was their first anniversary, although a rather small one. She did not want it to be thoughtful day. She took a deep breath and forced her perfectly crafted smile back on her lips. As soon as she would see Rafael, it would turn into a real one anyway and autosuggestion did not always help, but it could ease anxiety.

Catherine took out her smartphone and unlocked it, opening her chat with Rafael.

 _Hey, love._ Her heart became warm every time she wrote it and it brought a smile to her face. _My course is just over and I'm already on the bus. I'll be there in about half an hour. Are you home already? Can’t wait to see you. Three days were too long. Kiss, Catherine_

Once again, Rafael proved he had not got rid of his habit to always be on his phone. His answer came immediately.

_For around an hour. I just showered. Am looking forward to see you, too. Have a safe trip, mi amor._

Catherine smiled and pressed her smartphone against her chest, his endearment echoing inside of her soul. It had simply happened just like him calling her love. One evening, Catherine could not even say which one exactly, he had simply whispered it into her hair and it had felt so warm and wonderful.

Her gaze wandered back to the window and out to the ocean. Just half an hour and she would finally be home, where she belonged.

~*~

“Love, I’m home.”, Catherine called out, when she stepped through the front door exactly half an hour later. Rafael was just closing the protection cover of his iPad and looked up from the lounge. The moment he saw her, a soft, tender smile brightened his face.

“Hello, mi amor.” Who would not become weak in the knees the way he rolled the _r_ with his deep baritone? It went right down her spine and spread into a pleasant shiver. Rafael stood up and walked towards her. He wore the black suit with the red tie and same coloured breast pocket handkerchief she loved so much on him. It contrasted the green sparkles in his brown eyes and the tone of his skin perfectly. He looked stunning, breath-taking and incredibly elegant. Rafael grinned pleased, when he noticed, how she starred at him agape, not able to say a single word, while Catherine felt like a teenager meeting her idol, her mouth dry and her eyes wide. The way his eyes sparkled it was exactly the result he had wanted to achieve.

Rafael stopped right in front of her, so close, she had to tilt her head to look into his eyes. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her even closer. In this moment, her paralysation faded and she smiled warmly up at him. Rafael smiled just as tenderly as she, before leaning in, teasingly hovering just above her lips, until Catherine was buzzing from excitement and she covered the last inch separating them on her own. Both sighed the moment their lips finally touched. The kiss was everything she had missed in the past three days she had not been able to see him. Long, soft and caring. A tender caress, which made her nerves sing, her heart beating fast, her mind soaring and the thoughts from the bus long forgotten.

“Happy anniversary, cariño mio.”, he whispered lovingly against her lips. Catherine’s smile grew wider, softer and she starred dreamingly up at him.

“Happy anniversary, love.” Her eyes shone brightly, but then she chuckled, her head falling to his chest. “A month already. I can’t believe it.”

“Me neither.” Rafael lifted her face up again, his fingers brushing over her cheek, a happy, loving smile brightening his face. “Time had run by so fast.”

“Indeed.” Catherine rested her hand on his chest, playing with the hem of his vest. Rafael wrapped his arms tighter around her, pulling her closer towards him, slightly swaying her from side to side to an inaudible music and the world around them once again stopped existing, the only thing that mattered taking place between them. Time slowed down and they spend several moments just starring into each other’s eyes, communicating silently.

“I love you, Catherine.” Rafael’s words were the only one she would allow to disturb this wonderful silence between them. Catherine smiled happily, although she still found it hard to believe at times.

“I love you, too.” Rafael leaned in and kissed her again. They just could not stop doing so, trying to make up for all the kisses missed in the few days they could only communicate via phone. When they dissolved in desperate need for air, Catherine stroked over his chest, her fingers lightly scraping over the fabric of his suit, careful not to loosen a strand. To her delight, Rafael shivered pleasantly. “You look dazzling in this suit.”

“I know.” Rafael grinned slyly, pecking her lips and his voice dropped low, when he whispered hotly against her ear, his breath tickling her, sending a shiver down her spine: “I noticed, how you’ve looked at me, when I wore it.”

Although she still had problems with sexuality, they had developed a playful flirtation, which she could handle and actually started to enjoy. It was fun to tease and play with him. Slowly, without noticing it herself, she was learning, what she should have learned around twenty years ago, but maybe it was for the best. With Rafael, she learned how it normally should take place. How consent, respectful sexuality should feel like.

“Having such an observant boyfriend is going to be the death of me.”, she giggled and scraped over his chest. Rafael grabbed her hand and tenderly kissed it, way longer than appropriated. Catherine blushed immediately, ducking her head and shifting nervously.

“And you want to tell me, you wear this dress incidentally?”, he asked with a sharp, almost hungry gaze in his eyes. He lifted her hand, making her do an underarm turn of a waltz, the skirt of her red dress swirling around her thighs.

“It seems like we both came prepared.” She grinned and wrapped her arms back around him.

“Hmmhmm…”, he hummed pleased and kissed her passionately. “I wouldn’t have expected anything less from us.”

Then, he took her hand in his again, gently leading her to the couch, sitting her down. Quickly, he disappeared into the kitchen and Catherine noted with relief, he was not even slightly dragging his foot. Nothing in his movement reminded of his accident anymore.

Catherine leaned back, her eyes wandering around the living room, noticing he had even lit up some candles. Not too much for it to become cheesy, but enough to create a comfortable atmosphere. She smiled softly, when she immediately felt at home. Rafael’s house had become her new safe haven after her flat had been tainted. She only had good memories of this place and therefore, it truly had become her home. The place, where she belonged.

Rafael came back with two glasses in one and a bottle of wine in the other hand. Finally, he was able allowed to drink alcohol again, now that he did not have to take antibiotics anymore and she could see on his face, how glad he was. His consume had decreased, but every now and again, he enjoyed having a glass and Catherine had learned to appreciate o share it with him. Rafael sat down next to her, placing the bottle and glasses on the coffee table, sliding his iPad out of the way.

“With whom did you skype, when I came in? I thought, I heard you talking.”, Catherine asked, while Rafael opened the bottle.

“Liv.”, he answered casually, the cork popped soundly and he filled their glasses. “She wanted to know, how my last physio was and I told her about us.”

Catherine froze for a moment, her heart skipping a beat and an uneasy feeling rising inside her stomach, though she did not know exactly why this reveal hit her by surprise.

“You did?”, she asked and turned around to him. Rafael reclosed the bottle with the cork and slid the dark glassed bottle away.

“Of course, she’s my friend.” Rafael furrowed his forehead and took her hand in his, his thumb brushing over its back. “Was there any reason not to?”

“No, of course not.”, she answered too quickly and determined, her fingers twitching in his calming hand. Of course, he would want to tell his best friend, the person he trusted the most and it actually was a happy announcement. At the beginning of their relationship, both of them had decided to keep it secret for a bit longer. None of them had felt up to be confronted with the stormy questions of the squad. They wanted to enjoy their first days together in calmness, undisturbed from the world, when destiny had given them the chance to entrenches themselves in his house, trying to find the answers first, which were going to be asked of them.

But now, a month had passed. It was not fresh anymore. There was nothing speaking against revealing their relationship. Still, Catherine was not sure what her position was compared to Olivia. It was not like they did not come along. The few times Catherine had spoken to her, they had actually quite well, but she knew, how much Rafael valued her opinion and Catherine feared a little, what the Lieutenant would think of them, of _her_ as the partner for one of her closest friends.

“How did she react?” Catherine’s voice was a little unsteady, her nervousness slightly shining through and Rafael noticed it. His eyes lit up, his forehead furrowed even more and he tilted his head.

“How was she supposed to react?”, he asked calmly, squeezing her hand tightly and her hand shivered, growing colder with the raising anxiety. Rafael decided not to wait for her answer, not allowing the insecurity to become stronger. “She was surprised, because I denied it firmly beforehand, but when I roughly explained the circumstances, she understood. She asked me, if I’m happy, what I ensured and she said, it’s all that mattered to her. That she’s glad, I finally have someone and wishes us the best.”

“Oh…”, Catherine whispered contritely and lowered her head, feeling horrible at this very moment.

“What were you concerned about?” Why was he not getting mad? How could he still stay calm? How long would it take, until he would hate her? She ruined everything. She would ruin everything. She even ruined their anniversary.

“You value her opinion a lot and I thought, maybe, if she doesn’t approve of me, then...” She swallowed and wrapped her arms around him, searching for his protection from her thoughts.

“Oh, mi amor.” Rafael sighed and let his head drop atop of hers, his fingers softly playing with hers. “You’re still caring too much about what others think. The only ones, whose opinions matter, are ours.”

“You’re right.” The corners of her mouth twitched slightly in an attempt to smile, but she was not completely up for it. “You knew, what you were getting into.”

“Indeed.” His voice fell with the breath he let out, but he did not sound disappointed, just tired, maybe. “I’m not annoyed. Rather sad, you still have to fight so hard.”

“I’m used to fighting.”, she said with a voice bitterer than intended, her eyes grim.

“That you are, but you don’t have to on your own anymore.” Rafael raised their hands and kissed hers tenderly. Catherine’s heart melted in this very moment. He had a little of a chivalric knight, greeting his princess. Her heart stammered, when his lips brushed over her skin and immediately, the dark clouds of her thoughts scattered, when faced with the warmth of his love.

“No, not anymore.” Gently, she cupped his cheek, fondly rubbing over his prominent cheekbone. Rafael smiled warmly, leaning into her touch, savouring it. Then, he putted her hand down and patted it. Catherine leaned back comfortably, stretching her sore muscles from standing in the laboratory all day long.

“So, how was physio?”, she asked, when Rafael handed her a glass of red wine. “Thank you.”

“It was good, but exhausting. I’m glad it’s finally over.” Catherine chuckled, about his half-hearted complain and turned towards him. “Well, at least, I’m officially healed.”

“Well, then, there’s nothing standing in our way anymore.”, she said happily and chinked her glass with his. “To health and our first month together.”

“And to many more. Cheers.” Both smiled lovingly at each other, reliving their shared memories, an invisible movie running between their eyes. Catherine blushed a little under the intensity of emotions hanging in the air. She settled against his side and Rafael wrapped his arm around her.

“Between, Olivia is probably going to text you soon.”, Rafael mentioned in passing after a while, while drinking another sip from his wine glass, emptying it to the half.

“What? Why should she?” She frowned and tilted her head back to look up at him, her eyes sparkling up to him. “Is she going to try to verify the story of how we got together? Do we need to coordinate our testimonies?”

Rafael quirked an eyebrow, and no one could raise an eyebrow more artistic than he, at her tease and laughed, while shaking his head.

“No, Noah is stuck at a boss fight in a video game and she should ask for your help.” He shrugged. Catherine had played some videogames with Noah, when he had been here and ever since, she was his hero in those belonging and a living strategy guide. “And that’s definitely enough alcohol for you for today.”

Gently, he took her glass from her hand and placed it determinedly down on the coffee table.

“I only had half a glass.”, Catherine protested playfully, trying to catch it out of his hands, but Rafael wrapped his arms around her waist and held her back.

“And it appears to be enough.” Chidingly, yet amused, he looked down at her. “You’re overexcited and your cheeks bright red.”

Her cheeks were indeed burning. Catherine simply was not used to alcohol and especially not after a long day in lab with rarely anything to eat, because her bacteria decided to complot against her and stubbornly refused to insert the wanted genes into their plasmids. Rafael probably was right to take the glass from her, but Catherine would not back down without a fight.

“Noho…Rafa!” Her bright laughter echoed from the walls, while she stretched, trying to reach the glass, but he was faster, always blocking her attempts. “Give it back!”

She struggled, trying to free herself, while they both squabbled with each other. Soon their laughter was filling the warm evening air, while she playfully tried to get her glass back and Rafael did everything to prevent it. It was not about the glass anymore. It never had been. They both just enjoyed playing with each other. The atmosphere was giddy, joyful, while they rolled around on the couch, teasing, tickling and kissing, simply happy to finally have overcome another obstacle and enjoying to be in love.

In the end, Rafael won, pinning her down onto the black leather couch with a triumph smile on his lips, but puffing. Catherine underneath him breathed just as heavily, but her eyes shone competitively, struggling against his grip in a final attempt to turn the table. None of them noticed, they were the exact same position like a month ago, when Catherine was scared to death by being pinned down, but now, she did not even realise it. Either her trust in Rafael had increased or she was too distracted by their game. All she could feel was the adrenaline entwining with her endorphins into an energizing cocktail of hormones.

The moment their eyes locked into each other, they were magically drawn together and met for a kiss, which was rawer, more passionate than anyone ever had been before and the atmosphere shifted into something more primal, the air growing heavy and sparks igniting, dancing a wild tango on their skins.

Catherine sighed deeply, when their lips clashed together like thunder and all those emotions pinned up in the depths of her soul were free, breaking through the surface of her fear. Tightly, she wrapped her arms around Rafael’s head and shoulders, while he gripped her back, pulling her up into a half-seated position. To the sound of their blood drumming in their ears, they both were carried away by the flood of adrenaline, which was unleashed.

Soon, kissing was not enough to soothe the fire burning inside of them, while their sighs and pants created a raw melody, none of them willing to let go and to catch for breath. They slipped closer and closer together as if they tried to truly melt with one another, but even when they were as flatly pressed together as possible, it was not enough. The desire roaring inside of them like a lion was not satisfied. It was not enough. It would never be enough.

Rafael broke the kiss first, claiming another reward for his victory. His lips trailed over her cheek, up to her ear and back down her throat. Catherine moaned quietly, stretching against him and tilting her head to the side to grant him even more access, trusting her pulse point to him, which elicited a deep, guttural groan from him. Rafael sucked and kissed at the weak spot of her, relishing in the trust, she was showing him. Catherine’s fingers clenched into the crinkled jacket of his, while those of her other hand scrapped over his scalp, a shiver starting in the lower region of her body running up her spine, while she tried to keep the balance. Her breath came in short, hot pants, while the fire inside of her was surged.

“Rafael…”, she whimpered. She felt a little overwhelmed by the emotions raging like a storm inside of her, but she was not afraid. Although it felt like every nerve of her was on fire and she was not sure, if she could withstand the flood, she felt secure, Rafael’s arm anchoring her.

Rafael hummed pleasantly at the sound of his name from her lips and gently pressed a kiss to the crook of her neck. The kiss was softer than those before, tenderly as if he kissed something precious and he took several breaths in, savoring her scent. Catherine’s eyes fell close and she let out a shaky breath, her fingers twitching in his hair. This gesture felt very intimate to her, probably the most she had ever felt.

Both of them were not thinking at this point anymore, acting upon something resting underneath the conscious, but even in this situation, Rafael sensed instinctively he was coming to a delicate area. The raw passion turned into gentle tenderness, his lips only pressing soft, feathery kisses to the sensible skin.

Catherine sighed softly, the trembling and the overwhelming flood retreated and she started to enjoy it. Her grip around his shoulder and in his hair softened, the storm turning into a beautiful summer breeze. She felt, how he smiled against her shoulder. Slowly, gently, his lips wandered along her shoulder, while his hand slid down her side, resting on her hip. Catherine turned her head to him, breathing into the side of his face, when Rafael reached the strap of her dress and slowly, she became braver. While Rafael nuzzled at the spot of her straps, her hands wandered to his front, sensing the strong beat of his heart underneath her fingertips. Meanwhile, Rafael devoutly slid her right strap over her shoulder and kissing the bared skin, but Catherine did not flinch. It just felt natural to her like it should develop this way. Was it really that easy? Had she worried for nothing?

Catherine decided he should not be the only one to have fun. A little bit nervous, she unbuttoned his jacket, sliding it down his arms. Rafael immediately let go of her and shrugged it off carelessly. Catherine put the expensive piece of fabric over the back rest, while his lips captured hers again, softly nibbling on the sensitive flesh. Catherine mewled and Rafael moaned from deep down his chest.

It was a beautiful experience overall, how carefully and softly Rafael was worshipping her body. She felt supported and in good hands, not in a single moment being pressured into anything. Although Rafael had taken the lead, Catherine knew, he would always watch her close.

Sadly, as it always had been in her life, her downfall inevitably came and when it came, it felt like an emergency break at full speed, crashing several thousand feet to the ground and falling into an ice bucket. Her body froze, growing tense and rigid, when she felt his hand on her thigh and his growing erection against her groin.

Rafael noticed and stopped right away, dissolving from her. With a concerned gaze in his eyes, he sat up straight, but Catherine did not notice. She was too caught in her flashbacks. She had hurled herself together, quivering and trembling in fear, breathing hard and covering her ears in an attempt to fight her anxiety. But the voices of _them_ came from all around her, becoming louder or quieter, changing the direction in confusing patterns, whispering with a sick laughter, how much she must have liked it. Catherine clenched her hands even tighter over her ears until her wrists turned white in a foolish attempt to mute them.

“Cath…”, a deep and kind voice pierced through her memories, made them lose shape for a moment like wiping through fresh painting. Strong, warm hands wrapped around hers and gently tried to pull them away. Her eyes darted up in fear to be faced with another demonic grin, but instead, she met concerned, honey coloured eyes.

“Rafa…”, her subconscious whispered, recognising him before her conscious did, almost as if it had been calling out for him from deep within and was relieved, he had answered. Catherine swallowed, while she automatically allowed him to lower her hands and to pull her out of this nightmare. In the moment she burst through the surface of her fear, she broke. Tears streamed down her cheeks and she buried her face in her hands, when the weight of her guilt pressed her down. “I’m so sorry.”

“Oh, Cath…” He sounded relieved as if he had not been sure, he would be able to get through to her. Carefully, Rafael pulled her close and tucked her under his chin in their shared gesture of ultimate protection, his arms enclosing her tightly. “There’s no need to apologise.”

“But...you...are…” Catherine struggled with her words, which were not able to fit through her throat together with her sobs.

“I’m not disappointed, Cath. On the contrary, I’m proud of you.”

“Proud?” Cath repeated with a hollow voice, a glint of hope shining within it.

“Yes, Cath.”, he confirmed and nodded. He cupped her cheeks, gently, but briefly kissing her. He did not want to overwhelm her, Catherine knew that, but her subconscious wished he would have kissed her until his love would have chased the darkness inside her head away. “You weren’t scared, when I pinned you down. I was afraid, when I realised, I had. I was ready to apologise, but you didn’t even notice. Instead, this happened and it was wonderful.” He smiled softly, brushing his thumb over her lips. “Do you have any idea, how amazed I was, when you allowed me to slide down the strap of your dress or when you took off my jacket? That it meant, you were enjoying this?”

“I’m not supposed to.”, she whispered automatically conveying, what they had programmed into her brain.

“Yes, you are.” Rafael laughed disbelievingly, shaking his head and cradled her face tighter, keeping her head firmly and gently locked between his hands so she was not able to look down. “It’s exactly, how it’s supposed to be.”

Catherine knew that somehow, but it felt abstract to her. Of course, she knew both partners should enjoy having sex, but it had been beaten into her that she did not matter in this. All that mattered was the satisfaction of others, but Rafael was honest and his eyes were so warm, she wanted to believe it. She wanted this to become her truth.

“They said so.”, she answered monotonously, her body still in shock modus.

“I know.” Rafael huffed softly. “But they don’t matter in this. All that matters takes place between us. I want you to enjoy it as much as I do. I don’t want you to be a submissive, hollow doll, which only lays there absently until I’m done. I want you to be with me at every step of the way. You matter in this as much as I do and you made a major step towards it.”

Catherine blinked, his words reaching a point, which had longed to hear them for so long. Slowly, her blank eyes were filled with the amazing blue of her iris again and a slight, careful smile twitched around her lips.

“So, I didn’t ruin it? I didn’t let you down?”, Catherine asked and finally looked into his eyes again, being with him again.

“No, of course not.” He smiled softly and stroked through her hair.

“But you were…” Catherine blushed immediately, trying to say it out loud, but her mind blocked at every attempt. Instead, she looked down to his lap on which she still sat.

“It doesn’t matter, Cath.”, Rafael replied seriously. Catherine’s head jerked up, fearing she would be scolded, but his eyes shone softly into hers. “Your well-being is more important than a stupid erection of mine. Let me tell you something and I want you to take it in: You can always stop. There’s never going to be a point of no return. No matter how far we are or if we just started, you can always end it without hesitation. I won’t be disappointed. Actually, I want you to as soon as you feel uncomfortable. It’s supposed to be a positive experience for you.”

“Rafa…”, she whispered, tears burning in her eyes. Not once in her life, someone had taken that much care of her, willing to put his wishes last in order to make her feel comfortable. Rafael kissed her fondly, proving he meant every word he had said with such a simple gesture as a touch of lips. Catherine heart began to flatter and her eyes closed automatically, because no matter how shaky she was from the panic attack, she wanted to enjoy it. She wanted to feel his love running through her veins like her blood, because it was just as essential. “Can you hold me close, please? I’m… I’m so cold.”

Catherine hated the helpless sound her voice always got, when she was asking for something. It became thin, losing every bit of self-confidence she had carefully regained, because asking for a favour or to express her wishes always felt like begging for her life. That it was outrages to even dare to do so.

“Of course.”, Rafael declared immediately and pulled her as close as he possibly could, wrapping his arms tightly around her. Catherine clenched into his vest to ensure herself, he was still there, that she was in the present and she had not been lost within a memory of her trauma. Rafael stroked soothingly over her back, his head resting on hers, while Catherine shook violently in his arms, her breath coming unsteady. She allowed herself to live through her panic attack, to be weak and not to suppress it until it exploded. Every memory, every shudder, every sob and sniff were lived out by her. She did not want to feel like this anymore. She did not want to feel this powerless anymore. If she could, she would end it once and for all, but she knew, it was not possible. But at least she could get lost of the emotions, which felt like ice in her stomach.

It took some minutes until the terrifying energy of panic was fading out of her system and she was finally able to breath freely again. Slowly, she dissolved from Rafael, although she wished, she could stay in his arms forever. That she would never have to leave the protection of his embrace, but she wanted to be strong and therefore, she needed to leave. She blinked her eyes back open and immediately felt, how a soft kiss was placed onto her forehead. A little, honest smile lifted the corners of her lips up and she hugged him tight, expressing her gratefulness with it. She heard, how Rafael breathed out deeply and the slight tension in his muscles disappeared, which indicated his alerted mode.

“Better?”, Rafael asked and the only thing showing his concern was that his voice was a nuance deeper than normally.

“Yeah.” The confirmation came out with a deep breath of freedom. She smiled and placed a gentle kiss against his cheek, which elicited a soft, relieved sigh from him. Catherine felt his warmth rushing through her and once again, she believed, she could overcome everything with his help. Sometimes, it still felt too good to be real and she caught herself thinking he might be an angel, though that was too cheesy and definitely not true, but just sometimes, this thought had something soothing.

“You know, you’re truly doing your patron saint justice.”, she whispered with a small chuckle underneath her voice, while she relaxed completely against him. Rafael likely frowned above her. She could almost feel it.

“What do you mean?”, he asked irritated.

“How much do you know about the Archangel Rafael?” Catherine gave up her position on his shoulder and slid back until she was able to look into his eyes. She cradled his head, while she saw so many questions running behind his eyes.

“Not much. I never really cared.”, Rafael declared after a few moments. “That he was a fierce fighter alongside Michael.”

“Yeah, that’s how Pop culture is often portraying him, but that’s not, what the Bible says. Rafael comes out of the Hebrew and means as much as _God heals_. He’s associated with the power of healing. He healed Abraham and Tobit. He’s the patron saint of the sick people and pharmacist.” She smiled fondly, almost blissfully, when she continued: “For me, you’re fulfilling this task perfectly. You’re healing me from the wounds of my past and my soul.”

Rafael looked at her agape, not really knowing, what he should say, his wits failing him this time. Catherine smirked contently. That alone was worth it.

To her surprise, Rafael burst into a whole-hearted laughter, the sound coming from deep of his chest, while he shook his head. Catherine frowned. That was not, how she had expected him to react. She had thought, he would kiss her passionately- that was actually the reason, why she had brought it up- or maybe whispering her name deeply moved- that, too, would have been acceptable-, but with this reaction, he caught her off-guard and confused her. She did not know, what to make out of it.

“Rafa?”

“How can you make me speechless that easily? It never ceases to amaze me.”, he explained, although his laughing had not died yet. “If this doesn’t prove, you’re made for me, I don’t know what else.”

How easily the tables could turn. Now, Catherine was speechless and her sharp tongue refused to come up with a sarcastic or intelligent reply. She thanked her brain for that. She starred at him, while desperately searching for a witty comeback, but all she saw was his grin becoming wider and his eyes softer with every moment she was not able to. No, she could not let him win once again.

 _Come one, brain. Show me, what you got._ , she challenged her brain and it finally started working again.

“But seriously, Rafael. How is it that you, as a proud Cuban, don’t know that? Your whole country is catholic. That should be general education, but no, you need a Briton, who teaches you about the faith of your home and the meaning of your name. A Briton!  This stubborn folk, which created a religion so that his king could divorce his wife. How scandalous is that, please? Dishonour on you. Dishonour on your family and dishonour on your cow.”, she teased him with a wide grin. Ha! Bingo! Rafael blinked in surprise.

“My cow?”, he repeated and laughed, raising an eyebrow and shaking his head. “Is there something I should know about?”

“It’s a Mulan reference.”,  she explained and wrapped her arms around his hips, grinning at him. “So yes, there’s so much geek stuff you should know about. No worry, I gonna teach you in homeopathic doses.”

He laughed again, but this time, Catherine joined, both of them finally completely shrugging of the aftermaths of the incident, returning to the blissful atmosphere of before.

“I love you.”, Rafael said warmly, when the laughter had died. Catherine huffed and smiled one of her softest smiles, one everybody would fall in love with, but she was not aware of.

“I love you, too.” They kissed each other to preserve these feelings inside of them and Catherine could not be any happier.

“You know, what we’re going to do, now?”, Rafael asked ominously and there was that arrogant smile of his, which he always had, when he knew something others did not. Catherine tilted her head and blinked hat him questioningly.

“No, what?”

“We’re going to take a walk on the beach.” He smiled and placed a sweet kiss against the corner of her mouth.

“Really?”

“Hmhmm...”, he hummed and pecked her lips, the corner of her mouth had not been enough for him. “Let’s just change into something more comfortable.”

*~*

To see Rafael Barba, the very prove of how a successful integration and somehow an example of the American Dream, in shorts was one of the weirdest things Catherine had ever seen. She had not even known, he owned some. Rafael simply was not the kind for casual look. It was going all out for it or not at all. But there he stood in front of her in a white linen shorts, a simple white tee and barefooted. It looked like a version of his from a satiric comic strip, but this here was real. He watched her amusedly, while she starred at him in wonder, but then he held out his hand like Aladdin did for Jasmin. Wait, when had her life turned into a Disney movie?

“Cath?”, Rafael asked softly and thankfully brought her back to reality. She smiled at him and trustful took his hand, while they left for the beach.

The sun had already set, the full moon shining down on them, making the ocean glistening silvery in its light. Some stars were out and a soft breeze greeted them both excitedly. The sand was warm underneath their feet and the entire scenery was peaceful. Catherine stayed close to his side and held his hand tight, their fingers laced into each other, Rafael rubbing soothing circles with his thumb and she relished in the wonderful silence. This here was something, she had dreamed of so many times before. To walk on the beach hand in hand with the man she loved, though she had never expected Rafael to be his man. Talking about love being unpredictable, huh? Sure, it was cheesy and it still felt like a dream to her at times, but she could not care less. Out of whatever reason, this incredible man had chosen her as his partner and she had no idea why, but she would never complain, because she did not want to lose him.

Rafael wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her closer to his side as if he had sensed her thoughts. Catherine sighed and closed her eyes, enjoying his closeness. To her, Rafael felt so warm like laying in the summer sun. As long as he was around, she could relax and feel safe. This here, this scene, it was what she had longed for her entire life. Someone, who looked at her, who _saw_ her and valued her enough to care. She had longed for someone to hold her tight, to protect her, to love her, to simply want to spend time with her and to be able to trust someone again. Rafael was all of this and so much more she had never dared to ask of.

Slowly, she lifted her head, finding, that Rafael was already looking down at her. She smiled warmly up at him. Rafael always had such a fine sense for her. What she was thinking, feeling or what she needed.

“It’s such a beautiful night.”, Catherine whispered and rested her own arm around his hip. Rafael hummed in agreement and pressed a soft kiss into her hair.

“It’s indeed.” He smiled fondly and leaned down, kissing her gently, lingeringly and Catherine sighed, her eyes falling close.

The flood came slowly, the cold water of the ocean washing around their feet, bringing them back into reality. Catherine blinked her eyes open, when she let go of his lips. She dissolved from Rafael’s embrace, but she did not let go of him. She walked into the surge, until the water went up to the middle of her thigh, enjoying the water, which flowed around her. She had always loved the ocean, maybe because she had grown up on an island, although she had not seen it much, because they had rarely driven to the coast, when she had lived in the UK. Everything appeared small and insignificant, when facing the calmness of this ancient power, which had been ever since earth existed and still would be there, when she was long gone. Somehow, it felt melancholically soothing, her problems being small in the face of time. Even now, it felt like this. Catherine had gone through hell, there was no doubt about it, but it turned out for the best, although that might sound gruesome. Without it, she would have never met him and that would have been a great loss. It felt like destiny. In the end, everything would turn out like it was supposed to be.

Catherine looked over to Rafael, who had stayed on the dry sand and she smiled at him. Maybe she was showing, what she had thought, because Rafael’s eyes became wide and the expression shifted to something, she could not name, a tenderness, she had never seen in them. Like she was Goddess or something ethereal. Suddenly, Rafael walked into the water next to her. Devoutly, he cupped her chin and lifted her head until she was only a breath away from him. For a moment, they starred into each other’s eyes, the tension between them as strong as the ancient power around them, Catherine’s heart drumming loudly in her ears and then, he kissed her and how he kissed her. It was a kiss like in a romantic movie. Soft, tender, passionate and strong like a nature catastrophe. She became weak in the knees, almost falling down, but Rafael pulled her even closer until she could only stand, because he was holding her, her back arched.

“Rafa…”, she whispered, her hand resting on his chest, when the storm, which had been Rafael Barba, was slowly fading. Just then, she realised, he had blushed, embarrassed and surprised by his own action.

“I’m…” He swallowed, obviously longing for more and yet he tried to find an explanation despite the haziness of his brain, but he would not get a chance to. A wave hit Rafael’s side unfortunately, tossing him over, showing the merciless power of this element. Head over heels, he fell into the water, disappearing in the darkness. Catherine starred at the spot he had stood, not really realising, what had happened. Just a few seconds later, Rafael broke through the surface again, gasping for air and wiping the water out of his face.

“Rafa, are you okay?”, Catherine asked concerned and waded towards him.

“Yeah, just my pride being hurt.”, he grumbled. “It seems like the ocean doesn’t like me.”

“Maybe, you haven’t worshiped it enough.” Catherine grinned and leaned down to him. Rafael glared up at her, but it lost a lot of its effect, because water was still dripping down from his lashes and brows and although Catherine felt pity for him, now that the shock had faded, it was too damn funny to the see great Rafael Barba sitting in the ocean, soaked and the water up to his chin. At least, he had taken off his expensive watch, before they had gone to the ocean. “Come on, let me help you.”

Catherine held out her hand, but Karma was a bitch. As soon as Rafael had grabbed it, Catherine was hit by another playful wave and was thrown over. The squealed in surprise, when she dove involuntary into the cool water. The water muffled the world above her and Catherine scrambled until she finally got hold onto the ground and broke through. Immediately, she spit out the salty water and stroked her soaked hair out of her face.

“Apparently, it doesn’t like you either.” Rafael chuckled next to her, who had already got back up onto his feet. He was soaked to the bone and dripping, his clothes sticking tightly to his body. Not an unpleasant sight, if she had not salty water in her eyes. Catherine sighed, a drop falling from the tip of her nose onto her lips.

“Or your Karma was transferred onto me as soon as I tried to help you.”, she replied and they both burst into laughter. Rafael held out his hand and pulled her back up and both of them left the deeper area of the ocean, before it decided to pull them back in. When they reached the beach, both of them sat down on the shore, the water licking apologetically around them. They were soaked anyway, so it did not matter, when they sat in the shallow. Catherine wrung out her hair and looked up at the sky. Once again, Rafael wrapped his arms around her, resting his head on her shoulder.

“This is perfect.”, he whispered into the night sky. Catherine smiled softly and pressed a kiss into his hair.

“Yes, it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've surpassed the 250 pages *plays a fanfare* Thank you everyone for sticking around for so long. It means a lot to me :)
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter. How did you like their interaction and the new endearments of them both? They have developed a lot over a month, hm? :)
> 
> The next chapter is sadly going to be their first dispute and it's over a quite unsuspected topic. What do you think their first fight is going to be about? I would find it interesting to hear :)
> 
> So, please comment and share your thoughts with me :) I would appreciate it.
> 
> Anyway, next chapter comes on Saturday as always. It's going to be part one of a scene and if it turns out like planned, is going to lead to another great step forward. Look forward to it.


	26. A storm approaches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael asks Catherine for a favor, revealing a concern of his and soon, the comfort turns into a their first fight.

Spring in LA was lovely. The sun was warm, gentle and kind, a soft breeze coming from the ocean and the few flowers were waking up from their winter slumber, stretching out their petal and filling the air with a sweet scent. It was a time of rebirth and of new hopes, a time of restarts or the time of New Year’s resolutions being dismissed permanently till the next New Year’s Eve and the panic of the summer body figure started. It was a time of contrasts, a mirror the ever-lasting circle of life and death. This time, life had won once again and humanity needed to prove it almost painfully and that lead to spring being accompanied by another season, which Rafael Barba hated: the charity event season. It was insomuch insincere from the upper class, it made him sick. Every other time of the year, the upper class threw money down the rathole, worrying about which car should be the tenth and how much prestige it would offer and then, they act like they cared for the poor in the world, but donated so little, it was not more than peanuts to them and then, they blew their horn. It was a show. Nothing more and he hated it. It was not wrong to enjoy the finer things in life or luxury. Rafael was not any different, but they should stand up to it and did not act like they were humble, while paying ten thousand for a handbag. It was all so superficial and shallow. But now, he was not able to avoid it, because it was the event of one of his biggest clients and if he turned it down, his law firm would likely be fired. Sadly, it was part of the job to please his clients. Funny, how being an attorney was not that different from being a prosecutor. It was not like it was a problem for him. He was used to the subtle game of influence and he knew how to play it, but it did not mean he liked it. What concerned him more was another problem coming along with it. It was expected to be accompanied by his significant other. That meant, Catherine was supposed to come with him. If not, he would either be classified as a bachelor, which meant others would be flirting with him, or that the relationship was not going well and neither of it was true. But Rafael had the feeling, Catherine would not be fond of the idea.

“You want me to go _where_ with you?”, she asked him on a Friday evening, when they had just finished dinner, while resting the cutlery onto her plate. Rafael had tried to tell her gently, but she starred at him as if he had asked her to go to a graveyard or a haunted house.

“To a charity gala.”, Rafael repeated calmly, casually, after finishing his steak. “The Entertainment Industry Foundation is one of our biggest clients and they’re raising money for medical research projects.”

“And you need to go…” To say Catherine did not sound fond of his suggestion was an understatement. She looked uneasy, shifting from one side of her chair to the other, while deliberately avoiding his gaze.

“Yes.” Rafael reached out and covered her hand with his. It made her stop shifting at least and she lifted her head, looking into his eyes and she immediately started to stroke his hand, their fingers playing softly with each other. Rafael knew, she did not only do it to soothe him, but also to calm her down, when the anxiety was growing strong inside of her. “And I would really appreciate, if you come with me. It would be a good opportunity to introduce you as my girlfriend to the others and it’s also a good chance for you to do some networking. A lot of influential people of the field you want to work in are going to attend.”

“Rafa…”, she started hesitantly, her fingers twitching nervously in his hand. She licked over her lips, once again avoiding his eyes. “I don’t know, if this is a good idea.”

“Why not?”, Rafael asked and he was not able to hide the slight flicker of disappointment in his voice. Catherine looked back up again, a slight frown on her forehead. She knew, Rafael did not like those events and therefore it confused her, that he sounded sad and he scolded himself for not paying enough attention. Now, she would likely feel guilty for letting him down. Immediately, he saw the trusted expression rushing through her blue eyes.

“I love you, Rafa.”, she assured quickly, trying to ease the pain, he was not feeling and she squeezed his hand. “And there’re a lot of things, I’d do for you, but this…I don’t know, if I can do this. I don’t think it would be a good idea to accompany you.”

Her voice trembled, even the thought of going to such an event causing massive stress on her. Rafael sighed, closing his eyes, the disappointment feeling heavy inside his chest, but he also felt bad for bringing it up, when he had expected her to react that way. He should leave the topic, smile at her and assure her, it was alright, but the truth was: it was not. Well, not entirely. Actually, he had looked forward to it, enjoying the idea of sharing this evening together. Ever since they were a couple, they hurled themselves together in his house, enjoying their loneliness, but if he was truly honest with himself, and he laughed inwardly at the thought, he wanted to do all that cheesy couple stuff. He wanted to go on dates with her, to show her around. He liked the idea of them standing at the bar, watching this obscene, ridiculous show of absurdity, making fun of it like they had, when they had been on the Hollywood Boulevard. He was curious of how she would look like in an evening gown. Was it wrong, that he did?

Once again, there was the question, whose needs counted more. Hers or his? Was it selfish he wanted to convince her to come, although it was obvious how the thought alone made her anxious? Rafael sighed inwardly, stood up and sat down next to her.

“Cath, look at me!”, he whispered pleadingly and gently cupped her chin.  She hesitated, but followed his wish, her blue eyes glistening guiltily into his. “Why do you think that?”

Rafael swallowed, suddenly an idea coming up, he had not thought about yet, but could make sense and scared him a little.

“Are you ashamed of me?”, he asked with a surprisingly thin voice for him and he tried to swallow the lump in his throat. Catherine widened her eyes and leaned back, simply starring at him with an open mouth and Rafael felt himself confirmed. He did not like the feeling, which was setting inside his guts, making his stomach clench. He did not like, how insecure and vulnerable he suddenly felt, how weak and small and insomuch different from his usual self. He was not sure, how to handle this other, new side of him, which only came to the surface with her. They had never talked about their age difference. Maybe it was the reason, why they never went on dates.

“What?”, Catherine asked aghast, still blinking disbelievingly at him, sounding like he said an absurdity. She frowned, narrowing her eyes and tilted her head. “Of course not. That’s nonsense, Rafa. I literally threw myself around your neck on the campus in front of hundreds of people, most my fellow students, and we weren’t even a couple, then.”

“I just thought…” Rafael took in a deep, shuddering breath and shook his head about himself, suddenly feeling ashamed and he lowered his eyes, shaking his head. “I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do. Please, tell me, Rafael.” Her hand shivered in his and she covered them with her second one. Rafael saw on her face, she already knew, what he was going to say. She just wanted him to face it. “You asked me not to start hiding from you again. Please, don’t do the same.”

She pleaded at him not to throw their trust away, her eyes begging him to swallow his pride and even speak out the obvious dumbness, he had been thinking. Rafael sighed. That was not the turn of events he had expected and he felt incredibly stupid by now and that was not something he was not used to. He had always been the clever one, but it seems like he had turned into an old fool- at least for a moment.

“I thought…” His words stopped, failing him. Why did he felt so embarrassed, when Catherine already knew, what had troubled him and she only wanted him to admit it to himself? Rafael sighed and lifted their hands, resting his forehead against it, because he simply needed more contact with her, more surface to let the intensity of their connection seep into him. He took a deep breath, letting the warm, trusted feeling flow into him, filling his veins and soothing the fear, which subconsciously controlled him more than he had noticed. It seemed like she was not the only one fearing that this between them was too good to be real and that it inevitable had to end at one point. They both just believed it to eventually happen out of other reasons. “I fear, you’d be ashamed of me, because I’m much older than you. I just hadn’t realised it until now. I thought, you don’t want to go with me, because you feel uncomfortable due to our age difference.”

“Rafa…”, she whispered surprised, when she heard the shame, which made his voice tremble and sounded so different than his usual voice. Catherine pressed a hard kiss against his knuckles, resting her head against their hands to share and endure his vulnerable moment with him. They were both so close physically and mentally, it was almost hard to endure, the intensity of their emotions coiling between them like a tornado. This simple, compassionate gesture of her felt so intimate and soothing, Rafael felt his mask crumble, the rather calm façade melting into a strained expression, his eyes squeezed shut and a tremble running through his body. He felt as naked as when he had revealed his feelings for her, a Rafael coming to the surface, which was still hard to accept as a part of him. It was a side he had never liked and therefore had suppressed stubbornly. Now, he had to find a way to embrace him. “I know we’ve never talked about it. Maybe, that was the mistake. I’ve never mentioned it, because it doesn’t matter to me. Not at all.”

Rafael raised his head, starring disbelievingly into her blue aquamarines, which shone softly, yet stubbornly, the well-known fire burning in her eyes. Rafael normally loved this expression of strength, but this time, it shocked him, hitting him with brutal intensity. The moment she realised it, it became softer and she rested her hand next to his eyes, the touch making him look up.

“I don’t care, how old you are.”, she continued and smiled softly at him, love shining in every word she said: “I love you for who you are and for what you do for me. I love you for being strong, fierce, righteous, intelligent, sarcastic and supportive. I love, how soft, warm, tender and loving you are around me, how you make me feel safe and strong, how you’re able to understand me better than I do and make me face my fears and overcome them. I love you for making me accept my flaws and expressing, what I need, that you make a better person out of me. What’s age compared to this? It’s a part of you just as much as your cultural background, the colour of your eyes or your hair, the form of your nose or your lips. It makes you the person I love the most.”

“Cath…” She really should not be this wise in her age and it still surprised him at times, how she was able to say the right words to make him emotional, tears burning in the corners of his eyes.

“I actually feared you’d be ashamed of me on this event.”, Catherine continued, before he was even able to find words, which were an appropriate answer to her confession, and she chuckled weakly and her smile turned downward. Rafael’s head snapped back to her, his eyes big in wonder.

“Why?”, he asked confused and frowned. How could he ever possibly be ashamed of his strong Catherine? How could he be anything else than proud to have her by his side? A woman, who had survived against all odds and stayed the warmest, kindest person, he had ever met.

“I’m going to embarrass you. I’ve never felt comfortable on such events, not even back in UK. That was Jeffrey’s game. And now? It’s going to be even worse. I still have problems with crowds. All those undefined rules to follow and impressions are going to storm onto me and they’re are going to overwhelm me. I’m going to have panic attacks and you’d have to look after me next to handling the social obligations. What would your co-workers and clients think, when your partner is afraid of them? That’s not very professional or good for your reputation. And what are they going to think of my scars? What am I going to say, if they ask?”

“Oh, Cath…”, Rafael whispered and gently stroked a strand of hair behind her ear, revealing her beautiful face with those incredible, deep eyes. “I think you’d blow their mind.”

“I’m sorry, Rafa.” Catherine looked sadly, painfully into his eyes. “But I _can’t_. Just the thought scares the hell out of me.”

“Okay…”, he gave in and let out a deep sigh, still not able to completely hide his disappointment. He smiled fondly at her and kissed her forehead. “I understand.”

Her face melted into an expression of agony as if he had said, he would break up.

“Rafael, please stop.” She stood up, driven from the uneasiness, which was her guilt and shame.

“Stop what?” Rafael followed her with his eyes, but still sat on the chair to give her the space between them, which she needed right now.

“Being so damn considerate.”, she almost screamed desperately, her voice cracking. She swirled back around to him, tears flying out of her eyes. Rafael was surprised by her sudden desperation, which made her aggressive. Her fingers clenched and unclenched into a fist, showing her inner tension. “Stop playing with me.”

“Playing?”, he repeated stunned, shaking his head, his muscles in his neck tensing slightly and his voice growing louder. “You’re joking, right? Me?”

“No, I’m not!”, Catherine exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air. Rafael stared blankly at her, while he shook his head aghast.

“How do you get this idea?”, he asked, when he found his voice back and took a deep breath trying to stay calm, but he had temperament and once pushed over, anger always boiled quickly and hotly inside of him.

“Because you’re never yelling at me or become annoyed. All you do is being damn considerate.”

“Wait, wait, wait!” Rafael raised his hands, starring at her in disbelief, not sure, if he heard correctly. “Just let me get this straight: You’re mad, because I’m not becoming angry?”

“Yes!”, she hissed like a snake. Catherine had stopped pacing up and down and swirled around, her eyes sparkling darkly at him. Rafael only had seen her angry once, but the expression on her face showed, she was blinded by whatever was whispered to her. She was not seeing clear, her mind having latched onto a thought and she would not let it go.

 “Are we really starting to fight over this?” Rafael could not believe it. He must be dreaming. When had the loving atmosphere of before turned into this? He did not know, if he can endure it to fight with her. Every word of her was as sharp as a knife and cut into him, hitting a nerve. Normally, he let words roll off his shoulder, but not after revealing so much of him and not with her. Desperately, he tried to figure out, why she became angry suddenly. There must be a reason, what made her so afraid, she needed to cover it with aggressiveness.

“Yes!”, she shouts painfully loud, her fingers clenching into the kitchen counter and her face distorted into an ugly mask of anger. “Because it either means that you don’t care much or that you put yourself last. I hate both possibilities.”

“You really can’t be serious.”, he grumbled in disbelief, rubbing his temples in order to keep himself calm, but it was becoming harder with every other second, feeling, how anger twisted his stomach into a tight knot. He did not want to scream at her, but he could not take much more of it. He breathed indeeply and sighed, his voice sounded hard, like a growl of a cornered wolf: “Okay, fine. Yes, I truly wished you’d come with. Yes, I’m disappointed. Happy now?”

His dark eyes glared at her and he grit his teeth, the vein on his neck prominently shining through his skin.

“No.”, she exclaimed, tearing at her hair, tears burning in her eyes. Once again, Rafael noticed, she was no really angry, she was desperate. She was no able to understand, how he could accept all of it, her mind twisting it to made her belief it meant, he did not care. That it was nothing more than a dissipation for him. “Why didn’t you say it?”

“Because I love you.” Rafael sighed in exhaustion and defeat, slowly becoming tired of doing it over and over again. It tore on his strength. He wanted to endure it all. He knew it was only an episodes of downfall until the sun would shine again and the better times were worth all of it, but in those moments, he did not know, how much more he could take. It felt as if her darkness tried to swallow him, too. “And I want you to express, what you need. Saying, what you don’t want to do is part of it as well.”

“See?! You’re doing it again! Stop treating me with kid gloves!” That was it. That was enough. Rafael’s anger boiled over, pouring itself into his guts, setting his temperament on fire. He did everything for her, he endured everything for her. Yes, he pushed back for her and that was the thank for it? He stalked up to her, his eyes narrowed dangerously, stopping close to her, too close to be comfortable.

“And what else am I supposed to do? Shall I force you to come with me?” His voice was low, hoarse and dangerous, almost threatening. “Shall I grab your arm, toss you into a dress like a doll and drag you into the car? Who would be helped with that?”

He breathed heavily, his chest rising and falling, while he starred into her eyes and Catherine glared back, but he discovered, her fury was only the first layer, underneath it her iris’ shook in fear and pain and he understood suddenly, where it was coming from.

Catherine had lost her job due to taking care of him. Before she had moved in, she had agreed with her manager to take an unpaid month off. During this time, Rafael had paid for her living cost, so it would not be to her disadvantage. Sadly, the manager had switched during this time and Catherine, trustful as she was, had not written down the agreement. The new manager had not known about it and had fired her for her absence. Rafael knew it was against law, but she had revealed, she had not wanted to work there anymore. She had felt uncomfortable with her co-workers. So, he got her a compensation.

Of course, Catherine hated this situation. She had no money left anymore, her entire inherited money being spent by now. Her only luck was, she had paid her flat beforehand for the duration of her study, because she had wanted to be on the safe side. The job had only been necessary to cover the living cost. But now, she was broke and even more depended on Rafael. He did not mind at all. He was paid well and had quite a lot of savings, paying for her food and clothes did not made much of a difference and if he was honest, he was glad she had given up her job. Catherine had been on the edge and at the end of her strength for months. The triple burden was taking its toll on her. Just when she had got rid of two, University decided to increase the stress and intensity. There was not a single day she was not on the campus for at least eight hours and afterwards, she was learning, doing lab reports, presentations or exercises, which were conditions for taking the exams and these were about to start in two months. Her nerves were raw and therefore she gave a testy reply, making mountains out of molehills and her fear being highlighted. And in such a situation, he came up with a situation, which was pure stress for her. He should have expected it.

Rafael took a deep breath and let the fire inside of him burn down. He felt tired. It was hard, it was rough and he did not want to fight anymore. They needed to stop before they passed a point both of them never wanted to reach.

“We both should stop right here, before we say words, which can’t be undone and we’re going to regret.” He rose from the chair and turned around, heading for the bedroom.

“Don’t you dare to run away, Rafael.”, she screamed in fear and in desperation, sensing, she was losing him.

“I’m not.”, he sighed and shook his head, his back still towards her. “But it seems like I’m the only reasonable one at the moment. I’m sorry, you don’t know, how a healthy relationship feels like. I’m sorry that my support and consideration scared you. I’m sorry, you’re still not trusting me completely.”

He closed his eyes, squeezing them shut, his pain audibly in every word.

“But I won’t allow you to blame me for it any further. We should continue this conversation, when we both have calmed down and are able to speak about the real reason.”

“We are.”, she said with a much weaker voice, but Rafael shook his head.

“No, we’re not. This is not the reason, why you’re blindly yelling at me and it doesn’t make any sense to continue shouting at each other.” He had reached the stairs and his heart sank with every step he took. At the middle, he stopped, closing his eyes and whispered quietly, but loud enough for her to hear it in the deafening silence of the room separating them, which suddenly felt so much bigger: “All I wished for was to dance with you. I’m sorry, if this was too much to ask for.”

Then he left her, before they tore each other apart and destroyed this beautiful flower blossoming between them and he did not want it to be ruined. His heart ached in pain, the dispute sapping his energy, hanging like a dark cloud above his house, which was normally bright.

One hour later, after lying in bed and starring at the wall, he came back down and was not surprised to find, that Catherine was gone. Running away still was her first instinct and all he found was a short note in a shabby handwriting, telling him she had left. Catherine’s hand had obviously shaken from anger, when she wrote it.

For the first time Rafael felt like they might not win, when such a small thing could turn into such a disaster. Maybe, they were not for eternity.

~*~

The thought still hung above him one week later, the dark cloud had never left his heart. Without Catherine it felt like all the colours were fading out of his life. He was still working efficiently, he had learned this level of professionalism over the years, but it sparked no joy anymore. It was empty, almost senseless. Catherine had brought warmth into his life and now, it appeared cold.

Rafael sighed, when he straightened the sleeves of his tuxedo, closing the buttons and adjusting his bowtie, while looking at himself in the mirror. He looked tired and exhausted, carefully hidden under his expensive clothes and elegant appearance, but he saw it. Rafael saw the dark circles under his eyes, craved into his skin by concern. His normally bright, clear irises were dull. He had tried to contact Catherine a few times, but it had been all in vain. Out of whatever reason, she did not want to have contact with him and this cognition hurt him. He had hoped just a few days of silence would be enough to clear their heads, then they would meet again, talk through it, like they always did, and then, they would laugh about this nonsense. But it appeared, Catherine had been more afraid than he had expected and she needed more time and space than he had wished for. When had that happened? When had he become that involved and dependent? When had he fallen that strongly for her, he became miserable, when they were not fine? That all he wanted to do was to turn back time and make it undone, although he knew, he could not avoid their first fight forever. Given to her trauma, it actually was a surprise it had taken so long, but it did not make it any less painful and he started to fear, she would decide to run away forever, that she would believe she was toxic for him. He was afraid their love was nothing like a storm- strong and intense at the beginning, but gone just as soon as it had appeared.

But Rafael had his pride and he absolutely refused to see why he had to do the first step and beg her to talk to him. It was not his fault, but it was not Catherine’s either. Rafael was not such a fool to believe, she had wanted to fight or to blame him. He knew, it had been her anxiety, which had yelled at him. That was why he did not even expect from her to apologise. She would not have to try hard. All he wanted to do was to hug her tight and held her until her voices were muted again, but she was not giving him any chance and that with such a relatively harmless dispute. How would real ones look like? How much would they damage?

Rafael swallowed, but then took a deep breath, composed himself and forced a smile onto his lips, which he would need to participate in the spectacular game of disguise and masquerade. It was not his best and it would not have been enough to fool those, who knew him, but for the guests of today, it would be more than enough. No one would care to look closer at him. No one would ask him, if he was alright. None of them would be Catherine or Olivia. Why was it he was always losing those closest to him? Maybe, Catherine was wrong. Maybe he was the one who did not deserve to be happy.

He needed to stop. All those haunting questions could not be answered alone and it would not help to bathe in his misery. This had never been his way. If Catherine and he truly loved each other, and he believed in that, they would come around, but it did not stop his heart from aching.

Another deep breath was taken in an attempt to calm down and order his thoughts. This was not the time for it. He would wait for the weekend and then think of something. Well, his appearance was appropriated. Time to get this over and done.

Rafael was surprised, when he found Catherine sitting on his couch, her hair tied into a messy bun and dressed in her most comfortable, protective sweater and joggers.

“Cath.”, he whispered breathlessly, his heart suddenly racing inside of him.

“Rafa.”, she said as quietly and stood up, her heart likely pounding just as loudly as his. She appeared shy, yet solidified in her decision of whatever she was going to say.

“What are you doing here?”, he asked, his throat suddenly dry and tight, the distance between them appearing wider than it was.

“I… I didn’t want you to leave like this…”, she whispered, her fingers clenching into the fabric of her sweater. Rafael went down the stairs, stopping right in front of her. The spell between them was back immediately. All he longed for was to reach out and hug her, to feel her close, to smell her scent and taste her on his lips, but he needed to hear, what she had to say first. Catherine raised her head, her eyes burning with shame, sadness and longing and she shuffled her feet in embarrassment. Rafael’s urge to protect her rose inside of him, but he resisted due to his hurt pride. “With this standing between us.”

Catherine gestured with her hand, framing the distance between them, which both wanted to bridge so badly. She looked just as bad as he did. Her hair was greasy, the circle under his eyes were dark, the skin of her face sunken. She likely had not sleep and then all the stress at University.

“I’m so sorry, Rafael.” It looked like she wanted to reach out to him, but her hand fell down mid-way. She was not sure, if she was allowed to touch him yet, if she had earned back the right, but he was not ready yet. Her reproaches still echoed inside of his mind. She had to do more than this. Catherine took a shuddering breath, when she felt his rejection. “You were right. I was not mad with you. I was frustrated, I couldn’t fulfil your wish, although I saw, how much you wanted it. I hated myself for letting you down once again. I felt guilty and ashamed, I wasn’t able to offer you such a simple thing and yet, you were so gentle, warm, kind and understanding. I felt overwhelmed. I didn’t know, how to handle it. It was too much and increased the feeling of guilt. Therefore, I snapped and let it out on the wrong person because of the wrong reason.”

Rafael’s heart melted with the guilt, which was entwined with every word she said. She was miserable and he saw it in her body language. Catherine sighed heavily and lowered her head, sniffing quietly.

“I’m so sorry, Rafa…”, she whispered, a single tear rolling down her cheek and she looked back up at him, her eyes begging him to forgive her. “So very sorry. Please forgive me.”

“Oh, Cath.” Rafael smiled and wiped her tears out of her eyes, what made her gasp, before he pulled her tightly into his arms. Oh God, it felt so good to have her back, where she belonged. It felt like he was finally being complete again. “Of course, I forgive you.”

Catherine stiffed in surprise on how quickly he forgave her. Obviously, she had expected she had to beg. For over ten years, her life had only been about being humiliated. She was used to eat crow to gain affection, but of course it was not, what Rafael had wanted. All he had wished for was for her to understand, what the real reason had been.

Rafael lifted her head, smiling warmly into her quivering, emotional eyes and kissed her gently, pouring all of the love into it, which was racing inside his veins.

“Rafael…”, she whimpered, when he dissolved and pulled her back against him. She buried her head onto his shoulder, her fingers twitching against the fabric of his tuxedo. Rafael looked softly at her and leaned his head into her hair, happy that his nose was finally filled with her lavender scent again. He took a deep breath and enjoyed the trusted feeling of her body against his.

“I missed you.” Rafael pressed a long, soft kiss against her temple, making her whimper again. She still thought she did not deserve to be forgiven that quickly or his kindness or any of it.

“I missed you, too.”, she said with a cracked voice from tears, pain and loneliness, mirroring all the emotions they had felt in the past week. “So very much.”

She pressed her forehead against his, desperately searching for his closeness, trying to overcome the distance, which had been gaping painfully between them and Rafael gladly allowed her to. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close, feeling how they were slowly reconnecting and the wounds on both of their hearts healing through the presence of the other.

“Te amo, cariño mio.”, Rafael whispered with a low, raw and yet smooth voice, into the space between them, which contained all of his emotions. Catherine shivered in his arms as if she was feeling cold and nodded, her fingers clenching into his shirt, wrinkling it, but Rafael could not care any less. The gala, and his reputation, did not mattered in this very moment. All he cared about was that she came back to him and they were good again. “I would never do anything to harm you. All I’m trying to do is to support you with everything within my power, because I want you to be happy.”

He pressed a desperate, long kiss onto her forehead, squeezing his eyes shut and involuntary expressing all the ache her words had caused him.

“I know.”, she whispered, with pain in her voice equally to his. Her fingers clenched even stronger into his shirt and her shiver grew stronger. “I do, now.”

“Good.” Rafael smiled and let go of her, wiping the tears out of the corners of her eyes. Catherine shyly lifted her head and let go of his shirt. Rafael leaned and kissed her again. This time, she returned it, her lips moving against his in relief, while she cupped his cheek, her fingers stroking softly over his skin. “I’m glad, you’re back.”

“I’m sorry, I blocked you off.” Catherine smiled uncertainly, but she did not lower her gaze. “But I needed the space to order my thought and I couldn’t do that with you around. I knew it was risky and might have turned into burying myself into it, but I needed to do this on my own. Otherwise, my demons could have said, you manipulated me again.”

“I understand.” Rafael looked at her and nodded slowly. “I just feared you’d come to the wrong conclusion. But I should’ve known better. You’re so much stronger than that. I should have trusted in it, in _us_.”

His smile became softer, warmer and he gently ruffled through her hair until she was laughing again, this lovely bright smile enlightening her face.

“You truly believe we can overcome everything?” Catherine looked up at him, hope glistening in her blue eyes.

“I’m normally not a man to believe in always, but with you it feels possible.” He kissed her softly, lingering on her lips. Catherine seemed to melt under the touch, her body going boneless against him and he held her up like had done so many times and would do in the future.

“But one thing, Rafa…”, she said, when they dissolved and cupped both his cheeks pleadingly. “Please be honest with me. Tell me, when you feel disappointed or sad. Don’t keep that away from me. I want you to be happy, too.”

“But I am happy, Cath.”, he laughed gently and placed his hands on her arms, rubbing over her sleeves. “Yes, it isn’t always easy and I’m aware, I have to invest a lot into this relationship at the beginning, but the moment you smile at me, I know, it’s all worth it. I’m so incredibly happy, I’m saying such stupid, cheesy things that I’d used to laugh at.”

“Rafa…”

“I know, you’re putting as much into it as I do, it’s just not that obvious. The only thing, I’m truly sad about is, how hard the battle inside your head still is, how hard you have to fight to get, what you deserve.” He rested his forefinger against her cheek, gently tracing the salty line, her tears had left behind. Catherine closed her eyes at the soft gesture and her smile became honest and kind.

“Sometimes one side wins, sometimes the other.”, she said casually, while she pressed her cheek into his hand. “This time, the fear had won.”

“And next time, the other will win.” He caressed her cheek. “Or it won’t. It doesn’t matter. In the end, you’ll come through. You always will.”

“How can I not love you, when you say things like this?” Her blue eyes shone brightly up at him, the sweetest smile on her full lips.

“How can I not love you, when you smile at me like this?”, he replied and wrapped his arms around her waist. Catherine laughed in amazement and happiness, shaking her head at him, but he knew, it had been the right words to say. “You’re right, mi amor. It was not right from me to suppress my emotion in order to make it easier for you. You’ve never been the person for the easy way. So, here’s the deal: I won’t hide it from you anymore, but I will never stop being understanding and supportive. I will never force you into doing anything. I will say: I’m sad you can’t do it, but I understand and accept it. Can you accept these conditions?”

“Yes, I can.” Catherine nodded and smiled warmly at him and suddenly the world seemed so much lighter. Their dispute was settled. They had won and he thanked God or whomever for it. Catherine lifted herself onto her toes and kissed him, kissed him in a way only she could. Softly, gently, sweetly, kindly. A kiss which inherited the perfection of the world, which could never be achieved, but everyone hoped it would exist.

 “You look amazing in this tux by the way.”, she whispered, when she pulled away, her fingers running down his chest, leaving a warm trail behind. Rafael smiled softly down at her.

“I hope, it’s not just the tux.” He smirked, quirking an eyebrow.

“It would just be a tux without you, nothing more than a mesh of fabric. You’re not looking dazzling, because of the tux, the tux is beautiful, because you wear it.” She reached out and began to adjust his shirt and bowtie, which she had disheveled and Rafael’s heart swelled in this very moment at the way she always cared and looked after him. Seriously, how could anyone not love her, when she said the sweetest things so casually? But this moment only highlighted, how much he wished she would come with him. How much he wished to have a rather normal life, where they would help each other get ready for a party, she helping him with his bowtie and he her with the zipper of her dress.

“Isn’t there any chance I could convince you to come with me?”, Rafael tried one last time, although he already knew the answer. To his surprise, Catherine did not flinch and there was no shame burning in her eyes. Instead, she simply shook her head, showing, how much she had grown, how much she could grow even without him and it was perfect. She did not need him to become stronger. She had it within her all along and he was incredibly proud of her. Whenever she was healed, she would be a wonderful woman. One he would gladly accompany on her path.

“No, there isn’t.”, she said softly and rested her hand on his cheek. “I’m not in the condition to accompany you, _yet_. The mere thought is freaking me out and neither you nor me would enjoy the evening, but I gonna promise you one thing: I will work on me until I’m able to accompany you one day and we’re going to have a lot of fun. We’re going to drink and dance and laugh at all those present, my darling. Just not today.”

Rafael smiled and this time, he did not feel disappointed or sad. She had found the right words, his heart swelling at her new endearment.

“Okay, mi amor.”, he whispered and kissed her softly onto the forehead. “I understand. Shall I cancel tonight and stay with you?”

“No, love, don’t put yourself last again. It’s important and I’ll be fine.” She rubbed over his cheek and smiled warmly, encouragingly. “Go and don’t worry about me, my love. Blow their mind. Be brilliant. You have to represent the both of us after all.”

“In moments like this, I love you the most.” Rafael chuckled and kissed her quick and sweet, making her grin wider. “Will do, but promise me one thing. Don’t work for university tonight. I admire your ambition, it’s a characteristic I own as well, but I’m a little worried you’re overworking yourself.”

“No worries. I buried myself in work last week so I wouldn’t give in to the temptation of contacting you, when I hadn’t figured myself out. Everything is already done. From tomorrow on until Sunday, it’s just you and me in our bubble.”

“That sounds very tempting. Can’t we jump to that point?”, Rafael rumbled deep and low. Catherine laughed as an answer and gently slapped his arm. He chuckled with her, catching her hand and resting it onto his heart, his thumb rubbing her palm. “Then use the time to relax. How about trying out the whirlpool?”

“Hmm, you know, how to treat a girl.”, Catherine hummed pleased and kissed him soft and long, gently nibbling on his bottom lip. Rafael sighed and sank into the sensation, a delightful spark running down his spine. By God, he was helplessly in love with her and he enjoyed every second of it. Sadly, a honk pulled them out of their bubble. It was time to leave for boredom. It was strange, how a gala with the brightest people of the country was boring compared to an evening with Catherine on the couch.

“I have to go, now, love.”, he whispered and kissed her quickly. “I won’t be late.”

“You should be. Please, Rafa, don’t come back, because of me. Come back, when you’re done and not a second earlier. I’ll be here waiting for you.” One last time, she adjusted his bowtie and then gave him a quick good-bye kiss. “I love you, Rafael Barba.”

“I love you, too, beloved Catherine Amell.”

“You have to win in everything, huh?”, she asked, her eyes finally sparkling playfully again and she gently slapped his chest. Rafael chuckled and kissed her forehead.

“Bye, Cath. Await a lot of text messages about how bored I am.”

“See you tonight and don’t text, while playing the game of masks.” She winked at him and laughed along with him. He gave her a final kiss, lingering on her lips until he tore himself away, before he would not be able to leave. He turned and walked through his front door with a relieved smile on his lips. Even through darkness and pain, Catherine had become stronger. His heart was light again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate writing fights. I can stand it in real life and even less in fiction, but I know it was necessary for them. I'm glad, Rafael stayed relatively calm, her accusation had been hard. At least they were able to make up within this chapter. How was it? Did you expect that? I'm very uncertain of this chapter and would appreciate your opinion.
> 
> So, here is the first part of our two part arch, which leads to a major step for Catherine. 
> 
> I could need your help. Their Birthday's are fast approaching. I have an idea, what Rafael could give to Catherine, but Rafael comes first and I have no idea, what she could give to him. Do you have any idea?
> 
> Anyway, the next week's chapter is already written :) so, I have a bit of time to take a breath and think about how it's going going to continue. If it turns out like I have it in my hear, there's already the next arch coming up, but only at the beginning of the new, fictional year :) Have a nice weekend, you all. =) Subaru


	27. The game of masks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael is bored to death, but in the dark of evening comes the light of surprises

An everlasting game had begun. A play rehearsed for centuries was staged in which every actor felt trapped. They were the last of a world with no escape. All sins had been dared. The virtues were rehearsed, all curses had been said and all blessings had been revised. The ugliness did not disgust them and beauty seemed mundane for ages. The good deed did not teach them anything. They evil deed did not matter to them, because all the miracles had happened and all the boarders were destroyed. They had seen every picture and had heard every word and all sounds had been heard to death. And everything, everything that happened helped them overcome the time. Time was getting old and tired and the wine stale. The air was humid and stuffy in the hall of mirrors in a scene, which could have come from a past so very long ago and would not be any different. They were all here in this ballroom in one of the oldest buildings of LA, which was young compared to any other antique building in the world, and awaited yawningly the apocalypse to spice up their lives. They were marionettes, dancing to an old, never changing dance of reputation. Rafael, on the other hand, was watched by invisible eyes and everyone was waiting for their chance of a rendezvous. He was not caught in this mesh. He was a new member and actor, who promised a fresh wind and excitement, providing an escape from the dreariness.

He stood at the bar, a scotch in his right hand, surrounded by a bevy of humans of whom he knew every name, but could not care any less and had a conversation all of them knew every word of. It was as if this room, with the high ceilings and the magnificent stucco, piles and marble, had fallen out of time with all those people in their elegant dresses and the expensive tuxedos. This room could have been in the 1950’s in Berlin or in Versailles. Nothing really had changed. History repeated itself even in the smallest of things.  Rafael found it ridiculous and insincere, but the game of masks was as old as time.

Slowly, he understood, what Catherine had meant with feeling lonely, while being surrounded by people. Everyone was talking to him and he answered automatically in the established way. He was good in it, but no one noticed, he was not with them, that his thoughts where somewhere and with someone else. Someone in the present and not in the fragment of the past of another culture, which they tried to preserve.

Okay, maybe he was a little too cynic and snarky, even for his standard, but he was frustrated he had to be here instead of doing, what he really wanted to do and kept him from where he wanted to be. This entire scenery would have been fun to watch with her, but without Catherine, it felt dense and senseless. Rafael sighed and emptied his scotch, his eyes lingering on the puppets dancing to the choreography of a non-existent puppeteer like they were hanging on a wire, not able to see their freedom or they did not want to see it. They wanted to be captivated, willingly setting themselves limits, although they were supposed to be the elite. Was it true the more intelligent you were, the more you wanted to be taken away from you? The upper class always separated itself through rituals and rules from the ordinary people. It appeared even more senseless to him, now that he had seen through Catherine how hard the fight was to regain freedom. How it looked like to be caught, while being free. It showed him, how precious it was and he would never give it up voluntary.

He shook his head, while he watched them dancing Viennese waltz. Who the hell had the idea to simulate a ball from a long-gone Europe and then twisted it in the typical American way? Annoyed, he rubbed his temples, when he was all alone, the other’s finally gone. If he had to fight off another woman trying to flirt with him, he was going to have a splitting head ache. He took out his smartphone, acting as if he was busy, but inwardly hoping, Catherine had answered since her last message an hour ago, but there was no notification. He sighed again, putting it back into his pocket and turned to the bartender, ordering another drink. The young man with the brown hair and grass green eyes smiled sympathetically at him, likely thinking he was feeling lonely. Rafael smiled back his false smile, until he got his drink. He took a deep sip of the liquid, the known, trusted feeling of fire running down his throat.

“I know, it’s not traditional, but may I ask for this dance?”, a warm, soft female voice asked behind him. Rafael groaned inwardly, taking a deep breath to suppress an annoyed sound, which would be inappropriate. He turned around, already forming a polite rejection in his head, but the moment, he saw the woman, the words died in his throat.

“Cath…”, he whispered breathlessly, his eyes widening in surprise. Catherine really stood in front of him, smiling warmly and yet smugly at him, her eyes glistening like aquamarines in the light of the glassy chandelier above her head.

“Hello, love.”, she said, tilting her head teasingly, her grin growing wider.

“What are you…doing here?”, Rafael asked stutteringly, blinking rapidly several times, his quick mind failing him. He just could not believe it. Catherine was here, relaxed and free of anxiety as if this was the most natural thing. As if this ball had not been not the reason of their first argue, the reason of her completely freaking out.

“Rafael Barba is stammering?”, she quipped. “That alone was worth it.”

“You’re really here, aren’t you? You’re not just an illusion I wished here?” Rafael took a step towards her, his heart stammering inside his chest and he reached out, resting his hand on her cheek to make sure she was truly here.

“No, I’m a ghost. Boo!” Catherine chuckled brightly, carelessly, not showing the slightest hint of her being scared.

“I can touch you, mi amor.” Rafael quirked an eyebrow, slowly coming back out of the stupor of his surprise.

“Damn, my dematerialization modus must be broken again.” Rafael laughed together with her and shook his head, while taking another step up to her, cradling her face and brushing his thumbs over her cheek. Catherine closed her eyes, visibly enjoying the touch of his fingers and she pressed a gentle kiss into his palm.

“But seriously, cariño mio, what are you doing here?”, he asked, still stunned about her showing up. “I thought, you were scared.”

“Oh, I was.”, she declared and leaned into his touch. “I still am, to be honest.”

“Then why are you here anyway?” He could not deny, he was curious. The pain of their fight still echoed faintly in his soul and now, she acted like it was no big deal. It felt strange to see her this brightly, when she said she was scared. Was she starting to wear a mask again? Had her apology also been just another mask? Was she withdrawing herself from him, because she feared to be a burden? But she was here, despite her fear. That did not spoke for it.

“Because of your last text message.”, she explained. “Or rather my reaction to it.”

“What do you mean?” Rafael frowned, tilting his head to the side. His last message had been full of whining, misery and self-pity and he was actually disgusted by it, which should have been a clear sign, it had been enough scotch for the day. It had a lot of a drunken text message to an ex.

“I felt like I should be here.” Rafael startled, his eyes becoming wide and a hot shudder of shame emptied above him. He lowered his eyes, feeling miserable. He had forced her. His message had made her feel guilty and therefore she felt like she had to be here.

“Cath, I’m sorry… I just had to rant. I didn’t want to make you feel like you had to come.”, he whispered, all his shame and pain open on his tongue.

“Rafa, you don’t understand. I’m not here, because I feel guilty.” Catherine shook her head, huffing softly, while cupping his cheeks, her soft smile soothing the anger he felt for himself. “When I read your message, I noticed that I _want_ to be here with you and believe me, I’m as surprised as you are.”

“Cath…” It was all he could come up with, his brilliant mind turning blank.

“You make me that much stronger than I ever believed, my love. With you, things become possible I never thought would be. I’m becoming brave with you. I felt like I could be able to endure this and maybe even have fun, because with you, everything is so easy.” Rafael’s heart stopped beating for several moments, her powerful words needing time to reach him, but when they did, a wide smile spread across his face and he wrapped his arms around her, hugging her close to him, her body perfectly fitting into his and kissing her tenderly, expressing all that was within him. How could he have ever believed that they were not meant for each other? How could he not love her, when she fought in every minute and every hour to become the person, she wanted to be for him? How could his heart not pound in his chest, when she kissed him like this?

The kiss lasted longer than both of them expected, neither of them willing to let go, to be even an inch apart. They needed to feel each other and to escape into their bubble for a little moment, relishing in their love.

None of them noticed, how they were watched, curious eyes resting on the couple, which behaved so strangely. Honest love and showing affection were something new. Catherine Amell and Rafael Barba turned into rebels against dreariness without even noticing it. Whoever would watch them in this moment, however, could never possibly doubt their love.

When they dissolved, they starred deeply into each other eyes, willingly drowning in the mirrors of their souls, which reflected their shared emotions. Rafael smiled softly, his fingers gently tracing over her cheek, before he finally did, what he should have done first. He stepped back, taking her hand in his and looking closely at her. Catherine understood and slowly, insecurely turned around herself. Her black dress danced around her thighs, the silvery laces on her tulle skirt glistening like dew in the warm light of the chandelier. It had a high collar and long sleeves, hiding most of her scars from curios eyes, but as prudish as the front appeared, the more daring was the backside. It had a back neckline from her shoulder blades down to the small of her back. It was simple, elegant and exciting at the same time, suiting her perfectly. To underline this impression, she wore no jewellery expect for a golden brooch resting between her collarbones in which an emerald was edged. The warm light of the candles broke on its surface, making it shine in the most amazing facets of blue and green. It looked like her eye colour had been crafted carefully into gem. Rafael felt himself caught by the play of colours just as much as he always was with the one of her eyes. Immediately, his gaze wandered back to her face. Just like her dress, her makeup was simple and natural. Her brown hair had been styled into tight corkscrew curls and pinned up into an elegant bun, only two strands framing her slim face with the high cheekbones.

Catherine had blushed under his intense gaze, lowering her eyes and scraping her feet over the floor, showing how nervous and uncomfortable she actually was. Rafael walked up to her, gently lifting her chin and smiling fondly into her blue eyes.

“You look absolutely breath-taking, mi amor.”, he whispered, his fingers brushing over her lips.

“Do I?”, she asked shyly and slowly lifted her eyes back to his, finding courage in his topazes. There would never be a time, he would not find her adorable, when she was embarrassed with the bright blush on her high cheeks and how she scraped her teeth over her bottom lip. “Not too simple?

“No.”, he whispered with a deep voice, while shaking his head. “You look stunning.”

“You only say that because you're in love with me.” Her voice became even quieter, trying to hide her embarrassment with teasing. Rafael chuckled softly, while wrapping his arms around her loosely.

“Maybe.” He pecked her lips, but then leaned towards her ear, whispering lowly: “But if that’s the only reason, why are three men already having an eye on you, although I’m marking my territory quite obviously?”

“Are you jealous, Rafael?” Catherine’s nervousness seemed to fade, the blush disappearing from her cheeks and her eyes sparkling mischievously, while she rested both of her hands on his chest. 

“Of course, I am. You’re the most amazing person in this room. I would blame them, if you’re not in the center of everyone’s attention.”

“Please don’t say that. I’m already nervous enough.” She swallowed slightly, but then lifted her gaze again. “And there’s no need to be jealous, my love. I belong to you. I always did and I always will. It’s you and no one else. It always has been.”

Her eyes shone with the intensity of honesty, leaving not a single doubt behind.

“Cariño mio…”, he whispered speechless, which really happened way too often with her for his liking, but he also could not mind. Who could not fall for her head over heels, when she said things like that? When she plastered him with the sweetest words? He kissed her, pouring all of his gratefulness into it, cradling her face lovingly. “You shouldn’t say that aloud. I can become quiet possessive. I might never let you go.”

Catherine chuckled, tilting her head and quirking an eyebrow elegantly.

“And who said, I’d ever want you to? I’ve already given you everything of me voluntary.” Lovingly, she rested his hand above her heart and hers onto his. Her dress was soft underneath his fingertips and her heartbeat fast like a hummingbird. “I love you, Rafael.”

“I love you, too, my wonderful Catherine.”, he said lovingly and he promised himself, he would do everything to never lose her. He could not survive without his light anymore. How dependent he had already become on her. Not that he minded. He liked the version of himself that he had become through her more than his old self.

“You really always have to win.” Catherine smirked and chuckled, massaging the back of his hand absently. She let go of him, taking two steps back, before she made a perfect curtesy, her dress bulging like a black blossom around her. “So, may I ask for this dance?”

Rafael had forgotten about his surroundings, he had forgotten about the soft orchestral music playing or the ghosts of the ancient time swirling around each other, but he did not care. He did not know what to make out of her submissive gesture, even her head tilted downwards. She looked exactly like all those women in the historian dramas, he had been forced to see with his grandmother.

“Cath, what are you doing?”, he said immediately, trying to get her back up on her feet, sensing all the gazes of all those present in his neck, suddenly feeling embarrassed himself. “Come up!”

Catherine lifted her head, her eyes sparkling in the most beautiful, mischievous gleam, he had ever seen on her.

“If we have to fall out of time, then we should do it accurately and with style.”, she declared, smirking widely. “Going all out on it or not even trying at all. That’s just how we are.”

Rafael snorted, shaking his head at her, but he had to admit, she was right. None of them were up to in between or banality. They were perfectionist and if the organizer had decided, they would go back in time to the 17’th century, then they should play along.

“You’re right.”

“So, do you accept or do I have to kneel like this forever?” Catherine grinned flashy and Rafael felt his heart swelling with pride and love for her, smiling fondly. How much she had grown over the time, he knew her.  It had not even been a year since they had met again and yet, it felt like he knew her for a life time. It was astonishing, how much could change over such a short time. They had grown close, became friends and then had fallen in love and he did not want to miss a single moment. All their tears, pain, laughter and smiles had led them here, creating this wonderful present.

“Of course, I do.” He held out his hand to her, smiling warmly. Catherine huffed in relief and chuckled, before taking his hand and being pulled back up onto her feet. Rafael covered the distance between them, taking her left hand, his right resting on her hip. “Do you know, how to?”

“You wanted to dance with me and have no idea how to?” Catherine rose an eyebrow and chuckled, shaking her head. Rafael only grinned and shrugged innocently. She huffed and rolled her eyes at him. “Yeah, the basic steps. For this charade, it’s good enough. But are you ready to pass the lead on to me?”

“It’s such a hardship.”, he groaned playfully, before pecking her lips. “But I think I can endure it for you.”

“Oh, how gracious.” She rolled her eyes again, gently slapping his chest, before going back into stance.

“Love you, Cath.” He loved to put her off, to see, how she froze, the words falling from her mind. Catherine blinked rapidly several times, before she laughed and whispered softly:

“Love you, too.” As if he did not know it, but he loved to hear it anyway. Then, she led him to the circle, where some couples were dancing, while some had obviously watched them with great interest. Rafael noticed their curious, suspicious or confused gazes, but he did not pay attention. All he wanted to focus on was right in front of him and smiled warmly at him. Her hair shone in the warm nuances of brown. Catherine was beautiful and anyone else saying otherwise was blind.

One last time, they smiled warmly, starring into each other eyes, but as soon as a new bar started, Catherine overtook the lead, guiding him through the steps of this classical dance. Rafael had never liked dancing. He had learned the rudimentary basics years ago and then gladly stored them somewhere in the deepest corner of his mind to never use them again, but today, he wanted to and he tried to remember them, but he was rather clumsy, stepping onto her toes several times. For his luck, Catherine was much more skilled than he and she truly guided him through it, showing him the next steps with little tucks on his hand, soft touches on his hip or nudges of her feet and Rafael was a quick learner. After the first few rounds around the ballroom, he had figured it out good enough not to hurt her any further. It might never become his favorite occupation, but it achieved the goal he had hoped for. With every bar they danced, her face lightened up, her eyes glistening brightly and she chuckled happily every now and again. She may be working as a scientist, trying to figure out the mechanism of the world, but her heart belonged to art and music, to the way to express the beauty in the world. He had known it ever since he had seen her dancing out the pain of being betrayed. Music was her way to express, what could not be put in words. It was her escape into a world, where her anxiety could not reach her anymore, blowing all her sorrows away with the wind. Embraced by the soft sound of violins, she could finally be free. She was not awaiting the next flashback or was not scared of the shadows swallowing her. Her past was left behind. In the music of the night, she could be free and it was all he had hoped for. This alone was worth every time he humiliated himself by stepping onto her feet. Catherine had fun, although she was in a situation she would normally be scared of and when she smiled, she was the most beautiful person in the world- physically and mentally- and in the light of the of the chandeliers, he fell in love with her all over again.

“And? Are you satisfied, Rafael?”, she asked, when the dance ended and she closed the distance between them a little more. “Was that, what you’ve expected?”

“Much more.”, he whispered fondly, pressing a soft kiss against her forehead. “You look happy and beautiful, when you dance, mi amor. I’ve fallen in love with you all over again.”

“Rafa…” He could hear her fast pounding heart in her voice, starring at him in surprise, but then, her face expression softened. “When have you become such a romantic?”

“I have no idea.” He chuckled and rested his forehead against hers. “You must have bewitched me.”

Catherine laughed and gently slapped his arm, glaring up at him.

“But if you did…”, he continued quietly, before she was able to make a witty reply and cupped her chin. “Please, never make it undone.”

“Rafa…”, she whispered again, but this time, his name was not airy or soft, it was dark from concern. She cradled his cheek, her fingers brushing over his skin, trying to soothe him. “Is something wrong? You’re acting a little weird.”

Rafael shook his head, dismissing her sorrows easily, resting his hand above hers, his thumb rubbing over her palm.

“Nothing’s wrong. I’m just slowly becoming one with the person, I had hidden from myself for so long.”, he explained, the heaviness of the world in his voice. “You make me so much better and happier, Cath, than I’ve ever thought I could be. Not just you are becoming the person, you’re supposed to be.”

She blinked in surprise, her mouth falling open and he kissed her, pouring all the love and tenderness of his heart into the touch of their lips.

“Thank you for coming here, Cath.”, he said, before she was overthinking his confession. “I know you only did this for me.”

“Surprisingly, it’s not as scaring as I feared it to be.” She huffed and looked back up at him, the concern disappearing out of her eyes. She cupped his face, stroking next to his eyes and Rafael closed them, enjoying her warmth, which was transferred into him. “So, is there anyone, I should meet?”

“Oh, so many and you already made a great first impression.” Rafael chuckled and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. “Come along, Cath, time to play the game of masks.”

~*~

Rafael led her to a group of four: three men and a woman, who stood next to the buffet and had taken care of themselves, their plates filled with deliciously looking food and their glasses full. They chatted relaxed, obviously knowing each other for a while.

One of them was Desmond Miles, the CEO of The Entertainment Industry Foundation. He was at the same age as Rafael, but with awake, green eyes and brown, short hair. It was quite funny, how different the hair styles of the women were, while all the men had rather the same one just varying a little in the length and colour. He was tall, lean and wiry, doing surfing and riding the bike in his free time. In his youth, he had done parkour, but he had grown too old for it, he had said. He was the person Rafael worked the most for at the EIF and he was a rather pleasant person with a bright, sharp mind, but rather laid back for a CEO. Differently to those of a commercially driven company, it was not all about money for him and he cared about his employees. Rafael liked that and he was quite sure, Mister Miles would be a good conversation partner for Catherine, who had tensed a little beside him, her hand twitching nervously in his, though he was quite sure there was no reason to. Catherine had been to events like this in UK and she would get back into the studied rituals of small talk soon enough and even if she did not, her natural charm would win them over.

“Barba.”, Mister Miles called him out and rose his hand. Rafael smiled and unnoticed to the group, squeezed Catherine’s hand encouragingly. She looked up at him, her smile flickering a little, taking a deep breath and nodding. As soon as they reached him, however, Catherine had put on her mask, showing the most perfect warm and friendly smile. Only Rafael, who knew how it truly looked like, saw the artificiality of it, saw how the corners of her mouth did not lifted quite high enough to be real. He saw the slight tension in the muscles of her jaw and noticed, how her fingers clang onto his hand for security. “It seemed like you’re finally starting to enjoy the gala. Well, who wouldn’t with such a beautiful companion?”

The green eyes of Mister Miles flashed brightly and there was a teasing smile on his lips. Catherine frowned slightly, not completely sure, if he was truly teasing or just being a jerk.

“And she’s just as smart.”, Rafael teased back and revealed the answer to her, while shaking Mister Miles hand again, though they had spoken to each other before. Catherine understood his hint and relaxed slightly next to him. “Mister Miles, this is my girlfriend Catherine Amell. She’s currently doing her master in Genomic Microbiology. Was that correct, love?”

Of course, it was. As if he did not know, what she was studying, but it would ease the atmosphere and Catherine and it would immediately show the dynamic of their relation, making clear, she was not a social climbing slut and he was not her sugar daddy, who needed a much younger girlfriend to not feel old. Despite, it was the kind of humour they liked and his plan succeeded. She narrowed her eyes slightly, glaring at him, but then she huffed and chuckled.

“Yes, it was and you know it. It’s not such a complicated term like supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.”, she replied with a smirk, gently puffing his arm. Rafael looked at her, surprised that it actually had worked better than he had expected. The group also starred at her in wonder, but then smiled and if Catherine was nervous, she did not show it. Rafael was always surprised about how fine her sense for a situation were. Catherine always felt the energy and able to adapt her behaviour. She had noticed that this was a relaxed group, which did not like the formal rituals and therefore, she had thrown away those she had learned.

“And she’s quick on the comeback, I see.”, the woman replied. She had strawberry red hair, which fell in beautiful, elegant waves over her left shoulder, while on her right side, the hair laid smooth to her scalp, held back by a silver hair clip. Despite most women here, she was wearing a dazzling, close fitted black pant suit, a white blouson with a black bowtie, an extravagant belt and high heels. It was clear she knew, how to prevail herself against the men in her business, knowing how to adapt to men’s world without losing her womanly. She liked to play with standards, showing creativity and ambition with it. Catherine was impressed by her the moment she took the time to take her in. Rafael sensed it. He noticed, how Catherine suppressed a shaky breath.

“Cath, that’s Misses Miranda Moore. She is the Acquaintance chef for The Entertainment Industry Foundation. It’s her job to pull the money out of the pockets of high society.”

Misses Moore quirked a neatly plucked eyebrow, smirking at the description of her job.

“You make it sound like a bad thing, Mister Barba.” She grinned and shook her head. “They have more than enough. It does not hurt, if they share it a little. We just have to encourage them. I’m more like Robin Hood.”

“Despite the stealing part, I hope. Otherwise, I have some objections.”, Rafael replied casually.

“What the eye does not see, the heart does not grieve over.” She winked at him, before turning towards the buffet, placing two shrimps onto her plate, her heels clattering over the marble. Rafael looked over to Catherine, who appeared a little helpless. She did not dare to step in.

“It’s nice to meet you, Miss Amell.”, said the youngest man in the group, even younger than Catherine, and held out his hand. Mike Ross was a handsome man with black curls, ice blue eyes and an eye-catching mole just above the corner of his lips. He was the founder of a start-up, which worked on determining food allergies through a blood test. It was one of the companies EIF was raising money for tonight. He was incredibly clever man with a clear vision, but who had absolutely no idea about business administration. EIF had seen his potential and therefore helped him in this area. They were his supervisors and funnily, Rafael was theirs. He was supporting Mister Pearson, the legal advisor and last man of the group, when he needed an advice, especially when being sued by profit-oriented companies, which felt threatened. Sadly, charity companies were often sued.

Catherine looked up and smiled, relieved of being saved by him and shook the offered hand. She smiled beautifully and if Rafael did not trust that much into their love, he might have grown concerned, but he knew, there was no danger for him despite Mister Ross being handsome- even he had to admit that.

“Barba said, you weren’t feeling well.” Mister Miles looked at her honestly concerned, though he likely suspected it had been an excuse of Rafael.

“Yeah, I’ve overworked myself a little the past week. I had to do three lab reports and a test coming up.”

“Oh, I remember those times.” Mister Ross groaned, sighing heavily and stroked through his thick curls. “I’ve gained a pretty bad coffee addiction back then I’ve never gotten rid of again.”

“Really? How so? As far as I heard founding a medical start-up is the best rehab for coffee addiction.”, Catherine replied sarcastically, quirking an eyebrow and made everyone else laugh, breaking the ice and making Rafael proud of her.

From this point on the conversation developed naturally, Mister Ross asking Catherine a lot about her study and what topic she would like to write her master thesis about. Catherine answered eagerly with the passion in her voice and brightness in her eyes Rafael knew so well. When the conversation became too technical, Rafael was out, but he smiled warmly, while Catherine blossomed. How could she had ever believed not be good in this game of conversation and convention? As soon as she had lost her shyness, she handled it perfectly, falling back into the schemes she had learned in her childhood. She was bright and awake, listening closely to everyone talking and showing interest, asking questions, showing her wits and charm. If she was the bad one in her family, Rafael would have liked to know, how her brother could possibly surpass it. 

When he was truly out and the other’s talking shop about newest discoveries in the field of biology, Rafael stepped up to her. Catherine immediately dissolved her gaze from them and turned to him. He smiled warmly at her and placed a soft kiss against her temple. Catherine closed her eyes, letting her tension out with a deep breath, immediately relaxing, when he was showing her affection.

“I’m sorry, Rafa.”, she whispered softly, feeling guilty for keeping him out for a while, but he shook his head, smiling fondly at her.

“Don’t be. Keep on going, I get you something to eat and drink, okay?” He knew Catherine. She was bad eater in general and especially, when she was nervous. She likely had not eaten much in the past week, because of their fight and especially not today. Therefore, she must be hungry. Her blue eyes sparkled gratefully and lovingly up at him as she nodded. Rafael apologized himself to the others and left for the decadent buffet with the finest of food. He got himself two plates and began to fill them.

“So, Catherine…” They had offered her to call them by their first name quite soon, because they were not in any working relation and therefore did not have to keep a professional tone. “I hope, I’m not too pushy and curious, but how did you get to know Barba?”

It was Miranda asking. Rafael paused, a sausage still clamped between barbeque tongs, and strained his ears. Miranda was a woman of information, always up for the newest gossip, because it was essential for her job, therefore you had to be careful with her. She knew how to draw a secret from somebody. Behind the friendly smile rested a very calculating, strategical mind. Rafael was sure she had just waited for him to leave Catherine out of sight, because she suspected her to be the easier target. Rafael and she teased each other quite a lot, always competing against each other and of course her natural curiosity was only increased, now. Rafael, on the other hand, was curious, how Catherine would handle and answer her. It was not relevant actually, because Miranda would not misuse it- she was professional enough-, but it determined how much Catherine would reveal and they had not agreed on a story to tell without mentioning her past.

“To be honest, we already knew each other in New York, when he was still working as a prosecutor. I worked in a coffee shop not far from court house and he was a regular, coming in every day, sometimes several times a day. So, it was only natural we got to know each other a little.” Rafael smiled, while still having his back to them. Clever strategy, Catherine. Telling enough truth to make it believable. She had worked in a café, he had been, okay still was, a coffee addict and their friendship had started in a café. This was enough to make her voice and face expression believable even to those used to finding a lie. “It started like it normally does: Same as always? Hard case? Questions like that.”

“And then you became a couple and you moved with him?”

“No.” Catherine chuckled light-heartedly and he heard the smile in her voice. “Actually, I moved here before him, when I got my university place in LA and we hadn’t had any contact until we met each other on the Santa Monica Pier by accident.”

“Wait! Does that mean he did not know you moved to LA and you had any idea he was living here? And then you happened to come across each other?” Mister Miles sounded surprised.

“Exactly. Rafael was sitting on a bench, just finishing his hot dog, while I was passing the time until my shift in a café would start. I was so surprised, when I saw him.”

“That almost sounds like destiny.”, Miranda swooned and Rafael huffed quietly. Oh, she had no idea, how fateful it truly had been. “How high are the odds? And no, Desmond, you’re not supposed to calculate it.”

“Oh, damn.” The man laughed.

“We couldn’t believe it either, though I was surprised he could still remember me, but I think, he was just as much.” Catherine giggled brightly. “He asked me to show him around and over the time we became friends, growing close and in the end, we realized, we’re in love with each other.”

It was a good story. It contained enough of the truth for her to tell it like it was and it was very believable and easy to memorize. For a short moment, Rafael wished, it would have been the truth. That Catherine had worked into his favorite coffee shop and then simply had moved away. But Rafael knew they would not be here without the pain on both of their sides. They would have looked past each other.

“That’s so sweet.”, Miranda chirped. Rafael shook his head at it. She could be so over the top, but she had good naturel most of the times. Rafael sometimes wondered, how her wife could endure it. Veronica was the complete opposite of Miranda, calm, rational and rather silent. Though, Rafael realized, Catherine and he were quite contrary, too. Maybe it was true. Opposites attracted each other. “How long are you two together?”

Rafael knew, Catherine was hesitating. He knew her well enough to notice it without looking at her, while he grabbed the goat cheese wrapped in bacon- Catherine would love those. Cheese and bacon were her favorite food combination. Was it unfair, she was staying thin although all of her favorite food was unhealthy and he only had to look at a piece of cake and gained five pounds?

“Two months.”, she answered casually, but he heard the little tremble underneath the words. He turned his head around, looking at her. She was feeling uncomfortable, her fingers lightly scratching over her sleeve, but she was not anxious yet. “So relatively fresh.”

“Longer than most of my relationships.”, Mister Ross replied with a soft chuckle.

“The length doesn’t matter.” The voice of Mister Pearson was deep and thoughtful, showing a great life experience. “It’s the quality and emotions that matters and you two seem to fulfill it. Rafael appears to be happy.”

“Thanks.”, she said with a smile in her voice. With these words, Rafael decided they had enough time to interrogate her. He grabbed both plates and carried them back over.

“So, your time is up. Her lawyer is here.”, he announced with a grin and placed the plates onto the bar table standing next to the group. Gently, he wrapped his arm around her waist, pressing a soft kiss to her temple. “Funny to be on the other side of this sentence for once.”

“Oh, spoil the fun. I had so many more question.” Miranda chuckled. “Anyway, I should rather look for Veronica. See you.”

Then she was gone, off the wind and the music and soon afterwards, the rest of the group scattered to talk to other guests, too.

“Phew…” Catherine let out deep, relieved breath, her posture slumping immediately. She sank against Rafael, while putting a goat cheese into her mouth.

“See? You were better in this than you expected.”, he whispered encouragingly and nudged her head.

“It was still exhausting and nerve-wrecking.” She sighed and tilted her head to look up at him. “I wasn’t too casual?”

“No, Cath, they liked you.”, he assured and kissed softly into her hair.

“Good…I wanted to leave a good impression with your clients.”

“You did.” He stabbed a mini cutlet and held in front of her mouth. Catherine huffed and chuckled, the last remnants of her tension fading, before she took it from the fork to ate it with a smile on her lips. “That was a good story by the way.”

“You agree with it? Sorry, I had no chance to coordinate it with you.”

“No, I think it’s perfect.” Rafael’s eyes looked absently through the hall, being in his thoughts for a while. “For a moment, I wished, it would have been true.”

“I don’t.”, she said with a determined expression on her face. Rafael frowned, looking down at his love in his arms.

“You don’t?”

“No.”, Catherine repeated, her voice unwavering. “We wouldn’t be the couple we are now without our past. If we had got to know each other under normal conditions, we would have never established this strong connection and way of communication. I believe we wouldn’t have turned out this perfect otherwise.”

Rafael held his breath for a moment, his heart pounding fast against his chest, but then he breathed out deeply and smiled, kissing into her hair again. She truly loved him, if she would not trade her torture for him.

“You’re right. Why are you always right?” He sighed softly and kissed her for real this time. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, Rafael.”, she whispered sweetly, resting her hand on his chest.

“Are you tired?”, he asked, leaning a bit closer, while covering her hand with his. “Shall we go home?”

“No. I made all this effort to overcome my fear and therefore I should use it as long as I’m not panicking.” Catherine ate some potatoes, the fingers of her left hand drumming onto the table, her fighter expression gleaming in her eyes. “So, whom else should we talk to?”

~*~

“Oh, finally, I can get those shoes off.”, Catherine exclaimed happily two hours later, when Rafael and she returned home, both of them happy and she a little tipsy. She truly was unable to hold her drink. Her cheeks burned bright red as she sat down on the cream-colored bench in front of Rafael’s bed, unleashing the straps around her ankles, throwing the golden heels carelessly into a corner. She lifted her foot onto the bench and massaged the balls of her foot. Rafael shrugged of his jacket, putting it back onto a hanger and then loosened his bowtie. “What a blessing.”

“I still don’t get, why you women put yourself through the pain of walking in uncomfortable shoes.”, Rafael said, while sliding of the ribbon and also hang it over the hanger.

“Because it makes us appear thinner and we sway more with our hips, while walking. It attracts men.”, she explained, while stretching, the muscles of her shoulder blades working underneath her smooth skin.

“You don’t need that.” Catherine rose and eyebrow and got up, facing him. The sequin entwined with the laces of her dress glistened like little pearls in the shine of the lamp.

“Tell me, Rafael, and answer honestly: What does look better? This?” She stood normal on the floor. “Or this?”

She got onto her toes, immediately being taller, her figure more highlighted. Rafael looked at her, honestly thinking about her question.

“You look beautiful no matter how.”, he replied after a minute. “But I understand, what you mean.”

Catherine smiled triumphantly, her eyes glistening brightly. Rafael chuckled and shook his head. It seemed like Catherine was the cheeky kind of tipsy and she would have a severe head-ache tomorrow, but she had wanted to go all out on it and they had a lot of fun. It had been even better than he had expected it to be. They had laughed, had had great conversation and they had flirted, enjoying being out of their cave for a little, although Catherine had been a little stressed every now and again. All in all, he saw the evening as a huge success for her, doing another step towards her recovery.

“One question, since when do you have this dress? You couldn’t have brought it in the short time between my departure and your arrival.”, Rafael asked curiously, when Catherine removed her make-up, throwing the pads into the bin.

“To be honest, almost immediately after we became a couple. I knew, sooner or later, it would come to a situation like this and I would need time to find a dress, which would be fancy enough for such an occasion and yet I feel comfortable in. I found it a month ago online and hid it behind your jogging pants, so you wouldn’t find it.”

“Do you want to say I should do more sport?” Rafael laughed and sat down on the bench, while Catherine opened up her hair, which cascaded down to her shoulder blades.

“No, I’m only saying, you’re not running that often.”, she replied snarky and grinned, storing the bobby pins into a small box. She removed the brooch, resting it carefully on the dresser. Then she turned her back towards him, reaching for the button in her neck, which held her collar together. Rafael waited to put off his shirt or trouser, not being sure, how she would react to it. Somehow, there was a remarkable atmosphere between them, her air feeling tighter and yet lighter as if it was deciding to turn into thunderstorm or to clear up.

Suddenly, Catherine stopped her movement, hesitating for a moment, likely licking over her lips nervously, fighting against her mind, but Rafael did not know why. Her arm twitched and she rolled her shoulder, which appeared to have grown tense.

“Cath?”, he asked, taking a step towards her, but he kept a respectful distance between them, knowing it could make her feel uncomfortable, if he invaded her personal space, his presence might convey the impression he was intending more, although he did not. It was not easy to think every action through all the time, considering if it might scare her, but Rafael knew, she was struggling just as much as he, fighting all the time to extend her borders for him in the first place and for her second.

She did not react immediately, closing and opening a fist, her shoulders tensed and her teeth likely pressed onto each other.

“Rafa…”, she whispered, taking in a deep breath. He rose his head and waited for her to continue, but she stayed silent for a minute or two. “Could you please help me with the dress?”

Her voice was quiet, he almost did not hear her request, but the soft words flew into his ears like a breeze, and when they sank in, his heart stopped beating and his mouth became dry. Rafael took another step forward, stopping right behind her.

“Are you sure?”, he asked, trying not to show his nervousness. Rafael looked at her, saw how her ears were burning bright red and she quivered slightly. Her head was lowered, her fingers clenched into a fist.

“Yes. I think, I danced too much. My shoulders are stiff. I can’t reach the button.”, Catherine explained quickly, but Rafael saw through her. It was an excuse, a reason, why he had to do it to calm her anxiety. She was as nervous as he was, but she wanted to give him more for all the struggles he was going through for her. She still had difficulties to understand, he did it, because he wanted to.

Carefully, he reached for the button, slowly opening it, giving her time to back out, if it became too much, but Catherine seemed eager to endure it and Rafael was not sure what to make out of it. On the hand, he was amazed, she felt brave enough to let him do it, the form of her dress made him guess, she wore no bra, but on the other hand, he did not want her to feel like she had to. His heart raced inside his chest, when he opened it, the fingers of his other hand preventing it to slide down her shoulders and reveal, what Catherine was not ready for. Her quiver became a little stronger, her shoulders lifted and the muscles of her jaw tensed, but she was too stubborn to back down.

While still holding the collar together, Rafael reached for the zipper over the small of her back. He waited another moment, the metal of the zipper becoming warm between his fingers, but Catherine showed no intention to stop him. Rafael only heard how she let out a deep breath through her nostrils, trying to calm herself down. He gave her another minute, his heart pounding in his throat and the air becoming tensed between them. Slowly, he let go of the smooth fabric, which fell rustling to the floor. Her skin shone like porcelain in the light of the crescent. Rafael almost took in a shuddering breath, when he saw he had been right. She only wore a panty fitting to her dress, but the rest of her was now bare. But he suppressed the intake, because it would make her feel uncomfortable.

Catherine trembled, her shoulders shivering, while she fought against her trauma and the flashbacks, but she stayed strong. She did not flinch or showed any other signs of fear, only those watching her close would notice the tension. Slowly, hesitantly, she turned around to him, trying to cover as much from her as possible. Her cheek burned bright red, the blush creeping up to the tip of her ears. She was shy and uncertain. She did not dare to look into his eyes and her lips quivered. Rafael deliberately kept his eyes on her face. He knew, she would sense his gaze upon her and it would scare her, made her feel like being targeted. Rafael felt overwhelmed by how much she was giving to him in this moment, being aware it was her greatest sign of trust.

“You look beautiful.” Rafael felt like he needed to say something to ease the mood, to make her relax, but he could not come up with something better with the brilliant mind of his. No words would be able to express, what he was currently feeling and thinking. Catherine took a deep breath, lifting her eyes up to him and Rafael was able to see the fight between her love for him and the reverberation of the cruelties done to her. She wanted to win, she wanted this to be normal, she wanted to enjoy it, but the shadowy hands still reached out for her, trying to pull her away, while she struggled, trying to break free and run towards him to hide by his side, to find protection with him. In this moment, she showed him all of it. There was no mask anymore, no protection cover, just Catherine, her real self, starring up to him.

“I…I wish to believe that…”, she whispered quietly, her voice almost immediately gone, when outspoken. “I truly do, but I just _can’t_. I mean, look at me.”

With a deep breath, she slowly let her arms sink, stopping the movement a few times, hesitating, if she truly should, but in the end, she let her arms fall, revealing all of her to his eyes. Immediately, Rafael’s eyes lowered to her upper body. He had seen the photos in her file, in which each and every scar and injury had been photographed. He had to pick out those he wanted to show and he remembered how a cold shiver had run down his spine. It had made him sick to choose, which of her wounds would have impressed the jury most. To see the real ones was something else entirely. On the photographs they had been clinical, but now, they carried emotions. Rafael heard her voice ghosting through his head, when she had explained, how those injuries had been done to her. When he looked at the thick, deep pink scar between her breasts and the silvery lines around them, he could see her chained to the bed in front of his inner eyes. He saw her struggling against them, when her rapist sat down to her like a father would to calm down his child, but the knife glistening in his hand betraying the picture. He saw, how the monster leaned over her, his red hair burning like hell fire in the cold light of the naked bulb and her screams of pain echoed through his mind, when the knife had cut her.

“Look at all those scars…”, she whispered with a voice strained from pain, likely having misinterpret the impression in his eyes.

“I do, Cath, and they change nothing at all.”, he declared and smoothly knelt down in front of her like a knight, wrapping his arms loosely around her hips and pressing a soft, brief kiss onto the skin above her heart and Catherine gasped in surprise, her body startling. Then, Rafael rested his forehead against the kissed skin, feeling her rapid heartbeats against her ribcage and her fast-coming breath. “Your body is a canvass, where every small detail, each happenstance and coincidence are written on, making up the person you have become. They’re a part of you and that makes them beautiful, because you are beautiful.”

“Rafa…”, she whimpered. Catherine could feel the intensity and honesty of his words and gesture and she could not handle them. Her body trembled stronger, but she did not step out of his chivalric embrace. Instead, her fingers clung into his hair and a tear fell onto his head. “Please, stand up.”

Rafael obliged, but only after pressing another soft kiss onto her heart. He came back up to his feet, cupping her cheek and kissing her softly. He tried to pour all of his emotions for her into it, healing a bit more of the wounds on her heart.

To his surprise, Catherine reached out to him, grabbing the buttons of his tuxedo shirt with a trembling hand, opening it, her gaze determinedly focused on the buttons, stubborn to achieve that, too. Rafael was concerned, she was overdoing herself and summon the inevitable disaster. She had outdone herself already today with her apology to him, her courage to attend the gala and even allowing him to see her almost completely naked and yet she wanted more. That could not be good.

“Cath…”, he said softly, taking her hands in his and putting them down. Catherine startled and trembled, lowering her head in disappointment, appearing like she was about to burst. “You don’t have to do this.”

“No, but I _want_ to.”, she pressed through her teeth and looked up at him, but he did not believe her. She was just being stubborn, wanting to win against her anxiety, but she was so close to shatter. “I want to do this as long as I’m able to, before my anxiety is coming back to me. I want to want this. I want to finally win this fight. I want this to end.”

Tears streamed down her face as she truly broke, sliding down on him, curling herself together on the floor like she had so many times in her prison, helpless, hopeless and broken, but sadly, she had thrown herself back in by wanting too much.

“Oh, mi amor.” Rafael kneeled down to her, cupping her cheeks and hugging her close to him. At every other moment, he would have enjoyed the feeling of her soft skin underneath her fingertips, how warm she was and perfect she felt, but he could not, now.

“Do you remember, what I said to you, when we became a couple?”, he asked to pull her out of her tunnel vision, before she could obsess into her crying. Catherine looked back up at him, her iris stopping to become blank. She blinked several times, slowly returning to him.

“That you would never rush me, that it’s about my pace.”, she answered contritely after a small break and blinked irritated.

“Exactly.” Rafael nodded and wiped the tears out of her eyes. “I will never rush you, so please, cariño mio, do not do it to yourself. You don’t have to impress me.”

“But…but…”, she stammered, lowering her eyes, the fight taking place inside of her was paralysing her. Her mind knew that and longed to accept his caring, while her subconscious tried to find a way to twist it so she would not be hurt, whenever he had grown tired of her. It appeared like it found none, because, she slumped in the end, her head falling to his shoulder, while she sniffed, annoyed by herself. Rafael hugged her tighter, stroking through her hair and in the end, she let out a deep breath and rested her head against his. “Thank you, my love.”

“Every time, mi amor.” He placed a long, sweet kiss into her hair, before resting his forehead against hers. “And I have to thank you. You've outdone yourself today and that all for me.”

“I love you, Rafael.”, she whispered, kissing his temple. “You’re the reason, why I’m able to. Thank you for talking sense into me, when I’m obsessing over things.”

“That’s one of my specialties.” Rafael chuckled, nudging her playfully, until she huffed and let out a tired laugh. Rafael dissolved, looking into her bright eyes, stroking her hair out of her face. Then he stood up, holding out his hand to her and said in a voice, which promised to always have her back: “Come on, time to put you in a favorite sleeping shirt and have a hot cup of chocolate to celebrate this successful day.”

“Rafa…”, she whispered surprised, her eyes staring up at him, then she smiled warmly and took his hand, let him pull her back up onto her feet and into his embrace. Happy to have such a boyfriend like him, while wrapping her arms around him tightly, expressing all her gratefulness. “Thank you for being perfect.”

“I’m not perfect.”, he declared with a low voice, while resting his hand on the back of her head, softly stroking through her hair.

“You might not be perfect for everyone.”, she whispered against his shoulder, closing her eyes. “No one can be perfect for everyone, but for me, you are perfect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter made a lot of fun to write :) How do you like my new introduced NPCs? I hope I could integrate them more in the further development of the story ^-^
> 
> The next chapter is going to be the first explicit one. Not the entire chapter, but quite a big part of it. If everything turns out right, the next three are going to be. They are slowly making progress. :)
> 
> I wish you all a wonderful weekend. See you next Saturday :) Thanks for staying wit me, Subaru =)


	28. The magic of kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What started as a busy evening, turned into a magical night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is my first time writing explicit content. I'm so nervous ^^'  
> If you don't feel up for smut, just ignore the part between "~*~ [...] ~*~" it's not story relevant.

Wednesdays were always hard. Half the week was done, draining on the strength, while the other half was still laying ahead. In this semester it was even worse, because it was the longest day of the week. From eight AM till two o’clock, Catherine had lecture after lecture, then half an hour for lunch and then four hours of lab exercise- sometimes longer, depending on how well the experiment went.

Summer in California was on its height, offering no cooling at any time of the day, even the wind being warm like a blow dryer. Catherine sighed heavily, stroking her hair out of her neck, releasing the heat, which had gathered underneath her ponytail and wiped the sweat from her face. Summer was nice, but not if you had to work in a laboratory, having to wear long clothes, a lab coat and closed shoes to protect you from getting in contact with any damaging substances or bacteria. Catherine knew, it was the life she had decided for, but at days like today, she wished to have gone for an easier job.

It was already dark outside, when she returned home, which was Rafael’s house in Malibu by now. Two months had passed since the gala and she had almost completely moved in with him, only the bare necessities still left in her flat, for the days, when university was too stressful for an hour bus drive back to Rafael’s place. She scrambled through her bag, pushing her notepad to the side, while looking for the keys. Her exhaustion felt heavy, making every step a struggle, her eyes almost falling close. Her brain was absolutely done for today, her mental energy completely consumed. All she looked forward to was a calm, evening, a little bit to eat and then falling into bed and to sleep till morning until it would repeat all over again and next month, her exams were about to start, which meant even more of that. If her dream would not be so strong, she might have started to wonder, why she was pushing herself through it.

She opened the front door with yawn and was greeted by the alluring light flooding through the living room. At least Rafael was home and still up. A small smile crept over her lips and the heaviness of exhaustion became a little lighter. The prospect of cuddling into Rafael’s arms would brighten up every day no matter how hard it had been and it was exactly what she needed tonight.

“Darling, I’m…what the…?” She stopped right in the middle of the sentence, when she saw the condition their living room was in. It was nothing new that Rafael’s workload was expressed in the piles of papers covering his desk, but this here was an entire new level. Normally, his work was limited to the office, but tonight, their entire living room was covered in piles, which swayed dangerously from side to side. “Rafael?”

“Here, mi amor.”, came a muffled voice from the direction of the couch. Catherine put her bag on a free space on the floor, which was hard to find.

“I’ve always expected you to be buried alive by files one day, but not that early.”, Catherine said sarcastically, while she hung the keys onto a hook.

“Jamie and Cercei would be proud.” Rafael chuckled.

“That would be an as inglorious end for you as it was for them.” Catherine chuckled and blazed her trail carefully through the piles, making sure not to toss any of them over. Rafael sat on the couch in the company of more files and obviously buried in his work. His sleeves were rolled up, the buttons of his shirt opened, his notepad resting on his lap and he drummed onto the paper with his expensive, golden fountain pen, while reading through a file next to him. “What’s this all about?”

“The other attorney is trying to bury us in paperwork.”, Rafael grumbled annoyed and ran his hand through his short hair.

“Oh no, my poor darling.”, Catherine said pitifully, but with a teasing undertone, wrapping her arms around his shoulder, while smiling down at him. Rafael rested his head back against her stomach, enjoying, how she stroked soothingly through his hair.

“Hello, cariño mio.”, he whispered softly, his eyes shining warmly up at her, but Catherine saw the dark circle of exhaustion underneath them.

“Hi, love.” She leaned down, kissing him softly and both of them sighed happily. Catherine immediately felt light again, all the struggles of the day forgotten, when she felt the soft touch of his lips against hers. When she kissed him, her batteries were restored and she could relax. He was her calm anchor, her safe haven, her home. “How long have you been working on it?”

“I don’t know.” He sighed deeply, resting his head back against her. “What time is it?”

“Half past nine.”, she answered, rubbing his shoulders. Rafael frowned and looked out of the window, only now realizing, it was dark outside.

“For almost thirteen hours it seems.” He groaned in annoyance and rubbed tiredly over his face. His pen dropped onto his notepad as he rolled his shoulders, tilting his head from side to side. “No wonder that my neck is killing me.”

“I have something that.”, she said with a chuckle and gently started to massage his neck and shoulders, easing all the tension in his muscles. Rafael moaned pleased, his eyes falling close and a soft smile spreading over his face.

“That’s perfect.”, he hummed with a deep rumble. “Thank you, Catherine.”

“My pleasure, love.” She leaned down, kissing into his hair, while she continued her task to make him relax, forgetting the stress of work and if only for a minute. Then, suddenly, Rafael frowned and turned his head to her.

“Wait a minute. You’re coming home just now? Wasn’t University supposed to end at 6?”

“Yes, papi.” She grinned teasingly, poking out her tongue at him. Rafael quirked an eyebrow, then shook his head laughingly. “I went to the library after lab to do my protocol and evaluation of the experiment so that I don’t have to do it on the weekend. About which I have informed you.”

“Did you?” He blinked, his forehead furrowing in a try to remember, if he had read such a message. Then, he scrambled through his notes, lifting up files until he finally found his smartphone and looked at the screen, exhaling in surprise: “You did indeed.”

Catherine chuckled, wrapping her arms back around him, pressing another kiss into his hair.

“I love you, Rafael.”, she whispered into his dark strands, kissing his scalp again and he huffed.

“Why are you saying it, now?” He leaned his head against her arm, covering her hand with his and immediately the trusted feeling of his warmth and love flooded through her veins.

“Because in those little things I feel it the most. How you rest your head against my arm, your hand naturally taking mine, rubbing over the palm. How much I look forward to come home and to leave all sorrows behind the door. How I have to smile, when you do, how the sun always seems to shine, when I wake up next to you. Isn’t it those things that prove the quality of our love? That we’re able to enjoy and recognise all these small gestures?”

Rafael looked up at her, his eyes had grown much softer over the time he knew her and Catherine loved this expression on his face.

“I really shouldn’t be surprised anymore, when you say such sweet things, but I am every time.” He cupped her cheek, rubbing it gently and Catherine smiled warmly, kissing into his palm.

“So, are you going to make room for me on the couch, that I’m able to help you? Or do I have to destroy this structured mess?”, she asked, smiling down at him and Rafael frowned.

“What…?” He blinked, then finally caught up and shook his head. “Cath, no. That’s my job. You worked as hard today as I did. You deserve a break, cariño mio.”

“Nonsense, Rafa.”, she chided him half-heartedly, gently lowering his arm from her face and lacing her hand with his. “I’m your partner. Of course, I’m going to help you. Besides, I didn’t work my butt off today to not have to work on the weekend only for you to have to. Move over, Rafa, and tell me, what I should be looking for!”

“Can’t argue with that.” Rafael laughed, shaking his head, but he truly started to gather the files from the other half of the couch, putting them aside, making space for her. Catherine kissed into his hair one last time, before dropping onto the couch next to him, snuggling against his side. Rafael smiled fondly at her and kissed her. “Thank you, Cath.”

“Every time.” She smiled kindly at him, leaning her head against his side. “So, what do I have to keep an eye on?”

“I don’t know exactly, to be honest. They truly had sent us everything, the entire office is exploding under the flood of papers.”

“Wait, this isn’t all?”

“No, just those I thought to be the most relevant.” Rafael sighed, wrapping his arm around her, stroking over her arm. “Actually, I’m glad, you’re helping. They’re thinking they have to fool a lawyer. It’s likely, you’re going to find something, I don’t, because you have another way of thinking. Look for anything that seems off to you.”

“Okay. Will do. Where should I start?” Rafael looked down at her for a moment, still hesitating, if he should involve her, but in the end, he sighed, because he knew, she would not let him back out, now. He grabbed three files, which were hold together by a rubber band and handed them to her. Catherine rested them in her lap, while she twisted her hair into a bun, fixating it with her hair tie, which always meant, she was switching into working mode. She turned around, resting her back against his side, her feet laid down on the arm rest. Highly-concentrated, her tongue pressed into the corner of her mouth, she opened the file, her forehead deeply furrowed, her eyes flowing over the sides. She was tired and to understand the lawyer language was not easy. She had to read most lines several times to understand it or at least she believed she did. With every other side, the letters started to dance in front of her eyes, blurring into each other.

She did not notice, how Rafael watched her for a while with a fond expression in his eyes, a gaze, which carried all of his love for her and a spark of something else, a darker shade than usual colouring his irises.

“Seriously, Rafa, how can you endure it to express yourself like this all day long?”, she groaned in frustration. “I’ve read this paragraph ten times and I’m still not sure, if I’m getting it. I mean, is that even English or do I need an Enigma and Alan Turing to decode it?”

“Very funny, Cath.”, he replied chucklingly. “We’re only expressing ourselves precisely.”

“Precisely my arse.” She laughed and shook her head, while closing the file, leaning back against him and rubbing her forehead in exhaustion. “You could simply state it means, whatever you want it to mean. No one could prove you wrong.”

“And that’s exactly, what I said.”, Rafael said with a rumble deep as thunder, leaning over her, his head hoovering over hers, his breath blowing warmly into her face and Catherine felt, how her heart sped up, drumming loudly inside her throat, because a mischievous gleam burned in his eyes, pulling her in and taking her breath away. His aura became powerful, dominant, victorious and hungry?! Catherine was not sure. It felt like the one he had, when he had chased Nathan away, but it was not threatening. It only felt strong, protective and it did something to her and the way he grinned, he enjoyed, how her body started to hum on its own. He was playing a game she had not figured out yet. He was playing with _her_ and it awoke her curiosity. Rafael blew his hot breath once again into her face, smirking, when she shivered.

“Rafa…” She swallowed, when the tip of his nose brushed against hers and before she was able to formulate an accurate sentence, his lips were on hers, raw and hot and longing. Catherine moaned, her body stretching towards him, her hand cupping his cheek, her heart drumming excitedly inside her chest. Catherine always loved the way he kissed her, no matter how he did. It always made the time stop and everything else became unimportant. All that mattered was that he was with her and that he was loving her. For this, she would even endure the boredom of law.

Their lips smacked, when they dissolved, both visibly out of breath, their chest raising and falling, the air hot and tensed between them and Catherine felt a little overwhelmed. It was not the first time he had kissed her like that, but this time there had been something underneath. She must have touched something deep inside of him to bring this side to the surface. Yet, it still felt odd for her to be desired. In every moment of her sexual life, she had been nothing, but a tool, a valve for the lust of others. They had not desired her, they had not found her sexy or anything. They had not seen her. She had been nothing more than three holes to have fun with, a warm, more realistic sex doll.

But Rafael was different. He was always different. He was the first one, who looked at her, saw her and noticed her as a woman and whatever it was, he saw something he liked. He was the first one, whose eyes burned, when he looked at her and not through her. He was the first not projecting a fantasy onto her. She _was_ his fantasy.

“And that was your punishment for being cheeky.” Rafael grinned widely, a little intimidating, but then, he poked her nose. Catherine jerked back, sneezed because of the tingle it caused and she rubbed her nose. Glaringly, she looked up at him, but Rafael only answered with a quirked eyebrow in amusement. Both starred into each other’s eyes, fighting a fight between Rafael’s tease and her pouting, but when Rafael only lifted his eyebrow a little bit higher, Catherine could not keep herself together. She burst into laughter, holding her stomach, while she laughed off her stress and knowing once again, why she loved him. Rafael had the perfect sense for her. Without even putting too much thought into it, he naturally knew, what to do, how to give her, what she did not even know she needed.

Rafael chuckled with her, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her closer, resting his nose into her hair. She could feel him smile against her scalp, his happiness surrounding her and that was all she needed. As long as Rafael was happy, she was too.

 “That was a punishment?”, she teased with a wide grin.

“Hmmhmm…”, he hummed deeply, his face hovering above hers, the tension between them growing stronger with every moment passed. It felt like the moment, before a fire ignited, when it took a deep breath, consuming all the oxygen and then burst into flames. Her heart sped up from the excitement lingering alluringly between them.

“Then I should tease you more often.”, Catherine replied with a smirk, her eyes glistening brightly. She lifted her head even higher, gently rubbing the tip of her nose against his, playing and challenging him. Over the past two months, she had become more and more self-confident through Rafael’s help. Slowly and carefully, Catherine grew aware of this part of her, accepting what she had experienced had been cruel and this here was pleasant normality.

Rafael took a deep breath underneath her, his hand sliding to her stomach, stroking over her shirt. Not so long ago, Catherine would have been scared by the touch, but slowly, she had grown accustomed to it, even starting to enjoy the tingling, which his touch ignited inside of her.

Surprisingly, this time, it was Catherine, who took the initiative. She rested her hand on the back of his head and pushed him down so that their lips finally met again. Rafael sighed and moaned at the same time, his eyes falling shut, his hand on her stomach twitching in surprise. A shiver ran down his spine, while their kiss grew rawer, more passionate with every movement, soon their tongues moving in a well-known dance, sinking deeper into the ocean of their emotions. With every touch of their lips, Catherine became a little bit braver, intensifying the caress, her fingers clenching into his hair.

When Rafael dissolved slightly to catch breath, she used the chance to turn around, sitting onto his lap, her fingers gently cupping his cheek, before she captured his lips again. Rafael sighed happily, his eyes falling shut again, his body relaxing and his hands wandering underneath her top, stroking up her spine. A pleasant shiver ran through her and she blushed slightly, but she did not pull away, his touch not scaring her anymore. Actually, she was enjoying the feeling of his skin on hers, the warmth, the softness and tenderness, the little sparks, which his fingertips had ignited and she was glad that Rafael’s patience was finally coming to fruition. She would have hated herself, if she made no progress at all.

“Cath…”, he whispered breathlessly and in surprise, when she let go of him, slowly blinking his eyes open. They were ebony, his irises completely swallowed by his pupils and his gaze took her breath away, her heart skipping a beat, their breaths coming in short puffs. Both of them were caught in the atmosphere they had created, none of them able to break the eye contact. The longer Catherine starred into his eyes, the more she felt fascinated by them, a strong, warm feeling slowly rising inside her stomach. She leaned in again, wanting to kiss him slower this time, but as soon as she felt his lips against hers again, she could not pull it through. The feeling of her arousal inside of her was too strong to keep the kiss calm and sweet and she longed to be closer to him. Her exams were coming up and the case would likely become a big one, so they would not have much time for each other in the nearer future and therefore, Catherine wanted to feel him, to take as much of him in as she probably could.

Rafael did not seem to mind, returning the kiss just as eagerly, the case likely forgotten or not mattering anymore. He cradled her head, his other hand wrapped tightly around her hips. The reality disappeared, narrowing down to just them, nothing else having space between them anymore, time and space losing their meaning, while their souls connected through their touches and caresses.

When the first pile of files was accidently swept onto the floor both of them were torn from their pocket dimension. Catherine blinked, when she awoke from this ancient, beautiful dream, looking down to floor.

“Well, the Tower of Pisa has finally fallen.”, Rafael said amused, resting his head on her shoulder, looking at the scattered papers.

“It’s good you’ve become a lawyer and not an architect.”, Catherine teased back, nudging his cheek playfully. “If it’s destroyed that easily.”

“You can be quite a nature catastrophe, Catherine Amell. It’s hard to withstand you.” His voice dropped low and Catherine knew, he meant more with it. She smiled fondly, showing him, she understood, what he wanted to say. Rafael stroked her hair out of her face, tenderly cradling her cheek and she placed a kiss into his palm and then stood up. Frowning, Rafael looked up at her, reaching out to try to get her back, but she only shook her head, kneeling down and cleaning up the mess she had made.

“Cath, that’s not necessary.”, he whispered quietly, but Catherine did not stop. She never would. It was his work, she had destroyed. It was her fault and she would never let anyone else pay for it, not even in such a small thing. Carefully, she recollected the documents, ordering them and putting them back into the files they belonged, while feeling Rafael’s intense gaze on her. When she was done, she rebuilt the pile exactly where it was, smiling contently at it and then turned her eyes back to him. Rafael’s eyes were soft, being able to recognise all of her characteristics resting underneath this action. She smiled at him, before she got back on her feet and held out her hand to him, asking of him to leave the work behind and enjoy the rather young night with her, before their ambition would temporarily separate them. He looked at her hand, then back up to her, asking if this was, what she wanted. Catherine nodded determined and he immediately took her hand, leaving the case behind without any hesitation, following her into their bedroom.

~*~

Whenever Catherine opened the door to the master bedroom, she paused for a moment, taking the scenery in, because she could not believe it was hers. That everything touched by the silvery light of the moon belonged to her just as much as the wonderful man, who stepped in after her and looked at her with such tenderness in his dark eyes, that she felt like she could achieve everything as long as he was with her. Like her heart, which had been captivated in a cage, could finally free itself. Or maybe, she thought, while she looked into his warm, gentle eyes, he would open it for her. He loved her, that was obvious and she felt, how even the deepest corner of her soul was filled with a warm, gentle light. In this moment, she felt an unknown amount of confidence rising inside of her, a smile spreading all over her face.

Rafael grabbed her arm gently, when she took a step towards the bed, slowly turning her back around to him. His eyes were deep as if they contained every piece of time, the past, the present and the future. Her future. Gently, he cradled her cheek, his fingers stroking over her face, before he moved in, placing his lips softly onto hers, silently asking, if she was sure. He gave her the possibility to change the energy into a sweet evening of cuddling. She knew, he offered the chance, because they had kept everything sexual away from the bed. Everything cruel done to her had taken place in a bed and they wanted to make sure, it would stay a safe haven for her, but Catherine wanted more and the thought did not scare her this time. The abused part of her was accepting she was safe with him, because he would always think of her first. That was something she could trust her life upon- and she would.

Catherine dissolved from the kiss, returning his deep gaze with one of same intensity to assure him. She wanted this. Not because she felt like she had to, like he deserved to get it or anything other superior reasons. The only reason was she loved him and wanted to be close to him, but she was nervous. How did you start such a thing? What was she supposed to do? Every act she knew had been forced onto her. She had never decided if or when to start it. A little bit helpless, she looked up at him, her smile flickering slightly, but not from discourage, just the typical nervousness of a first time. She wanted to turn back time in a way. She wanted a reset. Of course, the rape would never be undone for her, but she wanted to rewrite it. In the ethereal light of the full moon, she wanted to become a virgin again, untouched, unharmed, unbroken and she did not do it for him, she wanted to do this for herself.

Luckily, Rafael always understood her. It was as if he was able to read her mind and emotions resting so much deeper inside of her. He took her hand, his finger playing softly with hers and Catherine knew, she would never want to lose his touch. She would never want to lose him. One last time, his eyes asked the question, if she was sure and when she nodded, Rafael’s eyes turned into the softest gaze she had ever seen, full of admiration and love and in this moment, she was sure, she was going to trust all of her to him even though it would take a bit of time and several steps, but she was now convinced, Rafael would be the angel, who would drag her out of hell. A cheesy picture for sure, but nothing else seemed to fit the intensity, which all of his kindness meant to her.

Rafael laced his fingers with hers, squeezing it reassuringly, before he pulled her with him, leading her to the bed. The mattress dipped down, when she sat down, her eyes looking up at him, while he looked down to her. The moon stood in her back, surrounding her like a crystal aura and Rafael stared at her in awe, an expression, he had never had before. He kneeled down in front of her, his hands resting on her knees, gently rubbing them, a slight shiver running down her spine and the feeling of excitement returned, making her heart sped up and her nerves hum, but the numbing feeling of fear of the flashbacks stayed out. All she felt was her love for him and the butterflies flying through her stomach.

Catherine cupped his cheeks, trying to express everything, what was going on inside of her, trying to transport all of her into the expression of her eyes and the touch of her fingers, because she could not express it in words. Maybe this was, what Rafael had meant, when he had said intimacy was another way of communication, a way to express, when nothing else worked. She smiled at him, soft and warm and assuring. Rafael returned it and got back up, sitting down next to her, his thumb gracing over her cheekbone and slowly, Catherine got the impression, he was nervous, too. She could almost see, how fast his heart was beating inside his chest. Rafael was a perfectionist and he loved her. He surely wanted to do everything right, but Catherine did not have the demand of it to be perfect or special. She wanted it to be natural and as long as happened with him, it would become perfect sooner or later.

Once again, he understood and nodded. He stood up and Catherine slid back, making space for him on the bed and laid down. Rafael rested himself above her, ensuring her with his eyes. He leaned down, hovering just above her lips, giving her some more seconds to back out. He would not mind. He never would and that was, what made her certain. She could almost hear the fast beating of their hearts, feeling their excitement in the space between them. Catherine initiated the kiss to express her consent, her lips gently moving against his, sighing with every new contact. Rafael was soft and tender, taking his time, slowly building up the tension and intensity. One hand covered her cheek, while the other gently stroked over her arm, causing goosebumps to spread all over her body, making her shiver in anticipation. Catherine also reached out, running her fingers through his hair, when he deepened the kiss, gently playing with the tips, sometimes pulling, sometimes stroking and she felt, how he shuddered slightly from the sparks, which her little tease caused.

“Remember what I said. You can stop anytime.” Rafael dissolved, looking down at her again, asking if she still was ready for the next step. Catherine smiled and nodded. She had never been so sure, because if she left the fear of her trauma aside, everything so far had felt beautiful and right. To prove it, she did something, she had not been able to do until now. Without any tremble, she opened the first three buttons of his shirt, her fingertips tracing over every inch of his tanned skinned, which she revealed. Rafael shivered underneath her, inhaling sharply and his eyes became dark again, devouring her, but this time, she did not resist. She dove gladly into his emotion. With the third button, she stopped, knowing this was her limit. It was only supposed to be an indication for him, showing she truly had this in mind and to prove, she was braver this time. Rafael looked into her eyes in amazement, but then smiled, kissing her briefly again, before he went to the next step. Softly, his lips wandered over her cheek to her ear, gently taking her lobe between his lips, sucking on it without much pressure. A hot shiver spread from the top of her head down to her core, making her tremble and her mouth opening slightly to inhale deeply. Rafael used her distraction to rest a hand on her hip, his fingers gracing over her stomach. Catherine closed her eyes, wanting to feel every touch of him. Slowly, she turned onto her side, facing him.

Rafael slid closer to her, encouraged by her actions and his lips continued their trail, cresting her ear, while his hand slipped underneath his shirt, once again running up her spine and his touch felt feather soft and wonderful. Catherine lost herself into the warm, tender atmosphere between them, which washed over her like a small wave. Slowly, her breath became shallower, while Rafael took his time to linger, enjoying it just as much as she did. She could feel it in the tenderness and softness of his caress.

When he reached her neck, Catherine felt the well-known tingle radiating from her vagina up to her stomach, but it was so much better than all the other times. Back in her nightmare, she had fought the feeling, being disgusted by it, but this time, she was able to experience the beauty of it and she embraced it. Rafael kissed her pulse point tenderly, slightly scraping his teeth over the sensible skin and Catherine shivered pleasantly, the first moan escaping her throat. Rafael responded in kind and both of them opened their eyes in the same moment. Rafael’s brown iris was only a small ring around his dilated pupil and she swallowed slightly, the intensity of his expression tightening her throat. Rafael interpreted it as uncertainty. Immediately, his eyes turned softer and he kissed her gently and sweetly like he always did, when he wanted to reassure her, showing her, it did not have to go any further, if she did not want it to. Rafael was with her in every step, caring for and looking after her and once again, she knew she had fallen in love with the right person. They had been together for four months and yet, he was not pushing her. Rafael would wait for as long as she needed, never going any further and this was exactly, what gave her the confidence to enjoy his caress.

To show him that, she deepened their kiss, her tongue leaving no doubt behind she wanted more. She wanted him to show her this part of herself, which had been taken away from her. Rafael’s eyes fell close again and he moaned deeply, understanding, what was going on in her mind, her trust moving him to tears, one rolling out of the corner of his eyes and his fingers twitched on her back. Catherine wiped the tear away and this time, she wanted to show him, what he did for her. Gently, she pushed against his shoulder, rolling him onto his back and resting herself on him. Rafael looked up at her in surprise, but she smiled. Playfully, she let her fingers run over his neck, sending small shiver through his nerves and her lips followed them. Rafael took in a deep breath, his hand burying into her hair, keeping her close. When she reached his Adam’s apple, she seemed to have found a sweet spot.

“Cath...”, he moaned, a strong shiver running through his body and he inhaled sharply, his breath getting stuck in his throat. Rafael tilted his head, offering her even more of this sensible part of his. In this moment, Catherine felt powerful, a warm rush of might pouring itself into her veins. Carefully, she nibbled on the thin skin and his Adam’s apple shivered as he swallowed again, a deep groan leaving from the depth of him. She felt his erection slowly starting to grow against her tight, but this time, it did not pull her out of the sensation. She was enjoying this and the sounds she was eliciting from him were way too beautiful to stop. Smiling tenderly, she kissed his sternum, before she sat up on him. Rafael opened his eyes, immediately reaching out for her, his knuckles grazing over her cheek. Catherine smiled and leaned into the touch, enjoying how soft his hand felt on her. They were soft, well-kept without any calluses, showing he was a man of intellect, who never had to work physical, his veins shining through the brown skin. If she was honest, she always had found his hands appealing.

Catherine smiled even softer, gently placing his hand down, taking a deep breath and hesitating for a short moment, because she wanted to make a big step. Rafael sensed her hesitation and sat himself up, making eye contact with her and Catherine felt, how they reconnected, communicating silently just through their gazes.

“You’re amazing, Cath.”, Rafael whispered in the space between, his voice a little flat from his shallow breaths and he rested his forehead against her, strengthening the connection between them even more, their breath mingling together. Catherine huffed and blushed slightly, a little bit embarrassed by his praise, although she knew, he was honest. He did not say it to encourage her to go on, he only said it, because he felt it. She rested her hand onto the bare skin above his heart, feeling it drumming strongly and excitedly. Rafael cupped the back of her head and his other arm wrapped around her shoulder. He probably thought, this was the end, likely wanting to end it, before a bad experience would taint it, but Catherine felt up for more. Slowly, she dissolved from him although she wished to be even closer to him.

A little hesitantly, she grabbed the hem of her top and pulled it over her head in one smooth motion, letting it drop onto the floor. She blushed again, ducking her head in embarrassment, taking a deep breath to calm her nervousness. Her fear luckily stayed away, only a slight feeling of embarrassment appearing on the shore of the border between her sub- and conscious. Rafael took a deep breath in surprise, his eyes widening, but then he huffed and gently placed two fingers under her chin, lifting it up, until she looked into his eyes again, which were tender and yet concerned.

“Are you sure?”, he asked, his thumb gracing softly over her lips. Catherine nodded and kissed its tip.

“I love and trust you, Rafael.”, she replied, his concern giving her back her courage. That she could always stop was not an empty phrase. She could end it at any point. He would not blame her for it.

“I love you too, mi amor.” And his voice carried every nuance of his feelings for her. “I believe you have no idea, how much.”

“I think I do. Just as much as I love you.” She smiled and they met for another kiss, revealing their feelings for each other, allowing the time to slow down for a moment, savouring the impression of lips on lips, skin on skin, the warmth of their shared breath and their hearts beat synchronizing. Without breaking the kiss, Rafael rested her back onto the mattress. Catherine followed his gentle push, resting her head onto the pillow, Rafael lying next to her.

He rested his hand onto her collar bone, his fingertips gently tracing the hills of it, his eyes lingering on the spot, where he touched her and his warmth spread from this point towards every part of her. He gave her a moment to adjust, his nose nuzzling into the crook of her neck, the tip of his nose slightly stroking her. Catherine peered to him, seeing how his eyes were closed, a soft smile on his lips, obviously savouring of being close to her. Her own eyes closed as well, enjoying the comfortable atmosphere between them. When Catherine did not show any signs of distress, his hand wandered down, between her breasts, over the fabric of her white bra and down to her stomach, letting it roam almost lazily over her skin, while he placed sweet little kisses onto her neck, but it was enough to awaken her desire again. She shivered slightly, her muscles twitching under his fingertips, which tickled her slightly and she sighed. Slowly, he increased the intensity, trailing down closer to the waistband of her shorts, caressing the thin, sensible skin of her pelvic. Catherine shuddered, the fine hairs on her arms rising, her vagina slowly starting to pulse and her breath coming shallower. Still, Rafael took his time with her and she was not sure, if he did out of consideration or to tease her- or both. Almost painfully slow and feathery soft, his fingertips ran back up her stomach, making her shudder underneath him, while he bit into her neck gently, sucking the poor flesh in and marking her as his, creating her first hickey.

“Rafael…”, she whimpered and moaned, her body stretching into the caress, searching for more contact. She turned her head to him only to be met by a sharp gaze in his dark eyes. He was watching every reaction of her closely, likely memorizing them carefully. He explored her for a while, caressing every inch of her upper body with different pressure and parts of his hand, finding out, where her erogenous zones and spots were. He found one at the point, where her right hip bone ended. When his thumb brushed over it with a slight pressure, she inhaled sharply, shivering strongly and the tingling inside her folds increased. To her slowly growing displeasure, he ignored her breasts for now, not even touching them or the fabric of her bra, although her nipples were already hard and shone through. Catherine’s head dropped to the side, her breath coming fast, her eyes slightly squeezed shut.

“Rafa…please…”, she begged as another strong tremor ran through her. Immediately, his eyes were back on her, trying to figure out, which intention her plea had. Catherine forced her eyes open again, turning her head towards him, her breath coming in short, staggering breath, her arousal making her labia tingle in excitement. She must look like a mess, her cheeks likely bright red, her eyes hazed and dark, her hair having sprung free from the lose ponytail she had worn.

Rafael moved his hand to her head, carefully pulling the hair tie out, freeing her hazelnut brown curls, combing his fingers through it to losing it up. Catherine huffed and smiled softly, the overwhelming feeling of lust disappearing enough to become pleasant again at his tender gesture. He truly must love her hair. Carefully, he took one of her strands, gently pulling it straight, only for its tips to jump back into a curl. In this moment, he appeared so devoutly, Catherine was wondering, what was going on inside his busy head, though at times it seemed like his mind was slowing down in a good way, when he was with her, that he was able to find some rest.

He kissed the corner of her mouth, while the hand, which had freed her hair, slid down to the clasp of her bra. His fingers touched the fabric, but remained in place, trembling slightly. His eyes still looked into hers, searching for any sign of discomfort and Catherine realised, he was nervous, too, and it was adorable. Softly, she covered his forehead with kisses, while her fingers ran through his hair. Rafael huffed in relief, his body posture relaxing against her. Lovingly, he kissed onto her heart, feeling its beating drumming through his bones. Catherine looked down at him, her heart melting at the gesture.

When Rafael opened the clasp, Catherine held her breath for a moment as he slid down the straps and attentively removed it. She did not know, what he thought of her. Of course, he had said, she was beautiful, when she had revealed herself to him for the first time, but she could not believe it entirely yet. When she looked into a mirror, she could only see her flaws: her scars, which covered almost every part of her and how she was too thin, her ribs slightly shining through her pale skin. Rafael, on the other hand, looked at her like he was looking at something beautiful and she just had to accept that he saw her differently than she did.

He pressed another tender kiss to her ear, before he dissolved and placed a hand onto her breast, the touch sparking into her nerves and the air between them growing tensed from excitement. He left it there, giving her the time to adjust and for him to feel her rushed breaths underneath his hand. Catherine closed her eyes, listening to the several layers of her soul, but none of them was afraid and her deepest one was humming from excitement as her throat slowly became dry and she licked her lips.

That seemed to stir something inside of Rafael, because she heard him exhale deeply, bordering a groan and his hand began to move, cupping her left breast, examining it, weighing it in his palm, before he gently traced his thumb over her areola and nipple. Catherine’s breath hitched in her throat, when a hot shiver ran down her spine, pooling inside her core and she moaned hoarsely. Rafael was careful, not applying much pressure, but Catherine still trembled and as always, when she felt overwhelmed, she sought his protection, burying her head on his shoulder.

“Are you okay?”, Rafael asked concerned, threading his fingers through her hair.

“Hmmhmm…”, she hummed, smiling softly. “It’s just a little overwhelming to experience, how wonderful it actually feels.”

“You’re amazing, Catherine.”, he whispered once again, pressing a soft, tender kiss into her hair. “Truly amazing.”

Her heart sped up at the admiration, which made his voice smooth as velvet and slowly, even her unconscious started to believe it. If Rafael insisted on it so determinedly, there must be something true to it and therefore, his compliments carefully rebuilt her self-confidence.

Encouraged by her words and the lack of fear, he continued his caress, his fingers gently pinching her stiff nipple and it appeared like she was especially sensitive there or Rafael was just talented or both. A shuddering breath left her throat and her clitoris began to pulse, sending pleasant trembles up her spine. Catherine felt, how tears started to fill her eyes. So that was how lust and arousal should feel like, this was how it was supposed to be. Rafael held her cradled against him, providing a feeling of safety, while he played her body, carefully increasing her arousal, adapting his caress to her reaction. Soon, she forgot, where upside down was, the surrounding stepping back, melting under the heat, which spread through her body. All she could feel was his touch and kisses and her reaction to it.

With every touch, she grew more impatient, starting to fidget under his ministration, even slightly pressing her thighs together to gain any kind of friction to sooth the feeling. She mewled slightly, biting into her bottom lip, when it was little soothed. Rafael likely noticed her movement, because his second hand moved to her hip, but instead of stroking her, like she expected, his caress on her breast stopped and he gently tickled her. The contrary feeling to her growing arousal took her by complete surprise. Slowly, a giggle carved its way out of her and even more surprising, it made her relax, because the sensation was too weak to really distress her. Rafael only had wanted to weaken the overwhelming feeling.

“Thank you, Rafael.” Catherine blinked her eyes open, smiling gratefully up at him. Rafael returned the smile, stroking her cheek and Catherine used the chance to kiss him, expressing all the emotions inside of her. Rafael sighed happily, delightfully sinking into the flood of emotions, which she shared with him. This time, they rebuilt the heat slower and together, the touch of their lips and the dance of their tongues enough to build her up again. Their sighs and moans entwined into a melody, which was beautiful to them, expressing the feeling, which was essential for the survival of mankind.

Then suddenly, Catherine felt his hand on the waistband of her panties. According to the expression on his face, he had not realised himself that it had moved there. Catherine could not imagine he had willingly put it there. All Rafael cared of was her and he likely would not take so many steps at once. He swallowed, unsure, what to do, now. His fingers twitched against the cotton, slightly scraping over the fabric. Rafael took a deep breath, letting it out shakily through his nostrils, which had widened, inhaling her scent. Catherine could not even imagine, how it must be for him to be aroused- she could feel his erection - and not being able to act upon it. A slight feeling of guilt started to rise inside of her, but she pushed it back down quickly. Rafael would not want to hear any of it.

“May I?”, he asked to her surprise, his eyes darting back to hers, a slight shimmer of hope glistening in his dark eyes and just now, Catherine noticed the little shivers, which ran regularly through him. How much she wished she would be able to do something for him, but she knew, she was not able to, yet. The moment, she would go further down than his chest, she would have flashbacks of the many times she had to satisfy her rapists needs and had to act like she wanted it or being beaten up otherwise. No, she was not ready yet. But this here, belonged to her, this softness and tenderness, the way he worshipped her, taking his time, adjusting everything to her needs and pleasure, pushing his own desire down in order not to distress her. Just as he came first for her, so did she for him. This was, why she would not rush herself. It was something, he would not want.

She looked into his eyes. These deep, soft and caring eyes, which always watched her close, analyzing every reaction and movement of her. She trusted those eyes and the man, they belonged to. She would trust her life to him and that was all she needed to know. Slowly, she nodded and Rafael took a deep breath in.

“But leave the slip on, please.”, she said with a slight shake in her voice. She could not endure the vulnerability of being completely naked in this moment. It would take all of her courage away. Rafael kissed her forehead tenderly, reassuringly, then resting his against hers.

“Of course.”, he whispered softly, stroking over her cheek, resting her back onto the mattress, laying down beside them. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” She kissed him, needing more of his confidence and courage, her heart drumming at full speed, feeling like it was to burst out of her rib cage. Her nervousness was strong like a nature catastrophe, but she wanted to, no, she _could_ endure and enjoy it. She would not let three dead bodies of assholes having that much power her. She would not let them _win_.

Slowly, carefully, he removed her trousers, his fingers running along her thighs. Catherine shivered, feeling a little bit uneasy, but nothing to worry about. Questioningly, he looked at her and he breathed in deeply, when she nodded and his fingers slid under her waistband, resting his hand on her pubic mound. Catherine took a deep, shaky breath, her inner alarm system firing up. The bedroom turned into a threatening cell and three men stood around her, all of them putting their hands into her panties, tearing her apart. She shuddered, trying to wipe the memory away, because she knew, it was not real.

“Cath.” A smooth, deep voice stabbed her torturers and the flashback shattered. Warm, gentle fingers lifted her chin, reconnecting his topazes with her aquamarines. Catherine breathed out deeply, the constricting feeling disappeared, which had tried to suffocate her. “Are you back with me?”

His fingers gently stroked next to her eyes, when Catherine nodded.

“Are you really sure you want to continue?” Rafael tilted his head in concern, his dark eyes watching her closely. Catherine took another deep breath, focusing on the feeling of his hand on her core. Her skin tingled, where he touched her, but she felt how her muscles contracted. Rafael had been right. It was just the first layer of her soul, which was afraid. Her body wanted to experience it. She nodded, smiling fondly at him.

“Yes, I am, Rafa.” Gently, she traced over his lips, until the concerned expression on his face became softer. “I truly want this, but we both knew, it would not go smoothly, no matter if we do it now or in ten years. I’ve accepted it and it doesn’t scare me that much anymore, because my unconscious begins to understand, it is over. Even during my flashback, I was aware that it wasn’t real and that I’m safe with you. Your closeness and voice pierce through it easily and that’s why I was able to return that quickly. So, please, go on. I _want_ to shake off the chains.”

Rafael swallowed heavily, when she looked determinedly at him and nodded, but the concern in his eyes did not disappear. In this moment, it seemed like he was afraid, but wanted to be strong for her.

“Okay…”, he said after a few quiet moments with a deep breath. “Look into my eyes all the time, so you know, it’s me. I’m never going to harm you, that I vow to you.”

“Rafa…”, she whispered astonished, her eyes shining in surprise at him. He pressed a sweet, yet desperate kiss onto her forehead, appearing fragile in this very moment, mirroring her trauma, showing that he truly understood how far reaching it was and how much she needed the feeling of safety.

“But promise me one thing and that’s not negotiable. As soon you feel slightly uncomfortable, you stop it immediately.”

“I’m fine.”, she assured, smiling brightly and unharmed, but Rafael looked up at her and shook his head, his eyes turning much deeper than they had ever been.

“You don’t understand, Catherine…”, he said with a pressed voice, taking a strand of her hair between his fingers, thoughtfully swirling it around his fingertips. “It’s not just your assurance. It’s _mine_. I couldn’t endure the expression on your face, if it goes wrong. If _I_ traumatize you. Please, call a halt, before it’s too late. _Por favor, mi amor_.”

Catherine widened her eyes at his begging tone and she gulped heavily, lowering her eyes. Rafael always switched into his mother tongue, when English was not enough to express the intensity of his emotions and it made her realize, she had been too focused on herself to notice that it affected him, too. That it was hard for him, too.

“I promise.”, she whispered and leaned forward, sealing it with a kiss, which was raw and deep, blowing all of his doubts and hesitation away, wishing she could wipe away the past for the both of them with the magic of a kiss. “Can I ask for another precaution?”

“Of course.”

“Could you hold my hand all the time?” Slowly, she moved her left out from beneath her, resting it in the space between them and opened it. Rafael looked down at her hand, then smiled softly. Tenderly, he laced his fingers with hers, uniting their contrast and building an anchoring connection between them, which could withstand every force.

“I love to see our laced hands and the contrast of our skin color.”, he whispered softly to ease the strong atmosphere between them. “To see how different we are and yet how perfectly harmonizing.”

“I love, how that sounds.” She smiled and stroked over the back of his hand. “And I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Rafael smiled softly and kissed her chastely. “I’m going to start, now. Remember, look into my eyes and tell me to stop.”

“I’m not stupid, Rafa.”

“No, but extremely stubborn, if you want to be.” He smiled and squeezed her hand. Catherine laughed and puffed him, but then nodded in reassurance, looking into his deep eyes. The beginning was soft and careful, his fingers only tracing lightly over the thin skin of her thigh, making her shiver. Her eyes wanted to fall shut, to take all of it in, but she stopped the movement, opening them for him again, knowing he needed just as much of a hold as she did. Rafael needed the certainty, he would not become a delinquent tonight, who committed a crime to the person, he loved. Therefore, he needed to see every reaction of her and where could he see them better than in her eyes?

Rafael moved inwards, rubbing his hand softly over her folds. Catherine took in a shaky breath as her body reacted strongly to the stimulation. Immediately, her arousal was back to the intensity it had been before. Keeping the eye contact with Rafael turned out to be much stronger than she had expected. When his soft fingers stroked over her labia, gliding smoothly through her wetness, Rafael took a deep breath and she moaned deep and low, her body shuddering against him.

“Are you okay?” She only nodded, her breath coming too flat to form a word. Heat ignited at every spot he touched and flooded through every corner of her body, filling her up and chased away any sign of cold doubts. Her mind stopped thinking, maybe even existing for a while. All she could feel was the primal, everything swallowing, feeling of lust. She bit her bottom lip and mewled, her legs starting to tremble and her channel clenched desperately at nothing.

“Don’t suppress it, Cath.”, Rafael whispered hotly with blown wide pupils. She needed a moment to understand, what he meant with the haziness clouding her mind, but she let go of her lip. Once again, her eyes wanted to fall shut, all the feelings storming inside of her were way too strong to endure. She clenched her fingers into the sleeve of his shirt. A little hesitantly, she moved her leg backwards, offering him more space. Rafael’s breath shuddered inside his chest and a fire flamed through his eyes. For a moment, Catherine dissolved her gaze from his, looking down, watching how his hand disappeared under the fabric of her underpants and the shape of his knuckles moving inside of it. It had something secretive, forbidden and yet _hot._ She licked her lips and looked back up at him, sliding a little bit closer. Both of them were panting, their hot breaths almost creating steam between them. Catherine felt how sweat ran over her skin in an attempt to cool her down, but it was not enough to soothe the fire.

Rafael’s hand worked her thoroughly, showing the perfectionist he was. Every inch of her vagina was explored and when he noticed a little change in her reaction, he tested, what she liked, increasing the pressure, slightly scraping his nail over it or using his knuckles. Catherine forgot, where upside down was, forgot all the pain and every memory. Her entire being was focused on his hand, which played her like an instrument. In this moment, past and future stopped existing. Her arousal rose quickly, building up like a storm flood and it increased faster than ever before. Every other time, arousal had been forced onto her and out of her body, but now, with her mind being stimulated as well, it felt pleasant, but strong like nature catastrophe, which tore everything of her away and only left her basic instincts behind and the intensity of his gaze stripped more and more of her conscious way. How could the expression of eyes be that heated, passionate and yet soft and tender at the same time? The energy was completely opposite and should not be combinable, but Rafael was a man, who made impossible possible. Catherine had to fight with every mental strength she had left inside of her to keep her eyes open, but to see how they turned from concerned, to relief, soft, tender, heated and burning was turning her on and she felt proud to awake these emotions inside of him.

When Rafael found her clitoris, she fell apart, her breath coming in short puffs, her cheeks burning bright red, her eyes clouded and her orgasm began to coil in her stomach, her toes curling and her entire body trembling. She did not know, how much longer she could withstand it, but she wondered, why she should. It took a moment until she realized, her subconscious was still awaiting the cackle of her tormentors, who pointed at her. It was the last barrier she had to overcome and she wanted it so badly.

“Rafa, please…”, she pressed between her shuddering breaths. “Don’t tease…”

Rafael chuckled hollowly and grinned in amusement, but with a hint of complacency. The expression he always had when he had his opponent right where he wanted him. In this moment, Rafael realized, he had won, he had defeated the demon, which lurked inside of her and he was very content with himself.

His fingers slid down, stroking her panty away, grazing around her entrance. Catherine quivered and she held tighter onto him. Rafael’s eyes pierced into hers, not letting her out of sight for a split second, while he slowly inserted his forefinger. Catherine hissed slightly, her abused channel had grown tight over the years as if it tried to protect itself from a new attack.

“Does it hurt?”, Rafael asked concerned and stopped the movement immediately. Catherine relaxed again, though her entire body still hummed, her clitoris pulsing in protest of its neglect.

“No…just unused.”, she whispered and she tilted her head, resting her forehead against his. She wanted and needed more contact with him. She had the urge to feel as much as possible of him. Rafael’s hand squeezed hers tighter and Catherine was not sure, if he did to reassure her or to cause a counterpressure against the slight pain he would inevitably cause.

Rafael tried it again and this time, it worked better. It felt strange to have something inside of her, although she had been impaled by so many things, which were much bigger than a hand. Not even her most intimate part had been spared from being scarred and torn apart.

“Cath…come back to me.” Catherine startled and blinked. She had not realized she had broken the eye contact with him. When she looked back at him, his concern had come back to the surface of his fire.

“I’m here, Rafa.”, she assured him, kissing his lips softly. “I’m with you.”

“Good.” He breathed out in relief. “Ready to go on?”

She nodded. Her body ached for him to continue, to finally set her free. Rafael resumed his movement, investigating every inch of her walls in order to ease up her muscles.

“Even here, you’re scarred.”, he whispered with a sad voice, when he found a bugle. It was like he just remembered how horrid her nightmare had been, how much pain she had to endure. Catherine’s smile flickered and her hand shook in his. “Do they hurt?”

“Not yet and I won’t let it stop me. I want to experience it with you. I’m not scared.” Rafael penetrated her with his eyes, searching for any signs of discomfort or that she was hiding from him, but she was not. Rafael’s love healed her. She let go of the sleeve, she had clung onto, and buried her fingers in his hair, stroking through it. Rafael sighed and smiled, placing a soft kiss onto her lips.

“I love you, Catherine.”, he said, when he inserted another finger into her, carefully scissoring her. Catherine eyes fluttered shut and she arched her back, burying her head onto his shoulder. Slowly, he began to move, pushing them in and out, his palm rubbing over her clitoris with every stroke. Catherine whimpered, the tension building up inside of her, and soon, she was a moaning, quivering mess, her entire body burning from arousal. Slowly, her orgasm crept up her spine and Catherine felt like she was losing the ground underneath her. Her entire body was fidgeting, unsure, if it should turn away or search for more.

“Rafi…please…please...”, she begged, pressing her head more into his shoulder, searching for his strength to stand against the overwhelming sensation building up inside of her. She was at the edge, her release just the tiniest bit out of reach but she hesitated. His movement became faster, suddenly finding a sweet spot. Catherine’s breath hitched and she almost tripped over. Rafael continued to caress the new found treasure and placed the most gentle, loving kisses against her temple and this contrast was the push she needed. Catherine jumped- literally and figuratively-, her body startling, Rafael’s name rolling hoarsely from her tongue, her soul diving into its depths and she exploded into stars as her orgasm clashed over her.

~*~

Catherine would have never expected the apocalypse to be this peaceful. For some moments, her world stopped exciting, the blackness and silence not scaring her anymore. Instead, she felt blissfully satisfied, enjoying the laziness, which had overtaken her body and the endorphins, which ran through her veins. She felt light like she had not in ages, unburdened, blithely and _free_. Slowly, she came back to the ground and she noticed, how Rafael peppered kisses onto her forehead. A soft smile brightened up her face as her endorphins turned into happiness. She, no _they_ , really did it. Catherine felt victorious. As if she was finally able to laugh in her rapists faces and showed them, they had not brought her in line. They had not taken her life. They were not controlling her anymore.

Slowly, Catherine blinked her eyes open, when her breath had calmed down and the tingling between her legs subsided. She looked up at him, her aquamarines shining brightly.

“Hey…”, she whispered softly. Rafael stopped his kisses and laughed, because the word was so simple and yet perfect for the situation.

“Hey…”, he answered just as tenderly, his eyes shining with pride into her eyes, his expression the warmest she had ever seen. As if she was the most precious person in the world and she started to believe, she was for him. Gently, he stroked her sweaty hair strands out of her eyes and then caressed her cheek.

“Are you alright?” His fingers wiped the few, wet pearls out of her eyes.

“You really have to ask that?” She laughed happily, stroking over his cheek. “I’m more than alright. I’m happy. We did it.”

“No, Cath.”, he replied softly and kissed her chastly, tenderly and sweetly, mirroring their first kiss, relishing in the relief, which made the air light. “You did it. I’m so proud of you.”

Catherine blushed and ducked her head, but slid closer to him, snuggling into his waiting arms, totally having forgotten that she was still half naked. Rafael wrapped his arms around her, stroking through her hair and back, while pressing another kiss onto her forehead. He just could not help it, because he was also overflowing with endorphins.

He rolled over, pulling her with him, resting her head onto his chest, his fingers running through her hair. Catherine exhaled deeply, her body relaxing the moment it was where it belonged and a little goosebump ran pleasantly over her body. In Rafael’s embrace she felt safe and she could face everything with him, even her greatest fear. This cognition was the most wonderful one she had gained in a very long time.

“I know, it’s going to embarrass you, but I have to say it.” Rafael stroked through her hair, combing her curls straight only for them to roll back together. “You look stunning, when you come.”

Catherine gasped, the blood immediately rushing into her cheeks and she hid her head into his shirt.

“You really looked at me?”, she grumbled to hide her shyness.

“Of course. I wouldn’t have missed it for anything in the world.” He rested his hand on her head, soothingly stroking her brown hair. “The sight of your victory.”

“One day, I’m going to die from embarrassment, Rafa, and you are going to be the reason why, just for your information.” Rafael only hummed, and shrugged, burying his nose in her hair, taking every essence of her in.

They rested together for a while, enjoying the presence of the other and their achievement and although Catherine was happy as she had not been in a long time, she felt, how much of her strength this step had caused. She was just not physically drained from her first pleasant sexual experience, but also mentally from all the trust she had to give.

“Cath…”, Rafael said after some wonderful moments, breaking the time spell, which had been casted upon them. “I’m sorry, but I need to go to the bathroom.”

“Oh, sorry. Sure.” She sat up, giving him free. Rafael chuckled, stroking her cheek and kissing her temple.

“I’ll be right back.” He kissed her again, lingering a bit longer, likely not wanting to leave, but then he stood up and went into the bathroom. Catherine fell back into the fluffy pillows of their bed, closing her eyes and listening to the flowing water faucet, but she was surprised not to hear the flushing of the toilet.

Just around two minutes later, Rafael returned with a wet washcloth in his hand. Catherine frowned and sat back up, tilting her head in confusion.

“Rafa?” Rafael smiled gently and reassuring, placing a soft kiss onto her temple and then wiped the dried sweat from her face and her body. Catherine inhaled in surprise, but then her expression softened as the cool cloth cleaned her and her head fell onto his shoulder. “Why do you have to be so perfect? You’re going to ruin me for every other man.”

“Finally, you have seen through my evil master plan.” He grinned mischievously and playfully poked her nose with the cloth. “Congratulations.”

Normally, Catherine would have played along, acted like she would have been shocked about this faked reveal, trying to get up just to let herself being pulled back into the bed, but tonight, she was too happy and exhausted to do so. Instead, she enjoyed, how he took care, freeing her from the last remnant of her victory.

“You’re amazing, Cath. I cannot say it often enough.”, Rafael whispered, his lips gracing her scalp, when he rubbed over her armpit.

“You’re just as much.”, she replied with a soft giggle in her undertone, because the washcloth was tickling her. “I wouldn’t have been able to do it without your support.”

Tenderly, she looked up at him, resting her hand onto his chest, stroking over his revealed skin. On the outside, Rafael stayed calm and composed, showing no reaction to her touch, but for over a year, she had only looked at him, analysing and obsessing over his body language so she noticed every deviation. She noticed the slight shiver, which ran through him and how he inhaled a little bit deeper.

“Although you don’t want to hear it: I’m sorry, I couldn’t do anything for you and it will likely take quite a while, until I’m able to. I’m not a fool. I won this time, but there are going to be times, I’m going to lose again.”

“I know. Thanks for trying it and stopping in time.” Softly, he looked at her and kissed her. “And I don’t mind. I still have the practise lessons to look forward to.”

His eyes flashed suggestively and he winked at her. Catherine laughed and shook her head. How Rafael was able to take it all relaxed was amazing, but exactly, what she needed. There was no pressure from his side, only encouragement and support. Cupping his cheeks, she leaned forward and kissed him, pouring her gratefulness into it. She might not be able to satisfy him, but she could kiss him and she loved doing it. She loved, how his lips felt on hers, the feelings, which spread through her and to feel his reaction to it. Rafael sighed happily, cupping the back of her head, pulling her a little closer and deepened the kiss, eager to feel more of her emotions. When she dissolved, she took Rafael’s right hand and kissed it. His topazes became soft and both rested their forehands against their joined hands, enjoying the deep bond, which had formed between them.

Then suddenly, a deep, loud moan escaped Catherine and she covered her mouth in surprise, not knowing where it came from. Rafael laughed softly and placed a tender kiss onto her hand.

“I think we should go to sleep. It’s been a long, exciting day for the both of us.” He stroked the hair out of her eyes, his fingers gently brushing over her temple, over her cheek as if he wanted to refamiliarize himself with the shape of her face.

“Yes, you’re right.” Catherine yawned again, her eyes drifting close and her head fell onto his shoulder. Carefully, Rafael rested her back onto the pillow, treating her like she was his precious treasure and Catherine felt moved by how he took care of her. I still amazed her, but Rafael had found the perfect way to treat her and the little child, which still lived inside of her, finding gestures, which gave both of them, what they longed for.

“I’ll change quickly and bring you your sleeping clothes. I’ll be right back.” He kissed her lips, cheeks, her eyelids and her forehead, but then stayed, where he sat, his lips still resting on her skin.

“Rafa, you need to get up for this.”

“Just a moment.”, he murmured, resting his forehead against her. Catherine smiled softly, rubbing his nose with hers and he exhaled deeply, a soft smile playing around his lips. “I’m so in love with you.”

“Oh really? It would never have occurred to me.” She grinned and pecked on his lips. “It was good, you allowed yourself to have this thought, hm?”

“Yes, mi amor. You were right once again.” He laughed and kissed her softly, but then he truly stood up, going to the wardrobe. He changed in the walk-in closet in consideration of her and came back with a casual white shirt, which would fall down to her knees.

“Thank you, love.”, she said and quickly put it on, before happily falling back into bed. The red numbers on the display of her clock told her it was half past eleven. Rafael slipped underneath the blanket, sliding close to her, but this time, Catherine did not let him hug her, this time, she wrapped her arms around him, embracing him gently. Rafael exhaled happily and snuggled into her, easily giving up his protecting demeanour and being the supposed weak one, allowing himself to be held and taken care of.

“Good night, mi amor. Thank you for loving me.”

“Good night, my love. Thank you for everything.”

“Okay, this time, you won.” He laughed and kissed her chin, before closing his eyes. Catherine tucked him under her chin, her eyes falling shut and both drifted into sleep. From this day on, Catherine loved Wednesday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was a challenge, especially while writing with 40°C outside. It was like melting, but I think, it helped, because I did not thought too much, while I was writing it. And then it turned out to be my longest chapter :D We surpassed the 300 pages by the way. Thank you for staying with me all the while and being that patient with them and me ^-^
> 
> What do you think of my first explicit chapter ever (and with the challenge of writing in a foreign language)? Was it good? Or where the breaks of describing their feelings too much in between the action? I would really love your opinion, because it was my first time as well and I would like to know, where (if) I can improve. 
> 
> I wish you all a wonderful weekend :) I can't promise a chapter next weekend yet, because the next one is a bit of a problem child for me and already turned out differently to how it was planned. Bye, bye, Subaru =)


	29. The power of superheroes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Friday and therefore date night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for posting this late. I had been writing on it up until, now. ^^' It really was not an easy chapter for me.

“Cariño, I’m home.” Rafael smiled softly, but tiredly, when he walked into the kitchen on this late Friday afternoon. That case had been much bigger and demanding than he had expected it to be at first. They had more than enough skeletons in the closet, they had almost fallen out as soon as the door was opened like in one of those glory holes, in which everything unnecessary was stuffed, when there was no time to tidy up.

Catherine sat on the couch, her eyes glued onto the screen on which the well-known opening theme of Hannibal was running, blood forming the silhouette of Mads Mikkelsen and Hugh Dancy, but the moment she heard him, she turned around, smiling brightly at him, before she swung onto her feet, hurrying over to him, hugging him tight, pressing her head into his chest, welcoming him warmly like a daughter would her father, when he had been on a long business trip.

“Welcome home, love.”, she whispered lovingly, squeezing him tight, but then she dissolved, her arms only wrapped loosely around him. “And congratulation on winning the case.”

“Thank you.” Rafael smiled warmly and kissed her gently, all the stress of the last case falling off him like an old cloak, her words filling him with joy and happiness, meaning much more to him than those of most. It was refreshing to have someone, who honestly expressed appreciation and praise. It did not happen too often nowadays. She honestly was delighted for him and her pride and fondness shone warmly in her eyes, making them glistening like sapphires. “God, I missed you, my darling.”

Both of their jobs had kept them on their toes. Rafael had hearing, after hearing, while Catherine had to learn for three exams. They had rarely seen each other in the past month, not much more than a greeting, when one crawled into bed to the other, a short _good morning_ and some notes on the table or text messages. But now, it was all over, her exams done since yesterday and his case was filed away.

“I missed you, too.” Catherine rested her head back against his chest, closing her eyes and humming pleased, while Rafael gently stroked through her hair, holding her close to him, both longing to feel the warmth of the other, which chased the numbing coldness of loneliness away and refilled their batteries. Then, she got up onto her toes, gently rubbing her nose against his and placing the sweetest, small kiss onto his lips. Rafael sighed happily, his eyes falling close and he pulled her against him, deepening the kiss, all inside of him longing to reconnect with his soul-mate, to the soul, which was his home. He pressed a gently kiss into her hair, simply enjoying to feel her heart beating against his, her skin under his fingertips.

The lovely silence then suddenly was disturbed by the rumbling of his stomach. Rafael groaned, when the spell between them was broken and blushed a little in embarrassment. He had not been able to eat properly and regularly in the past month, always eating on the go and now, his body was protesting and demanding to be feed.

Catherine dissolved and chuckled light heartedly and Catherine was one of the few persons, who was able to chuckle without making the other feel to be laughed at in such a situation. She simply found it amusing. Gently, she stroked over his prominent cheekbone and smiled warmly up at him.

“There’s Spaghetti Bolognese in the pot, if you’re hungry.”, she said casually, gently patting his cheek.

“You’re a gem, Cath.” He laughed happily, shaking his head, because he was still surprised about how much she took care of him and how considerate she was. He leaned in and kissed her gently, pouring his gratitude into the movement of his lips, but Catherine would not be Catherine, if she did not understand, what he was trying to tell her. She melted into his embrace, sighing into his mouth.  “Thank you very much.”

Catherine smiled and let go of him, walking to cupboard and taking out a plate, while Rafael put off his jacket and vest, resting them over a chair. It changed, when Catherine opened the pot and scrambled through the noodles. A warm, comfortable scent of tomatoes and oregano rose into the air, heralding the weekend.

Rafael loosened his tie, sliding it off his neck, unbuttoning and rolling up his sleeve, opening his collar and hang the unnecessary items over the back of a chair. Then, he walked up to Catherine, wrapping an arm around her waist as she grated the parmesan over the deep red Bolognese and he could not wait to eat it, his mouth watering in anticipation, his stomach grumbling again. Catherine was a formidable cook, one of the advantages of having grown up with her grandparents.

“Do you not want to eat, dear?”, he asked, while he watched her, resting his head against hers. Catherine shook her head, while she closed the pot again to make sure, the pasta stayed warm.

“I had no idea, when you’d come home, so I already have.”, she explained and nodded towards a used plate in the sink.

“Good.”, Rafael hummed pleased and breathed a kiss against her temple. He took the plate from her and walked over to the couch, placing the plate onto coffee table and sat down. Catherine followed him, sinking into the couch next to him, snuggling herself under his arm and against his side. Rafael looked softly, yet with a quirked eyebrow down to her. “And how am I supposed to eat like this?”

“You’re a clever man. You’ll find a solution.”, she replied cheekily, grinning, while she watched how Hannibal and Will were investigating a crime scene, Will using his perfect, but scarring empathy to recreate the circumstances of crime. Rafael laughed, but he would never mind that she was searching for his closeness. To have her close was something he would always enjoy and he would gladly accept a little hardship of eating.

“Oh you.” He shook his head again, resting the plate onto his lap. “What am I going to do with you?”

“Love me?”, she asked cutely, her eyes looking up at him with a gaze every puppy would envy her for. She was teasing, but there was a hint of hope hidden behind it, her heart likely beating fast inside her chest. Immediately, his eyes softened and he cupped her cheek, kissing her forehead tenderly.

“Certainly.”, he whispered, closing his eyes and taking her and her love in. The feeling, which Catherine elicited inside of him, was warm and soft and the only thing Rafael needed to relax. Not just she felt safe, when they were together. He felt at peace, when Catherine was with him, like nothing evil could harm him. The world could go down around them as soon as he stepped through the door, the horrid state of the world stayed behind. They truly had crafted a pocket dimension.

Rafael wrapped his arm around her, gently stroking over her hip, while he used his free hand to swirl the pasta onto his fork. He loved the Italian kitchen with all its bright colours and sometimes, he wondered, if Catherine had Italian ancestors, because her Bolognese was delicious. As soon as the pasta reached his taste buds, they exploded into a symphony of flavour, which harmonised perfectly. There was the herby taste of mince and parmesan, the sweet of the tomatoes combined with honey and the pleasant acid of red wine.

“That is so delicious.”, he moaned, immediately taking another bite, savouring, what he needed after such a long day in court. It seemed the saying was true: A way to a man’s heart was through his stomach, because he felt even more love blossoming inside of him.

“Thank you.”, she said gleefully, a happy smile spreading all over her face. Those words meant a lot to her, he could feel it through the mental bond, which existed between them. Although she had slowly got rid of the brainwash of her captivators, the deeply planted need to please everybody was not gone. Catherine had experienced, how it felt like, when no one cared for her and that was something she wished to no one.

“Did I already tell you today that I love you?”

“Not face to face and heart to heart.”, she whispered and looked up at him.

“Then, it’s about time.”, Rafael declared. He leaned down, his nose brushing against hers, his lips just a breath away from hers. Catherine’s eyes fell close and he could feel, how her heart drummed against her rib cage, the air vibrating from the intensity of their emotions between them. “I love you, Catherine Amell.”

“I love you, too, Rafael Barba.”, she replied immediately with her heart on her tongue, her voice indicating she still felt like she needed to prove it. As if Rafael did not know, how much she loved him. As if he was not able to feel it in every little gesture or word of her. He still needed to teach her that she did not have to prove anything, that she did not have to be worthy of his love. It was another step she had to take. But mentioning it now, made no sense. She was tired and drained and would only be paralyzed by her embarrassment and no word of his would get through her. Therefore, Rafael decided to enjoy the peaceful moment, slightly ignoring the little sting, when she clung onto him as if he feared, he would dissolve any minute. Instead, he ate the meal, which contained all her love.

Catherine turned off the TV meanwhile, putting the remote control away, because nothing should disturb their evening of reunion.

“I’m sorry, Cath.”, Rafael said after finishing his dinner, putting the plate back on the table and resting against. “I forgot to ask about your exams over my hunger. Any results?”

“Hmmhmm.”, she hummed, but Rafael was not sure, if it was a dismissal or a confirmation. “All passed. Regulatory metabolism with 86 percent, genomic microbiology 92 and biochemistry of microorganism with 89. Well, biochemistry isn’t official, but they hang out the answer key afterwards.”

“That’s incredible, mi amor.”, he said astonished and hugged her close to him, pressing a hard kiss against her forehead. “I’m proud of you.”

“It’s no big deal, nothing worth being proud of.”, she murmured against his shirt, her fingers clenching into the fabric in shame, blushing deeply, hiding her face against his side, because she still was not used to praise. Rafael turned his head to her, looking softly down at him.

“It is, but it’s okay, if you can’t believe it yet. I will be proud for you for as long as you’re not able to.”

“Rafael…”, she whispered flatly, being close to be speechless.

“I will not give up until you see yourself as who you really are.”, he promised her and he meant every word of it. Catherine’s picture of herself might be distorted and she was only slowly able to smooth it out again, but Rafael saw her bright and clear. He knew all her flaws and good qualities. Gently, he rested his hand on the back of her head, soothingly stroking through her hair. It was the best way to pull her out of her embarrassment, because it contained so many different kinds of love that it reached every layer of her being. It soothed the little girl, which had been abandoned by her parents, it showed compassion to the part of her, which had just freed herself and it expressed his love for her current self, though he liked to do it, too. He loved the feeling of her silky hair between his fingers, how her hazelnut brown complemented his skin colour. He loved the soft expression on her face, she always got, an expression of trust and love, she only had, when she was with him.

Immediately, Catherine’s eyes fell shut, her body relaxing under his ministration and the constricting feeling of embarrassment was lifted, her protective, raised shoulders slumping. When she blinked her eyes open, she had the same expression of being at peace with herself, she had after admitting her feelings for him and Rafael was still surprised and flattered, he was able to give her enough safety to accept every part of her.

“It’s a great achievement, Catherine.”, he emphasised once again. “And you deserve a reward.”

“A reward?” She tilted her head, wondering, which innuendo he had in mind, but her eyes glistened amused, her hand cupping his cheek, her thumb brushing over the corner of his mouth, which lifted immediately and he kissed his fingertip softly. Rafael only nodded, wrapping his arms around her hips, pulling her onto his lap. Catherine made a surprised noise, but then huffed and starred softly down at him. He looked up at her, her fingers brushing over both his cheeks, caressing him tenderly. There was not a single struggle that was not worth all the effort, when moments like this would be born out of it. 659 months he had experienced on this planet and for only five they had been a couple. It was such a small amount compared to the time he had lived and yet they were inseparably connected. There had been a time he laughed at couples, who were in love head over heels and could not be apart from one another, but now, he was not much better. Yes, they were both able to live without the other, the past month had showed it, but fact was they did not want to be apart. They wanted to be as close to each other as they possibly could in every minute their sparely time schedule allowed them to. “What do you have in mind?”

“How about we go on a date?” His warm eyes looked up at her, a soft smile spread all over his face. Catherine stumbled, blinking at him in wonder.

“A date?”, she repeated as if he had spoken in a foreign language, not getting what they needed a date for, when they were already a couple. Rafael always found the confused expression on her face adorable. The way, she wrinkled her forehead, her nose hunched, her eyes slightly narrowed. In those little moments, when she was brought out of concept, it was like the hard lines of her trauma were smooth out and the image of her 25-year-old-self overlapped her, making her look young, the pain of the world lifted off her.

“The both of us took it the completely wrong way.”, he chuckled and pecked her lips. “We’re a couple for five months and weren’t on a single date yet. I love our relaxed weekends in here as much as you do, Cath, and I don’t need anything more, but I think we’d both enjoy to get out of here and have some fun.”

“But the gala…”

“That was business and a necessity. This here is just about us.” His thumb rubbed the corner of her mouth, until Catherine huffed and the confusion puffed out of her.

“And what do you want to do?”, she asked, her hand moving to his temple, her fingers disappearing in his dark hair, stroking lovingly over his scalp. A pleasant shiver ran down his spine and through this action he knew, the idea was growing onto her. “I’m sure you have a very detailed idea of how it should take place.”

Rafael grinned, satisfied about how well she knew him. His arms snaked around her, pulling her a little closer.

“How about seeing a movie? Isn’t Captain Marvel 2 running at the moment?” Rafael believed it would be the best possibility of a date for her. They were out, surrounded by other people, but she did not have to see or intact with them and they would do something she liked, but Rafael also immediately saw, how a guilty conscious was born inside of her. Just as he had expected.

“You don’t like Marvel.”, she said quietly, contritely.

“Not much, but they aren’t bad.” He placed a kiss against her wrist. “And you love them.”

“I do, but isn’t a date supposed to be fun for both?”

“Oh, I’m going to have fun, but not because of the movie. Well, most part.” His expressive eyes looked back into hers. “I get to see, how you cheer for Carol, when she’s beating up the bad guys”

“How can I not?”, she asked with a bright, lively gleam in her sapphires. “I mean that moment, when Yon-Rogg tried to convince her to fight without her powers to prove, she’s worthy and she simply blasted him away with a gaze of _fuck off I don’t have to prove anything_. It was so damn epic.”

Catherine blushed immediately and froze, her hands falling down to her side and her shoulders rose, shame written all over her face. It was not the first time it happened. Catherine was a geek, that was nothing new, but every time she let this side out, she became ashamed of it afterwards, feeling ridiculous and childish, because of her behaviour, thinking it was inappropriate for a woman of her age and especially that she annoyed him with it. She feared, Rafael could not tolerate it.

“And I find you adorable like this.”, Rafael whispered against her forehead and kissed it gently.

“How can you?” Her murmur was quiet and pressed thin by the weight of her shame. “It’s ridiculous and childish. I’m acting like I’m 15. It must be so annoying for you.”

There they go. Was it a good sign that her trauma and brainwash became predictable? Did it mean, it was becoming weaker? That only those known triggers would cause the behaviour, which had been forged into her by pain?

“Not the slightest.”, he said determined, cupping both her cheek, making her look back into his eyes so she could see, he was honest. “It’s not ridiculous or childish, Cath, and it does not bother me. You deserve and have every right to behave like this and I’m glad, when you do. You never had a childhood or teenage years. You had no chance to be bold, enthusiastic and adventurous or to having a crush on celebrities. Ever since you live, you had to behave responsibly and mature, having no room to be, who you truly are and when you moved here to finally be, the slowly blossoming seed of personality was crushed by the darkness. Your soul is too old and wise for your age, maybe even for this world and too many times for my liking you look at me with tired eyes, who had seen the ground of hell. So, I’m glad, when this haziness disappears from them and they shine again. When you show, you haven’t lost the joy of life, the fascination of a child and the enthusiasm of a person full of dreams. Every time you explain something to me or give me trivia the only thing, I’m able to see is your strength. The world hasn’t defeated you, didn’t make you crumble. You were able to perceive all that’s precious about you. So be, who you are. Be bright, be loud, be enthusiastic, cheer and laugh, talk a mile a minute about the things you love, speak your mind, swoon over an actor, hear your music on full volume and dance through the house. Experience all you had to miss and enjoy the new chapter of life. Never be ashamed of yourself, never be ashamed of being Catherine Amell. You hadn’t been able to be her for far too long and I love you every part of you.”

Shimmering tears rolled of her eyes and Catherine tried to breath, but it got stuck in her throat, the air only coming out in a high pitched sob, when Rafael once again dismissed one of her concerns easily through logic, showing her a side of it, she had never been able to see on her own. Rafael hated to see her cry no matter if her tears were pearls of desperation or of healing. He hated, when Catherine was feeling bad. She had suffered enough for more than a life time. But still, he had expected a reaction like this. Although she had only been in her life for 59 months, he knew her well.

“Rafael…”, she whispered, when she finally found her voice back, her eyes quivering, when she looked back up at him. He gently wiped them away, smiling encouragingly, kissing her forehead, her eyelids, everything he could reach.

“I love you, Catherine.”, he said with all of the strength of his heart, while he cradled her in his arms, rocking her slightly. “And I’m in love with you.”

Catherine swallowed in his arms, showing she was able to understand the differences. Her finger clenched into his shirt and he felt, how they trembled. It was a pity that the cruelties committed against her were so grave that only the shaking of her distorted principles could galvanize her. Her heart had been taught too many times she was not worth anything that the slightest sign of love could overwhelm her, but it was the necessary strength and impact to shatter the darkness, which covered it. To his surprise, the tremor stopped quickly and she exhaled deeply, as if she could let out the darkness with it, her body relaxing against his. Rafael felt, how her aura cleared up and become the soft and warm one, he knew and fell in love with.

“You said once, I’m perfect for you.”, he continued, while resting his nose in her hair, enjoying the wonderful, warm scent of vanilla, which surrounded her. “And you are to me.”

For a blink of an eye, she tensed in his arms by his admission, but then she let it out again, accepting his words as true. She dissolved just enough to be able to look into his eyes and there were so many emotions swirling in her sapphires like the light dancing on the ocean and he was not able to identify all of them. Apparently, Catherine had decided it was enough drama for today, because she smiled one of her warmest, deeply moved smiles. The one, which made you feel like the most incredible person in the world. Her fingers found their way into his hair, trying to express her gratefulness by the caress.

“I feel a little overwhelmed by the sheer intensity of our feelings for each other.”, she explained whisperingly with a deep, thoughtful voice, her eyes staring at a spot on the wall behind him. “About how wonderful all of this is and some part of me still fear the point, when it’s going to end. I can’t believe in forever.”

“You don’t have to.”, he replied, gently stroking her cheek, their arms touching each other, both of them entwined much more than just their bodies. It felt like an ethereal mesh was shimmering slightly between them and connected them inseparably. “But shouldn’t you enjoy it even more if it can end anytime instead of protecting you from the end? What's the use of fearing something that could never happen? Then you miss everything. You are so used to missing things that you can’t even get yourself into anything.”

Catherine’s deep eyes returned to him, the thoughtful expression remaining, but what amazed Rafael the most was, she showed no signs of guilt or shame. All he could see was, how she took his words and to heart, honestly thinking about and valuing them and that the moment Rafael believed they could come through everything. They both respected each other enough to truly talk, Rafael willingly sharing his life experience with her and Catherine did not block his advice off, instead she listened to it carefully, valuing, if it was a helpful for her.

“You’re right.”, she admitted after several moments, her face softening. “And this here feels too good to miss any of it.”

“Good, it would be unfair, if only I have all the fun, don’t you think?”, he teased in an attempt to keep the mood light.

“Very unfair indeed.” Catherine chuckled freely, her eyes shining softly in his, while Rafael gently ran his fingers through her hair. Then, finally, Catherine kissed him softly and it felt like the sun was breaking through the clouds. “Thank you, my darling.”

How much he loved it, when she called him like this. It sounded sweet as honey and like the ultimate endearment with all the affection in her voice. Rafael wrapped his arms around her, holding her close to him physically and mentally, while he returned her tender caress and once again the fresh breeze of their love chased away every dark thought.

“You’re welcome, mi amor.” And he meant it. He had promised her to fight, when she was not able to and he would keep that oath. He would always do everything he could to help her overcome the demons inside of her. Immediately, Catherine’s eyes turned soft and she looked at him in endearment as if he was her hero, who could save her world. How could Rafael not feel like the most beloved person, when she was gazing down to him like this? With so much trust and love? “So, now, that we defeat the villain, shall we go? As far as I recall, the hero always gets the girl in the end.”

Catherine widened her eyes in surprise, while he grinned widely at her, pleased with her reaction, but then she realized, what he tried to accomplish and burst into a bright, clear laughter, fresh like a summer breeze. Her tender smile and the love in her eyes were reward enough to him. The way she wrapped her arms around his neck showed how much of a safe anchor he was for her.

“So, you’re the hero?”, she asked, playfully brushing her nose against his, a cheeky smile brightening her face.

“Hmmhmm…”, he hummed pleased, pulling her a little closer, his fingers massaging the small of her back and he looked up at her with half opened eyes. “Do you disagree?”

To his surprise, Catherine’s mischief turned into warmth, which ensnared him, pulling him into the dream, he wished he had never had to awake from.

“No. You are a hero to me, Rafael.”, she whispered gently and she aspirated the softest of kisses against his lips and his forehead. His eyes fell shut and he sighed happily, her love banishing everything evil inside of him. “And you already have the girl.”

“I do, don’t I?” He smiled, tracing her cheek tenderly. “It had been a long movie up to this point.”

Catherine chuckled, nodded and rested her forehead against his.

“Indeed.”, she admitted, while smiling softly, her fingers running through his hair. Rafael closed his eyes, he could not do it any differently, because he enjoyed it as much as she did and he felt, how their pocket dimension narrowed around them, alluring them to stay in.

“You don’t wanna go, am I right?”, he whispered against her lips.

“Your spell is too strong to escape it.”, she replied with a smile, which reached from ear to ear. “And the one of our pocket dimension.”

This time, Rafael chuckled and nudged her.

“You love this comparison, don’t you?” Then he blinked in confusion, looking into her eyes. “Wait, does this mean, we’re inside Goose?”

Catherine blinked as well, needing several moments to understand, what he was referring to, but then she blinked again, this time while being deep in thoughts. Goose was a Flerken, an alien race, which resembled to earth’s cat, and appeared in Captain Marvel. Flerken had pocket dimensions inside their bodies, which allowed them to swallow objects for protection and regurgitate them later on. They also stored large tentacles in them that they could deploy at will from their mouths to attack enemies and helped swallow large objects.

The moment she realized, what he was talking about, she laughed whole-heartedly, bracing herself on his chest and it did not die until she was gasping for air and tears rolled out of her eyes. Rafael smiled and enjoyed the brightness, which radiated from jovial joy.

“Maybe.”, she huffed hoarsely, while still chuckling underneath her breath.

“Perhaps we can safe Loki like that.”

“What?” She frowned confused, tilting her head. “How?”

“Have you never noticed the reoccurring cycle in Loki’s life? Loki gets the Tesseract, Loki dies, Loki gets the Tesseract, Loki dies Loki get the Tesseract.” Rafael laughed and pecked her lips, while Catherine was frozen in amazement by how much attention he had paid to the movies and what she told him, although he did not like them that much. She starred at him as if he was the most incredible, yet alien person on this planet, obviously not used to someone caring enough to dive into a topic, which was uninteresting. It was true, they were not his favourite movies, but he knew, what they gave her, offering her a hold, when she had to face her demons. Who would not want to have a superhero at his side when fighting against his personal villain? Despite, she loved it and that was reason enough for him to care about it, too. “If I remember correctly, Goose swallows the Tesseract at the end of Captain Marvel. So, maybe we’re going to find it, Loki does not get it, he might not die.”

“And what are you going to do with it, when we found it?”, she asked curiously, when her surprise had subsided.

“It was the Space Stone, correct?”, he asked and she nodded. “We could go anywhere in space?”

“Correct.”

“Hmm…” He tilted his head thoughtfully from side to side. “I would make a trip through all the dimensions and look for the place I like most. Despite, it would make travelling that much easier.”

Catherine grinned, obviously being in her element in those kinds of conversations.

“Okay, Rafael.”, she sighed and smiled. “Let’s go, see the movie.”

To his surprise, somehow this little banter was enough to convince her, he truly did not mind, but when she looked at him determinedly, he felt happiness spreading through his body. Catherine got up from his lap and in this moment, he felt like a wonderful spell casted on him was broken and he did not want her to leave. Immediately, Catherine held out her hand, smiling down at him, the low evening sun surrounding her and this moment, she appeared like an angel to him with her beautiful brown curls floating around her head and he would follow her everywhere. He took her hand and she pulled him to his feet. She laced her fingers with his, reflecting the bond, which existed between them. Both of them got their coats and left for the night to dive into another world.

~*~

It was dark and full in the cinema hall, the beam of the projector was flowing above their head. They had been lucky, the only free seats had been one for couples right in the back. Catherine’s eyes were glued onto the big screen, her body vibrating from all the adrenaline and excitement running through her veins and the brightest smile was plastered over her face, while Carol Danvers, also known as Captain Marvel, was destroying a ridiculously enormous space ship by flying through it in her invincible mode. Yeah, they got it, Captain Marvel was the most powerful person in this Cinematic Universe _yet_. No need to show it off so obviously, but Catherine enjoyed this battle scene, admiration shining like stars in her eyes and Rafael enjoyed the view. He could not care any less, only watching it with half an eye, his attention solely focused on Catherine, who was snuggled into his side, their hands entwined wonderfully and she shovelled one hand of popcorn after another into her mouth. This here was, what she truly enjoyed. Rafael was sure of it.

“Thank you, Rafael.”, she whispered into the silence, because everybody else in the hall held their breath. “You were right. This makes a lot of fun.”

He pressed a soft kiss into her hair and Catherine beamed up at him, her gratefulness almost jumping at him. She loved him unconditionally. That much was clear and that alone was reward enough for any mediocre movie he had to sit through. Despite, it was quite funny, how they were cuddling in an action movie as if it was the trashiest romance. Well, he knew they were not an ordinary couple in many aspects and he was very glad of it.

But why the hell had they to sit through over ten minutes of credits just for another scene, which was short as a blink of an eye, was a secret to him. He had no idea, what it meant, but Rafael was sure Catherine would explain to him in full detail later on, no matter if he cared or not. She would simply be overflowing by all her excitement. But one post credit scene was not enough. This time, there were three. Rafael groaned quietly, though, it was funny, how Carol blasted through one credit after another.  Catherine blinked up at him, but Rafael only stretched, wiggling in the seat, until he was comfortable again. He gently stroked through her hair, pressing another kiss against her temple. Gently, she rubbed his hand, playing with his fingers and Rafael loved the little tingles, which sparked through his nerves.

Around five minutes later, the light went on, blinding both of them. Catherine groaned, shielding her eyes and then she stood up. Rafael followed her, stretching his arms, which had become dead, while he had held her in his arms. Before he even noticed it, Catherine had placed a sweet, quick kiss on his lips. Rafael blinked, a little taken by surprise.

“That was an excellent idea, darling.”, she whispered lovingly. “Up for some ice cream and a walk on the Pier?”

“Are you going to talk my ear off?”

“Count it as a lecture in geekdom. For free.”

“Then count me in.” He chuckled and pecked her lips.

~*~

Catherine was overflowing from endorphins, when they walked over the Santa Monica Pier. She talked so fast and much, she forgot to eat her ice cream, until it melted and some drops fell onto her hand. Then, she quickly took a few licks and Rafael sensed, how much she disliked not being able to talk, until it repeated all over again. Rafael chuckled and licked on his chocolate ice cream. He had never expected him to find such a behaviour endearing, but it was a part of her and therefore he loved it.

“Having fun, mi amor?”, he asked, when she took a deep breath. She stopped, turning around to him, the crystal light of the moon making her shimmer.

“Too much?”

“No.” Rafael shook his head, walking up to her and kissed her, her lips tasting after lemon. “I’m happy, whenever you are.”

“But you aren’t listening.”

“Because you’re going to tell me everything all over again at breakfast tomorrow. So, I’m just enjoying the view for a while.”

“Rafa…”

“Don’t dare to apologise.”, he quipped and playfully dipped a bit of ice cream onto her nose. Catherine jerked back, wrinkling her nose, quickly wiping it away, before she glared up at him. Rafael grinned and continued walking. “It’s wonderful to see you this enthusiastic, cariño mio.”

“Did you like it at least a bit?” How could anyone not love her, when all she cared about was him. Only him. Rafael knew, she was still observing every reaction of his closely.

“I liked the first one more.” Rafael shrugged. “It had more of a buddy movie with Fury and it had an interesting twist, but the action scenes incredible, I have to admit that.”

Catherine exhaled in relief and walked up to him, while the last piece of the cone disappeared in her mouth. He reached her a hanky to clean her hands, which had become sticky through all the ice cream accidents. Catherine smiled thankfully and then his eyes wandered over the Pier, which was brightened by the beautiful light coming from the booths. It was rather uncrowded due to the time and it gave him an idea.

“Hey.” He nudged her to gain her attention. “Do we wanna ride the big wheel?”

“Really?”, she asked in surprise, likely never expecting him to be a person for this.

“The first date always is supposed to be something special and romantic.” Rafael took her hand and kissed it gently. “It is irrelevant that we have already been together for five months.”

Her eyes began to shine even brighter and he kissed her hand again.

“Since your idea with the cinema had been great, I don’t want to be like that. I agree.” Rafael shook his head and quirked an eyebrow. He knew, she was embarrassed to admit that it was something she had dreamed of. Just like he did at times, she was hiding her vulnerable side behind her wits.

“How gracious of you, mi amor.”, he said dryly, kissing her temple, but then he laced his fingers with her, rubbing the back of her hand, taking her away to a dream of lights and fairy tales. Let’s just hoped, they would not get attacked by aliens, because if he learned one thing in those movies, it was the Big Wheel was always attacked first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aware Raul also had a role in Hannibal, so, Catherine was obviously not watching an episode Dr Chilton was in, but I couldn't resist the little Metajoke and it's such a good show. :) 
> 
> How did you like it? Was the little quibbling nice?
> 
> At first, it was intended to explicit as well, but it developed differently. It seemed like Catherine was not up for it again. The next one likely is going to be.
> 
> I hope, I'll be to upload next weekend, but I'm not sure.
> 
> Nice Saturday to all of you. Bye, Subaru =)


	30. A couple of fate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael and Catherine celebrate their half a year anniversary together and a quite interesting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And once again a writing up to the last minute chapter :) they love to put me under stress ^-^

The sky was blue as if it knew any sorrows and sadness, the wind sang, the sound soaring towards the endless blue. The ocean stretched lazily onto the shore, the ancient power not completely awake yet just like Catherine and Rafael, who still rested entwined with each other in the foreign bed. It was the young morning of their anniversary. Half a year ago, Rafael had finally allowed himself to accept the feelings for the wonderful woman inside his arms to break free from the prison in the deepest corner of his heart, he had kept them in. It was a beautiful Friday, the air was clear and the sun war bright just like it always shone down on them as if tried to guard them, chasing the shadows of their past back to where they belonged. Rafael and Catherine had decided to use the current, less stressful time to go on a prolonged weekend in a wellness hotel to escape their lovely daily grind. Both of them enjoyed their everyday life together in which they were well attuned, but it was an ever-repeating cycle of a perfectly working couple.

Rafael had suggested the idea three weeks ago, when they had decided to stay in bed all Sunday long, simply talking to each other and cuddling. Ever since Catherine was 19, she had not had any break, having to face the most eternal existential crisis and afterwards she had to rebuild her entire life, while dealing with the aftermaths of every cruelty done to her. Therefore, he thought both of them could need a bit of free time, to be spoiled, to not having to care for anything. They get delicious food cooked and use the spa area or they could stay in their suit all day long, if they felt up for it. They did not have to adjust to the day and their work, the day had to adjust to them.

Catherine had been sceptical at first, not seeing any purpose. Their house in Malibu- and yes, by now, Catherine saw it as hers, too- was beautiful. It had a whirlpool and it rested at the ocean. She had not seen any reason to go to a spa hotel just 45 minutes away to get the same and to spend so much money for it, but Rafael had remarked, if they stayed home, she would never be able completely rest and therefore she would not relax completely. All he had wanted to offer to her was four short days of not having to take care of anything and do whatever pleased her heart without feeling guilty. She deserved to be spoiled, to be taken care of and to be honest, the thought had been pleasant to her, to stop for a moment, to take a deep breath and allow their time to slow down and to Rafael’s delight, she had agreed in the end.

Now, they laid in their suite in the Loewe’s hotel in Santa Monica right next to the famous Pier, where they had found each other again. Life was pulsating just five minutes away, but in here, everything was quiet and peaceful, not a single sound disturbing their rest despite the ancient melody of the beginning of life. It truly had costed a small fortune for the four days, but just the expression of awe on Catherine’s face, when she had opened their suite had been worth all of it. Her eyes had glistened in the brightest of blue, her jaw dropping, when she saw the elegant, modern furniture and the amazing view from their balcony.

Rafael stirred first, yawning and stretching, when the sun playfully poked his nose. A soft smile played around his lips, but he refused to open his eyes. He loved this state, when the senses slowly awaken and the first impressions were all filled with Catherine: her scent of vanilla, sweet and pure, her warmth, her trusted weight, the pressure of her arms tightly wrapped around him, her hair tickling on his skin, her breath stroking over his neck. It always reassured him it had not just been a dream.

Slowly, he blinked his eyes open just to see the beautiful, relaxed face of hers. She always looked young and innocent, when the blissful nothingness still held her tightly. Her hair shone in the colour of hazelnut, a smile of contentment resting on her lips. Rafael’s eyes became soft and tender. In those peaceful moments, fallen out of time, Rafael wondered, how he deserved this beautiful angel and then, he laughed every time at the thought only to snuggle deeper into her embrace. Maybe it was a dream, maybe it was his after life, maybe it was paradise or reality, Rafael did not care. He could not care, because wherever he was, he never wanted to leave. He had waited long to find someone like her, but it had been worth all those years of just having fun and never aim for more. His life had left no space for it anyway, but now, he had found the person, he wanted to settle down with.

Carefully, making sure not to wake her up, because she deserved all the sleep she could get, he stroked her beautiful, soft hair out of her face, which laid tousled all over the pillow, his thumb tracing over her cheekbones, the dark circles underneath her eyes not so prominent, when she slept. But soon, just to experience her through the fine nerves of his fingertips was not enough. Rafael leaned forward and kissed the corner of her mouth tenderly. Catherine stirred and breathed out softly, her smile becoming brighter, while she rose from the depths of her conscious, shaking off the blackness of sleep. Her bright eyes opened and starred up at him full of happiness.

“Good morning, mi amor.”, he whispered with a deep voice and placed a soft kiss onto her lips. Catherine sighed happily, cradling his face and she deepened the kiss, sliding closer to him.

“Good morning, my love.”, she replied, placing a chaste kiss onto his lips. “Happy anniversary.”

His face softened and he smiled even warmer, gently stroking over her back. How surreal it was. _Half a year._ Time truly ran by fast.

“Happy anniversary, Catherine.” He kissed her tenderly, softly, pouring everything into it and Catherine responded in kind. Love floated all over them, filling their suite with a comfortable atmosphere. “Thank you for every moment.”

Catherine still blushed adorably at every sign of affection and praise, hiding her head on his shoulder, but her embarrassment quickly disappeared by now and she did not protest any longer. Slowly, she looked back up at him and ran her fingers through his hair.

“Thanks for the past half year, Rafa. Actually, for every moment you shared with me.”

“Cath, you’re not allowed to win all the time. That’s against my combative spirit.”, he pouted playfully.

“I won’t spare your ego, Rafael.” She grinned widely and chuckled, pressing a tender kiss on his sternum. Rafael smiled fondly and cradled the back of her head, combing his fingers through her hair, while she did the same. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”, he said softly and kissed her chastely, his lips only feathery grazing over hers.  Catherine smiled, when they dissolved and rolled onto her back, stretching pleasantly in the soft sheets.

“That was such a wonderful idea.” Her smile was content, when she folded her arms under her head, the thin fabric of her pyjama hugging her body perfectly. Rafael moved closer to her, resting his head on her shoulder, burying his nose in the crook of her neck. Catherine hummed and closed her eyes again, enjoying this moment, which only belonged to them. This hotel room was even more of a pocket dimension than their home, because here they were even unharmed from everyday life. Every blink of an eye, every move of them, every sound only belonged to their love. “Thank you, Rafael.”

“My pleasure.” His voice was as soft as the breeze, which came into the suite from the balcony and made the translucent curtains dance. Catherine was still deeply moved by all the intention and thoughts he had put into this idea. She wrapped her arm around him, stroking over his arm. She loved it, when Rafael easily accepted to be hold by her. It proved, he felt safe with her, too and that she was able to protect him as well. Gently, her fingers went up to his hair, softly stroking it, while the fresh air playfully danced over their skins, teasing the sensible hairs on their arms. Catherine placed a long, sweet kiss into his thick, black hair and Rafael sighed happily, the softest smile on his lips. “And, what shall we do on our day?”

“Hmm…not leaving the bed for another hour?”, she asked, aspirating another kiss into his hair. “We've had so few cuddly mornings in the past.”

“That sounds like an excellent idea.”, he admitted, stretching like a lazy cat against her, wrapping his arms around her core, his fingers gently stroking over her stomach. Catherine shivered pleasantly, loving the prickling in her nerves. “And afterwards breakfast on the balcony?”

“Perfect…”, was all she could say to it, while she enjoyed being close to him. Half a year was gone, but still Catherine relaxed immediately as soon as she had a connection to him. She had learned by now that no matter what was troubling her, Rafael would support and protect her, because he truly loved her. It was still hard to believe at times and at some moments, she still wondered, why, but she never doubted that he did anymore. Finally, she was able to let herself fall, giving up her cautiousness and simply be, who she was and ever since she had, she improved quickly, almost being completely fine by now, her demon’s voices only vaguely whispering from the deepest corner of her mind. Sometimes, Catherine was not even able to understand them, which caused only vague feeling of anxiety inside her stomach, but it disappeared quickly, whenever he wrapped his arms around her.

“Hey, no drifting away on our anniversary. You stay right here with me.” Rafael kissed her ear and she chuckled, because it tickled slightly. “Right where you belong.”

He tilted his head to look up at her and the morning sun brought out the green in his eyes. Catherine also turned to him and they tenderly rubbed their noses together, both of them loving this little gesture.

From the Eskimo kiss it did not take long until their lips met for a lazy, slow kiss. One of those kisses, which unfolded all the love, which ran through the veins. Fluently, it grew deeper, Catherine’s hand wandering up to his cheek, while she rested herself half over him. Rafael’s hand found its way to her back, stroking her top out of the trouser, longing to feel her skin against his. Catherine huffed without breaking the kiss, smiling into it, because she felt the same urge. A few moments later, she dissolved from the alluring lips, who almost immediately called her back like sirens. Rafael half opened his eyes, haze covering them. Catherine smiled down at him, her long brown hair cascading down her shoulders like a waterfall. Just like almost always, he grabbed a strand and swirled it between his thumb and forefinger. Catherine shook her head, but smiled tenderly, before Rafael gently tucked on the strand, asking of her to come back down. She obliged, but instead for the lips, she went for the neck, her lips gently grazing over the sensible skin. Rafael’s breath hitched, only for him to inhale deeper. Catherine smiled contently, when he immediately tilted his head and exposed more without any hesitation. Tenderly and thoroughly, she kissed, licked or scraped her teeth over it, until he trembled to her satisfaction.

Only, when he whispered her name with the deep, love drunken voice, she returned, her tongue diving into his mouth, performing a complicated, but well-practised choreography with his. Both of them began to sigh and moan into the kiss, Rafael’s fingers twitching between her shoulder blades, their bodies moving on their own accord, their minds slowly disappearing. Deeper and deeper they dove into the ocean of their emotions, willingly forgetting the world around them. It could wait for them for as long as they needed to be away. Endorphins spread into every inch of her body offering the feeling of soaring through the air, feeling like being on cloud nine. Even when she tried hard, Catherine could not imagine anything being better than this and she normally was careful with superlatives and absolutism, but when something felt so perfect, it was meant to be, right? Could it truly be they had been destined for each other?

This possibility made her feel lucky and Catherine could not help but chuckle happily into the kiss. Rafael paused, because it likely was not the reaction he had expected. Frowning in confusion, he dissolved, looking up at her, his eyes shining like a meadow after a summer rain.

“Cath?”, he asked and tilted his head. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong.” She placed a reassuring kiss onto his lips. “I just thought, how lucky I am.”

“Lucky?” With a tender smile, Catherine nodded and then rested her head on her crossed arms on his chest, starring with brightly gleaming eyes at him.

“To have already found the man I belonged to.”, she whispered with voice silky from love. Taken aback, Rafael starred at her with an open mouth,

“Cath…”, was the only thing he was able to get out and Catherine always felt proud, when she was able to make him speechless. Then he huffed and shook his head, burying his fingers in her hair and gently scraping over the side of her scalp.

“What about you, Rafa? Are you still happy? No regrets?” Catherine leaned into the touch, savouring every moment of it. Rafael starred at her like she had suddenly turned into an alien and quirked an eyebrow.

“Are you having doubts again?”, he asked, not noticing her scheme, being too used to step backwards. “You know the answer.”

“Of course, I do.” She rolled her eyes, but smirked. “I just wanna hear you say it. Not only you like your ego being massaged, Rafael.”

The last syllable of his name rolled down from her tongue as if it was heavy, her eyes sparking with amusement. Rafael’s eyebrow quirked a little higher and although he looked sceptically at her, the main expression in his eyes was amusement.

She leaned in, hovering above his lips for a long time, starring teasingly down at him, a gaze duel developing between them, but in the end, Rafael laughed, letting out the playful tension, which had gathered between them. He simply was too happy about how well she was.

“If I didn’t know it better, I could think you’re a little tipsy.”, he quipped back, pecking her lips.

“Of course, I am.”, she replied casually, showing how far she had come. “Drunken from love.”

“Geez, Cath.” Feigned annoyed, he slammed his head into the pillow, squinting at her from the corners of his eyes. “That was awful.”

Catherine squealed loudly, when Rafael suddenly wrapped his arms around her and pulled her towards him. Laughingly, Catherine landed onto her back, her legs hanging in the air like a poor, unfortunate turtle. Playfully, she tried to escape him, but Rafael effortlessly pulled her back every time, placing wet, teasing kisses onto her neck and soon both them rolled over the sheets, though in a different manner than expected on an anniversary, but when had they ever been normal? Catherine’s bright laughter echoed through the room, when he tickled her lightly in punishment and she struggled, trying to free herself from his grip. If one would have told her just a year ago, what would have taken place right now, she would have declared him insane. Never ever had she expected Rafael to be this playful, or to be in love with her, but right now, it felt like the most normal thing to her and squabbling with him was one of the funniest things to her, lifting all of the shadows from her soul. In these moments, she was truly free and could enjoy to be alive. Likely, Rafael knew and therefore enjoyed it as well.

“Rafa, please stop.”, she begged, when she got no air anymore, her diaphragm protesting with every other soundless laugh, which escaped her. Immediately and without any hesitation, he did, his fingers reaching for her hand, lacing them with hers, pulling onto them until she rested completely on him, their legs automatically entwining as well. Catherine rested her head on his collarbone, looking back up at him.

“Of course, I’m happy, Cath.”, he whispered and smiled tenderly down at her, rubbing his thumbs over the heel of her hand. Then, he wrapped his arm around her, hugging her closer to him. Catherine rested her head above his heart, closing the eyes and listened to the steady, calm thud underneath his chest. He threaded his fingers through her hair, gently easing a few little knots, which had resulted through tossing in her sleep. Catherine knew, she moved a lot in her sleep, maybe in a subconscious protecting mechanism and sometimes wondered, how Rafael was able to stay in bed with her or if he fell out and simply sneaked back in without ever losing a word on it.

Catherine smiled happily and closed her eyes, when he kissed lingeringly onto her head. She returned in kind, placing her lips onto his heart in a sweet touch.

“See, that’s all I wanted to hear. Was it that difficult?”, Catherine teased, her foot gently rubbing over his leg. Rafael laughed, disbelievingly shaking his head at her, suddenly sneaking his hand to her front and tickling her lightly. Catherine squealed and squirmed in his arms, rolling off him in her struggle to free herself. After just a few moments of teasing, he stopped and pulled her back against him, placing a long kiss on her shoulder, before burying his head in the crook of her neck.

“I’m glad, how well you are.”, he whispered warm and low, while he wrapped his arms tighter around her, stroking over her stomach, looking out of the window to the blue sky above the ocean, a few clouds floating as white dips through it.

“All thanks to you.”, she replied, rubbing her nose over his cheek, while she almost purred, because he combed lazily through her hair. Rafael paused with his action, opening his eyes and starring at her. Catherine felt his concerned gaze, blinking her eyes open, unwillingly returning from the blissful state she had been in and looked up at him. Slowly, she turned around to him.

“I’m not sure if you said it as a joke or if you were serious.”, Rafael mused with a strict expression in his eyes. Catherine swallowed, when his gaze pierced through her, suddenly making her feel like a dumb, little child, who longed to hide behind her father’s back. Shyly, she lowered her head, awaiting his scolding. Rafael noticed immediately and exhaled deeply, relaxing his muscles and easing her mind a little. “Let me make one thing clear, mi amore, it’s not my credit.”

“But I wouldn’t have been able to without your help.”, she replied quietly, still not daring to look back into his eyes.

“I might have been your support…”, he said calmly, but determinedly. “But it’s your achievement.”

Catherine only stared at him, not really sure, what kind of expression to put into her eyes. She only looked at him, trying to find an answer, anything, but her mind was blank. She was not even sure, if it was shock or anxiety, which had chased every thought of her away, supressing her personality. Immediately, the hardly kept façade of seriousness melted away from Rafael’s face and fell to the ground. He had wanted to intensify the impact of his words, but when he saw, how confused and insecure she looked at him, he could not keep it up anymore.

“Oh, Cath. Don’t look at me like that.”, he said softly, gently stroking over her cheek. “I’m not scolding you. It was a compliment.”

With a flowing movement, he rolled on top of her, kissing her gently onto her forehead.

“My wonderful.” He pressed a kiss next to her eyes. “Strong.”

His lips gently touched her cheek. Catherine huffed and the paralysation disappeared with every magical kiss of his, because yeah, they were magical and meaningful and the most wonderful thing on earth. They were perfection crafted into touch and nothing could ever be any better.

Then, his lips hovered above hers, just not touching her and it drove her crazy.

“And what else?”

“What?” Confused, she looked up at him, blinking rapidly.

“The last one is yours. Tell me, what are you? I won’t kiss you, before you don’t give me a proper answer. So, use your clever brain and finally break through the distortion picture implanted in you. Tell me, who you really are. Come on!” His voice dropped low, dangerously low and chills ran down her spine. He knew, she could hardly resist this tone of his. “I know, you want me to kiss you.”

Catherine’s heart raced, fired up, by the hotness of his voice and by God, his voice was incredibly hot and Rafael was very well aware of it. He used it against her to help her and she was not sure if she should be mad, because he was manipulating her in a positive way or if she should be moved.

“Come on, Cath.”, he encouraged her, his warm breath flowing over her like a warm frog as if it was mist dancing between the stones of a Fairy Circle, which were spread all over the United Kingdom, and whispered tales from another time and world.

But finding an answer to his request was not easy for her. Every time a vague idea of a positive adjective formed inside her head, her demons took the word and tore it apart until it was only shreds, which fluttered to the ground.

“Nice?”, she tried insecurely.

“Not strong enough, mi amor.”, he whispered and poked her with the tip of his nose. “Try again!”

Catherine strained her brain, she really did, but the only thing that came up to the surface, where the bad things, which had been held up to her. She looked everywhere inside her soul, behind every door, but there was nothing. As if Rafael was her sun and when he did not provide any light, it was still dark inside of her and to look into this depth scared her, because she knew, that there were still monsters lurking in the shadows and Catherine was not sure, if her sword was sharp enough to fight them off.

“Kind.”, was her second try.

“Better.” Rafael’s voice became warmer and he rubbed his nose against hers. Catherine smiled slightly, because the gesture was too sweet and tender to do otherwise “But still not acceptable. Equal or better than strong. I won’t go lower.”

Catherine puffed a laugh, which broke free from her. When had this started? Why had she begun to play lawyer with him was a mystery to her, but it truly had become a ritual game between them. Anyway, it always cheered her up.

“Empathetic.”

“We’re getting closer.” And with that, his voice dropped a few nuances, his thumbs grazing over her cheekbones.

“Empathetic is as meaningful as strong.”, she tried to bargain, because this game was embarrassing her.

“I’m the judge and I say, it’s not enough to seal the deal.”, he declared. “Come on, I know, you can do it.”

“Incredible.”, she said. Rafael huffed and poked her again.

“Right intensity, but you don’t believe it. Therefore, not accepted.”

“Rafa…”, she begged agonized, the task almost causing her pain. That had not been a condition. He truly had to make it hard for her and Catherine felt overwhelmed. She knew, what he tried to achieve and she truly loved him for it, but it felt impossible to her.

“No.” Rafael shook his head determinedly. “I’m not open for an offer.”

Catherine sighed. She was in misery. She knew how stubborn her love could be and he would not let go, until she succeeded in the fight against herself. She had to fulfil the request or it would not end. Therefore, Catherine closed her eyes, trying to take in the sound waves of his voice, maybe they would resonate with a word, which was related to them and was hidden deep inside of her.

“Amazing…”, it suddenly echoed out of her and she blinked her eyes open.

“Was that a question?”, Rafael asked, trying to beacon her out of her comfort zone and finally talk positively about herself.

“I’m amazing.”, she whispered quietly.

“Louder!”, he challenged her, his energy feeling like a shock wave against the wall, behind which she sometimes still hid and it crumbled, because she wanted to be this person for him.

“I’m amazing, okay?”, she exclaimed, laughing honestly, when she set herself free once again and immediately, Rafael’s lips were on hers. Catherine took in a deep breath, enjoying the sensation, which ran through her and the return of her light. She moaned, when Rafael cradled the back of her head and pulled her closer, deepening the one gesture, which would save both of them at any time no matter the circumstances, being a lifeline for both of them.

“Yes, you are amazing, Cath.”, Rafael whispered against her lips, kissing her briefly once again. “You have to be. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have fallen in love with you.”

Catherine swallowed, stunned by surprise, when he said those grave words casually as if he was talking about how wonderful the weather was. On the other hand, it was the most convincing argument, she had heard, because he was right. Rafael was not a person, who would fall for a person, who was not special and incredible. She still could not understand why, but she did not doubt that he truly loved her. How could she? Rafael was the most wonderful person she had ever met. For 15 years, every had tried to harm her, but he always cared for her.

“Well, now, that we’ve worked this out…” One last time, Rafael kissed her softly, but then he sat up and immediately, she felt a little lonelier and colder, looking after him, when he left her. Of course, she knew, he did not, but it felt like it. A small seed of doubt crept up inside of her, if she was too dependent on him, if she was unhealthy for him, if it was a hopeless, doomed devotion, but she trampled it, because it should not ruin their anniversary. “Breakfast?”

Rafael looked at her over his shoulder. Stunned, she stared blankly at him, blinking several times, before she realized, what he had said. Quickly, she grabbed a pillow and threw it at him. Rafael caught it, laughed and put it back at its place.

“Is that a cryptic agreement?”, he asked, his eyes sparkling amused at her.

“Yes.”, she replied smilingly.

“Okay. You take a shower, cariño mio, and I order breakfast.” When he was about to get up, Catherine grabbed his arm and held him back.

“Rafa?”

“Hmm?” His beautiful eyes returned to her.

“Thank you.”, she whispered with a voice full of gratefulness. Rafael’s expression melted into a warm, soft shine and he nodded. He took her hand and kissed her knuckles.

“De nada, Cath.”

~*~

Half an hour later, Catherine returned from the bathroom, rubbing her still damp hair dry, her curls slowly forming again. Rafael sat on the balcony with the already delivered the breakfast. The side table was laid with plenty of food. Bread and other pastries, spread, cold cuts, scrambled eggs, bacon and fruits. In silvery cans, which emitted steam, likely waited coffee and hot chocolate to be drunk. It looked delicious.

Smiling softly, Catherine walked up to Rafael, who had his cup already filled with his obligatory coffee. His eyes hang over the ocean, which shone bright blue and rolled lazily on the beach. A gentle breeze ruffled through Rafael’s dark strands and his loose, white shirt. Catherine stopped behind him and wrung out her hair above his head in a little punishment for his wicked prank. Rafael startled, his head snapping up to her, while she grinned mischievously down at him.

“Okay, we’re going to add cheeky to your list.”, he laughed, while wiping the few drops from his face.

“Playful.”, Catherine corrected, while she wrapped her arms around his shoulder.

“Cheeky.”, Rafael insisted and smiled, leaning his head against her, while she gently stroked through his hair, enjoying the warm sun shining down at them.

“Okay, fine.” She sighed theatrically. “But you love me for it.”

“That I do.”, he confirmed, covering her hands with his, rubbing over her palm. Catherine chuckled and placed a soft kiss into his hair, before she let go of him, taking her seat in front of him. When she reached for a croissant, she noticed, that Rafael made no move to get something himself. She tilted her head questioningly.

“Rafa?”, she addressed him, slowly pulling him back into present. He blinked and his dreamy gaze became clearer.

“You’re beautiful.”, he whispered. Her heart sped up and she swallowed, the piece of croissant coated with the reddest strawberry jam almost falling out of her hand. But she caught herself quickly and smiled as fondly as he looked at her.

“You’re, too.” Rafael looked at her surprised, because it was the first time, she actually said it and that was a culpable negligence. “I love you, Rafael.”

“I love you, too, Catherine.” He smiled softly and picked up his cup. “To half a year of a dream.”

“A wonderful dream.”, she chuckled with a slight blush on her cheeks, but she held his gaze and chinked her cup of hot chocolate with him.

They ate in silence for quite a while, enjoying the sun, which warmed the skin, the melody the ocean sang together with the seagulls and the quiet music, which breezed over from the Santa Monica Pier. Catherine watched the wagons of the roller coaster for a while, smiling, when it drove up the tracks and then raced down the hill. She took another croissant, which she dipped into the wonderful fruity jam, the though jelly holding tight onto the pastry and shining in the deepest of red.

Catherine paused halfway to her mouth, when she felt a longing gaze upon her. Blinkingly, she looked up and realized, she was not the target of the plaintive expression in Rafael’s warm eyes. It was her croissant, which was a sin of fat and sugar, but oh so delicious, while his plate was only filled with scrambled eggs and a fruit salad. He still needed to be on a lose diet, because his results were not completely normal, yet. Therefore, no food sins for him, although Rafael _loved_ those, just as much as she did. He looked like a child in a Dickens’ book, which glared longingly through the window, where a family had a comfortable dinner in front of the fire place. Catherine smiled tenderly, because it was cute. Yes, Rafael Barba, the righteous, fierce, arrogant, sassy, strong, kind, warm and gentle prosecutor was cute above all else. Carefully, she tore a small piece of her croissants and coated it with a thin layer of the jam. Rafael frowned, because the other end of it was still all set up to be eaten, but his eyes became soft, when she wordlessly held out the piece, smiling encouragingly at him. Gratefully, he took it from her and ate it, his eyes closing, when the wonderful taste of strawberries filled his mouth. Catherine smiled happily, when she saw this tender expression on his face. When the last piece was swallowed, Rafael took her hand and kissed it, his lips still a little sticky from the jam. Catherine chuckled, but only stared lovingly at him.

“Hey, Rafa?”

“Hmmm?” He blinked and raised his eyes, but his lips still touched her knuckles tenderly.

“We are a good team, aren’t we?”, Catherine tried to make it sound like a joke, a casual statement, but her insecurities were not completely defeated yet, though she was sure, it was only a matter of time. Rafael blinked twice, then lifted his head, smiling softly, holding her small, filigree hands in both of his.

“Yes, mi amor, we are.”, he whispered softly, caressing her hand. “And we’re also a great couple.”

Catherine laughed softly and nodded. Only half a year. It was such a short time and yet, they were so perfectly, secretly building up the basis of their relation, while both of them were unaware of their feelings for each other. Catherine had thought a lot about when it all had started. When they had passed this crossroad without noticing it and surprisingly both decided to take the same path. When had been the decision if they had stayed friends or would have become a couple?

She rested their joined hands down, looking over the ocean for a while, enjoying the wind, which ruffled through her hair. Where and when had been the point of no return?

“What are you thinking about?” Just like always, Rafael’s voice pulled her out of the perfect silence of their thoughts. Catherine turned her head to him, who had tilted his head and only watched her with a soft smile.

“I've been wondering for a while, when was the point where I fell in love with you.” She huffed a laugh. “But I haven’t found an answer yet. Do you know, when you began to fall for me?”

Was it egoistic to ask this question? That she just wanted to hear, why and how much he loved her so she was able fill up her lacking self-confidence? It should from herself and not through him, but she felt overwhelmed with the task of loving herself. How could she, when even the feeling of being loved was sometimes too much to handle and self-love demanded so much more strength.

“You’re asking me?” He laughed quietly. “I was the last one to realize them.”

“I think admitting is the better word.”, Catherine stated and smiled slightly, although it appeared that the air had grown heavier and tensed between them. “I guess, we had already been in love with each other for quite a while, then.”

“You’re probably right.” Rafael’s face expression became thoughtful, his forehead resting in deep wrinkles, while he thought about an answer. It was the same expression he had on the evening shortly before she had confessed her feelings to him, when he had thought about his answer to her question. He stayed silent for a while, likely going through all the memories of them and those were quite a lot and rather emotional. Catherine saw, how is topazes moved from one side to side, while his brilliant brain tried to figure out the answer. His brain was, what she loved most about him. The sharp wits and sarcasm, his intelligence and wisdom, how he always tried to figure everything out, how much thought he put in the smallest of things, worrying and caring about her all the time and his view on the world. Rafael’s mind was fascinating and the most attractive attribute she had ever seen.

Absently, his fingers played with hers, moving them forward and backwards or to the side, lacing his own with them or gently squeezed their tips.

“That’s not a question being answered easily. I wasn’t suddenly hit by cupid’s arrow. It was a rather fluent progress.”, he broke the silence. His dark eyes looked back up at her and the moment, their gazes met, both their expressions turned soft. In this moment, Catherine felt happy and fluffy. Rafael was such an incredible man. She remembered, how she had watched White Collar or This is us and how much she had wished that one day, she would have a relationship like it was portrayed in there. Healthy, supportive, everyone would swoon over and say they were adorable. But if she was honest, she had never expected to have that luck. “But I will try.”

He took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment. Catherine’s heart drummed inside her throat, while she waited for his answer and suddenly, she felt nervous. Her mind raced through all of their memories, wondering, which had meant the most to him, which one he was going to pick.

“Once upon a time, there was a handsome, incredible prosecutor in New York…” Catherine dropped her head, rolling her eyes.

“Rafa, it’s not a fairy-tale.”, she scolded him and gently kicked his shin, while she laughed honestly, but Rafael had succeeded with his plan. The atmosphere turned light-hearted and relaxed again, the heaviness of the question disappearing into the wide-open sky above them, flying away with the seagulls and the wind.  

“Okay, okay.” He lifted his hands in defeat and laughed with her. “I’m serious, now.”

His eyes turned soft again. He slid his chair back, opening his arms.

“Come here.”

“Rafa, that’s not necessary.”, she whispered breathlessly.

“No, but I want to. Is that so hard to believe I want to have the woman I love close, when we talk about the wonder that we ended up here?” Catherine blinked, her mouth slightly open, not sure what to make out of it.

“Yes, it is…somehow.”, she said hesitantly and Rafael chuckled. “I’m not a child.”

“No, you’re not, but she’s still inside of you and she longs for just as much love as you do. So, I’m going to tell her a story, how she’s finding her prince in the future. I’m going to be your boyfriend and her father for a while and I know, how weird and strange this sounds, but I think, that’s what you need.”

“Rafa…” How was it possible, he always knew so easily, what she longed for deep inside of her? Before she even knew it, she was up on her feet and down sideways on his lap, snuggling close to him, resting her head on her beloved spot against his shoulder, the place, where she had always felt safe and her eyes closed. Rafael wrapped his arms around her like he always did, but it did not feel like automatism. It felt just as tender as it did the very first time, back in his flat in New York, when Rafael had offered her comfort for the first time in forever and the gesture still meant just as much to her, because it still felt as honest as back then and Catherine hoped, it would always be that way.

“But the starting point was not all wrong, Cath.”, he whispered softly and pressed a sweet kiss into her hair, a kiss, which transported all of him into her and the intensity of him felt like a warm storm, overwhelming and almost dangerous on the outside, but calm and gentle in the centre. Sometimes, it scared her how often she thought about forever, when she was with him, how easily it slipped into her mind and how much she wished for it. How much she longed for being able to stay in his arms, until the end of time. “I think, we laid the basis of it back then.”

“In our very first moment?”

“My first moment.” He smiled warmly in her hair. “You, mi amor, already had an eye on me.”

“Haha…”, she huffed and gently pushed against his chest, because she knew, how he meant it and Rafael made this wonderful, deep chuckle, she loved about him, that chuckle, which sounded so happy and carefree and Catherine always was surprised she made him that happy. That she was able to lift the weight of his job off him, but somehow, magically, she did.

“You know, what Liv told me on her first weekend here?”

“No. What did she say?”

“That I had an instant liking on you.”, he whispered tenderly into her hair. “And just like always, she was not wrong about it. You were my first time in many aspects. The first person a victim met after such a trauma become their trusted a person. Normally, it was one out of the squad, but you, Cath, you were the first, who had chosen me.”

Rafael rested his chin on her head, pulling her a little closer and Catherine could feel, how he closed his eyes.

“Most of the time, I had been the one, they disliked at the end, because I had to dig out the dirt. I had to be the mean one.” His voice was absent as if he was in a place very far away in his mind, letting out feelings, which had been carefully kept there for a long time and Catherine heard, how much it pained him, although he had never allowed this feelings to get him otherwise he would have likely shattered. “A few had been grateful, but most thanked them. That was alright, because they had collected all the evidences, they had solved the case, but…”

Rafael stopped for a moment, licking over his lips, the words getting stuck.

“But you felt left out…”, Catherine whispered. “That you were not part of the reason for their freedom. As if your work doesn’t mean as much. After all the hard work, you just had to win the case. Easy peasy.”

He chocked above her and his body slightly trembled. Catherine wrapped her arms around him and placed a kiss against his collarbone. Rafael sniffed. He truly sniffed, allowing himself to feel everything, even the ugly things.

“Yes…”, he whispered with a strained, flat voice, which broke the moment it left his lips. He took a deep breath. “But you were the first, who had thanked me first after it was over and I had meant so much more to me than I had let on in this moment.”

“Shall we stop?”, she asked, resting her hand comfortingly onto his arm. “We can, if you’re not ready to face it yet. If you want today to stay happy.”

Rafael hesitated, exploring his own soul, if he truly wanted to talk about it today. He felt, how his heart shook and trembled as if it was about to erupt and he loved the kindness and comfort she offered him.

“No.”, he said and placed another kiss into her hair. “I want to tell it. I think, it’s going to help the both of us. Please, be patient with me, because I’m still trying to figure out the words to express, what had been vague inside of me for a long time.”

“Okay…” She cupped his cheek and kissed his chin. Rafael’s embrace twitched. “I’m here, when it gets too strong. You can hold onto me.”

Rafael nodded and took another deep, inhaling her scent, which always calmed him, because he knew, she had seen the worst of him, or rather, what he saw as the worst. She had seen him weak and vulnerable, when he cracked and broke and she was still here, still with him and fought so hard to become better for him, because she loved him this much. He could not be that bad, then.

“I love you, Cath.”, he whispered and it sounded like another confession, maybe because he was falling in love with her again in this special moment on top of the world, only the sky and ocean being their limits.

“I love you, too, Rafael. In this moment more than ever. You’re beautiful like this.”

“Fragile?”

“No, honest with yourself.” She smiled warmly, kissing his jawbone again, before she settled back against him. “So, tell me a story, my love. I, no _we_ , would love to hear it.”

Rafael huffed a chuckle, starting to stroke her hair right away.

“When I walked into this shabby café…”

“It really was shabby.” Catherine laughed, resting her ear on his heart and it tucked a smile out of him.

“And saw you, it made me aware, how far-reaching such a horrible crime was. Not that I haven’t known it beforehand, but you made me see it. There you were, just 29 years old, and you should have been on top of the world. You should have been thinking about getting married, of having children, about your job and your career and with which of your friends you should spend the Friday evening. If you should go and see a movie and if yes, which, or if you should do a girl’s night, but instead, you had seen hell and were all alone. You were a ghost, abandoned and hurt by the world, which should have given you everything, because you deserve everything, cariño mio.” He pressed a hard kiss against her temple. “I looked into eyes, which were broken and dull, but I could see the deeply hidden shine, which wished to come to the surface like the sun fighting against a very tight cloud ceiling. And in this moment, I was confronted with the raw damage, what such a crime could cause and not the diminished impact, when the first storm flood had been over. But now, I was responsible for you, your emotions, pain and well-being and I had no idea, what that contained. I was not prepared for this. I was not prepared for _you_.”

“For me?”, she repeated and the words tasted strange on her tongue.

“I know, it sounds weird for now, but give it a bit. I’ll get there.” A slow rumble rolled its way out of his lunges just like a tear ran out of his eye, when the memories of their first meeting returned to him. “You had been so broken, hurt, lonely and afraid and yet strong, tough and hardened, young and yet old. You were so contrary, hanging on the edge and I had no idea, how to help you, but all I knew was, that I wanted to. I wanted to become the person for you, who Liv and the others normally were. I wanted to protect you, mi amor, right from the beginning. You could not see it back then, but I clenched a fist under the table and vowed to lock them forever behind bars for what they did to you. To a girl, who probably would have had a wonderful future otherwise.”

“But why me? I was not your first victim or the worst or the only one, who handled it quite well.”

“No, you weren’t.”, he whispered, sighing deeply and tiredly. “But you were one of the worst, in which the victim survived and I know, I should not say it as if it was an achievement or a competition.”

“I can’t even imagine how hard this job must have been. To have to face the worst of humanity. All those gruesome things the specie, which is supposed to be the most superior on this planet, is capable to do to each other.” Catherine dissolved, cupping his face in both of his hands, offering him hold and strength.

“And the weirdest thing was, I loved the job and not for the competition or the victory. Okay, partly, for the competition and victory.” He laughed dryly, his fingers clenching slightly into her arm. “I was tired of it all, when I met you, drained and exhausted, wondering how many moles we had to hit back into earth to finally stop them coming up, but you made it clear to me, why I was doing it all in the first place, for whom I was doing this endless task and why I loved it.”

“Was that the reason, why you had come to find me? Because you wanted to know, how it was like to be there for a victim?” Over the time, Catherine had learned to hate the word and it always left a bitter taste on her tongue. That was not her definition anymore. She was not just a victim, not anymore. It was a part of her, which would never disappear, but it was not her whole personality. Rafael had showed and given her another aspect.

“Yes…”, Rafael said slowly and looked at her. “And no…”

“You know, I always asked myself, why you came. I’m not so trusted with the protocol, but as far as I know, it wasn’t your task.”

“No, it wasn’t.” He smiled and aspirated a soft kiss on her lips. “I was around, when we got the notification that you were back on radar.”

“Around? But why were you…” It had not been his quarter or his area. Catherine had been a little bit of a stalker, because she had wanted to know the man to whom she would entrust her life. Then, suddenly, it dawned at her and she widened her eyes, sliding back and starred up at him. “No, no, that can’t be.”

She shook her head several times, her mind suddenly blank, a wild mix of feelings running through, disbelief spreading through her.

“It was…” She stopped, because she still could not belief it, her heart racing inside of her, pumping adrenaline into her blood and coloured her cheeks into the brightest of red. That was crazy, it was insane and totally unbelievable, but the way Rafael smiled at her, her conclusion was right. “It was your 50’th Birthday.”

“It was.”, he confirmed casually, calmly as if this was not a fucking, mind-blowing cognition.

“You had been on your way to your Birthday dinner.”, she realized.

“I was.” He nodded, keeping it calm and Catherine was not sure, if she should freak out or feel guilty. Therefore, she only starred at him, her mouth opening and closing, because she had forgotten, how to speak. Then, the guilt won, pressing down the surprise and she wanted to lower her head, but Rafael immediately caught her chin, slowly lifting it back up.

“I’m sorry, Rafael. It was your Birthday and you had to grapple with me…with this broken, hurt something.”

“Cath, listen to me.”, he whispered gently and brushed his thumb over her cheek. “You weren’t the first case, who interfered something important, not even the first, who had interrupted my Birthday and you weren’t the last.”

“But you had to spend your entire Birthday with me in the precinct and in hospital and afterwards even took me in and all I did was being scared, when you came to look after me, when I had a nightmare.”, she whispered contritely, her shoulders lifted up to her ears.

“That was the reason, why I never mentioned it. No need to feel guilty. You ruined nothing, mi amor. I decided to stay with you and to take you in.”, Rafael said and held her chin gently, but determinedly so that she was not able to lower her head. “And it was not all you did that night. You entrusted me with your trauma and pain. Out of whatever reason you decided to feel safe with me and it truly meant a lot to me. More than I have ever imagined. Somehow, you fitted perfectly into a hole, I didn’t know about. Actually, I’m glad it turned out like this. It was the day, I got to know you and look, where we ended up.”

Catherine blinked her eyes open in surprise, starring back up at him. Rafael smiled fondly down at her, placing a sweet, soft kiss against her lips, putting every nuance of him into it.

“My Birthday miracle.”, he whispered happily, when they dissolved, rubbing his nose against hers. In this moment, all of her insecurities fell shattered of her and a few tears of wonder fell out of her eyes. Their story was truly incredible, a story of unlikeliness and yet, here they were. She smiled and quickly wiped her tears away together with the sadness.

“So, we truly met for the first time on your Birthday?”, she asked. “We’re not just going to celebrate 55’th Birthday in two weeks, but also the one of knowing each other for 5 years?”

“Yes.” Rafael smiled warmly and kissed her again, enjoying the warmth, which spread through them from they touched each other. Catherine cradled his cheeks, trying to reassure herself, he was truly there, that he was real.

“We truly are a couple of fate.”, she declared almost speechless, when she snuggled back into his embrace, closing her eyes and melting with him. Maybe, forever could exist, maybe forever was a possibility and maybe forever was their destiny. Slowly, Catherine truly started to believe that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: Even before Cath and Rafael became a couple, I made a time chart in which I wrote down the most important dates and how old they are at which point of the story. I chose the 24.10 for their first meeting without ever looking up Raúl's Birthday before. Even when I decided to choose that Rafael has the same, I did not realize it. I only noticed it now, when I checked the chart for this chapter. You can't imagine how surprised I was that their first meeting was incidentally put on Rafael's 50'th Birthday. It truly must have been fate. So I had to bring it up in this chapter. :D that must have been quite a shock for poor Catherine.


	31. Rebirth of freedom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Rafael's Birthday and Catherine is determined to make this day special. She succeeds, though different than expected.

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear Rafael, happy birthday to you.”, a sweet voice sang, waking Rafael from his slumber, soft kisses gently pressed against his temple, cheek and finally on his lips. Rafael smiled, while he slowly woke up, his eyes opening. It had been many years since someone had sung this for him and it was a little silly, but who cared? He was freshly 55 years old and enjoyed it that his girlfriend sang him a birthday serenade. Slowly, his eyes adjusted to the clear, fresh light of a new dawn and he looked up into irises as bright and blue as the sky.

“Hmm, I could get used to wake up like this.”, he whispered sluggishly, while stretching pleasantly and then he turned his head to the most beautiful sight. Catherine rested above him, her smooth hands gently carressing his cheeks, placing another kiss on his lips. Rafael sighed deeply, his eyes falling close again, his hands cradling her cheeks, his thumbs brushing over her silky, soft skin. Catherine made the kiss last, reinitiating it every time when both had breathed. Rafael could feel her intention to make this Birthday special, after she had ruined the first according to her and forgot the second. Well, all good things came by threes and it was not like Rafael would mind. He loved to be woken up by her kisses. “Good morning.”

“Good morning.”, she whispered softly and even let his tease slip. She gave him another kiss, which felt like the last in a series, a soft and warm final. She hovered above him, when she whispered with the softest voice: “Happy birthday, mi amor.”

Rafael’s heart melted, when she used his endearment and tried her best to speak it out perfectly, to make it sound as tender and full and warm like he always did. She did not succeed completely, but almost and Rafael loved her for trying. He knew, she would do everything to make today perfect, because she had not understood yet that every day with her was. And he certainly did not mind. Rafael knew, how to work hard and to renounce things, but he had always loved to be spoiled and if she felt better through it, it was a win-win situation for them both. He only needed to make sure was, she did not outdo herself to make up for the past birthdays.

“Thank you, my love.”, he whispered, smiling warmly and gratefully up to her. Catherine beamed gleefully, her eyes sparkling in the trusted brightness of aquamarines, his thanks still meaning the world to her. Catherine would always be a woman, who was only truly happy, if she could provide joy to others. Although she had every right to have become a selfish person, to use every chance, opportunity and advantage offered to her, Catherine had become the definition of altruism. At first, Rafael had been concerned it was an attempt to gain affection, but over the time, he had understood, it was her natural. She simply was not a selfish person and would never be.

Rafael sat up, stretching his blissfully relaxed muscles. They had used the whirlpool the past few evenings. Ever since Catherine had dared to swim in the pool during their anniversary holiday, which had been rather empty to their luck, she had grown brave enough to wear a bikini and after a few more awkward tries, Catherine had even grown comfortable. In general, Catherine had become much more relaxed, only small gestures, little flinches or too long pauses showing that she did not have the carefree life, which her smile would have indicated. Rafael knew she smiled the brightest, because she had seen the darkest of places.

“Rafa?”, Catherine’s voice tore him out of his thoughts and he blinked, his eyes and mind focusing back on her. In a reflex, he reached out and took one of her strands. He had no idea, why it had become a habit of his. At first, he had only done so, because he liked the curl of her hair tips, to see how it always jumped back into its form, just like she had jumped back to the basis of her character, after she had been stretched to the limits. Maybe, he did, because he knew, they- both of them only called her rapists like this, because they deserved neither titles nor names, they had taken those from her as well after all- had cut her hair until she had almost been bald. No, they had not cut it. They had torn it out of her. This beautiful, soft, silky hair, which belonged to such a beautiful, tender, warm and loving person. They had tried to tear her apart in every way possible. “I could start to believe you think of someone else.”

Rafael laughed and showed his _are-you-serious_ face expression, but it melted as soon as he saw her teasing, yet loving smile.

“Never.”, he assured nonetheless.

“I love you, Rafael.”, she whispered with a smooth, almost angelic voice and he would never grow tired of hearing it and he started to believe it would never lose its magic. Maybe this would be the reason, why they would survive and withstand the test of time. Why they could make forever possible.

“I love you, too, Catherine.” He gave a soft, brief kiss onto her lips, which still carried all of his emotions, while he cradled her face, staring lovingly into her eyes. “My birthday miracle.”

“Are you going to call me like this for ever?”, she quipped and quirked an eyebrow.

“Hmm…maybe just for today.”, he hummed and gently poked her. “And you can do nothing about it, because it’s my birthday.”

“Nice mess.”, she laughed with the faintest blush on her cheeks and it made Rafael aware that the gigantic meaning of the nickname, which was more of a tease and yet contained so much more, was overwhelming her. Catherine still saw herself smaller than she was, but one step after another. Instead he chuckled, because she truly was perfect for him and he still wondered, how she was not able to see it, but that was also another step he had to work on with her. Catherine took his hand, lacing her fingers with his, squeezing it gently. Rafael’s gaze turned soft, still loving to look at the picture of their hands being joined. Moments like this were those, when they were simply enjoying and playfully teasing each other, he knew they belonged together. Their energies and characters harmonised well, although they were different in many ways. When one had asked him a year ago, how his dream woman or man would look like, he would have never described Catherine, though she fulfilled almost everything on his list. She was intelligent and witty, always quick on a comeback and sarcastic, she knew how to handle him, she was not hurt, when his tongue had been too sharp. They both simply worked naturally without putting too much effort into it.

“I’ve got you something.”, Catherine whispered, her voice soft, but insecure. Rafael knew, she had been anxious about finding a present for him. She still felt the urge to have to show her affection through offering presents and, in her opinion, the pressure was even stronger, because she had missed out the two birthdays they had been in touch. Rafael had tried to calm her down, easing her raw nerves, but she had not been willing to listen. She wanted to show him, how much he meant to her through it and in the end, he had given up. Catherine could be just as stubborn as him.

Catherine kissed him softly and then stood up, leaving for the closet. Rafael frowned and looked after her.

“Did you hide it under my sport clothes again?”, he called after her.

“It’s still the best hiding spot in the house.”, her voice came muffled from the room and Rafael laughed, sliding to the edge of the bed and waiting for her. She came back quickly, holding a small box in her hand, wrapped in dark blue fancy paper and a red ribbon. Catherine sat down next to him, but she did not hold it out to him, instead the little box rested in her lap and her fingers twitched around it, the paper rustling because of it. The cheekiness of her past reply was suddenly gone and she fought against herself again. Rafael could almost see, how her heart bumped against her sternum, trying to break free and escape the situation. Nervously, she licked her lips, her eyes lowered, while she collected her bravery. “As you know, I stressed out a lot about finding a present for you. I wanted it to be something, which shows my feelings for you and that wasn’t easy with my very limited possibilities. The most obvious choice would have been a tie or a dress handkerchief, but I realized soon, it would only end up in a downgrade of quality and it felt too impersonal.”

“A present isn’t supposed to be a burden.”, Rafael whispered gently, cupping her chin and lifting it up.

“I know.” She smiled crookedly, ashamed of how much such a simple thing had made her anxious, how easily she still started to obsess over things. Sometimes, not so often anymore, she still latched upon a situation or thing and simply could not let it go. For a while, the matter became the centre of her perception. “It still feels too less to express, what you mean to me and I guess it’s rather uncreative, but…”

“Hey…”, he interrupted her softly, before she buried herself in this tirade. “Don’t talk it down, before I saw it. That would be counterproductive, Cath.”

Catherine sighed, ruffling helplessly through her hair, scratching the back of her head, so very tired of her old habits.

“You’re right.”, she finally admitted and her smile was small, but honest. Finally, she held up the box and looked like a child presenting a painting to her parents, her big eyes shining hopefully up to him. “Happy birthday, Rafael.”

“Thank you, mi amor.”, he whispered and took it from her. Carefully, he pulled the ribbon open, resting the band to the side and opening the lid. Within rested a simple, but elegant silver frame, containing a photo of them both on the Santa Monica Pier, which had been taken on their anniversary two weeks ago. They stood in front of the big wheel, a beautiful dawn in the softest red shades in the background. Rafael had his arm wrapped around her, while Catherine was snuggled against his side and both of them smiled happily into the camera. Rafael took it out, the metal of the frame cool in his hand, and he was a little stunned by his pictured self, because he had never seen himself like this and it was the first time, he was able to see just how happy Catherine truly made him.

“We don’t have any photographs of us.”, she explained and tenderly stroked over the frame as if she wanted to touch the captured moment. Rafael dissolved his gaze from the photograph and looked up at her, because he had the impression, she was going to say something important. “And I thought it would be nice to have one. It’s still your house and this here could be a start for a joint inventory…to make this here our home.”

“That’s a nice idea. Thank you”, he said softly and smiled, his thumb brushing over her face on the photograph, before he leaned in and kissed her. It was true, they had not had any photographs of them. They had been too busy with themselves to even think of it. That had been the reason, why he had asked a tourist on the Pier to take one of them. “But I had no idea you still don’t feel at home, here.”

“This here is home to me. It has always been my safe haven, but entire furniture and inventory is yours. It feels a little like I married into money.”

“Oh, Cath…”, he sighed, but he could not be mad with her. He understood she must feel like a guest, when there was nothing personal of her in here and he could imagine, how much it must troubling her, that he was still paying for everything, but that was not a matter for now, especially not today. Today, Rafael wanted to stay in the present with her. He had worried about the future for far too long.

Gently, Rafael kissed her temple, brushing his thumb over her cheek, until enough of his love had been transferred into her and she finally took a deep breath and the small cloud of darkness, which had been hanging around her was chased away by his sun.

“Where do you wanna put it?”, he asked her with a warm nuance in his voice, while he carefully put the photograph into the box, resting it on the bedside table and turned back to her.

“I thought about the fireplace sill.”, she answered, her head falling onto his shoulder and her eyes closed. Rafael looked down at her, wrapping an arm around her and felt, how his heart swelled. He would have never guessed it at the beginning, but she had been the best thing that could ever had happened to him in one of his darkest hours. When he had stepped into the café, he had wanted to save her, but without his knowing, she had saved him. Rafael had been used to be rather lonely, to be a minor character in the turbulent life of his friends, watching how they build up a family, getting children and slowly, he had become less important. It was not wrong, that was life and they were not to blame, but it had been a strange feeling to see, how they seemed to move away from him. And then, this wonderful and pure woman stepped into his life, who had decided to make him the centre of her world. Yes, it had been rough at the beginning, it had been a fight, but for his luck, he was a born fighter and the reward had been worth all the struggles. Catherine was the brightness and light, which he had been missing in his world of darkness and hell. She represented all the good for which he had fought. Now, in retrospect, it was no wonder he had fallen for her.

Slowly, he cupped her chin, tilting her head, until she looked up into his eyes and he allowed himself to get lost in the endlessness of blue. She looked at him questioningly, her eyes blinking slowly into his, because she could feel the intensity of the emotions inside of him.

“It’s perfect.”, he whispered deep and a voice too heavy from emotions to be believable he was only talking about the place for a photograph. The photograph simply was a symbolism for the perfection he had finally found, because Catherine and he, this relationship and this love were perfect. He felt it in every minute and every hour.

He turned a bit more to her, tilting her head even more until it rested in her neck and she trustingly allowed him to, exposing the weakest part of her to him without any hesitation or sign of fear. The air grew heavy and momentous as if something fateful was about to happen. Rafael leaned in, tenderly brushing his lips over hers, because he needed and wanted all of her, because Catherine Amell was his true present and all he could ask for in his life.

His heart fluttered, when she sighed softly, her fingers finding their way into his hair, her fingers twitching, when every movement of their lips sent new sparks into them, slowly setting them aflame, their sighs creating a beautiful melody. None of them wanted to let the other go, all they wanted was to sense, smell, see and taste each other.

Slowly, they sank back into the bed, the trusted and comfortable matrass welcoming them, their bodies naturally entwining and their hands beginning to caress and exploring the skin of the other without ever breaking the kiss, their sighs, moans and quick, shaky breaths melting into a symphony of love and desire.

Catherine’s hand moved to his chest, slowly and tenderly opening up the top of his pyjama. Rafael was surprised, when he felt not the slightest hint of tremble or nervousness. Button after button was plopped open as if it was the most natural thing in the world. As if she had not had a mental breakdown the first time she tried or had trembled like an aspen leaf the second time. Now, she was on an even keel, but that made Rafael nervous, his heart pounding loudly inside his chest. It was not the first time she took the initiative after their first sexual experience, but it felt different this time. What is it really possible that it could happen today? Rafael wanted to, by God, he truly did. Who would not with a girlfriend, who was physically and mentally as beautiful as she was? But he needed to know she did not feel obliged to do it, because it was his birthday. Rafael knew, Catherine was the kind of person, who would. Then again, if she had planned it, she would have done the complete package- wearing sexy lingerie and put on a show. It would not develop naturally like it did, now.

“Cath, stop for a moment.”, he whispered and took her hands in his, when she was about to slid off his top. Rafael loved to feel her hands in his. Catherine blinked in confusion, looking up at him with furrowed brows and she looked gorgeous in the gentle morning light. “Are you sure?”

His fingers brushed over her palm comfortingly and he tried to stay relatively calm, although his body burned from longing for her, to be and melt with her, but this here was not about him. He was aware of the responsibility he carried gladly.

“Do I appear unsure?”, she asked with uncertainty in her voice, her calmness broken by his question.

“No, Cath.”, he whispered, pulling her closer, cradling the back of her head, running his fingers through her beautiful, hazelnut brown hair. “You don’t and it surprises and amaze me. I want this to happen, mi amor, but I promised not to pressure you and I will keep it, because you mean more to me than any sexual satisfaction ever possibly could. I just need to be sure, you don’t do it, because you feel like you have to.”

“Rafa…” His nickname sounded sweet, but her blue eyes looked sadly up at him and he interpreted it wrong. His head slumped down to his chest and he let out a deep breath, the nagging feeling of disappointment inside his stomach disgusting him. “Have I loaded so much of my misery onto you that you can’t believe, how much stronger you’ve made me? That I’m slowly becoming healed? That I _want_ to sleep and satisfy you? That I desire you just as much as you do?”

“Cath?” He blinked in surprise, because that had not been the words he had expected to hear. In this moment, he looked closer at her. Her pupils were blown wide and pitch black, her breath coming faster and she shivered slightly, her thighs slightly rubbing against each other. He took in a shaky breath and looked back up to her.

“Rafael…” Oh God, she rolled his name perfectly, the last syllable falling heavily from her tongue. He knew this tone well. It always meant he was in trouble and it sent a delicious tremble down his spine. Catherine rolled on top of him and straddled his hips, her hands coming to rest on his bare chest, gently scraping over his skin. “I had time to think about this and you had been right.”

Catherine had just admitted, he had been right, something he normally loved to harp on about, but he could not care any less in this moment. Not, when Catherine placed a hot, wet, open mouth kiss onto his chest, which made his heart flutter and his length come alive.

“I was never afraid of having sex with you.”, she explained without the slightest tremble in her voice and Rafael found it incredibly arousing how easily she was talking about it, okay and that she was slowly inching towards his nipple with a glint in her eyes that meant she was playing a game and he knew, he truly was in trouble- in delicious, wonderful trouble. He swallowed heavily, dissolving his eyes from the path of her hands and looking back up into her eyes. “Actually, I want to so badly.”

“Do you?”, he asked and tried to keep his voice calm, but it trembled traitorously and he gulped again. Catherine nodded.

“Indeed. You have no idea, what this deep, low timbre of yours does to me, when you say the sweetest, most understanding things with it. Seriously, it’s unfair.”

She chuckled and ducked her head, a bright smile tucking at the corners of her mouth, while her hands roamed wonderfully over his fast rising and falling chest. His penis twitched hopefully in anticipation and she must feel it by know, but she did not show it. All she did was starring hungrily into his eyes. If this was her true self, then Rafael got the impression being the dominant part in bed was going to be difficult for him.  

“Is that so?” He was not able to keep his hands off her, rubbing over her thighs, slowly moving upwards, feeling, how she shivered and her darkened eyes pierced down to him.

“Yes.”, she whispered and leaned forward. This time, her lips went for his neck, placing sucking kisses along his carotid. Rafael could not contain the moan any longer, which had tried to force its way out of his throat for quite a while and he became erect. Yes, it was embarrassing to be aroused that quickly, to lose his mind so easily like a needy teenager, but he was needy. Seven months they had been together and something would be wrong, if he was not. He had not even touched himself, because he would have to tell her since he wanted to establish an open communication about sex and therefore, he would have to be honest with her. Telling her that, though would likely made her feel guilty, because she was not able to give him, what he longed for, but being together with this wonderful woman for seven months had worked him up. He could not deny that.

“What I truly feared indeed.”, she whispered, when she dissolved from his neck to his disappointment. The lustful expression in her eyes remained, but it got a thoughtful nuance, but her fingers still brushed over his sternum, not wanting to make this atmosphere disappear. “Was that I would have flashbacks, that I would mess it up, that I was going too fast and therefore ruin all the progress I made so far. I was concerned that it was some kind of compensation for what was done to me and I didn’t want to misuse you for it. Or what, if it had gone wrong and my trauma would have been transferred to you? You were the only one I was never afraid of and I would have never forgiven myself, if I ruined it by going too fast.”

“Cath…”

“And these contrary feelings teared me apart, raging like a storm inside of me, whenever the desire rose.”, she continued as if she had not heard his interruption. He stared up at her with wide eyes, but her voice was honestly calm and steady. It was not a masquerade, she was not desperate or blamed herself. She only revealed a cognition to him she had gained over the time.

“Past tense…”, he murmured. “You don’t feel like this anymore?”

“No, I don’t.” She smiled as brightly as the sun, her eyes glistening in happiness. “I’m healing, Rafa. I believe now that you love me and don’t care anymore why or how I deserve you. I can’t, when you look this lovingly at me.”

“When have you…?”

“When I got the photograph developed.”, she answered before he was even able to ask his question. “And saw for the first time, how happy the both of us look together. It was not our perception or hopes, it was a neutral evidence. That was part of the reason, why I was nervous to give it to you, because I wanted to tell you this and if I interpreted your reaction correctly, you thought the same, when you saw it.”

Rafael sat up, wrapping his arms tightly around her, starring in wonder into her eyes, but then a smile burst all over his face, because he found no sign to doubt her words.

“ _Te amo, mi amor.”_ , he whispered with a heavy voice and it still did not feel enough, the heaviness making the air thick and portentously between them.

“I love you too, my heart.”, she replied with the sweetest tone in her bright, kind voice. For a moment, they simply starred deeply into each other eyes, their mutual attraction pulling them in.

The kiss, which followed, was slow and sweet at first, but soon the intensity of the past situation took over and their tongues dove into each other mouths, playing hide and seek, while their fingers danced across their skins and Catherine finished her previous task of sliding his top off. For a moment, Rafael felt a little flutter of nervousness in the depth of his stomach. He was not in bad shape for his age, but he also was not in the best. Catherine was right. He used his sports clothes way too less, now that he got a girlfriend. Okay, he had not used it often enough beforehand, too. Quickly, he wiped those thoughts away, because Catherine was not a person, who cared about looks. She fell in love with a person, with a soul, not with physique.

Rafael moaned deep, low and honest, when her fingers brushed over his nipples for the first time ever and those little sparks, which shot directly into his groin, felt wonderful and slowly, he grew back to full length again. His fingers twitched on the back of her head and he shivered, when Catherine’s butt moved above his erection, while she caressed him, her mouth sucking his Adam’s Apple into her mouth. Rafael threw his head back and he felt like on a sinful version cloud nine, the thin so high above making him light-headed and dizzy. It was truly happening. Catherine had grown strong and confident enough to finally open up to her desire and to live them out. He gave her enough safety that she _wanted_ to sleep with him despite she had been forced to every other time beforehand. She had finally been able to overcome her fear and this recognition to finally be able to experience all of her was moving him to tears.

Gently, Catherine pushed him back down, sitting enthroned above him, smiling confidently like a queen and it was incredibly beautiful. Rafael let his fingers run up her front, pleased by the way she shivered above him and her eyes blew wide. Her tongue darted out of her mouth and she licked hungrily over her dry lips and Rafael groaned at the sight.

“God, you’re going to be the death of me.”, he whispered with a hoarse voice as he cupped her breast, his fingers flicking over her own nipples.

“And you’re going to love it.”, she insisted with a voice, which had dropped an octave and moaned, while she stretched into his touch, her eyes falling close as she enjoyed his caress. Rafael’s chuckle rumbled through his chest, quivering underneath her fingertips.

“Oh, I’m sure of it.”, he assured, gathering the hem of her top in his hands, slowly riding it up with relish and Catherine put it off without hesitation, leaning back down to kiss him hungrily. Rafael moaned as she sucked on his tongue, her fingers playing with him. The air shimmered from need and arousal, heating both of them up as they finally were able to leave her past behind.

When they both were desperate for air, they dissolved, breathing heavily and Catherine must felt euphoric, because she immediately continued her trail, kissing and licking her way down his neck to his chest, while her fingers roamed over his body, investigating every spot of skin, playing teasingly with him, searching for his favourite spots. Ironic as it was, her nightmare had made her incredibly good at it. She had to learn, how to pleasure a man quickly or she would have been beaten up to unconsciousness and now, she was using all this knowledge to her advantage. She knew exactly, where to lick, where to kiss, where to bite, how much or how less pressure to use to make his nerves sing. She must feel triumphant and powerful in this moment that she finally was in control and Rafael would gladly let her be.

Soon, Rafael was high from arousal, his body being a quivering mess and the first drops of precum wetting his trousers, but it came to an end, when her fingers stroked over his lowest rip. He jumped and hissed quietly and Catherine stopped immediately, her eyes darting back to his.

“Does it hurt?”, she asked concerned.

“Rather very sensitive.”, he explained, tenderly stroking a sweated strand out of her face. “An old injury from my father, which didn’t heal perfectly.”

Catherine froze and her eyes starred widely at him, only now remembering that his life had not been easy as well.

“I’m sorry, Rafa.” Softly, apologetically, she stroked over the spot as if she could brush the pain away.

“It’s not your fault, cariño.”, he said reassuringly, his thumb caressing her cheek. “And it’s long in the past. No need to worry about it.”

“But…”

“It didn’t hurt much, darling.”, Rafael insisted with a soft voice, taking her hand from his rip and placed it at the centre of his stomach, his muscles twitching in joy, when he felt her warm hand on his skin, his fingers rubbing over her palm. “Cariño, please.”

Catherine blinked, returning from all the images of Rafael’s abuse, which had been playing inside her head. She looked down at him and returned the smile he was giving her.

“I love you, my heart.”, she whispered with all of her love in her words and his own melted at the new endearment. The next kiss was calm and sincere, expressing all the tenderness they felt for each other.

“I love you, too, mi corazón.” Catherine’s became the softest he had ever seen. Gently, he flipped them over, resting above her. He kissed his way down her sternum to her breasts. Catherine shivered, her hands coming to rest above her head, her facial expression being blissful. Rafael hummed in appreciation of her taste, gently kissing over the swell of her breasts, enjoying the softness and texture underneath his lips. Catherine’s breasts were not big, but a well handful and he loved them just as much as he loved her. Carefully, he brushed his lips over her erect, stiff nipple and Catherine jumped at the sensation, a hoarse moan cracking out of her throat, her fingers burying themselves into his hair, plugging on their tips. Rafael groaned, sucking on the sensible bud of flesh, while fondling the other with his hand. Contrary to the sweet taste of her lips, her breasts were rather savoury and indescribable, uniquely fitting to her. Rafael moaned, when she began to writhe underneath him, her body longing to gain some friction and her thigh brush against his painfully hard erection.

Catherine must have noticed, because after a few more moments, her hand sneaking between them and into his pants. Rafael froze immediately, his entire mind focusing on where her hand touched his groin, her fingers brushing just above the place he wanted to feel her so desperately.

“Cath, please…”, he begged, almost whined, because he felt like he was going to burst soon and it had been a long time since he heard himself like this. Catherine looked back up with him with a mischievous grin. Rafael gulped. Oh, he was definitely in trouble, but Catherine was sexy, when she was confident and he loved it.

Inch by inch, her fingers slipped closer to the centre of his desire and Rafael’s eyes fell close, taking in a deep breath of anticipation, his heart racing inside his chest. Briefly, she twirled her finger through the damp pubic hair and for a moment, he hated her teasing. He was burning up from desire and she kept playing with him. Then finally, she had mercy with him, gently moving his pants down enough to bare his prominent length, which strained against his stomach. Catherine inhaled and moaned, when she measured its length and felt, how wet it already was.

“God, Rafa.”, she whispered and sounded a little impressed, which stroked his ego just as wonderfully as her hand his penis. He closed his eyes, his head dropping onto her chest, his hot breath dancing over her breast. Rafael wanted to give a witty remark, he truly did, but his brilliant mind was only occupied with the sensation of finally having her soft, wonderful hand around him, stroking him expertly. It did not take long until all he was, were sighs, moans and quivers, reduced to mere primal instincts. Only a little spark of his conscious remained, which told him, he could not flip her over and pound into her like he desperately wanted to and with every moment and stroke passed, it became more difficult to keep himself on his trembling arms.

“Cath, stop…”, he pressed through his teeth, his throat hoarse and dry. She froze immediately, her hand falling from his erection and a hint of shame flashing through her eyes.

“I…I’m sorry.”, she stuttered, scraping her teeth over her bottom lips. “I know, I’m not very experienced. Have I done something wrong?”

“What?”, he blinked in confusion, when her heard her shivering voice. His eyes darted back up to her and immediately cradled her face, ignoring, how his body protested loudly.

“No, Cath, definitely not. I’m…” He took a deep breath, trying to steady his voice. “I wanted to change position. I almost fell on you.”

“Oh…” Catherine’s eyes widened and she blushed, averting her gaze, but then she suddenly chuckled almost madly in relief and realization. “So good?”

“Hmm…or it had just been that long.”, he said in his best teasing tone, so she would not feel guilty again, before he placed a hot kiss to her ear. She shivered against him, inhaling sharply, showing she was just as needy and drunken from lust as he was. He smiled content with himself and rolled down from her, resting on his back. Catherine used the little break to free herself from her shorts, kicking them out of the bed. When Rafael turned his head to her, he gasped in surprise to see her kneeling completely naked next to him. Her cheeks still flared bright red, but she did not hide herself from him and Rafael felt, how her gaze wandered hungrily over his body, down to his length and her tongue darted out, licking over her lips.

Rafael also took her in. She was slim and sporty, but curvy, her rips shimmering underneath her faintly tanned skin. Slowly, not really sure if he should, his eyes darted downwards.

“Rafa…”, she whispered quietly and interrupted him, making him look back up at her. “I…I’m still a little shy… don’t stare so intensely, please.”

He smiled softly, cradling her head and pulling her down to his lips, kissing her softly.

“No need to.”, he whispered against her lips. “You’re beautiful and I wouldn’t see it any differently even I weren’t in love with you.”

“Really?”, she asked with hope colouring her voice heavy.

“Hmmhmm…”, he hummed, placing another kiss onto her heart and then he decided to kiss his way down her upper body, relishing in the way she shifted and writhed underneath his wet trail, her fingers coming to rest in his hair. Her pubic hair scratched a little against his chin when he reached her groin and she jumped as he licked over the sensitive spot above her hipbone. Not only him should be feeling well today. Catherine jumped underneath him as a sweet shock wave of pleasure rushed through her and her fingers twitched in his hair. Rafael went even more down on her, his lips hoovering above her intimate ones and he felt excitement rushing through his veins and curiosity filling his mind, his tongue longing to experience, how she would taste like. Until now, every knew spot he had discovered had tasted differently. According to the sweet scent of her arousal, she must be delicious, but something in the air made him hesitate.

“Stop, please.”, Catherine pleaded suddenly with a trembling voice. Rafael blinked and looked up at her, her eyes having an uneasy expression and she had bit her bottom lip. “It’s…a good idea…they’d never done this…but I need to be able see you…to make sure, it’s you caressing…until I’m more used to it.”

“Okay.”, he assured immediately, kissing her thigh and coming back up to her and nipping on her lips briefly, until Catherine breathed out deeply and relaxed again. She tilted her head and captured his lips, returning his tender kiss, her hands moving from his hair down his spine to his. Rafael shivered, moaning longingly into her mouth as their bodies began to dance again. “Shall we go on?”

“Actually, uhm…” Catherine hesitated for a moment, stroking through his thick, black hair. “I’d like to go even further, Rafa.”

“Really?”, he inelegantly blurted out, stumbling over this little, simple word in his surprise. There have been less moments in the glorious life of Rafael Barba, when he had been speechless, but this here was one of them. It could not be true. He must had misheard, but to his surprise, Catherine nodded. Rafael could not believe it. He had felt himself lucky, she had been willing to stroke him and had been able to enjoy it, but not once he truly expected she wanted to sleep on him, but something was still troubling him and he decided to put it in words: “You don’t sound sure about it.”

“I am as much as I can be in my situation.”, she explained, stroking his cheek tenderly. “I know, I’ve found the perfect man to do this with. I trust you with my life, Rafael.”

“You don’t have to, if you…”, he started again in an attempt to calm himself rather than her.

“No, Rafi.”, she interrupted him softly. “You still don’t understand. I don’t want to be caught in the past anymore.”

This fitted to her, though. Catherine had decided to not let her trauma define her anymore and she was a person of all or nothing. Otherwise, she would not have been able to survive to this point.

“I want to head for the future together with you. I _want_ to become one with you, if you do.” Of course, he wanted to, that stood out of question, but he was honestly concerned it was going too fast, that she was trying to prove something. Maybe not to him, but to her. Otherwise, he had promised himself to believe in her and she was much stronger than she believed. So, if she felt up for it, she might be and he was not able to see any doubts in her blue eyes.

“I do.”, his mouth said, before he realized it and he placed a sweet, brief kiss onto her lips. “But only under the same condition as always.”

“Sure…”, she breathed, her voice thin from excitement and nervousness and Rafael’s fluttered in his chest.

“Do you want to take the lead or shall I?”, he asked her, suppressing the tremble of nervousness and swallowing the slump in his throat. Catherine closed her eyes for a moment, thinking about it.

“You, please.” Rafael took a deep breath to calm his excitement, nodded, kissing her once again to soothe her nerves and sat up. He could feel her surprise gaze on his back as he scrambled through the drawer of his bedside table, taking out a lube with cooling effect and a condom. Just a moment later, rested back down beside her, while Catherine eyed the lube confused.

“I figured penetration could be painful for you due to the scars and I hope it might make it a bit easier for you.”, he explained, while popping it open, squirting the liquid onto his fingertips, rubbing it into them and noted satisfied, how the gel became cool from the friction.

“Rafa…”, she whispered moved, her eyes growing soft and the slight hint of nervousness disappeared. “I love you.”

“I know.” Rafael smiled tenderly and kissed the corner of her mouth. “I do, too.”

Gently, he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her onto his chest, knowing how listening to his heartbeat always soothed her and he stroked tenderly through her hair, while his other hand disappeared in her core. Catherine trembled from the contrary sensation of how his fingers could feel cool and yet hot at the same time. Rafael knew how to slowly building her up due to having having every reaction of her perfectly filed in his mind. It did not take him long, until he had her moaning and panting, her voice being music to his ears and her body dancing on his to her own melody.

Gently, he inserted his forefinger into her, coating her channel thoroughly with the lube, while stroking through her hair, hoping to offer her a feeling of tenderness and safety. Catherine quivered in his arms, her hand clenching into his bicep.

“Rafa…Rafa…”, she chanted breathy over and over and he loved how his name sounded from her lips. Just before he was herding her towards an orgasm, he removed his fingers from her, gently rolling her back into a pile of pillows, trying to make it as comfortably for her as possible. Catherine locked her eyes with his and both of them were caught in the excitement of the moment. Rafael took her hand, lacing his fingers with hers and kissed her knuckles tenderly. Catherine’s facials expression melted, her thumb brushing over his fingers.

“Are you really sure, Cath?”, he asked one last time, because he would never do this without her explicit consent. Catherine took in a deep breath, preparing herself mentally about what was going to happen and then nodded determinedly. Rafael smiled lovingly to her, keeping his own fast beating heart away from his face. He needed to stay calm and assuring for her or she would get nervousness and that might lead to fear. While still holding her hand, he tore the package of the condom open with his teeth and brought himself back to full height with a few, quick strokes, before rolling the protection skin over him.

Rafael took a deep breath, calming his fluttering nerves for a moment and then placed himself at her entrance. One last time, he starred down into her eyes and she looked back unwaveringly, her hand squeezing his comfortingly and he almost chuckled about how she was trying to reassure him, if his heart would not pound in his throat, making it tight. Taking another deep breath, he gained the courage to overcome his doubts and slowly slid into her, offering her time to adjust to every new inch of him.

Both of them moaned in the same moment, tears falling from the corners of their eyes, when they finally overcome the last remnants of her traumatic past. Catherine’s hand squeezed his tightly, her back arching from the mattress, her eyes falling close and her next moan was shaky and croaky, but Rafael was not able to notice it. His entire mind and being focused on where they are joined, on how wonderfully she felt around him, hugging him tightly, pulling him in as if it was welcoming him, eager to make him come in and his body cheered.

“ _Dios,_ Cath…”, he whispered breathlessly, resting his head on her chest. “You are...you feel…”

Rafael tried to find words for how he felt, but he could not no matter how hard he tried. Catherine chuckled hoarsely and stroked through his hair.

“I _know_. So _full_.”, she whispered, understanding him even without words, breathing in deeply, taking in her freedom, before she burst into a relieved laughter. Rafael joined her, another tear running down his cheek, when pure happiness made him feel light-headed, filling him with proud of his woman and Rafael was not able keep it for himself. Over and over, he covered his love’s face with sweet kisses, until she laughed brightly, showing no sign of distress and their lips found together for a kiss, which contained the world.

“You, mi amor, are incredible.”, he whispered in wonder, nudging her tenderly, when they dissolved. Catherine’s eyes shone brightly and happily up at him, the most beautiful, faint blush colouring her cheeks. “I love you. Ready?”

Catherine gulped slightly, taking a deep breath and nodded, her eyes shining determinedly into his and for a moment Rafael feared, he was dreaming and would soon wake up, but this here was not a dream. It was wonderful reality. Slowly, he began to move his hips, giving her the time to get used to the feeling and Catherine’s eyes fluttered close, a deep-throated moan escaping her, her fingers clenching into the sheet and his hand. But then, she stiffened, the pictures likely returning to her, her breath hitching in her throat, her hand clenching into the sheet, her breathing being flat and hollow, her teeth biting into her bottom, while all of her muscles were tensed. Immediately, Rafael’s movement stopped although his body definitely disapproved, but he would be damned, if he gave in to this urge and his green eyes darted back to her.

“Are you okay?”, he asked concerned, resting his forehead against hers and squeezing her hand reassuringly. Catherine did not answer immediately, while she tried to focus herself on the present and he was almost able to see the horrible pictures running behind her eyes. In this moment, Rafael got an idea. Carefully, without breaking their connection, he flipped them over so that she was straddling him. Confused about the sudden, unexpected movement, Catherine was torn out of her flashback and looked down to his wide smile.

“You’re in control, now, mi amor.”, he whispered, his hand stroking over her hip and thigh, sending a nice, little shiver through her. “You control the pace and movement and I’m at your mercy.”

“Rafael…”, she whispered and he only smiled. Will there ever be a point, she was not going to be surprised, when someone was considerate of her? Though, Rafael was not completely sure if he wanted her to ever not be amazed. He liked to be her hero, who showed her, how a relationship truly should be like.

Catherine looked down to him, appearing a little uncertain about what or how to do it, likely never having done this before. Gently, he rubbed her arm and whispered:

“You don’t need to be nervous, cariño. You can do nothing wrong.”

Slowly, hesitantly, she braced her hands on his and took a deep breath and nodded, slowly adjusting to the thought of riding him, of being in control for once in her life, but when she did, she smiled and looked back into his eyes.

“Happy Birthday, Rafael.” Testing, she circled her hips and immediately a spark ignited the air between them into a firework.

“Oh God...”, Rafael groaned, because even _Dios_ was too long and his head slumped back into the pillow. Forcefully, he opened his eyes again to check on her and the sight in front of him took his breath away. Catherine’s head was thrown back, her eyes closed, her cheeks bright red, her mouth slightly open as another, hoarse moan left her, her beautiful, brown curls cascading over her back and shoulders, her entire body trembling from desire. Her fingers scraped over his chest, sending delicious sparks down his nerves to where his entire being was tingling at the moment.

Catherine blinked her eyes open and looked down at him, her eyes locking with his and her blue was consumed by the blackness of lust and Rafael let himself being pulled in and devoured by this side of her. It was so fucking beautiful.

Once again, she slowly, carefully circled her hips, still trying to make everything perfect and would Rafael not be enthralled by the sensation of truly having sex with his soulmate in this very moment, he would love her for this. With every other movement and every sound, she eliciting from him, she grew more confident, finding a rhythm, which was dictated by their bodies, which worked for them and made them both dizzy.

It did not take long, until they both were reduced to their instincts, the air becoming humid and heavy from the smell of sex, their bodies breaking into sweat. Rafael had long forgotten the outside world around him. How could he, when all he could feel was skin rubbing against skin, the heat and the sparks flying through his nerves.

Rafael knew, he would not last much longer. Seven months, maybe even more, of pinned up desire was taking its toll on him. His stomach began to tense, his balls being pulled up, his breath was short and shaky, almost condensing to fog in the air. His fingers twitched on her hips, holding tightly onto her, anchoring himself against the heavy swirl of emotions inside of him, subconsciously holding her in place.

“Rafa…not so tight, please.”, Catherine begged with a heavy, dry voice. Just now realizing, what he had done, he loosened his grip, soothingly stroking over her hip.

“Sorry.”, he whispered and Catherine relaxed immediately, continuing the delicious movements on him. She was close, too, her body shuddering with every rise and fall and snap of her hips, willingly impaling herself on him, her eyes squeezed shut, her breath coming in ragged, hoarse pants. Her movements became more desperate, faster, erratic and unprecise, her teeth gritted together as she chased after her release, trying to find another position or angle, which would give soothe the fire inside of her.

The last, remaining piece of Rafael’s mind noticed her misery and desperation. He moved his hand from her hip to her clitoris, making herself rub over his fingers and Catherine shrieked from the sudden added pleasure.

“Raf…”, she cracked, while she almost tripped over, collapsing from overwhelm of her building up orgasm, the necessity to control her movements, her wish to give him pleasure. With protesting limbs, which had become boneless by now, Rafael lifted himself into a sitting position and embraced her tightly to support her.

“I’m here, Cath.”, he whispered soothingly, peppering kisses over her collarbone. “I’m with you. Take it slow, enjoy it. That’s all I ask of you.”

Catherine nodded against his head, anchoring herself by grabbing his hair tightly. Their hot breath mingled together, their open mouths only inches apart, when she began to move again, slower this time, every circle now driven by love and lust not desperation or the urge to prove herself. Both of them moaned in the same moment and their lips clashed together, because only being joined at one point did not feel enough to them. They needed to be together in every way possible.

The first one to trip over the edge was Catherine, the double attack of being stretched so deliciously by him and her clit being rubbed with just the right amount of pressure was enough to send her soaring, his name echoing as a cry from the walls and ceiling, her walls clenching wonderfully around him, holding him tightly. Rafael threw his head back by the sensation, pushing into her just two more times until his heart and time stopping for a moment as he followed her and this time, he exploded into stars.

~*~

When Rafael came back to his senses, he found himself rested on her chest this time, her arms wrapped tightly around him, stroking through his damp hair and a long, gentle kiss placed onto his forehead. He hummed pleased and contently, rubbing his head over her warm skin.

“Hey…”, he whispered, rolling onto his stomach to look up at her. Catherine chuckled brightly, when he used the same words she had said after their first time.

“Hey.”, she said, gently brushing over his temples. Rafael reached out to her, stroking her cheek, before he kissed and Catherine eagerly returned it, all of their endorphins making them light-headed, but kept it slow and tender, both of them relishing in the bliss of the aftermath.

“It truly happened, didn’t it?”, he asked in amazement, when they were finally able to let each other go. “It wasn’t just a dream?”

“Not if we both dreamed the same thing.” Catherine smirked smugly, kissing his forehead once again. Rafael laughed, feeling a warm shudder of happiness running through his veins and his eyes shining tenderly into hers.

“You can’t recycle words from our important moments, mi amor.”, he scolded her teasingly and pressed a tender kiss onto her heart, feeling it drumming happily like a bird underneath her skin.

“Then you shouldn’t ask my question.” Catherine shrugged and chuckled her eyes sparkling full of mischief. All Rafael could do was to smile, taking one of her damp hair strands between her fingers to play with it. “Besides, it makes so much fun.”

“You look happy.”, he stated contently, though it was a strong understatement. She looked beautiful in the after-sex glow.

“More than happy.”, she replied. “I’m euphoric. I can’t believe we did it.”

“Once again, Cath.” He huffed an amused, a little tired chuckle. “You did it.”

“No…” Catherine shook her head, absently stroking through his hair and looked up to the ceiling. The sun was high by now, announcing the approaching noon. She wrapped her arms tightly around him, her fingers brushing over his shoulder blades. “I wouldn’t have been able to do it without the trust I have in you, without _you_. You’ve always treated me with respect, you’ve always supported me and gave me strength. You freed me, Rafael, in so many ways and I _thank_ you for it.”

Catherine sniffed, a single tear running down her cheek, while she held onto him. Freedom must feel overwhelming to her, knowing she could not use her trauma as an apology or excuse anymore. Rafael leaned forward and placed a soft, loving kiss onto her lips, trying to chase the storm away. Once again, she sniffed, her fingers clenching into his hair, more tears following the first. Rafael dissolved, gently kissing them away.

“I love you, mi amor.”, he whispered, placing his last kiss between her eyebrows. Catherine blinked her eyes open, cradling both his cheeks, tenderly stroking under his eye.

“I love you, too, my heart.” Both of them starred into each other’s eyes for a long time, solidifying the connection, which they had just deepened. Together with the yellow from the light of day and the blue in her eyes, she created the green in his. The colour of their eyes being the colours of life, representing earth, water and plants.

“So…uhm…” Catherine hesitated, scraping her teeth over her bottom lip in uncertainty. “How was it?”

For a moment, Rafael starred at her dumbfounded, his mouth slightly hanging open, but then he had to laugh, because the question was ridiculous and he slumped back down to her. Catherine shifted uncomfortably underneath him and this moment, Rafael realized, it truly was bothering her.

Rafael rested himself up onto his lower arm, although his tired, wonderfully exhausted body protested. He leaned in and kissed her deeply, until both their breaths were taken away. When they dissolved, Catherine and looked him with half opened his eyes.

“Mi amor, you don’t have to worry.”, he declared and stroked over her cheek and pecked her lips. “It was beautiful and I’m so proud of you.”

She starred at him, her eyes searching for any sign, he was just saying it, because it had been beaten into her that no matter how hard she tried, he had never been good enough. When she found nothing, she smiled and relaxed, letting out her tension with a deep breath.

“Well, at least I made up for the lousy, uncreative birthday present.”, she joked to his surprise and her eyes sparked in amusement. Rafael laughed once again, smiling brightly down at her and then settled himself back into her embrace, kissing between her breasts.

“It wasn’t lousy and it definitely deserved its place on the fireplace sill.”, he declared, while his eyes slowly drifted close and he yawned deeply, when the trusted, blissful exhaustion followed the height of adrenaline and endorphins and he rubbed his head against her in an attempt to find a better sleeping position. Catherine chuckled, running her fingers through his hair, while looking out of the wide-open window and over the ocean, watching, how the seagulls floated their rounds as a border between the two endless blues.

“As long as it doesn’t mean, we’re going to have sex every time, we look at it.”, she teased, while her eyes fell close, too.

“Well, I certainly hope it does.”, he murmured with a blissful smile on his lips as he drifts back to sleep. Yes, he could definitely get used to wake up like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pfew, finally, they made it. I'm so proud of the two, but especially Catherine. I just hope it could live up to the first explicit chapter acclaimed. Sex was more difficult than I expected :)
> 
> Please let me know, what you think of it :)
> 
> Thank you for reading and still being loyal to the story. I appreciate it. Have a wonderful weekend and see you soon. :) Subaru


	32. The strength of light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catherine wants to pick up Rafael for date night, but then she finds herself in a situation, she never wanted to find herself in again. Luckily, this time, she does not only have Rafael at her side and this leads to her revealing her past voluntary for the first time.

Catherine walked casually through the tall glass doors of Rafael’s law firm and greeted Mister Minotaur, whose real name was Alexei Romanoff. The big, intimidating man had turned to be a gentle giant with a kind heart, soft voice and a very hard accent. Catherine often chitchatted with him, talking about the renovation of his house, his adorable, female twins or his little puppy and he was very grateful that someone saw him as more than a terrifying, Russian stereotype. Therefore, whenever he saw her walking up to him, he gave her a bright smile, opened the gate for her and wished her wonderful day. Catherine always thanked him and sometimes even brought him a cup of coffee or a sandwich. Today was not any different and as she walked to the elevators, she immediately felt the trusted feeling of Shauna’s sour gaze on her neck. She had an eye on Rafael. Catherine knew that. For Shauna, it was not understandable that he had decided for such an inappropriate woman, while she stayed unnoticed behind her desk. She would have been much better choice, but for Catherine’s luck, Rafael was able to see her true soul and her potential. Just a few months ago, such a gaze and negative energy would have intimidated Catherine, but meanwhile she had grown confident enough to gain a smug satisfaction from this situation.

Catherine looked around in the elevator cabin, which brought her up to the fourteenth floor. There was another woman in a white blouson, a dark pencil skirt, her hair tied into a long, low ponytail. She starred incessant onto the screen of her phone, acting as if she was important and busy, but Catherine was able to see, she was only scrolling through her Instagram feed likely worrying, why her crush had not liked her last selfie. To her right was a man, younger than Rafael, but in a suit just as expensive, though he did not have the life experience to fill it out. When Rafael wore his suits, they were underlining his character, but this young lawyer looked lost in them. The clothes appeared too big for him, although they fitted perfectly. It was a masquerade and Catherine had grown tired of those.

Finally, the elevator door binged on the desired floor and Catherine left the cabin with a friendly _good-bye_ , which stayed unanswered. That was normal, too. Lawyers were always busy and drown in something important. Purposefully, Catherine searched her way through the people, some of those even turning around, looking after her in her scarlet skirt and her pale blue blouson, her brown waves bobbing to her energetic steps.

Sarah Rafferty, Rafael’s legal secretary, closed the file she had been working on, when Catherine approached her and looked up from her desk with a warm smile.

“Hello, Catherine.”

“Hi, Sarah.”, she greeted back and leaned onto the counter. “Almost quitting time, huh?”

“It seems even earlier than I’d hope. Please tell me, you’re here to take him with you.”, she pleaded exaggeratingly at Catherine, folding her hands, while her lips with the red lipstick turned into a mischievous grin.

“Yep.”, Catherine answered and her eyes wandered to her beloved behind the glassy walls. Rafael stood in front of the window, a file in his hand and his eyes flying over the lines, totally unaware that Catherine had arrived. Next to him stood a younger man, with dark brown, almost black curls, which he tried to tame with too much hair gel.

“Date night?”, Sarah guessed and leaned back into her chair, her hands and legs crossed smugly and contently, her slim eyebrow slightly quirked and a cheeky grin in her green eyes. Did Rafael rub off onto everybody or could only those similar to him withstand him? Catherine raised her own and tilted her head in curiosity.

Sarah had an impressive empathetic intelligence, easily deducing everyone and knowing exactly what was going on. She was close to every other legal secretary and paralegal of the other, big law firms and often used it for her advantage. If anyone wanted to know, what was going on in the world of law in LA, Sarah was the person to ask. She was also the person, who knew, what you needed, before you did yourself. It was advised to be on good terms with her.

“No harm meant, Catherine, but you’re more the casual type.”, she answered Catherine’s unspoken question and pointed at her clothes. “You only wear those elegant clothes, because you know, he likes it and you don’t want to pale next to him.”

“Sharply observed as always.” Catherine sighed and stood straight again. “We had finally been able to get a reservation for the restaurant we had wanted to try out for months.”

“You mean, I had been able to.”, the red-haired woman said and stroked a strand of her hair behind her ear elegantly.

“Of course, I do.” Catherine chuckled. “So, why asking me, when you already know?”

“Just doing small talk and showing off my skills.” With these words, Sarah swirled her chair around and went back to work, typing quickly something into her computer. Catherine laughed and shook her head.

“May I go in, guardian of the door?”

“Yes, you may. I allow it.” Dismissively, she waved her hand and Catherine laughed again. She loved that woman and Rafael did, too. In this moment, the door of his office opened and Darren, his associate, stormed out, his eyes blown wide with a reflection of pure shock and a pile of files pressed to his chest as if they contained his heart.

“Darren? What’s wrong?”, Catherine called after him. The young man of maybe twenty-eight years stopped on his heel and turned around to her.

“Mister Barba said I did well.”, he whispered with pure disbelief in his voice, before he turned back around again and strode towards the shoe carton, which was his desk as if he was haunted by a ghost. Catherine and Sarah looked at each other for a long, silent time, before they burst into such a loud laughter that everyone around looked at them in confusion.

“He really has to praise the poor boy more.”, Catherine snickered and shook her head.

“You’ve no idea.” Sarah grinned. “He’s only lovey-dovey to you.”

“I worked hard for that.”

“Oh, _I_ can imagine.”, she said without dissolving her eyes from the screen, but her eyebrow was quirked suggestively.

“Not _that_. Sarah!” Catherine laughed loudly and the older woman smiled contently. “Anyway, I’m going in. Bye, Sarah, and have a nice evening.”

“Have fun tonight, Catherine.”

“Thank you.” She looked over her shoulder and smiled at Rafael’s best helping hand, before she opened the door in.

“Darren looked like he saw a ghost. You really should praise him more, darling. I’m getting a bit of the Carisi vibes here. Should I be concerned? Are you attracted to him, too?” She grinned widely as Rafael’s posture slumped and he turned around to her in a movement, which expressed annoyance equally to disapproval.

“Will you ever stop with this?”, he asked, while he walked up to her, placing his file on the desk.

“Not as long as it bothers you. So likely, no.” She grinned contently, but then her face expression became soft and so did Rafael’s. “Hello love.”

“Hello, cariño.”, he whispered softly and they hugged each other briefly, but tightly, Catherine placing a kiss to his cheek, although she longed for a proper kiss, but that was not welcomed here.

“Ready to go?”

“Almost. I didn’t expect you to be here this early.”

“Yeah, who would have guessed the one time I reckoned with the public transit being late, it was too early?” Catherine laughed and took booth his hand, swinging them slightly from side to side.

“Ever heard of Murphy’s law, darling?”, he teased, while he wrapped his arms loosely around her hips.

“Yeah, thanks. Just rub it in, Rafa.” Catherine chuckled again, but then starred tenderly up at him. “Phrases like this are the reason why Darren is shaken to the core, when you praise him.”

Rafael groaned and rolled his eyes again, but then let go off her, walking over to his desk and Catherine followed him.

“I just have to go through these papers with Desmond, Richard and Mike. Shouldn’t be longer than fifteen minutes.”, Rafael explained, while he determinedly pulled out one of his files from the pile, checking the content and clamped it under his arm.

“The entire gang is here?” She reached for his tie and gently adjusted it. Rafael smiled warmly at the gesture and she could almost feel, how he wanted to rest his forehead against hers.

“Hmmhmm. Mike’s patent procedure was finished quicker than expected. When he signs these papers, his technique is officially patented.”

“Oh, those are great news. I’m happy for him.” Catherine clapped her hands and smiled brightly at her man, who simply looked at her with a tender expression in his warm eyes. Only in this moment, Catherine realized, how close he was, so close, she was able to feel his warm breath ghosting over her skin. Immediately, she wanted to touch him, to feel his soft, warm skin under her fingertips and the air between them became tensed from their mutual attraction. They were like two poles of magnets. As soon as they surpassed a certain radius, they were inevitably drawn together. The impact, which would ever be able to separate them, must be strong, because they had easily withstood the many obstacles, which had been thrown at them.

Sadly, affection was looked upon in the dry, unemotional world of law. It was seen as unprofessional and Catherine disliked it. All she wanted to do was to kiss him softly, to rest her head against his shoulder and their world to narrow down, until all they would perceive was the other.

Rafael seemed to feel the same, because his hand twitched for a moment, but then sank back down. The realization of their situation broke the spell for a moment and Rafael’s gaze wandered to his elegant, expensive watch, which suited him perfectly, underlining his elegant appearance. Catherine chuckled inwardly. Rafael always needed longer in the morning than she did. Every item was carefully chosen to show, what he had achieved. He sighed heavily, while tucking the sleeves of his shirt and suit back over it.

“I really have to go, mi amor.”, he whispered. “Although they are more friends to us, I shouldn’t let them wait.”

This group of four was the closest they had to friends in LA, though it was not the same as the bond between the SVU and their former prosecutor. Both of them were not the kind of persons to bother with superficial friendships. They were the kind of person, who did not need many people around. They were fine with being just for themselves or with each other. They cared for quality, not quantity. Therefore, they had made some acquaintanceships with whom they went out rarely, but most of their less spare time belonged to them alone.

“Okay, I let you off the hook for now.” She raised her gaze and grinned, but her eyes stayed soft. “I’ll go to the restroom and wait here afterwards.”

Rafael nodded and screwed the protocol for a moment, stepping closer to her, their bodies just a heartbeat away and Catherine tilted her head until sapphires met topazes. He took his hand in hers, holding it tenderly as if it was a fragile piece of porcelain, dipping his head down to her and placed a sweet, brief kiss onto her lips, but it did not lack of intensity. She blushed immediately and brightly, taken aback by the unexpected prove of love. After eight months, they knew each other very well, often knowing what the other was about to say or thinking, without sharing a word and yet, they still surprised each other. Soon, though, the shock fainted and Catherine smiled into the kiss. Abruptly, Rafael pulled away and turned around on his heels, leaving her behind, because he likely would not be able to leave otherwise. He was just as caught in their spell as she was, pulled into a dream they never wanted to awake from.

Catherine watched after him for a while, appreciating the look on his back and his confident pace. Sometimes, she still wished, she would be just as much. Only her first layer had become confident and carefree, but when something threw her off track, it shattered quickly. It had become better, though. It just took time to build roots before branches.

Catherine placed her handbag down behind his desk and left his office, noticing that Sarah had already left. She scribbled a little note for her to find in the morning and maybe brightening it up. Catherine smiled, when she stuck it to the keyboard and left for the bathroom, which was at the other side of the floor.

She had not come far as an ominous premonition crept up her spine, making her shiver and her inner alarm firing up. The sharp, cold gaze of an apex predator flashed through her like a knife, making her startle. Hastily, she looked over her shoulder, but the floor was empty and nothing appeared suspicious. At this time, even the law firm was empty that a dry grass ball could roll over it. Catherine clutched her arms tightly around her stomach, protecting this weak spot from a potential attack, while increasing her pace, her steps suddenly appearing too loud and the wide floor to tight. Nervously, her eyes ran around, looking for a weapon or an escape route, while she damned herself for leaving her mobile phone behind. She had an alert programmed into it, that would send her position to Rafael, when activated. It had been a precaution to make her feel safe and so that she would never need it. Catherine bit her lip as she counted the remaining steps until she reached her goal, every little sound branding inside her ears.

“Why in such a hurry, beautiful?”, a warm voice asked next to her and Catherine saw out of the corner of her eyes, how a lean, young man pushed himself away from the wall, following her. Her heart began to pound loudly in her ears, adrenaline sharpening her senses. The air smelled like danger, became thick and tight, making it hard for her to breath. It was a simple question, no ill intention hidden in it, but something appeared off to her and she feared for her life. She had rarely been anxious lately and therefore, she had forgotten, how powerful and paralyzing this feeling was. She stepped up and found her concern confirmed, because the man followed her. Catherine suppressed the urge to look around, so she could pretend like she had not notice him. If she awoke the impression of ignoring him deliberately, it could lead to aggression. She looked around in hope to find someone to help her, but there was no one.

Then he reached her, grabbing her shoulder, swirling her around and pressing her to the wall. Catherine widened her eyes and wanted to scream, but no word left her lips as the air was squashed out of her lunges and her head hitting the metal, making her field of view explode into stars. The man was surprisingly strong for his lean figure, easily pinning her to the wall, while Catherine froze. Over and over, she had thought what to do, whenever she got in such a situation again, but now, her mind was completely blank. “What? Not even a friendly word for me?”

“I…I’m sorry.”, Catherine stuttered, immediately falling back into the submissive behavior, which had been engraved into her by pain and torture. “I didn’t hear you.”

“Did you?”, he asked warmly, but there was an intimidating drop in his undertone. Patronizingly, he cupped her chin just as Rafael normally did so tenderly and lifted it up. She was met by poisonous, green eyes, which likely never showed any warmth. “Oh, come on, don’t act so shy. You’ve been playing with me ever since you walked in.”

Casually, he placed a hand onto her hip and she tried to twist away, but he only increased the pressure against her shoulder, keeping in her in place.

“I haven’t seen you before.”

“Yes, you have. You just walked on by, throwing your hair back and smiled at me. I’ve been waiting for you to come back.” Oh god, it was one of those maniacs, who thought everybody was flirting with them. She had to escape quickly or she was going to be molested or worse in a law firm. Would the situation not be this serious, she would have laughed at the irony. But what could she do? Should she scream? But then the risk was high, he would hurt her, despite, there was no one close. Her eyes wandered around. Not even a surveillance camera close. Damn it! And to fight and free herself definitely was out of question

The molester grinned wickedly and crookedly, ice-cold insaneness glistening in his eyes and Catherine knew, she would be lost, if she did not do something soon, but her body did not react to the orders of her brain, because it was thrown back into the trauma. He touched her thigh and it felt like acid, being so completely opposite to the softness of Rafael’s touch and that was, what broke the curse. The moment she felt the foreign touch on her, Rafael’s picture appeared in front of her eyes and tore her out of her paralysis. No, she did not want to be polluted again, she would not allow anyone to destroy, what he had achieved carefully. She had to fight! Collecting all of her strength, she kneed him into his crotch. The molester howled in pain, sinking to the ground and Catherine used the remnants of her adrenaline to flee into the toilet, running into a corner and collapsed to the ground, her desperate sobs echoing from the tiles and the well-known sound summoned pictures from her nightmare. The reality became distorted, slowly turning into her cell, where she had often squatted in the corner and crying to herself. Once again, she was captivated in her prison.

Catherine was so caught in her mental flashback that she did not hear, how the door opened around five minutes later. Miranda walked in with energetic steps, humming cheerfully to herself, while she went to the mirror to check her make-up and hair, but stopped the moment she heard the desperate sound and turned around. Her eyes widened, when she saw the miserable picture, which was Catherine Amell. The brown-haired woman had her hands clenched into her curls, shivering violently and tears falling freely onto the ground.

“Catherine?”, she asked breathlessly and slowly, carefully, walked up to her, kneeling down in front of her. “Are you alright?”

Catherine did not notice her, only her subconscious pulling her legs a little closer to her body and she turned away from her. Luckily, Miranda had a well-functioning crisis mode. Quickly, she stood up, looking into the cabins to make sure, no one else was in here and then walked out to keep anybody else from coming in. She got her phone out of the pocket of her black blazer and dialed Rafael’s number.

“Rafael, you have to come to the women’s bathroom immediately. No, this isn’t a joke.” Her carefully manicured fingernails drummed impatiently against the back of her IPhone. “Catherine is sitting hurled together in the corner. I think she has a mental breakdown.”

The connection was immediately dead, the deep beep announcing the other participant had hung up. Miranda sighed and slid it back into the pocket, her head turned around to Catherine, who still had not noticed her, but her sobbing and shaking had stopped. She only rocked herself back and forth, her legs tightly pulled up to her body and Miranda had not felt this helpless in a while. She wanted to help that poor woman, who was clearly out of her mind, but the tough business woman did not know, how to as long as Catherine was not noticing her.

Soon, Rafael ran up to her, an expression of concern on his face, Miranda had never seen before and it worried her immensely. Normally, Miranda knew Rafael as a very confident, composed man, who stayed calm no matter how strong the storm was raging outside. He always knew, what to do to solve a problem. The messier the better, but this time, he was not able to contain his professional mask.

“What happened?”, he asked breathlessly, his eyes immediately peering inside the bathroom.

“I don’t know.”, Miranda said and her feeling of helplessness shone through her voice. “I came here to refresh my make up for my date with Vroni and found her like this. I tried to get some information, but she didn’t notice me. She appears…”

Miranda clicked her tongue, waving her hands helplessly, while she searched for the right word.

“…absorbed in herself.”

“Dios, por favor, no.” Rafael’s face fell, unsettling Miranda. He ruffled through his hair, consciously breathing in and out to stay calm. “Okay. Thank you for informing me. I’ll deal with this now.”

“Of course.” Miranda shifted nervously, because underneath her tough business attitude rested a very empathetic woman, which was necessary for her job. She liked Catherine a lot and wanted to help her. “I make sure no one comes in.”

Rafael nodded, but did not really listen. His entire mind and being was fixated on Catherine. Slowly, he walked in and the view broke his heart. The brightness from just a few minutes ago had died and she was caught within her darkness again. The last time he had seen her shattered like this was, when Nathan had cheated on her. Carefully, he kneeled down in front of her, but did not touch her, because it would likely terrify her.

“Cath…”, he whispered softly and he begged, he would be able to reach her. He had been aware there would always been the potential threat of throw backs, but it had been so smoothly and wonderfully lately, he had almost forgot, what was lurking in the shadows of her past. “Cath, please, look at me!”

Catherine did not react at first and Rafael’s heart clenched, when not even he was able to get through her, but then slowly, suddenly, she blinked as if she was directly looking into the bright sun, but her eyes were blank. Quickly, Rafael shrugged his suit jacket of, hanging it around her shoulders in the hope of chasing away the cold numbness, but Catherine flinched at his touch and his face crumbled, a single, desperate tear running down his cheek, but as soon as his skin touched hers, she appeared to wake up from a deep dream. She blinked and when her eyes opened again her aquamarines shone brightly again and finally, she was truly looking _at_ him.

“Rafael…”, she whispered surprised as if she wondered, where he suddenly came from, her voice sounding endlessly tired.

“Cath!”

“Rafa…” It took her some moments to realize, where she was and what had happened, but when she did, she threw herself into his arms, pressing her head into his shoulder and his suit jacket slid down her back to the floor, but she did not care. The warmth Rafael provided was so much better than a lifeless piece of fabric ever possibly could.

“Mi amor…” Rafael breathed out in relief and Catherine was still caught too much in the aftermath of her flashback to hear the slight shiver in his voice. Immediately, Rafael pulled her tightly into his arms and pressed a hard, long kiss to her temple. Catherine breathed in as his warmth spread through her from where his lips touched her, chasing away the numbness in her bones and easing the violent shiver of her body. “It’s okay. You’re safe. Nothing is going to happen. I got you.”

Over and over Rafael repeated these words like a mantra and Catherine did not know, if he was trying to reassure himself or her. She snuggled deeper into his arms in an attempt to hide herself inside of him. The good quality of his shirt made it feel soft and silky under her cheek. Slowly, Rafael’s calmness flowed into her from every point he touched her. It felt heavy, but reassuring like a blanket, its weight suffocating every attempt of her fear to consume her. Catherine rested her hand on his chest to feel the slow and even rise and fall, to sense how oxygen filled his lunges and kept this wonderful man alive. Her arm began to prickle as if his life energy was slowly transported into her and she focused on their connection, synchronizing the rhythm of her breaths to his and finally the staccato of her heart calmed down. It was the first ritual, they had established, to anchor her, whenever her trauma had tried to get her and it was still one of the most effective.

Gratefully, Catherine leaned back as her breath had evened and the shivering cold of her panic had been chased away by his warmth. His eyes were gentle and warm, but concern hang over them like fog on an early morning over bog. Carefully, trying not to startle her, he rested his hand on her cheek, his thumb brushing tenderly over the bone, before he leaned in, placing a chaste, but long kiss onto her lips. Catherine’s eyes fell close immediately, when his loved pulled her in, assuring her that nothing evil could ever happen again and it was exactly, what she needed.

The dull sound of plastic against metal brought them back from their own reality. Catherine and Rafael abruptly turned their heads to the source, her bodies and muscles tensing in alert, but the prosecutor eased, when he realized that Miranda had accidently hit the doorframe with her heel. Apologetically and caught, she smiled at them, her slim shoulder raised and even that looked elegant.

“Miranda?”, Catherine asked confused and Miranda smiled, too flat and too thin.

“Sorry.”, she mouthed and turned around to not disturb them any further, but the spell was broken. Catherine blinked irritated and then looked at Rafael, who had his forehead furrowed as if he was not sure, if he was already allowed to chuckled.

“Since when is Miranda…” Her voice crumbled as the pictures of the time in between returned to her and her face fell. “Oh…I’m sorry Miranda.”

The other woman shook her head dismissively and Catherine felt relived. She liked Miranda a lot and secretly, deep inside of her, Catherine still feared that a tiny gesture could lead to disapproval and contempt.

Wordlessly, Rafael wrapped his arms around her shoulders, while Catherine absently ran her fingers through her hair, which were still glued to her neck, although the fear had disappeared and the room it had filled was replaced by weariness.

“Are you able to tell me, what happened?”, Rafael asked and just then, Catherine realized, she had not told him yet. Did she have to? Secretly, she wished, they were able to connect mentally so that he could see her memories, because expressing it in words felt difficult. Ironic, she thought and sighed again. What had happened to her before had been much worse and she had been able to speak rather soberly about it, but this tied up her throat, leaving an unpleasant feeling behind.

“I was molested.” For a moment, Catherine felt like she should laugh at herself. This was ridiculous. It had been nothing, something most women had to deal with every day, but she made a fuzz out of it. Rafael tensed and grit his teeth, a low, dangerous growl erupting from his chest, his grip around her became tighter, almost possessive as Catherine explained what happened with a shaky voice. When she ended, Rafael’s eyes were hard as steel, starring the wall to death and he growled again, his face contorting into the grimace of an aggressive wolf and for a moment, Catherine swallowed, only now realising, how dangerous Rafael could be, when pushed over the edge. Rafael was always calm, but when someone tried to harm those he loved, he became an enemy no one ever wanted to have. He got something threateningly, a malefic aura flowing around him as dark as Maleficent’s cloak.

“I’m on it.” To Catherine’s surprise, Miranda overtook the role of the avenger. She had stepped into the restroom, anger flickering sinisterly in the air around her. While Rafael was a wolf, Miranda was a fox, a wicked gleam of slyness glistening in her bright green-blue eyes. She gave the couple a quick nod and swirled around, leaving the restroom, her high heels clacking on the marble.

The moment Rafael noticed, he did not have to fight and hunt, the hardness in his face softened and his focus returned to her. Thoroughly, he checked her body, looking for any kind of injuries, although Catherine was sure, he already had several times. Still, even Rafael needed something to be occupied with while facing the darkness and therefore Catherine let him do so. She had not missed, how pain and guilt had coloured his eyes dark.

“Rafi…”, she whispered softly, hoping she would be able to pull him out of it. Rafael blinked, when he was torn out of his concentration and he looked into her eyes and Catherine tried to show, she was fine, because Rafael might not just believe her words alone. She had hidden too much in the beginning for him to do so. “It wasn’t your fault.”

Rafael inhaled sharply in surprise, held it for several moments, but then let the air out of his mouth soundly, a resigned smile flickering around his mouth, his head falling to his chest.

“Why am I still surprised, that you notice?”, he murmured, more to himself than to her, but then he huffed and his smile became a bit wider, but it was not enough to ease the tight grip around Catherine’s heart. She did not want him to feel miserable, not when he was her light in the terrifying darkness, which slowly, bust steadily turned into dawn. When he looked back up, his eyes had cleared and he gently kissed her again and it felt angelic after being touched by a demon, soft, tender, kind, warm, liberating, magical and yet assuring and all she had ever wished for in her life. Catherine was still surprised, how such a simple gesture like the touch of lips could brighten up the past, anchor the present and promise the future, narrowing down all those complex emotions down to a single moment and containing everything, which could not be expressed in words. Forever condensed into a blink of an eye, a little whisper, a sigh, a quick breath, a teasing move of lips, happiness hormones were poured over them until every litre of their blood, and it were seven, was swimming in oxytocin and damn, it was a powerful hormone with its 9 amino acids and two cysteine rests, kept together by disulphide bridges. Strong, complex and stable just like the feelings it caused.

When they dissolved, the air was glistening from little particles, which broke the warm light. Catherine opened her eyes, feeling like she was awakening from a deep sleep, the uneasy aftermath being scattered by the warm feelings she had for Rafael. Whenever their eyes locked, they contained their own pocket dimension, their sanctuary.

Slowly, though, her legs became dead, a prickling numbness tingling through her nerves, telling her that she was cutting of the blood circulation and their sitting position became rather uncomfortable.

“Are you able to get up?” Rafael shared her thought, while he gently cupped her elbows.

“I don’t know.”, Catherine admitted. Not even the energy he had given her through his kiss was enough to chase the heavy exhaustion away. “I feel rather sluggish.”

Rafael smiled understandingly and got back up on his feet and once again, Catherine did not miss his little flinch as his stiff muscles tried to stretch all of the sudden and it made her smirk a little. Young man was getting old, huh? Rafael noticed the shift in the atmosphere and turned back to her face, raising an eyebrow elegantly, yet quizzically at her grin, but Catherine stayed mute, silently and amused grinning to herself. Rafael rolled his eyes, but he appeared relieved, the tension falling off him like a blanket of dry snow and Catherine felt the same. Their playfulness would always win. No matter how dramatic the events, both of them knew, they would overcome it and laugh again. They always had. Using the angle of his knees as leverage he pushed her up and Catherine found herself confirmed. As soon as her tired, numb legs were supposed to carry her, they buckled in protest, turning down the tools and tapped its forehead at her. Cutting off their aerial refuelling and then expecting them to work? Uh huh, sure, nice try, but not with them.

Luckily for Catherine, Rafael was there by her side just as always, rescuing her by wrapping an arm around her hip, pulling her close to his side and Catherine closed her eyes, when she felt the well-known body at her side. She knew it inside out and Catherine was sure, she would be able to recognize it blindly.

“Whoops, young lady, weak in the knees? I’m flattered.”, he whispered with a chuckle in his voice and this time, Catherine glared warningly at him, although both of them knew, it was their sign that the frightening intermezzo was over. When their humour returned, they were back to normal and that was not just pretending. It was real and it was liberating. For a brief moment, both leaned their faces against each other, tenderly rubbing their cheeks in reassurement and then Rafael led her out of the restroom, back to his office.

They were already awaited by the Fantastic Four, who looked shamefacedly and sadly at them, when Rafael and Catherine entered. Miranda likely had already told the others, what happened. Desmond opened his mouth in an attempt to speak, but shut it quickly again, because he had no words. His green eyes were duller, appearing more like moss than grass. Richard Pearson stood in one corner, whispering words, she was not able to understand. Mike showed the most emotions. He took a step towards her, maybe wanting to hug her, but he also stopped the attempt, because he figured, it might cause more damage than actually helping. Sadness and shock swirled inside his eyes, making them change their colours between the several facets of blue. Miranda’s hardness had disappeared, too, and was replaced by soberness and disappointment. She sat in Rafael’s chair and normally, in any other situation, Rafael likely would have scolded her half-heartedly for it, but in this thick, tough air, there was no room for easiness. Her fingers drummed impatiently on the glass of the desk, while she pushed her bottom lip back and forth, scraping her teeth over it. She startled, when Catherine and Rafael entered, jumping up that forcefully that the chair rolled several metres backwards.

Catherine felt their intense gazes on her, though they were neither as sharp nor as threatening as the cold ones of the molester. Although every one of them seemed to be dominated by a different emotion- Richard pragmatism, Desmond pity, Mike sadness and Miranda helplessness- Catherine could feel compassion and sympathy in each one of them.

Rafael nodded quickly to them, then led Catherine to the leather couch on the right side of his office, gently pushing her down. The little squeak of the skin of an unfortunate, dead animal suddenly appeared too loud for the room and they were all caught in the moment, their bodies frozen, because no one knew, what to do. Except for Rafael. He wrapped himself around her like a warm, breathing blanket, shielding here from whatever wanted to come back to the surface and that caused Miranda to jump into action. She poured Catherine a glass of water, which she gladly took. The moment her tongue tasted the liquid of life, she noticed how dried out she was from crying and she eagerly swallowed all of the cold, wonderful water down her throat. Rafael took it from her, when it was empty and placed it back on the coffee table.

“Mister Romanoff wasn’t able to find him.”, the deep voice of Richard announced as he ended the call and put the phone away carelessly. Catherine jerked for a moment, but relaxed immediately, when Rafael stroked through her hair, aspirating a soft kiss against her temple. Strangely, Catherine felt touched by how many efforts those people, who were still almost strangers, put into helping her, honestly and willingly feeling her pain and wanting to carry it with her. They did not have to, but they wanted to, because they truly liked her as she now realised and, in this moment, Catherine wished them to become friends. What Catherine did not know in this moment was, the next she was going to enter the law office, she would find herself in a tight bear hug of Alexei. “There is also no footage on the surveillance video. It seemed like he was lucky to find a dead angle.”

“Thought so.”, Catherine murmured with an absent voice, her eyes opening again and for the first time, she starred directly into their eyes. “There was no camera.”

Dead-punned, the four looked at her, while Rafael sighed exhaustedly, being used to her sharp perception.

“How do you know?”, Desmond asked carefully as if she could shatter from a wrong one.

“Because I searched for one.” She shrugged dismissively, because for her, it was quite obvious. Mike starred at her agape, his mouth opening and closing and composed himself, clearing his throat and said:

“That is…astonishing.” He flinched, just now realizing, how wrong it sounded, but Catherine looked at him, her gaze telling him it was no problem. Buchanan had said worse to twist her testimony. This would not throw her off track. “I don’t know, if I’d thought of it in such a situation.”

Miranda kicked him and glared at the young, unfortunate man, who put his foot in it with Catherine in every attempt to make it better. Mike flinched and an apologetic smile twitched around his mouth, making his mole dance and somehow, this scene cheered Catherine up a little, while she felt Rafael’s disapproval next to her and how he successfully suppressed the urge to throw his arrogant gaze at Mike, which gave him the impression of a strict grandfather, before he hid himself behind the newspapers again. Youth of today. Absolutely no consideration.

“I have some practise.”, Catherine said casually and was actually surprised by herself, but Rafael was even more. He dissolved his face from her hair, in which he had rested it, and starred deeply into her eyes, silently asking if she was sure. They both knew, it was a point of no return. Now, she had to reveal her past to them and strangely, Catherine wanted to. She wanted to give them this trust and build up this connection.

“What do you mean?” Hesitation did not seem to be an attribute, which fitted Desmond. He was a man, who willingly took risk in his spare time, going all in, living the _now or never, all or nothing_ attitude. Catherine, on the other hand, was overruled by hesitation, being afraid of every step, first having to dip her toe into the puddle to check its temperature. Nervously, she licked her lips, before she turned her gaze to Miranda, who immediately caught it.

“Could please give me another bottle of water?”

“Of course.” Miranda went to the fridge, which rested underneath Sarah’s desk and got a crystal-clear bottle with the faint blue shimmer of ice out of it and handed it to Catherine, who took it, while thanking her.

“You should probably sit down.”, Catherine advised them, while opening the bottle. “That’s going to be a longer explanation.”

The group exchanged a confused gaze, hesitating for a moment, but then they complied, sitting down on the other sofa in front of them. Was it a little decadent that Rafael had one big enough to easily fit four people?

For a moment, Catherine thought back to the evening, when her master had been about to start and she had enlightened Rafael about, why she had told Shauna they were a couple. Never would she had expected it to become true around half a year later. That had been a year ago. How time ran by. She had sat at the exact same spot, she was now, and Rafael, where Desmond was.

To the surprise of Rafael’s co-workers, Catherine did not drink the water. Instead she damped some handkerchiefs and started to remove layer after layer of her carefully applied make-up. More and more scares saw the light of day, telling a silent story of pain, fear, desperation and ordeal and with every new one the eyes of them widened and they inhaled sharply.

“Catherine…what…”, Mike stammered, words failing this intelligent man and the sight of the bugles gave him chills. He rubbed his arms instinctively and for a moment, Catherine wondered, if _they_ were strong enough to endure her story. Rafael, on the other hand, became even calmer, wrapping his hand around her arm, his thumb tenderly brushing over one of the biggest scars. Catherine took a deep, deliberate breath, steeling herself and looking directly into their eyes.

“I took some artistic freedom, when I told you the story of how I got to know Rafael.” Her voice was heavy and thick, building an unpleasant plague on her tongue. Rafael squeezed her arm comfortingly, keeping her in the present, when she was endangered to slip into the past. “This, is a point of no return. What I’m going to tell is going to force you into responsibility and into a relation, which goes deeper than acquaintances, because I have to trust you a lot for it. So, I ask you, if you truly want this, to become friends with us.”

“Catherine…” Miranda shifted uncomfortably, the intonation of Catherine indicated, that what was hiding somewhere deep inside her mind and behind her words, was so much bigger and horrible than they had expected and it made them realize, how grave the matter truly was. They exchanged a gaze, silently communicating with each other over their eyes, while Catherine and Rafael did through touches and energy. Rafael snuggled his head against hers, gently resting his forehead on her temple, one hand coming to rest on her chest, directly transmitting his calmness into her, slowing down her heart-beat, whenever it quickened.

To be honest, Catherine was a little surprised, when they all nodded in unite, because a small part of her still expected them to run. The last part of her, which was still traumatized and rested in the depth of her soul’s lake, expected only Rafael to be a good person and he had built up this status carefully.

Rafael immediately took her hand, when he realized, what this gesture meant and laced his fingers which hers, providing her warmth and love as a sword and shield against the darkness and fear. Catherine showed a shattered smile, which could not withstand her past anymore and crumbled to the ground.

“I go a scholarship for studying biology at the Columbia, when I was nineteen years old. A year before I moved, my brother and my grandparents had passed away after long illness and my parents have never cared for me. So, all I wanted to do was to leave my home, which only contained sadness for me. Therefore, I flew over the Atlantic with a heart full of hopes and dreams.” For a moment, Catherine took a deep breath and her nose shivered, when she let it out deliberately again. “But they never had the chance to be fulfilled. I only had just arrived, when the last, tiny piece of my youth was taken away from me, too.”

A collective, heavy swallow went through the audience, while Rafael kissed into her hair encouragingly.

“I was abducted, held captive, raped and tortured for a year.” Slowly and haltingly, but firmly, she told the shocked adults, what had happened to her. Her fingers twitched every now and again, when she reached a very gory detail, but Rafael always managed to calm her down. She gave them a rough, clinical summery of the things, they had done to her, but left out most details to spare them. Catherine did not need to tell them, how her captivity had felt to her. They knew, that was blatantly obvious on their faces- even on Richard’s, who was normally as composed and calm as Rafael, but differently than the former prosecutor, was not used to such stories. With every word Catherine spoke, they paled more, the horror of her nightmare mirroring in their eyes. She explained her flight to them and the outcome, if they had caught her, which was actually easier than to put her torment into words, although the time itself had felt that much harder to her. Her nightmare had exhausted her beyond compare, but her flight had almost killed her.

When she reached the point, when Marianne had become involved, Catherine had stalled, suddenly her mind missing the words. Rafael watched her for a moment, but then sighed and overtook it for her, addressing the completely shocked persons on the other couch:

“When they slowly had to understand that they might not be able to catch her, they abducted another girl. Marianne, 17 years, who happened to look shockingly similar to Catherine, when she had been held captive. That was, when the SVU and I got onto Catherine’s track. Marianne’s parents had reported her missing quickly and the SVU had been able to find her just two days after she had been abducted. Luckily, they didn’t have the time to outlive their fantasies, but we were in the dark. We had no idea, who the rapists actually were. Marianne could roughly describe them, but the time had been too short for her to figure out, they were identical triplets. Sadly, they were clever and had hid their identities carefully. The only hint we found…”

Rafael’s voice trailed off and this time, he directed his words at Catherine, but he did not look at her. He starred at the wall instead, his fingers absently combing through her hair to calm him.

“I’ve never told you, what kind of picture of you we’d found in there.” He sighed and his eyes were dark and tired, when he looked at her. “It was a torn apart photograph of you chained naked to the bed, unconscious, blood dripping like red tears out of several wounds all over your body as if it was crying. Your skin was pale and dull. You were malnourished and so terrifyingly thin. It made you appear like a skeleton, which someone had covered raggedly with skin. The ripped off part likely showed one of them proudly posing in front of you. It had something of a selfie in a sadistic, distorted way. I will never forget Liv’s face expression, when she showed me the picture or the thoughts, which had run through my head. I had seen a lot, I had seen worse, but it gave me an uneasy feeling. If this was the photograph, they had risked to leave behind, what showed those, they had destroyed? In this moment, I realised, what Marianne had been spared of and that I would need you to put them behind bars for as long as possible, though, it would never be just.”

Catherine did not know, what to say to this. She could not remember that they had ever taken pictures of her. She must have been unconscious to all of them, but that reveal suddenly brought a thought to her head, which she never had before.

“Did they…” Catherine stopped, when the idea gripped her ice-coldly and she shivered, but Rafael understood her anyway and shook his head.

“No, they hadn’t uploaded any pictures or videos of you or her. They were too clever for it. It would have given us more chances to find them.” Somehow, that was a relief. At least, no perverts could get turned on by watching, how Catherine was tormented, but she still shivered. She knew, why Rafael had admitted it, because she would have asked, why they had searched this long and thoroughly for her, when Marianne had been only raped once, but it brought back the gut-wrenching uneasiness, which filled the air with electricity. The fine hairs on her arms rose as little sparks itched over her skin and her fingers twitched, longing to scratch herself. It had been almost eight months since she had felt this quirk the last time, which sometimes became so obsessive that she could not stop, before this strangling feeling subsided or she drew blood. Mostly the ladder. Thankfully, Rafael was vigilant and covered her hands in his, before she could have given in. Catherine looked into his eyes, but he only shook his head and Catherine sighed, settling her head back into the crook of his neck, allowing his soft caresses to chase her tension away.

“When I noticed that the NYPD followed me.”, she continued. “I found out that there had been another victim and felt guilty. Several times, I had thought about reporting my crimes to the SVU or even Rafael directly, but I’d never been brave enough. I feared, that my rapist would be searching intensely for me, now, that Marianne had been freed. I had been right. They almost got me once again. I had just been able to jump out of a window and run as they busted through the door of my room in a homeless shelter. Later, I found out, they’d beaten up my roommate Angelica, who had tried to protect me. So, I was on the run again, but my strength was fading. I thought a lot about giving up, but wasn’t sure, if the SVU was able to protect me. After half a year of playing hide and seek with the NYPD, I felt like I was dying any minute. All my resources had been consumed, I was hungry, tired and had lost every will to life. Running away had been my past for a long time, but I couldn’t stand the thought of it to be my future, too. What kind of life would that be? Never to use the same pattern again, never visit a place twice in a row, staying alert even while sleeping, trusting no one. So, I decided to take the risk and let the SVU find me. Maybe, they could save me, maybe not, but it would finally end. One way or another and that was all I wished for in this moment.”

From this point on, Rafael overtook the narrating part, when he noticed, how the shadows of her former hopelessness exhausted her, depicting, how they got the notification that Catherine was back on radar, how he had been around and therefore decided to meet her, how he took her in and care of her and also a short resume of the trial and the conversation they had shared on the stairs of the courthouse. That he had advised her to leave New York, because it would always be her intimidating hell.

“I left New York that evening.” Catherine’s voice was far away and she struggled to keep her eyes open, feeling so utterly drained, she almost fell asleep right here, right now. “Brought a one-way bus ticket to LA and never looked back. Three years later, we both met again on the Santa Monica Pier and from that point on, it was the story I told you.”

The air was thick and unpleasant in Rafael’s voice, tension crackling like flashes through it. The four adults did not know, how to handle what Catherine had revealed to them. No words they could possibly say, would be enough for what she had to endure. They were overwhelmed and slowly understood the warning, which Catherine had given them and she started to regret, she had told them her story and destroyed the carefreeness between them. They would never be able to see her with the same eyes again.

But then something happened, what Catherine would never had expected. Nothing kept Mike on the lounge anymore. He jumped up and walked over to the couple. Catherine dissolved from Rafael and looked up at him. Their eyes met and became deep, their gazes silently communicating with words, neither of the young adults were able to understand, but then, her body stood up on its own and before she knew it, Mike hugged her tightly. When her conscious realised, what had happened, she stiffed for a moment, her breath stopping in her chest, but his warmth was comforting, and soon, her body melted into the compassionate embrace, burying her head onto the slim shoulder and the tension in the air subsided slightly.

After Mike and Catherine had got to know each on the gala, they had stayed in contact. Catherine had found the premise of his start-up fascinating and therefore had regularly discussing the functioning via messenger until deep into the night and they found each other sympathetic. There already had been a fine connection between the, which had begun to blossom into friendship. Therefore, it was no wonder that Mike had been the first to react.

“I’m so sorry, Catherine.”, Mike still tried to express his feelings, though he was aware it was way too less, but that he tried was all that mattered to the abused woman. She sniffed, nodded and broke a little. Her finger’s clenched into his shirt, expressing how much his try meant to her. Mike hold her tight, giving her warmth to chase the coldness of her story away. This action woke the other up, releasing them from their paralysis. They stood and rested their hands on her shoulders, comfortingly rubbing her and all this friendliness overwhelmed her a little. Rafael only watched the happenings with a smile, leaning back against the couch, the scene warming his heart. It was important for her to know, that she was likeable, wonderful person and what had been beaten into her was wrong.

His movement seemed to have caught Mike’s eyes. The biologist dissolved slightly from Catherine and looked at the former prosecutor with a quizzical gaze, it now dawning to him, that Rafael might not appreciate.

“I’m sorry, Rafael.”, Mike hurried to apologise to pre-empt a potential rush of jealousy. “I probably should’ve asked you, if you’re al…”

The soft, gentle voice of Mike trailed off, when Rafael shook his head and gave him a reassuring smile.

“I’m not the one, you should have asked.”, he explained with a calm voice and unmoved, he looked at the picture in front of him. “We don’t have this kind of relationship. Ours is based on mutual respect and trust. We only want, what’s best for the other. So as long as she is fine, I’m too and she obviously is.”

The fabric of his expensive suit rustled, when he slowly stood up and walked towards them. As soon as he reached them, Catherine woke up from her grief of lost youth, hopes and dreams. Time slowed down between them as she slowly turned around to him. Mike’s energy was similar to Rafael’s in such a situation, but it was not nearly as strong as his. When given the choice, she would always choose her man, because he was the strongest source of strength and calmness, she had ever known. Mike gave her free, letting her go into the waiting arms of Rafael, who immediately welcomed her, his aura surrounding her with calm and warmth. Rafael gently stroked through her hair, while she bedded her head on his collarbone and immediately, when they reconnected, the air in the room cleared up and became fresher, causing a gentle breeze of innocence and tenderness and the other’s were able to feel the extends of their emotions, the strong bond, which existed between them. For them, it felt like pure white wings wrapped themselves around the couple, though they were not sure to whom they belonged. They protected and shielded Catherine and Rafael from everything, which could taint the feathers in exchange for them to not allow anything to taint them from the inside. That was subconsciously clear to the outsiders like an unspoken dogma. Something they simply knew was true without ever having learned actively, like it slowly slipped into them like abyssal swirling mist in the light of morning.

Rafael dissolved slightly and placed a soft, long kiss against her forehead, not caring what those around them might possibly think. Their opinion did not matter compared to her well-being. Nothing mattered more than that. The world could go down, he would let it burn willingly, as long she was safe and sound. It was a dangerous thought, Rafael knew that, but it did not worry him, because she would never let earth burn down. If she could, she would carry the pain of the world, nothing would make her more happily and therefore, he became the other part of the coin to protect her from herself, becoming the other extreme, the shadow to her light in order to keep the balance. It was a weird world of thought, which had opened up to him, to feel that powerful, absolute and _complete_ , now, that he finally had found his missing puzzle piece in her.

Were they co-dependent? It was a question, which sometimes haunted both of them. Was this intensity of feelings dangerous? That the only thing truly mattering was that between them. Was it an arrogant, egoistic way to love, although it felt this perfect and innocent? Could it possibly be co-dependency, when they both felt much better and stronger through their mutual love?

“I love you, mi amor.” Another dogma, another unquestioned truth and its impact surged through the room, throwing everything evil against the walls, where it shattered and dissolved as dark fog.

“I love you, too.” Catherine smiled as if nothing had happened today, her light as bright as it had ever been before and that amazed Rafael every time. In the dark of the night, she was able to stay untouched, unharmed, shining even brighter than before. His strong, warm and white light. “It seems like we missed our reservation.”

Catherine twisted her mouth ruefully, but could not help to chuckle. Her voice flapping like an excited, little bird, which could not await the moment, when it could finally fly. Rafael had the feeling this moment was not far away until she was able to and she could experience the liberating feeling of up winds underneath her wings and to soar up to the sky and the little glistening of extensional hope in her eyes told him, she thought the same. One day soon, the sky would be the brightest of blue and the wind would sing its song for her again. When this time arrived, after her moult, Catherine would be the most beautiful bird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just love Sarah. She's so fun, although her appearance was brief.
> 
> That strangely was the most difficult chapter so far and I don't know, why :D For a moment, I feared I was slowly losing the story. I haven't rewritten that much in any other chapter, but I think it took it turn and became quite good. Or am I wrong?
> 
> Anyway, New York is calling and Lucia Barba is going to make an appearance in the next chapter. Look forward to it :)


	33. The magic of New York

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's finally time to meet the mother in law.

The Bronx was founded in 1642 by the Swedish immigrant Jonas Bronck and was called _Bronck’s land_ from the following Dutch and English immigrants, which then derived into _Bronx_ over the time. It was the northernmost district of this hell of a city, which was called New York, even north of Ryker’s Island and maybe that was the reason, why it was such a tough place, full of criminals and violence, Darwin’s law of the survival of the fittest still taking place every day. For most of humankind evolution was an ancient idea, which did not apply anymore, but for those caught in here, it was omnipresent. Who could, fled south the East River.

It was almost Christmas and this roughness materialized into cold, which rained down onto the streets in the form of little, dancing snowflakes. Ironic, how contrary it was. Snowflakes were pure, innocent, beautiful and perfection crafted into crystal, but the ground to which they floated was dirty in many meanings of the word.

The Bronx, however, was also a crucible of people from all nationalities and skin colours. Life pulsated through its veins disguised as streets and the energy was condensed in the free space between the high canyons of skyscrapers. The heat slowly rose, emitting into the sky, where it met the cold and condensed into fog, creating another sky, which nobody saw.

Catherine knew the Bronx very well. She had spent most of the time during her flight here. In the shadows of the skyscrapers, she had been one of many and therefore unremarkable. The Bronx had been a good disguise. She maybe knew it as well as Rafael, just in a different way, from another point of view. Rafael knew, how it was like to grew up in these merciless streets, while Catherine knew, how to flow with the leaden blood of pavement. Even in this aspect, they were their mirrors. Rafael had been able to arise from the Bronx, while Catherine had fallen into it. Rafael was the heat and Catherine was the cold. And that was fine. The cold had never bothered her, heat had, but over the years she had lived in LA, she had forgotten how sharp and piercing it felt, how it unerringly slipped into the body and settled around the bones. A sharp breeze flew through the canyons and made her shiver despite the thick, warm coat she wore and the beanie protecting her head and ears. She rubbed her gloved hands together, shifting from leg to leg, her breath flying as a little cloud up into the sky and she followed its trail with her eyes. It appeared that she had turned from a winter into a summer child. In the world of Game of Thrones, it was a term for innocence. Said child was too young to experience the devouring winter, all they knew was summer and the kindness of the sun. Maybe Catherine’s metamorphosis from cold to warm meant, she regained some of her innocence and happiness back, weaning her from the darkness.

Catherine did not know, how to feel about being back in the city that never slept and yet contained her extremes: hope and desperation, dreams and nightmares. It was such a contrasting city, especially for her, and that caused an inner conflict, which made her uneasy. On the one hand, she knew, her rapists were dead and she was not in danger, well not more than in any other big city, but on the other hand, she could not relax completely nevertheless, the deeper layers of her being highly alerted, her ears pricked. Once, she had moved fluently through the gorges of this city, but now, she felt lost. In the past, she had known every corner, every shop, every stone and tree, but the city had changed, or she had or both and now, New York felt foreign to her. They did not know each other anymore. They had alienated from each other. But this could possibly be a new opportunity for her. Maybe she could finally leave the past behind and relive New York through Rafael's eyes. Maybe she could finally see the wonder of this city that so many incredible people had sung about. Maybe this time she was destined to fall in love with the city of the stars. Catherine hoped so, because she had enough of all those exhausting, negative feelings and she was tired of fearing and hating the symbol of her trauma.

A kiss was placed against her temple and to her delight, it did not startle her. Her alarm system subconsciously recognised the trusted presence of her beloved Rafael. She closed her eyes, sighed and sank into his warmth.

“What are you philosophizing about, mi amor?”, Rafael asked and handed her the coffee, he had got for her. Catherine thanked him and watched the dance of the steam for a moment, before she destroyed it by blowing her breath through the little gap in the lit. The hotness of the liquid radiated from the to-go cup and the wool of her gloves into her hands, her nerves, blood and finally, her system, being spread by the everlasting cycle inside of her.

“Why do you think I’m philosophizing?”

“Because you tend to be cynic, when you’re nervous and cynicism is just an embittered form of philosophy.”, he explained, while resting his head against hers, looking up to one of those skyscrapers or maybe the clouds. Some snowflakes landed on his face, melting immediately. They could not withstand his warmth.  

“I’m embittered?”, she asked curiously. Carefully, she drank a sip of her coffee and coughed as the liquid ran down her throat, waving her hand in front of her mouth. “Uh, hot _and_ strong.”

Rafael chuckled quietly and shook his head. For him, the coffee was rather watery. Catherine was just not used to it and he would never make the mistake of giving her one cup of his coffee ever again. On caffeine, she became insomuch jittery and pumped that it scratched at the border of being endurable, but somehow, he found this adorable as well.

“No, you’re not embittered.”, he stated and placed another kiss into her hair. “You use cynicism as a protection mechanism in those moments of putative weakness to keep others distant. It’s also a tool to remind you of the worst in the world so that you stay alert.”

Catherine turned her head to him, a surprised gaze in her eyes. She had never seen it like this. She had thought her cynicism had been born out of the disenchantment of the world, but Rafael believed it was created to give her the ability to survive hellfire. To ensure her soul stayed intact.

“Since when are you so experienced in psychology, my darling?”, she asked after staring thoughtfully at the people, who hurried around to get the last Christmas presents. She turned her head to him and blinked softly, yet questioningly at him. Maybe it was the restricted light of the city, but Rafael’s eyes seemed to have a different colour in New York. They appeared darker, maybe due to melancholy. Were hers darker too?

“Ever since you bury yourself in work and I have to watch Hannibal on my own to feel a little close to you.” He sniffed theatrically, but his eyes gleamed with mischief. After she had revealed her past to the Fantastic Four- Rafael had just rolled his eyes, when he had heard her new nickname for them- she had grown close to them very quickly and truly befriending them. It had not taken long, until Mike had offered her a student job in his start-up. At first, Catherine had thought he did it out of pity, but he had been quick to assure her, he had been planning on asking her beforehand and just had not known, what Rafael might have thought of it. After he had experienced, how harmonic their relationship was, he knew, he would never keep her small. Rafael still had one condition for both of them: Catherine should not overwork herself, because he had known, what a busy time would lay ahead of the start-up. It also had a pleasant side-effect: Rafael and Catherine were working together at times, because Catherine was responsible for the entire FDA process. It gave them a great inside into the job of the other and they quite enjoyed it, though, at times it was strange that Catherine actually was his boss. It was a weird dynamic for both of them.

“What? You watch Hannibal without me!” She gasped deeply shocked, her eyes staring at him as if he had said he was cheating on her- no, she would probably not look that shocked, then. “That’s treason! Off with your head.”

Rafael rolled his eyes, although he was not really annoyed. Catherine had lost the ability to be moderate due to her experiences and had turned into a person of extremes. She was either too energetic or too quiet, too young or too old. There was no space between.

“It’s not like you’re watching it for the first time. Tell me, cariño, how many times exactly have you seen it? Four? Five?” Rafael threw one of his famous disbelieving gazes at her and quirked an eyebrow.

“That’s not what it is about.”, she pouted playfully, her hands on her hips. “I wanted to see your reactions, when you watch this well-crafted show for the first time.”

It truly was very well-crafted and mentally stimulating show, that much he had to admit. That and it was concerning, how much he was sympathising with two very different kinds of psychopaths. One with the perfect empathy and one with perfect emotionlessness. It was enthralling and shocking at the same time, exciting and uncomfortable and the dialogues made you question the moral construct of society. The show showed the human abysses and how even the desire to save people could be manipulated into an egoistic, destroying dream.

“You’re a weird woman, Catherine.” He sighed, but smiled, gently poking her forehead. “Have I ever told you that?”

“A lot.” Her smile was just as soft as his. “Almost as often as you say, you love me.”

“That I do.”, he confirmed, a warm gaze in his eyes and kissed her. His lips were chilly, tasting of coffee and ice. Still, it made Catherine melt and for a moment, she felt like the woman, who was kissed by a relieved, homecoming soldier at Times Square in this famous black-and-white photograph. Maybe, there truly was a spark of magic in these streets of gold- though here in the Bronx, the gold likely was already stolen.

“I do, too, by the way.”, she teased, after he had dissolved from her and the spell crumbled, giving free the view on reality.

“Good to know.”, Rafael chuckled, pulling her closer to his side. The sand- almost Peruvian brown wool of his coat was softer than expected by its structure.

“Were you distracted or trying to avoid?”, Rafael then suddenly asked, when he rested his chin onto her head.

“What?” Catherine blinked confused and dissolved, looking into his eyes and tilting her head.

“You haven’t answered my question, what you were philosophizing about, yet and I wondered, if you were distracted or tried to avoid to answer.”, he explained and his deep, expressive eyes looked thoughtfully at her.

“What difference does that make?”

“If you were distracted, I’d ask it again, if you tried to avoid it, I wouldn’t.” Rafael shrugged casually, because he believed the answer to be quite obvious and drank almost half of his coffee, which reminded Catherine, she should probably, too. The cold was already creeping up her feet again.

“Not the other way around?”, she asked, when enough artificially inserted warmth ran through her veins again and threw the numbness of the cold out.

“No.”, Rafael stated. “I’d never push you to answer a question you don’t want to. Mutual respect, remember, darling?”

He grinned brightly, but arrogantly and Catherine loved and yet was annoyed by it equally.

“Distracted.”, Catherine admitted after a few moments of thinking, but then she furrowed her brows, looking into his eyes. “But I believe your real question is, about what I’m nervous, am I right?”

“Yes.” Rafael had emptied his cup of coffee and disposed it carelessly into a bin, then he turned around to her with a soft, but a little melancholic smile and Catherine wondered, what part of his life was he saw, when he walked through these streets filled with memories. “Is it the city or the dinner?”

“The city a little.”, she answered thoughtfully, her eyes hanging on the brick row house on the other side of the street. Christmas decoration hang in the windows and in some floors, she could watch how mothers or grandmothers likely baked cookies for the many children, who did not have much the rest of the year. Maybe, Catherine thought, it was not Rafael, who was sad. It appeared that sadness was hanging as little particles in the air. The condensed, little crystals of hopes for a better future. Catherine leaned backwards into the nothingness, because she knew, it was not empty. Warm arms wrapped themselves around her, holding her close to her trust. She covered the fine hands with hers and closed her eyes, allowing the merry mood to seep into her, to fill her with contemplation. It had been a long time since she had felt this calm and peaceful. How liberating it was not to wait for the shadows to devour her. “It’s weird to be able to walk on the surface instead of the underground this time.”

They had spent the day walking his paths. He had shown her his school, the renovated playground, where he had used to play. With every station, Catherine had tried to refine and sharpen her idea of how the young Rafael had been like, to make a movie of the past play in front of her eyes. Was it strange that she wished to help him, although he obviously had been able to take care of himself and had turned out so wonderfully?

Catherine lifted her head and placed a gentle kiss against his jawbone, her gloves rubbing over his. A young afro American teenager, who was passing them, stopped for a second, turning back to them, surprised and taken aback by their many differences. His face turned into a deep frown, before he shuddered and then continued his way without saying something to them, although he likely wanted to.

“What do you think was that for? For standing in the way or for us?”, Catherine chuckled, finding the open show of disapproval amusing. She tilted her head into her neck, looking up into his wonderful, deep eyes.

“The latter, I assume.”, Rafael answered with a neutral tone and he looked down to her. “Even for the Bronx, we’re an extraordinary couple in many ways.”

“In which aspect? The age? Ethnic? That we actually love each other?”

“All.” Rafael chuckled and leaned his cheek onto her head.

“Think so, too.” Catherine turned her head and closed her eyes, focusing herself on what was between them. “I love you, Rafael.”

“I love you, too, mi amor.”, he confirmed in their beloved, established ritual, both of them making sure to tell it each other at least once per day and meaning it. It should not become an automatism, which transferred into an empty phrase, it should stay a reminder of the wonderful thing they share even when life was stressful. Catherine smiled happily, letting the warm words caress her ears and soul. “But slowly I get the impression that you do not want to talk about your nervousness because of the dinner with my mother.”

“Mhhmhh.” Catherine shook her head and stepped out of his arms, turning back to him and starring deeply into his eyes, while resting a gloved hand on his cheek, not bothering about some other people, who obviously glared at them, letting the disapproval roll off her shoulder. “I’m not distracting, darling. You know, I’d tell you, if I don’t wanna talk about it, because I know, you’d respect it. And you’re right. I am nervous. Very much so, to be honest."

Rafael looked down to her and he could feel her nervousness in a slight tremble in her aura. It was the energy she always had, when she was shortly before an anxiety attack. Gently, he linked his arm with hers to calm her down and give her an anchor to the slowly rising flood of fear inside of her, but she would need more to withstand the merciless surge.

“There’s no need to be.”, Rafael assured her, when they resumed walking. There was still time left until Lucia Barba had invited for dinner and Rafael knew very well it was better not to be too early. Lucia Barba had the habit, just like Catherine, to go all out on something. So, whenever she was about to have guests, she tended to cook elaborate food, while being less experienced- his mother rarely had had time to cook at all- and that made for an explosive combination combined with her temper. It was better not to be in the firing line then or one could end up with the ladle thrown against the head- he spoke out of experience. When he had told Catherine about it, she had offered to host the dinner or to help her cooking, but that would have been even worse. His mother was stubborn, too- he must have inherited it from someone after all- and would not accept any help. She would see it as interfering and that would lead for Catherine to have a bad start right from the beginning. Rafael sighed. Maybe, being nervous was not that wrong, but he could not tell her that. “No matter, what’s going to happen, Cath, it won’t change that I love you.”

“I know that.” She sighed and her shoulders slumped, while she kicked a stone out of frustration. Of course, he was right. Rafael was too confident to let anybody else influence him about them. She truly wished she would be as just as much and to be able to approach the dinner relaxed, too. That she was able to trust in herself, because otherwise, she would only make it worse. “But I want her to like me nonetheless. Although things might still be a little tensed between you, she’s the only family you’ve left and I want her to accept me as your partner. I don’t want to cause even more strain.”

“Oh, Cath…” Rafael sighed heavily, before he laced his fingers with hers, calmingly rubbing over her palm. “I love you for thinking this way, darling, I truly do, but you’re not responsible for patching us up.”

Catherine blinked and stopped her trail. She had not seen it that way. It was only natural to want the mother in law to like you, but Rafael was right, unconsciously, she wished that if Lucia was going to like her, it might bring them back together. No, even worse: she hoped, she could use those relations to talk them into becoming closer again. The loss of her family had left such a deep wound inside of her, she wanted to spare everybody else of it. They should use the time given to them, but with that she was forcing her wishes onto others. Rafael and Lucia had experienced the same, just as much as she had and with this selfish desire for peace and happiness, she was declaring only her imagination as right.

Slowly and ashamed, she turned back around to him and looked into his eyes.

“You’re right, Rafa, and I’m sorry.” Of course, and for her luck, Rafael did not mind. Smiling gently, he stroked tenderly through her hair, which peaked out of her beanie and he placed a brief kiss against her forehead.

“I love your wish to save everyone, my darling.”, he whispered, resting his forehead against hers and cupped both her cheeks with his leather gloves, enhancing the connection between them. “But please, be careful. It might destroy you. Believe me, I tried to, too, but it only causes desperation.”

“But I want you to be happy.”

“I already am, Cath. A good relation with my mother would increase that, true, but I don’t need it to be. Do you understand that?” She stayed quiet for several moments, trying to understand, what he had said, but it was against her deepest believe. For her, being close to the family was essential to happiness and if one family was not, then they must want to deeply within them. That some did not need them for a content life sounded weird for her, but as she looked into his eyes for a long time, she found nothing, but honesty in them. “It’s not a checklist on which every point must be fulfilled so that I am happy. I can be with only one. _You_ are essential for my happiness _._ ”

“Rafael…”, she whispered surprised with tears in her eyes and yet happiness spreading warmly through her. Finally, she was important in someone’s life. Finally, she was seen and treasured. She belonged to someone and someone returned the love she felt. She had been able to leave her existence of being a ghost behind and stepped back into life. Swiftly, she pressed herself against him, once again trying to express her gratefulness for everything he gave her like hundred times before, still not being able to completely understand that it was mutual, that it was not troublesome for Rafael. It was not a favor he did for her, but her thanks felt so sweet, he could not always convince him to remind her. Gently, he rubbed the back of her head and held her close.

“Just be yourself, Cath, and don’t worry too much. That’s the best advice I can give you.”, he whispered. “Don’t try to be someone else or to please her. She’s going to notice and dislike you for it. Dishonesty is the one thing my mother can’t stand. The rest will be fine and you’re not alone in this. I’m still coming with you, you know.”

Catherine held her breath for a moment, but the anxiety inside of her crumbled and she huffed, nodding. Why was the mental fear still trying to get her, she wondered. It should have learned by now that it stood no chance against Rafael’s word. Over one and a half year of sharing the closest connection two humans could possibly have, he had learned to read her like an open book and to say exactly, what she needed to hear. What Catherine was not able to see yet, was that it was the same the other way around.

When she had calmed down, she dissolved from his embrace, wrapping her arms loosely around him and starring dreamily into his eyes, before she kissed him softly and in this moment, she understood him. This here was _real_ and it was the only thing she needed to be happy. If her family would still be alive, she would be even more, but on the other hand, without that tragedy, she would not know him. Would the Catherine from the other time line be happier than her? In this very moment, she was not so sure anymore. 

“Everything alright again?”, Rafael asked as he hugged her tightly to his heart. Catherine closed her eyes and let his warmth wash over her like a river, easing her mind and soul. Slowly, she got the feeling, she did not need to be afraid anymore with such an understanding boyfriend by her side.

“Yes.” Gratefully, she placed a kiss onto the wool of his coat under which his heart was protected. This wonderful, precious heart, which had decided to let her in and to protect her. “Thank you, my love.”

“Any time, mi amor.” Rafael placed a kiss onto her head, humming happily. “Any time.”

It was really amazing how carefree he spoke like they were talking about what they wanted to eat for lunch. Nothing in it showed the hard time behind them and how much she had imposed on Rafael. No matter how hard the struggles had been, he had stayed strong, unwavering, being her rock in a stormy sea and still, he looked at her with such a tenderness in his eyes, that Catherine started to believe, nothing could tear them apart. If Rafael had been able to stay by her side through this rush period, she would be able to meet his mother. Catherine paused for a moment in her thoughts. That sounded like it was a hardship and that was not true. Actually, she wanted to get to know his mother, the woman, who had born and raised her lifesaver.

Catherine smiled and laced her hand with his, while cupping his cheek with the other. Rafael closed his eyes immediately, trustingly resting his head into her warm palm, allowing her to carry the weight of his thoughts. In this gesture rested such tenderness, it warmed her heart and Catherine felt, it meant as much to him.

“Can you at least give me a little hint?”, she begged with a soft chuckle in her undertone. Rafael opened one eye and smirked, placing a little kiss against her palm.

“No.”, Rafael teased with a wide grin and ditched her. Disbelievingly, Catherine’s mouth dropped just like her hand and she stared after her love as he disappeared into the crowd.

“Rafa!”, she called after him warningly, but Rafael was not irritated by it. She heard his deep laughter from somewhere of the crowd and she could not contain a straight face. The sounds of her steps were swallowed by the mass of humans, as she chased after him, zigzagging laughingly her way through the crowd of faceless bodies she could not care any less about. Only Rafael’s silhouette was highlighted by an invisible shine. As soon as she reached him, he casually wrapped his arm around her and pulled her to his side as they continued walking the streets of his past.

~*~

Lucia Barba was everything Catherine had expected and yet none of that at the same time. So much was clear as the elderly, but tough, woman opened the door of her ground level flat in one of the better houses of the Bronx. To assess the age of Rafael’s mother was not an easy task. According to mathematics, she must be over seventy, but the rest was not assessable. Her face with the deep wrinkles showed a life full of sorrows and obstacles, but it was beautiful for her age. Her short hair was carefully dyed auburn. She wore a purple cardigan over a white blouson and a chino. She looked absolutely elegant, but the most impressive thing about her was her aura. Right from the first step she took and the first glance at her, it was clear she was not a woman you wanted to mess with it. With keen eyes, she looked at her son and then, her soft side broke free.

“Rafi.”, she said joyfully and hugged her son tightly. Her voice was a little hoarse from talking a lot her entire life and from her experiences, but firm and Catherine wished she would be in such a good state, when she had grown old.

“Hello, mommy.”, Rafael whispered with the softest of voices, the loving tone, which only belonged to parent’s and he closed his eyes, placing a gentle kiss against her cheek. Longing flooded through the floor of the modern house- well, modern for the Bronx- and in this moment, Catherine felt how much they missed each other deep inside of them, but the circumstances of life and their stubbornness kept them from truly acknowledging it. Rafael might have said, he did not need his mother to be happy and he might even believe it, but everyone, who looked at them from the outside saw, it was not true. Still, Catherine suppressed the urge to help, because it was not her business and to be honest, she was too nervous to say something anyway. Helplessly, she stood a step behind Rafael and felt lost in the sea, making clear, she was not as confident deep down as she appeared on the surface, that most of her strength was burrowed from him. It was not wrong. That much she had accepted, because it was a progress and soon, she was going to be, but in this very moment, in this unknown, foreign situation, which contained everything she feared, she was naturally insecure. She had to face an unknown, strong person, who meant everything to Rafael and therefore, she wanted his mother to like her, too, but she did not know how to. She had no data she could rely on and made a strategy, no guide to tell her, how to behave. Should she say something? Should she introduce herself? Would Rafael? And if he did, was she allowed to hug her or was it too fast? Inwardly, Catherine was close to freak out, but forced herself to stay calm, switching into the critical mode she had learned over the years, pressing every emotion rising inside of her down to a grave somewhere deep inside of her to deal with it in a safe surrounding.

“Look, who’s finally coming home. I’m surprised you found your way back.” Lucia cupped her boy’s cheeks and gently patted them, what Rafael acknowledged with a devoted huff. Catherine’s perfect, artificial smile faltered a little, because she longed for her own family. To be part of the warmth, which surrounded them and she was left out from and never going to be part of anymore. She might become an addition, if she was lucky, but would never experience the one with blood relatives anymore. Her place in a family would only be granted as long as she was with Rafael.

“Mommy.” Rafael sighed deeply, but his face stayed soft and tender. “I visited you last year.”

“Last year exactly.” Lucia glared reproachfully at him, but Catherine saw, she simply had missed him and slowly, the guilt of keeping Rafael from his home crept up from her guts, although she knew, it was not her fault and not her decision. “What kind of son visits his mother only once a year?”

“I’m sorry, mum.” Rafael wanted to roll his eyes, Catherine sensed it, but he did not. Instead, his face became even softer and he only placed a kiss onto her forehead. That appeared to be the one thing, which seemed to universal in every family: the small members would always be small no matter, how old they had grown and the elders would always complain that no one had time for them. It was a little reassuring that even the Barba’s, who had such strong, confident and determined members were not any different in this regard.

Then, Lucia’s eyes landed on Catherine and the young woman was not able to read the expression in her eyes, but it was sharp on her and Catherine felt like a mouse, who was facing a cat, which was still deciding whether to eat the poor little thing, to play with it or to be too tired to bother.

“So, that’s her, hmm?”, Lucia asked and narrowed her brown eyes. Seeking for help, Catherine looked at Rafael, who was not irritated by his mother’s words.

“Mommy…”, Rafael scolded her light-heartedly and sighed once again, shaking his head. He turned back to Catherine, opened his arms, waving her closer. Insecurely, Catherine took the step forwards, which separated them and yet felt like Grand Canyon, her hands resting in front of her chest. Reassuringly, he placed an arm around her shoulder.

“Mum, this is Catherine Amell. The love of my life.”, he announced her with a full voice and Catherine blushed bright red in embarrassment.

“A little over-exaggerated, don’t you think?”, Catherine asked with a shy tremble in her voice and she did not dare to look into Lucia’s eyes, who had quirked an eyebrow, looking between her son, whose eyes shone with love, and Catherine, who was a little overwhelmed by his affection in front of his mother. Rafael found it adorable and placed a soft kiss against her temple.

“No, mi amor, it’s not.” And the determination in his words left no doubt behind. Catherine’s head jerked up in surprise by his powerful words and she looked at him with wide eyes. Rafael only smiled lovingly at her, showing everything, he felt for her, carrying his heart in his warm eyes. Under the intense glare, Catherine’s embarrassment melted and revealed her own emotions. Lucia watched the silent communication between the couple for a while. Two months ago, Rafael had revealed to his mother that he was in a relationship, that it was serious and he would like to introduce her. Lucia had been surprised, to say the least, because he had never mentioned her before and she had wondered, where this woman had appeared from all of the sudden. The life-experienced woman had feared her to be a social climbing slut, when she had heard her age, although she knew, her son was careful and not fooled easily, but he had been lonely, too, and she was a beautiful woman. Lucia had to give her that. In this moment, though, Lucia’s scepticism disappeared. These raw and powerful emotions between them could not be a lie. Well, at least they loved each other, that was obvious, but if they were good for each other was still to be found out. Lucia knew, how passionate love could change into something ugly.

“Hello, Misses Barba. My name is Catherine Amell. It’s nice to meet you.”, Catherine said politely, but shyly, reaching out her hand, which Rafael’s mother took immediately, shaking it. Lucia appreciated that the tone of the young woman was not exaggerated friendly.

“So, mommy, did we pass your test and are allowed to enter?” Rafael rested his head on Catherine’s with a wide, teasing grin, his arms tightly wrapped around her and Catherine instinctively snuggled into him, searching for protection and Lucia wondered, if she was the strong woman, Rafael had painted or if her cool-headed son was blinded by love. At least, Catherine was aware that she was tested and judged, her shyness showed that, but Lucia Barba was not an unfair woman. She was sceptic, yes, but she would give Catherine a fair chance.

“Yes, of course. I haven’t cooked all day to get it wasted. Come on in.” Lucia clapped her hands happily, swirled around and walked into her flat. For a moment, Catherine looked insecurely at Rafael, who only smiled reassuringly at her, encouragingly placing a hand between her shoulder blades, pushing her inwards. Catherine almost stumbled over her feet and into the flat, Rafael following her inside. For a moment, she gained her confidence back and glared at him, because he almost humiliated her in front of his mother, but Rafael only answered it with a smirk, while walking past her.

Compared to Rafael’s extravagant, expensive flat in Upper Manhattan, Lucia’s was plain simple and it told Catherine, how stubborn she was. Rafael likely had offered to buy her a flat. He was very generous with those he loved. For her birthday, he had brought Catherine a piano so she was able to play again. Catherine had declared him crazy and had asked of him to give it back, but Rafael had only hugged her tight, kissed her deeply and asked of her to play a song for him- just one and he would give it back. So, she had sat down on the piano bench and had felt reminded of the days, her brother had used to play for her to cheer her up, when she had felt abandoned. Rafael had sat by her side, his eyes had been closed, while he listened to the magic she had created. It had been a beautiful moment and she had never felt closer to him before. Afterwards, it had been decided that the piano could stay.

But still, Lucia lived here in the flat, where she had raised him, where she had endured this nightmare, which was actually impressive. She did not let this place overrule her. Lucia owned it, turned it back into her own and shoved it into her dead husband’s mouth. It also showed, how proud she was. She would never take what Rafael had achieved. That belonged to him. Her son had crafted it on his own and she would never want any of it. Her son should have it better and he had and Catherine felt her proud of him in every corner of this comfortable, but stuffed flat, which smelled of meat and vegetables, wine and delicious food. Catherine loved the flat right from the spot, it felt so _home_ and carried so much personality, but it made Catherine understand, why Lucia watched her closely, but not openly. She feared, Catherine only wanted to marry into money. She wanted to protect Rafael, although he likely did not like it. It meant, Catherine had to prove to her that her intentions were innocent and honest. Sounded easy, yes, but Catherine knew, it was not, although it was the truth.

The flat had two rooms- Rafael’s former child room and now her bedroom- and the living room. The kitchen was immediately to the right, when the flat was entered. Catherine looked around, feeling lost in this small flat. Oh God, that sounded arrogant. Catherine had lived in smaller, worse places and only because she had grown up in a mansion, she was judging this one here.

“So, Catherine.”, Lucia began slowly as she dissolved from her observing position and marinated the meat, which she had in the oven, her dark eyes hanging on her and suddenly, Catherine felt uncomfortable again, shifting her weight nervously from feet to feet. “Tell me something about you. Rafael didn’t tell me much.”

Rafael lifted his head and narrowed his eyes.

“Mom.”, he said warningly and tightened his embrace around Catherine in protection.

“What? I’m just polite.”

“No, you’re trying to bring up her past. There is a reason, why I didn’t tell you much about it. So, stop questioning her. That’s not what this evening is for.” His voice had become harder and he looked warningly at her and somehow, although she did not like the way he spoke to his mother, Catherine was glad, that he protected her. “I told you, she was a victim in one of my cases once. You’re clever enough to conclude the rest. I also told you, we only grew closer, after I moved to LA. That’s all you need to know for now, so please don’t ask any further.”

Lucia tilted her head slightly, watching her son for a moment, but to Catherine’s surprise, she then nodded and smiled.

“At least, you’re protecting her.” And the way she said it, made Catherine believe it meant a lot, when Rafael was protecting someone and this cognition meant more than the surface let on.

“I’m always going to protect her, mommy.”, Rafael promised and took her hand, lacing his fingers with hers, placing a tender kiss to it and this gesture made Lucia smile.

“Good. That’s the boy, I raised.” Then, she turned back to Catherine, who had bitten her bottom lip and felt lost, although she was hold tightly by Rafael. “I’m sorry, if I made you upset, Catherine. It wasn’t my intention.”

“You wanted to know, if I’m projecting something onto Rafael.”, Catherine stated quietly, slowly dissolving from Rafael and she did not look at either of them. She had to get through this on her own, without Rafael’s support. “I asked myself that many times, too. It was the reason, why I didn’t allow myself to acknowledge my feelings or tried to push him away several times. But I soon realized, I would hurt him more, if I didn’t accept this part of me and therefore denied me to be, who I truly am.”

Catherine’s blue eyes turned to Rafael’s, placing her hand tenderly onto his cheek. Rafael covered her hand in his, placing a soft kiss into her palm. Catherine smiled tenderly, but then she turned back to Lucia, her eyes shining brightly and determinedly, while she squeezed his hand tight.

“I love your son, Lucia, but not for being my saviour or being kind to me. I love him for being patient with me, for teaching me to express my wishes and feelings, to listen to me no matter, how trivial it was. I love him for showing me, what it means to be taken care of, that he helped me up, when I fell. I love him for teaching me, how to laugh again, to make me forget, what was done to me at least for a little while. He’s a wonderful man. The best I’ve ever known.”

“Cath…”, Rafael whispered touched, but Catherine shook her head, because this here, had to be settled between Lucia and her. Catherine had to convince this concerned mother, not Rafael.

“So, please believe me, when I say, I’d ever want to hurt him”, she whispered honestly. “I’d rather hurt myself.”

 _Silence_. Not so long ago, Catherine had not been able to endure this deafening silence or the piercing gaze with which Lucia looked at her, but this time, she was strong enough to withstand two of the scariest things for her, while she felt, how Rafael’s strength flowed into her. Lucia assessed the couple in front of her and judged whether they were healthy and good enough for her blessing.

All Catherine wanted to do was to lower her head and to hide in Rafael’s embrace, but she returned Lucia’s gaze, not backing down the slightest, because she wanted to be accepted as an independent person and not Rafael’s addition. Lucia narrowed her eyes a little more, but not out of scepticism, rather because she was deep in thoughts. Catherine wished she could guess what thoughts were going through Lucia's mind, but her poker face was as good as her son's.

After several moments, which appeared like long, painful minutes, Lucia’s lips turned up into a smile and she nodded, before turning away and stirred in a steaming pot. Immediately, Catherine slumped from relief.

“Hey…” Rafael wrapped his arm around her, pulling her closer to him, holding her to his heart, his nose buried into her hair and she loved it, when he hugged her like this. It was protective, intimate and so loving, it made her melt into him.

“I love you, mi amor.”, Rafael whispered into her hair, breathing in her scent. “You’re doing so well.”

“I haven’t done anything yet.”, she muttered quietly.

“You had no anxiety attack, yet, cariño. Don’t you dare to believe, I don’t notice, how nerve-wrecking you find this here and I’m so proud, how much stronger you’ve become.” He placed a brief, gentle kiss against her lips.

“No snogging under my roof.”, Lucia called out from the kitchen and broke the spell.

“Mum, I’m not a teenager anymore, sorry to disappoint you.”

“Then don’t behave like one.” With these words, Lucia Barba turned around to check on whatever she had in the oven. Instinctively, Catherine made a step to help her, but Rafael took her hand and held her back, shaking his head. She turned her head back to him and he smiled, whispering into her ear:

“See, we’re just an ordinary family. Mum still thinks I’m fourteen.”

“Have you been a madcap, my love?”

“Haven’t we all been, cariño?”, Rafael teased, nudging her playfully and then, placed a hot kiss next to her ear, whispering with an even deeper voice: “Is the imagination turning you on?”

“Rafa!”, she shrieked, her entire face becoming red like a tomato and she slapped his chest. Rafael caught her hand, letting her sense the deep rumble, which rolled through his chest and so that he was able to feel her delicious, little shiver. Ever since Catherine had found the courage to give him her complete trust, she had kept him busy, almost as if she had tried to made up for every missed year and every time violence had been done to her should have been replaced by the softest, most wonderful love making and Rafael loved it. His beautiful burgeon had finally blossomed and she was revived, awaken. The dead fire in her eyes had lit up again.

Rafael rubbed the back of her hand tenderly, which rested over his heart, her touch making it sped up. He loved this woman dearly and he had no doubt, his mother would see it, because she was just as clever as Catherine. Actually, they had a lot in common and they would soon realize it.

Big, blue eyes starred up at him and he had to concentrate not to get lost in them and Rafael found, slowly blue was becoming his favourite colour. To be more precise: Catherine’s blue.

“I love you, Cath.” He leaned his forehead against hers.

“I love you, too, Rafa. So very much.”

Lucia watched them over the bar, which separated the kitchen from the section of the living room, which served as the dining room. It had been long since she had seen her son this happy. Actually, the last time had been, when his father had died. Lucia had felt guilty at that time. What had she exposed her son to, when he was happy that his father had passed away- not out of compassion for him, because he had suffered so long, but because the tyrant was finally gone? It had made her son incredibly strong, but had isolated him from his feelings. It appeared like he was finally finding, what truly made him happy.

“Shall I postpone the first dish or can you keep the fingers off each other for a moment?” Immediately, the young, beautiful woman with the brown curls shrieked away from Rafael and it was a clue that she was not after his money or reputation. If she were, she would use every chance to beguile him, to show everybody else, how in love they were to convince them to believe her false game, but she obviously did not.

“Sh---shall I help you, Misses Barba?”

“Don’t you dare and relax. Seriously, do you have a stick up your arse?” Lucia quirked an eyebrow, resting her head on her folded hands, eyeing Catherine with the same smirk, Rafael normally had.

“Mum!”, Rafael exclaimed in surprise, but he was even more, when Catherine began to laugh whole-heartedly, holding her stomach as she laughed off all of her tension. He swirled back to her. “Cath?”

“She…. she…” Catherine huffed, trying to gain back the control over her body, but her laughing denied her to speak any coherent sentence. It took whole two minutes until her laughter finally died and Catherine straightened again, wiping the tears out of her face and having a bright smile on her lips. “She truly is your mother.”

“What?”, Mother and son said surprised in union and then shared a long, weird gaze with each other.

“You have the same humour and the same smirk.”, Catherine explained and smiled. “The Family ties are undeniable.”

“Did you believe I was adopted, darling?”, Rafael teased with a wide grin.

“Rather that you’re an alien, because you’re too good to be true, my love.”, she replied and gently patted his cheek. Rafael starred at her dead pun, while his mother snorted. Catherine turned to Lucia and smiled gratefully at her. “Thank you for bringing him up to be such a wonderful man.”

“I’m starting to see, what you like about her.”, Lucia stated and opened the fridge to get some wine out. “She’s a clever woman.”

“I told you that. Why didn’t you believe me?” Rafael smiled warmly, walking up to Catherine, gently wrapping his arms around his woman, placing a kiss to her cheek. Lucia looked at him softly, the scepticism gone from her eyes and Catherine felt, how the tight grip around her heart eased. Maybe, she could become part of this warm and friendly family. Was it wrong, she wished for it?

“Because I’m your mother. It’s my job not to believe you, Rafi.” There was a pong, when the cork finally gave free the bottle neck. “But I’m slowly starting to believe, you made a good choice. It seems I don’t need my motherly right of veto. You’re very lucky, Catherine.”

“I know, Misses Barba.” Catherine looked up at Rafael and smiled, resting her head against his shoulder. Rafael returned it with a smile just as tenderly as hers, his fingers gently stroking over her upper arm.

“Please, call me Lucia.”

“Gladly.”, Catherine replied surprised, almost breathlessly, her eyes blown wide, before she looked up to Rafael with a _can-you-believe-it?_ gaze. Rafael chuckled softly and placed a kiss into her hair and then rested his chin onto her head, looking at his mother, mouthing a silent _thank you_ , but Lucia only shook her head.

“So, we should really start to eat or it’s burned down to ashes soon. Catherine, could you lend me a helping hand?”

“Sure, Mis…” Her voice fell silent, when Lucia quirked her eyebrow and she took a deep breath, readjusting her thoughts: “Lucia.”

Content, Lucia nodded and turned away, putting the pot down the stove.

“See?”, Rafael whispered quietly into Catherine’s ear. “No need to be afraid. She’s not going to bite you.”

“I’m not so sure.”, Catherine replied with a chuckle and rested her head onto his collarbone, starring lovingly into her eyes. “And why do I have to say that about every Barba, hmmm?”

She chuckled, but her eyes still looked insecurely at Rafael, overwhelmed by everything that happened. Rafael smiled encouragingly at her and gently pushed her towards the kitchen.

“Off you go. You better don’t let her wait. I’ll set up the table.”

~*~

Half an hour later, they sat around the little table, surrounded by several wooden cupboards. The cutlery clanged of the plates, when they ate something, which was supposed to be a soup, but turned out more to be a stew and still it was one of the best things Catherine had eaten in a very long time, because she tasted the effort in every bite.

The atmosphere was relaxed, just like with every other family dinner, but also weird. It felt like walking around on eggshells, because they avoided every potentially dangerous or painful subject. They talked about Rafael’s or Catherine’s work, about her study and her plans for the future, what was cut off quickly, because well, they had never talked about future plans. They had not spoken, if they wanted to marry or have children. The only thing they knew was, that they wanted to have a future, but they had to find their present first, before they could determine their future.

After Lucia had decided that Catherine was not only using Rafael to achieve a goal, she was very friendly, but Catherine was not sure, if it was honest. Sometimes, Lucia still had this strange expression in her eyes, when Rafael took her hand or stroked through her hair, which she could not assess, but Rafael stayed calm and relaxed, although he noticed the gazes as well and therefore, she tried to, too. Instead, she held onto him or the wine glass. One of the both. It was a fragile peace hanging in the air, but it went better than Catherine had expected, so she took, what she could get. It was something she had learned early in her life and it was part of the reason, why Rafael’s love often overwhelmed her, because it was much more than she had ever expected to get. It was not even the question, if she deserved it, because life was never fair. That knew everyone on this table.

Still, it was not unpleasant. Just like her son, Lucia wore a hard masquerade to hide her gentle, warm heart. The pain they had lived through in this place, which should have been their home, had forced them to. They had both grown stronger over their tragedy and Catherine wanted to follow their example.

Three hours later, the dinner was slowly coming to an end. Catherine was busy in the kitchen, because she had insisted on doing the dishes after Lucia had put all the effort in making the food. Rafael stood behind the big window in the living room, holding his glass of scotch in his hand, starring at the façade of the neighbour house, which shone coldly from the light of the stars. He turned his head to his mother, who walked up to him and rested her head against his arm.

“She’s a good woman, Rafi.”, she said quietly, too quiet for Catherine to hear it.

“I know.” Rafael exhaled softly and smiled, wrapping his arm around her. “That’s why I’ve fallen in love with her. All she cares for is me.”

“Because you’re the only thing she has left. You don’t have to tell me what happened to her for me to know that.” Lucia’s voice was heavy and she closed her eyes, while Rafael placed a kiss into her hair.

“Yes, I’m all she has, but I’m also not enough to be, what she deserved.”, he announced with a deep breath and turned his head to watch how desperately Catherine tried to find her place in this construct and world. “She’s the kindest and warmest person, I’ve ever met, mommy. She’s the kind of person I became a prosecutor for. She fights and struggles so hard, every day and every moment to become the person she believes, I deserve. She wants to become better for me. All she wants is for me to be happy and for that she even faced, what she feared the most.”

“What, me?” Lucia gasped and looked up at him, but Rafael shook his head, his hand stroking over her arm and he leaned his head against hers.

“No, mommy, not you as a person, but the situation.” He sighed deeply and leaned his head back against her, closing his eyes. “Catherine is haunted by insecurities. She believes she isn’t worth anything.”

“That’s a big burden, you’ve loaded onto yourself, Rafi.”

“Yes, it is.” Rafael dissolved from her and turned towards her, gently cupping his mother’s face and placing a tender kiss onto her forehead. “But it is all worth it. _She_ is all worth it, mami.”

Lucia stayed silent, holding him tight, her head rested against his chest.

“I know you, mum, you came to the same conclusion.” Lucia chuckled and nodded, lifting her head up and cupped his cheek, caressing it.

“That’s true, but I wanted to hear it from you. So, one last question, Rafi. Does she make you happy?”

Rafael smiled fondly, but then his eyes returned to Catherine, who had stopped cleaning the plates and watched them with a pained and insecure expression in her eyes, her lips pressed into a thin line. He could almost hear, how loudly her heart was pounding inside her chest and his expression softened, then he returned his gaze to his mother, who smiled just as softly and showed, she already knew the answer. Rafael placed a kiss onto her forehead and whispered:

“Yes, mama. She does.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the next big step is done :) Catherine is acknowledged by Lucia. I just hoped, I do this wonderful woman justice. It was not that easy, because I had so less to work with, but I tried my best. What did you think of it?


	34. The moonlight's reflection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Under the light of the moon, Catherine discovers herself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that I'm late, but this chapter was a real challenge. Have fun with it :)

The light of the moon shone clear, but warmly through the big windows, colouring the bedroom of Rafael’s New York flat in an innocent white. Catherine had been here before, five years ago, but it felt like another life time. She had been another Catherine back then: broken, scared and desperate, her inner self caught in a dark storm of emotions. A Catherine, who shied away from every sign of compassion and sympathy and overwhelmed by any kind of warmth and security. Her ancient song of pain still echoed from the high walls, but it was nothing more than a whisper anymore, which resonates with the melody deep inside of her. Catherine stopped rubbing the lotion into her arms and closed her eyes, listening to the inaudible, low notes, which had been her life once. She truly was another woman, now. A woman, who dared to dream and plan for the future again. Something, she had not hoped for in the time, when she had first walked through the front door.

Maybe this was the reason, why it felt like being here for the first time again. She still faintly remembered, how she carefully peaked out of her hiding, risking to feel safe and protected, to open up and be vulnerable and to experience sympathy, compassion and warmth, to be hold, to be strengthened. It felt like starting a sequel to your heart’s book after a long time: trusted, familiar and yet new, not being able to remember any detail anymore, but the emotions, the sentiments were still inside of you, but you got to rediscover, why you had loved it. Unbelievable how much could change over such a short time.

When Catherine looked at herself in the mirror on the doors of the wardrobe, she only saw the fine lines on her face, which contained the story of her nightmare, but the eyes, which looked back at her, were not those of the broken girl anymore. In the shadow of the moonlight, her eyes were gleaming in the brightest of blue, appearing deep, strong and alluring and for the first time, Catherine felt enthralled, pulled in by them. Slowly, she stood up and walked to the mirror, placing her hand onto the cold glass and the woman returned the caress. She looked astonishing and Catherine blushed, when she caught herself at this thought, but she was also curious to get to know the woman, she had become, free from the distortion, which had clouded her eyes for so long.

The first thing she saw was her smooth, silky hair shining in the silvery moonlight. Carefully, Catherine took a strand and experienced it, trying to stay objective, to ignore the buts, which her demons whispered from somewhere deep inside of her, the last corner they had been able to hide in. It felt soft to the tight mesh of nerves inside her fingertips. Next were her eyes, deep and mysterious like the ocean or the sky. Eyes were the mirror of her soul, the vernacular said and if this was true, she had a deep one and Catherine almost got lost herself in them, watching how the different facets of blue played inside of them.

Her thumb brushed over her pearly lips and the woman did the same, but her intention seemed to be a different one. While Catherine was filled by curiosity, her movement looked sensual and Catherine found it hard to believe this picture was her. Was this the way Rafael saw, when he looked at her and suddenly, it did not appear completely impossible anymore that he had fallen in love with her. Her skin shone like porcelain under the ethereal light and even her scars appeared like they belonged there as if they were strokes of a brush, conscious imperfections. Slowly, her hand moved down from her lips and throat to the bulge between her breast. The distortion of flesh was hard and stiff compared to the softness of her unharmed skin. Well, at least her breasts were still firm. Had they caught their interest? Was that the reason, why they had never directly cut them? It appeared like Rafael liked them after all. He always caressed her tenderly, but especially, when he touched her there and his soft fingers always felt incredible. So different to her rapist’s touch although they had barely touched them. Mostly, they had jerked their penises between them, her scar causing a wonderful extra friction, they had said. Their fingers had felt like acid and Rafael’s like velvet. Catherine started to wonder, if her own would feel different. Of course, she touched her breasts, but it was rather clinical and limited to body care such as lotion them up or fastening her bra. Slowly, her fingers wandered to her areolas, gently brushing her thumb of her nipple, which began to stiffen under her caress, a warm feeling began to spread through her and the nerve ends tingled.

In the previous chapters of her life, she would have been ashamed just to think about touching herself like this. It would have felt wrong to her to look at her, to feel and experience herself, but now, it was not shame, which ran through her nerve system. It felt powerful and intriguing as she watched, how her pupils dilated the tiniest bit, to feel the bud stiffening, reacting to the stimulation. Her eyes fell close and a soft moan escaped her lips. It was a little less pleasant compared to Rafael’s touch, but definitely better than theirs. Catherine heard, how her breath hitched for a moment and listened to the up-speeding rhythm of her heart, but then she opened her eyes again, because she wanted to _see_. To see, how her cheeks flushed, how her tongue darted out and licked her lips, her teeth slightly scraping over her bottom lips and how her body shivered, but she was not sure, what she hoped to find _in_ it. Was it a liberation act? Was it that she was finally master of her own lust? Did this woman’s exploration mean that she was slowly discovering the naturalness of sexuality?

Then she noticed the movement of a shadow in the corner of her eyes and she peered to the direction. Rafael had come out of the bathroom and leaned against the door frame, his gaze burning hot on her skin, following the trail of her hands and it increased the feeling of powerfulness inside of her. Slowly, she let her hand slid down her curves and suddenly, she was able to see her womanhood, to recognize the appeal of her hour-glass shape. Her fingers stroked over her stomach and she was able to feel her rips, the mountains slightly disturbing the feeling. Yes, she could definitely need a bit more flesh here. Not much, but a little.

Catherine changed the perspective, watching her profile in the mirror, bending a knee, running her hand curiously over her hip, feeling her pubic hair slightly scarping under her fingertips and then there was the rustling of fabric from Rafael’s spot. She turned back to the front, but this time, she looked directly at him in the mirror and locked her gaze with his. When Rafael noticed that she was looking at him, he smiled and pushed himself off the frame, slowly walking up to her.

“What do you see, when you look at yourself in the mirror?”, he asked whisperingly with a low voice as he wrapped his arms around her waist, pressing a soft kiss to her shoulder. Catherine closed her eyes and sighed happily, the last bit of tension from the dinner with Lucia fading out of her body. She loved it, when he kissed her there. For her, it felt like it was a symbol of their love. It was lovingly and yet intimate, it always caused her heart to speed up and to make her relax at the same time.

“Another woman than five years ago.”, she answered calmly and she rested her hand in his hair, stroking through his strands, while he placed another kiss onto her shoulder, before resting his chin on it. His green eyes looked gently at her blue ones in the mirror. The glass should have felt like a border between them, because it was just a reflection of him, but Catherine felt closer to him. Perhaps, because she was able to see the reality in it and not a pictured distorted by her abused perception.

“And what kind of woman is she?”

“I’m not so sure yet.”, Catherine admitted and looked at them. It was interesting, how Rafael and she were the present and the reflection the past, because the light first caught their picture and then transported this moment into the smooth surface, which mirrored it. The time difference was minimal, but it existed. The one between the past Catherine and present one was not big in a life time of a human, but severe for the differences between the two pictures. If she would look at a photograph of her back then, this Catherine would appear foreign to her, but the one in front of her felt familiar, fitting to her and yet was unknown. Catherine was still in the transmission between the picture of the past and the one in the future, still being caught in the moonlight’s photons.

“Then maybe, you should get to know her.”, he whispered and placed a soft kiss to the crook of her neck. Catherine frowned in confusion, wondering, what he could possible mean with that suggestion. But she trusted him and therefore took his hand. Rafael slid off her and pulled her up, moving her to the edge of the bed, resting himself behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. Catherine now faced the mirror and this alien woman again, mirroring the position, which had started this game.

 “And how?”, she asked confused, looking at herself and then to him, his head resting on her shoulder. Instead of answering, Rafael took her hand and placed it on her breast and then, it dawned to her and she flushed in embarrassment.

“You…you want me to touch myself?”, she asked in disbelief and she almost shrieked, when Rafael nodded.

“And _watch_ it.” He kissed her pulse tenderly again, causing her body to shiver in pleasure, but Catherine was too embarrassed to really recognise it, but she did not want to let him down and therefore, she collected all her courage and looked at her reflection. Her eyes were still slightly dilated, her areolas engorged and her nipples stiff. The woman in the mirror was aroused and the sight did the same to her. As long as Catherine saw her as different person, it was actually enthralling, but masturbation was her last, biggest taboo and it was hard to break. It had been forged into her that it was shameful to please herself. That it was a sin and therefore forbidden.

“I…I can’t do that.”, she stammered shyly and she ducked her head.

“Yes, you can, mi amor. No need to be afraid.”, he whispered soothingly against her neck, his warm breath stroking her. “I’m with you. I’m going to hold you.”

He placed his other hand on her hip, holding her tightly to himself. Catherine could feel his erection pressing into her back, her exploration definitely had an effect on him, but he did not show it. His voice was calm and steady, his hands reassuring and anchoring. Catherine blinked and turned her head to him. Rafael rose his head and starred trustingly and encouragingly into hers. He believed she could do this, but Catherine was not sure. It was a lot, he asked of her. Like he had said, she had grown a lot over a short time- mostly thanks to him-, but she was a little exhausted, overwhelmed by growing accustomed to being loved, to having sex and to be worth something and she felt like he was asking for too much by wanting to work on this so early. On the other hand, Rafael had never asked something of her, she had not been capable of, showing he had a much finer intuition about what she was able to do than she.

“Look at yourself.”, he ordered her with a soft, loving voice, placing a soft kiss to her neck, before resting his chin back onto her shoulder. “Look, how beautiful you are.”

His finger’s grazed over her collarbone.

“Do you see, how beautifully your skin is shining in the moonlight?”, he asked as his reflection’s eyes darkened, wandering up and down her body and Catherine shuddered. “Like the most precious porcelain.”

Suddenly, Catherine could see, what he described. Her skin, which she had always seen as too pale, looked as beautiful as innocent snow, which fell from the sky outside the window.

“Yes.”, she agreed breathlessly and Rafael smiled contently.

“Run your hand through your hair.” And she did, her fingers gliding smoothly through her curls. “I love your hair. It’s beautiful, how it cascades like a waterfall down to your shoulder blades, your blonde streaks looking like they had captured the sun.”

Normally, Catherine would have died from embarrassment from all those compliments by now, but somehow, in this magical atmosphere, they became true to her.

“It’s silky, smooth...”, Catherine noticed in amazement as if she had never felt it before. “…and shiny.”

“Indeed.”, Rafael agreed and placed a tender kiss to the crown of her hair. “Now, look at your eyes.”

Catherine dissolved her gaze from her hair and turned back to the mirror. Intense, deep blue irises embraced a powerful, deep darkness. They were deep, confident and calm, an expression, she had always admired and envied Rafael for and now, she suddenly saw it within herself. Catherine reached out and placed her hand on the cold, revealing glass, directly next to her eyes, which lured her, trying to pull her into the world behind the oceans.

“What do you see?” Rafael kissed her temple.

“Aquamarines.” And her eyes appeared to light up at this endearment. “They’re enthralling.”

“Very.” His lips grazed over the skin next to her eyes and Catherine sighed, closing them for a moment, enjoying the soft feeling of his touch running warmly through her.

“Now, those lips.” Rafael cupped her chin, the thumb of his right hand brushing over her bottom lip and she smiled, placing a tender kiss to its tip. A soft sigh escaped him and he rested his head against hers, closing his eyes. “They’re plump and soft, kind and warm. Their kisses are the most beautiful thing in this world. No, they contain a world and the most beautiful soul, I’ve ever met. They saved me, clearing my soul and lightening up the world.”

Catherine blinked and turned her head to him, a single tear of endearment rolling out of her eyes. Tenderly, she cupped the back of his head and kissed him slow, relishing and Rafael returned it in kind.

“And now, to your heart.” Catherine closed her eyes and focused on her heartbeat, but what she felt most, was the warmth and tenderness of Rafael’s hand covering hers. “It had endured so much. Many had tried to break it and yet, it is still beating strongly and steadily. It’s a gentle, kind and warm heart, which longs to help everyone in need, willing to suffer in order to spare others from the pain. For me, it’s your most beautiful aspect.”

“Rafa…”, she whispered breathlessly, starring speechless at him. Was this, how she looked like? Was this the truth? Her real self? Catherine turned her head to the mirror and the mirror looked graciously back, a warm, tender expression in her eyes. The woman truly looked beautiful in her kindness, like a loving mother, who would welcome every lost, unfortunate soul and it made her appear strong. Catherine swallowed, overwhelmed by the picture of herself, which was brought to her piece by piece.

Rafael, on the other hand, frowned slightly, likely recognizing something, but he decided to talk about it another time. Instead, he moved their joined hands down, over the swell of her breasts and Catherine shivered slightly, the touch of their fingertips causing little sparks to dance over her sensible skin.

“Look at yourself, at your beautiful, perfect breasts. Not too big, not too small, just the right amount to cup.”, his voice dropped lower and Rafael’s arousal was only shown in its depth. Both of them felt, how her heartbeat increased and her breath became flatter.

Catherine shuddered as Rafael moved their hands even further, making them both cup her left breast, rubbing her palm over it, the friction causing her nipple to harden further.

“How does it feel underneath your fingertips?”, he asked, resting his chin back onto her shoulder, his eyes hanging on her, watching every movement of her closely.

“Soft.”, she whispered and slowly, her arousal ignited again and her fingers began to move on their own.

“Indeed.” Rafael purred and his right hand twitched on her hip, almost grazing over her sensible spot. How much she longed for it, but she knew, he would not. Even if he was elapsed in lust, he would not show it in order to help her and she loved him for it.

Catherine looked at her reflection, saw how she determinedly palmed her breast, how her cheek flushed and a strong shiver ran through her. She moaned, her pupils dilating and threw her head back.

“No, mi amor, watch.”, Rafael whispered with a silky voice, his nose gently nudging her and Catherine struggled to open her eyes. “Watch, how your pupils blow wide from lust, how you lick your lips, how you flush. Watch, how your chest is rising and falling, listen to your fast heart and the blood rushing through your veins. Enjoy, the warmth spreading through your body from where you touch you.”

“God, your voice is so sexy.”, Catherine whispered lowly, leaning her head against his. It brought Rafael out of concept and he coughed, showing that he was not as untouched by the game as he showed and Catherine captured his lips for a soft, yet deep kiss. Rafael moaned and his erection twitched behind her, his breath becoming a little shakier, but he controlled himself like so many other times before, wanting her to start learning to love herself.

“Thank you.” His voice was rough, the calmness shattering for a moment and he cleared his throat to steady it. Catherine smirked, a content smile twitching around her lips, loving how she was able to pull off his stride, making his calm demeanour crumble. For a moment, Rafael fought with himself, his fingers twitching on her skin. He took a deep, deliberate breath and his nose was filled with her scent, which was not exactly helpful. Catherine nuzzled him, placing a kiss to his ear and Rafael groaned in frustration, burying his nose in the crook of her neck. He needed a few moments to gain back his control, but then he lifted his head, he was as calm as before and she was truly amazed by how much self-control he had.

Catherine tore her gaze away from him, forcing herself back to stare into the looking glass and to fulfil his wish. Her hands had stopped moving, only holding her breast, which prickled slightly and felt heavier than usual. Slowly, almost cautiously, she began to caress them again, weighing and measuring them, the scientist within her showing. Her breath came faster, heat beginning to pool behind her navel. It was difficult to keep her eyes open, to watch, how her second hand rose, too, cupping her other breast, pinching playfully into her nipple, until it stiffened and send tiny sparks through her nerves down to her clitoris. Lust rose within her, warming her stomach.

“God, you’re so beautiful.”, Rafael whispered with a husky voice, stroking her hair out of her neck, peppering sweet, encouraging kisses into her nape, sometimes nipping tenderly on it and Catherine trembled under his touch. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath, but her hands had started to move on their own, groping her breasts more confidently. Catherine moaned and panted, shifting her weight backwards to be held by him, because she began to grow weak in the knees. Rafael wrapped his right arm tighter around her, anchoring her as her lust reared up like a storm flood in front of her. “Can you see it?”

“I…I don’t know.”, she whispered breathy, her nerves showing a little, every cruelty done to her screaming at her that she was not, but the words were unheard, because when she silenced them and just _looked_ at her, she saw, what Rafael meant. Her eyes were blown wide, dark, hungry and hazed, her lips pulled up into a confident, seductive smirk, her tongue darting out, licking over her lips and her pale skin had flushed from warmth. The woman in the mirror looked so much different to how Catherine saw herself. She was more beautiful, confident, strong charming and seductive than her and Catherine felt the reflection was the personification of the woman she dreamed to be.

“She’s beautiful.”, Catherine whispered in amazement and reached out, hoping she could become one with the person, if she touched her.

“That’s you, Cath. That’s, how you truly look like.”, Rafael whispered. “She is you.”

His laced his fingers with hers and gently pulling it back down. He kissed it tenderly like a knight, his lips feeling soft and soothing against the heat of her skin.

“Is she?”, Catherine asked and her voice trembled only slightly.

“Hmmmhmm…” Rafael hummed from deep down his chest, the vibration transferring into her and Catherine shuddered as his deep rumble ran down her spine, pooling in her core. He led her hand deeper down, her fingers grazing against her pubic hair. Her hips trembled at the touch they had longed for such a long time, but her nerves were not as convinced as her body.

“Rafa…I don’t know, if I…”

“Shh…” A gentle kiss on her lips silenced her. “Yes, you can.”

His voice was smooth and encouraging as he placed another tender kiss against her ear. When Catherine swallowed in nervousness, he rubbed her hand soothingly.

“It’s nothing to be nervous about, mi amor.”, Rafael continued, stroking her damp brown hair out of her nape, placing little, nipping kisses on the sensible skin. Catherine’s eyes fluttered close and a soft, happy sigh escaped her. “And especially nothing to be ashamed of. You enjoy it…”

His voice dropped an octave, his breath hot and alluring against her ear:

“…and so, do I.”

“I can tell.” Catherine chuckled, quirking an eyebrow, her confidence returning with her wits as she languorously, yet deliberately rubbed her butt into his erection. Rafael gasped in surprise and then moaned low, his fingers twitching on her side, wandering just a bit closer to her waistband.

“Like that?”, she fluted innocently, her eyes gleaming with mischief. “Shall I do some more?”

And so, she did and her man moaned again, biting down on her shoulder, causing a delicious, sweet pain rushing through her veins, the little, harmful action not scaring her anymore.

“You little minx.” He laughed hoarsely, taking a deep breath and Catherine smirked contently about her being able to destroy his cool demeanour a little. She longed to turn around and wrap her hands around him, stroking him until he was hot and hard and begging- she loved it, when he begged-, but Catherine knew, Rafael would not let go of his plan that easily and although a lot of their love-makings were a playful fight for dominance, and both of them enjoyed it every minute, Rafael usually won. He was more experienced and had a talent for being dominant after all. And if she truly was honest, and left the ideals of courtesy of an old generation, the imagination of bringing herself to completion, while these dark, hooded eyes watched her, was _very_ tempting and arousing indeed.

Clenching her tongue into the corner of her mouth, she stepped out of her underpants, kicking them carelessly into a corner. For a moment, she examined her completely naked body. It was not easy to watch herself objectively, to ignore the pictures firing up in her mind, when she looked at a scar, but as she succeeded, she could find a certain appeal to her form.

Catherine arched her pelvic forwards, opening her folds with a shivering hand, revealing _all_ of her for them to see. Her clit was already engorged, pulsing impatiently above her labia, sending constant tingles of pleasure through her nerves. Catherine had never really looked at herself down there, especially not that thoroughly, and it still made her nervous, even more so, because she knew, Rafael was watching her. Shyly, she searched for his gaze, hoping to find encouragement in his eyes.

“It’s okay, cariño.”, he whispered reassuringly, placing a sweet kiss to the crook of her neck. “No need to be embarrassed.”

He rubbed soothing circles over her stomach and her muscles twitched as even this little touch sent electric tingles through her nerves.

“It’s a natural part of you, nothing to be ashamed of.” Rafael kissed the corner of her mouth, lingering for a moment, until his tenderness seeped into her, the touch of lips tucking a smile out of her and his encouragement returned her confidence. Catherine nodded against his face, kissing him briefly and then courageously dove her fingers into her core.

Moving on their own accord, Catherine’s fingers immediately went for the little raspberry nestling between her folds, longing to soothe the fire, which burned in her veins. She gasped and moaned as she rubbed slow circles on the tip, her eyes falling shut.

“Yes, mi amor.”, Rafael rasped, his words burning on her skin, feeling like an extra stimulation. “Exactly like this. How does it feel?”

“Good…” The word melted into a deep, low moan, when her pointer rubbed the underside of her clitoris. “God, I love it, when you do this with your tongue.”

“So do I.” Rafael laughed deeply, his grip on her twitching and he nuzzled his nose into the crook of her neck.

“Tell me, Rafael.” She chuckled breathlessly, her moans making his name roll from her lips and she starred at him from the corners of her eyes. “For whom exactly is that show? You or me?”

Gently, teasingly, she nipped on his ear and he shivered behind her.

“Why not for the both of us?”, he whispered. “You know that I’m a friend of efficient solutions.”

“Hmmhmm…if you say so.” She only grinned at him, an eyebrow quirked, mischief sparking in her eyes, but with the hot pulsing in her core, she could not care any less. All that mattered was to find some release. Catherine rubbed her clit faster, but it was not enough. Frustrated, she inserted a finger into her channel, relentlessly stretching it and caressing her walls. The double assault on her were finally enough to sooth her. Catherine threw her head back, moaning happily, a blissful smile spreading over her lips and her legs began to tremble. Rafael held her close to him, his hand stroking up and down her side. Oh, how much she wished it were his hands on her. His hands felt so much better than hers and she needed it.

“Please, Rafa, please.”, she begged and whined, her hand pumping herself faster. “Touch me. I want you. I _need_ you.”

Rafael tumbled for a moment, inhaling sharply and he bit down on her shoulder, sending a sweet, pleasuring pain down her spine and prickling into her clit. Apologetically, he licked over the little bruise, he had caused.

“No. I won’t, but I can do something else.” Painfully slow, he licked his way up her neck to her ear, placing sweet, little kisses behind it, which were so contrary to her own, merciless caress. “Hook your fingers of your right hand and rub on your wall just above your entrance.”

Curiously, Catherine obliged, bending her fingers and running them over the roof of her channel. Suddenly, a sharp flash of pleasure ripped through her, a low, breathless moan erupting from her mouth up to the ceiling and her body shook. Licking her lips, she grinned predatory, a feeling of power rushing through her. It was so very satisfying she could create such an immense plesure. In this moment, Catherine was lost in this game. Rafael whispered with a low, husky voice into her ear, how she should stimulate herself, conducting her as she did her body. Soon, Catherine was shaking from lust and slowly, her orgasm began to build inside her stomach, its spasm running up her spine and Catherine could not wait. She trusted her pelvic up into the air, changing the angle to let her fingers slip deeper into her, to cause more friction, just anything to finally hunt it down.

“ _Not yet_.” Just, when she was about to trip over, Rafael grabbed her hands and tore them away from her core. Catherine whined in protest, her legs bucking at the sudden loss of tension and her eyes snapped open, glaring angrily at him, but Rafael smiled unimpressed. Instead, he cupped her chin and turned her face back to the mirror. “I want you to watch yourself, when you come. I want you to see, how beautiful you look, when you fall apart.”

“Are you kidding me?”, she huffed disbelievingly. He could not be serious. How was she supposed to accomplish that? It was hard enough to keep her eyes open with her body on fire and humming from lust. The air was hot and heavy around her, making it heard to breath and she could almost feel how natron and potassium caused a spike in her nerves, which carried this big, comprehensive feeling through her system. “I _can’t_.”

“Yes, you _can_ and you will, otherwise I will stop you every time you are about to orgasm.” His eyes looked sternly, determinedly into hers and Catherine knew, he would. She swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry, his dominance wrapping itself around her, holding her caught and there was no way, she could disobey. “Look at yourself. Look, what a beautiful mess you are. Look at your dishevelled curls, falling all over you, spreading into every direction. Look at this beautiful pink flush on your cheeks and breast, your blown wide eyes, your plump lips raw from your teeth scraping over it. Look, how your sweat is running down on you, listen to your blood rushing through your veins and feel how your body is humming from arousal.”

He took her breasts into his hand, painfully slowly rubbing her erected nipples. Catherine whimpered and resisted the urge to close her eyes. Her thighs began to tremble again and it took all of her focus to stand straight.

“God, Rafa…”, she rasped. “I’m gonna make you…”

A moan interrupted her.

“Pay for it.” Her breath was racing by now, her breasts rising and falling heavily, bordering at hyperventilating. The world around her crumbled, shattered and her perception was limited to her.

“I can’t wait, _cariño_.” God, she loved, how he rolled the endearment with the deep timbre in his voice. Catherine was pretty sure, he could make her come without touching her a single time, just by the sheer perfection of his voice.

“May I touch myself again, Rafa? Please!” Her voice broke, _please_ melting into a hiss, when he pinched the bud between his fingers.

“Will you watch yourself?”

“I’ll try…”, she promised and groaned, her head drunken and spinning from the heat, making her feel dizzy. In this state, she would do everything to finally be free of the pressure behind her navel.

“Not good enough, mi amor.” He nipped on her jaw.

“Rafa…that’s impossible.”

“You said the same about masturbating, while looking at yourself. Yet, as far as I could tell, you enjoyed it immensely.” Catherine had expected him to kiss her deeply, to devour her, to drive her crazy from lust until she broke, but instead, his thumb brushed softly over her bottom lip and he kissed the corner of her mouth lovingly, the gesture being so much more shattering than any stimulation could possibly be. “You’re capable of so much more than you believe, mi amor.”

His soft lips kissed over her skin, while his fingers did not stop caressing her softly. It was not much and it was definitely not enough. It only prevented her to come down from the edge. He kept her hoovering about the inevitable downfall.

“Will you watch yourself?”, he asked again, softer this time and it felt so soothing that she broke and Rafael had accomplished, what he had wanted. He had penetrated to her deepest core. The picture the mirror showed was Catherine, shredded down to her true self, every layer of the façade destroyed. A tear ran down her cheek, a silent whimper leaving her and she nodded.

“Oh, darling.” Rafael huffed softly and gently, kissing the tear away. “No need to cry. This here is you and you’re incredibly beautiful. All I want for you is to see your beauty underneath all those protection layers of you. You don’t need them, because you are so much more beautiful than any mask. I couldn’t have been any luckier.”

Tenderly, he turned her head to her and gave her a kiss, which lasted for ever and really shook her to the core, leaving her weeping, because she cannot believe, how beautiful she was. Immediately, he dismissed his game and wrapped her in his arms, gently rocking her, when all the overwhelm broke free.

“It’s alright, Cath.”, Rafael whispered comfortingly and kissed her hair tenderly. “I’ve got you. No need to be afraid.”

Catherine sniffed and clenched herself into his shirt, which still hang loosely around his shoulders, her reaction being much stronger than he had expected, but it showed, how many insecurities were still haunting her. She had shown her true self too less recently, she was not able to recognize herself anymore.

“I’m sorry, mi amor. I asked for too much.” Protectively, Rafael tucked her under his chin, holding her as closely to his heart as possible, hoping its calm, steady rhythm would soothe her.

“No, you didn’t.”, she then whispered to his surprise and rested her chin on his collarbone. Soft, warm eyes starred up to him and she brushed her thumbs over his jaw. “I…I just couldn’t believe that this beautiful person, who looked at me from the mirror, is me. It was too overwhelming to look, because I wasn’t sure, if I could fill up this person. If the reflection was overpowering me. Does...does that make any sense to you?”

Rafael smiled softly and nodded, kissing her.

“Yes, mi amor. It does.” He stroked over her cheek and Catherine smiled, snuggling into his warm, comforting palm, closing her eyes. “How do you feel?”

Catherine frowned, blinking deep in thoughts, tilting her head, her current state hard to be put in words.

“Free…”, she then said, but furrowed her brows as if the word did not sound right. “I mean, I watched myself masturbating. I’m standing here completely naked and it doesn’t bother me. You bit me…”

“Wait, I did?”, he interrupted her, widening his eyes.

“You don’t remember?”

“No…” And that irritated him immensely. Catherine quirked her eyebrow, asking if she was allowed to continue and Rafael coughed, clearing his throat. “Right, sorry.”

“So, you bit into my shoulder and it didn’t scare me.” A little, mischief smile played around her beautiful, peachy lips, her teeth scarping over it. “Actually, it felt…sweet.”

Rafael starred at her in wonder, but then barked a laughter, wrapping his arm loosely around her.

“Did it?” He rested his wonderful hand on her sternum. Catherine chuckled and nodded, covering his hand with hers, rubbing his fingers. “Catherine Amell, you surprise me.”

A bright, flattered smile was all the answer he needed.

“I love you, Catherine.”

“I love you more.”, she said in a teasing manner, but it was too deep for her not meaning it. “Thank you for giving me enough security so I can slowly learn to be confident.”

“My pleasure, cariño.”

“You’re to good to be true.” As a sign of her gratefulness, she placed a kiss above his heart. “I can’t tell you how happy I am to be with you.”

“Oh, Cath…”, he breathed softly and stroked through her hair, squeezing her tightly to him, never wanting to let her go, because only she was able to warm his heart in such a way. “I’m sorry, it ended that way. It was not, how I intended it to end and especially not an end you deserved.”

“Who said that was the end?” Suddenly, her eyes sparked up, ignited again and Rafael quirked an eyebrow, his hands dipping lower, gently rubbing her butt.

“It wasn’t?”

“Hmmhmmm…”, Catherine hummed from deep of her throat and she shook her head, her fingers scraping deliciously over his chest, slowly, confidently pushing him backwards, until his legs hit the edge of the bed. The deep, heavy mood of Catherine’s true self revelation cleared up and their trusted, beloved playfulness returned. She could never resist the little game and she trusted her man enough to play with the fire. This time, she was going to lead.

“Tell me, Rafael.” She made sure to roll his name the right way, which always made him shudder and his pupils dilate, his erection jumping back to life. “Why should I be the only one having some fun?”

His tongue darted out to wet his dry lips and suddenly, he felt nervous, his heart flapping. She placed her hand on his cheek in a gentle touch, but it burned against his heated skin. Immediately, he snuggled into her, desperate for her touch, he denied himself of, even if it was just as innocent as this one. Catherine smiled warmly at the tender expression on his face, showing how much, he was savouring to feel her.

“What ran through _your_ head as you watched me touch myself?” Her voice was seductive, smug, a little, playful smile on her lips. Her fingers grazed over his cheekbone and then went down to his bottom lip and Rafael smiled, kissing the tip tenderly, becoming inattentive for a moment, not noticing he was losing control of his game. Slowly, unsuspiciously, Catherine let her hand slip down over his neck, to his bare chest, gently brushing over his nipple. Rafael glared at her warningly. Catherine smiled charmingly and then placed an innocent, but promising kiss onto his neck. Rafael shivered, tilting his head to offer her more of his throat and Catherine happily accepted it, licking and kissing on his pulse. It was enough to distract Rafael from the movement of her hand, which continued its way down. His skin was hot under his finger tips and his muscles twitched as she stroked over his stomach, but Catherine’s destination laid further down. When she reached the waistband of his loose, blue pyjama trouser, tantalisingly stroking over his pelvic, his hips began to quiver as a desperate groan fell from his lips. “What did you feel as I played with my clit? Did you wish it was yours instead?”

Just like he had before, she now grabbed his hips, rubbing her thumb with just the right pressure above his hipbone and Rafael shuddered violently, his eyes falling close, his had dropping back as she kissed her way to his chest.

“Did the sight of me masturbating for you turned you on?”

“Yes.” He coughed, his eyes staring darkly into hers. He gripped her buttocks, pulling her closer and pressed the evidence against her. Catherine loved how open and confident he was about sex. Rafael was never shy, never ashamed and she admired him for it. Rafael had this incredible talent to made her feel loved and desired, especially in those times, when she could not give herself those feelings. Gently, she gave him push and he fell onto the bed, starring up to her. Confidently, Catherine straddled his hips and Rafael loved nothing more than having her on his lap, especially when she began to move her pelvic and he was able to feel her labia through his pants. She moaned quietly, enjoying, how his clothed shaft rubbed through her folds and over her clit. Rafael groaned, squeezing his eyes shut, his head falling to her collarbone, puffing hot air against her breast.

“God, Cath. That’s…” The words fell from his mind and he moaned long and low. “You’re...”

“My God, I did it. Rafael Barba is speechless. I have to mark it in my calendar.” Catherine laughed triumphally, but breathlessly, because the roughness of his pyjama pants was just the friction she needed against her aching clit. Rafael glared at her, but one deliberate circle of her hips made the expression crumble and he puffed a deep breath out of his nose.

His fingers on her buttocks twitched, slipping almost into her crack. Catherine leaned in to meet his lips for a deep, messy kiss, while she rocked her hips against him, drawing strangled, guttural moans from him.

“Do you want me to get you out of those trousers? To wrap my hand around your hard, weeping, beautiful penis, rubbing that one spot just beneath your glans, which you love you so much?” She let her hands wander down his chest, one moving between their bodies, palming his length and she could feel the first, new wet patch of precum.

“Cath...” Rafael’s cheek flushed and he moaned hoarsely, goose bumps spreading all over his body. “What’s gotten into you?”

“Well…you wanted me to become confident.” She laughed breathlessly, her eyes glistening. “You should be careful with what you wish for.”

“That’s…” His voice rumbled like thunder and he pulled her closer, his lips hoovering only a few, painful inches away from her lips, his warm breath dancing on her heated skin, sending a shiver down her spine. “…exactly, what I wished for. God, you’re sexy like this.”

“Hmmm….” Catherine hummed flattered, a cute, little blush spreading over her cheeks, so contrary to the deep red covering her breasts and Rafael amazed, how she had learned to accept compliments.

“Please, mi amor.”, he begged and it surprised him a little, how less it bothered him. His hands went to her shoulder blades, pulling her closer, pressing pleading, open mouthed kisses between her breast. “Free me, take me into your wonderful hand and release me. I can’t take this teasing any longer.”

“Yes, you can.”, she whispered grinningly into his hair, but her fast beating heart betrayed her. “But maybe, I don’t want to be awkward.”

“Please don’t be, cariño.” He took his breast into his mouth, gently sucking on it and Catherine groaned crookedly.

“God, I love your mouth and your tongue even more.” She moaned and held onto his head, her fingers burying themselves into his hair. “So hot, warm and wet. Is that, how being inside of me feels like?”

“No, you feel so much better.” Though, he sometimes wondered, how her mouth would feel around his length. Until now, she had avoided to give him a blow job, because every time she had been forced to give one, she had almost choked, because they had mercilessly abused her throat. It had been a traumatic experience and he respected that, although he loved getting one.

So, he kept himself occupied with sucking and licking on her breast, while she drove him crazy with her cheeky hand and the movement of her hips. Slowly, his mind became dizzy and clouded.

“You’ve such a talented tongue, love.”, Catherine whispered and she whimpered as he gently bit into her nipple and Rafael used his chance to sneak his own hand between them, disappearing into her wedge, his finger moving in slow, lazy circles over her clit.

“Tell me something, I don’t know.”, he chuckled and Catherine gently slapped his chest.

“And now, you ruined my compliment.” She glared at him, but used the time to finally stroke his shirt off, whose fabric felt like fire on his skin and he was so relieved, when it was off and then she said something, he would have never expected to hear from her:

“My beautiful Rafael.”

And her eyes shone brightly as if they contained the entire love of the world and her fingers stroked tenderly through his hair.

“You look amazing.” Tenderly, with the most endearing expression in her eyes, she stroked over his cheek, kissing him softly. “The moonlight flatters you.”

“Cath…”, he whispered in astonishment. _I love you_ had never lost its impact to them, but in this situation, those different words were much more powerful. They caught him off-guard, causing Rafael Barba to blush and therefore, Catherine achieved, what she had hoped for. She loved the crimson colour on his cheekbones. Rafael was the embodiment of self-confidence, but her compliments were even stronger and therefore revealed a sight, which only belonged to her. No one else ever saw this insecure side of his. Rafael felt safe enough with her to be weak and vulnerable, because he knew, he could trust her.

The next time they kiss, it was soft, not out the urge, need and desperation of their arousal, slowing things down, fitting to the gravity of Catherine’s compliment.

But then, suddenly, Catherine stood up and Rafael whimpered about the loss of weight.

“Get up!”, she demanded and held out her hand to him. Rafael frowned for a moment in confusion, but took the offered hand, standing up. Before he even realized it, her hands were on his waistband, eagerly, impatiently tucking them down and he had never experienced her like this. For a moment, he thought back to the times, she froze, when he had just kissed her shoulder or how shy she had been, when he had given her the first orgasm. This Catherine, who ran her hands down his legs and stared hungrily at his length had nothing to do with her anymore. She truly had grown, she had healed, leaving her past completely behind and this cognition made Rafael weak in the knees.

Without any signs of distress, she kneeled in front of him, looking tenderly up at him, before she placed a hot, wet kiss onto his hipbone and Rafael bucked, a low moan rolling from his throat.

“What you up to?”, he asked with a rasped, raw voice, although the way she licked her lips, he got an idea.

“We haven’t had sex in New York yet. I think, that calls for something new.”

“Cath…you don’t have to do this…” Still, he grabbed onto her hair, because he actually ached for it.

“I know.” She smiled. “And that's why I will do it.”

Gently, he sat him back down on the bed, spreading his legs. Her mouth hoovered only inches away from his aching, hot pulsing manhood, her breath feeling like wires on him.

“God, Cath, please.”, he groaned, because he could not take it anymore. He felt like he was about to burst from anticipation.

“Patience is a virtue, my love.”, she teased and although she sat in a devotedly, submissive position, she felt powerful, because Rafael was at her mercy.  

“Not tonight, cariño.” His fingers in her hair twitched. “Please, not tonight. It was so hard not to touch you.”

“Was it?”

“Yes, _dios_ , yes.” Finally, Catherine had pity with him and she took his tip into her mouth. From this moment on, Rafael knew, he was lost. Her mouth was pure, delicious perfection, hot, wet and tight and by God, she knew, how to use it. She relaxed her jaw muscles to be able to take him in, his length disappearing inch per inch into her mouth and she could truly swallow him deeply. It was sinful heaven on earth.

“Ca…”, he tried to moan her name, but it was disrupted by a groan, when she sucked with just the right strength and send his thoughts flying. Catherine took her time with him, examining every inch of his length to find out what he liked and what not, where he longed for her tongue, her teeth, how strong she had to suck, in which pace she had to swallow him and she definitely had a talent for it. Soon, Rafael was a moaning, quivering mess, his hips bucking and his hands clenching into the sheet. He could not sit straight anymore, Catherine robbing every strength out of him and he fell backwards, his eyes squeezed shut.

“God, Cath, slower…”, he whimpered as his hips t bucked. If she would continue this expertly, he would soon thrust into her throat, filling her mouth with his seed. “You…you’re destroying me.”

“I take it you like it?”

“That’s an understatement.” It took great effort to speak and he slowly lifted himself onto his shivering arms, looking down to her. His chest rose and fall quickly, sweat damping his hair and running down his forehead, dripping onto his lips. He was so close, his entire, brilliant plan from before had worked him up and under her skilful caress, he had not as much control as he wished. “You’re definitely going to be the death of me and the way you smile, you’re going to love it.”

“Well, there are worse way to die, don’t you think? And don’t you worry, you’re safe. I still need you.” Her hand pinned his hips down and she swallowed him again.

“Good…” He groaned. “…to know.”

“Not so eloquent anymore, aren’t you, darling?”, she teased him.

“This time…” Rafael bucked his hips, his fingers clenching into her hair, holding her firmly to him and once again, it did not unsettle her. She only smirked confidently around his cock and Rafael had never seen anything more delicious and sexier in this world. “…you’re going to pay.”

It should have sound like a not-so-serious threat, but his voice was too weak and thin for it to be believable.

“Can’t _wait._ ”, she rasped, her mouth full and her throat a little raw from her oral work, feeding him with his own words. “The night’s still young.”

“Oh God, Cath…” His knuckled turned white, so tightly he was clenching into the sheet as she stripped him down in so many meanings of the word. “You’re so sexy…”

She hummed pleased, the vibrations running through him, pleasantly tearing him apart. When she cupped his testicles, he knew, it was all up for him. There was no turning back anymore. The incredible double assault on his crotch left him breathless and his mind came to rest, his entire focus only resting on her lips, her tongue, her hand and he loved it.

After only a few minutes, he was squirming and bucking uncontrollably and he moaned her name like a carol. The only thing he could do was to control his hips, preventing to thrust into her throat. His balls tightened, his penis twitching and then, he erupted, though it felt more like an explosion and he saw his own stars dancing behind his eyelids.

Catherine swallowed all of him, having learned how to through brutality and on the one hand, it made him sad, because it showed him how much she had been abused, and on the other he was glad to finally give her a pleasant memory about it. Well, at least he hoped, it would be pleasant. His last time had been a while. Tenderly, affectionally, she licked him clean, making sure any traces of semen were gone, but Rafael did not notice it. He laid boneless on his, no _their_ , bed, his arms resting above his eyes and he panted as if he had run a marathon.

Catherine came up to him, her body snuggling into his, placing a sweet kiss to his lips, the corner of his mouth and his jaw. Rafael smiled, humming tiredly, but blissfully. Lazily, his arm wrapped itself around her wonderfully naked form and he placed a sluggish kiss to her forehead.

Lovingly, she licked the sweat from his face and he chuckled, endearing, how she cared for him. The smell of sex was heady and yet sweet in the air and he felt a little dizzy.

“Hmmm…I love you.”, he whispered with a wide smile of his lips and cracked one eye open. “But right now, I especially love your tongue.”

“Seems like we have that in common, too.”, she teased grinningly, her foot rubbing over his shin. Rafael chuckled and cupped her chin, pulling her in for a slow, lazy kiss, their tongues dancing a waltz together.

“You’re so playful, mi amor.”, he stated, stroking a strand behind her ear. “You never cease too amaze me.”

“Well, you wanted me to become my true self. This here is the true Catherine.” She rested her chin on his collarbone, her fingers drawing indefinable patterns on his chest. Rafael smiled softly and kissed her again, whispering against her lips:

“Hello, true Catherine. It’s such a pleasure to finally meet you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, what a chapter. :) I don't know what to think of it, so please let me know, what you think. Especially in this, I could need some advice, because I haven't done it often. I think, I need to practice smut so expect to get pure smut chapters every now and again. ;) I don't think you mind, don't you?
> 
> Next planned station: Christmas party at the precinct :) It's time to meet the squad again. ^-^


	35. Contemplative time in the precinct

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The SVU has invited for their Christmas party and every one follows. How is Cath going to handle meeting them all again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, if I got something wrong, but I haven't seen a single episode after Rafael left. I just could not, so I'm not really up to date anymore ^^'

The rooms of the SVU’s precinct were filled, the atmosphere lively, exuberant and happy, sometimes bordering at too loud for Catherine’s liking. Every one involved with the squad recently was present. Captain Cragan with Eileen, Munch, Warner and Wong. Even Nick had come from San Diego with Zara and Gil.

Rafael had introduced her as his girlfriend to everyone, what still made Catherine blush. Although they were a couple for almost nine months, it still felt strange to her to be introduced as it. Probably because of the endearment and proud in Rafael’s voice. The only ones surprised by the news were those, who had not been around at Catherine’s case, though Catherine suspected that Olivia had informed them beforehand so that they were not reacting too surprised and therefore unsettle her. Another indication for that was, that Catherine and Rafael had been the last to arrive, although they had been a bit too early, which gave her the impression, there had a pre-meeting to this celebration. Or maybe she was just paranoid. She was not entirely sure. They all had welcomed her friendly and warm-hearted, though, and Catherine found it weird and yet fascinating to get to know those, whom she had heard and read so much about. She had felt like knowing them, although she had never actually seen or spoke to them in person.

Nick for example was friendly and kind and nothing like she had expected him to be. He actually had high moral standards, Catherine noticed that about him right away, but that lead to two problems. The first was that he expected everyone to fulfil those standards and if they did not, it led to disapproval on his side. That was also the second problem, because even Nick himself was not able to live up to his own standards and that caused an inner conflict inside of him, which Catherine could feel in his energy as a dark cloud wrapping itself around her, squashing her. It made her feel itchy and anxious, increasing the urge of shifting her weight from one foot to the other or to scratch herself and even Rafael’s calmness could comfort her completely. She could also sense a great sadness and tiredness surrounding him. Life had not been kind to him. What she also noticed was that Rafael and Nick did not get along well. They respected each other, but they were too different to form a relation beyond professionalism. While Rafael was calm, Nick was vivacious and irascible and while talking to him, Catherine noticed once again, how much she needed this calmness. She liked Nick, but talking to him was exhausting her.

Cragan and Eileen were very pleasant to speak to, especially Eileen was a blast. Both were very kind and friendly, giving her a nice, fuzzy feeling. While Warner was the same, Catherine had a strange impression of Wong. He was nice, too, but she felt _observed_. Not judged. It felt more like professional curiosity, as if he was trying to figure out what it meant for her psyche that she had fallen in love with the prosecutor of her case and it gave Catherine the impression of being research object.

Peter Stone was the worst, of course. The poor man could have been the nicest on earth, Catherine would not have recognised it. As soon as she had seen the man, who had charged her Rafael, she felt a primal, raw aggressiveness rising inside of her, heat crushing into her guts and she needed all of her mental strength not to growl at him. How Rafael was able to stay calm and professional was beyond her. His hand was not even shaking within hers and there was no flicker in his aura. Rafael _was_ calm and she had no idea, how he was able to. Instead, he even squeezed her hand reassuringly to calm her down and he looked warmly at her. His strength still surprised and amazed her. In the end, she truly calmed down. If Rafael had no problem with Stone, then she should not cause more tension- also for the sake of Olivia and the squad, but she did not really listen to what Stone said, his voice melting into a white noise in her ears.

The most unexpected cognition of the evening was that she liked Munch a lot. He was clever, charming and very funny. His conspiracy theories were quite interesting to listen to, although Catherine took none of them seriously, but talking to John Munch truly was a pleasure.

Although she was welcomed kindly, Catherine felt uncomfortable in a room with so much sensory stimuli. Her ears tried to listen to several conversation at once, while quiet Christmas carols were playing in the background, her eyes wandering around to keep an overview about the situation and her nose was filled with various scents: heady from meat and soup or sweet from self-baked cookies and cake. Her brain had problems to assess all those impressions, while handling the task of fitting into this group, which knew each other inside out.

Therefore, she stayed close to Rafael, although she tried to give him the chance to talk to his friend on his own. She did not want to be a limpet, but he stayed voluntary with her and gave her little signs of reassurement such as touching her fingertips or stroking briefly over her arm. It was not obtrusive or uncomfortable for the others to watch, though they likely noticed them, but it meant a lot to Catherine and it eased her uneasiness.

Dominick _Sonny_ Carisi, however, had not changed at all in the past five years and that was somehow reassuring. His hair was just the same, his blue eyes still shining with curiosity and liveliness as before. He also wore the same kind of suits- a grey one today- on which Rafael liked to look upon, because they were not as fancy as his. Well, most people could not afford to spend two or three thousand dollar per set and even if they could, it did not mean they should. Catherine at least would not. It was a ridiculous amount of money for clothes, though she understood that wear expensive suits was necessary for his job.

“You look happy, Barba.” Carisi tilted his head in curiosity, while taking a sip of his drink.

“Why do you sound so surprised, _Detective_?”, Rafael asked, smiling arrogantly at him, though not really bothered, more amused, before he ate a diced cheese, which was on a pike with some grapes. He still did not know exactly, what it was about Carisi, that made him a little iffy. Although Rafael liked the detective and had appreciated his work, he truly got on his nerves and he felt like he had to swallow at least two headache pills after speaking to him- or to drink one glass of scotch.

Carisi blinked irritated, just now realizing, how his statement might have hit the wrong tone. He flinched and rose his hands apologetically, the scotch in his glass almost tossing over the brim and he cursed silently. He already had one or two, at least his slightly flushed cheeks showed it.

“Oh no, I didn’t mean it like that.”, he stammered too quickly to notice, how he was just about to make it worse. “It just, you never appeared like…”

“Like _what_?” Rafael quirked his eyebrow even more and now, Carisi realized it.

“Shit, listen, Barba, I just meant, you always appeared so stern and that it’s just unused to see you…”

“Carisi, if I were you, I would stop right now. You don’t wanna face, what you’re summoning.”, Catherine saved him and smiled warmly. Unlike Rafael, she always had liked the kind, warm hearted, but a bit too eager detective, who always spoke faster than his mind was able to think. Maybe because they were both pretty much alike, just Catherine knew, when to shut her mouth as long as she was not just about to have an anxiety attack. Then, she spoke too much and too fast in the hope her counterpart would react to anything she was saying.

Carisi rubbed the back of his neck nervously and quickly swallowed half of his glass.

“And Rafa, don’t be so mean.” Gently, Catherine elbowed his rip and Rafael sighed. She truly had to spoil all the fun with her kindness and compassion. “You know exactly, what he wants to say.”

“Then why isn’t he saying it?”

“I’m still here.”, Carisi grumbled, but he smiled around the brim of his glass, his eyes shining friendly.

“Don’t pout, Carisi, I just saved your arse.” Catherine winked at the detective and leaned against Rafael, who automatically wrapped his arm around her.

“What? You think I can’t handle Barba?”

“Certainly not.” Rafael smirked dangerously and took a sip of his drink. Carisi rose an eyebrow and Catherine sighed, rubbing the edge of her eyebrows as a slight headache began to form behind her temples.

“Geez, what about not being mean don’t you understand, love?” She glared at Rafael through the corner of her eyes, but her beloved only smiled smugly, obviously enjoying himself. To Catherine’s relief, however, Carisi chuckled, shaking his head.

“All I wanted to say is, I was quite surprised, when Lieu told me, Barba’s in a rela…”

“Lieu?”, Rafael interrupted him, raising both eyebrows. “You’re still calling Liv like that?”

“It’s shorter than Lieutenant.” The detective shrugged dismissively.

“And what’s she saying about it?”

“I assume she’d given up on that regard.”, Catherine mused, tilting her head from side to side.

“Probably.”

“Am I allowed to finish or are just going to make fun of me?” Slowly, Carisi became a little annoyed by their game and immediately, Catherine felt guilt rushing through her.

“At least he notices.”

“Rafa…”, she scolded him with a heavy, exhausted voice, rolling her eyes at him.

“Fine.”, Carisi scoffed. “If you don’t wanna hear me out, I could go to Amanda and Finn instead.”

“You’d think they would be any better?” Immediately, Catherine flinched, apologetically twisting her mouth, while Rafael huffed a laugh, smiling proudly. “Sorry.”

Surprised by Catherine’s unusual behaviour- well, to him- Carisi blinked, but then grinned brightly and shook his head dismissively.

“Don’t worry, Catherine, that’s nothing I can take.”

“Okay.” She smiled insecurely, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. Rafael sighed and looked at her, a little disappointed how quickly she was rowing back in her attempt to be liked by everyone, but that also caused his smugness to disappear. His face expression softened and he briefly ruffled through her hair, what always pulled her out of a situation. Catherine immediately blushed and tried to readjust her hair, grumbling disapprovingly. Rafael on the other hand only smiled softly at her, before turning back to the detective, who had watched the spectacle with interested gaze.

“Listen, Carisi…”, Rafael said conciliatory, a little smile pulling the corners of his mouth up, an expression Carisi had rarely seen on the prosecutor’s face. “We both are aware of the odd circumstances we got to know each other. It was the reason we had not admitted our feelings for each other.”

Catherine’s blush had faded by now and she turned her head to him, her entire face expressing the love she felt for him. Rafael returned the gaze in kind and Carisi felt a little left out, but he was also glad that two people had found each other. They were happy with each other, that was quite obvious.

“I’m not judging you.”, the detective assured quickly. “I was just surprise, when Olivia told us you’re together, but now, I can see why. You just seem to work.”

“Thanks.”, Catherine said gratefully and smiled at Rafael, who returned it in kind. “It was a long way until we reach that point.”

“No, it wasn’t.” Rafael shook his head and Catherine turned her head to him, looking at him in surprise. “We’ve always worked.”

“You think so?”, Catherine asked confused and frowned. “I thought, I was nothing, but mistrustful towards you.”

Once again, Rafael shook his head, smiling fondly at her. He stroked a strand behind her ear and then cupped her cheek, gently brushing his thumb over her cheekbone. Immediately, Catherine closed her eyes and snuggled into his warm, comforting palm, taking in his calmness.

“You trusted me right from the beginning.”, he whispered softly in a tone that Carisi never had heard and actually never expected from him. “And that scared you.”

Catherine widened her eyes in surprise as it felt like a puzzle piece falling into its place. It made sense. Of course, it did. Rafael truly understood her better than she herself. She huffed in resignation, a small, soft smile flickering around her lips.

“You’ve always spoken openly with me about your fears, concerns and doubts from the beginning and then valued the advices I gave you carefully.”, Rafael continued to explain. “You’ve also answered every question of me or at least tried to. You are the first brave enough to reveal all of yourself to me and that made me do the same. Through that open communication, we established a deep connection between us.”

“You’re right. Just like always.” A quiet chuckle escaped her and she placed a quick peck into his palm as to which Rafael’s face expression melted. Carisi had watched the little exchange with interest and curiosity, because Rafael was so much different to how he knew him. It was surprising yet nice to see him this gentle and tender. It suited him, just as much as his cool, sharp mind and quick mouth. It appeared Catherine brought out another side of him that completed the picture of him. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, Cath.”, he answered immediately to her confession, his eyes shining warmly. He kissed her briefly, but tenderly and Catherine blushed, because it suddenly felt like all eyes were on her.

“Okay, enough of that.”, the detective huffed, the red flush on his cheek had deepened. “All that fluff is a hard to endure without becoming jealous.”  

“For you, maybe.” Rafael chuckled, but dissolved from her.

“For me, too.”, Catherine replied, still shy and a little uneasy about it. It was easier for her in company of those she did not know, but to those she did, it felt like it might be looked upon. As if their actions were too intimate to be shown and other’s might feel disturbed.

“Very well.” The former prosecutor sighed, but smiled and left her be, although he could not suppress to place a little kiss against her temple. Still the atmosphere between them were kind of awkward by now. Everything had been said and none of them knew how to continue or finish the conversation. Catherine felt her anxiety increase as they looked at each other and an uncomfortable smile twitched around the corner of her mouth.

This time, Noah was her rescue. He entered the precinct office, followed by Jesse and Zara, with whom he had played hide and seek in the cells since Rafael and Catherine had arrived, all of them munching contently on a cookie. The moment Noah spotted Catherine his eyes lightened up.

“Cath!”, he called out and ran over to her. Smiling just as bright as he, Catherine turned to him and found herself in a tight, warm hug by the boy with the wild brown curls.

“Noah, by God, how much you’ve grown. It was only eight months since I last saw you.” Tenderly, she ruffled through his hair and he laughed brightly.

“I’m a youth. Of course, I’m growing.”, he replied, his blue eyes sparkling up at her. Catherine chuckled and nodded.

“Of course. How stupid of me.” Noah nodded contently, but then turned around to Rafael.

“Hello, uncle Rafa.”

“Hey, Noah.”, Rafael greeted him gently, also hugging him tightly and Noah returned the embracement eagerly, burying his head in his chest. “Did you arrest Gil?”

“Yep.”, Jesse said, who had just arrived, her beautiful blonde hair braided into an artistic ponytail. “He ate almost all of the cookies.”

“Then you were right to lock him up.” Carisi laughed and shook his head.

“How long was he sentenced?”, Rafael asked curiously, still having his arms wrapped around Noah, who had snuggled against him, enjoying of being close to his beloved uncle again and Catherine’s heart warmed at the sight. His face expression was warm, loving and kind as he held the young boy tight. It was not the first time Catherine asked herself, if Rafael wanted to have children. Maybe it was time, they have this conversation. They had figured out, how to make her present work, now, they had to figure out their future. Just as if he had sensed her gaze, Rafael rose his eyes, both of them communicating silently and the thoughts.

“One hour per cookie.”, Zara replied, bobbing back and forth on her feet.

“And how many did he ate?”, Catherine wanted to know curiously.

“Two.”, Jesse answered immediately with a bright, happy voice. “Now he’s sitting in the cell, looking at his smartphone.”

Catherine smirked. She was quite sure Gil had provoked it in order not to have to play with the quite younger children for a while, probably texting with his crush right now.

“A fair sentence.” Rafael nodded satisfied. “Well done, young advocates.”

All three children smiled proudly.

“Don’t pollute them, Barba.”, Carisi warned and the kids glared at him.

“Says the one, who studied law. Already forgotten that you’re a lawyer, too?”

“He got you, Sonny.” Noah grinned happily, turning in Rafael’s protective embrace, his eyes glistening up to Carisi.

“So, it seems. Just rub it in.” Carisi grumbled, although he was not annoyed, but rather playing along, swallowing the rest of his drink. The kids laughed about Carisi’s seemingly misery and Noah hugged Rafael tightly one last time, before letting him go, turning back to Catherine, taking her hand.

“Cath, are you going to play with us?”, he asked her, his big, blue eyes sparkling pleadingly up to her, gently tucking on her hand.

“Oh, yes, please!”, Zara and Jesse jumped in to support their friend, also taking her hand and trying to pull her with them. “Play with us, play with us!”

“Okay, okay. You won.” Acting as if she was fatally wounded, she sank to the floor and bowed in front of them. “I surrender.”

“Yippee. “, they cheered in pure happiness, what warmed Catherine’s heart. Rafael chuckled and shook his head about the scene, when the kids pulled Catherine back to her feet in an act of mercy and then bounced jittery up and down in front of her. She sighed and smiled.

“What do you wanna play?”

“Mario Kart!”, they all said simultaneously.

“Oh dear…”, Catherine gasped in pure horror, clasping her hands in front of her mouth. “The devil’s game.”

Carisi looked quizzically at Rafael, who only shrugged. He also had no idea, what they talked about, but he knew Catherine and her outbursts well enough not to bother.

“Caaaaaath…”, Noah groused and rolled his eyes, but his voice was chirpy underneath. “It’s just a car racing game.”

“So, it wants you to believe.”, she whispered conspiratorially and crouched down to them as if she was going to divulge a secret to them and the kids immediately stepped closer devoutly, pricking their ears. “It’s said, it had costed many friendships and it still asks for more.”

Rafael rolled his eyes at that, but smiled, shaking his head.

“Now, you’re just messing with us.”, Zara said, putting her hands onto her hips and glared at her.

“Maybe.”, Catherine hummed ominously, but grinned. “Or maybe not.”

The children harrumphed in a discontent choir, Noah quirking an eyebrow, which he definitely had learned from his mother, while the girls tilted their heads. Catherine chuckled amused and smiled at them.

“So, you’re not going to play with us?”, Jesse asked, her shoulders slumping and she looked at her with big puppy eyes, which would open every stony heart.

“Oh, I wouldn’t miss this for anything in the world.”, Catherine announced with a playful, challenging grin, burning with determination, but then she blinked, tilting her head in confusion. “By which number are they at the moment?”

For Rafael and Carisi it sounded as if they were speaking a foreign language, but Catherine and the children understood each other fluently, because Noah answered without hesitation:

“16.”

“Oh, wow, now, I’m feeling old. The last one I played was Mario Kart Double Dash on Game Cube.” Catherine sighed and ruffled through her beautiful curls.

“What’s a Game Cube?”, Jesse asked and blinked confused.

“Point proven.”, she mumbled, a little sullen and threw a gaze at Rafael from the corner of her eyes, who smirked, amused by her feeling old, too. Catherine glared at him, what only caused his grin to become wider and she sighed, turning back to the children: “Well, let’s play, if Olivia is fine with it. Noah are you going to ask her and set it all up? I gonna come then.”

“Alright. Leave it to me!” Noah saluted and then ran over to his mother, who was in a conversation with Cragan, Munch and Eileen, Jesse and Zara following him. Excitedly, he jumped up and down next to his mother, gesticulating widely. Olivia tore her attention from them and looked down to her son, who explained everything to her. For a moment, Olivia’s gaze wandered to Catherine, tilting her head in confusion.

“If that’s okay for you, Liv.”, Catherine said a little louder, so that the Lieutenant could hear her.

“Yeah…sure.” Olivia blinked a few times, as if she needed a moment to understand, what was going on. “You can use my office.”

“Wuhu, thanks, mommy.”, Noah exclaimed in pure joy and they disappeared in the office up to set up the console.

“Mario Kart?”, Carisi asked as Catherine turned back around to them and she shrugged.

“It’s basically, what Noah said. A car racing, or rather a kart racing game. With Mario, Luigi and so on. Very colourful.”, Catherine explained with a shrug and a dull voice, used to having to. She was aware that she was living in a very different world than them and that it appeared childish. She was used to be frowned at by all, when she had one of her outbursts. Only Rafael had always listened patiently, but she knew, he was only enduring it, because he loved her and she felt bad for talking about something, he did not care about. For a moment, she looked at him and Rafael smiled encouragingly at her, stepping forward, closer to her so that his calm could reach out to her, wrapping itself around her like a blanket to calm her thoughts, which began to spin faster and faster. Catherine smiled gratefully up to him, resting her head against his shoulder and Carisi smiled warmly, because even he could feel that their mutual love was honest. He truly had never seen Rafael Barba this happy.

“But what’s that about this _devil’s game_?”, he still had to ask and he frowned, tilted his head, putting his drinking glass away.

“She was just being sarcastic.”, Rafael explained and combed through her hair.

“Well, not entirely.”, Catherine chuckled and closed her eyes, enjoying as his filigree fingers ran expertly through her hair. “I swear, if they dare to hit me with a blue shell, when I’m just about to pas the finishing line, I can guarantee for nothing.”

“A blue shell?”, Rafael asked. “That sounds like a drug.”

“It’s rather a weapon.”, she explained and laughed at the perplex gaze of the two grown up man. “Hey, don’t give me that look.”

“A weapon?”, Carisi repeated, obviously irritated.

“You can use items in this game that gives you an advantage. The blue shell is actually just that: a blue shell. It hunts down the pole position and then explode, so that the first one loses time and almost always several ranks.”

“Cath!”, Noah called out for her, leaning out of the door. “Come on!”

“Sorry, boys, it appears like I have other obligations I need to attend to.” She smiled. “I must be going. Talk to you later.”

Catherine leaned in and placed a soft, gentle kiss to Rafael’s cheek, before she whispered to his ear.

“See you later.”

“Have fun, mi amor, and let the kids win every now and again.”

“Hey, I’m ambitious, true, but I’m not mean.” Catherine glared at him and laughed, gently rubbing her nose with his.

“Cath!”, three children called impatiently from the other side of the room and Catherine chuckled.

“Okay, I truly must be going or they gonna pick all the cute characters and I have to choose between Wario and Waluigi. Maybe Bowser, if I’m lucky. So, I must hurry. Bye!” Catherine waved cheerfully and left, being welcomed by happy, loud voices and the door of the Lieutenant’s office fell shut.

Olivia looked at the door for a moment, but then smiled softly and used the chance to go to Rafael.

“She truly has a way with children.”, Olivia said and Carisi understood, it was time to leave the two best friends alone. Silently, he left, heading to Amanda and Fin. Rafael smiled softly and looked at his closest friend.

“So, it seems…” And there was something in his voice, which none of them could assess, but it was soft and warm. “She loves Noah.”

“Of course, she does. Everyone loves Noah.” Olivia chuckled. “He loves her, too. Especially because he can talk about video games with her.”

“And that is fine for you?”, he asked, because he knew, what Olivia thought of video games.

“Sure.”, she answered immediately. “Actually, I’m glad, I don’t have to know about those things. Every time he wants to tell me something about it, he stops, smiles and says: You know, what, mommy, I ask Cath. You’re not interested in it anyway.”

“Is that cheeky or judicious?”, Rafael mused, grinning.

“Both.”, Olivia answered, resting her head against Rafael’s shoulder, tiredly closing her eyes. Rafael smiled and wrapped his arm around her. “It’s just so foreign to me.”

“And not to me?”, the former prosecutor chuckled.

“How do manage to pay attention? It utterly confuses me.”

“What can I say? I love her.”, he sighed overdramatically and laughed, rubbing over her arm tenderly. “And she is adorable like this.”

“Adorable?”, Olivia repeated disbelievingly, looking up to him, quirking an eyebrow. “Who are you and what have you done to Rafael Barba?”

“Liv…”, he scolded her light-heartedly, but laughed.

“You truly love her. I’ve never seen you this happy.”, she whispered, looking up to him.

“Yes, I do.” Rafael smiled softly and his gaze wandered to the room, he knew inside out, but he could not see Catherine. “And I am.”

“I’m glad, though, I have to admit, I was surprised, when you told me, but she’s good for you.”

“She was concerned, what you might think of her as my partner.”

“Really?”, Olivia asked astonished, but with a chuckle in her voice, tilting her head. “Am I that intimidating?”

“Yes, you are.”, Rafael confirmed without hesitation and she slapped him gently. “I don’t envy the first love interest Noah is going to bring home.”

“Hey, let’s hope that still takes some time.” Olivia laughed and smiled, cupping Rafael’s cheek.  “She’s good for you and as long as she makes you happy, she has nothing to fear. But if she hurts you, I’m going to give her hell. Same goes the other way around.”

“I keep it in mind, Liv.” Rafael laughed and briefly kissed her forehead. “But don’t worry, I don’t intent to hurt her.”

Olivia appeared to be content and rested herself back against his shoulder.

“I’m glad, you’re here, Rafa.”, she whispered suddenly after a few moments. “I miss you.”

“I miss you, too, Liv.” His voice became deep from sadness. Although Rafael was glad it turned out the way it did, leaving Olivia behind was something that truly pained him. She nodded and closed her eyes, the words soothing her a little, but he felt, how much it pained her that he was living so far away. Olivia understood, why Rafael had to leave, but it did change the fact she was missing him.

“I know it's inappropriate, but have you ever thought about coming back?” Rafael heard the longing in her voice and it weighed down his heart. He closed his eyes and leaned more towards her.

“A couple of times.”, he admitted and sighed. “New York is my home, Liv, nothing’s going to change that, but it couldn’t have gone on like this forever.”

“What do you mean?”

“I love you, Liv, and the squad, but I…” Rafael took a deep breath and sighed, shaking his head. “I don’t know, how to say it…”

“You don’t know, how to say something? You of all people?”, Olivia teased, but when she saw the thoughtful expression on Rafael’s face, the grin fell from her face. “Just say it, Rafa.”

“Please, don’t get me wrong…” Once again, he hesitated.

“Rafa?” Olivia frowned, stepping out of his embrace and looking at him concerned.

“During the years we’ve known each other, you all developed so much. Rollins and you, you became mothers, Finn became grandfather, Carisi finished studying law and I…” Rafael sighed once again and closed his eyes. “I felt stuck and left out.”

“Rafa…”, Olivia gasped in surprised and widened her eyes in shock. She had never expected him to feel that way. “I had no idea. You never said something.”

“I know.” His smile flickered a little like a candle light fighting against a strong breeze. “I don’t blame you. I kept it all for myself. I wasn’t even aware of it myself back then. I only learned through Cath, how to communicate it openly. If I wanted her to be honest and talk with me about her concerns, I had to do the same.”

“I’m so sorry…”

“No need to be.” Rafael smiled softly and shook his head. “It turned out for the better.”

Once again, his eyes wandered to the office, a loving expression brightening up his face. Olivia followed his gaze and smiled, nodding.

“Yes, so it seems.” For a few moments, the two friends stayed like this, caught in pleasant silence, but then, Olivia looked up at him, a bright, mischievous smile on her lips. “But I have to admit, I’m curious. What are your plans for the future?”

“Future?”, Rafael asked huffingly and quirked an eyebrow.  

“Well, it appears to be serious between you two and I wonder, what your plans are.”

“It’s serious, Liv, but we’ve just figured out our present. I think, it’s not the time for it, yet.” Rafael sighed.

“Do you want to have children?” She tilted her head curiously, eying him closely.

“I don’t know. I’ve never considered it.” Rafael shrugged indifferently.

“Yeah, I remember, how awkward and overwhelmed you were, when I asked of you to hold Noah once. You looked like you’d feared, he was going to explode any minute.” Olivia snickered and he glared at her.

“Well, how could I know he doesn’t? I had little experience with babies.”

“When they explode, they do it elsewhere, believe me.”, Olivia commented and laughed again.

“Yeah, on my best suit.”, Rafael grumbled, but the corners of his mouth twitched, though back then, he had not found it very funny.

“It was a love declaration, Rafa. You should feel honoured.” Mischievously, she smirked at him out of the corners of her eyes, but quickly, her face expression became serious again and so did Rafael. He sighed and his posture slumped.

“I don’t know, Liv. A few years ago, I would have said definitely not, but now, with Cath…” His voice trailed off, a soft, sad smile lingering on his lips. Olivia smiled understandingly and rubbed his arm. “But I think, Catherine is the crucial factor in this. She had just been able to figure herself out, to overcome most of her trauma and to feel free again. I don’t think it would be good to even consider changing the dynamic again.”

“I believe, she is thinking about it. You didn’t see, how she looked at you, when Noah snuggled into you.” Rafael looked at her surprised, frowning. He could not even imagine that Catherine would consider it, but Olivia had very fine senses for such things and if he truly was honest, he could see it for them. Someday. Though, if they wanted to, they had no time for someday. “Maybe you should talk about.”

“Hmm…”, Rafael hummed indecisive.  

“Rafa?”

“I’m not sure, if this is a good idea. If I bring the topic up, she could feel pressured and it might be a step back again. I should figure myself out beforehand.”

“It’s not easy, hmm?”

“No, it was a lot of work.” Rafael smiled. “But what I got in return is so much worthier and I’m proud of her.”

~*~

“Here you are.”, Rafael said two hours later, when he walked into the simple and austere ready room of the precinct. “I’ve been looking for you.”

Catherine sat on the lowest of the bunk bed, her head leaned against the metal post, her arms wrapped around it, breathing deliberately in and out. When she heard Rafael’s soft voice, she blinked her eyes open and a small, exhausted smile played around her lips.

“Hey…”, she whispered and dissolved from the pile, sitting up straight and stroking her hair out of her neck. “Sorry. I suddenly felt overstimulated. Everything was too loud, too busy, too full. I needed to get out of it for a moment.”

“It’s alright.”, he reassured her and knelt down in front of her, gently rubbing her knees. “Do you want to leave?”

Catherine smiled and leaned forward, tenderly cupping both of his cheeks, staring lovingly into his eyes, deeply moved, but she shook her head.

“No. I like it here and you’re happy to be here again.”

“Cath…” Rafael opened his mouth to protest, but then it fell shut and he sighed. He knew, he could not convince her. Instead he lifted himself up and rested his forehead against hers, closing his eyes. His hands still rested on her knees, rubbing them tenderly. “Is there something that I can do?”

“Can you sit with me for a while and lend me a bit of your calmness? I could need it.”

“Sure.” He smiled warmly and got up, sitting down next to her, hugging her to him. Catherine sighed in relief, the tension immediately fading from her and her posture relaxed. Gently, he kissed into her hair, rubbing over her arm. “You never have to ask for it.”

Catherine nodded, resting her head on his shoulder, wrapping her arms tightly around his hips, nestling herself onto his shoulders. Rafael smiled softly, his heart warming in this moment, feeling touched by how she trusted him. Once again, he kissed into her hair, enjoying the warm, sweet scent of vanilla.

“I think it was all a bit too much for me, Rafa.”, Catherine whispered, sighing.

“You truly have faced and grown a lot in this short time.”, he admitted with a soft voice, his eyes shining warmly and lovingly and he gently stroked through her hair. “I’m proud of you, mi amor.”

Catherine huffed, but smiled wider this time, snuggling deeper into him. That he was proud of her was still the biggest compliment to her and something, she truly wished for.

“Just today and then you’ve done it and you can rest.” Rafael kissed her temple, resting his head in her hair. Catherine startled, looking up in surprise.

“You don’t want to spend Christmas with your mother?”, she asked agape, her eyes blown wide.

“We can, if you truly feel up to it, but we don’t have to. Cath, I love you. You’re my family and I won’t do anything that exposes you to stress.” Tenderly, he kissed her hand, before resting her hand against his heart, feeling the soft, regular thud echoing from her hand. “If that's what you need, we'll spend the remaining days in New York for us. Or we can fly back to LA. Whatever you need, Cath.”

“You should not always have to look after me.”, she whispered ruefully and sadly.

“But you’re also looking after me. I know, you made this trip just for me and exposed yourself to so many triggers, because you know, that’s what I wished for. To be here with you, to show you the place I came from, hoping you can see my city through my eyes and you did and you found the piece of yourself, you had lost in these streets. I couldn’t be any happier as with you by my side, mi amor.”

“Rafael…” Her voice was thin in surprise, nothing more than a whisper, but most of all, she was astonished that she was still surprised at the love he gave her. She huffed and laughed, kissing his cheek and then rubbing her nose with his “Actually, I had wanted to ask you for quite a while, if you want to go on a real vacation with me, when I’m done with my master. Would you like to go to Cardiff with me? To see my origin?”

Rafael’s face immediately softened and he smiled happily, truly happy, and it brightened up her world. He leaned in and kissed her softly.

“I’d love to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, handling so many characters is never easy. I hope I was okay with it ^^'


	36. Dream of the future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas is over and the new year is quickly approaching. Rafael and Catherine use the calmness in between to come to rest and speak about their future.

It actually surprised Catherine by how quickly New York started to feel like home to her. Rafael was mostly the reason why, because he knew the city better than anyone else. He knew, where to go to make her gasp in astonishment, knowing every short cut and hack and Catherine loved to explore the city with him. Just like Catherine had showed him LA, he showed her his New York and suddenly, it did not feel scaring and overwhelming anymore. She could feel the life, the soul and the heartbeat of this fabulous city. Finally, she was a tourist, a visitor and she was able to open her heart to the adventures, the unpredictability of this metropole. It was like she was finally able to truly see the city of cities with a fresh, unburdened gaze, experiencing it, how she should have, when she had been 19 and while her mind and the canyons between the skyscrapers were filled with positive memories, the horrific ones paled until they were nothing more than a vague veil. With eyes of wonder, she walked through the streets and the Central Park, took the ship to Ellis’ and Coney Island.

Catherine loved Rafael’s flat even more. Over the years he had lived in here, it appeared his very essence had been absorbed into it and the penthouse exude the same energy as him. If felt like him: warm, comfy, kind and safe. Just like it had not taken long until Catherine and Rafael had found out, how to work, she did not need long to figure the flat out, because it contained his logic. She knew, where what was, how it worked and it provided her a feeling, what she had missed over so many years.

Normally over the past years, Christmas had been the time of the year Catherine had liked to ignore, because it left a deep ache inside of her, missing her family, and even her parents, dearly, but this year, it was the first time she had a family again. Rafael and her had decided to spend Christmas Eve with Lucia, or rather Christmas coffee, and to her own surprise, Catherine had not freaked out and had hurried through the streets to find a Christmas present for her. Instead, Catherine had offered to bake the cake so that Lucia had less work and Rafael’s mother had gratefully accepted. Apparently, Christmas stollen was completely unknown in the US- or at least to the Barbas. So, Catherine had asked of the concierge or Rafael’s apartment house- damn she had forgotten how awesome it was to have servants- to organise all the ingredients, what he managed without breaking a sweat, although it was the day before Christmas Eve. Stollen always needed at least a day to ripen, actually a week was better, but she did not have that much time anymore. While humming Christmas carols and dancing through the kitchen, Catherine had prepared the dough expertly with Rafael’s help, which was mainly to taste the dough and being smacked on the fingers with a whisk. The couple had had great fun, while baking, dipping each other’s nose with flour or dough, always teasing each other. Baking was something Catherine knew, and especially knew she was good at and therefore, she had enough room in her mind for playfulness. Soon, the warm, delicious scent of warm butter, raisins and cinnamon had filled the air in the flat and Rafael had to admit, it just smelled like Christmas. After the stollen had been out of the oven, it needed to rest in a tin, so that it stayed moist and Catherine had to guard it so that her sweet tooth would not swipe a piece, because Rafael was eager to find out, how this unknown pastry would taste like. Needless to say, both of them had loved it and Catherine had to write down the recipe for Lucia, which she gladly did.

Christmas’ Eve morning had belonged to decorate the tree and the flat, Catherine as well as Rafael turning out to be real perfectionist, when it came to the position of the decoration, one always standing a bit away, navigating the other, being frustrated, when they had not been able to get it right. It had been pure fun and their laughter and commands had filled the high room with their spirit.

The coffee had taken place in Lucia’s flat again and all the anxiety Catherine had only felt a few days before about Lucia had been gone. She had been accepted into this family, only then realising, how much she had missed the feeling of being home and having a family. Catherine often had to swallow heavily and supress her tears of happiness. Who would have thought that Catherine would gain her freedom back in New York after losing it here?

Today Christmas was officially over and they had decided to stay in, enjoying to be just for themselves. New York actually invited them to do so, because it had been covered in a thick blanket of snow overnight, which muted every sound around them. Catherine sat on the big couch, which almost filled the entire living room and opened to an amazing view over New York’s amazing skyline. Catherine was covered in a warm, fluffy blanket and on tablet next to her rested a hot chocolate and self-made cookies, which she dunked into her drink every now and again, while reading through the Witcher book series. Catherine loved the many adventurers of Geralt of Rivia with his mare Roach on screen as much as on written pages. It was a dark fantasy epos with cynic humour and an awesome main character.

“Is there still room for me?”, Rafael asked with a warm smile as he came back from the kitchen and Catherine still was not used to see him in joggers, but she liked it just as much as seeing him in one of his suits.

“Sure, there’s always room for you.”, she answered, sliding to side to make space for him, opening the blanket for him. Rafael smiled tenderly and slipped underneath it with her. Gently, he wrapped his arms around her and rested his head on her shoulder. Catherine smiled and kissed softly into his hair. He hummed contently and snuggled even more into her and Catherine’s heart warmed at this gesture. Rafael truly had changed over the time they had been together. Tenderly, she wrapped her arm around his shoulder and gently stroked through his hair. When they found a position comfortable for the both of them, Catherine resumed reading, while Rafael snoozed in her arms, enjoying the feeling of her evenly rising and falling chest underneath him and the calming drum of her heart. A comfortable silence rested itself above Rafael’s penthouse.

After she had finished the chapter, Catherine marked the position in the book and closed it. She had read the series a few times already and she was distracted by Rafael’s closeness anyway. Slowly, she turned around to him and smiled at the picture. His head rested on her shoulder, his eyes closed relaxed and his warm breath tickling on her skin. Gently, she threaded her fingers through his hair and Rafael’s mouth twitched up into a smile, but his eyes stayed closed. Catherine continued stroking him, while she rested her head on his, watching of the snow lazily fell to earth for a while.

Catherine gently cupped his cheek and tilted his head, which made Rafael blinking his eyes open, green blurring into brown by the haziness of sleep and a soft, but lazy smile on his lips. Catherine smiled tenderly and kissed him slowly and Rafael hummed from deep down in his chest, his eyes falling close again, his body melting into the kiss.

“Enjoying yourself?”, Catherine whispered softly against his lips, when they dissolved.

“How could I not?”, Rafael mumbled, his voice still thick from relaxation and the kiss. “This is perfect.”

“It truly is, isn’t it?” Catherine could not suppress the tender smile reaching for her, nor did she intent to. Instead she snuggled closer to Rafael’s warm, inviting body. “Was this how you expected this year to end?”

“Definitely not.” He laughed and tilted his head to look at her. “I’d never imagined to have fallen in love by the end of year, yet alone with you.”

“What? You couldn’t imagine to be in a relation with you. I’m shocked.” Catherine quirked an eyebrow and chuckled, which Rafael joined. Gently, he cupped her chin, tilting her head down to kiss her. She sighed and every anger, even the pretended one, disappeared under his skilful, tender lips and time stood still again. Nothing else mattered.

When they dissolved, both smiled blissfully and Catherine cupped his cheek. Rafael smiled tenderly and kissed into her palm.

“Rafa…”, she whispered and her voice soared as if his name was something sacred. “I want to thank you.”

“What for?”, he asked curiously, stroking a strand of hair behind her ear. Catherine smiled warmly. Rafael honestly did not know, what she wanted to thank him for and she loved him for it. All the things he did for her, they happened naturally without any intentions.

“I’ve never felt more comfortable and safer in my life than when I’m with you. Not even New York, meeting my mother in-law or your chosen family is scaring me anymore. You’re not just the best friend, but also the best boyfriend anyone could ask for.” Gently, she brushed her thumb over his cheekbone, her eyes shining like the clearest, brightest ocean. For a moment, Rafael’s mind became blank, his normally perfect sense for words failing him. There she sat, enlightened by the warm light of the Christmas tree and she smiled her most beautiful smile and Rafael could not do anything less than to smile with her. This expression on her face was almost serene and the best Christmas present he could ever ask for. When words still failed him, he spoke with the only thing he knew could express, what her words meant to him, how much he treasured and loved them. Rafael leaned in and kissed her, hoping she would be able to understand, how she filled his heart with love, how she was able to make him feel safe, protected, happy and _home_. Rafael had always looked for a place, for the furniture and clothes, which would make him feel like this, but he had found it in a person. When they dissolved, he gently took her legs and rested them in his lap, rubbing soothing, tender circles on her thigh.

“You like it here?” It was a dumb question and certainly not one worthy of her words, but he could not come up with something better and it made her chuckle.

“I do.” She nestled herself onto his shoulder, wrapping her arms around him until they could not be any closer- neither physically nor mentally. “I’ve never expected it, but I start to love New York and…”

For a moment, her voice trailed off, flying away like a snowflake in a breeze.

“And?”, Rafael asked curiously, tilting his head and he wrapped one arm around her, holding her close to his heart.

“I started to dream about my future. Our future…”, she whispered quietly and looked up at him. “Do you have any idea how much this means to me? How amazing this feels?”

Catherine cupped his cheek, tilting his head to her and kissed the corner of his mouth, which immediately tucked up into a soft, tender smile.

“You thought about our future?” Never before had _our_ felt this perfect. Rafael brushed through her hair, enjoying, how she immediately closed her eyes trustingly and purred.

“I did and I have a feeling you did, too.”

“Indeed.” His voice dropped lower, became warmer and he rubbed over her arm, sliding down to her hand, twining his fingers with hers and resting their hands above his heart.

“And how do you see it?”

“How we want it to.”

“That’s a very unspecific answer.” Catherine chuckled and nudged him. Rafael laughed as well and caught her lips for a slow, savouring kiss. He had loved her before, but like this, he could not love her more.

“Then do it better, cariño.” His hand trailed up her leg, gently rubbing over her thigh and she shivered slightly, but still smiled.

“When I was younger, I’ve never dreamed of my wedding or having children, because I never imagined someone would want to build up a life with me.”

“You’re still selling yourself too short.” Rafael smiled gently, no reproach or scold in his voice.

“Yeah, I know.”, Catherine replied and that surprised him. Not so long ago, she would have ducked her head and blushed, feeling embarrassed and ashamed, but not now. Now, she showed how much her confidence had grown, because she kept the eye contact and her smile did not flicker. “I’m still working on it.”

Rafael kissed her softly and Catherine sighed happily, cupping his cheek and pulling him closer.

“You’ve never dreamed of your wedding dress?”

“I’m not sure if you noticed, but I’m not the typical kind of girl.” Catherine smirked. More and more, she embraced, who she was, her strength and flaws. “I rather climbed up a tree or rode as fast as the wind.”

“That really suits you better.”, Rafael agreed with a chuckle in his voice and he rubbed her knee tenderly.

“Said so.” Her smirk became wider, smugger, but then she sighed and rested her head back against his shoulder. “What about you? Did you ever want to marry?”

His gaze wandered off into the distance, starring out of the huge window façade, behind which the amazing skyline of New York rested. He watched the snow falling peacefully down to his terrace, covering it in an ever-growing blanket of white. Absently, his hands rubbed over her leg and he rested his head on top of hers. Her fingers played tenderly with his above his heart, squeezing his fingertips. Rafael smiled and closed his eyes, enjoying the moment for a little.

“I’ve never cared much about it.”, he admitted slowly. “For me, it’s nothing more than a worthless piece of paper.”

“But?” Her soft question brushed over his collarbone and goose-bump rose on his arms.

“If I could ever imagine to marry someone, it would be you.” His voice fell with the end of the sentence and he bit his bottom lip.

“That still sounds like another _but_.” Catherine blinked and lifted her head off his shoulders, looking unwaveringly into his eyes and she brushed her thumb over his lip. Rafael sighed and smiled, placing a brief kiss to the tip.

“It has nothing to do with you.”, he assured quickly, maybe a little too quickly, and kissed into her hair. Catherine did not miss it and he added: “Well, not like you’re thinking.”

“What do you mean?” Slowly, she became confused and furrowed her forehead. Rafael sighed again, his throat suddenly becoming tight and he tried to swallow the lump. His hands on her arm and knee twitched, holding her closer to him as if he feared she would leave any minute. His hesitation irritated Catherine even more and she looked back up at him. “Rafa?”

“Marriage contains a responsibility.”, he whispered.

“I know.” Her frown deepened. “So?”

Rafael sighed again, squeezing his eyes shut, because he had to express something, he actually did not want to and he felt stupid for thinking this way.

“It means you’re responsible for me, when I…” The voice felt heavy in his mind and on his tongue, painting a picture of a future, she had not wanted to talk and he did not want to think about. “…need it.”

 _When I am old and not able to look after himself_ would have been the more suiting formulation, but he could not speak out these words. It felt like he was chaining her to him, now.

“Oh…”, Catherine breathed out and his heart clenched. Yes, she understood, now, and maybe she would even leave. “Hey, love, look at me.”

Her voice was a gentle and sweet as she cupped his cheek, brushing her fingers gently over his skin. Slowly, carefully, Rafael rose his eyes and looked up into her warm, soft eyes, which had this special gleam, which only belonged to him. As soon as he looked at her, Catherine kissed him softly and he could almost not endure it. Her love, her warmth felt too pure, too soft and tender to endure and in this night, he was stripped down to his core and it appeared, he was just as insecure as she had been at least in one belonging and before he even realized it, tears ran down his cheek.

“I just…” His voice broke and he bit into his bottom lip. “I don’t like the thought of becoming your new chain.”

“Rafi…”, she whispered concerned and wiped the tears out of his eyes, but only new ones followed. He closed his eyes, desperately trying to hide the evidence of his weakness. He did not like the feeling, which broke out of his depth by her sweetness and especially, he did not like her seeing him like this. “I don’t care, how old you are. I don’t care for your money, your reputation, your heritage, your skin colour or your clothes.”

“Then, there isn’t much left.”, he huffed.

“On the contrary. What matters remains: _you._ ” Catherine smiled gently and she rested her hand on his heart, which jumped under her touch. “I have fallen in love with your soul, Rafael. With the man, who saved me, reached out and cared for me. With whom everything feels so easy, with whom I feel safe enough to face my greatest fears. Who teach me, how to love myself. Who pulled me out of the dark. What are trivialities like age, looks and features compared to this? I love _you_.”

She kissed him hard, stormy, blowing the dark clouds of his thoughts away.

“I love you.”, she said again and this time kissed him gentler. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

Over and over, she repeated these three, powerful words and each one was punctuated by a kiss, which varied in intensity and the emotion just as all her emotions for him were different.

“I love _you_.”, was the last repetition, the softest of kisses and Rafael shattered. Tears streamed down his face and yet he laughed and it was so very confusing. Catherine smiled at him through the veil of his tears and gently stroked over his cheek. “No matter if you were a woman, Asian, younger than me or a stone. I would have always fallen for you. Okay, maybe not as a stone. It’s difficult to cuddle and communicate with a stone.”

Rafael snorted a laugh and he loved her for it. Catherine laughed with him and continued to stroke over his cheeks.

“So, my looks have nothing to do with it?” Catherine blinked for a moment, but then, she saw his smirk and she chuckled, ducking her head and rested her warm hands on his chest, gently stroking him.

“Oh, I love your looks. I love your dark, thick hair.” Catherine saved her mug, which was endangered to fall off the tablet and rested it on the coffee table, while resting herself on his lap and running her fingers through his strands and Rafael smiled, enjoying her touch. Her finger’s ran down the side of his face, stopping at the height of his eyes and brushed over the skin next to it. “I love your eyes, which switch between green and brown depending on the light. I love their clear, wake gaze, the intelligence shining through them. I love the gleam, which runs through them, when you have outsmarted someone.”

Rafael huffed again and quirked his eyebrow, while Catherine grinned.

“I love your lips.”, she whispered and kissed him softly. Rafael loved the sound their lips made, when they kissed, how they felt on his. “I love it, when they kiss me. When they speak those soft words, which always helped me out of every crisis I was in. I love, how they fought for me, for my freedom. I love, how they quirk up into this arrogant, self-confident smile.”

“Into what?” Rafael laughed and he wrapped his arms around her, the heaviness of his guilt disappearing from his shoulders. The way Catherine grinned wider indicated she noticed and she gently brushed over his lip. He kissed her finger and smiled, feeling grateful for what she was doing, although she knew that every word was honest.

“Don’t act like that. You know exactly, what I’m talking about.”

“I don’t have an arrogant smile.”

“Oh yes, love, you have.” Catherine grinned and kissed him again. “And I love it.”

Rafael smiled tenderly up at her and gently brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. Slowly, her hand ran over his chin, down his neck and back to the other on his chest.

“I love and enjoy, how dazzling you look in your exquisite suits, your elegant experience and your fancy suspenders and socks. I love all of this, but it only underlines and highlights you, but it does not define you. It just suits you, completes your picture.”

Rafael’s face expression softened and he loved her from the deepest corner of his soul.

“I had no idea, you noticed so many little details of me.”

“You are all I looked at for two years.”, she whispered with a meaningful voice and stroked his cheek. “All I cared for.”

His heart pounded loudly inside his chest and Rafael had the impression, Catherine could hear it. This moment felt so intimate, the air between them becoming electrified and it shivered from tension, the room between them too small to contain all of their emotions for each other or their intensity and under her gaze, he felt beautiful.

“Thank you, mi amor.”, he whispered, cupping her cheek and stroking it. Catherine smiled wonderfully and leaned into his touch, kissing his palm.

“It was fun to be on the other side for once.”, she teased and Rafael quirked an eyebrow, but then her gaze turned soft and she cupped his hand with hers. “Always, my love.”

Rafael smiled softly and nodded, brushing over her cheekbone and her eyes.

“How about you, Cath? Could you imagine to marry me?”, he asked and returned to the original topic. A slight shiver of uneasiness still spread through his stomach, but Catherine’s soft smile immediately soothed his concern.

“Yes, definitely. I’d love to.”, she confirmed without hesitation, gently rubbing his cheek. “But you’re right. It’s just a certificate. We don’t need a prove for our love. We know, who we are and how strong it is.”

“I’m glad you see it like this.”, Rafael whispered and smiled tenderly up at her. “We don’t need to rush things. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but we haven’t been together for long.”

“True.”, Catherine sighed, but still smiled. “But I think we both that we’re…”

Catherine frowned, clenching int the corner of her mouth, while she searched for the right word, a little bit of shyness running through her eyes and her cheek burning a little.

“Cath?” Rafael tilted his head.

“Endgame?”, Catherine whispered quietly, ashamed and Rafael could just suppress a laugh, which turned into a snort.

“I hope not. That would mean half the world’s population is dead and we have to fight Thanos.”, he chuckled.

“I had no better word.” She glared at him, feign punching him onto his chest, but it tucked a smile out of her. Gently, he cupped her chin and pulled her towards him, kissing her long and soft, putting all of him into it.

“Yes, cariño, we are.”, he declared in his warmest, kindest voice, because what else should he answer to that? When it felt this perfect and wonderful? When they just work as Carisi had said. Everything was effortless and yet intense with her. “We are endgame.”

In this moment, her face brightened up into a radiant smile and she wrapped her arms tightly around him. Rafael smiled and wrapped his arms around her, holding his mental heart to his physical one.

“I never want to let you go.” Rafael rested his head into her hair, breathing in the scent of vanilla.

“Good, because I never want to leave.”, she whispered and snuggled her head into the crook of his neck. “You’re my home.”

The words were simple and yet, they meant the world from her. She trusted him with everything she was and this confession ran like a warm shower to him. Every time he thought, he could not love her more, she said such things as if they were the easiest words.

“You’re my home, too.” He kissed into her hair and held her as close as he could without squashing her. “I love you, mi amor.”

“I love you, too, my love, with all my heart.” She placed a soft kiss to his shoulder, his neck, his cheek and finally his mouth. “And nothing else matters.”

“Yes, nothing else matters.” Rafael captured her lips and kissed her softly once again. He cupped her cheek, holding her enclosed and love spread through warm and fuzzy through his veins. The kiss lasted forever, but for them it only felt like a blink of an eye.

“Let us wait until you’ve finished your study and then we can still decide, how we want to shape our future, alright?”

“Hmmhmm.”, she agreed and nodded, resting herself back against him, welcoming his warmth like an old friend. “I just want you to know, I could definitely imagine to live in New York afterwards.”

“You could?”, he asked surprised and turned his head to her.

“Yes.”, she whispered quietly against his shoulder. “Every time I dreamed of our future, I saw us here, in New York. With your mum, Liv, Noah and the squad.”

“Really?”, he asked her surprised and Catherine nodded, her entire body posture showing certainty.

“They were all so nice and welcomed me friendly.” The right corner of her mouth flickered a little in her shame and guilt. “…and I feel guilty, because I had been afraid of them.”

“Cath, it’s alright for feeling this way.”

“Yeah, but it sounds a little obsessive to me.” Catherine scraped over her bottom lip. “Like I’m not able to endure anyone else being important to you, too. That can’t be healthy…”

“Hey, Cath.”, Rafael interrupted her softly. “You were in a precinct with a bunch of experienced detectives for sexual crimes. They have very fine senses, when something is odd or unhealthy in a relationship and I’m their friend. They would have said something. Especially Liv or Carisi and you heard their opinion. You and I, we are a healthy. We are good for each other. This conversation just proved it again.”

“Rafael.”, she whispered surprised and blinked.

“Have I ever told you, how much I love it, when you say my name?” She frowned, because of the sudden change of topic.

“Do I pronounce it strangely?”

“No.” Rafael shook his head and cupped both her cheeks. “Your voice is always soft and tender, when you say it. You make it sound beautiful.”

“Didn’t you like your name?”

“That’s not it. It felt rather foreign to me. I’ve been Barba, or Rafa in some cases. It had been a long time since someone called me Rafael.”

“Are you sad about it?”

“No.” He smiled and kissed her softly. “I only wanted to tell you how much I like it.”

“And distracting me.”

“Yes.” His smile became softer and he chuckled, when she glared at him again. At the beginning of their relation, it had shocked him, how easily she was able to see through all of his attempts and schemes, but over the time, he had learned to love honesty. Ever since they knew each other, Catherine and he had been nothing, but honest with each other and that feels liberating to experience. “But it’s still true.”

Catherine huffed, but smiled and this time, she kissed him tenderly. They simply could not stop. They had surpassed every obstacle in their way, no matter how high the mountains or how deep the vale of tears. They had come out of it stronger than before. In this moment, she could not imagine any circumstance, which could tear them apart.

“I love you, Catherine Amell.” The next soft kiss was longer, deeper as if Rafael tried to take everything of her in and she gladly participated, giving him all of her, sighing with every move of his lips against her, every soft nip of his teeth. For the both of them, it felt like the essences of their souls mingled together and slowly Rafael and Catherine stopped existing and they became one. One soul, one heart, one mind, just one.

Catherine placed her hand on his heart, anchoring herself so she was able to hoover above him, cupping both of his cheeks and she took him in, drinking all of him. The taste of the coffee, he just had, danced over her tongue, feeling heavy and heady. While she tasted sweet like vanilla, innocent, pure, warm and it combined with his perfectly.

When their tongues touched, a spark ignited and both of them sighed deeply. They lapped on each other as if they were dying from thirst for each other and their sighs and moans create a muffled, but soulful symphony. A shiver ran down through him as she expertly caressed him and even while all of his senses were focused on the kiss, he could not miss the warmth of pride rising inside of him about how confident she had become. How she carefully stripped down layer of layer of him without even touching him, how she took his breath away and left him headless, thoughtless, a feeling he had barely experienced in his life and what had scared him most of the times, but now, he gladly threw it away, because all that mattered was to feel her, her weight, her touch, her warmth, her breath.

Rafael sighed ruefully, when they had to pull away, a strand of salvia glistening between their lips. They breathed heavily, panting in the same rhythm and Rafael felt, how warm spread through him, where hand rested on his chest. Catherine opened her eyes, blown-wide and dark and the most beautiful sight. She commanded over herself. No demons, no chains anymore. Nothing. Just Catherine Amell and Rafael could not take his eyes off her.

She smiled at him, warm, kind and tender as if he was the sun, the stars and the moon. Her fingers brushed gently over his cheek, carefully, softly as if she could not believe, she was allowed to. Rafael smiled just as softly, leaning his head into her warm hand, which had comforted him just as often as his had. He turned his head and kissed into her soft, smooth palm.

The air flickered between them, became warm and thick as they simply stared into each other eyes, both of them deciding in which direction this should be heading. Her hands ran to the zipper of his sweat jacket, playing uncertainly with it.

Rafael loved her consideration, he always did.

“Cariño…”, he purred, his voice low and rolling, beckoning her and Catherine shuddered as if he had touched her and she grinned, almost predatory, pleased with drawing this sound from him. If this was not arousing, he did not know, what else. Catherine licked her lips to wet them and pushed a deep, shaky breath out of her nose, her eyes burning. Her hands reached for the cool zipper and slowly, tantalizing slid it down, smirking when his brown skin was revealed. He had only worn the jacket.

When she had freed him of his jacket, he starred hungrily at her and his hands ran up her shape, deliberately brushing his fingers over her already hardening nipple, eliciting a wonderful shiver and shaky intake from her. Rafael leaned forwards, kissing over her sternum, leaving a promise, while his hands gathered the hem of her shirt, slowly riding it up, brushing over her smooth skin. Catherine inhaled again and her pupils dilated even more, whiled her fingers scraped over his scalp, sending sharp, pleasant shock waves through him. His hands went to the clasp of her bra and he looked up at her, but there was no insecurity. Not anymore.

They met for a fiery kiss, deep, devouring, consuming, tongues dancing wild and hearts racing and the outside world disappeared. Rafael undid her bra, gently sliding it off her shoulder, his movement so contrary to the pure passion of their kiss.

When they were both breathless, they dissolved reluctantly, panting hotly into each other faces. Rafael nipped on her bottom lip, not able to lose the contact to her and Catherine moaned quietly.

“Your hands are so warm.”, Catherine whispered. “And soft.”

“Like it?”

“Very.”, she hummed. “I love, how they feel on my skin.”

“Then, you are very lucky.” Rafael wrapped his arms tighter around her, upping her closer until her pelvic hit his stomach and he could feel the heat radiating from it.

“Am I?”, she cooed and his fingers twitched on her back.

“Hmmhmm…”, he rumbled, pressing a hot kiss onto her heart, which fluttered under the touch. Gently, he gripped her hips and turned her around, resting her backwards on the couch. Irritated, Catherine looked up at him and Rafael smirked. He liked the picture resting before his eyes. Her warm, white skin standing out against his dark leather couch, her chest raising and falling heavily, her blown-wide eyes starring hungrily up at him. Tantalizingly, he ran his fingertips down her neck, over her collarbone, sternum, down between her breast to her bellybutton and she shivered under his touch, her body following his movement. Rafael smirked and brushed his finger to the inside belly, knowing how ticklish she was there. As expected, Catherine giggled, but her body began to writhe and he felt, how her muscles contracted under his touch. “You like this?”

“Yes…”, she moaned breathlessly and Rafael smiled, revelling in watching. He went for her trousers and Catherine eagerly lifted up her pelvic, wanting him to get rid off this annoying piece of cloth. Rafael rubbed circles over her pubic mound, driving her mad with impatience, his fingers so close where she wanted them to be, but he played with her, teased her and she loved it. She looked panting at him, her eyes begging at him and he was undone.

Rafael got a cushion and gently shoved it under her butt, resting her legs on his shoulder. Catherine inhaled sharply in anticipation, knowing exactly, what was about to come and she always loved it. Rafael kissed his way down her thigh, sometimes scarping his teeth over the sensible skin. Catherine moaned, her hands burying into his hair and a radiating, happy smile spreading from cheek to cheek on her face.

Her wetness glistened and when he reached her cunt, he was greeted by the warm, heady scent of her arousal. Rafael loved and was addicted to this scent and he allowed himself to take it in, to let it fill his nostrils, befuddling his senses. Catherine’s thigh quivered on his shoulders and she starred down to him. Rafael smiled warmly at her, his hands rubbing teasingly up and down her thigh. Fascinating how much an intention was varying the impression of the touch. Half an hour ago, the strokes had felt soothing and soft and now, it felt like fire burning on her skin.

“Do you need a cushion for your head?”, he asked innocently, his lips resting on her thigh only a breath away from her core. He played with her, teasing her with drawing out the moment, before he got to work and the glare in her eyes showed him, she knew. Rafael smirked, placing feathery kisses to her thigh and Catherine whimpered, biting into her lip. The air condensed between them, pulling them both closer to each other.

“No, I’m good.”, she answered a little pressed and although he had not done much, a slight layer of sweat was glistening on her skin and bright little sparks ran through her nerves from wherever he touched her and her fingers jerked a little in his hair, but nowhere to being unpleasant. Rafael chuckled softly and a little chidingly and he kissed hard against her thigh. “Rafa, please!”

There they go. That was what he had wanted to hear. Taking in another deep breath, he placed the next kiss to her core and Catherine moaned in delight, her head dropping back onto the armrest, her eyes falling shut. Rafael smiled against her core and licked long and slow through her slit and Catherine shivered, her muscles tensing under him and she let out a breathy moan. His smile became even more satisfied. Just as much Catherine loved to make him headless, he did, too.

Catherine closed her eyes and took in a deep breath. Rafael’s breath flew hotly against her core, tingling against her clitoris and the anticipation was almost killing her. His mouth always brought immense pleasure to her, he eating her out almost becoming her favourite way of doing it, but Rafael also loved to drew it out, until he gave it to her. It was a little game between them, which had developed. A play to figure out, who would submit first. Rafael never started before she asked for it.

The first lick was torturing slow and Catherine shuddered, a shaky moan leaving her throat. His tongue was talented, _very talented_ , and he knew her body inside out. His lips went to her clit, running the tip over the underside of it in just the way she loved it and she blossomed under the teasing flicks of his tongue. Her hands scraped over his scalp as every lick tore a piece of her apart, leaving her headless and at his mercy. Soon, her muscles spasmed, her nerves tingling and her mind reduced to her mere instincts. Heat spread through her entire body and she threw her head back, her back arching and writhing, trying to get away from his tongue and yet to pull it closer.

When Rafael sucked at her for the first time a strangled cry escaped her and her hand became white, almost painfully tearing at his hair, but Rafael could not mind, did not mind. It only made him suck faster and harder. Catherine’s breathing increased the same rhythm, his tongue herding her closer and closer to her release, a few tears dripping out of her eyes.

“Rafa…”, she whined, her muscles slowly starting to clench at nothing.

“I know.”, he whispered soothingly, almost being able to feel the shock waves of pleasure running through her. “I won’t leave you hanging on.”

That eased her a little. She could not endure it, if he would tease her, left her tumbling at the edge. Rafael mastered this game well, reducing her until she begged him to let her go. Rafael pulled her closer to his mouth and he lapped the fluids from her, going from her entrance, while he replaced his mouth on her clit with his fingers.

“God, Rafa…” Her voice cracked. “Rafa…”

His name was music to his ears, the sweetest song, the most wonderful way.

“Come for me, _mi amor_.” He made sure to rumble her endearment in the way he knew always went right through her and Catherine responded immediately, moaning husky and raw, her fingers twitching in his. Her scent became stronger, tickling in his nose and he moaned in delight. “Sing my name.”

That was it. Catherine could not take it anymore. His voice finished her. Her back arched off the sofa and the cushion and she sang his name as the orgasm tore through her, making her world explode into many bursting colours.

Rafael’s tongue slowed down, but licked through the waves of her height, extending her pleasure and licking her clean in the process. Catherine laughed breathlessly, when she came back to her senses.

“Wow…that was…quick…”

“But intense?” Rafael laughed as well, placing a last kiss to her thigh, gently resting her legs back down.

“Definitely.” She rested her arms above her eyes, little sparks still flashing behind her eyelids. “God, I love it, when you eat me out.”

“I know.”, he cooed and rubbed her knee. “I enjoy it, too, but I love even more, how openly you can speak about it.”

“Thanks to you.” Catherine removed the arms from her eyes and she smiled down at him, holding out her hand to him. “Come here, please. I need to feel your skin on mine.”

“I’d love to.” Rafael smiled and took her hand, kissing it and then rested himself down on her, gently brushing her sweated hair out of her face and Catherine sighed, loving to feel his trusted weight and warmth on her, covering her. Her eyes fell shut as the heavy tiredness of the aftermath came over her.  Normally, she felt even more alive after sex, but somehow, when Rafael ate her out, she was utterly spent and incredibly relaxed, almost immediately going to sleep.

“I love you, Catherine.”, whispered his warm voice through the thick haze of her exhaustion and she smiled softly, enjoying, how he stroked through her hair and he placed a soft, loving kiss to her lips.

“Love you, too…”, she mumbled as sleep drew her in and she sank into a blissful nothingness. She could not wait for the future to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, that chapter turned out way differently than I expected. Rafael and Cath really had developed their own heads :)
> 
> Two or three more chapters and then we are going for the next arch and that is going to be a huge test for them. =)
> 
> Lovely weekend to you all. Subaru :)


	37. The innocence of snow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's New Year's Eve and Catherine and Rafael spend it playfully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this chapter, Rafael and Catherine had been longer together according the number of pages than they had not. Therefore, I'd like to dedicate this chapter to ItalianDoll, who made me consider them being a couple and therefore is responsible for all this wonderful fluff =) I hope you like it :)

New Year’s Eve: a day at the crossroad of past and future. An old year slowly dying and being reborn as a new one: a new hope, a new chance. Last year at this time, Catherine had been on her personal crossroad between desperation and happiness. Never would she have expected the next year to become one of the happiest of her life. If someone had told her that she was in a happy relationship with Rafael next year and almost completely overcame her trauma, she would have laughed at him, but here she was, back in New York, which she slowly began to love, in Rafael’s luxurious apartment, in his bed, in his eyes, his family, his mind and his heart and it was her favourite place in the universe.

A soft smile played around her lips as she hummed and whisked through the dough, butter spluttering in the hot pan, melting and Catherine felt she had finally found the place, where she belonged and she felt energetic and alive with all of her chains shattered and fallen to the ground. She felt light and floating and if this was, what truly meant to be in love, then she was glad to have finally found it.

“Hmmmm...” Rafael took in the scent, which filled the flat as he came out of the bedroom, his hair damp from having a shower and ruffling through his hair with a towel. “Are you making pancakes?”

“Look, who’s finally awake.”, she teased and grinned, not turning her head to him, concentrated to pour the perfect amount of dough into the pan. “Good morning, sunshine.”

Rafael’s deep laugh rumbled through the room and she felt his well-known presence walking up to her, wrapping itself around her and fused with hers as he wrapped his arm around her hips, stroking tantalizing over her pelvic and she shivered, leaning back against him.

“What can I say? You’ve worn me out last night.”, he murmured darkly against her neck and kissed it. Catherine chuckled and closed her eyes, enjoying the warm brush of his lips against her skin.

“Are you complaining, my love?”, she asked, punctuating every word of the endearment with a peck on his lips. Rafael rumbled and he pulled her closer, snuggling his face into her crook and Catherine loved, how his breath felt on her skin.

“Never.”, he hummed. “Especially not, when I get pancakes as a reward.”

“And I thought you had been rewarded enough last night.” She grinned and kissed him briefly, but intensely.

“I’m greedy, mi amor, and a chancer. I take, what I can get.” His hands rubbed over her hipbone, sending a delicious shiver up her spine. “In this case you and your pancakes.”

Catherine laughed and Rafael tilted her head around, kissing her long and slow, both them savouring every moment. They had found their rhythm in every aspect of their life.

“Good morning, mi amor.”, Rafael whispered as they dissolved, gently brushing his nose against hers and Catherine smiled happily, letting out a soft sigh, a drop of water falling from his hair onto her nose.

“Good morning, love.”, she greeted him and nipped on his lips. Rafael closed his eyes, hugging her closer to him, swaying her from side to side to the quiet rhythm she was humming, while she finished frying the pancakes, both of them savouring the warm scent, which tickled in their noses. When all pancakes were crafted, Catherine turned out the stove. Rafael smiled and gently turned her around, moving her a little to the side, so she would not accidently grab onto the hot range and pinned her to the counter, filling out her entire vision and Catherine loved it. She loved it, when everything she saw, felt and smelled was him, when her entire being was filled by him. Catherine rested her hand on his chest, feeling his calm heart beat and she looked innocently up to him through her long lashes, but her smirk was the complete opposite. Rafael grinned as well, his hands rubbing over the small of her back. He tilted his head, his lips hovering just above hers and Catherine leaned towards him, closing her eyes, enjoying his warm breath tickling on her skin like a summer breeze. Rafael teased her, nudged her, until her smug grin disappeared and turned into a soft one, her hand wandering to the back of his head, holding him tightly to her.

Finally, Rafael tilted her head towards him, resting his lips onto hers and she sighed, her hands falling to his hips, holding him just as tightly as he held her, while they kissed each other slowly, deeply and consuming.

“Did you nosh on the dough?”, Rafael asked and quirked an eyebrow, his eyes sparking amused into hers. “You taste sweeter than usual.”

“I had to make sure that it’s perfect.”   

“Ah yes.” Rafael smirked and Catherine loved this expression on his face. She cupped his cheek and stroked it gently. The face expression on her man’s face warmed, turned soft and they kissed again, several kisses melting into a long one.

“Hmmm….” Catherine smiled, when they dissolved, keeping her eyes closed. “I love morning snogging.”

“Who doesn’t?” And with that, he snatched a pancake from the plate and left for the dining table.

“Wha…” Catherine blinked in confusion, looking to the plate and then back to him, starring disbelievingly at the remaining amount and then she laughed loudly. “Rafa! Did you just steal a pancake?”

“Nope.”, he said and deliberately took a bite from the pancake. “My flat, my pancakes.”

“Oh, suddenly it’s _your_ flat again?” Catherine quirked an eyebrow and glared playfully at him over the counter.

“Yes, if it gives me pancakes.”

“There’re three pancakes for each of us.”

“You mean five for me and one for you.”

“What?”, Catherine asked agape. “You wanna eat _five_ pancakes?”

“Yes.”, he answered unmoved and began reading the news on his iPad. “I need to refill my energy, if I wanna keep up with you.”

“Wanna change your confession to “complaining”?”, she asked and quirked an eyebrow.

“Never.” Rafael grinned smugly, but did not lift his eyes from the screen.

“Shall I do some more?” She wrapped her arms around him, gently rubbing over his upper arm.

“Only when you intend to eat more than one.” Rafael tilted his head back, resting it against her stomach and his eyes gleamed mischievously into hers.

“Okay, Rafa.” Catherine sighed dramatically. “I renounce my two pancakes for you. I hope you appreciate that.”

“Or you just make some more.”, he chuckled, his eyes glistening.

“Just honour my sacrifice, say thank you and kiss me.” She winked at him and Rafael laughed. He stood up and cradled her cheek.

“Thank you, mi amor, for offering your pancakes to me.”, he whispered and kissed her. “I will never forget this great sacrifice.”

“The things I do for you, my love.” Catherine chuckled and stroked over his chest.

“I’m aware of everything you do for me.” Rafael smiled and took her hand, rubbing gently over its back. The light atmosphere of the teasing disappeared and was replaced by the warmth of their love. Rafael leaned forward and kissed her gently. Catherine hummed pleased and closed her eyes, pressing herself closer to him. As they dissolve, Rafael starred softly into her eyes and Catherine had never seen warmer eyes than his and for a moment, she lost herself in them. “And I appreciate all of it. I love you.”

“And now, the joke is gone.” She chuckled, but smiled tenderly up at him, cupping both his cheeks. “I love you, too, Rafa.”

“Come, let us have breakfast.” Rafael smiled softly and kissed her wrist.

“Real breakfast or…” She wiggled her eyebrows.

“Real breakfast, Cath.” Rafael laughed and squeezed her hand.

“Spoil all the fun.”, she teased him and nudged his chin. “Okay, I gonna get the five remaining pancakes and join you. Coffee?”

“Yes, please.”

“Okay.” With these words, she dissolved reluctantly, letting her hand slide out of his as she went to the kitchen. She got the can of freshly brewed coffee. Catherine still was not very fond of this beverage, but she liked the scent. It was warm, heavy and comfortable, the smell of home. Luckily, she had already set up the table, so she did not have to balance the can, plate with the pancakes and the mugs.

She walked back into the dining room and although she felt comfortable in here, she was still amazed and blinded by the sheer luxury of this room. Everything was made out of the finest material. The tiles were out of pure, white marble. The table had two feet out of shining steel in its centre and the plate was out of dark glass, surrounded by white cushioned, wide chairs.

Rafael sat on his place at the head on the other side of the table, his eyes focused on the news on the display of his iPad, his manicured fingers drumming quietly on the glass.

“Something interesting?”, Catherine asked as she placed down the plates and the can in front of him. Rafael dissolved his eyes, a slight frown on his forehead, which immediately smoothed, when he looked at her.

“No, not really.” He sighed, locked the screen and pushed his chair back.

“You sound disappointed.”

“Nah!” He waved it off and then held out his hand, smiling at her. “Come here.”

“I thought we wanted to have breakfast.” Catherine quirked an eyebrow and smirked down to him.

“Yes, but I would like to feel you close. Just for a moment.”

“You’re such a romantic, my love.”, she sighed, but took his hand, which wrapped itself so tenderly around hers and he gently pulled her into his lap, hugging her close and resting his head into her hair, closing his eyes.

“I just want to enjoy the moment.”, he whispered and kissed her head. “In just three days, we’re in LA and back to work and University. We won’t have much time to enjoy the mornings together.”

“True.”, she admitted and sighed heavily, while snuggling deeper into his embrace. “We should make sure to have at least half an hour per day for us. Just us. No work, no study.”

“An excellent idea, but likely inconvertible.”, Rafael murmured and Catherine sighed, nodding. Sadly, he was right. It was not really a strain on their relationship, they were strong enough to withstand of not having time for each other, but New York had been a nice change. Here, they had been able to spend every moment again just like at the beginning of their relationship. She was going to miss this carefree time.

For a minute or two, they simply stared into each other’s eyes, caught by the play of colours in each other’s irises. Rafael rose his hand and gently stroked next to her eyes. Catherine’s eyes fell close and she hummed happily.

“What do you want to do today?”, he asked with a soft smile, stroking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Catherine blinked her eyes open again and smiled.

“I’d like to go to Central Park again and enjoy the snow. It has been a long time since I experienced it the last time and probability for snow in LA is almost zero.”

“Okay, then we’re going to do that.”, Rafael assured and leaned in to kiss her. “But let’s have breakfast first.”

~*~

The thick blanket of snow reached up to her ankle and the surface cracked under her boots. The colour palette green and brown of the Central Park had been replaced by white. The air was crystal clear and sharp. The park was crowded. A lot of citizens had holiday over the festive seasons and they had same idea like them. Central park was the only bigger space of nature in this coulisse of artificiality and although most human did not know it anymore, they needed nature around them, to be reconnected with their origin and therefore they were drawn back to this place.

Catherine squeezed Rafael’s gloved hand and he turned his head to her, smiling softly, brushing through the hair, which peaked out of her orange beanie. Catherine closed her eyes. The calfskin of his glove felt cool and was nowhere as good as his hand, but she still felt the emotions resting in his touch, although the gloves were thick. When Catherine snuggled her cheek into his palm, he smiled softly. Then he let go of her and took her hand, holding it tight so she would not get lost, although Catherine knew every corner of the Central Park.

“I love the snow.”, she began to tell, while walking over one of the main paths. The snow in the trees glistened brightly as if it was entwined with diamonds. “When the rare case occurred that it was snowing in Cardiff, I immediately got Canzor out of the stable and rode with him through the forest.”

“It doesn’t snow often in Cardiff?”, Rafael asked curiously and looked at her curiously. “I thought, Cardiff is a cold city.”

“It is. Cold and _wet_.”

“Did you have to emphasise wet so strangely?”, Rafael asked and shuddered, while Catherine grinned.

“I have no idea, what ran through _your_ mind.”, she said with a smirk and gleamed mischievously out of the corner of her eyes, what Rafael returned with a glare. Catherine grinned even wider, her eyes flashing brightly. “But all I meant was, that through its location and the Gulf Stream the winters in Cardiff are mild, but it rains _a lot_. It only snows regularly in the north of Wales.”

“What is it like?”, he asked.

“What?” Catherine blinked and looked at him. “Cardiff?”

“Hmmhmm…”, his deep voice rumbled and he placed a soft kiss her lips, his feeling cool on hers.

“You really want me to believe, you haven’t googled it?” She eyed him and watched how little snowflakes nestled themselves into his dark hair.

“I did. As much as you did research on Cuba.” He smiled and rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand. Catherine chuckled and nodded.

“We’re both thorough.”

“That we are. We both have to be in the field we decided to work in.” Rafael smiled and rose her hand to kiss its back, although she also wore gloves and Catherine felt the warmth spreading through her, although she did not actually feel the touch despite a little pressure, but her body knew too well, how his kisses felt like. “I still would like to hear it in my words.”

“That sounds like I need to testify. Why is Cardiff charged?” She smirked and he rolled his eyes, but laughed.

“Blatherskite.”, Rafael chuckled, but then reached out and pulled her beanie over her eyes.

“HEY!”, she squealed and laughed, trying to push the fabric out of her face.

“Serves you right for being cheeky.”, Rafael said unmoved, while he watched her little struggle.

“Haha.”, she replied, but still laughed and Rafael swayed around, walking back to her.

“Need help, mi amor?”, he asked softly and pushed the beanie up again, smiling as the wild mess of brown hair and blue eyes were revealed to him again. He smiled softly and stroked the hair out of her face. “There you are.”

“Who’s cheeky, now?” Catherine glared at him, but laughed, because, well, she had provoked it. She stepped closer to Rafael, wrapping her arms around him and he kissed her softly. His lips were still cold, but they warmed with every moment they kissed each other. “I gonna pay you back for this.”

“I love you.”, Rafael whispered in his warmest voice, love shining in his eyes and pressed another kiss to her forehead. For moment, Catherine was taken aback by the sudden love confession and especially by the intensity. Almost nine months they were together, yet she had not grown used to it and secretly Catherine hope she never would, because the warm, fuzzy feeling spreading through felt too well.

“That’s not going to save you every time.”, Catherine declared chuckling.

“But most of the time.”, Rafael replied and pulled her closer. Catherine wanted to give a witty reply, but the pureness and intensity of his emotions prevented it. Under this loving gaze, she could not stay mad for long, not even, when they were just playing. She rested a hand on his chest, gently rubbing her thumb over his coat.

“Yes…”, she whispered softly. Smiling softly, Rafael kissed onto her forehead and she closed her eyes. The moment Catherine opened her eyes, he realised he was in trouble, but he had no time react. Before he even realised, what was happening, Catherine had thrown a snowball against his head. Catherine laughed brightly and cheerfully, clapping her hands, while Rafael was totally perplexed, needing a few moments to understand, what had happened.

“Did you really throw a snowball at me?”, he asked disbelievingly and wiped the molten ice out of his face.

“I told you, you’re going to pay for it.” Catherine chuckled happily, her voice light from playfulness and he shook his head, trying to stay mad with her, but he could not help, but to laugh with her, her joy was just too infectious. Rafael turned her head to her only to notice, she had danced out of his reach, her eyes gleaming mischievously, her arms entangled on her back. The smirk enlightened her entire face and Rafael felt, how his heart melted. For a moment, he had found her action a little childish, but on the other hand, he was in snowy Central Park with his beloved girlfriend, who was radiating from joy of life. Why should he not use it and give in to the temptation?

“Oh, just you wait.” With a wide grin, he crafted his own, icy weapon and threw it after her. Catherine laughed, happy that he had decided to play along with her. She loved it, when Rafael became playful, too, when she heard his deep, happy laughter. It always made so much fun to be silly with him, to spat with him and when he was able to break free from his controlled, cool composure and just let go.

Catherine dodged his attack easily, tripping to the side, but her eyes lit up and she laughed happily, challengingly crouching down, gathering new snow in her hands, waiting for his new attack and Rafael’s competitive spirit was awoken. The next snowballs flew simultaneously and hit them both. Catherine made the cutest, little squeal and laughed. Then she turned around and ran away.

“I’m not going to chase after you, Cath.”, he called after her in annoyance, seeing how his love disappeared out of sight.

“Yes, you will.” Her voice flew over to him and the farer she distanced herself from him the more Rafael felt the urge to follow her and at one point, he gave in and ran after her, a snow ball in his hand, ready to fire, when given the chance. Of course, he had not chance against her. He hated running and Catherine was way fitter than him, but he did not care and she made sure, he had a chance to catch up. But then suddenly, she disappeared out of his sight. Rafael stopped, slightly out of breath and looked around, trying to make her out, but she was nowhere to be found.

Catherine hid behind a tree, giggling quietly to herself, while she watched how Rafael walked past her and then she jumped out.

“Attack!”, she shouted and hit him. “Ha, got ya.”

She laughed amused like a little child, clapping her hands in pure joy and Rafael used the distraction to pay her back and this time, his snow ball hit her right in the face.

Soon a snowball fight between them developed, both hiding between trees, trying to catch the other on the hop. They enjoyed it to be casual and free from the everyday life. Catherine loved every moment of it. She loved it to run through the snow with him, to hide behind the trees, to hope for the perfect chance for an attack.

To their surprise, their little game infected some other visitors of the Central Park to start their own snowball fights. It did not take long until the park was filled with shouts, commands and snow flew through the air.

When Catherine tried to flee over a little hill of the meadow from him, Rafael hit her neck and Catherine got out of balance, tumbled and fell into the snow.

“Cath? Are you alright?” Rafael did not intent to make her to stumble and therefore he hurried over to her. When he passed the uprising, he saw her lying on the ground, hurled together and for a moment a spark of worry ran through him. Did she hurt herself? Had she got stuck in a root and sprained her ankle? But before he even reached her, he was able to see that Catherine was silently laughing and to his relief, she rolled onto her back, making a snow angel, while laughing loudly. “Are you okay down there?”

Rafael stood above her, smirking down to her, while Catherine still laughed, until no sound was leaving her lips anymore and she threw snow into the air, which slowly rained back down to her.

“You really caught me on the hop.” Catherine grinned up at him, her cheeks covered in a wonderful pink blush from the cold and their game. Rafael found it adorable and he smiled softly down to her.

“Here, let me help you.” He reached out his hand and Catherine immediately grabbed it, but Rafael had the bad luck to stand on hard-packed snow, which was slowly turning into ice and therefore, he slipped and fell onto her. The impact of his weight knocked her flying, landing back into the snow with Rafael resting above her. For a moment, the couple looked perplexed into each other eyes, but then they burst into laughter, Rafael slumping back down onto her.

“That was nothing, darling.”, Catherine giggled and wrapped her arms around him.

“Well, what can I say? I’m crazy for you, Cath.”, he replied with a smirk, his eyes glistening.

“Idiot.” Catherine laughed again and shook her head, gently scooping off the snow from his shoulders. As a thank you, he kissed her, while her hand wandered into his hair, holding him close to her and enjoying the kiss. It was slow and lazy, but wonderful. Not every kiss had to be breath-taking and passionate. Sometimes, the simplest things were the best.

When they dissolved, Catherine cradled his cheek, gently brushing her hand over it. Rafael’s face expression became soft and he leaned in to kiss her again. Her lips tucked up into a smile and she stroked through his hair, while she got lost into the wonderful sensation. Some snow fell down on them from the leaves above, contrasting perfectly with Rafael’s dark hair. Catherine smiled and gently brushed the cold, little flakes out of his strands, while her other hand stroked over his neck. Rafael shivered, enjoying the soft tingling through his nerves, then he rested his head back onto her chest, closing his eyes, enjoying the warmth spreading through him, while she wrapped her arms back around him, holding him close, his coat feeling soft and warm under her fingers.

“That was a lot of fun, mi amor.”, he admitted and he gently stroked her hair out of her face.

“You sound surprised, _Counsellor_.”, she teased with the widest smirk on her lips, feeding him with his own words to Carisi. Rafael rolled his eyes annoyed, but huffed.

“I am a little to be honest.” He smiled, his eyes shining softly and he stroked through her hair.

“Me too. I actually didn’t expect you’d join.”

“You didn’t?”

“No.” Catherine shook her head, snow flowing through the air. “I expected you to roll your eyes, shake your head and resume walking.”

“Really?” Rafael frowned. That would have been almost cruel, when his woman wanted to play and he would have ignored it and his heart clenched a little, when Catherine nodded.

“You just don’t appear like it at first glance and sometimes, I forget, how playful you actually are and I love it. I love it so much.”, she whispered softly and kissed his lips. “I love seeing you like this. To see your eyes sparkle, to hear you laughing and to see you having fun, enjoying yourself.”

She rested her hand on his cheek, gently brushing her thumb over it. Rafael leaned into her touch and closed his eyes, feeling how warmth spread through him from where she touched him.

“You deserve that, Rafi, and I’m so happy, if I’m able to give you the chance every now and again.”

“More often than just now and then.”, Rafael replied and looked down to her. “And I have to thank you for it. Without you, I’d never even thought about it, but I enjoyed it greatly.”

“You should listen to your girl more often.”, Catherine whispered with a smirk and gently fiddled with his blue scarf.

“I should listen to my _woman_ more often.”, Rafael said softly and kissed her tenderly. “Thank you, Cath. Thank you for making me do things out of my comfort zone.”

“Well, that’s easy.” Catherine chuckled and played with his strands. “We are from completely different worlds. You have to thank yourself for allowing yourself to get into it.”

“I love you, Cath.” Rafael smiled softly and rested his forehead against hers.

“I love you, too.”, she whispered and kissed him again, because she simply wanted to. She loved kissing him. “More than you could possibly know.”

Rafael twisted one of her wet, cold strands around his fingers, then rolled off her, lying down next to her, taking her hand and lacing his fingers with hers. He rested his head on his arm, staring up to the white and brown roof of trees and the clear, blue winter sky. The sun shone brightly, directly into his eyes and Rafael enjoyed the beams, the whistling of the wind, the snow beneath him and her warmth beside him.

“You’re so beautiful, mi amor. More than you could ever know.”, he whispered and stroked the back of her hand. Catherine blushed and Rafael knew it without having to look at her.

“Rafi…”

“I noticed, how you are avoiding this nickname. Probably because you thought it only belongs to family.” Rafael turned his head to her and like he had suspected, her cheeks were burning bright red. Slowly, hesitantly, Catherine turned her head to him and Rafael stroked a lost strand of hair out of her face. “And you only used it, when you needed a nickname with great impact to me or when you were completely overwhelmed.”

Catherine covered her face with her gloves, trying to hide her embarrassment. Rafael turned to his side, gently pulling her hands away.

“Please, use it more often.”, he asked of her. In surprise, Catherine blinked her eyes open and also turned to her side, looking at him with wide eyes, her heart pounding loud and fast inside her chest. The air between them burned from the intensity beside them. “I love it, when you do.”

Catherine did not know, what to say. Her mind was completely blank, the only thing she perceived were her fast heart-beats and her blood rushing through her ears. Rafael had just asked of her to use a name, which only belonged to the closest persons to him. Not even Olivia used it. From a purely logical point of view, it was clear that she belonged to the innermost circle, but that he specifically asked for it meant so much. Catherine lifted her eyes and looked into a warm mix of emerald and amber.

Before she was even able to have a coherent thought again, Rafael kissed her in a way, which contained so much more than words could ever express.

“You really want to make me cry on the last day of the year.”, she laughed and sniffed, wiping a single tear out of her eyes.

“I never want to make you cry, mi amor.”, Rafael whispered and pulled her into his arms, feeling a slight tremble running through her body and he was not sure if it came from being moved or from the cold, which likely sept through her body from the wet back of her coat. Rafael gently rubbed over her back. “No matter if it’s sad or happy crying.”

He hugged her tighter, enclosing her, hoping to provide her a little bit of his warmth, when she was freezing, because of him being clumsy. Not the first adjective that would come to somebody’s mind, when thinking of Rafael Barba, but through Catherine he had discovered a lot of new sides about him, he had not even known himself.

Just when Rafael wanted to say more another couple jumped through their vision, laughing loudly and chasing each other through the snow, throwing balls at each other. Catherine and Rafael exchanged a glance and both chuckled, the collective, joyful mood in the Central Park infecting them again just like they had others a few minutes ago. Catherine slid closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes. Rafael wrapped his arm around her and rested his own head against hers.

“That is one of the funniest days in my life.”, Rafael whispered and pressed a kiss onto her beanie, feeling the wetness of the molten snow against his lips.

“Yeah, for me, too.” Catherine took his hand and laced her finger with his. “Thank you…”

She hesitated for a moment.

“Rafi.”

His face brightened up and he snuggled closer to her, his arms wrapping themselves tighter around her.

“It would have been such a great loss to the world if you had been lost. You bring even joy to the embittered New York citizens, making them forget their own sorrows and just enjoy the moment.”

“That’s not my merit.”

“It is.”, Rafael replied and closed his eyes. “You started the snowball fight and the spark of your joy jumped over to other’s. You have a great impact, Cath. To everyone around you.”

“I hope it’s positive.”

“Yes, Cath.”, he whispered, placing another kiss onto the top of her head. “My strong Cath. So very positive.”

Her eyes fell shut and she smiled relieved. She did not want to be a burden to anyone.

“I think we deserve a hot drink. What do you think, cariño mio?” Rafael stood up, knocking off the snow from his clothes and then he held out his hand to her. “Let’s do it again.”

Catherine blinked and smirked.

“You better don’t let me slip this time, my love.”

“I will always do everything to prevent you from falling.”, he assured her, meaning it figuratively and literally and Catherine smiled. Without hesitation, she took his hand and he pulled her safely onto her feet, keeping her stable on the slippery ground. Catherine smiled and leaned against his side. “I will always protect you, mi amor, with everything I have.”

Rafael looked at his watch and realised to his surprise, how late it already was. The sun slowly began to set.

“Come, Cath. It’s time.”

“Time for what?” She blinked up to him.

“I have a surprise for you and before that, we need to get into dry clothes.”

~*~

Rafael’s surprise was that he had brought tickets for one of the cruising boots, which were driving around the Hudson and East River to grant a spectacular view to the skyline and at the official fireworks. Most of those were party ships with loud music and a lot of people, but Rafael made sure to pick a quieter one, which offered nice dinner, wine and mostly seniors, who were here for a visit. It was 23 o’clock, the sky was clear, a few stars shining down to them. The water glistened almost black, while New York was as bright as always.

Catherine stood at the railing of the ship with a filled stomach, dressed in a red pullover, which went down to her knees, thick, black tights, a long, caramel coloured coat and black boots, watching the changing colours of light of the advertisements. It had something magical to see all those blinking lights. A feeling of blissfulness and contentment filled her in this quiet atmosphere. Rafael stood beside her, his arms resting on the railing.

“Silvester in New York is truly magical.”, he explained with a calm, but proudful voice and a dreamy expression in his eyes. The wind danced through his hair and a small smile lifted the corners of his mouth up. Catherine could feel the melancholy, which radiated around him and stepped closer to him, resting a hand on his lower arm and her head against his shoulder, gently squeezing his arm. Rafael’s smile turned warmer and he laid his other hand on hers, brushing over its back.

“Are you okay, Rafi?”, she asked softly and Rafael smiled, closing his eyes and enjoying, how sweet the nickname sounded.

“Yes, Cath.” He lifted her hand and kissed its back. “Just a little melancholic. Is a strange feeling not to be on alert tonight.”

“I can imagine New Year’s Day was hell for the SVU and you.”

“It sadly was.” Rafael took a deep sip from his full-bodied Burgundy, which tasted excellent. “Strange, what the twilight, the grey zone of the space between past and future does to humanity. As if the law is no longer valid.”

Catherine sighed sadly and squeezed his arm again. For the flicker of a moment, all the pain, dreariness and exhaustion were visible on his face and in his eyes, which had seen so much. All the monstrosity, the violence, the abomination of humankind. Catherine turned him towards her and hugged him, resting her head on his chest, offering him all of her light and love she could possible give him to prevent him to be swallowed by the darkness of the crossroad.

“I’m here, Rafi.”, she whispered. “I’m one of those, you’ve been able to save. You couldn’t save the world, sadly, not even New York or Manhattan, but you could save the victims’ worlds. You saved my world.”

Rafael always admired her way with words. He had a logical way with words, being able to outsmart everyone. He spoke to the brain, but Catherine had a way to reach the heart, the ability to know the words someone wanted to hear, not what they needed to hear.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know, where this is coming from.”, he whispered and quickly wiped over his face to get rid of this expression. “That isn’t the time for it.”

“Hey, Rafi.” She gripped his chin and turned his head to her, wrapping her arms around his waist. “These feelings are inside you and therefore, they’re valid. Don’t denigrate the. I know, it’s necessary at times, but it’s not healthy.”

“Oh, Cath…”, Rafael whispered and kissed her forehead. “Thank you.”

“You don’t have to be the strong one all the time. That is okay. When you’re not able to, I’m going to be and the other way around.” She took his hand and rested it on her heart. “We’re a team, Rafi. You and me.”

“Yes. You and me.” He lifted her hand and kissed it. “Soon, we’re going to start a new year together.”

“One of many more, I hope.” She smiled up at him.

“Fine with me.” Rafael wrapped his arm around her and kissed her temple. “I meant, what I said three days ago. I never want to let you go. You’re the best that ever happened to me.”

“Rafael…” Before she could say more, he kissed her, his lips resting softly on hers and his soul was transferred into hers. Once again, they became one. Catherine smiled, when they dissolved, brushing her nose against his.

“I love you, mi amor.”, he whispered with a meaningful voice. “More than you could ever possibly know.”

“These were my words.” Catherine chuckled and gently punched him, carefully making sure not to spill anything of his wine. Then she turned back to the skyline, watching the lights. “You’re right. It is a wonderland.”

“I know. The underground might be dirty, but New York knows how to sell itself.”

“That it does. It is the city of dreams.” She smiled. “I’m glad, I’m finally able to see it unburdened. I had been very nervous, when we took off and I didn’t know, how I would be, when we got here. I was afraid of all the challenges ahead of me, but with your help, I became strong enough to overcome this all and I truly enjoyed it. I had so much fun.”

“You always had the strength in you, mi amor, I just had to make you notice it.”

“Now, you’re selling yourself too short.” She nudged him and smiled, before gently grabbing him by his tie and pulling him towards her. “But next time, we’re going to see a musical, promise? I always wanted to see Broadway.”

“Okay, I promise.” He chuckled and kissed her. “But I’m going to choose the musical or I have to sit through _Cats_.”

He contorted his face in disapproval and snorted loudly.

“Oh, do you have an aversion against cats?”, she asked grinningly.

“Cats? No. Singing cats? Definitely.”

“Memory, all alone in the moonlight. I can dream of the old days. I was beautiful then.”, Catherine sang, an eyebrow quirked and a smug smirk on her lips.

“Oh, shut up.” Rafael laughed and covered her mouth.

“What then? Phantom of the Opera?”

“Now, you’re being ridiculous.”

“Why? You liked the book.”, Catherine said.

“True, but the raped by music part was stupid.”

“Okay, that’s true.” She shrugged and grinned mischievously at him: “What then? Wicked?”

“One more, I swear, I gonna toss you overboard.” Rafael laughed, stepping closer to her, pinning her to the railing.

“No, you won’t.”, Catherine fluted and smirked wider. “Hmmm…how about Frozen, then?”

“You have a very bad taste, mi amor.” Rafael chuckled, wrapping his arms tighter around her and pecked her lips.

“Maybe.” Tenderly and seductively, she ran her fingers down his front and grinned widely. “But what does that say about you, my love?”

“Okay, now, you have outsmarted me.” He laughed and tilted her head, running his finger over her bottom lip. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” She rested her hand on his chest. “And that’s why I let you chose the musical.”

“How gracious.” Rafael chuckled and shook his head. “Do you want something to drink?”

“Could you get me a champagne? The countdown is going to start soon.”

“Sure. Stay exactly where you are.”

“Didn’t you know? I turn myself off every time you aren’t there.” Rafael rolled his eyes, but grinned, then left for the bar to get the drinks, while Catherine watched the skyline.

“Okay, you can turn yourself on again.”, Rafael announced, tipping into her neck.

“Beep.”, Catherine replied and acted like she was a robot being turned on again. Rafael chuckled and wrapped his arm around her, handing her the champagne. “Thank you, love.”

“Just a few more minutes and 2025 is officially over.”

“I can’t wait for 2026.” Catherine smiled warmly. “Anticipation is something I haven’t felt for ages, but now, it’s spreading through my veins.”

“You’ve grown so much over this year, mi amor.” Rafael gently stroked a strand out of her face, tenderly cupping her cheek. “I know, I said it several times, but I’m proud of you.”

“Thank you, love.”, she whispered and leaned against him. “It always means the world to me, when you say that.”

“No need to.”

“Yes, I have to.”, Catherine whispered, cupping his cheek and kissing the corner of her mouth. “I said it already, but you’re the best boyfriend one could ever imagine. As terrible as my first experiences were, the better are those with you. I have no idea, how I would be without you. I’d likely still avoid to work through this and now, I’ve almost overcome it. So: thank you, Rafael Barba for never giving up, even when I tried to case you away or took two steps back again. You’re the kindest person, I’ve ever met.”

“My pleasure, Catherine Amell.” Rafael smiled and kissed her long and slow. “My light…”

The other guests on the ship gathered around them, starring at the skyline and then the countdown began:

“10, 9, 8…” Rafael pulled Catherine backwards against him, resting his head on her shoulder. “7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Happy New Year!”

The crowd cheered loudly, wishing Happy New Year to everybody, rockets shooting into the sky, exploding in a wild play of colours. It was a spectacular show, but our couple only had eyes for each other. Catherine turned around in Rafael’s arms and chinked her glass with his.

“Happy New Year, my love.”

“¡Feliz año nuevo!”, Rafael said softly, kissing her softly, while the rockets exploded above their head, welcoming the new year and chasing evil spirits away.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the playfulness and the snowball fight. I did :)
> 
> Have a wonderful day and weekend. Subaru =)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope you like Catherine :) I try to update as fast as possible, but working life...you know :D
> 
> Please let me know, what you think of it.


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